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Mhyrion

Mhyrions journey

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Had to succumb to my headache yesterday, I tried to push myself through it but in the end I just kept feeling more and more miserable. Slept for hours and hours. Didn't exercise. But I was extra happy today to notice it was gone and man, was I feeling happy after my work out.

I need more activities to fill my free time though. I have found a hobby in kick-boxing, I could perhaps try doing that twice a week. I also spend a lot of time in the kitchen this weekend, making soup (not a success but edible and healthy) and oatmeal cups. (This, without the protein powder) The latter where much fun to create, super tasty, and if you're easy on the honey, healthy. Perhaps cooking can be a hobby too, even though I despise it at times, at other times I find much pleasure in it. At least it's very good at supporting a healthy lifestyle. I replaced watching youtube with walks and reading a book, but I can't do that all day either. I also finally found to courage to re-pot my plants to the pots I decorated. Propagating succulents is something I can try out, but that's not really gonna consume much time either I suppose. My goals right now are all health related, I should find a social goal to focus on. I am planning to go to the gyms Christmas event next week. I would really regret not sticking around for that and perhaps if I don't feel too awkward I can introduce myself to some others. 'How to win friends and influence people' comes to mind, so I'll get that. Perhaps some specific goals can flow from a deeper understanding of the subject. I don't mind being a quiet person, I do mind being too shy/awkward to ask for help or hold/start basic conversations.

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Weight goal: going great.

Eating habits: eating slow sometimes. Most of the time I just plainly forget about it. Eating dinner without distractions helps, but it seems to cost concentration (?) to just sit and eat and not be entertained at the same time. Eating after dinner is at a low. Hunger feelings too. Deciding for treats from co-workers is no longer an automatic yes but an automatic no, which 'saves' me from a lot of super-duper sugary pies.

Work outs and gym: work outs went fine, nothing out of the ordinary. Found some stretches I really like for my back. I want to put some additional focus on strengthening my back and neck as I tend to slouch a lot. This not only looks stupid, it also hurts and sometimes worsens headaches. Gym training sucked a bit. I couldn't keep up with the cardio, I just couldn't get the air I needed. Made me feel weak. I felt nice after training though. I decided to go to the gym twice a week from now on, upgrading/replacing one of my workouts.

Social: …and then after gym training came a training even more tough. I stayed around for the Christmas event. Which was super awkward. For some reason though, N. decided to help me out though; introducing everyone's name, asking a bit about me and 'dragging' me into the conversations. Saved my evening, this man. I do remember some names too, which I think is really important and something I normally suck at. So some success achieved, need more practice. Tomorrow (maybe) 'How to win friends and influence people' will be arriving. And tonight more practice with a b'day party. I also sort of mentally prepared myself for Christmas at my parents by having at least one question ready for everyone present. I don't know if normal people do this kind of thing, but I feel like it will be helpful.

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10 hours ago, Cam Adair said:

It's been such a joy to watch your progress over the last year. So very proud of you! 

Thanks! It means a lot to me that I've become a source of joy to you. Super fabulous!

---

Yes, I've been here a year now! And it's been such a good and challenging year! These forums have proved to be an excellent place for reflection and support and I am thankful for everyone making it possible!

As per celebration I thought it was fitting to make a (incomplete) list of what I have done this year:

-got in touch with my emotions
-quit gaming*
-graduated!
-found a hobby in kickboxing
-found a friend and inspiration in @Hitaru
-finished the Beyond program
-learned how to set goals
-learned how to motivate myself
-learned how to plan for success
-started to eat healthier
-improved daily self-care by a ton
-improved looks
-lost weight
-gained stamina and drastically improved energy-levels
-improved self-awareness
-improved cooking skills
-acted more pro-active in friendships/relations
-found a job
-picked up reading books again
-picked up jig saw puzzling
-learned how to take care of plants
-reduced time spend watching youtube etc.
-starting to come out of my social shell and starting to feel genuine interest in people
-made a habit of walking a lot
-took good care of our household
-improved living environment by doing odd jobs around the house
-made and continued to update a financial overview of expenses

Now this next year, I want all this continued and improved! I am transitioning from surviving to living, and that's an incredible journey.

Obligatory Daft Punk ;)

---

*I never came back on my casual playing of games a couple of weeks ago. I stopped doing that. It was a good way to find out every game will end up the same. Either repetitive and boring or repetitive and addicting.

---

Also, I thought this was on point:

 

dt171221.gif

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9 hours ago, Hitaru said:

@Mhyrion <3

So proud of you sis! 

Yessss, love you too!

---

11 hours ago, dirkj3 said:

Merry Christmas!!!!!

Merry Christmas to you too!

---


I don't know how I thought I could live without understanding my body but I see the error of my ways now. I feel like I am reinventing myself. I decided to take a long walk yesterday, focusing on my posture and trying to get the strength from my legs and glutes instead of just walking. Realizing that I have done this simple thing ineffective/wrong all this time seems rather silly. And I really was doubting sharing it, it's a bit shameful. Like geez, who doesn't know how to walk properly? That's like one of the first skills you learn as a baby. It is refreshing though to just be honest with myself. I need to practice my posture, I need to practice engaging my muscles, I need to practice my brain being the captain of my muscles. *imitates boat horn*

I also don't see how I thought I don't need other humans around me. Well, not many of them anyway. What fascinating, amazing, wondrous, creative people have I already missed, disconnected with or pushed away? It's a shame, I don't know what else to call it. I feel like pounding my chest like a gorilla, I am so ready for change. Yesterday I skimmed through the first chapter of 'How to win friends etc' and I am for sure going to have a tough time with it. I criticize, condemn and complain a lot. I don't want other people to do that to me, why should I feel entitled to do that to them? I will need a bit more time pondering about all this, but then I should be ready to formulate a social goal.

---

Weight: 60.1 on the scale this morning. Almost Christmas present, haha. I am however rethinking my goals. It's really great I got this low number. In fact, I haven't seen a number this low since 2013 (the oldest weight data I have) and probably some time before that. However, my desire is moving on to creating some muscle and thus weight. There's still a lot of fluff that I rather see gone, but I think extra gym time starting in January will take care of that.

Eating habits: Just when you proudly write in your journal how you can successfully negate any treats offered at work, you completely fall flat on your face with restraining yourself on a b'day party of a friend. Saying no to loved ones is much harder, being constantly in low proximity of super sweet food is also a big factor. Also, having a alcoholic beverage really throws all care about what I eat out of the window, bc u know, I am having a reaaaaaally good time and I don't think straight even after one drink. (I was very talkative and social though..) I think more motivation (THINK: MUFFIN TOP) before attending such social gathering will go a long way. Also just not drinking if there's huge amounts of food around. I have an excellent practice opportunity tomorrow.
Eating slow I have made little improvement on, but I also didn't commit myself to taking away all distractions while eating. So what do you know; no commitment, no change. How very unsurprising! Point is, I don't feel hungry after dinner anymore since switching to whole grains and reducing processed foods, so I am not sure I need to continue trying this. I do want to continue to be more aware of the act of eating and how it makes me feel, so I am still going to go ahead and will remove distractions while eating this week anyway.

Muscles: I am currently educating myself how and how much I should start eating for my body to have the energy to create muscle. God, there's so much information out there, it's a bit much at times. I do know I absolutely hate tracking everything I eat, the chances of me going into perfection mode are rather damn high. But I am doing it this week because A) I have a lot of time on my hands and a food scale ready B) I want to know how much calorie intake I am at and where those calories are coming from. The current intake I suspect is really rather low, otherwise I would never be able to loose weight at this rate. Anyhow, from B I can device a plan on how to improve my diet to align with my not yet written down and not yet specific goals.

Gym and workouts: gym is closed the coming week, will replace with swimming with hubby and adding some shadow boxing to my other workouts. Workouts went super past weekend, muscles are a bit complainy right now though.  

Points for improvement: Haven't made any note on this here, but I think it's important enough and I am being honest as fuck today anyway. I tend to lose my shit when I lose my shit. I know, I am being extra special cheesy today. The past weeks I lost my keys and later my ID, and that just throws me in a panicky rage when trying to locate them. It's immature, unhelpful and shows how much self control I have yet to grow.

---

Geez, really don't know why I have the desire to type damn novel length pieces in here, but if you read this entire wall of text, I am proud of you and you deserve a pat on the back.

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Must say, @Mhyrion is even cuter in person while I'm even uglier (?) 

Also I'm really happy that she took the initiative to suggest posting the pic, if it depended on me I would have hesitated a lot more (kind of self-conscious about my appearance and that). Talk about improvement, this girl is pure awesome! 

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8 hours ago, Hitaru said:

Must say, @Mhyrion is even cuter in person while I'm even uglier (?) 

Also I'm really happy that she took the initiative to suggest posting the pic, if it depended on me I would have hesitated a lot more (kind of self-conscious about my appearance and that). Talk about improvement, this girl is pure awesome! 

That beard is bad ass. I want one.

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It think it's an attractive beard as well! Meeting with Hitaru really is the highlight of this glum, rainy end of the year. If I were 5 to 10 years younger I would've now typed Hitaru in caps with tons of hearts, but I am holding back the strong urge It also sparked a feeling of being extremely Dutch, in the sense that this isn't exactly a good thing. God, I am icy as fuck. I welcome this increased self-awareness though.

---

Decided to skim through 'How to win friend etc' to see what stands out to me the most. I am wondering how I survived up till this point, basically stumbling through the social aspect of life blindfolded. I'll use the same tactic that has proven it's worth with eating healthier and exercise: slowly ease into change and move forward with the momentum that builds up from that. The thing that speaks to me most right now is smiling more. That seems like a minor, doable change and a nice way to share my happiness with others. I've also read a great many times that smiling, laughing and adapting a positive posture can make one more happy and positive. Just as pretending to be confident can lead to being more confident. The human brain is fascinating. Anyhow, gotta think on how to to make smiling into a solid goal. Since I am not going to be able to count the smiles or the frankness of the smiles or anything silly like that, I assume a lot of reflecting, perhaps on a day by day basis, will be needed.

This week has been real busy! I impressed myself with how many activities I had energy for. Went swimming with hubby past Thursday; I love it when he takes initiative like that. Super attractive. It was an amazing pool with slides and streams and things to climb (that weren't really meant to, but hell). Felt like trying/showing off my new found muscle strength, got rewarded with a lot of muscle ache, haha. Friday was a busy day too, and I've encountered the limits of my energy levels. My body and mind feel real sluggish today, so I shall permit myself some rest. I've still got a jig saw puzzle of a snowy volcano, which is perfect for now.

---

Weight: Dipped under 60kg, hurray! Wondering about follow up goals. Will keep doing what I am doing food and exercise wise, so I'll stay around the 60kg, perhaps even lose some more fat. I need to prioritize buying new clothes by now, my pants are falling down my hips. I decided to keep one pair as a reminder how much progress I've made, if I ever doubt it.

Eating: Loads of cheats this week. I don't feel stressed about it (huge improvement), I rather feel motivated to get back on it. Yesterday and today were back on track.

Food tracking: Wrote down portions to the gram wherever possible this week. So much effort… Since this week was a very atypical week for me, I am not sure if the data is really helpful. I feel more aware of how much nutritional value certain foods have and how dense they are. Food smarts, woo. Will track next week too, which should be a typical week.

Gym and exercise: Atypical is kinda the word of the week. The gym was closed, but I absolutely had a lot of exercise in the pool and doing chores around the home to make up for that. Meanwhile I am starting to look forward to the coming weeks when I'll try the women's kickboxing and the technique lessons. While I am at it I want to stay after the women's lesson to look at the MMA hour and I might even try Crossfit and the fitness. I haven't tried a great many things, who knows what I might end up liking?

Edited by Mhyrion
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15 hours ago, Cam Adair said:

We need to get you some hair too. HAHA. Miss you dude! 

Maybe I could take @Hitaru's beard and stick it on my head? :D

Visitors leave next week so looking forward to having some personal time back!

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6 hours ago, Mhyrion said:

Decided to skim through 'How to win friend etc' to see what stands out to me the most. I am wondering how I survived up till this point, basically stumbling through the social aspect of life blindfolded. I'll use the same tactic that has proven it's worth with eating healthier and exercise: slowly ease into change and move forward with the momentum that builds up from that. The thing that speaks to me most right now is smiling more. That seems like a minor, doable change and a nice way to share my happiness with others. I've also read a great many times that smiling, laughing and adapting a positive posture can make one more happy and positive. Just as pretending to be confident can lead to being more confident. The human brain is fascinating. Anyhow, gotta think on how to to make smiling into a solid goal. Since I am not going to be able to count the smiles or the frankness of the smiles or anything silly like that, I assume a lot of reflecting, perhaps on a day by day basis, will be needed.

 

You could plan to smile at a number of strangers every time you go out. Maybe even nod or greet them if they look into your face. In Germany this has brought me 70% strange looks and 30% happy greetings. But well southern Germany especially swabian people aren't known for their outgoing nature :D. It helped me to get my face away from my feet and watch people around me closer which I count as a good thing. Seems natural to do this by now. I can really recommend this practice. Maybe you'll notice something nice at acquaintances if you look at them more open and find an original and nice compliment. 

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Totally off-topic: Even though I am away way too often to follow all the journals, I remember the day when you joined and I witnessed the progress you made. All in all, I can only say that what you accomplished is astounding. You are one of the few examples of how quitting video games can improve ones life. I can only hope that, even after you managed to achieve most of your short term goals, you will stay and help others raise faith when they are in dire need. Your very own progress is unrivaled and awesome to a level that I cannot find words to describe it. You are one of the few great examples this forum has to offer.

Mhyrion, keep on doing what you do and you can achieve basically everything. I love to read about your story, even if it is not on a regular basis. Just keep on goin', gurl! ;)

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8 hours ago, Regular Robert said:

Totally off-topic: Even though I am away way too often to follow all the journals, I remember the day when you joined and I witnessed the progress you made. All in all, I can only say that what you accomplished is astounding. You are one of the few examples of how quitting video games can improve ones life. I can only hope that, even after you managed to achieve most of your short term goals, you will stay and help others raise faith when they are in dire need. Your very own progress is unrivaled and awesome to a level that I cannot find words to describe it. You are one of the few great examples this forum has to offer.

Mhyrion, keep on doing what you do and you can achieve basically everything. I love to read about your story, even if it is not on a regular basis. Just keep on goin', gurl! ;)

Thank you Robert, you brightened up my day with this comment! I will continue slayin' it :D

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On 12/30/2017 at 9:19 PM, WorkInProgress said:

You could plan to smile at a number of strangers every time you go out. Maybe even nod or greet them if they look into your face. In Germany this has brought me 70% strange looks and 30% happy greetings. But well southern Germany especially swabian people aren't known for their outgoing nature :D. It helped me to get my face away from my feet and watch people around me closer which I count as a good thing. Seems natural to do this by now. I can really recommend this practice. Maybe you'll notice something nice at acquaintances if you look at them more open and find an original and nice compliment. 

Thanks for your suggestion! Dutch people aren't exactly known for their outgoing nature either ;)

---

Wednesday I went kickboxing with the ladies and it was super awesome! Extremely awesome. I enjoyed it even more then I anticipated. It was partially due to the hand wraps which I bought. I felt an infinite amount more dangerous then I really was. Anyhow, I also grossly underestimated how exhausting it would be. Or I overestimated myself. Or both.  I ended up way more tired and battered then I thought I would be and I didn't have a plan for that. So, on Thursday I failed through a very sluggish day at work and then realized in the evening going to the gym again had great chances of not ending well. I decided not to go and long-story-full-of-excuses short: we ate Chinese take-out while watching series and what not. Not the end of the world, but certainly not in line with my commitments and goals in life either.

---

Workouts: are going fine. Was able to jump robe 7 out of 10 minutes, a new record. Feel like I am unlearning(?) how to do a push-up again. Need to do it more often.

Gym: I don't think I have the amount of energy needed to go kickboxing twice a week, at least not until my body gets used to the bruising and I understand the basics of defence. I feel disappointed, I thought I could do this. But I've forgotten the key strategy here: ease into it. I'll first need to get used to this more exhausting lesson before going two lessons a week. And perhaps those two lessons shouldn't be both kickboxing to start with. To not dwell on my feelings of failure and disappointment: I feel hugely motivated when I realize I am working towards becoming a women with combat prowess. Ain't that super badass? I think it is, and it puts me on fire imagining myself like that.

New gym goals:
-try the Tuesday lesson before Feb 1st.
-try the Monday lesson before Feb 1st.
-try out the fitness before Feb 1st.
-continue going to the gym once a week

Eating: failed with Chinese take-out, and that puts a enormous dent in a healthy week. Still tracking everything, will evaluate at the end of this week.

Social: still didn't make a concrete goal. Will do this weekend. Efforts this week: I have tried my patience and smiles on hubby, and our conversations seem more friendly and lengthy. I greeted my co-workers when coming in and leaving, which I normally neglect a lot. I've introduced myself to the newyearresolutioners at the gym and asked the gym-owner to learn me how to properly wrap my hands.

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2017 was the year I got my shit together. I'll call it reboot.

I want to be fierce in 2018. I want to find a higher level of intensity and commitment. I want to look back at the end of the year and say 'Gurl, you slayin' it!'. I don't want to slack off, half-ass, make excuses or procrastinate like a lil' bitch. I want to kick ass during my workouts. I want to find a new passion for the people in my life, especially hubby. I want to be vigorous even in the mundane every day tasks.

This may be totally unrealistic. I honestly do not care right now because I am on fire.

 

---

Man, I was a fire ball today. Yeeee. Try and stop me, hah! Honestly, I should write more pep talks for myself, this works fucking wonders. Motherfucking hell. Being this amount of pumped is edging on scary, omg.

Anyway, goals, wooo. So structured! No more floating around, we have focus now. It looks a bit much listed like this, but I am ready. The things that are easy to count, I'll note. The other things I'll reflect about here. Don't want to turn into a calculator.

---

Social goals:
-say hello and good-bye to co-workers every work day until it's habitual
-say hello and good-bye to gym members every gym visit until it's habitual
-smile/say hi to strangers while going for walks until it's habitual
-show genuine interest when hubby tells something until it's habitual
-learn and note the names of gym members (10)
-give an honest compliment to a stranger or acquaintance once a week (0/6)
    -next: find a new challenge :)

Gym goals:
-try the Tuesday lesson before Feb 1st (0/1)
-try the Monday lesson before Feb 1st (0/1)
-try out the fitness before Feb 1st (0/1)
-continue going to the gym once a week (1/6)
    -next: ready for twice a week?
-learn how to wrap hands myself before Feb 1st

Workout goals:
-jump rope for 10 minutes straight (8/10)
    -next: add minutes up to 20
-do 5 push-ups every day until it's no longer difficult to find the right form (1/1)
    -next: do 5 side-planks both sides every day until it's no longer difficult to find the right form
-continue 3 workouts at home every week (1/1)

Food goals:
-eat clean
-don't overeat
-plan for success: dinner plan and food prep in weekends

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The food goals aren't really goals but more of a lifestyle choice. Working out and going to the gym every week are too, I don't want to go back to couch potato style at any point of my life. Never again. R.I.P. Fat Potato Mhyrion.

Anyhow, one more thing to think about this weekend: I need a system to help me remember to not be a social brick be a friendly and engaged person in day-to-day social interaction. Something to fit into my morning routine will do.

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Good week! Went shopping with my sister, had very much fun and god, finally pants that fit! I feel super extra special sexy just having pants that hug my body and not act like fucking tents. Confidence soaring! I also managed to pep talk myself out of some perfectionist moods this week, didn't know I possessed that super power.

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Social goals: Felt good in shaking of awkwardness this week, still had some social brick moments. The key I feel is being aware of how I behave and how I want to behave. If I auto pilot I'll forget to be friendly and greet and perform other niceties. Ended up overthinking at some points, which always ends up in me falling completely silent. (You know, these moments you know you should say something like a simple thank you, hi, or bye, and you end up just overthinking what exact words to use, what tone of voice and what exact moment and you just feel the right moment come and go and passing you by like a motherfucker.)

Gym: Went to the Tuesday lesson, didn't end up nearly as battered as the last time. Partially because there was less kicking involved, partially because my skill is so low there was really no use/option for me or my sparring partners to go hard and fast. It ended up with every sparring partner trying to teach me whatever caught their attention. Anyhow, I figured that if I want to go to the gym twice a week I need to take into account a rest day in between. I also need not forget to eat more when battered, my body needs extra energy when sore. Seems pretty basic, but I also seem to forget to take it into account (which ends with zombie days, and those suck).

Workouts: Worked through suuuuuper sore muscles during my workout. Pretty proud. Normally I would've had a rest day after the gym, but planning didn't allow it this week. Anyhow, good to know it doesn't kill you to work out with sore muscles.

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On 1/12/2018 at 7:43 PM, Shine Magical said:

I am going to try going to a personal trainer next week because I really hate working out aside from yoga. O.o

I hope he/she can help you find something that enthuses you! For me that was really key.

----

Life is stormy.

 

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Storm. I have been pushing this away for far too long. Now I've finally stepped up it's been a flood of emotions, confusion, fear and insecurities. I indulged in the comfort of nothingness, books, food, hot showers and sleep to be at least mildly comfortable and distracted. I can't blame me.

Today is back to business whether I like it or not, even with a storm razing in the back. It hasn't been really smooth sailing so far, but keeping busy with work and chores is a distraction on it's own.

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12 hours ago, Mhyrion said:

Storm. I have been pushing this away for far too long. Now I've finally stepped up it's been a flood of emotions, confusion, fear and insecurities. I indulged in the comfort of nothingness, books, food, hot showers and sleep to be at least mildly comfortable and distracted. I can't blame me.

Today is back to business whether I like it or not, even with a storm razing in the back. It hasn't been really smooth sailing so far, but keeping busy with work and chores is a distraction on it's own.

Hey I hope you'll be able to whether the storm. What ever it is. 

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Thanks you guys.

---

My insides are revolting with emotions and my body is tired and funny with stress. I really wanted to sleep yesterday, but went kickboxing instead.

I am just send out an e-mail to a recruiter my co-worker recommended and called for me. Super nervous. It's hard to write a cheery 'hire me' e-mail when you're not cheery and confident. Hope I managed well. I am super happy with how my cv is looking right now though, don't know what I was thinking the last time around, haha.

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