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Regular Robert

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Regular Robert last won the day on January 5

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  1. May be, you could try to get rid of the guilt. It sounds like the feeling of guilt might be one reason why you turn to games again. Like, you game for a day, well happens. But than you feel guilty and than, you numb that feeling of guilt with more gaming. It is just an idea, but may be, you could try to forgive yourself. If necessary, write a letter to yourself, explaining why you were playing again. Than, you try to forgive yourself. You could try it. If it works, you could apply it to other parts of your life too. Make a mistake, learn from it, shake it off and continue what you were doing before the mistake happened. Quitting games, letting go of an addiction is not a thing that you work on and than its done. Every day, you abstain. You say "no, thank you". And many people relapse. I relapsed multiple times and like you, every relapse was necessary and kinda helpful, because after every time, I learned a little something about myself. If you are impatient, try to train your patience. ;) I am sure there are tiny exercises to improve your patience. Aside from that - again - you do not have to feel guilty. You are not quitting video games because you must, but because you want to. You are not a failure, only because you relapsed. After all, you did play for a couple of days. Back in days, you played every day, right? So there is quite some improvement. And you will improve more and more over time. It is a tough quest, but you are doing it, girl! :)
  2. Important. What other people see in you is not really in the radius of your local control, but... you will not be a hoax unless you see yourself as a hoax. So the next question should be, why does a part of you see you as a hoax? Or, why do you have to come across as the perfect guy to feel ... valid? Meditate about these questions. I mean it, sit in a quite room, in front of a blank wall and simply ask yourself this question. Than, wait. If you feel the need to distract yourself, if you feel that your mind wanders off, ask again. The answer might not come to you as one phrase, but your subconscious will deliver an answer over time. That is why I keep harassing you to use your damn journal. ;) I mean it, write your thoughts out. Things will clear up and you will understand why you do what you do. You simply need to write it out or talk about it, but since you said, that this is the place where you feel secure discussing the addiction issues, wriiiiiite. (No pressure though :D) Train it. Take any situation possible. Especially those that cause the urge to procrastinate. If the workload seems to be huge in your head, put it on a piece of paper. A folded, simple blank sheet and a pen is all you need. Split the workload into simple goals. "Need to iron my pants" and "need to do the dishes". Take 5 or 10 minutes to prepare your list. Than rewrite it and put it into order. That might sound dumb, but it is useful in different kinds of ways: The workload in your head will grow. Take your last trip to the US for example. You thought about having to iron your suite. Than you thought of something else, than again, something else, something else aaaand than about having to iron your suite again. You keep reminding yourself of what you have not done yet and it stacks every time. The more often you think about it, the more important it will become. And at some point, a simple thing like ironing your suite will be a fucking huge thing to do. With such an amount of importance, that it will scare you. If you put it on paper however, you can totally forget about it, as long as you remember that there is stuff on your piece of paper. Thus, it will stay the easy task it is. Also, after putting up this list, try to fulfill the tasks as soon as possible. No pressure, but asap. When you have the time to do it and nothing better to do, do it. No thinking about how you feel about it. You got the time, you do it. The more you act like this, the more confident you will become in getting stuff done. The more you procrastinate, the lesser the chance you actually do it. And of course: Keep doing it this way to create a habit. Start with easy stuff. After eating, do your dishes. If you got the time, do it. I really like this last entry of yours. It shows that the journal can do its magic and it shows, that you grow. And you do grow. I like it. One last thing ... it might be a bit ... direct but ... is there some unresolved issue with your dad?
  3. Hey

    Hi Phil. Nice to have you here and awesome that you already got hobbies and goals. You already made quite some important steps. Be sure to create your own personal journal in the forum and if you need any help, the community is very friendly. Also, you don't need to state your complete name. ;)
  4. Corentin, I honestly think you are slowly on your way to rock bottom. I don't mean that in any offensive way, but let us be honest for a moment here: If you are afraid that the ESPOMUN thinks you are unreliable, ... do you think she would be wrong? You overslept due to binging. You are in fact unreliable. Like I said multiple times before, I am not trying to diminish you or what you do, in fact, I believe you are a great guy with tons of potential, but in order to be able to work on your problems, you have to face them. To me, it looks like you are about to break down in the near future. Every addict has this point in his life. When nothing works anymore. You are trying to make it work. But everybody can see that you are not capable of making it work anymore. Just lay back and rethink for a moment. You prepared your tour to the US in the last possible moment, because you procrastinated. When you were back, you instantly procrastinated again. May be, because of the old high you had at the conference or may be, because you felt overloaded and overburdened. This caused you to - again - prepare your stuff for your class in the last possible moment, which resulted in you oversleeping and missing the class entirely. Your journal entries happen extremely sporadic. I am not saying that you are lazy, not at all. I believe, the opposite is the case: You are trying to somehow keeping it all together, which costs so much mental and physical energy, that your mind begs you to procrastinate. In my opinion, you need a break. A serious break. Let somebody else help you with your workload. Step back a little, lay back a little. You have an addiction problem and in order to adress it, you need energy, time and mental capacities. In other words: You need help. I know you think that you are extremely capable and it is true, you are. But not right now. Right now, you are a freaking mess. And in order to unfuck your own life, you gotta accept that right now, you are completely fucked up. Like @info-gatherer said, you treat procrastination as your main source of trouble. But it isn't. It is a mere symptom. It is the pain, but the actual splinter that causes the pain is deep down under your skin. You gotta find out WHY you procrastinate and WHY you binge game. But in order to do so, you need rest, peace, ease, silence, quietness. A place and a time to concentrate on what is going on inside. Than you will find answers. Depression, anxiety, trauma, there is so much that can make a human stray from his or her path. I am real sure that you will make it and find your way, but it will take time, it will hurt and it will be a lot of effort. And again: This is only my opinion. All can be wrong that I say and write, but may be, some of these words can help you in any way. May be, there is some kind of benefit you can get from them. Wish you the best, mate.
  5. You know, you gotta know for yourself what works for you. But I would bet that it is just your mind trying to find a way to rationalize gaming again. Like the others said: If you were able to stop gaming, you would not try to stop gaming. If you have issues with gaming, there is no super soft way out. This process is painful. It will hurt, drive you mad at times. But afterwards, you will feel that you grew stronger. I would suggest that you use your journal and write down what you think and feel. That will help you big time.
  6. Hey Brian, how are you on your journey? I just wanted to remind you that, no matter what happened in your life after you decided to stop playing video games, you can always open up this forum and share your thoughts, feelings or simply talk about recent experiences. If you are having trouble following through, consider creating a journal in this forum. It sure is a great help. And don't abandon hope if you hit (major) setbacks. Stuff like that happens and it does not matter that it happens, but how you are going to make it work. Best wishes, I hope you are well and focused.
  7. Welcome Dave! A funny thing up front: I can totally relate to the Sims situation. Every couple of months, me and my wife play a couple of hours just to "rebuild our house" and see how we could change the furniture and stuff. It is not really gaming to us, but more like an interactive interior design tool. And I never got addicted to it somehow. Anyway, you got some cool art-project going on and I guess this will be a great head start for you, since many people who stop playing games have to find a fulfilling hobby first. It seems, you got a great one already. Best of luck to you for your future plans. Be sure to ask if you need any support.
  8. Welcome Gavin. I love the part about vowing on this field, completely wasted and walking in darkness. I often believe that we already know and already knew for a long time what is good for us and what is not. But the daily distractions tend to disconnect us from ourselves and in states like being drunk, the voice inside has a lot more volume and other stuff fades into the background. I am glad you are here to keep on going this path. (Not hanging around fields at night with bottles of booze in your mind, but adding real value to your life) There are quite some people in here that were mainly on LoL, so do not feel forsaken. A good start would be to create some barriers between you and the distractions that are gameplay vids and such. Some people suggest to set your smartphone to colorblind/greyscale mode. On your PC, you can simply block YouTube for a while. Most modems/routers should have a feature to create a blacklist. Anyway, good luck on your journey!
  9. What kind of char do you play? I think you would make an awesome Shaman, obviously ( :) )! Havin' all the herbs to keep the group clean and and healthy.
  10. I hope my favorite warrioress is still pumped to the brim with battle prowess! Go, guuurl! Show em!
  11. Awesome mindset. Can't wait to see your progress, mate! :)
  12. You are not forced to help anybody here. The forum exists so that people have a place to create a journal and to get support from fellow quitters when they need support. And "support" can have many forms and does not necessarily have to be a problem. Sometimes it is enough to just have somebody remind yourself of the good progress you are making. I can totally agree that some people do not want help, nor want to make progress. Some people like to simply vent frustration and do not want to change. Some people like to brag about their sufferings. But a person that does visit this forum on a daily basis to post into his or her journal is already making progress. And if you do not want to read other's journals, that is totally fine. You are here because YOU decided to be here. Also, I read parts of your journal and I am happy for you that you are obviously making progress, but I will be bold here now, because sometimes I feel boldness is necessary: It is great to be interested in stuff. Everybody should have interests and most people do have interests. But I feel that for you it is extremely necessary to shut down your input for a moment and listen to your own deepest thoughts. In your journal, nothing is really about you. Everything is merely a reaction of you to something you saw online somehow. This thread is called "why I...", yet it is nothing but a quote of Peterson. There is nothing that truly comes from you. You obviously feel the need to express something, so do it. But do it in your own words. Everybody can react to stuff somebody else wrote. And that is what is happening a lot in your journal and I believe that this is one of your issues. I don't know you, but to me you seem to be restless. You want to stop gaming, awesome, but don't put tons of crappy media in its place. Shut down the PC for a while, shut down all the media for a while and focus on what you can actually change, yourself. Find the reason why you are so restless. For example: Meditation did not help you, you said in another post. I could not truly sleep for years. The reason was simple, I could not let go because I hoarded a lot of negative old feelings inside of me that would not let me sleep at night. If meditation does not help you, you could also try to find out why it does not help. You will have a high now since you are applying a lot of the stuff Peterson wrote and since you can distract yourself with all the negativity that is happening in the world, but at some point, you will fall down again and than, you will most likely jump onto the next thing that catches your attention. I am not saying you are not making progress. But I truly believe that self-focus would help you a great deal. Sit down for a moment it complete silence, with no electric distraction running and look into your own soul. There was a reason why you were gaming to the point that you wanted to quit and I believe there is a reason why you are overloading yourself with other distractions now. Also, Peterson put 15 "maybes" into this text alone and not every YouTube personality should be an idol on how to live life. You are the master of your own life. If he thinks you are a loser, that does not make you a loser. You determine success by yourself, like he determines failure by himself. And even though he brags about how helping others is just for your own vanity, he wrote a self-help book for others to buy.
  13. I mean, why not? I guess with good training, you have a lot of choices, like becoming an animator, lead designer, graphic designer for websites or magazines or such. Also, there are many different kinds of games. Like educational games. Not every game has to be a disguised gamble that profits from addicts. May be, we need somebody who turns games into what they once were supposed to be. I'd say, try it if it is what you really want to do. In the end, what matters is that you like what you are doing with your life.
  14. I hope embracing your awesomeness works out well for you! Would love to hear how the job applications went.
  15. It took me a while, but I finally decided to continue working on my journal. In the past, I have not seen many reasons to continue since I was busy working on the stuff I picked up during the detox. But I feel, a post-detox journal might be interesting. I saw some people counting the days they are sober, but since I had quite some major and minor relapses, I never continued counting. Well, enough small talk. I will basically talk about things and topics that I experienced during my detox and after my detox, as well as hard times, challenges, moments of truths and wisdom to be learned. It will help me to reflect and may be, just may be, it will help others who are on their journey. Bobbie's 90+ day detox ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WHEN ENTHUSIASM IS OUT OF CONTROL ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- During my detox I found a couple important things and skills that have been missing for quite a while. One of these things was ENTHUSIASM. I have always been a kid that wanted to try out new stuff, wanted to learn and to witness in order to understand. I always wanted to improve, to accumulate new wisdom and skills. In short, I was very enthusiastic. As an adult, that had not changed too much. But during and after my detox, my enthusiasm turned into a problem for me. You see, during the years that I played video games on a daily basis, I was numb. I guess, we all are numb when sitting in front of a screen, half-drooling, half-stuffing our faces with junk food. But that desire has always been inside of me. Whenever I watched a YouTube video about something remotely interesting, I wanted to learn about that. Photography, making music, building cars, chemistry, biology, dog training, painting, flying helicopters, gardening, writing, film making, smithing, airbrushing stuff, modding games, coding software, creating my own game, invent a new thing nobody has but everybody wants, train, train more, train to become a beast, ride a train, build my own model trains with a 3D printer, take part in an online course, travel, travel even more, travel and get lost for a couple of years only to come back full frontal Indiana Jones style, rob a bank, sew my own clothes ... well, THE LIST IS INFINITE, quite obviously. And during my detox, I tried a lot of things. I trained, worked out, went running. I picked up cooking. I began to create some kind of podcast, created a website for myself. I picked up writing again. I bought a new camera to take pictures and learn about photography. I took long walks with the dog and so on and so forth. But I when the slightest feeling of satisfaction hit me, I tended to feed myself new input, such as YouTube videos, Wikipedia articles, how tos and tutorials and input from other sources. Due to years of fake progress, major fake progress, I trained myself to always level up. To always keep on improving. ALWAYS GET A NEW KICK. Never to stand still, never to rest. Just like a junky, the kick wears off. Especially in browser games, RPGs and of course MMOS, you level. You gotta level to take part in the good content, you level to challenge other players, you level because ... well, you level for the sake of leveling, since aside from that, there is often nothing to experience. You gain experience, the end. When I went through my detox, I accumulated a huge stack of stuff I wanted to do, which resulted not in satisfaction, but in sheer OVERLOAD. Don't get me wrong, it all felt good. Improving, learning new stuff, it all felt so awesome. But ultimately, I learned nothing really and was unable to improve. Because, if you learn to do literally everything a slight bit, you will come across like a jack-of-all-trades. But that is only superficial, since underneath that surfacing knowledge is nothing. Instant rock bottom. Especially in online games, I always sensed this urge to keep up. You needed to be able to respond to every situation. You needed to master the game to be a master. Not only in games, but also in real life, most commonly in the media, I feel there is a huge pressure on young people. Or let's say, on (post-)millenials. Facebook shows the great parts of people's lives and they all look so damn happy. Every YouTuber seems to be a huge success. "SUCCESS" is probably the word nowadays. Everybody has to be successful. Everybody has to be something. Something that you can show. It often feels to me like the old days, when I was a tiny lad, listening to my parents who talked to other adults on the marketplace about what Mr. and Mrs. this' or that's son does now and whatnot. People are often talking and always comparing. Nowadays, I think this behavior has been accelerated by faster and more public ways of talking and gossiping. Anyhow, with such a pressure, no real sense for gratification and the kicks that resulted from enthusiasm, overload was unavoidable. During and after my detox, I learned a couple of important things. When it comes to enthusiasm, the most important knowledge I gained was: I HAVE TO DECIDE. I have to decide what I want to do with my potential time and work in mind. What can I do? What will help me progress in my and only my life? What is useful to me? I always have to remind myself that even though I feel totally pumped about this or that now, it might only be a passing feeling. Every time this feeling comes up, I have to evaluate whether I truly think this new thing is beneficial to me. Otherwise, I end up putting up lists, buying new stuff and all of it will only collect dust and feel like a burden. Looking around my living environment helps to evaluate whether something is useful to me or not. I have what I need and thus, I can literally see what kind of stuff I need in my life. Still, I learned that, the less I have and accumulate, THE MORE NIMBLE I MOVE. This goes for physical, but also for mental and emotional stuff. I grew a lot calmer, more serene in the past couple of months. The reason is that I do not follow every tiny kick anymore. Enthusiasm is great, it generates energy, but the main question I shall ask is: Will I have enough energy TO CARRY ON after the enthusiasm is gone? For a couple of things in my life, the answer is clearly ... "Yeah!". For those things, I now have more energy, more concentration and more time to actually make progress. I mean, the detox itself if proof for everybody who goes through it. After dropping gaming, the amount of time, mood and energy I had for other things simply exploded. I think, a great part of growing up, becoming an adult is to decide what one wants to do with his or her life. Once the decision is out in the open, it all boils down to a good level of self-management. Another nice side effect is: I am able to admit that I HAVE NO F!#*ING CLUE. I mean it. I often felt a pressure to ALWAYS BE SUITABLE or adequate no matter what the situation is. Some of you might know that feeling. "Do not admit you are unable. People will think you are a failure." Competitive gaming boosted the pressure even more. But, this feeling is almost entirely gone. I don't always know the answer. I don't always know how to do something, nor do I always have an opinion. Some stuff is simply beyond my knowledge. But I almost always certain where to go to in order to find a person I could ask for advice or knowledge. And I, for myself, am able to do the stuff I do with full concentration. Enthusiasm is great to get the engine running, but your fuel is limited and you will never reach the end of ALL THE PATHS, but with the right mindset you will be able to reach far BEYOND THE END OF YOUR PATH.