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My name is Max, I am a video game addict. My addiction is beyond any imagination. This journal is my last bit of hope to recover. If I would relapse even one more time, I'll let it go and would never attempt quitting ever again in my life. I'm sick of it.

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2 hours ago, WhoCares said:

My name is Max, I am a video game addict. My addiction is beyond any imagination. This journal is my last bit of hope to recover. If I would relapse even one more time, I'll let it go and would never attempt quitting ever again in my life. I'm sick of it.

I wouldn't set ultimatums if I were you. It's just not a recipe for success. I haven't read your other post if you wrote how you relapsed, but are you studying why you're relapsing? Have you figured out what is triggering cravings? Have you thought about what you're missing in your life that gaming provides?

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Statistically speaking you are likely to relapse, but I understand the feeling of hopelessness... like it sucks you in and you can't get out. Like it's all you have and there's nothing else, and all you can do is game. You think about it every day and night.

And there is so much more out there. What are your reasons to quit?

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Hey Max, what's up? 

I've been relapsing on and off as well. I'm sick of it too, especially knowing that someday I would quit forever. That 'someday' was today like yours. I hope that we stay gaming free forever, batchmate!

To a better life, cheers! 

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23 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I haven't read your other post if you wrote how you relapsed, but are you studying why you're relapsing? Have you figured out what is triggering cravings? Have you thought about what you're missing in your life that gaming provides?

Yeah, I figured all of that long ago. Why I gamed: 1) I was good at it. 2) Sense of purpose, goal to achieve. 3) Other people admiring my skills. 4) Social interaction 5) Escape from my problems. Why I quit: 1) I completely neglect all my other activities and responsibilities. 2) I am socially awkward and insecure. 3) I feel bad for wasting my life. 4) Competitive gaming makes me nervous and toxic. 5) Gaming all day is bad for my physical health. Triggers: 1) Boredom. 2) Anxiety. 3) Overwatch game updates. 4) Other games. 5) Streams. 6) Gaming videos. 7) Conversations about gaming.

So, basically I miss everything in my life that gaming provides.

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@TheNewMe2.0 Thanks, I am working on finding a way to quit. It’s very heartwarming that someone actually likes to read my posts, because even I don’t. I think that my previous posts are just loads of bullshit mixed with pathetic whining and bad English. I’ll work to improve that.

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1 hour ago, WhoCares said:

@codepants Thank you for your support. I know that quitting won’t be easy and relapses are most likely to happen. But I can’t start everything over so many times. I wrote the reasons why I quit above.

Welcome, @WhoCares. Congrats on the first steps.

You CAN start over so many times. I've been on this train for 5 years now. Last year I finally got to an 11 month streak without games, now I'm at 7 months (thanks Covid). 

But it's never about the streak length that you're on at a given moment. Let's say you relapse 5 times in a year - 1 month, 2 months, 6 months, 1 month, and 2 months. You might say, "Damn, I relapsed 5 times. How terrible!" Or you look at it differently, "Instead of gaming 365/365 days in the year, I only gamed in 360/365 days in the year--a 98.6% reduction--and made a bunch of awesome changes in my life!" If I gave up, I'd still be working at a pizzeria while living with my parents making $12k a year like I did when I started my journal. Now, I have a sweet engineering gig I'm starting on Monday. Wouldn't have happened had I not kept trying.

It hurts to start over because it means we missed our goal. But as long as we always learn and improve, the journey becomes more important than the goal.

Good luck!

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I won't focus too much on "If I would relapse even one more time, I'll let it go and would never attempt quitting ever again in my life. I'm sick of it." because I said that so many times in my own addiction(s) and it's simply not true. It might be how we feel in the moment but there's never a last time for these things until we're successful. I understand the despair and feeling of hopelessness you must have for failing to quit but keep in mind that being conscious of your problem really is most of the solution. Even if it doesn't feel like you're making progress, you do every day. Every time we relapse we learn more about how to stick to it.

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On 11/6/2020 at 6:23 AM, DaBest said:

But it's never about the streak length that you're on at a given moment.

I'm starting to understand that. You're definitely right. I was just too emotional and angry on myself while writing first post in this journal. In Russia we have a phrase "Дорогу осилит идущий" which means 'Route will be passed by the one who's walking'. I know translation isn't perfect.

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Relapsed again, I'm not getting any better after all. I'm hopeless. I gave up. Games ruined my life so much that I'm not able to fix it. Point of no return is far behind me. I don't even live, I exist. All my plans, dreams and activities are always postponed to tomorrow, but tomorrow's never coming. There is no tomorrow for me. I'm stuck in procrastination circle. 

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Hey man. It's hard. I felt like you did today in a way. 

You do have a long ways to go. Emphasis on long. This is not a short journey. One relapse does not mean you are a lost cause. On the contrary, by "relapsing" it means that you are trying to not game, which before you started not trying to game, you were just gaming. That in and of itself is an improvement. 

Let me ask you this: is there anything you can do right now that is so simple and easy, that it would be a tiny step in the right direction? Do you need to do dishes, throw out trash, pay a bill? Do it. It doesn't have to be more than 5 minutes. Heck, you don't even have to finish it. Just do the smallest amount you can. You are now one step ahead of where you would of been if you didn't.

Rinse and repeat. Become a champ.

For real though, I find when I go off the deep end, sometimes taking a small and intentional step in the right direction is enough to get me moving again. 

Stay strong. We have your back!

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I want to put forward this reasoning that will bring back your fighting spirit. It has helped a few other members here, but Dabest and other members have mostly fleshed it out.

First off, you are not starting over. You are still continuing from that time when you started on this forum and discussed your career aspirations. Every time you relapse, look at clues like an investigator does. If you examine the whole cycle, your thoughts, emotions and actions prior to going back to games you will hopefully detect that clue (I like to refer to it as the culprit). You can then makes simple changes to counter ambush the culprit. So you simply disallow yourself from interacting with something or doing something that brings you back into the habit of gaming.

 

I will give an example that is a nice illustration of this approach. I read that in the Russo-Japanese war, Japanese used a number of superior tactics in naval battles. They managed to sink two Russian major ships in one battle, but the Russians were able to observe and understand these tactics and soon after they sunk a Japanese ship. So while they were initially defeated, they didn’t let this get in the way of collecting intelligence.

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Hey, don't give up. Keep trying. You can't lose as long as you keep trying it's not over. As long as you're alive there's still a chance for you to succeed. So don't give up. Try to find something else to occupy your time, watch some of cam's videos do other things and then sleep. You can do it.

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22 hours ago, WhoCares said:

Relapsed again, I'm not getting any better after all. I'm hopeless. I gave up. Games ruined my life so much that I'm not able to fix it. Point of no return is far behind me. I don't even live, I exist. All my plans, dreams and activities are always postponed to tomorrow, but tomorrow's never coming. There is no tomorrow for me. I'm stuck in procrastination circle. 

Dude, I'm gonna sound like an asshole and I apologize. 

Cut the shit. You relapsed. This doesn't define you and you're only a failure because you're saying you're a failure. In my opinion, I think you're doing a great job. You were nearly a professional overwatch player. I was a professional nhl player. It took me 5 years to officially quit gaming once I recognized I was ruining my life with NHL. 

At this time in your life you're in your young 20s. Men need to go through a transformation in their 20s to lay out a path in front of them in search for greater meaning in life. You mention how you just exist. We all just exist. We live to make society a better place and do things we enjoy. Life is meaningless in the sense that the universe could potentially infinite. That's why gaming is so peaceful and safe. 

You enjoyed gaming and that's why you played. Everytime you play now you start to resent it because you feel you have the potential to serve a greater purpose in life. This is why you feel like a failure when you relapse. You don't want to play anymore but don't have other things to dedicate yourself to. This is where a job helped me. I work a lot and care about getting the job done and helping the team. Employment is important, but you need to appreciate progress. 

Start looking at this purely as mathematics. Count how many hours per month you spent playing games in 2019 and compare it to 2020. You'll notice it's cut in half or more. 

That's incredible progress. I used to play 18 hours per day for years and now I don't play. That doesn't happen over night. 

Every time you have a meltdown like this you need to slash water on your face and tell yourself to shut up and count the improvement you've made. 

Sorry to sound like an asshole, but sometimes you need to just wake up. Keep up the good work and just read what I wrote with humility and don't get defensive. Just read my words. 

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Helo whocares. I am also addicted to video games, I have been trying to quit for at least 8 years. Although I have had some success, with several months without gaming. I always end relapsing. Usually I start by fooling my self that this time I will only play moderate times and before I even notice it, I am again fully addicted to video games, TV shows, porn and social media. I believe I have a really compulsive personality and I am prone to addiction in general. It really sucks, but we must carry on.

Today is my first day "clean" after a very big relapse playing Age of Empires III every time I was not working for the last two weeks. I convince myself that I just had to accept my gaming habit and simply manage it better, I ended up playing the game for 30 hours straight without break to bath or eat, which I think really served as a wake up call for me.

Just like you I relapse all the time. Today I start my 4th attempt to quit gaming cold turkey. The best advice I think I can give you is Identify what trigger your gaming habits. I find it hard to quit gaming if I do not quit other addictive activities. Other than that I can only offer my support and hope you get through those difficult times. I will keep track of your journal and I am available if you need someone to vent out.

 

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On 11/14/2020 at 4:00 PM, BooksandTrees said:

...

At this time in your life you're in your young 20s. Men need to go through a transformation in their 20s to lay out a path in front of them in search for greater meaning in life. You mention how you just exist. We all just exist. We live to make society a better place and do things we enjoy. Life is meaningless in the sense that the universe could potentially infinite. That's why gaming is so peaceful and safe. 

You enjoyed gaming and that's why you played. Everytime you play now you start to resent it because you feel you have the potential to serve a greater purpose in life. This is why you feel like a failure when you relapse. You don't want to play anymore but don't have other things to dedicate yourself to. This is where a job helped me. I work a lot and care about getting the job done and helping the team. Employment is important, but you need to appreciate progress.

...

Great posting. To add to the above, I believe there are some hard truths about life that we human being just have to accept and learn to live with it. I think that getting spiritual/ philosophical support really can help to achieve a sense of connection and meaning in life.

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Thank you @JSmith @DaBest @Amphibian220 @TheNewMe2.0 @BooksandTrees @dasvira I really appreciate your support. I read all of your replies last week but wasn’t ready to answer then. I didn’t play since my last post, so now I’m 1 week game free. You guys changed something inside me, now I’ll continue overcoming my addiction no matter what. Not only for me, but for you guys, you put efforts in cheering me up and I don’t want to disappoint you. @BooksandTrees you were right, it’s a process. 
 

I am abandoning this journal and returning to my first one.

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