JSmith

1.12.2024 | Day 9 Had my work training intake call this morning. 5 months of training...at another school. I'm sick. I already have a bachelor's degree and did other training after that. I told myself I would never do another training/school program, but at least this time they're paying me, and I don't really have any other options. I suppose I could keep applying to jobs and back out if something good comes up. 5 months is a long time. @sniper Sorry that happened to you. From what I heard somewhere else on here the GQ discord isn't the best, so good on you for getting out of there.

1.11.2024 | Day 8 Rollercoaster of emotions today. Very positive session with my counselor. Expressed my frustration that quitting gaming wasn't translating to increased productivity as quickly as I was hoping. Their response: give it another week. Fair enough. Shared my concerns regarding porn consumption, also got assuring feedback in that area. Some things to think about and work on for future sessions. Got rejected on a public Discord server after. Was messing around, trying to fit in, talk to people. Apparently told a bad joke and got told to fuck off. Devastating blow...mostly to my ego I'll admit. I was so angry. I thought I had read the room correctly, but I guess not. I don't get these public chats, other people make it look so easy. Whatever, I lost. I'm not even mad anymore, because now I'm talking to an old friend I reconnected with. They literally got back to me while I was sitting at my desk fuming over the Discord nonsense, and whoosh, the pain is releasing. Funny how that works sometimes. I have a call tomorrow about some possible work training, something that might help me out of this unemployment mess. We'll see. I really thought I was gonna give up today.

1.10.2024 | Day 7 Yeah…porn is a problem. I have counseling tomorrow, I’ll bring it up.

@Pochatok unsure what you mean here, can you clarify? 1.9.2024 | Day 6 Had some weird/disturbing dreams last night. I had a dream where I gave in and returned to gaming, and a nightmare where I lived in a haunted house, with some weird doll/girl figure. Many years ago, a much younger me, frustrated with a slew of nightmares I had been having, somehow trained my mind to wake me up from perceived nightmares, before they got too bad. It seems that defense has been eroding in the past couple years. They drag on longer than I'm used to. I noticed I can panic and catastrophize inside my head, WHILE dreaming, but I don't wake up. Anyways. Watched an hour long YT video on ebay flipping basics. Honestly, I don't want to do it. It's just another money making scheme. Doesn't mean it doesn't work, clearly it does, but I've been down this road before. Chasing money with zero passion for the actual activity. I'd really like to just get a regular job, at least then I have stability. There's a tech training program in my state that supposedly helps with just that. I don't really have any other options, than the usual cold applying. I'll see where it goes.

1.8.2024 | Day 5 Didn't do anything today, aside from avoiding gaming. I wonder if it's taking more energy than I thought, just to resist. I uninstalled my phone games last night, but the cravings are still there. Even with now having to wait to redownload, it feels way too easy to just...revisit the app store. As if it's not really the number of taps or the wait time that's stopping me, it's the decision alone. How easy it would be to decide to give in. Sigh. YouTube movies are keeping me distracted, but I really wish I could have been a little more productive. Today is the Riddick trilogy, starting with a rewatch of Pitch Black (2000), a movie which terrified the crap out of me as a kid, followed by a rewatch of The Chronicles of Riddick (2004), one of my favorite sci-fi films of all time. The third film, Riddick (2013), I have not seen yet. I will after I finish this. I heard it wasn't very good, and in fact it seems the trilogy as a whole wasn't well received, but I don't let film critics or public opinion stop me. If I'm interested, I'll see for myself, as I always do. I really need to get up earlier tomorrow, to make those calls. I also still need to get back to my mom.

1.7.2024 | Day 4 Some small efforts. Reworked my resume (again...) last night, with advice from my counselor, then applied to a few more jobs earlier today. I'd really like it if this was as painless as possible. I don't want to have to touch my resume again. Boredom/awkwardness is still there. Still getting urges, too. I'm starting to realize just how much in my life can actually manifest into an urge. Even watching youtube videos related to fictional worlds makes me want to play the associated games. I won't get into specifics. Maybe I can channel this energy into my story ideas. Probably gonna do some work on that tonight. Resisting computer games is easy because I wasn't doing a whole lot of that anyways, but the phone games are much harder because I was much more invested. I still have them installed. I should...uninstall them. I'm hesitating which makes me suspect I haven't fully committed. I haven't even officially decided on the duration. I'm just going a day at a time right now. I feel like I should make a firm decision, but I'm afraid if I pick too big a number I'll disintegrate or something...my brain is already trying to "negotiate" with me. I think a firm decision would be helpful. Had a fun idea: tracking movies I watch. I watch a TON of movies. It's getting kinda ridiculous. Today was War of the Worlds (2005), a classic that just now became free on YT 😑. So interesting seeing a young Tom Cruise and Dakota Fanning after all these years, especially after having recently watched The Equalizer Part 3 (2023) and being like "holy crap is that Dakota Fanning? she's grown up!". Actually we're probably the same age. Yeah we're less than a year apart... Anyways, tomorrow's Monday and I have to make a bunch of boring calls. Maybe I'll get started on flipping too, if I get up early enough. One big positive since I started this: I've been getting a TON of sleep.

1.6.2024 | Still Day 3 Getting this out before it turns Day 4. Had a GI episode after breakfast. My doctors suspect IBS. It started about a year ago, and my tests have come back all negative, so IBS is really all that's left, short of a colonoscopy (fuck no). I'd really like a better explanation than "well sometimes your gut just acts up". That feels weak. WHY? There seems to be a bunch of foods that now give me problems. Will try to get an allergy test done. Mom texted me today wanting to check in. Not in the mood to give another report on how I'm still jobless. Will get back to her later. Had a disturbing thought a few days ago: the moment I do find a job, it's likely I won't be able to afford my current therapy. Well, I will. My mental health is the priority right now. Student loans are gonna have to suffer, or something. Otherwise, still getting gaming urges and bored spells that somehow hasn't yet completely overwhelmed me. Porn feels like a problem, but one at a time. Back tomorrow night.

I feel like 3 weeks isn't long enough to find a job and become financially stable, but we'll see. Otherwise I'm gaming with guilt. How do you feel after having quit all those years ago? Day 3 Yeah, I'm bored. Kinda. Been finding things to fill in the day, but I get these awkward gaps where it feels like I don't know what to do with myself. I've been here before with dopamine detoxes, just gotta let it ride. I'm not yet at the point where "ah yes I'm ready to apply to 1000 jobs now" or anything like that. I still absolutely hate it. Landlord is poking me for rent, though, so I need to do something. My degree is in computer science, but either my resume is still shit, or I'm literally the worst computer science graduate on the planet, so I'm widening. Last night I researched financial planner. Not doable without a base salary. Tonight it was flipping, thanks to Gary V. I really just want a job I don't have to think about, but I have all day, so...better than nothing I suppose. I did do a couple hours of research for my story idea. Quantum mechanics. Something I would have struggled greatly with a week ago. So there's that. I need to ask a lawyer a copyright question. These entries are a bit awkward because it's actually the beginning of the third day, but my sleep schedule is reversed, so I'm writing this after midnight, when ideally I'd do this at the end of the day. 48+ hours so far though. Bored.

Day 2 I finished my degree, and my book. That's about all I have. Been unemployed 8+ months. I'm feeling largely apathetic to be honest. Just kinda went numb after some time, though I still put forth some effort here and there. My book is sitting in a pdf document on my laptop. I was going to find an agent, but I found myself in disfavor with the publishing industry, and decided to self-publish. Then I remembered how much I dislike social media marketing, or just social media in general. So now I don't know what to do. Or maybe I just don't think it's good enough to be worth the effort. I was gaming, still. Not nearly to the degree as before my first detox, but enough to remain a problem. To be perfectly honest, I don't want to quit, not entirely. If it's possible to make it work, I would like to figure that out. But I can't right now. There's just...too much wrong. My body feels like it's falling apart. I'm terrified of surgery, but I need to do something. I have a second story idea. I actually want to pivot to screenplays, as I've fallen in love with movies in my adult years, compared to the bookworm I was as a child. I'm terrified of that too. It's an ambitious idea, but I'm afraid of being well known, if it works. I have skeletons. So I'm pretty crippled by anger, anxiety and fear currently. But I need to do something. I thought a couple days ago, what if I just took a year off gaming, and see what happens? I won't miss much, and I'll have the space and energy to figure out this job issue, and see if there's anything I want to do about this story. I really don't know yet, but boredom will force me to think about it.

Still thinking about that girl from the bookstore.

Its okay. You can always try again when you're ready. Is there anything positive you can do today, for just five minutes even?

I think it's because when you start something, you don't see any results for a long time. In today's world, patience is extremely difficult to cultivate. I was actually thinking about this earlier. Imagine how insane life would be if you did something once, and your body immediately reacted as if you had done that thing every day for twenty years. Smoke a cigarette, drop dead. Eat a cheeseburger, gain 100 pounds. Eat a carrot, turn into Mr. Clean. That would be a lot more obvious, and easier. But life ain't that way. Good or bad, change takes time. And our memories play hell with us, which doesn't make it easier.

Dopamine Detox: Day 8 I must be a masochist. Seriously dude, you can stop anytime you want now. You've more than doubled your initial target. I don't know, though. The more time I spend actually thinking about my real life problems, the more I realize how complacent I've been. I may feel extremely guilty, regressing back to old habits, even if they are greatly diminished. It feels as if any second I spend in blissful leisure is a second I could spend actually making things better. Even if the majority of that time is thinking about what the hell to do next, which so far has been the case. Maybe it's the cold weather, but I've felt even worse about my campus than I did yesterday. It hit me like a brick wall during dinner. I let my family talk me into returning to school, pursuing a major I'm not passionate about. And now I'm bogged down. If I had just been smarter, dammit, if I had just embraced the Slight Edge principles I'd already been reading about for years...I'm dwelling on the past. It just feels like such a waste. I shouldn't even be that upset, it looks like next semester will be my last. Still...such meaningless, wasted effort. On the bright side, my investment deposited today. And I'm already seeing returns. Now the math gets a little wonky, and I don't know the exact anticipated annual percentage. But I heard around 10% is the norm, which for my principal is about six pennies a day, my safe withdrawal rate being about a third of that, or two pennies in pocket. My original calculations were more conservative, especially in regard to taxes, hence my anticipated one. I made EIGHTY EIGHT pennies today. That's almost eighteen in pocket. Of course, things can swing in the opposite direction tomorrow, markets forbid. But to actually SEE the growth, it's incredible. Can't wait to check again tomorrow. Earworm still being a bit of a pain, but no worse than yesterday at the very least. Maybe a little better. I had a weird dream this morning, about this girl I almost ended up hanging out with last year. I wrote it down on my phone. A bit late to type all that out, but maybe in the future. I don't think I've ever immediately woken up from a dream and actually recorded it. I did sleep decently well though, in general. Another plus.

It's all dopamine in the end, tricky little hormone in our technology filled world.

I don't even LISTEN to that song!

@Bird By BirdIt's not THAT bad. Maybe a nasty case of earworm, did a little research of my own. I'll bring it up with my counselor on Monday if it keeps bugging me. The most bizarre thing is it's not just one song, it's like five or ten. One goes away and another takes its place. I was able to find some quiet while writing. Dopamine Detox: Day 7 Took a ridiculously long time to fall asleep. Probably the worst night yet. I think the eyemask helped a little, but man. Pretty girl wasn't at the gym today. Oh well. Still bouncing on heads and pins trying to figure out my living situation. Not only can I not take out anymore financial aid for off campus living, but there's a solid chance I'll get denied my application to get a refund, thanks to a yearly contract I signed late February...before all this madness. I still might try, but I'm not sure yet if I can afford being off campus, even with my money back. I need to crunch more numbers. And still figure out what I'm doing November to January. And do projects and exams. Pain. "ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby..." Is that Mariah Carey? I'm technically still detoxing so I can't look it up yet. Speaking of which, I'm thinking today is the last day. I mean, I don't know yet. I feel urges to escape, so maybe I should keep going. But maybe I can test the waters. With certain activities. NOT porn. This damn earworm thing has me wondering through. If I abstain from music for just a little longer, might it go away and finally give me peace? There's only one way to find out. I've listened to music pretty much my whole life. In recent years it's felt more like a dependency. A week ago I couldn't even walk from point A to point B without music. Any boring tasks? Where's my earphones. Loud, too. Louder than is healthy. Perhaps this is a withdrawal symptom. In that case, I am curious to see what's on the other side. One upside to no music: I haven't had ANY tinnitus. Not even a little. Ahh I spoke too soon. This thing on my wall just turned off and now I hear a faint ringing. I have problems. "do-do-do...da..." (I did say insanity was a possibility)

Are you a therapist? Which country are you referring to?

Dopamine Detox: Day 6 Weird day. Woke up around the same time as the last few days. Hit the gym again. Cute girl there, seen her twice now. Wish I could talk to her or something, but I feel like that's too obvious, at the gym. Spent last night, and this whole morning/afternoon, obsessing over finances and investments. I've been building this spreadsheet over the last year or so, trying to figure out how I'm gonna handle my money. Turbocharged the thing after spending some time on the FIRE subreddit. I think re-reading The Slight Edge kinda set me off here. All these years, I could have been making money, for free, no work required, but didn't. Started an investment account today. Just need to get my bank verified, and with a 200 dollar investment, I could be earning a penny a day. For free. If you've read The Slight Edge, you know what that means. Was also in communication with financial aid, trying to see if I can make living off campus a possibility. Received conflicting information. Gonna have to call them again tomorrow. Messed up before my evening class. Had a massive lunch, lots of sodium, not very healthy. Crashed after the class. I just finished my writing for the day, minutes ago. And I haven't even studied anything yet. And I have an exam next week. Got an email from reslife, too. Apparently they're closing my floor. So I have to choose a new room in the next few days. I already have enough living problems currently. More motivation to peace out. Shit like this is why I feel like I need to detox. Just too much I need to figure out right now. Observations - Music is still playing in my head. All the damn time. Is this ever going to stop? - Writing feels easier. Even this late, I haven't needed as much break time, compared to the last couple weeks. - We are all guinea pigs for the rest of humanity to learn from. This is both good and bad, depending on your point of view. - I'm definitely harboring past regrets and resentments. It's becoming increasingly obvious. I know I'm moving forward, but they're still there. - I feel less dirty and more normal, abstaining from porn. Tomorrow will make a full week of this. That seriously might be my last day. I feel like the music part is especially futile. I hear music throughout the day anyways. In the gym, or at the dining hall. Maybe that's why my brain can't fully knock it. I was literallly jamming in my room for a moment today, over my favorite metal band. Felt pretty good, too. Maybe listening to podcasts might help? Ideally I'd just have peace and quiet. This damn song from the gym, it's been in my head ALL DAY. No promises. One day at a time. Positive Experience of the Day - Ahhh that girl from the gym. She's FIT. Or maybe it's just the yoga pants. Listen, you gotta take your wins. For me, that's just getting to see a beautiful woman. She ties her hair up too, I love it when women do that. I could be overly romanticizing the poor girl. After all, it's hard to get a good look at someone with a mask on their face. But hey, as far as first impressions go, A plus. Or do I actually need to talk to her to get a first impression? That sounds more reasonable. I find women come across completely differently when you're actually close to them, having a conversation. Still, this is supposed to be a positive experience, so I'm taking the win. I also can't think of anything else. I can't do it. My infatuation is based on a potential lie. I'm taking the L instead. So be it.

Well my daydreaming can certainly get "lengthy", by that definition. But it's never felt like "interference", not like gaming for example. Just something I did a lot. Okay, except for maybe when I'm trying to sleep. But that's a whole different struggle for me. I've certainly experienced spikes in other escapism-related activities after quitting gaming, which makes sense to me, because they're essentially the same kind of activity. Keeping you away from real life issues. No doubt if I was gaming I would probably daydream less, but again is there really a difference?

I consider myself a solid daydreamer, but never thought of it as a disorder...at what point does daydreaming become maladaptive? The symptoms I read on healthline are extremely general ("lengthy periods" = many minutes to hours???). I engaged in quite a heavy bit of roleplaying in the past, that I could say for sure was a clear issue. But now I work on novels so that part of me is channeled to something more constructive, I guess. *shrug*

FIRE is great. I was just reading through it and running some numbers today and last night. I’m gonna start investing ASAP. It’s free money!

I feel you, on the rage and the relationships. Lotta noise, not so much signal.

Dopamine Detox: Day 5 Another quick workout in the morning, before breakfast. Felt good to just get some cardio in without trying to push myself too hard. I don't want to be too hard on myself anymore, I'm slowly learning how far simple consistency can take me. Class registration was today. I decided this is it. Gonna take 4 CS courses next semester, hopefully get an internship during the summer I can do for credit, and I'm done. Don't want to spend another year here, May sounds much better. It won't be easy, but hopefully taking steps like this detox will help get me in the right mindset. Speaking of which, I had some powerful urges today, to break the detox. I'm not exactly sure why I'm still going, to be honest. Maybe it is because of next semester. Maybe it's because I'm actually starting to tackle some problems I've been putting aside. Like what I'm gonna do in two weeks when they kick us off campus. I don't have a place to go to. Yet. Speaking of which, I did some quick math not too long ago. I'm paying WAY too much for what I'm getting on campus. Tomorrow I'm gonna call my private loan servicer, and see what options I have. Everything's online. I don't need to be here. It feels like I'm torturing myself a little. Maybe I should set a hard date, and then go off the detox for a day. How easy would it be to go back to old destructive habits though? I'm not sure. It didn't take very long the last time I detoxed, but it wasn't as hardcore as this time. I don't know if this is a viable long term lifestyle, but it might be viable for 6 months. I said earlier I didn't want to judge myself, and my original goal of 3 days WAS successful. Maybe every additional day is just a neat little experiment. I still feel like I have too much free time, but that's honestly a good thing. I'd rather have too much than be bogged down. I think the biggest benefit I've seen so far is simply having the time and energy to think about how I actually want my life to look, and then taking some small steps in making change. There is a time AND energy cost in engaging in high dopamine activities. And I actually studied a little bit today, despite not having any strict assignments due soon. How about ONE more day. One positive experience of the day - Had a good time today working on my book. I was rewriting some really interesting dialogue scenes, and having some fun with it actually. I think the part of the book I'm working on currently is one of the most interesting for sure. There's a lot of unknowns and the urgency is certainly there, I think at least. Hopefully other people like it too!

Same. I don't even bother making daily schedules, they never work out.

Dopamine Detox: Day 4 Did tackle that homework, got it all done today, which feels nice. Once I started, I was simply in it, so that's a good thing. I'm wondering if it's better to write in the morning instead of at night. In the past I've found that writing late keeps my brain going, which my counselor also told me was a risk. I slept decently well last night though. Maybe I'll do a short morning and evening post. I don't know yet. I have so much time, it's crazy. I finished working by around 8:30. My "normal" bedtime is 1am. Been feeling a little bored the last couple hours. Did some more reading, that's about it. I could do more writing or studying, but I'm also a little tired, and I don't want to rush my brain. I'll just sit with the boredom if I need to, until I'm ready to do something else. I keep wondering if the longer I do this detox, the closer I'll get to some hidden truth or something I've been unaware of for so long, like uncovering a treasure at the bottom of a stuffed chest. Or maybe I'll simply go insane, I have no idea. I've never done anything quite like this. It's scary not knowing where things will lead. I told my counselor if I had to sleep 12 hours a day just to do an extra 20 minutes of writing, that would be a good trade. Less scary. I think the anger flashes are the most scary. Something I've noticed recently, in the last few weeks. I just get angry about stuff, sometimes from an inciting incident, sometimes out of the blue. I can get in a dark place. Can't hide from it while detoxing. One positive experience of the day - Had soft serve vanilla ice cream in the dining hall. With whipped cream. It was a proud moment, a triumph of the human spirit. I went to an infamous ice cream shop a couple weeks back with my friend. Not only were the wait times extremely long due to restrictions, but I couldn't get any whipped cream. Not from there, or the two other places we tried going to next. Hence said spiritual triumph. Next time I'll buy whipped cream from the store first.