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fawn_xoxo

Fawn_xoxo daily; thoughts, goals & evaluation

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Reading a few of your posts from beginning, middle, and end made me think of this post

 

I agree with you. The emotions you are feeling are real, true, and right! The challenge is how do we manage these emotions or let them flow through us? What's another way that we can express these emotions? It's great that you are learning strategies and, to be honest with you, remember that having strategies in the first place is absolutely okay too. You are strong and you can do this!

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Day 228.                          No games, day 23 +previous total of 176.

I didn't do my 2 goals for today, reeeee!

Checklist
negativity free: I had some paranoid thoughts that I dealt with properly
avoided eating animals: yes, 5 days streak afaik
1 gratitude practice per day: none yet, strike that, this journal helps me remember things to be grateful about, so yes
1 fruit per day:  yes
8 glasses of water per day: yes
sodas free: yes, 5 days streak
sweets free: I ate icecream when I went out with friends, everything there had sugar anyway
some exercise per day: none


I did some work today, I did some chores, I went out with friends and it was a lot of fun. I did have some paranoid thoughts but unlike other times I dealt with them faster and easier, with more confidence. I have been working more intensely on my self esteem, focusing on myself and prioritizing myself. I have been focused on my diet, if not on exercise yet, and keeping true to the goals and promises I made to myself about those. I am not perfect but I'm doing very well so far I think. I want to do better, but I shouldn't be extreme or go to perfectionism. 

I am grateful that I am doing better. It is not a given and it is not granted or guaranteed. A lot of things happen to people, things go wrong. But lately things have been looking up for me. I am thankful for that. I have been reconnecting with my values, even if they might bring me to conflict, minor at that, with people I care about. I want to achieve self expression without feeling embarrassed or ashamed that people will notice my style choices. I want to be proud for the details in my outfits and if people look, that's okay. I like pretty things, wearing them or making myself into someone prettier. Some people will not approve, especially people who prefer more usual, casual outfits or in general staying unnoticed, but that's alright. Do I need people's approval? I need my approval. This is to remind myself, I'm not 100% there yet, I'm practicing. XD

Tomorrow I'm going to be social again. I don't know if my goal to exercise in the house is suitable to my character, I've avoided it for a long time. But tomorrow I have to consider those recipes so that I can buy the appropriate groceries etc. I want to eat like the people I want to look like. I want to continue getting on the scale and seeing the numbers go down. I want to be in tune with my values and goals and desires. Right now those are more appearance focused than career, but at least I have goals I feel strongly about.

I need to work more and procrastinate less. Tomorrow I will try to only watch youtube while I eat and set a timer for 30'. When I take breaks from work, I should change rooms and positions. I need to distance myself from the computer even more, because the habit of being on it (because of games) is still keeping me here, away from doing more active things while I'm in the house. I need to change this and do more things in the house that don't include the computer, like reading. 

Little side note-thought is that although when I returned to gaming for those 3 weeks or so  I had this close contact with gaming friends, almost no one has messaged me ever since I didn't show up again. We're all connected just because of the games in there, it seems, we're not real friends. It's okay, just thought to share it. People are probably immersed in the game and they don't think about me, I just notice it cause I'm no longer in there myself.

I'm feeling sleepy though so off I go!

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I just checked the start of your journal and then the end, and I must say, I feel something that can only be described as feeling proud for someone else. Carry on! 🙂

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Some thoughts...
 

Spoiler

   When I read Matt's words in his journal in response to my feedback, it was disappointing. Matt is one of the people I gave a lot of time to when he was feeling his worst, especially at the start. If he was open to conversation I would write to him but he has his mind shut and so of course I respect it and instead I write here.
   I don't regret offering my time when he was in need and listening to his anger, because at the time I felt like being supportive like that. But I do feel like he is ungrateful for those times and unfairly hateful, even towards me, despite how much I have given him as a friend. He lies, attacks and accuses me in his journal when all I have done for him is try to give him some perspective, since he is alone in life with just his self-destructive tendencies. He even deleted the content of so many posts in his journals and now the feedback of users like myself and others has no context to it. If someone reads the journal, who knows what they'll think of us without the original content there!
  It is untrue that I am annoyed at him, why would I be annoyed? This is a support forum after all, we are all here for one another and we all desire progress. I am just disappointed now. One more 'online friend' that's a backstabber. Should I even give my time to anyone online? Maybe I am naive? Some people have told me that it's silly of me to try and help people from all over the world, people that I don't know the faces of. In this moment I feel like they were right to mistrust strangers. Every year I trust the internet less and less, a lot of its people betray me. 
  But no, not all people are like that. The majority of the users of this forum have been very friendly and open to discussions, grateful and appreciative of one another. I am really glad to read a lot of journals and see how every one of us is getting better through these interactions. I am grateful for this community and for its members. I miss the presence of some, like Silverlining who was really nice and helpful and supportive when I first started. I feel really in tune with the paths of JustTom or ElectroNugget who have also been very responsive and nice. RB1 is brand new and yet they are doing their best to do what's optimal for themselves while being honest and open, which is so hard when we all start. So many nice people who are all doing so much better than when they started, NannerZ and  Ambassador and Ikar and Natalie and Vera and Tzen and Nenad, just a few names off the top of my head. Goodvibes, who's now completely off the grid doing a tech detox. It's a great community and I'm happy to be part of it. You all rock. 💚

Edited by fawn_xoxo
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Day 229.                          No games, day 24 +previous total of 176.


Checklist
negativity free: Had one moment of paranoia that I dealt with and I'm happy about it
avoided eating animals: yes, 6 days streak afaik
1 gratitude practice per day: yes
1 fruit per day:  yes
8 glasses of water per day: 
sodas free: yes, 5 days streak
sweets free: YES
some exercise per day: none


I am so happy with my choice to not be distracted by youtube anymore. Sure, now that I am home after half a day of being outdoors with loved ones, I feel the lazy urge to be on youtube and waste time but no, I won't do it! Thank you @BrassWolf, and thank you @Elite333, since you made me go back to the start of my journal and reread it. This reminded me of some goals and one of those is to read. I went to the super market and they had a book section but I considered the options of e-books on a device I can take with me wherever I go digitally, and so I didn't buy a physical book. However today, now that I'm home, I will do some work and eat some healthy food and a serving of fruits, then look on amazon for fiction books to buy one and start reading it as relaxation before bed. 

I am also happy that when I went out today, I got food from a salad bar and ate very healthy! I also was offered soda but I said no thanks! This isn't always going to be the case, since just yesterday going out with friends required me ordering something with sugar in it, there was literally nothing else there, though gotta celebrate what victories we do achieve and just wait out the bad days. Weight dropped again today and I'm so hopeful for that. If I keep up my promises to myself about my diet, I am sure I will look so much better in a few months. Just gotta be consistent about it!

I did however buy a couple of bags of chips and an ice cream and a can of energy drink from the super market.. Will I eat and drink them as a one day cheat meal? Should I? For now I'm holding off. Maybe I will forget about them and they'll just be ten bucks wasted on food I won't eat, but at least that way it will not become belly fat on me! Or maybe I can actually consume them as an one-off thing? We'll see. It's alright though, I won't stress so much about it.

I haven't done much productive wise today since it was a day out, but if I do anything I might update here later on.

It seems that the more I keep at it, the more the good days become in the sum of all days. I am grateful for that and reconnecting with my spiritual side, taking better care of myself in multiple fields, but I do need to not forget to get better in my work habits and productivity. 

Edited by fawn_xoxo
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Glad I could help you along your own journey!

When it comes to making fitness goals, I've found assessing yourself at six month intervals is best for me, rather than weekly/daily. We're all here for you! You got this!

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I am glad people follow my journal and it is fine if they do not write, I also prefer to lurk (or be lazy to write anything sensible).

I am not taking sides on the grudge between you and Matt. 

But I know I always get bummed when I follow someone's journal, come to a new post and then find out it was edited out completely, when the entire point of journaling is to track the progress, to not start seemingly completely anew every single day.

It is fine to write literally whatever into your journal. It is also completely fine to leave something out if it is too personal or you do not want others to comment on your thoughts just yet, as unsolicited advice generally does not make friends.

But do not edit out whole posts on a regular basis. It means you feel ashamed of yourself on a regular basis.

Someone types faster than they think and that is fine, though it is better to avoid that (see "emotional vomit" by Mark Manson). Someone is trying to change their relationship with their ex and that is fine as well, though they have a bloody rough time doing that. We are all screwed up a bit differently.

But be responsible for what you write. Own it. Accept it. Even if it is horrible. It is something and it is yours. And that is WAY better than having nothing.

Perhaps you will laugh at it a few years from now, maybe it will remind you how lost you were and that you are better off now. But if you have no past, you have no future either.

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Day 230.                          No games, day 25 +previous total of 176.



Checklist
negativity free: yes
avoided eating animals: yes, 7 days streak afaik
1 gratitude practice per day: no
1 fruit per day:  no
8 glasses of water per day: like 5?
sodas free: yesss
sweets free: ate HALF an ice cream
some exercise per day: none


I am so happy that the weight is going down! I spent some time doing chores and errands so far, but first thing in the morning I got a shiny number on the scale! I still have weight to lose but I'm not overweight any more! Maybe 20lbs? We'll see how I look as I lose pounds and decide then. Not eating animals is keeping my whole diet so much cleaner, no burgers or pizzas or meatballs or anything, the options to eat out are wayyyy too few and so far I've eaten salads and such, and fruits at home. It can be easy it seems, if only I follow a good vegetable and legume based diet, like models do. I'd like to look more like a model, yes I would. XD

Later in the day after I went to the hairdresser, I got really upset. Really upset. She didn't cut my hair in the best way she could. She elongated my face with the way she cut it, and in part that's impossible for me to fix until it grows longer. I actually cried over it and I'm not ashamed for it. This taught me something: I'm a dramatic person in the whole spectrum. Just like I feel really horrible when I get a negative thought, I also felt really angry about hair, even though hair grows in some months. It's a good lesson about who I am, so that I have some perspective when judging myself harshly. I feel good things big, too. It's a balanced situation in a way.

I had bought this ice cream the other day and this day I ate a little. I left the majority in the tube. I'm happy with this decision, and my attitude towards food right now. I'm not overeating at this time in my life. When I physically feel I've had my meal, I stop eating. I don't eat just because it's in my plate and I should empty it, in example. I'm putting myself first and societal habits second.

Brick by brick, I feel I'm building a foundation of self acceptance and maybe love and celebration of the self. For the most part I feel.. I don't know what I feel for the most part. I have great moments, usually with loved ones, and I have a lot of thoughtful moments when I consider my present and future choices. I'm writing this in the morning of the next day, as I feel thoughtful again. 

I want to draw again but I don't know if want it deep inside. I think its lonely factor is what makes it undesirable to me. Working from a computer is already lonely enough. I feel much more like myself when I'm talking with people. It feels like self expression in a way being alone and doing things doesn't. I only like to do things if I can share them with people, too. Maybe I'm not meant to be an artist? 

Yesterday I thought about potentially following a fashion stylist career once I'm done with university. It's a social job and it involves pretty things. It's not as glamorous or as well paid as other jobs I guess, but I've never been money greedy. Just spitting out thoughts.

Edited by fawn_xoxo
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Do you also have some ethical/environmental concerns with meat? Because avoiding meat just for weight loss seems so strange to me, I guess as you said you can't eat burgers and such, but in general, the nutritional values of meat are perfect for a low-carb diet. Binging on pasta or fruits can skyrocket weight. I've been eating 99% vegetarian for half a year and have since gained weight 😄 Though of course that's because of gaming in winter/spring and general neglect. Personally, I do have both ethical and environmental concerns with meat, but not nutritional ones, so it's like the reverse of yours^^

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I have mostly health concerns about the repercussions of eating animals long term, because as far as I've read there's proof we're made (intestines, teeth, stomach pH) like animals that eat plants, and although I understand eating whatever you can get your hands on when it's freezing cold and you are a caveman or so, there's plenty of other options right now, even if it's not customary in society yet. Being completely honest, I do have some ethical concerns but not consistently, though lately as I've been reconnecting with myself and caring less about what people might say about me, I've been feeling more like staying away from eating slayed beings.

I don't care about being low carb or high protein, I am trying to eat more plants since the majority of the population (me included) are fiber deficient! Since evidence seems to support you can even be an Olympic athlete on plants, I'm not worried about macronutrients right now, just quality food, homecooked etc. 

What's your diet like? 

@JustTom

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3 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

What's your diet like? 

 

a ton of vegetables(an omelette with filling or salads that I eat daily) such as carrots,  broccoli, paprika, cucumber, black olives, corn, 2-3 types of salad, and then feta cheese, a lot of tuna, regular cheese,  eggs, peanuts, occasional toast and too-frequently-than-I-would-like I eat apple pie. While I was gaming I gained some weight due to eating A LOT of sweets and constantly drinking soda. I'm not overweight but also not ideal by my standards. I mean in the end it's about not eating more energy than we spend + getting enough micros. There are many ways to do that. I think most millennials in the west eat quite healthy, the rate of smokers went down significantly and except for some deficiencies such as no one getting enough vitamin D, we're doing pretty good on this front. 

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Day 231,232.                          No games, day 26,27 +previous total of 176.



Checklist
negativity free: yes
avoided eating animals: yes, 9 days streak afaik
1 gratitude practice per day: 
1 fruit per day:  no
8 glasses of water per day: l
sodas free: yesss
sweets free: ate an ice cream
some exercise per day: none


I wanted to quickly check in here. I spent Friday helping out loved ones with some chores and barely did any work as a result. Yesterday I had to do some more of that and also a childhood friend visited my location and we got together. How I like going out of the house with friends! I feel like I've been having those chances to grow socially lately and I'm thankful for that. I'm discovering myself finally and I'm finding out who I am and what I want, little by little. It's rewarding. I feel like while I was gaming I was hiding all my personality from the world, afraid of judgment, and this has created fears and doubts in me that I'm now working on.

I'm grateful for the opportunities I've been getting lately to show myself and grow myself. I know that I still need to work on more things, but I have been feeling better towards my self esteem these last days. 

I need not be like someone else, to be good, loved or accepted. I might be vain and have a fashion taste that doesn't match my humble location or culture, but this doesn't mean I should suppress it just to fit in. I don't need to fit in, I do need to feel connected with friends and loved ones, and I need to feel true to myself with them. I need not become like them to be accepted and loved, and I'm thankful that the times I've mentioned this lightly to some people in my life, they've been supportive. It makes it easier, having that reassurance that you are appreciated for who you are and whoever you might think you'll become.

Realizing I'm dramatic in my whole life has actually made it easier for me to accept that I can get dramatic and exaggerate about more things, like anxious and negative thoughts. This new perspective has allowed me to slightly easier notice when I exaggerate negatively in my mind and come up with worst case scenarios. If I can notice that it's an exaggeration, I can choose to dismiss it.

I've been living life and I wish my every day life was more active, like these past couple of days. I've gotten used to being lazy and only through interaction with other people do I get ideas as to what I can do differently to change that. And I like being with people much more than being alone, I keep thinking about that and hope to find ways to do it properly.

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Fawn! 

I just finished binge-reading this journal from start to finish, and I have to say, your progress has simply been mind-blowing. Not only are you over 200 days into your gaming challenge, you've also taken huge steps into improving your mental health, fighting inertia, and growing as a person. You should be so proud of yourself! You've really inspired me to work harder.

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Day 233.                          No games, day 28 +previous total of 176.

Checklist
negativity free: yes
avoided eating animals: yes, 10 days streak afaik
1 gratitude practice per day: yes
1 fruit per day:  YES, TWO SERVINGSSS
8 glasses of water per day: unsure, but at least drank a lot
sodas free:
yes, even though I had cravings
sweets free: YES, even though I wanted to eat ice cream again, I didn't!
some exercise per day: FREAKING YES!

Sunday and I did little bits of exercise outdoors, once with loved ones and once alone! Writing here I realize I did well in diet choices and in exercise and I'm happy for that! I also did some work today, but spent a lot of time outdoors with family and acquaintances, which was good! Not all days will be like this one and I do have some tasks to tackle professionally, but it was good to have a big dose of socialization, or a few. I really feel like I am slowly finding myself and it's really relieving that the people in my life, the really important ones, are still here and happy for it and accepting towards it. It makes a huge impact, not to feel rejected, when you change (or reveal yourself, I guess).

Thank you so much for the boost @Deku ! If you need a boop or some feedback please don't hesitate to tag me in your journal any time!
Sometimes I spend more time contributing to other journals than my own... 🤣

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Day 234.                          No games, day 29 +previous total of 176.

Checklist
negativity free: Dealt with it through this journal
avoided eating animals: ate one animal based meal
1 gratitude practice per day: yes
1 fruit per day:  no
8 glasses of water per day: unsure but drank a lot
sodas free: yes

sweets free: yes
some exercise per day: YES THIRTY MINUTES!

Monday morning. I open my eyes and I feel bad. Was it a dream that gave me a bad mood? I try to remember but I can't. Actually I don't want to remember. I deny these feelings. I have been struggling with having a stable good mood for years whenever I quit gaming. Gaming seemed to keep me in a state of ecstasy that I loved. Big feelings, explosive emotions, I was living for it. Now I'm left with this habitual denial. Whenever I notice that I feel bad, I don't want it to be true and I fight it. But it doesn't work like this. I opened my eyes and I had this bad feeling, it's the truth. Is it such a big deal? Am I not allowed to be human, and feel? I am. 

I know for a fact that denying and suppressing my feelings have been practices of mine for years. I don't know whether it's just to protect myself by avoiding admitting vulnerability, but probably? I want to be at peace with myself instead. As I wrote in earlier entries, I now observe that I'm dramatic and often I feel big. I have also observed that my biggest problem with feelings is that I fight them. It starts from not wanting to have them, to experience them maybe. Like a child, I throw a fit inwardly, saying nooo I don't want to feel this way!!! And then I feel sorry for myself, and guilty, that I'm still having bad moments.

It really helps to write things down because I can see how exaggerated my demands are. I would never ask someone I love to not feel. I would never ask them to feel bad for feeling bad, and I would tell them, of course you have bad moments, that's life. And so now I can see that self love would say to accept these feelings and just move on with the day. So I accept that those feelings are my own and that's okay, no need to renounce them.

I also want to admit to myself that I've been having gaming socialization cravings. It's a sneaky byproduct or effect of gaming, thinking about what my gaming friends might be doing and how I'm bad for not being in touch. I think behind that is just my desire to game and it's masked behind a pretense of socialization. What I am really looking for is the usual distraction, the mindlessness so to speak. Maybe it's cause of the established habit, maybe it's because I'm afraid of facing everything sometimes. That's okay. Unlike last time I won't do it. There is no way for gaming to work for me. It will stay away. 

I feel this tendency towards self pity right now. Or more like I'm afraid I'll feel self pity once I get out of bed. I overthink, it seems. I try to control everything in my life, it seems. I don't need to do that. I can accept the uncertainty, even though at this age it's more scary than it used to be. 

-- 

It's the morning of the next day and I filled in the checklist. I'm really glad and satisfied that I exercised again. I'm slowly finding my footing again. I'm also reading again, just a few pages each day, and also working more than before but still not enough. It's okay, it's progress. I'm very satisfied from somewhere deep within that lately as I'm discovering ways to express myself or take new actions, the people I love support me and even tell me they'll join me in some things when they can. Being me doesn't seem to push anyone away and I'm deeply relieved about that, cause I've been in self doubt for so long.

Edited by fawn_xoxo
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8 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

I also want to admit to myself that I've been having gaming socialization cravings. It's a sneaky byproduct or effect of gaming, thinking about what my gaming friends might be doing and how I'm bad for not being in touch. I think behind that is just my desire to game and it's masked behind a pretense of socialization.

One of the problems about gaming is that there’s a social component to it. It’s perfectly normal to feel those cravings after your quit, if you don’t get much social contact in your “real life”. I don’t know your situation well enough, maybe this does not apply to you. But if it is the case, if you feel lonely, then it’s easy to go back with the mind at those long days spent playing together with other people, feeling a contact with them, feeling part of something bigger, outside the restrict boundaries of the self.

I think what you are feeling can be explained with the restricted application of a general principle, which is: when we game, the game slowly takes the place of our life. When we quit, we are forced to face that emptiness.

If we got all our social stimulation inside of the game world, when we stop gaming we have to (we are forced to) realize that in our “real life” we don’t have that social stimulation. And when this thought becomes unbearable (because the more we stay far from games without improving our social situation, the more we crave for that easy social stimulation that games provided) we desire to go back to games.

This comes just for my personal experience and personal thought, maybe it can resonate with you, if you think you’re in a similar position.

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Day 235-7.                          No games, day 30-32 +previous total of 176.


I've been working! And exercising! And I have had some self evaluation done privately in my head but didn't write anything down. I have gotten slightly sick, ate a couple of ice creams but also exercised two more times. Thursday night I cooked a plant based meal for myself in an effort to escape habitual animal eating and it was good enough a dish! 

Day 238.                          No games for 209 days, day 33 +previous total of 176.

It's Friday morning now as I write this, I just woke up from a nightmare regarding my loved ones. Stupid things, dreams! Anyway. I've been getting my spark back. You see how I type with more exclamation marks? This thing. I feel more like the old me, the person I had stopped being. The spontaneous guy, the excitable guy. I'm happy to notice this guy coming back. I've been putting more credit to myself and less into what I think society will say for me. I've sat on my porch and sung even though people might see me. Who cares? Why suppress my personality? This is me. Maybe they'll enjoy me like I enjoy seeing strangers having happy moments, or maybe they won't. Not everyone finds peace with everyone else, we all have preferences. But that doesn't mean I'll try to appease everyone or try to prevent their judgment. 

I'm going to try catch more sleep before I work again. This non consistent entry thing might continue while I work more, cause after it I feel really tired and don't feel like using devices.

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Day 239.                          No games for 210 days, day 34 +previous total of 176.

It's late after Saturday night. It's been a day full of socialization, and I'm really happy about that. I find limits in myself, I find my boundaries. I've been going out with mostly childhood friends, and it's been good. I've been feeling more and more like that old self who is the life of the group and includes everyone and makes everyone feel comfortable hopefully. I've been having to deal with phobias and negative self talk because I am giving up my isolation and the change brings fear to me that I might mess up. I have been journaling about those privately and it's been effective in putting things into perspective. The most important thing for me right now is to not ignore my fears, my feelings, but also not allow them to be the driver in my life's car. I think I wanna expand on this.

I used to deny being emotional. I protested my emotional state, was upset over being upset or sad. I used to deny myself so. Little by little, week after week, I've been observing myself and trying to accept myself instead. Understand myself and admit what my flaws are. I'm dramatic in example. It's better to accept and admit that I am, and that sometimes I exaggerate in how big my reaction is to a negative event. It's easier to move on from it if I accept it as a part of me, instead of obsessing over it because of not wanting it to exist in me. Everything we fight, we empower. 

Another big lesson for myself is that I shouldn't neglect me. It's not that I give up on my thorough self evaluation when I have good days and only stay with the process when I'm feeling blue. I used to feel like there's constantly something wrong with me that I tend to ignore but only do emergency self care. Right now I think that I simply don't need to evaluate myself every day and so doing it on paper when I really need to untangle my thoughts is fine. I owe it to myself to do that when the occurrence calls for it. Sometimes my thoughts race and it's impossible to tame then so that I can organize them. And writing them helps to do that, it's a tool to relieve me of such a burden. And as a tool, I now use it with much less guilt and shame, because hopefully I respect my needs a little more than I used to.

Sometimes I fear for the future, or that I might turn out to be a worthless person that is wasting people's time. Sometimes I fixate on negative what if scenarios about myself that stress me. Right now I'm anxious, worrying about what my emotional state will be when a loved one comes over. I know that I've not been the person I needed to be in the past and part of that was me clinging on personality archetypes that I saw around me. I tried imitating people I loved, searching for approval like that. It gave me approval at the time, but it also gave me fear that as I now change back to who I was, or who I really am at this time in my life, that I will lose their approval. And it's really scary for me to imagine that, writing it down makes me face the really bad feelings that that loss would cause me to experience. I don't want to lose their approval though. And that's the root of my insecurities about myself, the fears and negative self talk. All of that is a wrong way with which my brain is trying to prevent that possibly traumatic experience. It thinks.. Maybe if I bring up all the things Fawn could do wrong, they can avoid all that and keep the approval intact. But that makes me a person who feels afraid at those times, and timid, and uncertain. Right now I feel those things.

Worrying that I will be worried and not fun to be around. That in one or the other way, I will disappoint. This is a twisted thinking process that I got because of my experience with games, how they made me a person detached and distant, someone loved ones didn't recognize. And my brain thinks that by going through the scenario of being "not fun at parties", it can prevent it.

I say this because I read somewhere that anxiety is the result of how our brain falsely interprets certain triggers as if they are life threatening, because when we lived in caves that anxiety meant the difference between life and death: raised heart rate and adrenaline give you a boost in case of a tiger running after you, scenarios make you prepared etc. But there's no real tiger, our fears are now of a different type, yet we end up having to deal with them as if they were tigers. 

The truth however in my case is that there's no tiger. I'm grateful, my loved ones have been really supportive of my efforts to find myself again. I've been encouraged for it and still feel accepted by them. I don't feel rejected. I just fear that I will be rejected, because I'll be a person not worth their time. There are more than one layers to this. Why am I afraid? I think it's because I have placed too much value on keeping people around me, I have clung to them to feel the warmth of their love. But it's wrong because it goes to such a level that I don't even think of me. I think of how I'll be perceived by others, but not of my own life and experience of a situation. Instead of trying to shape my day with family taking everyone in account equally, I don't ask myself how I want to do things, or what I want to do for the day, but rather immediately skip to trying to do what other people want. And that's a self esteem issue, a boundaries issue. How do I make sure I'm happy and I'm myself when I've gotten used to suppressing my own voice in fear it will not be of any worth anyway? 

I think the answer to that is to try. What I owe to myself is to ask me more questions and figure out how I feel in certain situations. Sometimes if I'm stressed, it's hard to find out what I think and feel, because I'm cowardly and mentally stuck. But I need to remember that the love I need the most in life is the love I can give myself. Respect, acceptance. It's inappropriate to not think of me. It's disrespectful not to ask me how I feel. I would never treat someone in my circle this way, but it's been how I've ignored myself for years, cowering because I wanted other people's acceptance and love to fill the void in my heart. I remember when I was younger, there were some nights that I turned in and felt really empty as I shut down my computer. As if everything I felt and experienced while with people only did something for me for those moments and when people were gone, there was nothing left. Maybe that was just a feeling, or maybe it's part of my lonely experience back then which shows how I wasn't doing things for the right reasons and thus was empty inside when I was alone.

Often when I feel stressed, I soon feel worse after realizing. As if I'm not allowed to feel negative things some times, I feel bad that I feel something negative. Another type of denying myself, that. And this doesn't change unless I honestly accept that this is life. Games gave me a pseudo happy state. Everything was always perfect in games, constant stimulation and always a new quest to go after. But I'm not a character in a game, I'm a human being. Sometimes I worry and worrying gives me bad sensations in my body. I should take a breath and accept those, rather than trying to avoid everything. And through this writing I get to remember that the root of my worrying in this case is that I value what loved ones will think of me over my own opinion. 

I realize, as I'm writing, that I'm feeling impatient to escape this worry instead of along myself to experience it. Even this tool can end up being used wrongly it seems, like a bandaid on a bleeding cut that's not been cleaned. It's not right to avoid myself and my feelings and reject them. If it was a friend or a little one, I would find it very normal for them to worry that in a time of many changes things might go wrong. It's human. And this is the right angle I got to adopt for me too. It's okay to worry, I worry because I care for the relationships I have in my life. It being alright doesn't mean the thoughts are true, it just means this is also a part of me and I don't need to deny it, hide it or try to avoid it. I can accept stress and be brave, try to put myself first and see what happens. It's scary in comparison to being a copy of other people, but it's been worth it so far.

It's Sunday as I edit this and I'm stuck in an anxious state of mind. I don't know what it is exactly I'm afraid of, or what happens to me. Expecting the arrival of the loved one, I felt tension. Maybe I fear that something bad will happen, but nothing did so far. Yet I'm not relieved. I feel on edge, and I'm struggling to keep myself calm. One person can bring chaos to my psychological state and I think I'm codependent. It's easy to be me when I'm alone, but in their presence I feel nervous, like I'm walking on eggshells. Why? I love them. And I think they love me. But when they're here I feel like sacrificing everything for them, yet at the same time I feel stuck in this state of anxiety regarding my mood. I get anxious about meeting them cause I used to get anxious about meeting them when I gamed and I wasn't good towards them. And ever since, meeting them is connected to stress in my brain. I feel bad that this is happening and I don't want it to happen. I am in denial. It's happened again, like I feared it would. I'm wishing the stress away. I don't want to tell them and cry but I might need to. I feel like crying because I feel everything so strongly. Trying to look like I'm fine doesn't work, my mind isn't in the moment, this stress distracts me from the goal of the day, which is to spend time with family. And in this way I feel like I'm disappointing them and myself, again and again. In this intense emotional moment, I feel like I just want this to disappear, this anxiety issue. But it's happening over and over and every time I hope it won't happen again but it does and nothing changes. Nothing changes if nothing changes, they say. So I came here to write now that I have the chance, and I'm trying to find another approach to this. I think they can already tell I'm not okay. Me trying to pretend like I am okay is a measure of protection for myself in a way, but they can see how I am, they've known me for years. Maybe instead of bashing myself inwardly about the occasion and denying it, I should share it instead. Writing about doing it, I feel some relief. They already know, I won't ruin anything they don't already realize. On the contrary what I've doing so far is the opposite. I've still been keeping them at a distance. I'm still keeping up walls right now instead of sharing my vulnerability with them. But that's not closure and a close relationship. When you're close you share your fear, you don't pretend you're strong. You let your guard down. I'm not doing that yet.

This isn't without its purpose. I don't share that I have anxiety because then in my mind I will be admitting this flaw. I don't want to be this problematic person, but I'm traumatized in some ways. Ignoring the flaws, avoiding them, neglecting them won't change my feelings. The situation with this person isn't resolved, or I wouldn't feel this anxiety. It isn't resolved. If I tell them my worries, I'm sharing my burden. My burden is real and my feelings are real, even if they might have more to do with the past version of me rather than the current me. The person has told me I'm fine just like I am. It hasn't changed the fact these fears keep on coming up those times that we see each other. And truth is that I always get upset that the anxiety is still here. But after all this writing so far, I think that what I haven't done today is respect this anxiety and allow it. Admit it to the person and let them be with me in this, instead of me trying to be "perfect" for their inspection. What I haven't done is accepting my feelings. When I felt stressed in the morning about it, I was unable to accept it, I have been trying to magically make it disappear by avoiding it. I have been pushing it away and disrespecting my emotions and my past experience. 

I'm feeling better now. I accept it, I have some anxiety issues and I will let the person know. But I'm not a bad person because I have anxious thoughts. I am me and in different moods I feel and behave differently as all people. I shouldn't try to act like I'm more "recovered" than I am, it hurts me much more and it takes everything from me to keep up that front. When I don't feel okay it shows. I don't know why I closed my heart to the person and didn't want to tell them that I felt this way but I think it's cause I don't want to let them know I'm still not done recovering. I don't want to be this disappointing person. But maybe it's this step of acceptance that is necessary to real healing. I can't resolve these self fulfilled anxious feelings (I get anxious that I will be anxious) if I am denying dealing with them. I've spent a few hours avoiding them. I've been keeping up this front. But I thought of doing something different, writing about it here. I thought it might help me. Because my thoughts are not in order ever. And I now recognize that my practice of hiding and avoiding my anxiety is a big obstacle to real connection and feeling good with the people you love. Even if I've not spoken to the person yet, I feel much better after one more wall of text. I need to admit my weaknesses, accept them and work on them, not avoiding them. Maybe it's ego, or self protection, or thinking I don't deserve happiness and I'm subconsciously sabotaging myself. But as I work with my feelings, I try to respect whoever I am, and care for me, and love me. And in a way I'm grateful for having these feelings because they force me to deal with these things. 

Edited by fawn_xoxo
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On 6/27/2019 at 4:27 AM, fawn_xoxo said:

I realize that the environment we are in also plays a role. Some people will react to my bad emotional state one way, others in another way. And as a reaction, I might feel better or worse about it. Some people are just better at dealing with people's feelings than others, but I need to recognize that I owe it to no one to feel or be a certain way, no matter if my state affects them. If I get sad because feeling bad makes other people feel bad, then it's obviously not a good dynamic. When I feel bad, the type of person I need around me is a strong person who can show me the positive way forward, show me that I can turn the page, but still allow me to feel how I feel and go through those feelings (of mourning, in a way) on my own time and pace. If I make people sad by being sad, then I guess I should put some distance between them and me? So that they don't feel sad, and so that I don't feel worse than I already did. Which is hard when you love people and care about them, but I need to remember these strategies, else my emotional state becomes worse, and so does that of other people. I am still learning strategies like these, really. 

This is probably a big factor in our development and our recovery from addiction. How many of us can honestly say that we have a supportive family or supportive friends who are willing to give us strength while we improve ourselves? I'd wager not too many. The unfortunate caveat of having been addicted to video games is that those closest to us likely saw us devolving into addiction and allowed us to do so. This means they probably don't realize the severity of our addiction or how badly we want to make ourselves better and they aren't going to support us because of it. 

I'm glad you've come to this community, Fawn. I hope you find some of the support you desire through our posts and replies. If we cannot find people in our lives that, to use your words,  are strong and who can show us the positive way forward, perhaps we're duty bound to become those people ourselves. It's a struggle, no doubt about it, but I think it's a struggle we have a responsibility to endure if we want to help people like us. 

Edited by cammyhammy
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Day 240.                          No games for 211 days, day 35 +previous total of 176.

I definitely feel dependent on people. The moment I am uncertain about what they feel around me, I start feeling very insecure about myself. Have I done something wrong? Have I upset them? Why are they behaving like this right now? I am writing it down as a reminder, a way to tell myself seriously that this is part of my problematic attachment issues with some loved ones. I might be fine, carefree, happy and content in the moment, then I see someone else change mood and I feel responsible for it. I notice that I tend to absorb some people's emotions sometimes. I also plainly put don't know how to react to some behaviors that don't have to do with me. I don't know how to respond, I can say. But I'm writing this down to remind myself that I am only responsible for my behavior, my actions and if I do something to someone to upset them, they will or should tell me so I can resolve it. My focus should always be on me, everyone else is responsible for their life. Slowly I am putting one brick over the previous one in this foundation of proper priorities in my life, putting my own well being first and then caring for others. I want to love me first.

Edited by fawn_xoxo
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Day 241.                          No games for 212 days, day 36 +previous total of 176.

I am different. Family comes over and I change. I want to please everyone and I become a person without will, without spark. It's even obvious from my writing. I feel concerned. I don't want to lose anyone, but it feels like I need to put distance between them and me for me to be me. Their presence acts like a magnet, but I become dependent and really not me. And I notice it too, which I didn't when I gamed. I'm not happy to realize these personal issues of mine to the degree I do, but they are what they are.

Sometimes I feel rejected by loved ones. Sometimes I don't know what to do around them. I don't feel comfortable or like myself. They've known me for a different person, an isolated one for sure, but now I am needing more things in my life and I feel hesitant to even show myself to them. The occasion itself stressed me out as I wrote on Sunday, and Monday has been a challenge as well. Now it's Tuesday and it feels like life was easier without them. But I don't want to just give up on this bond just because it's difficult to feel alright right now. I know that I am the one with the insecurities and nobody else can fix those in me. It feels like my progress halted just because of the arrival of family. This is not how things should be. I worry, can this even get better? If I do the things I would do without them present, will the relationship remain intact? I'm afraid of change. All these years I've known this situation to be one way and now I'm changing, so it makes sense that it will change as a result too. But I'm afraid of that. I'm afraid of conflict. I feel the need for their approval all the more now that we share the same rooms, and being me is harder when I know they're not like me, they'll disagree, even if that won't change the fact they love me. Or am I afraid that it will? I'm scared of losing people I love. At the same time it feels impossible to go back to being a suppressed me again. I'm not willing to stay a loner in my house to play games again. I now have something of a social circle that I'm building, goals and everything. I feel like when I write all these worries, that it's the only way for me to actually start getting closer to acceptance. Because I don't want to accept that changes will come from other people as I change. I'm afraid and that means I need to be brave in order to face these things. I feel concerned and defeated, just because I have a hard time coping with all this. As this is the last day I'll spend with family, I feel so discouraged by all my thoughts regarding the situation as I lie in bed. The day is ahead of me yet my emotional state makes it hard for me to think positively about how it will unfold. I am creating self fulfilled prophecies like this though. How can I say I am trying to make this work if I don't do my part and be brave? 

I feel so desperate for a solution to this but at the same time I know things don't magically become how you want them. I also feel that I'm not the only person who should be actively trying to fix this, but I am. But if I am alone in this battle against my insecurities, will I want people who didn't help me in my life when I'm in a better place? Maybe my gut feeling is telling me that. That one way or another I'll have to lose some people. And I don't want to accept that possible scenario, I don't even want to think about it. These people have been my support for years. I feel dependent on them, I haven't really grown into an adult it feels like, cause otherwise I'd be independent from them to some degree. And I have a difficult time accepting what that looks like in comparison to how my life has been so far.

In moments like this, I lose hope. But should I be so hopeless? I'm unsure if it's emotion taking over me, all this free time because of the occasion that's giving me long hours to just think, or just my gut knowing that it will not go well in the end? Can this be? For years and through addiction my family didn't give up on me. I was a shell of a person and they still were there for me. Maybe in my overwhelming anxiety about the future I don't give them enough credit. I don't want to be unfair to anyone. 

Edited by fawn_xoxo
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It's absolutely okay to be a wreck and, trust me, when you are feeling that way it's so comfortable to just stay in that negativity mindset. It almost feels good to be that way when something hits us so emotionally hard. The important thing to do is to stick to the people that can support you through this right now and, for the long haul, work on those relationships. Based on how much you wrote about this, it is evident you care and I'm definitely a believer in not doing what modern society says and trying to make things work. Realizing that just because there are problems doesn't mean something can never work. It just means a problem needs fixed.

Ultimately, despite my advice or any other advice you might hear, you have to do what feels and is best for you as you see fit! Follow your path but realize you are not the only person in the world that feels the way you do or is going through what you are. We are all going through a path in our own unique way, but there are lots of similarities in these paths.

You got this!

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@BrassWolf Thank you so much for reading, for responding. Also thank you for the beliefs you have in fixing things and making them work. I am going to follow this with a long post about my conclusions after today, but I'll edit it after I brb rq. Just wanted to post something and start, not postpone it.

After some good talks and a lot of tears I concluded to some not very good things about me. There are things that I take personally when there is no reason for me to. There are people I have too high demands from when I have not done the same for them. I have not shown empathy or regard for other people's feelings in the past, especially while I was addicted, and I still continue looking only at my perspective in things, at least at first. I tend to exaggerate when I am emotional. And I can get emotional very easily, because any little thing can distress me, since I have low self esteem. I am selfish and I expect people to just magically know what I want and do it, without me saying anything. I feel like the victim, but the truth is that I do not speak my mind, I do not act like an adult should, I do not say what I want. Sometimes I don't know what I want, because I'm used to being this passive member of society, thanks to my addiction. 

My way of relating to other people is wrong. I do not share my concerns with them when I feel them. I wait and wait, playing the waiting game, waiting and expecting them to say something, figure out that something is off, initiate the conversation, whereas it's me who's got the issue (reasonable or not). When I don't get that reaction I get upset, I feel ignored, I feel rejected. Without communication, I am setting up myself for that. It's not like I give them a chance in the first place either. I tend to not want to say how I feel when I feel bad. I don't want to be vulnerable and appear weak. Feelings = weak? I also wonder if my attachment style is stressful in some way, it's a term I found online, about attaching to people around you unhealthily, without balance. 

All these things need fixing. I firstly have to start practicing getting into other people's shoes and understanding what their life is like. I shouldn't demand they behave like I behave. I should also be careful with whether I burden them with something or not. People are not mules for me to unload my emotions onto in hopes I feel better. I have journal for that. I don't like seeming like this person who only opens their mouth to say something bad. If I love these people, why do I not open myself up and reach out to them when things are alright? Some people in my life have said to me that I could subconsciously be using negative things as a way to get their attention. As if I don't know how to stay connected when things are alright. 

I want to put a stop to all that. I feel like I have wasted so much time in front of a computer screen chasing after fake goals, sacrificing the most important years of my self growth and development as a person. My first instinct is to blame it on people around me, but in the end I realize that it starts with me. I feel bad for my heavy emotions. I don't want to let my mind sail away on negativity like that. I need to use logic and reason more, when something starts nagging at me, that I was somehow mistreated or rejected or neglected. I should also not let those thoughts and emotions linger. I should face them directly when they come, immediately, and if there is a person involved I should also admit the process to them. Say it out loud so that I acknowledge the steps I am taking to re-wire my perspective on things.

I need to be an adult who says what they like and what they don't like, says when they're happy and when they're sad with something. It's a lot to fix and I am very selfish, in that I don't like the fact that I have all these social flaws to fix. I have been giving the right advice to people for a long time, but how is it that I never realized I was not putting it to use when it came to the people closest to me? It's easy to keep your boundaries and limits and respect all that when you're just dealing with strangers. It's another thing to do that with people you respect and admire and love. It's hard to adjust situations and change your expectations.

 I should focus on practicing some virtues that I don't possess right now. Being humble, being kind, being forgiving, being empathetic. Asking myself if what I have just started getting upset over is something that makes sense. I need to work on developing myself to the point that I feel self-confident and whole on my own. And I need to find ways to spend time with the people I love without saying something negative. Maybe I should also practice not saying anything if I don't have anything good to say.

Writing this here is incredibly vulnerable and open, admitting all these flaws. But I want to get better, I don't want to hide these conclusions somewhere and forget about them. I don't want to hurt the people I love and I don't want to hurt myself either anymore. I want to get better with all the power of my being. I want to be free of pettiness, clinginess, neediness. I want to feel free to give love without feeling afraid I'll never get it back. I want to learn to love people the right way.

I feel like having some important reminders in my posts from now on will help. So here goes.

Instead of seeing flaws in others, ask what you can improve in yourself first.  - Humility
If you have nothing good to say, say nothing. - Kindness, battling negativity
Put yourself in other people's shoes for a few minutes each day. - Compassion
Treat others how you want to be treated. - Kindness, fairness, compassion
Start a conversation with someone you love to speak of something you like. - Positivity, healthy relationships
You are responsible and nobody is coming to the rescue. - Maturity, self esteem

Caring about others, running the risk of feeling, and leaving an impact on people, brings happiness.  - Harold Kushner
Love isn't love until you give it away.  - John H. MacDonald Jr. 1992
Negativity is cannibalistic. The more you feed it, the bigger and stronger it grows.     Bobby Darnell
There are some people who always seem angry and continuously look for conflict. Walk away; the battle they are fighting isn't with you, it is with themselves. Unknown

Love yourself. Enough to take the actions required for your happiness. Enough to cut yourself loose from the drama-filled past. Enough to set a high standard for relationships. Enough to feed your mind and body in a healthy manner. Enough to forgive yourself. Enough to move on.  Steve Maraboli

Spend time understanding who you are, after all the only person you're ever going to truly live with is yourself.

Edited by fawn_xoxo
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Sometimes reading your journal, especially this latest post, reminds me of myself. I know the answers too, but sometimes (maybe even often) fail to live out those answers. I communicate better in a private journal and a semi-public forum here but fail sometimes to identify what is I want. It's incredibly challenging to start figuring out your own emotional self, especially when gaming and finding ways to walk away from situations left us without the tools to do it easily in our adult lives.

However! You realized this in your journal, that these are skills than we can grow in. The path to our destination will result in failures, but it is important to, like you did, accept those flaws and be willing to overcome them, to build our character. We are the adults and it is our ability and POWER to give something to the world around us.
 

Proud of you for being so vulnerable, @fawn_xoxo You can do this! Never give up and always get back on your feet!

 

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