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Sarma

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About Sarma

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  • Birthday 08/02/2000

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  1. Day 16 - Panic and anxiety First of all, I want to wish you all a happy new year. I hope you all quit gaming and achieving your biggest dreams in life. It's been 16 days already, crazy. The past few days have been kind of a blurr to be honest with you. I was lacking sleep everyday and went through the last week like a zombie. That's the main reason I wasn't posting anything. So for the sake of clarity I'm just gonna talk about the past 2-3 days. So I smoke cigarettes, and have been smoking for over a month now. I smoke a pack or a pack and 1/2 per day. I used to smoke waaay before, but i quit because i got sick of it. I'm starting to get sick of it again and i think it's time to quit for good. To be honest I just do it out of habit, not even for the fun of it no more. Recently I noticed I started to give me anxiety, and not the kind of tolerable anxiety. Last night I went to a friends house to celebrate the New Year. It wasn't anything special, and I'd like if i went to a club instead. I'm getting really tired of my friend group. There's a few people I vibe with, but for the most part that group is pretty boring and uninteresting. Sadly I'm an introvert and it's hard for me to interact with people I don't know. But, I must, and i will meet new people in the coming weeks. While I was there I had an anxiety attack, so I took a lorazepam (same as xanax). Things calmed down and I managed to survive the night. I'd say my biggest success that night was posting an instagram picture for the first time, hahahahaha. Yeah, sad i know. Nontheless I count that as an achievement. I wish you all a wonderful rest of the day and a wonderful 2020 !
  2. Day 8 - Sleep, movies and social life I don't have much to talk about. The past couple of days I've just been sleeping. Work has been so draining and the lack of sleep doesn't help either. I've become kind of a fanatic for james bond films. I'm gonna watch them as much as possible. I want to hang out with friends more. But since I live far away from the city and work near my town, It's hard to see them even for half an hour. Maybe it's just withdrawal symptoms. I guess my body is adjusting to living in reality. Have a wonderful day guys !
  3. Day 6 - Things were relatively ok today I spent my time today listening to music, watching james bond movies and going out with friends. I had an anxiety attack about my fears for my health. I talked it over the phone with one of my best friends. He cheered up a bit and said we should hang out later that night. A couple more friends came and I had a fun time, just being out of the house. What helped a lot with my anxiety was watching james bond. I'm quite interested in male to female relations and those movies give me a great view as to how to treat a women. I also took some xanax and that helped a lot as well. My fear is not the illness itself, but what I will lose. I want to live life to the fullest but my fears are scaring me too much. I am building confidence a bit everyday, and i know shit's gonna be better soon. Goals: Work on social interactions as much as possible, especially with females Study to apply for university Get a job as a copywriter Learn something new everyday. Have a wonderful day!
  4. @Vidar All my life in have payed special attention to my health. I always strive to eat healthy, exercise, reduce stress, etc. What I do have a problem with is overthinking too much, hence wjy i got psychosis now. I agree, gaming feels like it reduces my psychosis symptoms. But I'm sure I can find a more healthier habit than gaming, to manage my psychosis. I feel like also gaming is one of the reasons i have psychosis in the first place. I don't know, only time will tell. Gl with your progress, you seem to be making slow but steady progress to a better life.
  5. Day 5 - Tired of being shy, psychiatrist diagnosis First off, I'll start with what happened yesterday My doctor diagnosed me with psychosis, but it's not what you think. I don't have all the symptoms. Currently I only have disorganized thinking. I'm kind of sad about it, but also relieved. I finally know what's going on inside my head. I was prescribed some some medicine, which i need to drink everynight. Yesterday and today I haven't felt a change taking it. But I hope to see a difference in the near future. I'm fine with having psychosis. I just fear it won't turn into something worse. My doctor fears this happening, hence she gave me the medicine. Did I cause myself this? Was this avoidable? Am i just incapable of growing as a person? Am i just forever stuck in my head? I simply just don't have an answer anymore. Fuck man. Anyways, let's go to the next topic. I'm trying to grow socially as my main goal. Although i see slight improvement from time to time, I still don't think im trying enough. I don't know what's with that. I don' t know how to try? Everything just seems so draining to focus on and do. Can I just go one day, and feel like I actually made an improvement on my life. Aaah, Why am I like this, why is this life thing so hard for me. Is this just a withdrawal symptom, am i overthinking this? What do you guys think about this, please let me know your thoughts As always have a wonderful day!
  6. @DaBest Thank you so much. Only now do I realize how much i've changed in the past few months.
  7. Day 1 - Feeling stronger than ever Hello again, I'm back. Although i relapsed I wouldn't say my life was shitty during it. While gaming I managed to go to work consistently, go to the gym and go clubbing on the weekends. The reason I'm getting back on the grind is because I relapsed to porn as well. Before, I was on a 5 month streak(I know crazy). A week ago I was feeling pretty bad about myself and thought, hey why not watch porn. Idiot. So, anyways I've started to think negatively about myself again. I've fallen into a great depression. To be honest with you, I forgot how shitty this feels. My life has been going so well before that. I just can't let myself feel this way anymore. So, I'm back on the grind again. I'm doing this mainly bcs of porn addiction. But gaming is a close second. Porn, because it makes me feel bad about myself. Gaming, because I can spend my time much more productively and can accomplish sooooo much if I quit. Let me tell you guys about my social life. Damn, I've never felt this social ever. I've been going out consistently on the weekends, mainly to clubs. And IM ENJOYING IT. My friends always put me in a good mood and if there's some good music playing, i feel even better. What's happening with girls? Nothing much yet. I've been feeling so confident lately with my friends, I wouldn't be surprised If i start pulling girls soon. Oh yeah, remember that copywriting course I went to? I finished it (*self aplause*). I'm super happy I managed to finish it and I started to look for jobs online. What I Improved on the past 2 months: -social skills -confidence -positive thinking -consistency -not ovethinking -physically healthy So, how was I such an idiot to relapse when everything is blooming around me? I don't know, once a dumb fuck, always a dumb fuck. As always I'll try to write everyday here. How are your detoxes going lads? Please write, I'd like to see what's new. As always, have a wonderful day!
  8. Day 11 - Really fucking sad I don't want to do copywritting anymore. I just can't find the energy to do it. I just want to go to university. Get a degree and fuck all of this. I fucked up. I should've went to university the first time. Now I'm going to waste a whole year doing nothing,fucking around. Fucking great man. I have no goal now. All I have is work everyday, without purpose. Just nothing. I hate my decisions, I fucked up. I'm sorry to my family, friends and you guys here. I've let you all down again. Sorry for giving up. I guess I'll always be a failure. Sorry Mom, Dad, brother, sister, and other close family. Sorry Andrej, Raseta, Mina, Zeljko... letdown. I'm grateful for what I have now. And I'll never complain about not having something ever again. Because you can lose it all in a moment. Sorry, again. See you tomorrow forum. Have a wonderful day everyone. Savor every moment.
  9. Day 8 - Relaxing Ok, my mental breakdown has subsided ever since my last post. I've just been chilling. Trying to avoid stress as much as possible. I feel a lot more rational now and ready for new fights. For the past couple of days I've been thinking of going to university next year. I think I'm gonna do it. It's not a definitive thought yet, but we will see. About my relationship with my girlfriend. I don't know where it's going. I don't know if it'll last, and frankly I don't care. If it works, it works. Gonna make a to-do list for tomorrow. Gonna work out, work on my copywritting, hang out with friends/girlfriend. I'm starting a new job on monday and I'm hoping that'll give me some much needed stability. Shit has been so hectic the past week, I just need something stable. I've been watching gaming streams today and yesterday. I don't think it matters too much. I have a goal of quitting games and that's going to come over time. I can't instantly stop doing everything gaming related. It was the only way of life I knew. Like with porn, I'm probably gonna keep watching videos, until at some point I lose interest. Overall looking at it now, I'm excited for what's to come. I feel refreshed and ready for it. I'll make a to-do list for tomorrow and gonna go to sleep. I'll write more tomorrow. Have a wonderful day! Bye!
  10. Day 6 - Sad, sad, sad I hate my job. My relationships are failing. I hate life. Give me some xanax and just put me in eternal sleep. I don't want to be productive. I don't want to do anything. I just want freedom and peace of mind. I don't want anything else. No emotions. No stress. No love. No happiness. All I want is nothing. What if I died today? Would anyone care long enough to remember me? Would anyone stop to remember me 10 years from now, if i died? I doubt it. Because I wouldn't be a good enough memory. I'm worthless. Why can't I form a lasting relationship with someone? Why is everything so shitty. Why did shit go good for me 3 weeks ago, to just all come crashing down again. Why can't there be something consistent. I have so many people that I think care about me, yet I feel like the loneliest person on the planet. Am I this worthless? Was I ever worth it to begin with? I bleached my hair. I'm fucking orange now. Probably gonna dye it pink soon. I don't care. I want everyone to see how big of a freak I am. "Oh look at that idiot, faggot with pink hair". Yeah that's exactly what I want. I want my friends to hate me. I want them to not want to see me ever again. I want to be completely alone, mentally and physically. Just no more feelings. No more nothing. Probably gonna take some pills and go to sleep now. Gonna spend tomorrow drinking all day. I'm gonna buy me some whiskey and wine, plus cigars. Coupled with some sad, nostalgic music, the perfect formula for a "life is shit day". Then when saturday rolls around, I'm gonna go back to my shitty life, my shitty job, and just gonna be anxious as fuck. "I got a feeling that im not gonna be here for next yearSo lets laugh a little before im goneI've been dreaming of this shit for awhile nowGot me high nowShe dont love me but shes singing my songOh noI dont feel much painGot a knife in my back and a bullet in my brainI'm clinically insaneWalking home alone I see faces in the rain" I hope I die soon. Because, I don't know how to kill myself. I'm gonna start taking antidepressants in the next couple of days. Fuck this shitty shit. Have a nice fucking day. Bye.
  11. Day 5 - Life is life 20191009_235749[1] (online-audio-converter.com).ogg
  12. Day 3 - Day to day life, and overthinking At the bottom theres an audio file Day 3.ogg
  13. Day 2 - ANXIETY Today has been so hard. So much emotion. I'm overthinking everything. My girlfriend was joking today, that we shouldn't see each other ever again(lacks context). I took it personally and now I think we are breaking up. FUCK. WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY HEAD. Took two benzodiazepines today. And still feel anxious as fuck. I just want to zone out do something, play video gams. I can't, I feel so much emotion right now and I cant take it. Get me out of this rut. I want to live life. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck I need to work, i need to exercise, i want to kiss my girlfriend. FUCK, I CAN'T DO ANYTHING OF THAT. WHY IS THIS DAY SO HARD. WHY AM I SO EMOTIONAL. Just fucking shut my brain down. I cannot listen to it anymore. https://youtu.be/XKQa1vx-oNY https://youtu.be/lO00yy8iCAY Have a nice day.
  14. Day 1 - Back on track, thoughts and goals Talked with a friend last night about how annoyed i was. Felt pretty relaxed after the talk. And I've been in a good mood all day today. Now that I think about it, I think the relapse had to happen. I had to figure out exactly why and for how long I was quitting games. I know now, and I'm quitting forever. I have nothing left to learn in video games. I'm closing this chapter for good. Now that I got that out of the way, I want to make everyday a new opportunity to learn. Another problem I have is that I tend to mindlessly browse the internet when I have some spare time. So yeah that's an addiction on its own. I'm gonna plan everyday again from now on (stopped planning for weeks). I'm not going to pressure myself to be productive every single moment. But I will set atleast 3 goals to do everyday. Whether that be reading a few pages of a book, learning/writting copy, social skills or whatever other skill. I have people I care about and they care about me. Having a girlfriend has been an eye opening experience. I have someone to care about, and thus I care for my friends and family more as well. I finally feel emotion that was lacking from my life for the longest time. Today I went to my second class of copywritting. I feel really happy after it. I never knew how much power words can have over a person. I also got a lot of commendations from my class mates. Today's events really raised my confidence levels, and I'm thinking more positive. My self-worth is better. What I really want to start is writting gratitude. I want to train my brain to think in a positive way. And I hope I can do that with gratitude. Today is the 102nd day without porn. It feels insane that I made it this far. My confidence has sky rocketted, i don't feel as shy no more, I feel more emotion (more human). The world just overall feels more liveable. I'm out of my comfort zone and It feels amazing! Wherever you are in life, it's never late to start. There's a whole different world out there ready to be explored. And i recommend you start exploring sooner than later. The only thing we don't have an abundance of is time. Time can never be retrieved, so use it wisely to live the best life possible. Enjoy your life people. And as always, Have a wonderful day!
  15. Day 0 - Fucking video games Relapsed again a couple of days ago. I felt stressed out. Everyone left for university on October 1st and i've been feeling bad about it ever since. I FEEL EVEN MORE ANXIOUS THAT I WAS NOT PLAYING FUCK MAN. Fuck video games. I have a beautiful girlifriend, I'm learning a useful skill and my life has been better than ever before. WHY DO I CARE IF MY FRIENDS ARE GOING TO UNIVERSITY. I DON'T WANT THAT SHIT. WHY DO I LET MY EMOTIONS GET THE BETTER OF ME. I quit porn. I haven't had cravings for it in a while. Why are video games so hard for me? The only time I get a craving is when I'm stressed out. I just want to fucking zone out and not think about anything. From now on, im going to write journals everyday again. I'm gonna get this shit out of my system. I'll have a healthier way of dealing with stress. I'm done feeling like a child and throwing tantrums, because of fucking video games. I want to live life. Unhindered by this bullshit. I hate my fucking brain. Fucking get this shit out of your head. From now on everyday you wake up, you have one goal: Be a better person than yesterday. Read, learn, improve social skills. Whatever the fuck it is, just be productive. Fuck video games, it's worse than weed and you should quit it. You're life will improve forever. Fuck fuck fuck. YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH. YOU CAN DO THIS AND BECOME WHO YOU WANT TO BE. YOU'RE NOT ANXIOUS. YOU'RE STRONG AND WILL BECOME AN AMAZING PERSON ONE DAY. Fuck you video games you ruined my fucking life. And now I'm gonna take it back. FARE FUCKING WELL.
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