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fawn_xoxo

Fawn_xoxo daily; thoughts, goals & evaluation

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Day 242.                          No games for 213 days, day 37 +previous total of 176.

I started the day with phobias, stress and anxiety. Then I used the Socratic method in private to figure out what I feel and fear and where the truth is. I needed this and I'm doing good now after that. It's sadly obvious to me that I have not been using logic much, that's why I suffer from negative emotions about myself. I find things to be dissatisfied with, in myself and others, but I don't test them against reality and logic. So this is something I need to do asap when I get a negative thought that wants to spiral out of control. I want to be humble and look at my own shortcomings first, too. It seems I've messed up a lot, more than I thought when I started the detox. 

I've done some dietary sins lately and got weak will when it came to eating with family. I ate what others ate most of the time and that included sweets and some FOMO about it. Today onwards I will avoid sodas again at home, when I go out I can't avoid sugar in products though. I'm going out with old friends this morning too. Socializing with people who are distant from me helps me see who I am when you leave me alone, away from influence of loved ones. I love deeply but in an unhealthy way and I want to fix that. I want to be a nice person to be around and be close to, not a needy, clingy one. 

Instead of seeing flaws in others, ask what you can improve in yourself first.  - Humility
If you have nothing good to say, say nothing. - Kindness, battling negativity
Put yourself in other people's shoes for a few minutes each day. - Compassion
Treat others how you want to be treated. - Kindness, fairness, compassion
Start a conversation with someone you love to speak of something you like. - Positivity, healthy relationships
You are responsible and nobody is coming to the rescue. - Maturity, self esteem

Logic saves your sanity, so use it every day - me

Caring about others, running the risk of feeling, and leaving an impact on people, brings happiness.  - Harold Kushner
Love isn't love until you give it away.  - John H. MacDonald Jr. 1992
Negativity is cannibalistic. The more you feed it, the bigger and stronger it grows.     Bobby Darnell
There are some people who always seem angry and continuously look for conflict. Walk away; the battle they are fighting isn't with you, it is with themselves. Unknown

Love yourself. Enough to take the actions required for your happiness. Enough to cut yourself loose from the drama-filled past. Enough to set a high standard for relationships. Enough to feed your mind and body in a healthy manner. Enough to forgive yourself. Enough to move on.  Steve Maraboli

Spend time understanding who you are, after all the only person you're ever going to truly live with is yourself.

Edited by fawn_xoxo
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Hey @fawn_xoxo

I just wanna say you seem very stressed out. 

Have you thought of going on a trip somewhere for a couple of days. 

I had doubts, but as I said in my journal going on a trip/vacation really helps. 

The mind needs rest sometimes even from our everday habits. 

Maybe you're a bit too strict with yourself? 

I feel like you don't give yourself any enjoyment. 

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Thank you so much @Sarma for reading. How would you suggest I went on a trip? Alone? With family (even though those partially trigger negative events that make me thoughtful to say the least)? 

Why do you say I'm too strict on myself? I would also like to hear more about this opinion you gathered.

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@fawn_xoxo

I recommend you go on a trip alone. Because I think you'll learn more. 

But if that sounds too difficult invite friends.

I don't think it's worth to go with family on a trip, it just isn't effective. 

 

What I meant by being strict is that you seem to strive to be a perfectionist. 

The thing is we humans can't become perfect and that's why it's an unhealthy habit. 

It will just cause you stress and anxiety. 

So what I mean is, i feel like you're trying to live a "perfect" life. 

You need some wiggle room, put in effort but also relax, you get me? 

For an example:

Jeff Bezos sets only 3 goals for each day and if he completes them then he can do whatever he wants. 

Try and find a balance between effort and relaxation. 

Also I feel like you overthink stuff too much, I feel like you need to put in a bit more action and less thinking. 

So TL;DR relax

 

Edited by Sarma
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Day 243.                          No games for 214 days, day 38 +previous total of 176.

I am taking a little break from online journaling just like I did earlier in spring with my negativity detox. I'll try it again and won't be here cause it might just be a habit of mine to remind myself of how broken I am as a person, a trigger of sorts. Best of wishes to everyone who's following my journal, I'll be back. Thanks for everything so far.

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Instead of seeing flaws in others, ask what you can improve in yourself first.  - Humility
If you have nothing good to say, say nothing. - Kindness, battling negativity
Put yourself in other people's shoes for a few minutes each day. - Compassion
Treat others how you want to be treated. - Kindness, fairness, compassion
Start a conversation with someone you love to speak of something you like. - Positivity, healthy relationships
You are responsible and nobody is coming to the rescue. - Maturity, self esteem

Logic saves your sanity, so use it every day - me

Caring about others, running the risk of feeling, and leaving an impact on people, brings happiness.  - Harold Kushner
Love isn't love until you give it away.  - John H. MacDonald Jr. 1992
Negativity is cannibalistic. The more you feed it, the bigger and stronger it grows.     Bobby Darnell
There are some people who always seem angry and continuously look for conflict. Walk away; the battle they are fighting isn't with you, it is with themselves. Unknown

Love yourself. Enough to take the actions required for your happiness. Enough to cut yourself loose from the drama-filled past. Enough to set a high standard for relationships. Enough to feed your mind and body in a healthy manner. Enough to forgive yourself. Enough to move on.  Steve Maraboli

Spend time understanding who you are, after all the only person you're ever going to truly live with is yourself.

 

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On 7/30/2019 at 6:03 AM, fawn_xoxo said:

will I want people who didn't help me in my life when I'm in a better place? Maybe my gut feeling is telling me that. That one way or another I'll have to lose some people. And I don't want to accept that possible scenario, I don't even want to think about it. These people have been my support for years. I feel dependent on them, I haven't really grown into an adult it feels like, cause otherwise I'd be independent from them to some degree. And I have a difficult time accepting what that looks like in comparison to how my life has been so far.

I am realizing early in my early 20s that some people come and some go and not only because they or you change places. Maybe you give them a chance or two, but then you realize there is about 7 billion other people you could click with too after a few hours of conversation.

Regarding family in this, chances are if you are honest with them, they will see your point and help you out and connect. My mom was shocked to know she raised an addict too, likely somewhere on the level I was shocked there was a huge part of hate in my love towards my ex. 

On 7/30/2019 at 6:03 PM, fawn_xoxo said:

I also wonder if my attachment style is stressful in some way, it's a term I found online, about attaching to people around you unhealthily, without balance. 

https://yourpersonality.net/attachment/index.php

Is it this site you refer to?

On 7/30/2019 at 6:03 PM, fawn_xoxo said:

 

I need to be an adult who says what they like and what they don't like, says when they're happy and when they're sad with something.

Same here, I think I am starting to be good at this.

I had a clash at work recently, because I did something wrong and they decided to ignore it, so instead they built up resentment and doubt. When I called them out on doing something wrong, they would get defensive, bring up the (unrelated) past issue into the (now) argument and talk all about how stupid were they for being so "forgiving" in the past.

My point is, mature people can stand honesty, admit they did something wrong and you do not have to worry about them exploding, because they are responsible for their feelings and will not get mad regardless of whether that thing they did was wrong or actually right and misunderstood.

Again, I know I want to do this, but I am not sure how much I act it out.

Enjoy your break 🙂

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Day 280.                          No games for 280 days, day 104 +previous total of 176.

It's been a few weeks I've been thinking of updating you guys. Leaving this journal aside was a good choice and it has helped me. What has also done the most for me is to focus on doing things that are positive, because I feel like this journal has been one of many crutches I used to linger on the problem, and my problematic identity, and all around mourning and feeling sorry for myself. I am getting better at recognizing these tendencies in me with every passing week, and readjusting my course to actually aim for what I want from my life, and not what I don't want. 

I also wanted to say that this type of addiction and its consequences are real, and it takes a hell of a long time to recover fully. I'm doing so much better now, months later, and I still have way to go to feel like I know what I'm doing in my life.

I am thankful for all the insights and support I received here. I wanted to say that I'm still away from games and I will continue to be game-free. I'm still not going to be active here, but I wanted to stop by momentarily. 

I wish everyone here the best in their lives. Know that if you ask, you will find. That's how it's been for me so far at least. A couple more books I've dug into lately are Awaken the Giant Within by Tony Robbins and Self Compassion by Kristin Neff, I recommend them highly. They need to be read and practiced on of course, like all other books I've suggested in the past.

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