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info-gatherer

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  1. Day 0 I got a call from real life. My girlfriend is coming to see me tonight and she’s staying as much as she likes as a guest. We haven’t met since I left France on the 19th of June, so it’s been more than a month now. Anyway, I really don’t want videogames to interfere with my relationship, so from tomorrow (from now, actually) I’ll abstain again. It’s sad that I needed this external “help” to take this decision, as I didn’t have the will to do it myself. But, if everything goes as I imagine, I’m looking forward to a CRAZY august, a real summer experience like I had when I was a little child. First of all I decided we’ll move to my summer house (there’s no fast internet too!). And there I’ll introduce her to my old group of friends and to my sister’s friend and I’m sure they’ll get along well. We’ll spend our time wisely and I’m sure I won’t miss sitting all day in front of a screen. This is the dream, and it’s only up to our mind to make it true.
  2. Day 0 I translate this quote from italian (G. Carofiglio, La versione di Fenoglio): “Everyone, in some way, lies. Lies to others and lies to himself. Lies about his actions and about the real motives of those actions. There’s the ones that know it, the few, and those who don’t, the many. That’s the only difference”.
  3. Day 7 It’s late, ill keep it short and factual. Morning: went to the doctor. Got put in contact with two different psychologists. One of them (the most expensive, fml) specializes in addictions. I’ll meet him on friday. Afternoon: went to the seaside with a group of people that I can’t in all honesty call friends anymore. Got invited to a 2-days sleep-on-the-beach-and-dance thing on saturday but I declined. I’m at the point of telling very easily a missed opportunity from a perspective bad experience. I don’t have the energy to pretend to be happy with people whose presence doesn’t make me happy. I’ll keep seeing them, but just occasionally. When I’m with them I happen to feel more alone than when I’m alone. This makes me very sad. We used to be very close. And we used to admire and support each other. But now, I really feel we’re not in contact anymore. And up to an extent, who cares... If we met today for the first time we wouldn’t even want to talk to each other, because we’ve become so completely different! One of these friends, the only one who I like to call a friend, was very kind to me today. I’m grateful for it. But he’s distant too, he’s disconnected, he lives in another world... Late afternoon/evening: played in a chess tournament and did average. Met new people, they’re good acquaintances and I have a good time with them, but nothing more. They’re excellent social contact, but not friends material. Sorry for not answering your comments.
  4. Day 6 I drove two times and back to the fucking doctor and got rejected two times because the opening hours on the fucking website doesn’t match the fucking opening hours sticked with tape on the fucking door. I’m so angry at myself, for being this fucking inexperienced about life. What to do with this anger?
  5. One of the problems about gaming is that there’s a social component to it. It’s perfectly normal to feel those cravings after your quit, if you don’t get much social contact in your “real life”. I don’t know your situation well enough, maybe this does not apply to you. But if it is the case, if you feel lonely, then it’s easy to go back with the mind at those long days spent playing together with other people, feeling a contact with them, feeling part of something bigger, outside the restrict boundaries of the self. I think what you are feeling can be explained with the restricted application of a general principle, which is: when we game, the game slowly takes the place of our life. When we quit, we are forced to face that emptiness. If we got all our social stimulation inside of the game world, when we stop gaming we have to (we are forced to) realize that in our “real life” we don’t have that social stimulation. And when this thought becomes unbearable (because the more we stay far from games without improving our social situation, the more we crave for that easy social stimulation that games provided) we desire to go back to games. This comes just for my personal experience and personal thought, maybe it can resonate with you, if you think you’re in a similar position.
  6. I've been thinking about this for a while. I've always had a strong prejudice against motivational books, for different reasons that I won't uncover here for brevity. But I've been thinking... Maybe I should give them a try. Lately I am striving for guidance, and I now feel it'd be interesting to try and read one of these books. I googled "best motivational books" and I immediately picked one: "How to win friends and influence people". The title itself would have me puke one year ago. Win friends? Influence people? Are we talking about manipulation? I don't care, I'll read it and judge for myself, and I really hope to learn something useful.
  7. Day 5, still I didn't game, but I feel awful. Haven't felt this down in a while. I asked my mother if I can get therapy. I did already have 2 different psychologists in the past, and I still don't know if they ever helped me or not. Therapy never had a big effect on me, I guess? But I want to try again... May work this time... My mum suggested I go to collective therapy (like many people in a room all together I suppose?) which is the cheaper version. Actually I like the idea, even if it scares me a bit (am I supposed to talk about what I feel in front of everyone?). Tomorrow she's going to do the phone call for me. I hope we get at it soon, possibly tomorrow itself. Without my girlfriend's support today I'd maybe have gamed. I owe her a lot. She's really wonderful and I'm lucky to have her back me up. And I'm grateful to my family too for taking all the shit from me, burdening themselves with a part of my problems, helping me out. Some days you don't really see the light at the end of the tunnel, and you wonder, does the tunnel even have an end? isn't it the name we give to our life? Then comes the next day. I'm really looking forward to the next day.
  8. Day 5 I didn’t want to spend another full day with my parents so I stayed at home and I’ve been fighting all day with the urge to game. I watched a movie, didn’t even have lunch. I know for a fact that gaming is a huge problem in my life, so if I get this tempted despite the evidence of huge adverse effects it means I really don’t value my life much. I’ve been actively thinking how to get that social stimulation I need today and didn’t come up with anything. FUCK
  9. Day 4 Went to the seaside, after that I went playing padel and then at a pizzeria with my family. Spent the whole day with them. Did my gratitude and meditation. Not much to say, but this doesn’t mean it wasn’t a good day.
  10. It’s interesting you used the word “rituals” for the everyday routine. Sure, it’s just a way of speaking, but at the same time you made me think at the ponderate, almost sacred essence of the little things, the spirituality (another way of speaking) hidden in the little gestures of everyday life. The weight of existence (being there), which when we are depressed we see as a burden, is actually what can give depth to our life, opening a continuous epiphany. It’s what we call sensibility, and it may as well be the source of poetry. We probably can find this kind of meaning in the otherwise repetitive, immobile return of the always identical.
  11. Oh, also, my application to New York University was rejected but I got accepted for spring term 2020 to Oklahoma University, where I will hopefully be able to apply for a position as Italian teacher assistant. There’s an english test I need to take to go to the USA, so I better study a bit and take it on the 3rd of August (first available date). I think I mainly need to improve in 2 areas: listening, specifically songs (I never seem to be able to understand the lyrics) and grammar, which I mostly forgot after high school. I don’t feel like studyinnnnnnng. But I guess it’s not going to be difficult if I just put in a little effort.
  12. Hey fawn 🙂 Thanks for the comment. Where did our privilege bring us? In my opinion, the answer is clear: empty, unsubstantial lives. Lately I’ve been thinking about the true meaning of the formula “consumerist society”. Before I just thought it meant that we are just spoiled baddies who buy a lot of things we don’t need, thus wasting them, but it actually means that acquiring and consuming “things” (be it objects or, even more so today, entertainment) is the main goal of our lives. Productive work is not seen as a goal in itself, nor it is functional to survival, but it’s seen as a mean of buying and consuming more. What do we thing about, what do we dream? How’s our collective subconscious shaped? Working is a sort of an afterthought of our real self, which only manifests itself in our free time. More status symbols, more web series, more videogames, more “experiences” (fancy food, travel, special education, sport and so on). Or, why not, more spend all day on the sofa and let my parents pay for me. To be fair, since we live in an economic system that provides a virtually unlimited production capability but is unable to match it by an equally unlimited purchasing power (because the wealth gets polarized as a result of the current economic asset, but I’m unwillingly getting technical and/or political, let’s just say that the problem today is not producing, but selling, and thus the success of all the marketing sciences et cetera) we may say that a life dedicated to consummation is not some sort of moral vice (what you call lazyness) but, on the contrary, it’s what the current economic system asks of us to reproduce itself. In our times, it’s a virtue. This is why sporting a brand new iphone like the one I’m typing on atm or saying that I traveled as a tourist in many different countries, even if I didn’t work a single minute to earn all of that, increases my value in the eyes of the western society. I’m not being disfunctional, on the contrary, I’m being highly functional to the truest exigences of the contemporary world. Of course this leads to a shitty, empty, unfulfilled life (at least in my case: I know a lot of people that seem to be fine with that). I’ll stop this free running stream of consciousness that doesn’t really answer your comment anymore (if it ever did) and get to the journal of the day. Day 3 I’ll be short. Woke up late. Fine with it. Dedicated the whole afternoon to reading the Exodus book (from the Bible). I’ll maybe read more bible in the coming days (but I peeped at the next books and they don’t look very promising, and Exodus was far worse than Genesis already). 7 PM went running. My mother entered my room and asked me why I don’t go and meet some friends. Instead of saying I have no friends I said I don’t feel like it and while she was leaving I heard her murmuring “I don’t understand you, without friends I couldn’t live” so I screamed her to go and fuck herself which was not very caring and after we both apologised. I “had to” work at my electronic cigarettes maintenance in the evening, god, this is boring as hell, I should quit vaping as I quit smoking. Probably calling my gf before going to bed. Tomorrow I’ll go to the seaside with my family 🙂
  13. So... I slowly went back to gaming starting in April, I guess, with some games on mobile, and started playing seriously around the end of may. I’d game the whole day every day, but having litterally nothing to do (because before relapsing I was quite ahead in study/life) I guess I was able to stay “functional”. It’s not about gaming, I guess, my life itself is disfunctional to the point that I can waste a whole month 24/7 and don’t have much or any negative impact. From an emotional perspective tho, I really felt all the symptoms. Loss of interest in everything else, compulsive thoughts about gaming, numbed emotional response to social stimulation, difficulty to focus on everything else, social anxiety. Then around the 10th of June I “stopped gaming” and studied all day every day to pass an exam on the 24th. I succeeded but the day after I relapsed (“come on, it’s more than one month before the next exam! I can game now!”) and proceeded to game non-stop until 2 days ago. Result: I’m not passing my exam on the 30th, so I guess, to answer your question, that during my gaming period I was highly disfunctional, except for a very short time (which is in fact the two weeks I wasn’t gaming). This time I’m quitting and I want to go back to be functional. Not just not gaming, but building a functional life. And I’m not doing this for me only, but also for my loved ones, to spare them the sense of failure of seeing me as a suicidal zombie. I want to make them proud of me again and spend some quality time together. Sorry it’s a bit long... Day 2 This morning I went back to sleeping after waking up and having a shower. It takes some time to get sleep right after two dissolute months, so I don’t want to be hard on myself about it. I wrote my gratitude journal, which I’m going to do tomorrow too, and I spent the afternoon watching a movie I really enjoyed. Then in the evening I went to this tournament and talked with a lot of people, old acquaintances and new. I had a good time. Also the background music was very good. I ended up with 3 points out of 6, which makes my performance average, but I did my best and have nothing to regret. I dined at my uncle’s restaurant, which is located in the same town that hosted the event, and at midnight I drove back home. Again, I don’t want to be hard on myself for not being “productive”. Right now I don’t care: I want to be happy and put some meaning in my life, and I think today I took a small step in that direction.
  14. Weird matches here, lost the first two against players of my level or slightly higher and won the third with 5 seconds left on the clock against a much higher rated player. Three matches left, I need a clear head.
  15. Hey @JustTom thanks for the interest, tonight I’ll answer in detail 🙂 Just a quick update, I’m at a chess on the beach tournament right now, let’s go!
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