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BrassWolf

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  1. Days 32, 33, 34, and now 35 (5 weeks!) Starting with school definitely is the most challenging part of the year, and I noticed myself beginning a pattern in every beginning. While this beginning was simpler than others, I still found myself shaken to my core and searching for what my next job/degree, etc. would be. There wasn't anything overall challenging that day, but it definitely consumed me on the inside a bit. Definitely a reminder to speak to the people around you and not to keep things bottled up, even if it is just to get it in the open. In learning about the emotional self I am still working to prepare myself for what will happen in the work place. There is so much emotional baggage when it comes to teaching 300 elementary students. The bag gets more and more filled every year, especially noticeable as I began to go through my safety expectations with students and remind them that we have three men, myself included, who are either marines or have extensive training in defense and will not allow any bad people to harm them so their right to learn and enjoy school can be protected and is something that they don't need to worry. Their questions have certainly become more specific about "What Ifs" -- What if I'm out of the room? What if the bad guy uses me? -- All I can say is "Let me play the what if game. I need you to trust me on this." Then you also have a majority of students that are easy going but it is really challenging, even as an adult, to treat the challenging students the same. I still have emotions and still react internally, like knowing a student was talking about me behind my back. Really had to say no to the ego and think about how it is expected that not everyone will like you or be kind to you, there will be people (kids and adults alike) that betray our trust, and as the adult in the room it is my duty to show them a better way. From a human perspective, both of us being human, I am frustrated that a person would say things behind my back. But, the stoic self inside of me knows a few things. These kids, human, are still a fraction of my age. And even if an adult insulted me, that means I am doing something important and I have nothing to prove. I am going to enjoy the rest of the weekend and do non-work related things in the mean time! -Kris
  2. Thank you for the shoutout, @Tzen1 and I hope that your next plan will go well for you. When I received my first degree in music I was unable to teach and wound up being a substitute teacher for the first 5 years of my career. These were some of the most challenging, world-shaking years of my life. I believe that we each have several paths to take in our lives and that we can feel fulfilled in. I am looking forward to reading and hearing what your thoughts are along your current path and how it unfolds for you.
  3. Thank you man! Appreciate the compliments. Day 31 Today was the first day with students and it went extremely well. Again, I've really been focusing on creating (and helping to influence) the environment I want and to choose how I respond to the environment. I know what kinds of things to expect and, in some ways am pleasantly surprised, and in other ways know the students are capable of the positive outcomes and can ultimately do amazing things, so in a way, am not surprised (if that makes sense!) Definitely worked hard as I pushed my way to doing some Spanish learning and napped on the carpet at home for 20 minutes before powering through a work out and literally just relaxing and letting myself be tired. That's about all I have energy to write. Good day! -Kris
  4. Day 30 One-Third of the Journey COMPLETED!!! I knew the whole time that I would see the first month completed, and it has been an incredible month full of so many ups and downs, but I feel so much more prepared to deal with them in a constructive and positive way. I'm finally getting to develop the emotional intelligence I know I had been missing for so long, and it's wonderful. Today was the final day of preparation at work and it was busy. It started, however, with an amazing success in my cooking that I am going to post below! I finally made an omelette that 100% did not stick to the frying pan and tasted amazing too! Tomorrow will be the test for consistency! After that I geared up and completed not only my first motorcycle ride to work, but it was the first ride I was alone. It was a lovely ride. At work I definitely realized the potential that is unlocked by having an agenda with times. While I don't always stick to the timings exactly, it helps me stay focused and not fall into bad habits (like procrastination) and I got a ton done in the room ahead of the back to school night. I shocked everyone during the introductions by introducing myself in English and Spanish. My boss asked me how long I had been speaking and I said "It's incredible how much you can do when you quit playing video games!" My heart was absolutely pounding because I was stepping out of the comfort zone of my native language, but I knew I could do it so breathed, accepted that emotion, and did what I was going to do and it was absolutely fine. I felt today that I am beginning to become the welcoming positive teacher I want to be, which means I am becoming more in charge of my emotions and regulating them because that happens in my real life too. It's hard to put every little feeling I have in this post right now. I am more willing to accept that there are challenges all around me but if I am expecting them then it is almost as if I am giving them less power to derail or surprise me. In fact, I am planning on as many challenges as possible so I can continue to be the adult I want to be. Am I always succeeding at that? FUCK NO! But, when there's a victory, I am definitely going to celebrate it and more so celebrate the process that got me here and will get me beyond! Have a great night! -Kris
  5. Negative Self-Talk and the personal judge/bully is such a constant battle. Proud of you for stepping up to face them and come out the other end with a positive experience!
  6. Day 29 @Ikar That is awesome! I teach Music K-5 and run private lessons on the side for a wide age range. Today went pretty well overall. Began the day with some motorcycling around the neighborhood, really getting a feel for being on it and it was definitely a great day to be on. We watched a few episodes of Stranger Things 3 while eating lunch. After that we started to get busy with things around the house before engaging with dinner and some of our own projects. Of course, one of my own projects was doing a couple of things to get ready for tomorrow. Tomorrow will be the first full week and the first week with students. I feel a lot better about this upcoming year and really putting the Stoic philosophies as well as some new mindsets to work and becoming one step closer to the adult I want to be. I will, in some ways, miss having the building be just us adults but am honestly looking forward for the students to be there and bring the building to life. I listened to several people around me share anxieties about the upcoming year, and while that is always there, there are a few things I feel about it. 1) When did worrying add a year to your life? Or even an hour? I know right now that there will be challenges this year, but I am also not going to be surprised by them and know I can handle them. I will leave those challenges for when I need to face them. Right now, on this Sunday, I was spending time with my husband and that was what was important. 2) When it comes down to those challenging moments, all we have is our best efforts and our influence. If that isn't enough to create a desired outcome than it is out of our control. Even a desirable outcome is out of our control, since it all comes down to what other people (in my case 300 other people) are going to do with my input. I can do a lot to influence but, ultimately, these other 300 people are human beings and get to choose how they follow along, so why should I be worried? Have a great night. I look forward to putting these new beliefs to the test and working to have a much better year than last year! (Last year was hard but, again, I think dreaming of escaping to a career as a Super Smash Bros. player was a large part to blame, as well as the intense speedrunning before the school year began. This year already feels better without the regret of playing so many games during the summer). -Kris
  7. Day 28 There are people in life, both close and far away to you, that will be a vacuum aiming to suck the positive life force from you. It is important in these moments to remember that there are all kinds of people and that each type of person doesn't have to define humanity for you. When in close quarters with such a person, it is absolutely okay to empathize, especially when they are close to you. Realize that their view does not need to alter your view of life, especially if their's is an attitude of complaints and negativity. Acknowledge the negativity and let it flow through and away from you. Know your limits and figure out the ways to recharge yourself. For me, the negative person was a family member complaining about every thing and basically being anti-human. I was around this for a couple hours today and, when you are tired, that can definitely feel draining. So, what do I do to recharge? I surround myself with positive people so tonight a few friends and I went bowling and hung out until around midnight. This was a very recharging experience and it was great to be around the people I enjoy and make me feel great because they are so, in my opinion, balanced. Their positivity is tempered with reality but they are optimistic about the future, and it is such a useful view of life in my belief!
  8. Days 24, 25, 26, and 27 This has definitely been a transition week as a new school year begins. Realizing I need to do more planning to do up-keep on food and the home, but I'm thinking with good planning I can get there for this weekend and beyond. Not too much to say and am rather tired so will attempt a longer post for tomorrow. Hope all is well with everyone! -Kris
  9. Thank you for the compliment @Tzen1! I know doing something for yourself is important and feels good on its own, but it is nice to be appreciated. Days 22 and 23 I feel that I am able (and tend to) sleep in a lot more when my husband is home on his weekend (the last two days) and so we got a late start. On Sunday we went for a morning motorcycle ride and tried to get his motorcycle pants fixed by his mother (which will be a good fix for a few uses before they need to do something a little more time consuming). We went to lunch together and then our friend was going to come on over and play some board games with us. We played Sushi Go together which was pretty fun and then... this is the part of the journal where all of you are going to feel something... we played the Switch together for around an hour and a half before starting to make some home-made NYC style pizza. I am actually going to comment on this experience. It was interesting to notice how neutral I was to playing the games. They were enjoyable as far as they were part of something social with the three of us and it was a cooperative game so we were having conversations about how to do something better etc. We played another game where we were competing against each other and I was again neutral about it but it was interesting to notice how easy it is to hear comments from the others about how unfair something is etc and I'm sitting their being all "Well... I'm having fun even if I am in last place or first place in this race" This is the major thing for me - From turning on the console, seeing other games, actually doing something like this DURING the detox I still feel more willing to do all of the non-game things. It was used as a fun thing to do with a friend for a short part of his visit. It was enjoyable and not taken seriously. This is the big thing, I believe. I don't really feel the urge to find a game and become the best at it because I lost or didn't measure up. I didn't feel an urge to start up a stream. I reflected on that part of my life and said "Wow... I have already changed within these last 3 weeks." Due to my stubborn (or really determined) self, even knowing moderation might work in the long-term, I will continue to stick to this detox period. I am not going to play a game for myself and continue to focus on finding other ways to fulfill those four areas like I had been before that moment and like I have been doing after that moment. My husband finished his home-made pizzas for each of us and OH MY GOSH were they absolutely amazing. They were right on par, or even better, then one of the great NY style places in our area. He is going to play with the sauce and some other elements for the next time to try and improve it even more, which is awesome. After this we got some ice cream and watched the South Park Movie before our friend headed out and we got ready for bed. Today (Monday) we started our day by checking out the local County Fair (I had never been to one) but because it was during the day on a Monday, there wasn't much going on there. Not many things were opened and it wasn't much worth mentioning! We started to plan our evening motorcycle ride when we got home and ate lunch. We started to head into town during the middle of rush hour, and I've only been riding up to this point in desolate areas with minimal traffic. I KNOW I am capable of doing what we planned, but the number of people out there during the time and the fact that it began to rain got the better of me so I pulled us into a parking lot and we went home. My husband gave me some feedback which I already knew but it was good to hear out loud from an outsider and, 10 minutes later, decided to give our journey another shot and this time it was way more successful. I did attribute it to the fact that the sun was out and there were less cars, but the concept of "sticking to your training" really helps. When you are on a motorcycle, emotion can be extremely dangerous. It's important to accept what can and might happen before you go on a ride and then think of how you are going to handle it before hand. The training speaks for itself because it helps you know what part of the road to ride on, how much to push speed, what to look around for, etc. If you don't do that focusing, then you can become a victim of your own emotions and can't be successful. I'm glad he was there for me and that we ultimately gave it another shot. On the way back home I decided to be a little gutsy and stick to the main (busy) road all the way to our training grounds, but this time, I led us to where there were more curves so we could have a little fun before heading back home, cleaning our gear, and sitting outside for a few hours connecting with eachother. As I finish this journal I will be packing all of my things away to get ready for work in the morning. A new school year begins and I am more equipped than ever to be strong. I remember well the lessons learned in my first two years at my current position and understand the realities of what it is I am doing. Due to this, I know that this year will have a higher probability of being great. If it isn't, then I know I will have some great stories. This summer (the last 5 weeks) have been absolutely incredible, especially these last 23 days. Enjoy your week everyone, and thank you for listening! Kris
  10. We are the average of the 5 closest people around us. I hope you find people that support you just how you want/need and you are able to surround yourself! You can do anything, @fawn_xoxo!
  11. Yeah, the porn industry is just as addicting and really creates issues in real-world sexuality in the long run. Some people really can't do something sexually without there being a screen in front of them if they go in too deep. It's quite the black hole. 27 days is a good start!
  12. Days 20 and 21 The last few days have been pretty great as well. Yesterday marked the Dawn of the 1st day, 4 days remaining (of summer break) and I have to say that I am more willing to not complain, be negative about things and say that I am okay with work resuming on Tuesday. I feel more empowered to stick to who I am and stand up for what I believe in, which includes, dare I say it, enjoying getting to touch the lives of my low-income students. I believe that they can not only do great work, but they can invent and create and be the next big thing. I continued to do way more reading in my time which has been a blast. Today I woke up pretty late but decided against my gut feeling to postpone my 35 mile bicycle ride to tomorrow. It was already 80 degrees and humid but I decided to go for it anyway. The first 15 miles were fine but then I constantly had to manage my mindset. The heat was getting to me but I worked extremely hard to not only hang in there but to try my best to keep up the pacing. I stopped a little more frequently when my head began to hurt and kept on pushing and made it to the goal in 2 hours and 26 minutes (35 miles!) I believe there are 6 weeks left until I do the 100 mile ride. I know right now I need to research ways to combat the heat and part of that will be getting a head start on the days I bike, but also coming with some things aside from water to take care of myself when it is in the 90s and I'm pushing my body that way. I went to the store and committed to my idea of cooking dinner today which was Pasta Agnio e Olio from the movie Chef and it honestly came out great. I think I was most proud of it because it was something I got to be involved in from choosing to do it, to choosing the ingredients, and slicing them up and doing all the things. After resting for an hour we worked together to make pizza dough so that we can try out New York Style Pizza with my husband's own take on sauce. Living life to the fullest is hard work, but it is so rewarding. I love having a better attitude, actually being there for my husband and for the people around me, and taking on all of these great things. I look back on my past self, even from earlier this year when i was in therapy because of intense negative thoughts. I remember when a certain fighting game came out and I played it for hours on end and tried to "get good" at it. Even though my brain kept saying "What's the point of this obsession, even though you could become the best you don't want to commit THAT much time? Hey, why are you so angry and snappy at everyone around you. Isn't that a sign that what you are doing is something you shouldn't be proud of. You need to stop A) taking a GAME so seriously and B) Stop trying to Practice a VIDEO GAME) Took until 3 weeks ago to really listen to that, but so glad I finally did listen. This year has been such a journey of growth and this is only the end of Day 21 of this latest journey?! Oh my gosh, what's going to happen next!
  13. Day 19 Was a pretty exciting day today. Been going full on with my awakened cooking-self and watched a bunch of Binging with Babish, which I do have to say is a super useful youtube channel for getting into cooking. I started the day by making my first attempt at an omelette after learning how to do one properly. I think the heat was on too high and I maybe should have oiled the vegetables when I put them in before the butter for the eggs, because the bottom of the omelette stuck. Otherwise it was a very tasty breakfast and I enjoyed making it! Will try it again but this time adding mushrooms in the AM. I continued my Spanish journey and then read for a few hours today and finished my 2nd book since quitting games and will be moving onto #3 tomorrow. For lunch I marinated chicken breasts in Mojito Lime and toasted the whole wheat tortillas on the grill and added the remainder of my spinach to it. Again, I feel really good about actually spending some extra time on meals because the pay off is wonderful and I feel like I can be proud of what I am doing on the food front, whether it fails or succeeds! After getting some car maintenance and cleaning done we headed down to see Weird Al Yankovich and that was an absolutely amazing concert. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FklUAoZ6KxY He is super entertaining, knows how to own stage presence and just made us laugh the whole time. Really good way to end the night was catching up with some of our other friends after the show as we waited in the parking lot for an hour so traffic could disperse. Great day and looking forward to tomorrow! Have a great night! -Kris
  14. Day 18 Yesterday I continued to start the day with some reflection (The day's thoughts were centered about choosing carefully who you try to impress and how trying to impress the wrong kind of people, such as those with questionable morals, would lead you to having questionable morals as well. In fact, it's how the philosopher Seneca by being involved with supporting Nero and having his influence and reputation get torn down over the years until he was thought guilty of a conspiracy which he was innocent in, but was forced to take his own life.) I've definitely had people in my past that I tried to impress but it got me into trouble or aided in making me feel worse about myself. The only person I try to impress is me, as much as possible. (Maybe the husband too 😉 ) After working out (I hate leg cardio days that are not on a bike! OUCH!) I watched some cooking videos to gather some ideas for my first recipe attempt. Tomorrow morning I'm going to try a little harder to make a better omelette and over the weekend I'm going to attempt Pasta Aglio e Olio. Really excited about unlocking that side of myself! I continued to work on my Spanish, moving on to the next tier of lessons in Duolingo. Since I haven't yet found a speaking partner I am just making fake conversations with myself sometimes just to get used to using the words in an organic way. I imagine I'm talking to the parents in my school's community but how welcoming I can make them feel by becoming Bi-Lingual myself. It's hard to do without kids, let alone having to raise kids and do the job thing! I deleted my gaming twitter account and am still debating deleting the twitch account. I keep thinking about ways I could use twitch in a beneficial way (Like, if I were to make an instrument basics series and could then do a follow up on twitch where people could Ask Me Anything along the way of the live demo portion). I also think, while that sounds cool, is that something I really want to spend my time doing? Do I have strengths elsewhere that I could tap into more effectively? In the evening I taught my music lessons and started to apply some of what I've been learning in this education book I've been reading. The hardest part of learning new ideas is the moment you try to apply some of the things and you become confused because you are trying to do the new stuff in an extreme way. Really important to focus on the process of incorporating small changes (one new habit at a time) and once that new habit is mastered, move on to learning the next one. I need that reminder for myself. After getting home we did a quick motorcycle ride ahead of the awesome storms that were headed our way and got those parked and relaxed with some Netflix for the rest of the evening. Overall, another great day! -Kris
  15. An article that comes to mind when I read your post https://ideas.ted.com/4-simple-exercises-to-strengthen-your-attention-and-reduce-distractibility/ Fuck ups in your field can be serious for sure, but believe in yourself and learn from it! You got this!
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