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About JustTom

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  1. Day 40 | Work: 16p | Music: 2p | Misc: Taking it a bit more chill at work because of the sickness, but I'm quite proud of myself that I'm able to keep up despite of it. I've relapsed many times around days 40-45 and I'm starting to see some patterns emerge. Maybe it's because of the extra anxiety and just general unwellness, but I've been checking the cyberpunk2077 subreddit ~2 times per day. I've also watched quite a long chunk of day9 playing MTG on youtube when I was feeling really horrible on sunday evening and I couldn't think of anything else to watch. I watched about 20 more minutes of it today during dinner before my roommate got home lol. I don't feel any cravings, but I know that my addict can be very sneaky and this is his way of avoiding my conscious barriers to start the triggers going. So despite forgetting about gaming more and more as the days go by, I've been now reminded of them. I've seen the visuals, heard the sounds, seen the gameplay, seen the personalities. I need to cut it out and get back on the forgetting process. This is a chapter of the past in my life, there is no longer space for it. I am no longer a person who watches gaming videos during lunch. I will be putting on Alex Moukala again, even though it's not very exciting at times. Or JunkieXL's studio time series. Those are pretty damn exciting all the time actually. Going to sleep at 0:30 and shooting for getting up at 7:30. I need to do this, start building up those habits. The structure and connection to people is the thing that will hold me back from relapsing when willpower gets exhausted. I'm still vulnerable because my habits are shit, so wish me luck tomorrow morning 🤞
  2. Day 39 | Work: 16p | Music: 1p | Misc: CGAA + talks Still sick, but somehow I managed to work for 8 hours. One hour at a time. Again, because I spend the evenings doing chores, procrastinating a bit and talking to my roommate, there isn't any time left for music again. But, I'm going to bed early for once, so that's nice. I want to match his early morning schedule. Not because I think it's better, but because I haven't been able to get up on my own without a threat of getting fired for years. I think this might be a rare chance at getting the habit sorted. Going to bed at 1, and then tomorrow midnight, which should be enough sleep to get up at 7. Anyways. I've been having a pretty boring life this month to be honest. I guess there was the wedding, but other than that I'm not meeting any people, not working out, not doing anything exciting. Just going to work, coming home and trying to learn a hobby, but not quite managing to do so because of sickness. And watching the entire season 3 of stranger things last week, of course. That was a big reason too 😄 Patience.
  3. Day 37 & 38 I got sick on friday, probably because of having to bike in cold rain while my immunity is weaker during allergy season. So I spent the weekend sick, feeling like absolute crap, slight fever, did maybe 5 pomodoros of music and coocked food. That's literally all I've been able to do. It makes me really sad that I wasn't able to enjoy almost any music making during the entire last week, but I have to be patient. At least my thesis project is progressing. If all goes well, I might graduate this year, that gives me hope. Patience.
  4. If you feel considerable depersonalization and/or depression, I highly suggest to get a proper blood testing done - it could be a simple medical issue. There's a youtube guy "bignoknow" who had very severe depersonalization for a very long time, highly suicidal, was hospitalized at times etc. In the end it was found through a blood test that he had dangerously low levels of testosterone, started a therapy for it and recovered.
  5. Day 36 | Work: 16p | Music: 0p | Misc: talks Despite sleeping for 9 hours, I was completely groggy in the morning, barely got up to go to my job on time. While I was biking, a huge rain also started so that was fun. Worked for 8 hours and now I'm going home. Research is progressing so that's fine. I'd like to work a bit during the weekend as well, but if I won't feel like it, I won't do it. No cravings or dangerous patterns, but I did have a dream last night that I played cyberpunk2077. It was literally first-person, like I was a character in the game. It was the second gaming dream this week, so strange.
  6. Popping in here real quick to say I strongly disagree with Cammy's sentiment. Do what you feel is right for you. I'm a huge fan of changing and growing your personality, but change should be motivated by internal consideration. Never change just because someone said they don't like something. ESPECIALLY from strangers on the internet. DOUBLE-SPECIALLY in your own journal. TRIPPLE-SPECIALLY when it's something as petty as not liking you writing "hehe". I mean come on.
  7. Day 35 | Work: 19p | Music: 0p | Misc: a call One day at a time.
  8. Day 34 | Work: 19p | Music: 0p | Misc: doctor I ACTUALLY GOT A DECENT RESULT IN MY GODDAMN RESEARCH!!! Of course it was a dumb fucking mistake that was needlessly making my experiments 3-4x slower AND converging at about 8% higher absolute error. I finally have a baseline that I can work with without being ashamed of myself. Great. Now to beat it somehow. Going to the dentist now(again). I'll have some time left in the evening, but I'll probably just chill and go to bed. If I push out a few more pomodoros, I'll gladly update.
  9. You did great! Realizing it doesn't feel right is all you can do, really. I also got caught up in playing poker thinking "it's not a video game", even though I was playing online. Took me days to get off of it. If you stopped as early as you realized, I wouldn't consider it a relapse.
  10. Day 33 | Work: 26p | Music: 0p | Misc: CGAA There is so much work to be done on this thesis that I'd need another 5 months to actually make something good. The question is: can I make something passable in THREE months? Answer: if I keep working like these last two weeks then probably yes. Today I worked for 13 hours, not bad I once again fell asleep on the couch in the morning for another 90 minutes for no reason. Next morning, next attempt. I'll call a fellow in the morning. This morning pattern in my brain is incredibly strong and I need help. Calling parents doesn't cut it, and my roommate decided to start waking up at 7. Maybe I'll adjust to him next week, but can't do it this week, so I'll try to call someone from CGAA. That's actually quite motivating to me. The threat of brain damage and shortened lifespan. I went to sleep at 1am instead of midnight, but it's a huge improvement. I'm working until late today so I'll go to bed late, but I make sure to get 7 hours every night.
  11. Congrats @ElectroNugget !
  12. Day 32 | Work: 16p | Music: 0p | Misc: doctor Same old. Focusing on improving sleep schedule slowly but surely, going to bed earlier today. As in, before midnight - which is unheard of for me.
  13. Day 31 | Work: 0p | Music: 0p | Misc: CGAA + social + chores Chill day. Instead of music, I did a lot of chores, a dentist appointment and a long talk with my roommate. I'm not really feeling this upcoming week as much as last week, but we'll see. I'll try to get into the zone on monday by doing everything right - today's evening preparation, enough sleep, and not going back to bed after first alarm. You mean the times I actually relapsed at this time, or the times that I was off-games, but relapsed later down the line? For the former at least, EVERYTHING is different. My addiction is really strong and I get into extremely depressive states. I know I can't EVER touch a game again. Or at least a few YEARS. Cravings also strike fast like a lightning and I can go from feeling happy about my day to installing a game to playing it in 1-2 hours. Then it's just a few more minutes until I'm a lifeless husk.
  14. Day 30 | Work: 0p | Music: 8p | Misc: CGAA ONE MONTH!!!!!! 🎈🎈🎉🎉🥉🏅🎖🏆 Other than that, a pretty unproductive day. I felt restless, irritated, looking for instant gratification all the time but didn't find it. I also fell asleep on the couch in the middle of the day for about 3-4 hours - I think that messed me up a bit. Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment in the morning so when I get back home, I'll just take my nootropic and start hustling! 😄 I realized it's pointless trying to do composing exercises without having the right workflow for FL studio and the big orchestral template, so instead, I started doing another easy soundtrack cover. Already learned a lot of tricks today despite low productivity. Tomorrow I hope to write much more.
  15. The genre is called hybrid or hybrid orchestral. Two Steps From Hell is a label that publishes a ton of this style for example.
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