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NEW PODCAST: Dealing with Gaming Nostalgia


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About JustTom

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  1. Day 1 & 2 Pretty much didn't do anything, but also didn't game - so that's pretty good! I've been contacting some people to sell my account and it looks like I have a buyer or two lined up. I'll try to sell it for high of course but if it won't budge, then I won't greed and would prefer to sell within a week or two. I managed to wake up on the first or second alarm, relatively early. Today is day 3 and I slept till 11, but anything before 12 I consider a great success so yay. Going to try my hardest to work a bit, after being done fantasizing about the upcoming DnD Pathfinder campaigns
  2. Heyo, I'm coming back from a relapse after months. I don't really feel like writing much, but I do want to get back to journaling as well so starting the thread should be a good idea. Things are shit, but could be worse too. I have absolutely no idea how I managed to talk my way through all this time to not drop out of uni, or get kicked out of my family, or be homeless, or have my bank accounts frozen or something like that. Things just keep being the same shit way, but never quite collapsing and reaching rock bottom. So anyways, I'm still at school, extending my thesis more and more each month, and wasting my life away. Was playing world of warcraft classic for half a year and nothing else, basically. While I 'achieved' almost everything I could in the game, I achieved nothing in real life. I still think I can have an exceptional life and do all the things I wanted to do, but I'll be 26 next week and I've said the same thing every 3-4 months for the past 5 years sooooooooooooooooo. I still don't think I will just settle in and be normal, but rather be either a super successful maniac or a loser wreck. Bad thing is, I've been leaning towards the loser wreck scenario recently, but hey. Toda's a new day and all that shit eh? Yesterday I made the decision to quit gaming again. I haven't been able to pull the trigger for a very long time and that's why I wasn't able to get out of the haze. I finally mustered up to do it only after a buddy of mine I'm living with told me to pack my things and leave because he lost hope for me. Without games, I can get better, I know that. So I'm gonna try once again. Day 0 So this day 0 was yesterday. Today is day 1. I'm cleaning up my PC of all the gaming garbage and planning the near future. It's much harder in this goddamn corona quarantine but it is what it is.
  3. Day 83 | Work: 0p | Music: 0p | Misc: Day 84 | Work: 14p | Music: 0p | Misc: CGAA Day 85 | Work: 18p | Music: 0p | Misc: CGAA Don't feel like writing right now, so I'll just update stats for consistency.
  4. Wow is this real? That is spectacularly evil.
  5. Day 82 | Work: 16p | Music: 0p | Misc: social Midday update: didn't manage to get up at 7,so I technically overslept for 3 hours, but it's not a big deal since last night I didn't sleep much plus I couldn't call asleep for a long time. Anyway, at the office I crushed it for 8 hours. Really good focus, all natural today. Going to a small goodbye bbq, but I'm setting a rule for myself to only drink a single beer and go home after an hour to hustle or two more hours. I'm pretty much done with all implementation, so now it's all about managing experiments, plotting, analyzing and WRITING. Tomorrow I HAVE TO write an entire chapter. Gonna be hard, but I can do it. Going to start with model architecture instead of introduction because I have to split my day in two blocks and four introduction I need a full 8-10 hours to write it like a novel. Technical details are now easily segmented. Wish me luck to not get drunk. Morning the next day update: welp, I got drunk and overslept until 10:30 again lol.
  6. It's supposed to be enough time for dopamine receptors to reset back to normal functioning, instead of overstimulating on the addiction and understimulating on everything else. But I did just take Cam's words for granted, I'd also like to see an actual study about it.
  7. Day 81 | Work: 21p | Music: 0p | Misc: call CRUSHED IT! Let's fucking GO! The hope for an earlier deadline is miniscule, but I will try my hardest to still make it. Even if I don't, working 60-80 hours per week is required until end of september anyways. But I think I can make it. I believe I can write my entire goddamnit thesis in a month, while still coding, running new experiments and analyzing. I have a goal in mind and I will stop at nothing to achieve it!!! All I need to do is tripple down on daily habits, get up in the morning, go to sleep at 11pm and while working - FOCUS - get into deep work, no shallow procrastination daydreaming bullshit. Just like I crushed it today, I'm going to crush it tomorrow. Get in the flow, stay in the flow. Yep - Meditation + sleep before midnight Yep - Got up early Yep - Store laptop in the office Yep - CGAA/call Yep - Affirmations Yep - No Reddit @Ikar @Phoenixking Thanks bros, I might reply later when I find the time hah
  8. Day 77 | Work: 14p | Music: 0p | Misc: event Day 78 | Work: hard to gauge | Music: 0p | Misc: social Day 79 | Work: 0p | Music: 0p | Misc: Day 80 | Work: 0p | Music: 0p | Misc: ERHM. A lot of things have happened since my last update. My roommate graduated with a fantastic grade and left the same day to travel the world. I was quite sad about it, he's a great person and I really think I grew in a way I couldn't without him. Not just because I was able to stay sober for 80 days, but also my mindset changed considerably. I think I went through my bi-annual change of worldview or mindset. Before, I was hyper-focused on career achievement and when I couldn't do it through gaming, I was hating myself quite deeply. Of course I was always aware that there is more in life and career is not the only thing I wanted, but nevertheless, that was my #1 thing in life. Now I value life much more. Experience, presence and acceptance. I accepted myself for who I am. That, however, didn't mean that I want to change myself any less. It simply means that I am less resentful, or even accepting, towards my current self, while still striving to become better every day. I just don't obsess as much. On top of that, I now want to explore life first, before diving into a career. That means seeing new things, exploring opportunities, talking to new people, seeing new cultures. Yes, it includes travel, but it's not travel for travel's sake. I'm being aware of this romanticized fantasy of travel, but the truth is, I want to experience something that doesn't necessarily have a specific desired outcome. That's the exploration part. The benefits of it are unknown, but I believe they will be huge, and will overshadow the small sacrifice of money. ESPECIALLY because I can always return to my home town and live there for almost no cost. I had a meeting with my supervisors and I proposed an ambitious deadline for the thesis. They didn't think I could do it, so I made them a deal that if I show more-or-less half of the report written by the end of August(chapters were specified), then we'd settle for the earlier deadline. If not, then it's the end of November deadline, which for me is much worse because of the last exam I have to take in October and other reasons. This was friday. I got very excited to work super hard, but then one of our colleagues was leaving and having a goodbye party, so I went there and made a huge mistake by drinking. Quite a lot. Not to get hammered or anything, but I wasn't able to work for the rest of the day, went home and because it was my old room where no one will enter again, I went into my unconscious zombie mode. Just watching videos, series, browsing reddit and just kind of laying around doing nothing until I fell asleep. This wouldn't be a big deal - I was drunk and tired afterall, but because I didn't do any evening ritual, the next day was the same. And all sunday as well. It was even worse than that because I overslept until afternoon on saturday, and then even longer on sunday, essentially reversing my sleep schedule. Even though I didn't game, this kind of fucked up sleep feels very much like the old me. I've managed to not accumulate too much mess, but I'm back on the couch, which I used to game on during sleepless nights. My curtains are closed. I'm up at 4am to reset my sleep schedule with nootropics. I haven't talked to a single person for two days. I haven't worked, I haven't looked into music, I didn't do laundry, I didn't do anything productive, or unproductive but enjoyable. These states eventually lead to a relapse, it is guaranteed. The fact that my roommate left is very significant to my addiction recovery. If I knew that somebody would eventually come in and hangout, I'd never go through such a weekend. I feel a bit scared. Because if I can't handle this now, I think I never will. Anyways, so my ambition of earlier graduation are 95% gone unless I somehow become a hyper-productive genius this week. I'll just try to reset sleep today, do as much as possible, and next week focus on recovering the habits that I started accumulating in the past two months. I really hope I didn't sabotage everything in the very first two days alone. If I didn't, I might be able to pull this off: CGAA meeting or call with a person EVERY DAY Leave laptop in the office every day 22:30 - shower, meditation, sleep Wake up at 7 Affirmations every morning No Reddit The first one is my higher power that will make me recover. So.. yeah let's see what happens. 1 more month until my end of internship. It's time to work super hard. It's time to show everyone that I am different. It's time to be the legend!
  9. Day 74 | Work: 17p | Music: 0p | Misc: calls and talks Day 75 | Work: 13p | Music: 0p | Misc: 8p writing a manifesto + gym + call Day 76 | Work: 1p | Music: 0p | Misc: gym + talk I decided to include effective hours of work, instead of hours spent in the office because I legit got nothing done today. I find it nearly impossible to start writing, I just keep tabbing to reddit and some other random places, as well as daydreaming about all the cool things I will do in the near future. I mean really, I was actually looking up hostels in Bangkok this afternoon haha. The catch is, I still have to graduate, the deadline is in about 5 weeks and it's... well I have to fucking work wtf. I'm taking my nootropic tomorrow. I said I wouldn't do it until my next appointment with the ENT doctor because of my tinnitus, but since the tinnitus has normalized back and I'm really struggling hard to be productive, I will make it a single test day. At least I'll see the effect. I need to really give up all my hopes and dreams for a few hours and become a work robot, no matter how much I hate it. Just GET SHIT DONE, and then I can live. Just a few weeks come on Tom it's not that fucking hard so STOP procrastinating!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, unfortunately, I'm unable to reach him. We are completely different people at this point. When we had a call we got into a huge argument and I think our relationship is damaged beyond repair. Or at least I don't see it getting better now. Oh well, just one of many dysfunctional families, no biggie, life goes on.
  10. Day 73 | Work: 0p | Music: 16p | Misc: CGAA What a fantastic weekend! I went socializing on friday, so on saturday and sunday I just chilled with music, as is my prefered way of chilling ? Finished my Furiosa string theme! I was extremely proud of it and the excitement of sending it to people and collecting that validation is the best feeling ever ha! Next step is to make a similar string theme, but my own original composition so we'll see how much I really learned hehe. It felt great making it, even better showing it off, and I learned a ton. I only applied very basic mixing&mastering though so I didn't get to as close as possible to the original, but I'll actually re-mix/re-master it just a liiiitle bit during next week and then post it here. I don't want to spend too much time on it, but I do want to fiddle a tiny bit more. Regardless, I need a lot of time for the original theme and the thesis deadline is uncomfortably close soooo I might even postpone this until after I'm done and just go full-throttle on my thesis. I'll think about it. Friday was... weird. We had a bit of a product-launch party with the company, at an outdoors bar. That was really fun, but then towards the end, one of our co-workers started feeling very dangerously unwell so we had to take care of that, then went to a coffeeshop and I got WAAAYY too high. I could barely speak, time felt like stretching and compressing all the time, I seriously wasn't sure which century I'm in. So I just kinda stared at a wall, walked around, enjoyed the outside, went home and slept for 12 hours lol. Didn't like it at all. Weed just doesn't do it for me. I sent the Furiosa remake to my dad and he spilled his entire world of insecurity on me again, right after trashing the track as an absolute garbage and making himself into a victim and blaming me for rejecting his opinion. I know he's doing it to survive, to preserve his ego. Because in his world, it's impossible to achieve the dreams I have. And if I make steps to achieve them, he will try to slow me down as much as possible because in case I do achieve them, it would only mean his life was a lie. It's just simple ego survival. I try to keep this in mind and that he's really a hurting person in coping, not a malevolent person.
  11. CALL SOMEBODY !! This is the most important thing and it is never mentioned in this community. Pick up the phone and start dialing! For real, addiction means the brain is physically damaged and to try and brute-force through the cravings with sheer willpower is a path to hell. Call any friend, you don't have to talk about the issue at hand if you don't want to, just ask what's up, how are things, exchange some stories, get out of your head and off your keyboard.
  12. Day 71 | Work: 9p | Music: 0p | Misc: social Day 72 | Work: 0p | Music: 14p | Misc: CGAA
  13. Day 70 | Work: 17p | Music: 10p | Misc: Crushed it.
  14. Dude you're a beast congrats!
  15. Oooh, is your avatar Miller from The Expanse? Love that show so much^^ Welcome to the forums!
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