Jump to content
×
×
  • Create New...

Dear Diary...


BooksandTrees
 Share

Recommended Posts

Hey it's good to see you persevering through the tough times. I am still catching up again on journals I had to disappear to prepare my classrooms for school. Teaching is rough this year.  

I apologise for not knowing what test your about to take but it sounds like you have a bout of testing anxiety. I have it and I see it a lot in my students as well at the high school level. Just prepare as good as you can and find practice test as well if they are available. They really help in the long run even if it's the same test you can always draw back and connect one question to another. If you need any other testing techniques or ideas let me know I can try to drum some up for you!

Stay strong man! You got this!

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

20 minutes ago, Tzen1 said:

Hey it's good to see you persevering through the tough times. I am still catching up again on journals I had to disappear to prepare my classrooms for school. Teaching is rough this year.  

I apologise for not knowing what test your about to take but it sounds like you have a bout of testing anxiety. I have it and I see it a lot in my students as well at the high school level. Just prepare as good as you can and find practice test as well if they are available. They really help in the long run even if it's the same test you can always draw back and connect one question to another. If you need any other testing techniques or ideas let me know I can try to drum some up for you!

Stay strong man! You got this!

Thank you! The exam is the professional engineering exam to be a licensed engineer. It takes 5 years experience under licensed engineers and a bachelor's degree to become eligible as well as passing a 6 hour fundamentals of engineering exam which sums up your college education. It's kind of like becoming an MD as a doctor or DMD as a dentist. It's one of the pivotal points in an engineer's career to officially make them an engineer. It's one of the toughest exams in the country with one variation as probably the toughest being a 16 hour exam of pure structural engineering problems.

Edited by BooksandTrees
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Icandothis said:

Sending love friend. Hoping for a good nights sleep and relaxation in your body. Hugs. 

Thanks. I have a terrible relationship with falling asleep due to night trauma. I think it's a big reason I played games and watch porn currently. I used to have severe panic attacks at night and terrible nightmares. I'd also be afraid of someone killing me in my sleep so I'd set up noise alarms around the room to alert me of an intruder. Porn helped take my mind off of these thoughts and nothing I can really do helps with it. It's so frustrating.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I had kind of a stupid day for several reasons, but I just feel very out of it mentally. It kind of stinks. I just don't feel mentally able to study tonight and that's concerning to me. I just slept so poorly and I couldn't shake the grogginess all day. It's almost like a depression. I watched porn twice today already. Just disappointing. I'm going to watch some TV and calm down and hopefully feel better. What a stark change from last night. But that means tomorrow can be good again.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I had some anxiety tonight but I'm feeling better. I'm so grateful that I was persistent with making sure I had a place to live and doing all of my work through everything. Nights like tonight I can sit and relax after stress and just thank myself for the commitment. 

I might not have a girlfriend or someone to hug me and support me at home, but I have myself and I think I've proven that I'm pretty impressive and dedicated. I'm happy for that. 

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 9/15/2020 at 3:29 PM, BooksandTrees said:

Thanks. I have a terrible relationship with falling asleep due to night trauma. I think it's a big reason I played games and watch porn currently. I used to have severe panic attacks at night and terrible nightmares. I'd also be afraid of someone killing me in my sleep so I'd set up noise alarms around the room to alert me of an intruder. Porn helped take my mind off of these thoughts and nothing I can really do helps with it. It's so frustrating.

I am so sorry for this. This is incredibly debilitating. When I first started chemo I had terrible night terrors. I would have terrors of being tied up and hurt. I would wake up covered in sweat and my whole body would be flexed.  I then couldn’t go to sleep because I was terrified of having another night terror. 
 

Is there anything you can do to help with this? It must cause so much distress. 😞

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

14 minutes ago, Icandothis said:

I am so sorry for this. This is incredibly debilitating. When I first started chemo I had terrible night terrors. I would have terrors of being tied up and hurt. I would wake up covered in sweat and my whole body would be flexed.  I then couldn’t go to sleep because I was terrified of having another night terror. 
 

Is there anything you can do to help with this? It must cause so much distress. 😞

Lol I watch porn and then YouTube to the point of exhaustion and then fall asleep without control. I have the ability to control all of my dreams when I'm in them so I change them all night long. But it's exhausting. Sometimes I just hug a little stuffed animal I won at a carnival and I feel better. It's times like that when I wish I had that loving girlfriend I've always wanted. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I am a compulsive sex addict and will recover. It is worse than my video game addiction. I will recover. 

If you had strength to quit video games then you have strength to do whatever you want.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I used to lucid dream all the time, but now I only do so once a month. My friend was a dream addict. He would have lucid dreams every day, often, falling asleep several times in one day to have several lucid dreams. He got these horrible headaches, we had to get him to stop lucid dreaming. To go with where the dream wants to take him so his body can rest. That if he became aware that he was having a dream, to purposefully forget and go with the flow. He did what we said and had better quality sleep. 

I believe that too much lucid dreaming is dangerous because it interferes with the deep sleep that is necessary for your brain to rest.

Dreams are the way our mind cleans ourselves. How the unconscious can tell you truths that your waking mind is too dense to hear. It won't be able to do its job if you play your dreams like a video game.

I can feel your suffering and I really don't know what you can do about it other than pray to a God (or pray through a saint towards God) that you feel a connection with. I'm not sure if you've spoken about your religious or spiritual beliefs in your journal before but I think that's an avenue you can explore.

Edited by Bird By Bird
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks guys. The dreaming I will forever have control of because as a child I had vicious nightmares for over a decade and I taught myself full control. I can now remember every detail of every dream and do whatever I want in them like I'm living in real life. 

I had some incredibly vivid dreams and urges for porn today but I kept deep breathing and changing my thoughts. It was really difficult but eventually I was fine. I might need to buy myself some sort of exercise bike to deal with the absurd level of energy I generate from urges. It makes me feel superhuman. 

I was reading how only 60% of addicts can recover by 90 days and that most recover at 150 days. That coincides with my video game recovery since I had cravings for almost 6 months. I can do this. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't know how I feel about today. I didn't sleep well last night and just was off all day. I felt delirious and stupid almost all day. I could barely get work done. I keep feeling so out of it. I took a 2 hour nap but before I took the nap I had to struggle for 20 minutes with urges to watch porn. It was terrible. Quitting porn is going to start with quitting fantasizing thoughts. I used to think I could day dream about porn and not delve into it, but day dreaming is like watching a Twitch stream for a game addict.

I'd really like to PMO right now and tonight so i can relax before bed. I can't do it anymore though. I need to be strong and keep fighting.

I've been watching a lot of movies recently. It's been nice but I'm wondering if I'm just doing it to distract myself from studying or actually enjoying it. I enjoyed the movies and plan on studying for 8-16 hours this weekend. I don't think that's a big deal to do.

I feel like I'm transforming and that's why I'm so tired. I'm ready to move forward. I watched Star Wars tonight and movies like this really make me feel like I'm part of destiny. I don't mean that in a selfish way. I just mean you feel like you're one of the Skywalkers and you feel powerful. I sometimes wish I could find a woman as special as that and form a loving bond with her. I'm hoping to meet a special woman one day. Unfortunately, it won't be through dating apps as I believe they're pure cancer and have demonized the dating world. It sickens me how trash the apps are and how bad people act on them. I won't take part in them again. 

I will find someone in real life somehow. I promise myself. I have to focus that "desire to love someone else" into the desire to love myself and care about myself. I can do this.

I got a haircut as well today and took care of all my chores in and around the house.

I watched a really good video about porn addict recovery timelines:

 

Edited by BooksandTrees
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know you're working on quitting porn right now so you might want to try what I'm about to suggest sometime later, like in a few months or so when things have calmed down.

Nightmares are intelligent. They tell us about real life problems or neglected aspects of ourselves. You can talk to your nightmare monsters, or even inanimate nightmare objects, and ask them what they want from you. Depending on how negotiations go, you could get them to leave you alone or even help you. It's worth a shot. If negotiations fail, you can always just beat them up. Then you won't have to work so hard to control every aspect of your dreams anymore.

Edited by Bird By Bird
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Another night where I couldn't sleep. I know it's anxiety causing this. I thought I was having chest tightness and pain from COVID19 but I didn't come into contact with any infected people. When I'm not worrying I'm fine. I feel behind in my studies and work and it's getting to me. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'll be posting pretty often because I want to use this diary to journal my cravings and issues with porn now. Sorry if that is annoying.

Anyways, today I have much more energy. I have no anxiety symptoms or anything. I still want to watch porn sometimes, but I feel so much better than yesterday. I might actually study tonight. I feel unproductive at work, but it's been my most productive day all week. I'm tired, but not sleeping to skip on tasks. I just feel more tired in general, but better. I might relax after work for a bit and then study. I can't begin to tell you how much more energy I have today vs the rest of the week. It's like I woke up finally.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Today was the first day I haven't taken a nap in several weeks and I honestly don't remember the last time I didn't take one. I wasn't super productive at work but I did get stuff done and I also spoke with friends today which was nice. 

I didn't study tonight which is bothering me. I chose to relax instead because I was still out of it emotionally. It's been only 2 days without porn but it feels like weeks. I'm avoiding fantasy thoughts altogether right when I start imagining something sexy. I just change the thought as fast as possible. I also feel naturally tired tonight. 

My plan is to wake up tomorrow, grab breakfast, and do a study session and carry on from there. With all luck I'll finish a category by the end of the weekend or day depending on my production. 

I felt less lonely today because of talking to my friends but also not watching porn. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Today is 99 weeks without gaming. I'm on day 3 without porn. I'm having major issues with anxiety recently. I'm not getting deep sleep and I just feel terrible and have memory issues because of it.

Typically, I'm waking up 5 to 6 hours after falling asleep with obscene levels of energy and panic in my head and chest with my eyes pulsing open out of fear. My emotions range to feeling like I could collapse and die to feeling like I can run though a wall and fight someone twice my size and laugh at them the whole time. Sometimes my legs feel like they're restless and I could run for miles. My Fitbit says I'm getting less than 20 minutes of deep sleep each night. 

This has to be because of my exam and changing projects at work. The projects at work aren't hard and I can do them easily. But I'm panicking because I'm not studying well and it's impacting my life to where I don't want to do anything. Then I perform poorly at work. I'm too tired to exercise so I'm not dealing with this stress properly. I quit porn and I was starting to watch porn about 4 or 5 times per day because of stress. Now I'm not releasing the stress and not studying. 

Well today I'm making sure I study the whole day. I'm declaring war on this exam. It's ruining my life so I will ruin its life by doing well on it. I can study for 15 hours this weekend,  about 8 hours per day and be very far ahead in my studies. I am going to destroy this exam. I'm tired of it getting in my way. 

It's a huge hurdle for my career but provides a massive pay raise that I need so desperately in today's uncertain COVID19 economy. But even before the economy issues the exam stress has prevented me from pursuing hobbies because I knew I'd have to commit 2 to 4 months to it. It also prevented me from dating because I don't trust relationships to be stable enough for me to study. Historically I date needy women who play mind games and they've ruined my grades when I was in college. I had to stop dating in order to graduate. It's associated women with failure for me. Once this exam is over I might be able to date again and not fear that they're going to ruin my life. That's a huge reason I watch porn. Porn is a safe way for me to Express myself sexually without the mind games women play with you during relationships. I don't want mind games anymore. Not all women do this, I know. But the ones I've dated in the past do and I haven't tried dating a woman who is sane because of dumb luck. My friends in life who are women are normal and not psychotic drama queens or narcissistic. I trust them. But I can never find women like them with dating. They jeopardize my mental health. It's terrible. 

I'd love to watch porn right now to reduce this stress but masturbating won't get me better at the topic I'm studying. 

People are driven to do great things when under stress and have to escape pain. Eventually I'm going to do tons of body weight exercises to death metal music and calm down before studying for 8 hours and feeling better. 

I'll do my best to find an authentic and mentally stable woman after my exam. They exist. But right now my goal is this exam and only this exam. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What if you completely remove music and observe how it changes your well being? It has helped me and I don’t even want to go back to listening to it.

i am totally guessing here, but things like punching a boxing bag everyday or stretching your back muscles can do amazing things in cutting back stress levels.

Some years ago I was living in london and studying to become a solicitor. That is about 20 exams in the span of one academic year (about 8 months). Stress was immense. My eating habits weren’t helping either. I felt too ill to even start any serious exercise. But with some attempts I discovered a training routine that was helping me a lot.

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

What if you completely remove music and observe how it changes your well being? It has helped me and I don’t even want to go back to listening to it.

i am totally guessing here, but things like punching a boxing bag everyday or stretching your back muscles can do amazing things in cutting back stress levels.

Some years ago I was living in london and studying to become a solicitor. That is about 20 exams in the span of one academic year (about 8 months). Stress was immense. My eating habits weren’t helping either. I felt too ill to even start any serious exercise. But with some attempts I discovered a training routine that was helping me a lot.

 

I didn't have enough energy to exercise but when I don't watch porn I have more energy. So I might give it a shot! 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I went back to sleep and got another 5 hours of sleep. I feel much better now. I have my study material open in front of me. If I finish section 1 of 5 this weekend I'll be on track. I'm ok. I only have 5 videos to watch. My goal is to watch 1, do some chores, watch 1, make lunch and relax, watch 1, do some chores, watch 1, relax etc. I already got my fresh air and sat outside, showered and shaved, and talked to some friends for encouragement. I have not watched porn.

I'll be partially adding to this throughout the day. I really want to watch porn more than anything in the world right now. I've been studying for about 1 hour and only need to do a few more, but I'm struggling. I keep having fantasies and urges that I need to constantly quell. It's so stupid how stress makes me want to watch porn. I'm not even stressed right now. It's more boredom and the fact that it's the weekend and I can do anything I want.

I've been super productive so far compared to normal. I got frustrated because I messed up only 2 problems so I wanted to watch porn and take the night off, but i stuck with it and got all the other problems right. So frustrating with porn addiction.

Edited by BooksandTrees
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I feel like I keep having setbacks with any progress I make. I don't have anxiety today but my stomach is bothering me which in turn is making me feel sick and anxious. I also pulled a muscle in my back doing random house chores yesterday morning so it hurts to move, lie down, sit up, twist, e.t.c. 

I can't seem to win. I'll try to get more sleep tonight so I can study tomorrow. It's still 4 am here. My back just really hurts and my stomach is bothering me. I took some pepto bismol and will take advil tomorrow. I don't want to mix the two since advil can be hard on the stomach.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share