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  1. Day 14 So ladies and gentlemen, the time for my departure has come, which means time for good byes. I want to thank a lot of the people here in this community such as @BooksandTrees, @Bird By Bird, @Lampshade, @A New Man, who have actively supported me in this transition from gaming, and also I want to thank the many others in this community for sharing their journals and commenting and supporting one way or the other. It's obvious that I am not quite "there yet" where I am able to list my accomplishments accompanied by my days and all the other gravies, and that's okay, because to me, all these accomplishments are like the results of something not too tangible, and by non-tangible, I am maybe referring to the change in mindset. The shift from the constant reliance or fix on gaming, which resembles an addict to someone that doesn't need all these shots or fixes to move forward in life. My reliance was gaming, and then when I moved away from gaming, it was streamers and YouTubers, and whatever influences in my life. I never once felt confident in handling my life without some kind of crutch like @BooksandTrees talked about before in an accomplishment post. And even now, I am still shaky on handling my life alone without having some form of distraction or fixation on somebody or something. However, I have hope that as more days go by, maybe I will become more confident as I live my life without this constant need for a "crutch" like my need for gaming, watching streamers, porn and masturbation, and also this "need" to be someone that I am not as a means to get through life. I believe some day, some way I will find something to replace these needs with something much more meaningful if I am not doing so already. But anyway, thank you @Bird By Bird for giving me something to reflect on in the previous journal, which in turn helped me in a way I did not expect to. I think your words were the most powerful. At least in the topic of recognizing and being comfortable with myself. I am not sure where I learned that it wasn't okay to be myself, but I am grateful for you calling me out on that, because I am afraid maybe I would had lost myself in the process during the time of my journals and life in general looking back. There's still so much more to reflect on regarding the topic of being myself, but I imagine what I have to do now going forward, is becoming less of someone else and now more of myself. Also, the idea of seeing what works for me and sticking to that plan was a life lesson in itself, so I want to thank you for that as well. I also want to thank you @Lampshade and @BooksandTrees in greater detail too. You both actively supported me in my previous journals, and gave me a lot of insight on this journey, and that empowered me to continue on even though I had a rough start. In a way, it was kind of frustrating though if that's okay to say, mainly because of the different phases we are in life and because of that I felt some kind of disconnect, and not just you two. Almost like being a level 1, and being around level 100s, in this journey if that makes sense. Sorry for the gaming reference. But in spite that, both of you along with Bird gave me light of what's to come and guidance like those of the elderly, and I am thankful for that more than anything. That about wraps up everything. And so... with that said, Happy Holidays, Happy New Years, and wishing the best for everyone in life. With much gratitude and love, farewell, bear, also previously known as pepega
  2. Thank you everyone for the support. Day 7 How should I go about recapping this week? I am not sure, but I will go ahead and try. It is a little difficult go into detail, but I will try to summarize and then throw some of my thoughts out there from the week. So in the beginning, the first four four days were probably the hardest. The feelings of the gaming euphoria overwhelmed me for most of the days, and because of that I used streamers for an outlet to blow away the feeling of needing to game. It sounds counter intuitive to use a poison to fight off another poison, but somehow things worked out. I made sure to exercise too. Then after that big hump of four days, I am not sure, but I think my brain started to calm down, and I started getting back more in line with real life, and working on myself. Doing what I needed to do. In other words, for every moment I felt like playing games, I guess I substituted it with something, and the more I began to substitute gaming with something else, the more my mind began to feel less about gaming. That about sums up the week. As for my thoughts during the week, explaining all my thoughts are hard to do. The more I think about my thoughts over the week, the more they diminish. So, sorry if I can't say too much @Lampshade. However, I guess something to point out is that odd feeling of journaling after quitting games, because the more I write this journal after quitting games, the more I feel like this is just a normal journal of a person living life. I have no complaints though. But I do want to note, after the following week, I will stop journaling altogether. So, I'll most likely use next week as a good bye. It's nothing too dramatic or mischievous. Sorry if its sudden and maybe I am being too vague, but it's relates to my life circumstance and something I heavily thought about, in other words too personal too speak about. So until next time for my last entry on this website, with this community. Really thank you to everyone who has responded to my past journals, and gave me much needed insight and support, as well as the empowerment from reading other person's journal.
  3. So, I am back. This time under a new name, "bear", also known as "pepega". I am still the same person, but I felt like I needed a fresh start. A lot has happened in my time gone, and I did relapse for some time, and maybe I will speak about the topic a bit: I really did enjoy playing video games again. It was exciting, the joy similar to unwrapping a Christmas present, and also the thrill from anticipation for the possibilities ahead. Then there was the spark from meeting people too, although that was exhausting after some interaction, but still fun. I won't lie to myself and not say I had a grand time. I did. The experience was pleasant, and I remember after getting up from a few hours of play yesterday to go to the restroom, thinking to myself, "Wow, I feel really comfortable right now. " while sitting on the toilet. It was like the feeling of being surrounded by all your good friends and family on the holidays... But.. in the end, I don't think I was fully able to immerse myself in the experience( which is why I am here now), because as much as I wanted to play for whatever days, weeks, and years to come, I began to see gaming as a luxury. A luxury I could not afford. This is a rather new reflection, but I think I spent sometime thinking about the differences in luxuries that people could afford, myself included back then, in relation to my present self now, and to conclude, which I will further explain below, is that I think the more financially stable and secure one is, or confident in their living circumstances, the more they can risk indulging in these gaming activities. Because as my parents came from work, made meals everyday for me, as a child back then, I remember the comfort similar to my gaming experience recently as the same. This feeling of being secure, and because of that sense of security, I could game. But this time was different, which is evident through myself deciding to quit once more and returning to this forum. Reality isn't the same anymore. I can't game without feeling the guilt and anxiousness of my present circumstances. Now that about wraps up my refection during and after my time relapsing and playing video games. It is a given that there is a high percent chance that I will relapse once more, since I already experienced the euphoria of gaming again, but I am going to try again and live in the present. Video games will always be there, they will always be updated and releasing new content, but if I turn away from all the noise, and whatever ideas of FOMO, then will I be able to live my life again. Also, I think it's a good idea to put this down: Some of the reasons why I relapsed was because (triggers): Watching streamers play games Watching YouTube gaming content (but Youtube in general too) Checking updates and content release from games FOMO Being around people in general that fixate themselves on gaming So... with that said, I'm back, I'll be posting every Monday for this month, and I think after that I'll see how things go, and see what schedule is comfortable with me. The goal for now is the 90 day detox, and go from there. Day 0. It's a bit disappointing to see 0, but I learned something from the relapse, and because of that, I have obtained valuable information. So, let's see where things go now that I am equipped with something that of a guide.
  4. Thank you @Bird By Bird for giving me some light. After a good night's rest and reading your reply before actually sleeping, I forgot about the pains of a having a happy happy attitude all the time, when it's not always that case. I worked in retail for two years prior to going back to school, and I forgot about the suffering from having this "positive attitude on all the time". This was something I casted on myself, and having managers around reinforced this idea of being a go go happy person. For the short term, it was okay. But after a while, everyday going to work was painful, because it felt like I was like going to the circus everyday to put on a show, when everyday I was suffering. I quit my job because of that, and mostly because people preyed on that mask I wore (COVID enabled this opportunity to leave). So, thank you for reminding and making me more aware of this destructiveness. So starting now if I can, I will try to instead experience, reflect, and archive life for what it is, as foreign as it sounds to me for right now. And what you say about my character hits the nail on the head. Throughout my life, I have always worn a mask, and being introduced to twitch and internet culture, this mask took on more color. Pepe color. But as you said and from what I am going to say next: and I wear this mask because I am afraid of people getting to know me, and also because I am afraid of what reality I will live after taking off this mask. But always putting up this guard, I feel more isolated and depressed from before and I imagine this feels the same to anyone reading my journals (frustrating if anything), (This is just me rambling at this point, and all I really just want to say thank you for the enlightening post) and I think that's why I run to video games, because of the subtle change in character when I play an MMORPG or some other game. The character that is without the mask. But in some ways, after your post, I am not sure how to explain it, but I feel more okay to not be somebody else. It's something I have been missing since quitting games, that feeling. On the other hand, I am a pretty boring person, and often times I find myself more solemn if anything, but if that's okay from what you say, I will try to be more of myself when I post. But regarding the mask, I am not sure if the mask will ever go away, it's almost become a part of my identity now. If it's not pepega, it's something else. Maybe with some time the mask will do away however. Anyways, I will be sure to never go full pepe. (reeee) Thanks for reminding me. Sometimes I forget proper conduct after being on the internet for too long. So, thanks. Not sure what to say now, I think I have been rambling for a while. As for my journal, I have a plan now, and I will come back November 7th after I get sometime away. I will most likely start posting once a week too, and see how that works out, and if not, I will post every two weeks. Ultimately, I'll keep trying to see what works for me, and stick to that plan. Thanks again for the critical evaluation of what I have said, and done so far. pepega.
  5. My final message for now: Thank you. I am grateful for everything. Grateful for my teacher. Grateful for my life. Grateful for everyone on here.
  6. So, I am doing a little better now. I got my school work done and meditated after, and after some reflection, I think I am going to take a break for a while. I feel like journaling isn't the best idea for me right now anymore. Maybe I am journaling wrong, but whenever I journal I start recalling other things. Bad things. If that makes sense, because most of my mind is filled with negativity subconsciously from I have experienced. When I look into my mind, some how if I am right (I am not a psychologist), my subconscious thoughts take over, and I think that my subconsciousness is really negative. All I can think about is negative things. Sad moments in my life, negativity, doubt, and regrets. They all start surfacing out of no where, and I have seen it happen when I do other stuff in life, like when I am doing chores or home work or when my mind is in idle. I think meditation is helpful for sure so I can learn to sit with these thoughts and be more mindful (at least that's my understanding of meditation as of presently), but then again, I am having trouble filling my life with positivity. I should probably just keep poking my brain with a positivity stick and eventually something will change, but the problem seems to be deeply rooted, and by journaling it feels like I am just bouncing around like with the positivity stick. Maybe I'll need a psychologist, because it seems like they are equipped with the positivity knife, and maybe that will seep through more better. I'll probably look for one in the future when I can financially afford one. But won't just journaling more positively be better long term? Yeah, at least that's what I think so, but right now I need a break from journaling at the very most to reevaluate or refresh, and also if journaling doesn't work, I should try something different. Everyone is different like most people say. And I'll work on finding that. I'll come back if nothing works, or, I get sucked into a more worse heap than before. Maybe then, I will start journaling more differently and more positively, and ha, being more grateful for having a platform with such good people. I am just thinking now at this point, but I do think if what I written is true, then maybe journaling with gratitude and other reinforcing positive thoughts will help change a person's life. Or rather they just need to keep consciously pushing their brain with positive thoughts to some day reach their desired state, and I am sure meditation helps with that too. Actions definitely help too, like actions towards improving one's life. But right now, I think I really just need to get away from things in general. I will still keep doing my tasks, working towards my goals, and treating myself better in regards to my gaming, stream watching, and excessive masturbation problems. So, after my break, I will come back, and see how to go about things. Thank you for the support and advice from everyone, and sorry if anyone had to read my negative and too stance written journal posts. I'll try to be more mindful and positive in a way that is light-hearted and encouraging in my journal next time for myself and everyone else, because one's exposure to anything can have an influence on the self unless one has a strong enough perspective (at least that's what I believe). I should do the same for my life too in regards to being more at ease, light hearted, and positive (now I am thinking again), because at the end of the day, with all current routines I had or have going on like gaming, watching streamers, or excessive masturbation, I should had been more mindful that I have been doing this for a while, and to reverse the process takes a lot of time. I should had treated and taken care of myself better instead of getting frustrated. In some ways, it felt like I was beating up a hurt child, already in pain and in tears. What good does that do? Only more damage, and maybe numbness after. But numbness is painful. Really painful. That's probably why I wrote what I wrote in my journal "becoming widepeepoHappy" about treating my sour fruit better, because some day that fruit will grow into something more than that sourness. Something much more. Something beautiful. But, at the end of the day, the past should had been left in the past, and I should had looked forward in my life, to the present. And honestly, writing this all down now, makes me think about my teacher and how much more I should had been grateful to him. He wasn't always making us write reflections after every week of class assignment or exam to put something in the grade book. It was a reflection so we could look back on what we did, and to see what we could had done better, and what we can do better starting now. He was preparing us for the future. He was teaching us something so valuable. But, I don't know what to say now. I feel pretty frustrated at myself, but at the same time I am happy. Happy for realizing I have a friend inside me that just needs more love from me, and how there is a lot to be done now. So that's all I have to say. This community is great from what I have seen. @BooksandTrees seems to be carrying a lot of weight though, so I hope more people come out successful in their journey and more can mentor others. Because in this short time, I felt a lot of good come out of this community and site, even though I had a lot of frustration, contradictions, and problems on my end. So thanks for all the love and support. pepega. I will be back when I am ready, and when I do... My journal is going to more than legendary. It is going to be godlike (or maybe just ordinary). PogChamp PogChamp PogChamp PogChamp PogChamp PogChamp PogChamp PogChamp PogChamp PogChamp PogChamp PogChamp PogChamp PogChamp PogChamp. Take care for now everybody, and I hope the best for everyone. 🙂 (I should get some rest now for tomorrow, and what lies ahead. Until next time guys.)
  7. widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy widepeepoHappy
  8. happy late birthday. i didnt read all of ur journal post, because me brain would hurt, but its look like u come long way. happy happy happy birthdayyy to uuu happy happy birthdayyy ohhh birthday 30 year long time. much life more life to come
  9. A little rant before I go into today: When someone is mentally ill, it's wrong to call them out on things. In high school, I always hung around over achievers who called me out for slacking in class because I wasn't on their level. Parents, teachers, relatives, and peers too. I wasn't mentally stable at the time, and I still am not, and everyday all they did was add fuel to the fire. If someone is not acting usual, then ask if there is anything you can do to help. Pick a brother up! I hate when people give me that look of disappointment. Today I am working on improving myself, and I am tired of being around people who just want to insult, mock, compare me to their ideologies in life, presumptions of me in life with these ill intended looks! You don't know me, and this is my life, not yours. I am not this and that. I am pepega, and my life is my life! I will not be judged by outsiders who know nothing of me. And today I will not be afraid! I will stand up for myself! And everyday I am improving myself at my own pace! Today and tomorrow and the day after FOREVER! So quit the NEGATIVITY! REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I may not be at my best today, I may not be at my best tomorrow, but someday I will be at the level I want to be at. BUT FOR NOW! I AM PEPEGA! PEPEGASMASH! REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Sorry, this wasn't intended for any of you guys here. It was addressing something internally. But today was not a good day to say at the very least. @Luis Felipe I will look into it, and thank you. I will do my best to keep in touch. @Lampshade Thank you, and I agree. Negative thoughts put me in a real low point in life. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! What was I going to say. I forgot but thank you for the support and interaction. Let's do this dooodssss! REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE As for today, I got some school work done, but I have to get more done tonight. I was distracted today by some memories in the past, and a lot of stress surfaced, but I think I addressed it, and bounced back now. I don't know I don't know what to say regarding my above rant. Even if the impression is good or bad, most of the time people don't know me or try to get to know me. They just assume a lot of things, and obviously I can't really help that, but I just wish people would do better than see someone or something at face value. I am guilty of it too, but at the end of the day if someone relates I imagine they can see how alienating feels. Because I am a certain race or this, people already have this given expectation of me. I don't know what I can do much for that expectation, but at the end of the day, I just have to keep doing what I am doing. People can think whatever. At least that's what I think now, or at least hope I think. But anyways, all I really got done today was school work. I felt too down to tune into my favorite streamer or do anything more productive. I want to say tomorrow will be better, but I will have to see. Patience, right? So, that's all for today. reeee-e-e-e-e-e-e-e. bye.
  10. Thank you just now @BooksandTrees. I was thinking too much for the past 2 hours instead of going to bed, filling my thoughts with negativity. But I figure no matter how much thinking I do, nothing will change. The real change is from doing my tasks and doing what I am doing. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Everything feels so frustrating when I realize things for what it is. I should sleep now. Thank you again for the words. I will keep it up.
  11. Today I meditated, did school work, and exercised. I watched my favorite streamer on my downtime, but I am okay with that. The process takes time. Also, I ate three good meals today, so I might fart rainbows tonight, maybe more than farting, because my belly is gurgling right now. Uh oh, I have to go now. Back. So, rainbows did not come out. At least I know now, and lucky for the next person, the toilet seat is warm. widepeepoHappy. I lost of my train of thought. Anyway, I am sore from exercising today, so I am going to go to sleep. Ni ni.
  12. PogChamps in the chat! pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp
  13. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I feel more relaxed now.