d.manuk's journal

[d.manuk]

I got Botox and it made me look a few years younger. 3 people said I looked like I was 24 this weekend.

[goodvibes]

On 4/6/2022 at 8:36 AM, d.manuk said:

I got Botox and it made me look a few years younger. 3 people said I looked like I was 24 this weekend.

meanwhile it was typical of me to skip out on sleep / meals / nutrition while gaming which definitely made me look a few years older, talk about potential for a good turn around!

[d.manuk]

I've been on testosterone replacement therapy for a month now and it's part of my routine. I inject 5x a week and it leaves those spots sore for a few days which is annoying.

I went to get an Inbody scan done and the results made me happy... I gained 6 pounds of muscle while my bodyfat stayed the same. Since I had no changes done to my libido I was hoping there would be at least some positive change since starting the medicine, so I'm happy there are some things starting to happen... real benefits start to appear after a few months.

I do have mixed feelings about this though. I feel as if I've been working hard to gain muscle for the past 10 years and had nothing to show for it. And it's because something in my body is messed up and I have lower testosterone than I should. Now my body is normalizing to what it should look like given the exercise routine I subject to it. Similar to my diet, I've only recently been able to make a breakthrough into what the problem is and how to fix it. I wish I didn't have to take a medication for this to happen and that I could gain muscle like someone with more blessed genetics, like the beautiful teenage boys I follow on Instagram. Meanwhile I'll soon be twice their age and just starting to have some semblance of muscle on my old skinny body.

It's just a little frustrating that I have to deal with these kinds of health issues and just typing this out made me cry a bit.

I hope I don't have even more serious health issues as I get to an old age.

Edited April 21, 2022 by d.manuk

[d.manuk]

I do think that thanks to the testosterone I will achieve my goal of looking good by summer 2023 though

[d.manuk]

I took down the artwork both I created and friends made for me. Threw most of it out. 

I didn’t like how skinny I looked in the pics they drew of me and it’s not what I want to look at every day. I bought a big lion poster.

[Salem]

A lot of what you have said in your posts resonates with me. I am 26 and feel like I have really low T and just cannot gain nearly any muscle, and skinny like a rail. I know it sucks and you're not alone. Insta will only do harm though so tread lightly friend.

[d.manuk]

Yesterday I had my first hookup in over a month.

I think normally I wouldn't have minded, but the guy had kind of skinny body and the difference between how we looked turned me off. I felt more muscular than him which is a new feeling.

 

I'm going through a spring cleaning process and preparing my mind and home for my new evolution.

[d.manuk]

I decided to stop painting and get rid of all my art supplies.

 

Ways I spend my time in order of priority:

Weightlifting

Working

Eating enough calories and testing my diet

Skincare and self care

Cleaning

Socializing

Flexing and posing, Yoga, Fashion

[d.manuk]

I'm about 5 hours into doing spring cleaning my apartment... I'm maybe 2/3 done. Shedding the old and it feels good.

[d.manuk]

I did gentle yoga before bed today and it felt really good. I need to make time to do it more.

 

I think I did about 18 hours of decluttering total.

Edited May 2, 2022 by d.manuk

[d.manuk]

I archived a lot of pictures on instagram because they didn't reflect the current me

[d.manuk]

Testosterone Replacement Therapy 2 Month Self-Reflection Post

 

This is ~2 weeks before I do blood work and have my first check in with my docor.

 

Pros: Makes it easier for me to gain weight and muscle but keep body fat. I've gained 10 lbs but my body fat has stayed the same (12%) and water level% is the same, I'm not bloated. It's not a miracle though and doesn't go super fast. I'm at 180lb now. I think it puts me on roughly the same level as someone with naturally higher than average testosterone like some of the teenagers I see on TikTok getting into fitness... not abnormal. I feel lucky that I have access to this kind of progress finally for the first time in my life after trying so hard in the gym for 10 years and feel like my hard work is finally catching up with this missing ingredient. I should be able to have a fit body soon.

 

Neutral: The biggest change I've noticed is my music taste. I listen to a lot of music and my music has changed to be more aggressive. I'm just metal and hip hop now whereas before I used to enjoy a larger variety of genres including trance and some pop. I now strongly dislike any song with female vocals or whiny boys. 
I think I'm becoming more traditionally masculine now, though kind of like a fuckboy. I feel like it's harder for me to be fake nice/polite to people I don't respect or like their appearance. What I used to be able to keep inside is now more likely to seep out. This does not bother me, though it may cause issues for me at some point.

I'm more repulsed by women than ever before. I'm gay and have always only been attracted to masculinity and this has only been heightened even more to a point where I find it hard to take women seriously as equals.

I feel like I always need to be working towards a goal now. I used to be able to go for a walk in nature and feel content and one with the spirit etc but now it feels pointless to do so. General everyday things that I used to enjoy (kind of like a woman) now seem pointless. This really just brings me to going to the gym and playing video games since those have an ingrained reward structure.

 

Cons: The only negative side effect I'd complain about is that my face is flushed red most of the time. I've always had rosy cheeks but now it can look like I have a lightly sunburnt face. Bloodwork will likely show I need to give blood regularly. This side effect started showing up very early, I think even late week 2.

Also I don't think I'm able to feel happiness as strongly as before. I'm more quietly content now, which is different.

My libido has not improved at all, which has been disappointing. I'm on 200mg/week EOD + 500iu HCG.

The residual lumps and swelling after injecting is a little annoying.

Edited May 12, 2022 by d.manuk

[d.manuk]

Today is my last day in Dallas. I want to move here, but it would not be a smart idea to move just yet.

Reasons I want to move:

Sunny weather

Best chance of finding a boyfriend is here in this city if I want to stay being a bottom


Reasons why not to move:

I currently make $87k per year and only work about 15 hours a week. This is the main reason for not moving. Unless I can purchase an apartment here, it's not worth moving here because I'd have a worse quality of life.

Not sure if I want to be a bottom forever

Scared my job here would be worse if I can't keep my current job
 

[d.manuk]

I need to decide if I want to be a long term top or bottom. Vers is fine but I tend to like strict roles.

 

top benefits:

alpha mindset

im in charge and always right

no need to prep body for sex

Partner is essentially my slave

 

top negatives:

have to have a more feminine partner

 

bottom benefits: 

a strong person gets to take care of me

i think I naturally prefer this role

don’t need to lead and can take it easy

less embarrassing to be vulnerable in this role

 

bottom negatives:

time consuming to prepare body for sex

hard to find someone respectable to submit to

age makes you much more vulnerable in a long term relationship if attracting alpha males 

need to be subservient which affects other aspects of your personality

[d.manuk]

Goals for this year:

make a male friend

get to 195+ lbs and 12% bodyfat

get more clarity on if I will move next year or not

have a plan on getting a car by end of next year

make a youtube video relating to my career

gain 1 client at my job

Edited May 28, 2022 by d.manuk

[d.manuk]

I started uploading tiktok videos on my fitness journey and self care.

I'm going to start mewing and going to a chiropractor

 

Current weight: 183lb

[d.manuk]

When I was having issues in my relationship a few years ago, I realized I had reverted back into a lot of things that brought me comfort in my childhood. However, this also regressed my mindset back into being younger and more childlike as a way of coping with the trauma.

 

I'd like to think that I'm at a point now where if I encounter a traumatic situation, I wouldn't revert to that childlike state as hard.

[d.manuk]

I've gained 15lbs while staying the same 11% bodyfat over the past 2.5 months.
I'm very happy and I plan on doing a cycle in 2-3 months. I wish I had responsibly done steroids instead of smoking so much weed as a teenager lol.

 

My goal is to weigh 200lbs by the end of the year while staying at the same bodyfat, so I just need to gain 15 more lbs.

Edited June 12, 2022 by d.manuk

[d.manuk]

I went to a chiropractor today and will be doing the stretches he recommended. I will see him regularly for the next few weeks.

[d.manuk]

By not having an active social life, I feel like I'm wasting my life keeping to myself. The years are passing by and my youth is in its end stages.
However, I don't have a strong desire to change my way of life.
I also don't feel ready as I'm not done getting to my desired weight and also don't have a full understanding of my health issues surrounding my diet.

[d.manuk]

I’m not a pleasant person and I’m pretty evil compared to most people. I’d probably be a thief and serial killer if video cameras weren’t invented yet. 
 

I don’t care about anyone but myself and so it’s hard to get close to other people. The number of people I respect and find interesting can be counted on one hand.

Edited June 18, 2022 by d.manuk

[d.manuk]

I hooked up with a guy I liked today. Out of the hundreds of guys I've slept with since moving to Boston, he's only the second guy I quite liked. I need to stop sleeping with random guys just because they're convenient and available when I'm horny.
 

Edited June 19, 2022 by d.manuk

[d.manuk]

I went to a work party where a lot of people haven't seen me in person in a year or so. Some of the people commented that I look in shape and muscular.
I don't really feel that way, I feel fat and skinny at the same time...

[d.manuk]

I took a new body pic and the responses I got to it made me feel a lot more confident. Ended up having sex with 6 guys in 1 night.

 

im about to start my first cycle and I’m excited

 

getting on a plane tomorrow and nervous that my aunts financial advisor won’t let me get $20,000

Edited June 27, 2022 by d.manuk

[d.manuk]

I’m 85% decided that I’ll move to Dallas next year.