Matt's Journal

[wheatbiscuit]

October 11-15

Gratitude:

~ Feelings of belonging

~ Good weather

~ Waking up motivated earlier

~ My dad's part in 'Spring cleaning' my apartment with me

Summary:

I feel sad for not joyously keeping up with GQ forums or Discord much this week - one of my more 'present' gaming partners put me back onto a list of 6 books - of which I've still only actually read 1.5 - perhaps so that I might more appreciate his world a bit more. He sent me this list while I was problem-gaming alongside him from January until May. I think that they're all supposed to inform readers socially, a realm where it's often hard for me to find my feet.

Speaking of realms, I've been lamenting the avoidance of the refrain that were mine and others' pixels in-game. Frustrations ran high these past 5 days, with what I thought was successful filling-in of my schedule. I used to be utterly obsessed with simply building my body, but as I sometimes say - exercise is more like a duty to help keep my mood upbeat, and to prevent injury, when I really think about it.

I called 'time' to Wheatbiscuit Senior for Sunday and Monday, willing to dub them 'nothing' days. Maybe I'll make my next post when my current sombre book-read is done, with what I got from it. I'll try to join in with everyone else's journals tomorrow.

Peace,

~ Matt

Edited October 15 by wheatbiscuit

[wheatbiscuit]

I finished reading the pdf of a 2001 non-fiction book on my computer Tuesday night. It basically took me a week for 250 pages of kind-of-complex sentences. 

The lessons that seemed to be meant to be imparted were not new to me this year, but had I read the book when I was really young, it could have helped me out even more. The morals include, in my words:

1) Thinking before acting, 2) Mastering impulses, 3) Re-framing ourselves as creators of our own destinies (not claiming victim status)

It was also useful as an empathic read - the writer had many sad and moving stories to tell. It was 'Life at the Bottom' by Theodore Dalrymple. I found a free pdf online, and it was sort of like studying because I read at my desk on a screen (telling a tale in itself), if it weren't for its emotive language and missing raw statistics with sources. 

The next - 3 of 6 - up for reading is 'One day in the life of Ivan Denisovich' by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn.

There's more to say about what's been going on for me, but I'll leave it there for now. Peace, everybody.

~ Matt

[wheatbiscuit]

Alright, this post's about gaming and life alongside it - specifically, old-school RuneScape and similar private servers. Here goes. I hope this is an easy read, because it was an easy type, honest, and I needed it out. My hand cramped the last time I wrote a diary entry for my psychologist. 😛 

________________

What has kept me off ALL games has been my journey with you guys here on these forums since May. It's been a full 5 months without them, almost to the day. I did purchase the Respawn package, because I felt that I was starting to not belong, even on 'RS-relateds', as they've been called. I completed the reflection exercises in a new, cheap workbook, which I've also labelled 'Road User's Handbook' (study). 

As I physically wrote, my main reasons ever for playing were; A) Proving myself (that I could learn to play intelligently), B) Out of habit, C) Social reasons (but half of the time I was simply in an old IRC channel discussing life while others surely played), and D) and E) were Cam's well-stated reasons, 'Constant, measurable progress' and 'For the challenge', respectively. 

Also as physically written, my main reasons for quitting were; A) Stalling hygiene, chores, exercise, work and study, and B) Feeling like everyone playing with me (and even offline) were my competition - I've always liked an honest race, but all-go all the time has proved unhealthy. When I quit, I was playing a private server which I had become comfortable, complacent and ultimately miserable on. 

Also significant were the emotions I was experiencing back in May: for one, I would save emotional expression and perhaps even healthy reactions for when I got back online - 'bottling up'. However, I didn't even realise that until I read the question of how I was feeling in Respawn; people rarely simply ask whilst gaming, "how are you feeling?" That used to be the idea - talk into the void (an exercise in honesty), and scan the on-screen environment while hopefully paying attention to those people doing the same. However, these emotions, I think were supposed to be how we were feeling about the idea of quitting for awhile - at which I also felt happy, optimistic, and my naturally cautious-yet-excited self.

Those feelings are almost history now, after 5 months. I said in @BooksandTrees's diary, I think, that I wanted to find out what a Summer without gaming felt like again, in newer times. However, a lot of the memories I wish to re-live/overwrite/whatever I do might not even take place if I can't sustain my close relationships. Those relationships have been suffering due to my focus on real life, oddly enough, and I have very often been frustrated with them of late.

Thoughts of re-entering online worlds for a social and competency outlet again have been pressing on my mind.

I was telling a friend how, in my current circumstances, the only force for change for my life seems to be rage, which even if that has the potential to change into healthy expression, my head and heart tell me that's almost never the case. But people get away with letting some of it out every now and then, just when I'm becoming comfortable with them. I don't let it happen for me because I'm more all-or-nothing. I could also deal with and even understand being with people while they're having an honest outburst, if I already knew where we stood. I'm torn between being someone who perhaps many people model for behaviour, and being honest with myself again.

_______________

I think the problem is my medication's lingering effects on me. One of my case managers has said that a psychiatrist will review them with me soon. I'm not going to suddenly stop taking them, don't worry, but I haven't been responding to relatively small challenges as well as I have in the past. I am finding it hard to actually become excited about maintaining or progressing my relationships. 

_______________

I would find it very hard to dispute Cam's words in his relapse-prevention video (you can find it easily by clicking on the 'emergency' heading at the top of this website, which I obediently did and watched, lol), which were that 'gaming again will not solve any of your problems and they will be right there waiting for you when you come back'. But at 29 years of age, is my brain not set for the rest of my days?

All I want to do is hop online and talk, where everyone's suddenly 'on their own watch', without much bigger, real-life consequences, and partake in a mock-striving towards 'greater things'. That, from the safety of home, I know how to do. There, perhaps, with a little effort that I hadn't put in before, perhaps I could create harmony between offline and online. I miss finding the odd person who could be their open, honest selves and want to stay in-game in my company.

I know that all of this might pass, and that I might be glad if I never decide to go back. I am just not ruthless enough, capable of bullying myself into a strict, offline routine in my current state, or feeling dealt with in an honest manner by close family. Though I read this phrase on much more sinister webpages, 'the words seem understood, but not the music'.

Once again, as is all I wish us as people, peace,

~ Matt

P.S. - I never thought I'd feel like the kind of 'friend' sung about in David Bowie's 'Under Pressure (let me out!)', even if it's only a prevailing part of me, but there it is. 😅

Edited October 19 by wheatbiscuit

[FDRx7]

7 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

Those relationships have been suffering due to my focus on real life, oddly enough, and I have very often been frustrated with them of late.

While I don't fully know the circumstances for you, I understand to some extent. People may not understand everything you are trying to do, or they may have some ties to the old things you are trying to cut away. When that person is not just a gaming buddy, but a friend in general (or family member), it's more complicated than just cutting out the relationship. There is maintenance required while sticking to your values and goal of being game-free. 

A friend and I used to do a podcast together - and still kind of do - but I've been slowly distancing myself from it. I don't feel it's a passion of mine and is a pretty big time commitment for what I perceive to be little gain. I told him the other day that I don't listen to any podcasts right now and he said, "You would if you had an hour commute each way." I told him actually, I drive to and from my hometown which is an hour and am driving in silence, that I needed to reduce noise in life. He said he understood, but I could tell he really didn't fully. I'm unable to relate to other friends when they share YouTube links, but we have other things in common. It's okay for me to say, "Yeah, I don't do that right now." 

7 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

I think the problem is my medication's lingering effects on me. One of my case managers has said that a psychiatrist will review them with me soon. I'm not going to suddenly stop taking them, don't worry, but I haven't been responding to relatively small challenges as well as I have in the past. I am finding it hard to actually become excited about maintaining or progressing my relationships. 

Glad you are looking to get this sorted, and that you aren't going to just stop taking it cold turkey. I did that in the past and trust me, one of my worst ideas. Getting the right medication has been a huge help to me. It doesn't solve everything of course, but it really can change things for the better if you are someone who needs it. It can take a couple tries to find the right one. I was in denial for a while that I needed it and was influenced a little too much by unqualified people saying unfounded claims about its effects on you. When I set that aside and got the right one, I was kicking myself for not doing it sooner. Keep after it, your psychiatrist will help you.

7 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

But at 29 years of age, is my brain not set for the rest of my days?

No, it's not. Maybe according to biological "maturity", yes. However, you have the capacity for great change at all times throughout your life. Even if the brain has matured, that doesn't mean you cannot literally rewire it. It takes time, but you can see it happening to people all over this site. Our brain creates established pathways and it can take time to reduce those and establish new ones. 

29 is no place to stop. I'm also 29 and I have made some of the greatest strides of my life this year. I've altered (and as you can see in my journal, am still altering) behaviors and habits which have long plagued me. It seems like you have made some incredible progress. Don't listen to that side of you that quietly tries to take it away from you! There is in each of us an advocate and an accuser. Recognize their voices and know that your advocate is in there with your best interests in mind. Ignore the accuser; he doesn't know what he's talking about. 

 

Wishing you continued success on this journey. I read your journal every day🙂 

Edited October 19 by FDRx7

[Ikar]

On 10/19/2023 at 6:28 AM, wheatbiscuit said:

Those feelings are almost history now, after 5 months. I said in @BooksandTrees's diary, I think, that I wanted to find out what a Summer without gaming felt like again, in newer times. However, a lot of the memories I wish to re-live/overwrite/whatever I do might not even take place if I can't sustain my close relationships. Those relationships have been suffering due to my focus on real life, oddly enough, and I have very often been frustrated with them of late.

I would find it very hard to dispute Cam's words in his relapse-prevention video (you can find it easily by clicking on the 'emergency' heading at the top of this website, which I obediently did and watched, lol), which were that 'gaming again will not solve any of your problems and they will be right there waiting for you when you come back'. But at 29 years of age, is my brain not set for the rest of my days?

I agree with @FDRx7 above. It's not my idea, but again, things get worse before they get better.

You're still reaping the aftermath of your addict-self actions from the past, while you have nowhere near even the ephemeral comfort that gaming provided. The high is over. Perhaps the actions you've taken in the last five months don't seem like much, but they are realistically much more life-changing than those you'll do in the next five months, if you decide to stay on the path of getting to a better place.

29 is no age, if you stay healthy you can even triple that, so there's plenty of time to create, fix and end many relationships. I believe the important people in your life will recognize the change and the department of your relationships will magically "heal itself", as you step into your life more fully.

My family has definitely recognized and felt the change and there are very few people with whom I've been in contact now even when I was gaming. And the new people you meet don't care how you used to be, if you're good to them now 🙂

[wheatbiscuit]

October 20-22

So, Friday, Saturday and this morning, I had a nice little relapse. I spent most of the last two weeks feeling sad from sad reading content, and a major reason being from having my Dad briefly lose his temper/patience with me during a duo clean-up of my apartment on Thursday + Saturday, October 12 and 14, I guess.

I also had high hopes for an interview at a gym 20 minutes' walk away on Thursday morning, which looked even better as I approached it in person. However, the manager told me he was looking for personal trainers with at least 6 months' experience with group or individual exercise sessions.

It's been 2 weeks since I spoke to my step-grandmother on the phone, and she started to get worried at my solemn texts back to her on Thursday morning, right before the interview. She's had a tough life, and probably read too much into my tone that morning, thinking the worst.

_____________

Funnily enough, those ^ are the only things that really bothered me, aside from (as well, I'm sorry) my unemployment benefits being approved after 8 weeks, but then delayed bit-by-bit for another 2 weeks up until tomorrow, Monday. God knows what the process is.

_____________

As for gaming, I had a little bit of fun, but it affected my motivation to start my workout this morning (after 4 days away from lifting (I needed it anyway)), so I know it's got to take a seat way, way further back - or not at all - if you'll have my tainted keister back with you, that is, everyone. 

--> It's funny, ~15 years ago, when I began my first real gaming grind with a friend living in the same state as me, but whom I'd only met online, I learnt that this friend was already drinking and partying, and reaching unknown (to me) intimate bases, to use the metaphor. He told me that he only wanted to grind, and hated story-mode. I was definitely feeling that notion during today's/the end of this relapse. I just want to trust others and have others trust me to do our thing offline, so I need minimal personal screen-time. Anyhow,

I hope your weekends finish up alright. Peace,

~ Matt

 

Edited October 22 by wheatbiscuit

[DanielG]

On 10/21/2023 at 10:24 PM, wheatbiscuit said:

October 20-22

So, Friday, Saturday and this morning, I had a nice little relapse. I spent most of the last two weeks feeling sad from sad reading content, and a major reason being from having my Dad briefly lose his temper/patience with me during a duo clean-up of my apartment on Thursday + Saturday, October 12 and 14, I guess.

I also had high hopes for an interview at a gym 20 minutes' walk away on Thursday morning, which looked even better as I approached it in person. However, the manager told me he was looking for personal trainers with at least 6 months' experience with group or individual exercise sessions.

It's been 2 weeks since I spoke to my step-grandmother on the phone, and she started to get worried at my solemn texts back to her on Thursday morning, right before the interview. She's had a tough life, and probably read too much into my tone that morning, thinking the worst.

_____________

Funnily enough, those ^ are the only things that really bothered me, aside from (as well, I'm sorry) my unemployment benefits being approved after 8 weeks, but then delayed bit-by-bit for another 2 weeks up until tomorrow, Monday. God knows what the process is.

_____________

As for gaming, I had a little bit of fun, but it affected my motivation to start my workout this morning (after 4 days away from lifting (I needed it anyway)), so I know it's got to take a seat way, way further back - or not at all - if you'll have my tainted keister back with you, that is, everyone. 

--> It's funny, ~15 years ago, when I began my first real gaming grind with a friend living in the same state as me, but whom I'd only met online, I learnt that this friend was already drinking and partying, and reaching unknown (to me) intimate bases, to use the metaphor. He told me that he only wanted to grind, and hated story-mode. I was definitely feeling that notion during today's/the end of this relapse. I just want to trust others and have others trust me to do our thing offline, so I need minimal personal screen-time. Anyhow,

I hope your weekends finish up alright. Peace,

~ Matt

 

Hey Matt.

Relapses suck. While not part of the solution, they are quite often part of the journey towards recovery from addiction. It might be worth the pain to fully learn how powerful your addiction is. I've heard other people share a similar experience to you; it wasn't some big thing that took them out, it was a bunch of little things. I know I'm not as active on the forums anymore, but I did think of you as my journal buddy since we started around the same time and were similar in terms of consistency.

I know from others that the shame surrounding a relapse is powerful, and it takes a tremendous amount of courage to try again. I have great admiration and respect for people who do it. I'm not sure if I could if I ever went out. If you want to have a lengthier chat, feel free to reach out.

[Amphibian220]

Small mishaps tend to derail me too and I need more responsibility and connection to life to become a tougher person.

With enough investment in work and family, greater responsibility, small mis haps stop counting and become an issue that is easily handled. I want to get into that territory

[wheatbiscuit]

October 23-31

Gratitude:

~ surviving 3 days of grim weather (for us in Australia) to eventually receive 3 glorious ones

~ this new, bigger 1.5L (0.4 gallon) water bottle I've been refilling less often and having last longer

~ a weekend on effortfully sound terms with Wheatbiscuit Senior

~ feeling like a member of the public, I suppose

_________________

- WARNING: The following contains details of a gaming relapse

So, you know, before I make this about me, I caught up on all of your journals first. Initially, my ego tried to tell me that for some of you, things had slid because of my lack of willpower and presence. HAH, right?  But seriously, it's been a mostly positive day and week (plus the weekend of the 21st and 22nd), despite what's happened.

This past ~11 days, I had flat-out dedicated 2 hours per day of repetitive clicking alongside music and videos - videos including a large handful of Cam's GameQuitters content on Youtube today. I watched them whilst playing, impossibly enough, I think because I've watched so many over 5 months of pure-sobriety and have accepted them as pastime and as an insight/reminder of what I've been experiencing this October, which has been a lot.

I played enough to hit a milestone in under 2 weeks of a month's game membership, which I'm not really impressed with - the idea was to stick to a mere 2 hour maximum per day, not the 3-4 I actually did - and I noticed a few things, which I'll simply list under 'Positives' and 'Negatives' now.

*Positives*: 1) I divided time equally between play and duties, 2) I felt more in touch with my emotions, and oddly, more balanced, and 3) I also felt less socially-awkward, perhaps because I was proud of finding a low-committal activity within this game and having the patience to stick it out, whilst noticing changes in my thoughts and mood

*Negatives* (there are, unfortunately for addiction, more of them): 1) I've actually felt over-emotional, 2) I could feel that what should be very widely recognised as the/a 'false' self re-emerging, including not being entirely honest or open with pretty much everyone, - though which some people might say is healthy - something that most reading members here should probably expect of me by now, 3) I could feel my brain numbing, for real.

_____________

There are more things to list, naturally, but maybe I'll just finish for today with a few things that I did, and hopefully would have done anyway without the crutch:

1) I went to the state library, became a member, got a card and requested that a book that my former gaming buddy put me onto be retrieved from the depths (😄) for me to read for about 2 hours after a wait. I brought food and water for break. I'll most likely be heading back!

2) I decided that it would be good and safe for me to do my routine walk in the opposite direction to this year's 'normal', which was actually last year's direction. This is relevant in a strange way. At a pedestrian crossing, I innocently stared and eavesdropped among a 20-something girl with her friend, feeling completely at ease - if they had made any eye-contact, I would have introduced myself. However, we were all happy to walk on. It was pretty sweet. Heh

3) My chores at home have been a breeze. I'm guessing that's because of the dopamine and pixellated-progress obsession, what with my sweeping around almost clumsily and absent-mindedly. I do prefer being mindful of all of this.

_____________

So, again, maybe I should have known that some resorted to gameplay would come to the fore. I'm trying not to be too hard on myself as of yet. A review of my medication is scheduled for Thursday, and tomorrow it'll probably be an interesting follow-up video interview over the cell network (my wi-fi may go down for the day, but I didn't want to reschedule). I'll also be attempting to redeem myself on Saturday at the men's group for missing last weekend's Jiu Jitsu event (I really didn't end up being game for it). This week, it's axe-throwing 😅, but we all survived archery and if it gets too intense, I'll fall back on a conversation or two. 

Peace, and Happy Halloween! 

~ Matt

Edited October 31 by wheatbiscuit

[wheatbiscuit]

Day # - November 1-6

Coming in with a new template. I've still been playing on my computer, but have not given up on resisting addiction, especially gaming. This past week has been tough, but ultimately beneficial and telling. Here goes.

Gratitude journal

I'm a tolerant person almost all of the time. Even though I worked my mouth a bit this week, not many people batted an eyelid no matter what I said. People are much tougher than I have thought previously, and I am very grateful for that. I will redouble my efforts striving to create happiness around me as well as inside of me.

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

Every time I finished a set of sled pushes during today's workout and thought I was in danger of collapsing, that went away in some 5 seconds. I set a target for both pulls and pushes and attained it over 90 minutes, sweating tons for a coldish day.

Workout/run

Last weekend was all about walking, after some 10kg-added bodyweight dips and rows on Friday morning. I met a group/personal trainer there early on, between 7:30 and 9:30am, training his own clients, which really motivated me to execute my workout and not be anti-social.

Meditation

Each day when I wake up, I stay lying down in bed in silence, mostly listening to what I can hear through my 3 windows already happening around outside. Yes, I'm kind of numb from repetitive clicking, but the meditative feeling even more in the absence of worrying thoughts (I have an activity diary now, so my commitments aren't all stored in my head alone) is there, and am not rushing in the morning yet.

Visualisation

My old boss gave me one more invitation to carry out a shift in his pizza shop. I accepted once again, and have brought out and re-laced some plain black shoes, leaving them on the floor as a sort of reminder of this week's commitment. I've been picturing my old responsibilities, revising the menu and all I have to do is practise managing my thoughts and feelings while I'm working.

Daily affirmation

I watched a Youtube video and might post a picture of it (EDIT: The ADHD Doctor, Daniel Amen -  The Diary of a CEO) which re-stated a 2016 movie's (Hector and the Search for Happiness) end-note - that being 'happiness is a moral obligation'/we are all obliged to be happy'. I don't think I've been as addicted so much as had a desire for a kind of ease and control these past 2 weeks fulfilled online. We'll see. Another affirmation: Each of our stories let others know we're not alone.

Reading + taking notes

I regressed, to use another's word to some Harry Potter, but also reopened 'Treasure Island', which I might read in the library before work, as another means of mental preparation. I will write a '1 page miracle' and complete an exercise for 30+ ANTs (automatic negative thoughts, I think the A meant), checking them against mine and hopefully other's realities, as encouraged by the Youtube video.

Getting to bed before 9pm

This one happens almost every night.

Weekly Goal(s)

Survive 2 shifts per week at work.

Monthly Goal

Finish, to some amount of shame, getting this relapse out of my system before New Year's Eve. If I am no longer suffering unnecessarily, and have support of close friends, family and workmates, I may play socially.

3 Month Goal

Rack up at least 10 good beach visits this Summer.

What went well today:

Eating a late, slightly smaller breakfast and overcoming a strange 2nd-time sickly feeling in the morning.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Nothing so far, may update later.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Actually go to visit my brother's place instead of letting my politer side get discouraged from turning up unannounced, seeming overeager by asking directly or letting an early (for him) text bother me (he told me he woke up at 1pm lol) yesterday.

Good luck with the week's start, guys. Peace.

~ Matt

Edited November 6 by wheatbiscuit

[wheatbiscuit]

November 7-21

Gratitude, to start:

~ the recommended movies from my gaming buddy were good

~ I had a good in-person interview last week, which I'll chase up on this week, as I have now prepared for the possible next step

~ most of my basic needs I've been able to take care of

~ finishing a month's game subscription with a lot under the e-belt

Summary:

I feel like I've stretched the last 2 weeks in terms of time, physical exercise, and internet-time. During 05/23 - 10/23 without gaming, my days would often start with exercise, but then follow with a LOT of idling. I decided to type here this morning after writing 6 exercise session plans, covering most of the basic components of fitness (muscular strength vs coordination/balance, for example) in the hope of a follow-up interview that was mentioned, then accompanied by my usual walk.

What I haven't done is actively looked for much more work. My support organisation applied to a few on my behalf, and I called off the shift I said 'yes' to at the previously-local pizza shop, more following my gut than perhaps simply avoiding the discomfort to come with re-establishing it as a part of my day/week/consciousness. I have been hanging on the two ideas of working at the interviewed gym and the excursion my supporting worker plan to take on Thursday to another, even more-popular gym to ask about possible positions there. Loyalty has always played a part in my decision making (though in about a month my boss and his choices of employees did manage to shatter most of it last year). In any case..

I read up on three of your journals before deciding to type, and I guess I know that it's coming up on the end of the year for everyone else too, for better or worse; a relapse or two more, a little like mine. You guys have done a lot better jobs at describing the thinking process of it all - I simply went for 'ease/control appeal'. Here, having keenly observed that there is a little over a month left in 2023, I may have settled for some extra time playing. I could foresee it being half of that, considering what I clicked to completion in the last month, but I do not discourage everyone else here from maintaining your abstinence as best as you can.

With wholly good friend and family relationships, very little gaming would be necessary on my part. I confess that while I tried to give my all on these forums for up to 3-4 hours of that 'idle' time each day without games, even producing standard-yet-genuine advice for new members, I found it difficult to be genuinely happy on a regular basis. I have the sense that everything about daily life is so achievement-based from where I sit/stand, with forgetfulness about just enjoying offline play as family and friends used to. 

I also still haven't completed the written exercises I listed 2 weeks ago, chiefly a page on what I want my life to look like, and checking negative thoughts against reality. I just don't want to end up being a machine and having people tell me that I'm too much like one. One thing that's changed this last month gaming for me has been that most of it's been very mindful (clicking 😛 ). The thing is, picturing and working in stages towards offline goals will take a lot more risk and sacrifice, and I'll still have to balance my needs with those of my friends (and family's, if they're willing to admit them).

Checking in again soon. Peace.

~ Matt

 

 

 

Edited November 21 by wheatbiscuit