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Day #5 (Of Gaming Doubt, Self-Actualisation + Gratitude)

Last night, I slept from ~8pm to ~4am; still a solid 8 hours, but more than that - I made sure that I was not still tired before getting online for some ritual play. It may have been too early to type this immediately when I woke up, but who really knows? What did happen was after 2 hours somehow passed, I went for arguably the best hour-long walk I've had; my original route, with 10kg comfortably around my shoulders in the backpack. Somehow, keeping my head up - if only to admire the sunrise, trees, buildings and general Easter weekend peace this morning (I probably strayed far into gratitude material there, but at least they got their mentions). 

I also think I had a bit of a breakthrough psychologically this morning. Many present themselves throughout the day, so I can mentally prepare for random things, but this was one that really made me stop and think about my gaming addiction. It went something like this (as my 'better self' conversed with the rest of me):

"Why, for what reason, are you spending all of this mental energy on things you're already so familiar with?" - Well tbh, I probably am still lingering on the same feelings that my long-time pizza-making job trained me in; fiddling around with things at my fingertips, trying to make a 'perfect' picture. 

"Or an image/a reflection of us on a game, perhaps? On a pixellated screen?" - Yeah, I guess.

"And what do you think would happen if you tried to wrap your head around more difficult, challenging concepts, like the ones presented whilst reading stories or studying things that actually interest you?" - I can imagine it paying off in the medium to long-term, if I could just open myself up to learning about what's real to the wider world and what might slowly begin to benefit everyone, I guess. 

"Is there anything you would miss about not playing Runescape, where you constantly pit your touted patience, concentration and energy against others, even when you don't feel good about it?" - I'm afraid of having to set a pace that enables me to leave all of that (while sitting alone at my computer) behind, while bringing everyone along with me (because I feel that I have to include everyone I am aware plays a part or role in my life (many!). I suppose it's also the flicking by of familiar images and the comfort they bring.

___________________

That ^ was where the conversation (that had to be lengthened out a bit, but really was what I thought in the space of a few minutes - while kettle water boiled :X) ceased. 

I also had a dream last night, where I raced some of the people I really admired socially in high school in a jog around like all the places I love from memory. I think that was about, as long as we are in a good place, a bit of individual effort and/or competition can feel positive. Yesterday in waking life, I realised after taking a break from a basketball game where my peer was shouldering up against me that I was irritable because I'd only slept 6 hours the night before last (9pm-3am). I also wished that I held reading the fiction novel from my dad in high enough regard to at least make me feel social/understanding of others' struggles, instead of believing they wanted to impact me negatively with the way they expressed themselves. That, combined with it kind of being mental illness talking, was difficult. Perhaps it shouldn't have been.

Gratitude:

~ The sunrise/skyline this morning

~ Feeling refreshed enough not to dwell or play negative scenarios in my head much

~ Not even being strongly motivated by the 'last legs' of my gameplay. I actually wish it were interesting and fun, so that the ease and comfort might continue, but I realise that in the future, it will have take more collaborative (with the outside world) effort - since I want to live a long and full enough life to land me in a happy enough place, sort of like my grandparents have. I also want to look in from the outside as well, with my peers, and be proud of what I see.

~ To you who are still online here with me, for being good to each other and positively contributing to others' journeys

Peace,

~ Matt

Happy Easter!

 

 

 

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Day #10 of Liaison (lol)

Gratitude:

~ My raincoat worked, worn over a weights vest on a couple of walks

~ Yesterday, I had an overall good time at a social club 9:30am-5:30pm, like a workday almost, because I put myself to use (as Dr. Larch says in The Cider House Rules)

~ ^ Relating to that book, I have mostly been enjoying reading it in the evening since the start of the year, games or no-games
~ Even though it might be seen as cheating or something, I am glad I can edit posts and messages online so that I might make more sense

Summary:

Well, Monday to Friday has passed, and which day of the week it's been has mattered quite little to me. Routine has been very important in the past, mostly because I talked with people who had them in the form of work and enjoyed seeing people wind down or get pumped for the weekend or the end of the day. I'm sure that I don't prefer chaos to routine, but I don't know how I'm going to grow if not forced out of my comfort zone in some way. I don't want to unnecessarily challenge people's points of view and become really unpopular as I did as a preteen, but what else is there?

I picked up some maths books from the library in case I get bored. Reading and understanding them (with a teacher's verbal instruction) used to come naturally at school, but I found some of it challenging to revisit, so 3 of them left the building to come home with me. 😛

Wishing you all a pleasant weekend

Peace,

~ Matt

 

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Day #11 Under the Dome (Simpsons Movie reference)

I started posting here again almost 2 weeks ago when my idea of my RPG's endgame was in sight. 

Today, I kind of thoughtlessly vented my energy at a highly interactive component of the game in the morning. What actually made my day was having arranged to meet a staff-member at the gym for a workout; upper-body after yesterday's squats. He let me on the body-scan machine, so I've got a sheet of paper of new metrics to look into online.

Afterward, I sort of drifted between the kitchen and the computer, but also backed up some relations with a member(s) of my social group. I found perhaps 30 minutes in the morning and 30 minutes in the afternoon gaming fun; other than that, I just wondered (forgive me) WTH I was doing, and wished I felt that connection and healthy compulsion towards what I'm gonna call 'the system' and society. It's a Saturday night, and the world (or at least the suburb) is my oyster, but for now, I'm happy that I signed off of the game(s) early and am close to finishing reading this book (of my Dad's). I'm still scared of what some of the world might wish to make of me, but maybe the benefits outweigh the costs. I just wish there weren't any - except the old opportunity costs when hesitant/bored.

Gratitude:

~ Beautiful weather when someone said twice that rain would pour (I hope to find out about how his day(s) went)

~ Water

~ The worst egg-in-microwave explosion didn't get me down for a minute as I cleaned up after; I was basically just so impressed that much mess could possibly be made. lol
~ The wonder of what might come in between slow, mindful, hyper-vigilance and tripping over my feet to get places in a hurry that ends up being healthy for me and everyone else

Forza (as characters in an Italian comic said)!

~ Matt

 

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Day #14 (Tuesday morning in Aus)

Yesterday and especially Sunday were tough. I think the social group's event was farther away to travel to than any I'd been to before, and the hour I allowed wasn't enough to get to the second, bus-half of the trip. 

I had spent awhile working with another member to make Sunday his first event in a long time, and it was a surprise to learn that it was his birthday, and that after a lot of progress he would be 'going with the flow' with his parents' birthday plans for him. - So I delayed planning my then solo trip (we were to travel together) until 2 hours before the event started, when really I should have been ready to leave, and known that hours ago. The thing is, I only did the math about halfway through the ride on the train, and with no one next to me to say 'oh crap' to, so my thoughts spiralled downward, almost predictably.

^ Then when I got to the planned bus stop, I actually noticed another group member who had to be running late too. I tried and failed to get his attention (he had earphones in and was staring into the distance), which try as I might have to prevent it, just piled up on my negative emotions. I decided that I'd had an exhausting enough experience on my own and caught another long-ish train back, with my planned bus already in sight. The funny thing was, I really did feel accomplished in that nothing worse happened; that I largely kept myself together - but I imagined that other people could sense my discomfort and perhaps pitied me or even wished that they didn't have to witness it in someone like me. That was one of the negative circuits.

_______________

Yesterday, I saw my employment agency officer, whose wifi wasn't working until the end, and she told me that we'd just be there to 'talk'. I almost wish she hadn't, but it did make me notice the physical and emotional toll Sunday had taken and how it had lasted through a night's sleep. I picked up some of my favourite bread, and at the store was someone I had decided to avoid, for good reason (only to me, though). I think he saw me, but I was determined not to be potentially humiliated (feeling that way around him most of the time decided the avoidance) in public that I kept my eyes 2 metres ahead where I was going. I'm aware that for dealing with some people, this can only make any determination to get back at me for 'ghosting' worse, but I know that with my usual processing, I'll have something soothing to say if that happens - I already had 'I wasn't ready to be good friends yet' planned in my head.

And finally, I realised a bit too late that all I wanted to do was lie down in silence and inactivity (which I did, at the end of the day), my conscience told me to ask my brother about my dad messaging me that he needed someone to look after the dog again for a few days, this time twice a day, which would almost warrant me staying there the whole time. I knew I wasn't up to that, and though I said I'd try to go yesterday evening just for dinner at first, no amount of positive self-talk could get me over the first busy road (I would have walked and taken the bus, as I have 50-odd times before). Having failed (in my view) big-time in two consecutive days (I had even forgotten to pick up my medication until just before then), I turned around, went into the pharmacy and eventually told them I was in a crisis. I'm lucky that they didn't have me carted away, because I was tempted to ask for that to happen when I got home and booked an initial GP appointment over the phone to get more scripts. That's all because of how afraid I was of my family's reactions to my performance; I think that they think that because I don't bring other people down that I must have everything else in order as well. A lot of the time, I'm just a boy. 

______________

Gratitude:

~ I'm not going to recommend my RPG to anyone, but I was glad it was there as an option that I used.

~ Yesterday, my active self-talk (as opposed to idle rumination) carried me though fairly well, though it wasn't enough to make the hour trip and back from my brother's.

~ Being able to sleep yesterday off until I'm prompted to talk about it again today

~ Thanks trying to read my posts and liking them anyway, guys, I suspect it's hard to know what to say re: how loaded they might be

Peace,

~ Matt

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Day #15 (regular journalling)

So I got to thinking as I sometimes do about when my go-to game becomes unavailable officially - which it will, eventually, and most especially before I master its content. This is because I mostly use it for familiarity as I process difficult things and feelings. 

Most definitely, in the official game's absence, die-hard players would flock to the next best (or popular) replacement server, whoever runs it. I would not follow that crowd, for two reasons: 1) Too many players would be competing to complete or attain certain things, having mostly re-started, and 2) The custom-made functions on that/those servers would be too engaging, as I discovered on the server I just completed the level-ups on

--> I also would probably not try to create my own server, as I would get too handy with the 'ban hammer' for people I would deem out-of-line, and would undoubtedly make enemies for excluding the small yet reliably harmful minority, which I doubt I'd be able to deal with. 

______________

So, life after gaming, when I'm ready or forced into it, for someone like me might drive me to church, volunteering or becoming a library-fiend. Today, even though it felt good to have birthday plans coming up, even my mom kind of finished proving to me that my immediate family aren't able to alleviate all of my pain. Maybe with enough time, they would, but I'll probably have to start from the bottom of some real-world gig in the meantime. I just have to choose wisely, I think. I still feel bad about, but am beginning to move past the development that stalled in me since around puberty. The processing continues, for now. 

_____________

Gratitude:

~ A slightly better-feeling period of over-sleep

~ A full morning routine (brush, shave, shower, walk + a given resume)

~ Okay weather
~ Getting away with having last night's forgone dinner for breakfast (tofu and vegetables)

Thanks, and peace, all

~ Matt

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On 4/8/2024 at 11:42 PM, wheatbiscuit said:

~ Thanks trying to read my posts and liking them anyway, guys, I suspect it's hard to know what to say re: how loaded they might be

I'm trying, that's true 😄

Jokes aside, it seems to me you do have more of a "stream-of-thoughts" writing style. That makes it harder for me to react to something in particular - without taking in the totality of the matter and spending a bigger chunk of time on my reaction. I tend to write/journal very concretely and specifically these days. But anyhow, it's your journal and you can write it any way you like 🙂

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Posted (edited)

April 12-14

I turn 30 next week. There have been a lot, and I mean a relatively large number of birthdays in my men's group alone in the past couple of weeks (go April!). So today, one of them arranged an unofficial (our men's group is like a paid subscription for events planned for us) get-together at the bowling alley, then the bar afterward. The thing I liked the most was that almost none of the silences were awkward. 

Yesterday was an official event, which we spent at AXE throwing again! Now, this time I was outclassed by a few people and I made it to the finale and lost, however my partner/opponent called a second chance with the larger, heavier axe to hit the target with - to be the winner - and I made a better throw. So, with honour mainly to him, I might call that a tie.

Both days of the weekend were largely comfortable, though I remained switched on for 90% of the time, which meant minimal side-tracked thoughts or rumination. I want to say that it was like being shown a very good time, and they sort of deserve my best for awhile after that.

^ Without counting the days in tally during this period, I will be trying to find different outlets than gaming and erotic material. I was imagining how grand it would be to say to future family that I knew I'd had my fill of messing around on the internet by age 30, and that it was just a large phase. It'll hopefully be about and with replacement in mind, rather than avoidance. 

___________________

Friday was my main birthday celebration already, and I managed to get home in one piece at just before midnight. With a bit of awkwardness and apprehension to get over, we eventually sat down to a barbecue meal, followed by sweets - then after my mum and her partner left, I witnessed some more eye-opening scenes on a reality TV show with my brother and his girlfriend. I wondered whether they even wanted me to go home, because I stopped at the door, opening and closing it slightly as we kept getting in final words. 🧐

__________________

Gratitude:
~ More good weather: some cold, some warm

~ Drinking water again, honestly

~ My family and the guys being open and accommodating (almost misspelt there!) 
~ Being able to forgive myself for smaller slip-ups a little more

Good luck, everyone.

~ Matt

 

Edited by wheatbiscuit
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April 15-17

I'm more aware of the difficulties of planning to replace some major computer habits again, like last year. One thing I've hardly done is text messaged on my phone, as I noticed it taxing me in a way or two.

I've felt a bit lazy if anything, not checking in, even if it would just be on a game, for routine, time of day rituals. The last few nights for example, I had the option to go to the computer, open it up and 'vote' for the game for rewards. It has been possible 12-hourly, but I've just done it once per day. It was an easy calculation to determine that, come Winter, the reward would have stacked up to be redeemable for the best 'cloak'. I figure that only matters to me because I've never really had goals much further than a month away that are a major talking point in real life, aside from surviving or celebrating a season for the sake of it.

Anyway, my emotions/mood are (and predictably should have been) fluctuating, not because I feel compelled to play (the last weekend glows on), but because I'm trying to re-value things like the tidiness of my room, and the patronage of the cafes and shops on my street when I go out - really realer things, because my particularly lone gaming rituals had next to no bearing on how the food on my grocery list got to the store. 🥲 I hope to start waking up brighter again soon, and more in tune.

__________________

Gratitude:

~ No one looking at me funny walking out the door and circuiting around for an hour in what were basically my pyjamas

~ A super regular birthday

~ My job agent's manner in telling me about their changing workplace
~ Knowing when to call time on my weights-room visit today

Glad to be here,

~ Matt

 

Edited by wheatbiscuit
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April 18-19

Gratitude:

~ Slept for as long as I felt necessary, - though I really do crave good-spirited action - and went to the local gym for a decent attempt

~ The weather was great, and if I had stronger connections with everyone I would have gone out immediately

~ This morning's oatmeal

~ Reading first-thing in the day and last-thing at night, which actually felt like a replacement for games and not avoidance

_____________

I have so many questions, and have had so many more desires to just argue and fervently 'correct' things said and done by family and peers. I gave in to basically none at all, but had one of those almost-downward-spiralling 2-hour calls with a more experienced guy from the men's group. That tired me out, and tonight's Friday event to me was kind of unlikely to go well after getting through yesterday, so I came online here for a bit.

My concern today has been the kind of zen mode that I found myself indulging in while reading and sleeping, window(s) open, that I think a a large number of my family usually reverts to. When we get to doing things, I feel like we're all just taints on each others' consciousness, and should be alone unless we've got a LOT of good energy stored up, or if there is something seriously imperative. 

Now that even before this latest setting aside of games, I've not really valued the gameplay and interactions for what they were, as I did 10-15 years ago as a teenager. The physical world and everyone in it is once again quite real to me, and if I truly begin to engage with it naturally too soon, I could run into real trouble. I don't know how best to communicate this to most of the people in my life.

A little while ago, when I was getting sick of my old working role, my dad told me that after so many years, I had effectively trained my boss like a seal to expect my full attention, efforts and punctuality. However, he, my friends and my family haven't completely understood the changes I've been going through over the past 2-3 years, just as they probably didn't understand how addicted I really became when I got my first gameboy and Pokemon, before moving to consoles and finally, the computer for a very long time now.

My dad praised my patience yesterday without acknowledging or confessing what we both probably understood warranted that patience. So I'll continue to make use of that, at the very least. I might come back to edit a little bit, but for now - peace

~ Matt

 

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April 20

I'll say this for evening shifts to finish off a day, they were something I had to stay up on duty for, so I did. This evening, even though I put my whole posterior into an at-short-notice workout in the same room as my Dad and friend, I've come home and had vegetables supplemented by a couple of his seasoned chicken legs, and I still have the 'cold' feeling; daylight saving is over and it's dark by 6 o'clock, and all I want to do is either laze or go mad exercising further, like I did as a teenager. I'm back typing here because of our shared inspiration and because I'm so used to working my keyboard - writing is different and I'm still not sure if I should cramp my hand whilst going too 'deep' on paper. 

Today, I spelt tournament as 'tournmant' at the same keyboard to my Dad, and he didn't pick me up on it. I wonder if that's cosmic in any way because I've stopped enforcing my little codes on others; I merely want to be surer that people's lives are actually improving when they come into contact with my own. I still would have welcomed something like "you're reading your most complex novel yet and you make a mistake like that?!". Lol - I'm 2/3 through 'Sophie's Choice', to clarify.

________________

Gratitude:

~ The on-and-off rain today lightened for a leisurely walk

~ I had just enough strength for a side-bend and 'torsonator twist' workout lasting ~45 minutes, using the same hunkered barbell - lots of fun <.<

~ Better focus on what I'm actually doing off of the computer, or off of games as a whole (making tea/lunch/cleaning etc)
~ Last night, 3 of us from our men's group spontaneously recommitted to going to the event 2 hours before, as I finished typing yesterday's post. I figure now that a whole day's planning/anticipation might have fudged it for us at this stage anyway. Props to the other two.

Happy weekend again + peace,

~ Matt

Edited by wheatbiscuit
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