Matt's Journal

[wheatbiscuit]

7 hours ago, Ikar said:

How is the job search coming along? Is there anything relevant for you? I think going somewhere for a few hours a day, learning something new, providing value to other people and getting paid in the process is a good idea overall 😄 

"Clicking around" is a part of many jobs, so it is a skill, or at least a part of some skills. It doesn't matter if they're paid or not, but people normally give others money for things they don't want to do themselves.

- The tasks of pizza-making and doing the dishes were perfectly relevant to me. If I were less intolerant of people exercising control over me, or if my boss were less intolerant of dissenting opinions, perhaps I would have continued to move heaven and earth for him and the others there.

- People have told me to try all sorts of things, but today I only realised that I'm now pretty much more afraid of not working than I am engaging in proper dissent. Each time I was 'righteously indignant' and paused, or turned to face my boss, he'd immediately say 'No, please, just make the pizzas!'.

a) I feel like my spatial awareness and planning abilities are set in place. What it seems I have to simply do is pay more attention to people and things so that I can learn from them. That's what I try to do, without upsetting people or things that I don't know very well.

b) Yeah, it always kind of made sense, my boss being good at 'slapping together' a pizza and its ingredients but not really enjoying the repetition and process as I did. I guess the difference between it and clicking around on my game was that I felt bad when I didn't click fast or accurately enough, and could result in loss of e-value. Certainly, topping a pizza 'incorrectly' with a piece of salami was as easily-fixed as kind of a reflex. It literally seemed like art; painting a food-picture. I liked it. But I don't think I should expect to be able to, even with others' help, transform my old workplace into the happy space it once was (I came to know it in the final years as a very depressing space). I am still applying for work in kitchens 25% of the time.

 

Edited May 8 by wheatbiscuit
grammar

[wheatbiscuit]

May 8

A few times now, being halfway through this book @Pochatok recommended me, I've wanted to go back and 'school' the community on my RPG(s), or at least assert things better. I remember 10+ years ago on another version when my 'separation of tasks' was 'good', and I mainly encouraged people who had some kind of vision already. I know that creating an image and trying to get people to follow that is ultimately not what I want. E.G., a few times I had to get my butt handed back to me while playing the game to remind me of the value in that; I went in too 'strong' at first. Some people still confused me back then, of course.

One time, I didn't 'forthrightly' enough ask a cafe in the process of closing if I could borrow their can opener for my communal can of fish to share with two other teenagers, as an elderly lady who was listening told me afterward - perhaps on other days being of similar character to those who lament not being offered a young person's seat in exactly the right manner. Before I'd met those teenagers, I was an A-grade performer in offering up my seat on public transport.

_________________

I remember the moment I received 'the best loot' I'd ever had on my online game early this year. I wasn't in the middle of anything pressing - in fact, I actually carelessly said out loud that 'I love you Jesus (this is the moment)' almost without any attachment. I knew that the odds were something like the equivalent of 300 hours' of the same gaming 'experience' (to use one word), but it probably felt the same as winning the lottery would. I would ask anyone, "Do you know the biggest relief? That nobody would really care about the first event. Because winning the lottery would surely be one of the worst things that could happen to me, I think." Sure, I told my Dad about it, because I wanted to convince him that I was unattached to the result of that gaming session, and that I would indeed be giving it up any week then-about - and I helped him understand that it was only 'worth' a very small fraction of a week's real-world salary - but mostly that I felt undeserving of that reward, because of how little fun I was having with other people when I got it. That's something I've just admitted to myself.

_________________

Gratitude:

~ only getting rained on for 5 minutes whilst out

~ not letting myself become significantly angry - I still feel like I can't convince myself quickly enough verbally of what I think I already know about upsetting situations when alone, but there remains a success

~ today hasn't seemed to hinge on my planned workout's completion, probably because I beat a lot of discomfort on this morning's walk - might update with what I actually do, again

~ the friendliness in a new shop I visited this afternoon

Happy Wednesday,

~ Matt

 

Edited May 8 by wheatbiscuit

[wheatbiscuit]

May 9 (morning again)

Gratitude:

~ I wasn't discouraged enough during my warm-up walk to not enter the gym. I was able to remind myself that my mood would likely stay low-ish if I didn't try to do something. It was a compromise of hack squats, between going all-out as planned and giving in to 'just chest pressing'

~ I got to watch the sky turn from dark to light whilst actually lifting!

~ the curry I was able to make last night and finish eating an hour ago

~ y'all's participation here online 😉 

_______________________

It was never easy, feeling like I was the only one taking (sometimes foolish) steps forward in social situations with the family, and in primary school. I chose to take the easier path of socialising online, also feeling like I couldn't chase my dad up for advice every night after he'd moved out. 

I think that in the beginning on Mondays, after spending the weekend with him, I arrived for some very happy high-school days because I hadn't 'needed' gaming. My then-best friend had a harder time whilst we were studying together because it was only his mom and sometimes grandmother too, and he even told me that he felt it was up to him to take care of the household, at thirteen. When one of those two brothers I chatted with last weekend asked me if my parents were one of those separations, or whether I simply had 'two Christmases', I wanted to say both, but the honest matter was that I had 2 at least - 'Spoilt', I said.

Today at the gym, I took note of two people who were training. One I only overheard greeting another in a slightly-camp but also very loving way, and wished I were that far into relationships with women I fancy. The other was a very lean and slightly muscular man a few years older than me, who looked fairly intimidated as he waited for his personal trainer to set up some weights for him. The gym was packed with people. I wanted to take a few steps over and say 'this morning is going to go well for you, and if not, I've got your back', but I felt like I had to wait for eye contact, or else we'd miss that initial moment of trust to advance from. It's silly, but my improvisational talking ability when I feel things like that suffers quite a bit still. Maybe next time.

Gotta get up again. Til later,

~ Matt

 

 

[Yan]

3 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

~ I wasn't discouraged enough during my warm-up walk to not enter the gym. I was able to remind myself that my mood would likely stay low-ish if I didn't try to do something. It was a compromise of hack squats, between going all-out as planned and giving in to 'just chest pressing'

~ I got to watch the sky turn from dark to light whilst actually lifting!

Hit the gas mate, every day you wake up, the count is 0 🙂

[wheatbiscuit]

May 11 

Summary:

I was all about cheering myself up yesterday. It's been a little while since I woke up glad to smell the air and hear background noises outside, as I usually did last year's detox. I remember @DanielG saying that relapsing again, after discovering there is a problem, makes quitting again more difficult - for a couple of reasons I can think of.

Basically, during the day I spent 5 largely guiltless hours at a social club an hour away, then had a shared dinner. I was rained on pretty heavily for 10 minutes again on the way back, and the bus was filling up, but it wasn't too much of a worry.

Last night fixed my sleep, as I hoped. Yesterday morning I did my walking circuit at a very odd hour because I gave in to sleep at 6pm. I've been wondering whether many of my journal entries makes for frustrating reading, because I haven't posted more along the lines of, "OMG I got the job!!!" or "We finally kissed!@". I'd probably type about those things in almost the same manner as the rest of this entry. I'm not pessimistic, but I usually like to stop myself at a certain level of happiness - not only to avoid mania, but also because it hurts less when someone almost cruelly snaps me back to reality, be it economic or a different kind. That's all.

______________

Gratitude:
~ saw my mom

~ kind of patched up in chat with the men's group because I had posted detractively when sad

~ the people at the social club forgave me for being sad

~ still received DOMS from my not-so-intense workout

So I also hear by deduction, giving away peace is supposed to be hard if I haven't got enough myself, but it is how I am as default. Wishing you all the same kind of peace,

~ Matt

 

 

Edited May 11 by wheatbiscuit
tagging

[Yan]

21 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

Edit: For a regular post I'll be prouder of

Not sure I understand. (Anyway wanted to say that I wanted to correct myself a bit and say that every day is a new opportunity to prove yourself (because the count is not exactly 0 but it is pretty close. You have your momentum and background, but today you decide what you're going to do all over again 🙂 )

[wheatbiscuit]

~ The Courage to be Disliked - Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga ~

I decided to post about this book here for two reasons: 1) Most of the feedback I gave on books recommended to me by a friend was on Discord, and I typed too much there. 2) I think enough of it relates to the journeys people here are on that come with addiction; even to ways of thinking about it. This is not a review - because I'm no expert critic - but I thought maybe other people aside from @Pochatok, who shared this book openly, might also find an 'in'/reason to give it a try. 

Edit: I recommended the 'Silo' trilogy last year, and still kind of do - I loaned the first one to a friend last month. Hugh Howey is the author.

____________________

The thing that's sticking in my memory the most is the idea of generally having either vertical or horizontal relationships, almost like a (cartesian) plane in maths. It is really hard to successfully avoid talking down to people in any way whatsoever, but the dialogue in the book basically highlights an importance of making horizontal relationships a habit. To use another related point from the book, one solution is to see other people as comrades, not enemies. I take an unfortunate lyric (sarcastic or otherwise) from one of my favourite singers, 'Strength means blessed with an enemy'. That really only felt true for me when I had few friends, as a much younger boy, and when I rarely felt a moment of peace. 'Us/me against the world' is another one which I don't think stands the test of time.

For another, the most often repeated statement was 'All problems are interpersonal relationship problems'. I think one argument from the youth was, "But of course! Climbing the social ladder is all that matters/the only purpose we've got, right?" - I paraphrase because I'm not at the stage of whipping the book open to quote from yet. But actually, the (Alfred 'Adlerian') philosopher was saying that people have fears of simply having healthy relationships with whomever, wherever. If one gives a relationship a sincere effort, to discover a complete lack of virtues (or something or other), he briefly suggests severing it, but also saying that (I think) without enthusiasm. The point being giving a horizontal relationship an honest try. As Cam says of gaming friends, perhaps never having seen the intricacies of the other person/people's faces and their reactions, a lot of those relationships can turn out to be superficial and stagnate when the game is no longer played or shared. I confess to 'clearing' my game's 'friends list' regularly a few times every year, back in the day. It really says something.

--> There are more things of course, and I should say that reading a book that is pure dialogue can become addictive and even dramatic in the mind. The writing made that mostly worth it though.

I am grateful for Po's sharing this alongside a particularly helpful post while journalling, which made me mentally kick myself until I actually committed to checking it out. As I said to my mom last night, even someone like me can usually trace the knowledge or idea(s) that another individual, not myself, put forward, and that that gives it more weight in my mind to consider than the average rumination I might get on my own.

Good luck for the weekend, 

~ Matt

Edited May 11 by wheatbiscuit

[Yan]

3 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

~ The Courage to be Disliked - Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga ~

I decided to post about this book here for two reasons: 1) Most of the feedback I gave on books recommended to me by a friend was on Discord, and I typed too much there. 2) I think enough of it relates to the journeys people here are on that come with addiction; even to ways of thinking about it. This is not a review - because I'm no expert critic - but I thought maybe other people aside from @Pochatok, who shared this book openly, might also find an 'in'/reason to give it a try. 

Edit: I recommended the 'Silo' trilogy last year, and still kind of do - I loaned the first one to a friend last month. Hugh Howey is the author.

____________________

The thing that's sticking in my memory the most is the idea of generally having either vertical or horizontal relationships, almost like a (cartesian) plane in maths. It is really hard to successfully avoid talking down to people in any way whatsoever, but the dialogue in the book basically highlights an importance of making horizontal relationships a habit. To use another related point from the book, one solution is to see other people as comrades, not enemies. I take an unfortunate lyric (sarcastic or otherwise) from one of my favourite singers, 'Strength means blessed with an enemy'. That really only felt true for me when I had few friends, as a much younger boy, and when I rarely felt a moment of peace. 'Us/me against the world' is another one which I don't think stands the test of time.

For another, the most often repeated statement was 'All problems are interpersonal relationship problems'. I think one argument from the youth was, "But of course! Climbing the social ladder is all that matters/the only purpose we've got, right?" - I paraphrase because I'm not at the stage of whipping the book open to quote from yet. But actually, the (Alfred 'Adlerian') philosopher was saying that people have fears of simply having healthy relationships with whomever, wherever. If one gives a relationship a sincere effort, to discover a complete lack of virtues (or something or other), he briefly suggests severing it, but also saying that (I think) without enthusiasm. The point being giving a horizontal relationship an honest try. As Cam says of gaming friends, perhaps never having seen the intricacies of the other person/people's faces and their reactions, a lot of those relationships can turn out to be superficial and stagnate when the game is no longer played or shared. I confess to 'clearing' my game's 'friends list' regularly a few times every year, back in the day. It really says something.

--> There are more things of course, and I should say that reading a book that is pure dialogue can become addictive and even dramatic in the mind. The writing made that mostly worth it though.

I am grateful for Po's sharing this alongside a particularly helpful post while journalling, which made me mentally kick myself until I actually committed to checking it out. As I said to my mom last night, even someone like me can usually trace the knowledge or idea(s) that another individual, not myself, put forward, and that that gives it more weight in my mind to consider than the average rumination I might get on my own.

Good luck for the weekend, 

~ Matt

Hey, regarding making friends not enemies, I'd suggest the book "The Little Book of Stoicism" By Jonas Salzgeber, I listened to it about 7 times or so. It has a pretty awesome way to look on relationships in my opinion, which allows you peace of mind. It says something to the gist of "To make mistakes is human, to forgive is godlike" and "Even if men do harm it is because that is the best way they know to act at the moment, and even then when they harm others its okay to forgive them, because even if they initially intended to do so, it still doesn't mean its not a mistake" "Because we men are made for each other, we are made to be a part of a whole, we are brothers, being angry at others or keeping grudge simply hurts ourselves, not the other person" "on the contrary if they're angry at us it hurts them, we do not have to react in the same way." all these are very rough outlines and "sketchy word illustrations" I'd really suggest the book 🙂

[wheatbiscuit]

May 12

Summary:

I did fall out of the habit of just typing a summary post - you know, events only. However, when emotions such as joy or sadness built up unexpressed in the past, I usually gave in to unpredictable releases of them - here, texting, calling or other means. I think that's why I've been posting so frequently. Today, I woke up feeling neutral to the beginning sounds of the morning. That's OK, and better than disturbed or manic. I did try to do dishes, clothes and tea all at once though. 

Yesterday was a weighted walk, time spent (including a game on my lego chess set - I slowly sacrificed my pieces and eventually lost to make it more fun) with one of the mates, and then squeezed a successful lifting session in right before closing time. It's Mother's Day, and I may have an invitation to a trip to my grandma's. 

Gratitude (for yesterday):

~ found a copy of the book @Yan put forward

~ maybe my mate's commitment to not 'oversharing' as much as me

~ feeling like 'one of the guys' just trying to get a workout in last night

~ tea (shared during the chess game)

Peace,

~ Matt

 

[Yan]

5 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

May 12

~ found a copy of the book @Yan put forward

 

 

U da best 😉 Don't forget to let me know how it was, I'd love to hear that!!!

[Ikar]

On 5/11/2024 at 1:23 AM, wheatbiscuit said:

The thing that's sticking in my memory the most is the idea of generally having either vertical or horizontal relationships, almost like a (cartesian) plane in maths. It is really hard to successfully avoid talking down to people in any way whatsoever, but the dialogue in the book basically highlights an importance of making horizontal relationships a habit. To use another related point from the book, one solution is to see other people as comrades, not enemies. I take an unfortunate lyric (sarcastic or otherwise) from one of my favourite singers, 'Strength means blessed with an enemy'. That really only felt true for me when I had few friends, as a much younger boy, and when I rarely felt a moment of peace. 'Us/me against the world' is another one which I don't think stands the test of time.

I also remember the time I envied people, for example a girlfriend, but that's luckily been a few years. The last "enemy" I've had was maybe 2-3 years ago. He's a financial adviser. The main quarrel I had with him was that he tried to manipulate me to believe him (invest with him), while I had clearly better investment offers on the table. He kept ignoring my objective (number) questions/suggestions, because he a) didn't know and hadn't done the math himself or b) did know, but wanted to keep me as a client because of the fees going to him through the products. Maybe wearing a nice suit and talking about a money future (without half the important numbers) works well on most people, but I am not most people 😄

The "us against the world" is a flawed mechanic, but I wouldn't underestimate the number of people who actually believe it. It's also the main policy of many countries and religions. If people could just "snap out of it", it'd be great, but alas they don't.

On 5/11/2024 at 1:23 AM, wheatbiscuit said:

As Cam says of gaming friends, perhaps never having seen the intricacies of the other person/people's faces and their reactions, a lot of those relationships can turn out to be superficial and stagnate when the game is no longer played or shared. I confess to 'clearing' my game's 'friends list' regularly a few times every year, back in the day. It really says something.

It's true that gamers are not the masters of relationships, but stopping contact after quitting a shared hobby is quite normal. There have been many people I have met during the last 5 years. They were fun, interesting and everything, but there's just not enough time to meet everybody, people live far etc.

[wheatbiscuit]

15 hours ago, Ikar said:

I also remember the time I envied people, for example a girlfriend, but that's luckily been a few years. The last "enemy" I've had was maybe 2-3 years ago. He's a financial adviser. The main quarrel I had with him was that he tried to manipulate me to believe him (invest with him), while I had clearly better investment offers on the table. He kept ignoring my objective (number) questions/suggestions, because he a) didn't know and hadn't done the math himself or b) did know, but wanted to keep me as a client because of the fees going to him through the products. Maybe wearing a nice suit and talking about a money future (without half the important numbers) works well on most people, but I am not most people 😄

The "us against the world" is a flawed mechanic, but I wouldn't underestimate the number of people who actually believe it. It's also the main policy of many countries and religions. If people could just "snap out of it", it'd be great, but alas they don't.

It's true that gamers are not the masters of relationships, but stopping contact after quitting a shared hobby is quite normal. There have been many people I have met during the last 5 years. They were fun, interesting and everything, but there's just not enough time to meet everybody, people live far etc.

That was a good post! My 'nemesis' for 2 years gaming was just someone also playing for free, whose mining movements (clicks) were unpredictable and often disruptive to my pattern. Heh. Otherwise, there were simply the people I worked with who chose bad times (for me) to offer critiques. The worst response I had to those was a firm/slightly louder 'that's not helpful', during which I accidentally toppled the metal pizza spade from its leaning position to crash to the floor whilst cleaning - and my workmate theatrically stepped back in silence, perhaps hoping to convey to the boss, 'wow, see? what a loose cannon!' I still laugh to myself about it, knowing how untrue that would have been back then. 

My favourite song for a few months literally sang those words - 'me against the world'. I suddenly stopped playing it the next new year. For me, I guess it was the anthem of one of several phases on my game - or until I got the latest Sum 41 album for Christmas 😆. Somewhat relatedly, my brother (he having developed mostly healthily) once said that my game 'wrecked' me. Not poetically stated, but I would now say in reply that people like me sort of need a choice between two 'worlds' at many times. What I wouldn't underestimate either would be the design/layout discussions over the game's creation; the hours of brainstorming and debating, and the like. The same as fiction authors (e.g. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings). My second world would be raw numbers, by choice, but ever since I was really alerted to the notion of 'acceptable' human interactions years ago by my ex, I've been paying attention to emotions and stuff. Maybe that's just as well, who knows?

Edited May 12 by wheatbiscuit
re-reading

[wheatbiscuit]

May 13 (Monday evening)

Gratitude:

~ determination from IDK-where to get a workout done without whining to myself

~ finally available ripe avocados :X

~ (more edible items) - frozen vegetables

~ the knitting-together of people

Summary:

You know, if I didn't say evening, I could still be with the majority(?) of the world (00:00 a.m.- now) sitting on just 'Monday'. But I wanted to highlight that it's been basically 2 days since I summarised activities. 

Reading this 2nd book online this year about stoicism made me feel OK to 'check in' on one version of my game. I didn't perform any regular tasks or click toward any points. I even gave away a few shields/weapons. 

Unfortunately, I think I may have been 'paid back' by way of not being responded to on Mother's day about a trip to my nan's. After considering that briefly, I thought about how amusing it is that I've had the stoicism book to read at the time. My mom told me that my dad is retiring, and I did think that I would rather have heard it from him - but based on my experience, he would probably have admitted it quietly in a mock-shy manner whilst busy with something other task at the same time. I don't feel unhappy about this, but it does reflect his much more unimpressive and occasionally kind of aggressive/violent side.

________________

On the positive, well, I weighed myself at the gym, and I'm beginning to understand that I really need a lot (and even more) of vigorous physical activity if I am to maintain what I still think are normal eating habits for the most part. I am willing to do this in more creative ways. The stoicism book has repeated the term 'warrior philosophers' many times, and while I think that is somewhat grandiose, it appeals to the side of me that wishes to be able to defend my sensitivity - lol, speaking of red flags. So I dunno. I'm also ready to pick up almost any physical book at bedtime again after several days of falling straight to sleep once in bed. 'The 100 year old man who climbed out the window and disappeared' hasn't quite 'done it' for me, for which I'm disappointed in myself because it would mark 3 books read from my nan's library. Maybe it's good that the choice of returning it almost vanished yesterday. That's all.

Peace,

~ Matt

 

[wheatbiscuit]

~ The Little Book of Stoicism, by Jonas Salzjeber ~

Book #2 recommended here (that I read) by @Yan:

So there were 5 chapters, the 5th and final one comprised of fifty-five (55) stoic practices, which I paid the most attention to. I noticed while googling that someone on Reddit tried to live one of them for that many consecutive days. Creative!

_____________

Before I just get lost in thought at the keyboard, I'll list my favourite of the practices, some with a note or quote (some might simply have to be read in the book to appreciate):

Practice 33 - ‘Other-ise’ - Treat/speak to yourself as you would your best friend, or vice versa if you already treat/speak to yourself well.

Practice 34 - ‘Take the Bird’s Eye View’ 

Practice 36 - ‘Meat is Dead Animal; Observe Objectively’

Practice 41 - Find Your Own Faults - I would not deny others the same benefits from a similar journey nor condemn them for the same mistakes I made; still, I ask questions about those things for both of our benefits

Practice 45 - How to Deal With Insults - CRUCIAL

Practice 49 - Put Yourself in Other People’s Shoes - ‘Maybe you would do the same if you were in their situation; who knows?’

Practice 54 - Listen With the Intent to Understand - “Better to trip with the feet than with the tongue.”

_____________

I've also gone back quickly to recommend some more of the practices important to me before #30, in the first half of my reading yesterday. But I've decided it's probably easier to list those I half-ignored, because everything pre-#30 are mostly enlightening as well. So, with caution, consider:

Practice 12 - Stoic Aphorisms: Keep Your "Weapons" Ready at Hand (maybe it's because people had those 'weapons' that they achieved some great successes and I admired them in the first place, but I soon grew tired when they (aphorisms) were repeated without memory, lol)

Practice 17 - Take Back Your Time: Cut Out News and Other Timewasters (I can really focus sometimes for long periods, so taking a break to skim the news (or 'doomscroll') nevertheless helps me to be somewhat up to date)

Practice 20 - What Do You Have to Show for Your Years? (in short, my memories)

^--> I've added my short reservation to each of the above, and even though I would now happily share discussions on them online here, it's probably more stoic to just open the book/file on odd days for a daily reflection like that Redditor to post in journals. Not sure. 

____________

Finally, it has always been a cool moment to see the 5 most recent posts on the right side of the forum's homepage being from 5 different authors - you know, for variety or even fairness. So for anyone a bit shyer on the internet, bump up or start some addiction-healing topics of your own, I say. ✌️

[Yan]

17 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

~ The Little Book of Stoicism, by Jonas Salzjeber ~

Book #2 recommended here (that I read) by @Yan:

So there were 5 chapters, the 5th and final one comprised of fifty-five (55) stoic practices, which I paid the most attention to. I noticed while googling that someone on Reddit tried to live one of them for that many consecutive days. Creative!

Wow, that was lightning speed of a read. Awesome! I don't think I actually wrote the exercises down, but because I re-listened to the book several times, when it came to difficult situations I changed y perspective, doing the best in the moment etc.  Again way to go! Stay awesome!

[wheatbiscuit]

May 14

Gaming/games in general fascinate me now as an idea. Our shared social failings as gamers on my chosen RPGs were glaring for years before my 2023 detox. Also that there are new games coming out all of the time surely demonstrates some sort of common need to conquer new challenges without leaving a seated position.

Take even soccer, my childhood sport, as a game. Until we as teenagers became too moody even to accept a team-building exercise of rugby one night (using the oval-shaped ball), the best part of being in the team was actually the training, for me. Representing a relatively well-off suburb in the Winter probably added to our sense of having 'made it' in terms of food/clothing/shelter. The year we disbanded was actually the most stable for me, as I'd started grinding my RPG in a very repetitive, 'nooby', yet 'structured' way. That combined with emotional music was enough for me. Funny.

^ But last year, I read the near-conclusion of a book that 'poverty of the soul' was one 'part' of society's actual problem. That phrase returns several google results as well. Another book, recommended by the same person, detailed one tough-but-rewarding day in a forced labour camp last century. I'm wondering what my beneficial struggle ought to be and at what point in-between offline and online it will be at. If spirituality is just cyclical, say, would I do almost exactly the same things again but not expect different results - except perhaps increased raw knowledge? 

AND alot of ^ that is an attempt to justify going back to those first gaming habits. On the weekend I asked the mate I was with to confirm what someone who's transcended all of their life's challenges looks like - whether they sit back in a chair (complacently?) and just watch/listen to the rest of us until they are asked to give advice or something, or what? He said 'yeah'. 

My parents wanted me to have their actual and verbose answers to most of my questions, I think. So I was never satisfied online when people put them too simply. That also led me to believe that, when among most of my peers, my answers were the best - and that I had them all. I don't think that's done all the good it was meant to, put simply. :') 

So I say to the ether, 'Your move, chief.'

~ Matt

Edit: 2 songs to evoke emotion = Fisherman's Blues (The Waterboys) + The Black Swan (Story of the Year)

Edited Tuesday at 07:34 AM by wheatbiscuit
music

[wheatbiscuit]

May 15-16

So I wrote the next paragraph down by hand yesterday - I want to show the difference between more artistic posts at the keyboard and the following; it feels more frantic and desperate, which is why I never liked it much. It may improve if I keep it up, but yesterday I scared myself with something like 100 words written without remembering to blink.

-> "I've done almost as much self-motivation as possible in silence, without 'excessive' stimulation, and alone. My earphones stopped working 2 weeks ago. Whoever were responsible for realising society, I thank, for it led to the creation (eventually) of my favourite music. This existence - 🤕 - of mine flourished at a time when so much good music had already been made, and was readily available, so I didn't have to do much detailed creation. What I did do, alongside my natural imagination, strengthened certain pathways that I must now nurture, at least in significant enough part, to continue to move 'forward'. So, I shall seek out new earphones and replay music accordingly, and with peaceful intent."

^ It doesn't help that I've reviewed too much of my left-handed writing and compared it occasionally with others' in the past, - deciding who and what our 'styles' may reflect - that's partly why I like web posts. I think I'd like to keep them separate, but since that entry was about earphone/personally chosen music use, I want to ask everyone whether it's something that should be avoided unless brought up in conversation/for appropriate, shared listening - you know, for social/personal development reasons. That's all.

___________

Gratitude:

~ I might actually finish reading 'The 100 year old man who, etc'

~ Doing almost nothing yesterday except buying low-price earphones, which might explain today's first, energetic walk

~ Having something and deciding to write felt like brain exercise

~ It is kind of sad, but I was grateful for being able to avoid a few people when I felt I was just walking around like an open wound

Huzzah! 

~ Matt

[Pochatok]

On 5/10/2024 at 7:23 PM, wheatbiscuit said:

As Cam says of gaming friends, perhaps never having seen the intricacies of the other person/people's faces and their reactions, a lot of those relationships can turn out to be superficial and stagnate when the game is no longer played or shared

wow, thank you for this- i'm realizing how much more closed off i've been w/ a lot of people around me. i'm not making that effort of reaching across, and i've been making plenty of my relationships superficial. i really should give people more of a chance!

glad the book resonated w/ you; perhaps i should revisit it myself haha

[Ikar]

On 5/14/2024 at 7:14 AM, wheatbiscuit said:

^ But last year, I read the near-conclusion of a book that 'poverty of the soul' was one 'part' of society's actual problem. That phrase returns several google results as well. Another book, recommended by the same person, detailed one tough-but-rewarding day in a forced labour camp last century. I'm wondering what my beneficial struggle ought to be and at what point in-between offline and online it will be at. If spirituality is just cyclical, say, would I do almost exactly the same things again but not expect different results - except perhaps increased raw knowledge? 

AND alot of ^ that is an attempt to justify going back to those first gaming habits. On the weekend I asked the mate I was with to confirm what someone who's transcended all of their life's challenges looks like - whether they sit back in a chair (complacently?) and just watch/listen to the rest of us until they are asked to give advice or something, or what? He said 'yeah'. 

My parents wanted me to have their actual and verbose answers to most of my questions, I think. So I was never satisfied online when people put them too simply. That also led me to believe that, when among most of my peers, my answers were the best - and that I had them all. I don't think that's done all the good it was meant to, put simply. :') 

I think the assumption in the first paragraph is correct; it is possible to have a meaningful time/life without owning much. I would say that the average Western citizen today has "more money" than they have "mental health". Money doesn't necessarily solve mental health on its own, though you can change it for therapy and other things. In fact, I think money can sometimes show mental health, such as with people who borrow money for holidays or Christmas gifts. Don't ask me why, I don't know either 😄

As for the next paragraph, I think even if somebody "has it all figured out", I think it still takes effort to keep all the things together. Entropy is real and new information becomes available over time. So, I think it's possible to have most of the "answers of life" correct, but this intellectual exercise is nothing compared to putting these answers into practice.

The last one is interesting. I think I read something a long time ago that said that if people wrote in a too complicated and verbose way, they a) wanted to impress by being incomprehensible and b) thought to be superior to others who don't know the vocabulary. I like to be creative with words and to play with the vocabulary myself, but at the end of the day, language is for communication with other people. I often break down language to basic elements (or change the level of my speech) to help my students understand - i.e. "talkative" is "somebody who talks a lot". I wouldn't have a job otherwise 😄 

[wheatbiscuit]

May 17-18 

Friday: Woke up late but went straight to the park for a ~1 hour jog. Called the social club as we arranged last week if I slept in/couldn't come, and talked for a bit. Then I headed straight out to a men's group event somewhat far away, and almost messed it up on public transport.

Saturday: Another late morning (9am), and figured I needed to stretch my legs walking before a gym visit in a little while. It's been colder and windier today, so I put on some music over the howling noise and discomfort of it all. 

Gratitude: 

~ the lads took it easy on me, maybe just for arriving 10 minutes late, perhaps as well as deciding to miss last Sunday's gym event on Mother's Day
~ escaping unhurt from crossing a few lanes of traffic when late

~ the chicken burger dinner I had at the event last night; the slab of meat was a very funny shape, and stuck out around the sides lol

~ everyone I see around in places who are still doing kitchen work and who are getting 'in the zone'

___________

It's been 7-10 days since I texted back-and-forth with my dad. His heart may well have been in it, but I just don't see it, and keep letting myself become infuriated. His phone number is blocked at the moment (but we're still on social media, with the last friendly message sent being mine), because even after him saying that he would be using it to 'reach' me, I couldn't take his style; staring at my phone, wondering how to respond thoughtfully enough with my two thumbs at my smartphone. 

Whilst being on these forums, with the two social groups and generally outside on my own may get me most of what I need, it's tough and yet maybe healthy not relying on one source of it all, especially when I'm so frequently upset with the relationship. I still split the rent with my dad, and even though there's tons of emotional regulation work for both of us regarding people whose strengths are quite obviously equal to ours, I can hardly just say that to him because I think I'll probably hear something like 'it's all on you, Matt - and maybe the rent should be too'. That's really tough.

Anyway, peace guys.

~ Matt

 

Edited Saturday at 02:03 AM by wheatbiscuit

[Yan]

27 minutes ago, wheatbiscuit said:

May 17-18 

His phone number is blocked at the moment (but we're still on social media, with the last friendly message sent being mine), because even after him saying that he would be using it to 'reach' me, I couldn't take his style; staring at my phone, wondering how to respond thoughtfully enough with my two thumbs at my smartphone. 

It's surely only part of the story, but my way to cope with message overwhelm is that I first turned off my whatsapp notifications. So that I don't hear them or it doesn't vibrate and i don't have the phone flashing from it. Then I just set a habit of opening it only once a day along with any social media(Even if I accidentally open it because I need some data and see some messages I do not answer unless its related to a current task directly.) Also If I really need someone I do allow myself to call them. And if it was important enough to call them or physically do some action, then I may use messages as part of what I'm "currently doing", this takes effort to create like any other habit, but I think it's more useful than blocking anyone. In this case at least I'll have the opportunity to see and respond to what they have to say 🙂
Hope this helps. 

 

[wheatbiscuit]

May 19

Early sleep, early rise. Two vivid dreams: 1) being lost in a countryside, accidentally travelling further away from the city and encountering more and more obstacles + 2) doing some competent skiing, but accidentally snapping one ski in two (it was made entirely of wood, lol) then ditching the poles as well, in the hope of just replacing everything for free! - (I typed those so I can remember for later)

I was also drawn to a video (I hope not to get anyone stuck on a watching-spree) about pain and pleasure, and seeking pain instead - so that unexpected pleasure is more fulfilling. I had a few thoughts/reflections on this.

1) In 2010's mid-year Winter, I swam weekly in a 50 metre outdoor pool, first inspired by a friend who gamed with me. He has since passed away young a few years ago - one schoolmate of both of ours said that 'he was always pushing it (the 'envelope') further and further', but (I'm told) his life actually ended with one or a couple of bad recreational choices. It makes me wonder if others pressured him. Back during 2010, I also took entirely cold showers. It was the moments of 'steeling' myself before entering the water that carried over to other activities like starting an essay, or opening my maths books for homework - after choosing a good moment to turn off the TV in the evening and commence action (albeit while my mom watched as well <.<). I still finish showers with cold water, but after a first half of warm and usually post-exercise, or if I'm to go out and meet someone. I don't remember consistently feeling as acutely alive, or maybe even as productive, as I did then. I think those new actions of mine were strongly in part to simply knowing that my friend existed and that he swam many mornings a week, before the sun had even come up, among his other efforts.

2) With gaming, but only alongside stable studies, I was able to focus on on-screen results when I had spare time, and sometimes I felt even detached from the rush of images when 'travelling', or honed in on 'combat', and watched mine and other players' choices of clicks really naturally. Most of that happened pre-medication, though there was a last 'gasp' of it in 2016. Then, existence became, ironically, painfully mindful. So I often haven't actually had to try so hard; I remember more clearly the pleasure that usually follows pain, and I also remember the most effective processes (for me) in the gym, or outdoors. 

3) But with socialising, I've felt like medication has held me back. Sure, I don't prance around in a high-pitched voice, babbling about anything and everything when potentially manic anymore - I was functional then, it was just that I 'got along' with a lot fewer people. The trouble is, I keep hearing and affirming that having 'a few good friends' is sometimes best. Having been reading my old ethics textbook for 'fun', I also feel compelled to be as good as I can whilst thinking independently/for myself about issues - also as medication has kept me mostly agreeable when there is also an activity to focus on. 

^ I would have mentioned some of these things to my psychiatrist already and had a medication review, but it's only officially planned for early next year, unless I have a crisis. I sometimes guess that the way I type concerns other people (as well as myself, sometimes) enough to think that I'm actually already in one. My old care team is only a stroll away, is what I keep in mind, for now.

--> So what positive experiences have come out of choosing to take pains for you guys? 

______________

Gratitude:

~ being able to use earphones while lifting with a 'hex' bar

~ letting some odd, but effective in rhythm, music play during ^ 

~ my dad sending what I saw as a tentative message online (one medium) instead of to my phone (the other medium), almost at the same time as my unblocking his number; I feel more open to pain after motivating myself for a few weeks, but not at the hands (or thumbs) of my phone - so I still pray for mercy there

~ warm clothes when I'd had enough of shorts and open windows

Long time since last post (heh) - peace, and hope to read more of y'all

~ Matt

 

 

 

 

[Ikar]

On 5/18/2024 at 4:00 AM, wheatbiscuit said:

I still split the rent with my dad, and even though there's tons of emotional regulation work for both of us regarding people whose strengths are quite obviously equal to ours, I can hardly just say that to him because I think I'll probably hear something like 'it's all on you, Matt - and maybe the rent should be too'. That's really tough.

I don't have the work/living history mapped out for you and your family, so I don't know if the following is the case. Regardless, if your parents still support you in one way or another, they will want to have some influence over your life. The more existential the support is, the more influence they will exercise. Worse yet, they can still picture you as a child. Once you "break free" of their influence (e.g. by getting a job and paying the rent yourself or moving), they will have no choice but to treat you as an equal.

The above was certainly the case with me. I even fell back into that situation when I moved back in with my parents after finishing my army career. It's not something parents will tell their kids outright, but good parents should create incentives to make their kids independent. I got such an incentive when my parents imposed rent on me (for living in their house). I moved out to the student dorms (single room) in autumn 2019 and I guess my expenses/rent stayed more or less the same. 2020 was of course corona year, but I very much preferred to stay in the company of fellow students at the dorm than to move back home again. Really one of the best decisions I've ever made. 

7 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

The trouble is, I keep hearing and affirming that having 'a few good friends' is sometimes best.

I have just a few good friends, because I don't have much time to gather a bigger network. I also have work in the evening, meaning my socializing is mostly done with my students and they actually form a big part of my social life. It's an odd situation, because if I am presented with having lessons/working with my students and going out with (my) acquaintances, I mostly choose my students, because I paradoxically know them more, get paid and I also know the atmosphere will be positive and I know there won't be any strange dramas.

[wheatbiscuit]

17 hours ago, Ikar said:

I don't have the work/living history mapped out for you and your family, so I don't know if the following is the case. Regardless, if your parents still support you in one way or another, they will want to have some influence over your life. The more existential the support is, the more influence they will exercise. Worse yet, they can still picture you as a child. Once you "break free" of their influence (e.g. by getting a job and paying the rent yourself or moving), they will have no choice but to treat you as an equal.

The above was certainly the case with me. I even fell back into that situation when I moved back in with my parents after finishing my army career. It's not something parents will tell their kids outright, but good parents should create incentives to make their kids independent. I got such an incentive when my parents imposed rent on me (for living in their house). I moved out to the student dorms (single room) in autumn 2019 and I guess my expenses/rent stayed more or less the same. 2020 was of course corona year, but I very much preferred to stay in the company of fellow students at the dorm than to move back home again. Really one of the best decisions I've ever made.

(May 20)

The main thing I thought (for a few reasons) was that my parents needed me to be their friend, because I didn't completely ditch them for my own friends. After long periods spent online, I came back to the 'real' world (whether at the end of a day/week/month/year) and just felt sorry for them. I think how my younger brother went about his youth was natural and yet sad, because we had smartphones and the internet to - potentially - keep us connected. His phone's unavailable/answering machine message for awhile was simply a 'horse' noise - which I took to mean 'I'm busy galloping around with the other young steeds'.

I barely made any similar choices, but in the 6 months after my first (and arguably only meaningful) break up, I looked around - online and offline - for validation/acceptance and couldn't find it. So by the end of 2013 (having seen so many posters at uni offering shared rent, having spent 1 dutiful year working and also being in a volunteering experience), I was saying to myself and eventually my family that "I'm just going to go and be me, without any ties (unless you guys are in some sort of crisis, perhaps?)." I remember one or both of my parents asking incredulously, "What's all this about you moving out?" Either it would have been irresponsible to let me to properly join society as I was, or they needed me - because I just couldn't sense enough concern for my wellbeing. I've caught myself thinking that even though I was enough of my own person, the real need of my parents has merely been for confirmation that their job was 'done'. I mean, I don't think it was ever about concern for me - I would have to become an effective 'people manager' for my dad, or making sure 'weaker individuals' were always heard and celebrated for my mom, no matter how I actually saw things. I did try, by the way, but even that pleased them little.

Now, I feel like saying (especially since my Dad won't allow the past to be brought up) that it's too late to encourage me to now make the same choices that I would have at age 19. I've adapted too much to the role of filling empty spaces in other people's lives to suddenly demand that everyone else take a now-30-year-old's unmet needs seriously, clearly. 

_____________

But maybe this is just one of those 'walls of hate' that was mentioned coming from older members here on the forum, and I'm just incensed from not learning much about what was promised in a 1 hour+ video I just watched's title. Maybe just I'm sad that I may have to carve out a future with newly-chosen words outside of this apartment just to fit in (again), even if I'm not being 'me'.

_____________

Gratitude:

~ a good night's sleep

~ essentially-worded replies to both recent and 'difficult' posts in this journal

~ low potential for conflicts

~ this 2L water bottle

Peace,

~ Matt