DanielG

I barely post on here, so I wouldn't be a good yardstick for the community in general. I'm a random on the internet, if my words are enough to push you away after you've been journaling here for literal years, you're giving them a lot of power over your own well-being. Either that or you're simply using them as an excuse to disconnect yourself from a community that seems to have been a place where you felt welcomed enough to share openly and honestly about where you're at. If my response seemed insensitive, it was not intended to be. I come from the viewpoint that I have warped my relationship with video games to the point that going back to playing them would be a very dumb idea. That's where I'm coming from, and if I had reached the point where you are now someday, I'd want people to call me out on it. For me, that's compassion and understanding. Saying, roughly, "Hey, that thing that was hurting you a lot, you want to go back to that, really? That's a bad idea." Still, it is ultimately your own journey. I'm not super active on either the forums or the Discord these days, so even if you find my words irritating or disheartening, you won't be subject to them very often. Good luck to you.

There's a chapter in the basic text for another recovery program that describes the subtle insanity that is addiction. I will paraphrase here: "The idea that somehow, someday he will enjoy and control his (addiction) is the great obsession of every abnormal (gamer). The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death." If you are truly able to moderate and believe that the value of playing with that kind of fire is worth it, and believe that the arbitrary rules you have set on it will stop you from going down the all-familiar path, then I suppose this will message will be just another warning for other people to read. You even put warnings around your text and told people of the inherent danger and folly of what you are describing. Yet, you felt compelled to do it anyway. And you decided to cut out internet usage including what I'm going to assume is this forum, which I believe at its best serves as an accountability tool. It seems to me a recipe for disaster, and a good example of rationalization written in a forum post if it turns out badly. How can you call yourself in recovery from an addiction if you're actively using the thing you were addicted to? That's pretty wild. It is, ultimately, your decision, and while I might find it extremely questionable and irrational given the context of video game addiction, I'm just another random on the internet.

Take my opinion as just that, an opinion, but I think it would be pretty dumb to partake in something heavily video game adjacent, even if your intentions are good, this early on in your sobriety. Not an exact and fair comparison, but it might be like going to a wine tasting event as someone who just recently admitted they were alcoholic, who... works as a server/waiter or something. Yeah, you technically aren't drinking and are supposed to spit out the wine after you taste it. But do you really want to get that close to the thing that's been killing you spiritually, mentally, physically, when you're barely starting out this new path? As for resources either way, I'm not sure of any. Ultimately it's your decision.

Relieve me of the bondage of self, so I may better do Thy will. For some reason this comes up for me when I read your journal entry. Perhaps it might be helpful for you, I don't know. Often, the restrictions we chaff against are opportunities to practice good virtue, whether that be patience, diligence, prudence, or simply cultivating the ability to accept situations as they are. I suppose it could also be an opportunity, when we have set our own house into something approximating order, to speak candidly about the tyranny we might find ourselves exposed to. Anyway, back to lurking. Hope you all have a good day, internet strangers! ❤️

Hey Matt. Relapses suck. While not part of the solution, they are quite often part of the journey towards recovery from addiction. It might be worth the pain to fully learn how powerful your addiction is. I've heard other people share a similar experience to you; it wasn't some big thing that took them out, it was a bunch of little things. I know I'm not as active on the forums anymore, but I did think of you as my journal buddy since we started around the same time and were similar in terms of consistency. I know from others that the shame surrounding a relapse is powerful, and it takes a tremendous amount of courage to try again. I have great admiration and respect for people who do it. I'm not sure if I could if I ever went out. If you want to have a lengthier chat, feel free to reach out.

It's been some time since I've written in this public journal. I am writing this post as a more concrete break/finish for the thread. I am doing well. September was a regression in terms of physical activity, though I kept up most of the other things I wanted to do. I started a new position at an Irish pub that is walking distance from where I live, so I don't have to get up as early to get to work. The food is also much more interesting to make, and we do a lot of stuff in house, so I feel more accomplished and engaged as a cook. So far I've gotten along well with my co-workers, and the owner is quite nice as well. He has a thick Irish brogue though, so sometimes it's difficult to understand what he's saying. I am working through another set of steps (AA) with the men's group that meets on Sunday, even though I haven't been able to attend a meeting in a couple months. I've really connected with the work, and it's been exciting and uplifting revisiting the literature. I've been writing in a journal that incorporates a gratitude list/positive affirmation, as well as writing out more free form entries. I went to yoga last week and felt connected and serene throughout the practice, which was a great gift. I have been more consistent in meditation, and my prayers in the morning and the evening have been a steady practice. I have written out a vision/goal of where I want to be, mentally, spiritually, and physically, following a suggestion from a book I read. I have been more consistent with reading as well, actually. I also started taking cold showers. Some of the members of my Healthy Gamer coaching group had enthused about the benefits, so I gave it a shot. It's not nearly as uncomfortable as I thought it would be, and I've stuck to it for about 2 weeks now. Definitely wakes you up in the morning, hehe. I think it's helping build discipline, which is something I've thought more about incorporating into my day to day. It's one thing to dream about being a certain way, I think it's different working on it daily, no matter how small the steps are. So, I'll keep aiming upwards. I have a more tangible vision of where I'd like to go, internally anyway. I'm putting in the work day to day, sometimes a lot, sometimes a little. The sun is peaking out, so I'm going to head out to a coffee shop to read, and write out some more personal thoughts/reflections that are between me and God. I'll likely lurk on here every now and again. I wish you all the best in your own journey.

Wednesday journal on Thursday morning. I was feeling irritable after work. Nothing in particular happened to cause it, I believe I was just tired. The day itself was fairly uneventful. We postponed the barbecue we had planned for another day since a couple of our friends couldn't make it. Since I was tired and grumpy, I did not go for my workout and opted to go to bed early instead. It's the first time I've missed a workout since starting up again at the gym. I'm not overly concerned, and accept what happened. If it becomes a habitual thing I'll address it. One Thing That Went Well Today: I did not lash out when I was feeling irritable. Gratitude: I am grateful for the sound of rain. I am grateful for the fall. I am grateful for comfy clothes. Reading: Yes.

Monday + Tuesday journal on Wednesday morning. It was my two days off. I wanted to and ended up taking it fairly easy to relax. Though, I still attended to the household chores that needed to be done, and I went for my workout on Monday. I also finished reading the Obstacle is the Way, and now have a few different books to choose from to read. I treated myself on both days to some good food. I also spent a decent amount of time watching YouTube shorts and some comedy shows. On Tuesday, I called up one of my longstanding friends to spend some one on one time, so I spent the latter half of the day talking and hanging out with him. We went for coffee and dinner, and spent some time at both of our houses. I have had a longstanding intention of going to my old workplace, vivo Ristorante, to reconnect and talk with them, make amends for essentially disappearing on them over seven years ago. I had worked there for five and a half years before going to BC for treatment for my alcoholism. So, when my friend jokingly suggested it as the place to go for dinner, I told him about my intention and we decided on going there. He was the one who worked there before I did and was my reference to get the job. As I suspected, most of the staff that I knew/worked with had left, however the owners/partners and a couple of the career servers still worked there. Though he didn't serve us, one of those servers who originally started with the restaurant was there and recognized me. We were glad to see each other and caught up a bit. The manager on duty also came to talk to my friend and I, and chatted about a bunch of the people I used to work with and caught me up on who was still around. He was a younger guy, and really nice to talk to. I had hoped to catch one of the owner/partners to make the amend, however they had already gone home for the day. I'll have to catch them another time. The manager gave us the friends and family discount, which was very decent of him. And the food was, of course, delicious. I enjoyed the conversations with my friend. We reached that depth that helps build that connection with each other. We've known each other since kindergarten, over 25 years, and we have been really close at various periods in our lives. We spent a lot of time playing video games together. He does not try to pressure me to come game with him, however. He still wants to spend time together, and suggested movie watching via Discord as an alternative for the low-commitment hangout activity, which sounds like a fun idea. 110 days no gaming today. Things are going well. I feel like I can hold myself accountable without beating myself up. I'm feeling more settled in at work. Emotionally I'm pretty stable. My awareness is growing. I've been consistent with daily practices. There are some things I'd still like to put more attention and energy to, such as studying for the driver's knowledge test, exploring more school options, and incorporating more dedicated mindfulness time into my routine. I think Cam's suggestion of planning a day/chunk of time to focus on some of the "administration" tasks will be helpful. Overall, I'd say I am happy with where I'm at and hopeful for the future. That isn't to say that I want to stagnate since things are going well, I firmly believe that growth is a valuable thing to strive for. It's enjoyable to be in this state at the moment, is all. Even though I can slip into some negative thought patterns, feel self-doubt and insecurity creep up, and it feels shitty when it's happening, there isn't that sense of a mad scramble, of being overwhelmed. I can ride it out and be curious about where it's coming from, accept it for what it is. Out of time! Signing off. One Thing That Went Well Today: I feel rested after my days off. Gratitude: I am grateful for self-compassion. I am grateful for quality conversations with people I care about. I am grateful for the warm love I feel when I cuddle with my dog. Reading: Yes.

Sunday journal on Monday morning, posted on Tuesday because apparently it didn't post 🙃 It was a good, short day at work. I went over to my cousin's place after for Chinese food and a movie (Event Horizon). My morning was pretty relaxed too, watered the plants, took the dog for a walk, and read some of my book. One Thing That Went Well Today: Chinese food was good! Gratitude: I am grateful for music. I am grateful for the people in my life. I am grateful for coffee. Reading: Yes.

Saturday journal on Sunday. I went to Iconoclast, my favourite coffee shop, in the morning to enjoy an Americano, a sandwich, and read, since I noticed I hadn't made time for that lately. Work was steady. My mom and her boyfriend left on a trip to the south of the province, so it's just me and the dog for a few days. I'll have to water the plants and take the dog for a walk now. I ended up being super hungry when I got home, despite having ate occasionally during my shift, so I ate a bunch of random stuff that we had in the house. It was pretty well all healthy, just a higher volume than normal. After eating I just went to bed. One Thing That Went Well Today: Service went smoothly at work. Gratitude: I am grateful for my ability to persevere through hardship. I am grateful for cool sunrises. I am grateful for the refreshing coolness of the air this morning. Reading: Yes.

Friday journal on Saturday. Work went alright. The soups weren't quite ready for the right time for lunch service, but with some help we managed to get them all ready. I went for a workout despite feeling tired from work. There was also a night market on near the gym, so I walked through to check it out. Mostly stuff I wasn't interested in, except for a filipino BBQ food truck. However, there was a long line and I wasn't terribly hungry, so I opted to just walk back home. When I got home I went to sleep. I also got a raise at work today. They had originally said that it would be after a 3 month probationary period that we would discuss that, but they just went ahead and gave it to me since they are happy with how I'm progressing. Pretty cool. One Thing That Went Well Today: I went for a workout even though I didn't feel like it. Gratitude: I am grateful for refreshing water. I am grateful for self-compassion. I am grateful for room for growth. Reading: No.

Thursday journal on Friday. Work went alright. I mostly rested afterwards, including an hour and a half nap. I also went on a walk in the evening. I made some tea for my mom, her boyfriend and I. I can't think of much else to write this morning, and that's okay. One Thing That Went Well Today: I had a nice evening walk. Gratitude: I am grateful for my mind. I am grateful for my body. I am grateful for my spirit. Reading: No.

Wednesday journal on Thursday morning. I went to the gym in the morning. My mom and I had a chat in the morning on the way to work. Work itself was pretty hectic, and the beginning of my 10 day workweek. I am already a little tired 😆. I believe it will be a good opportunity to hone myself into a better cook, and learn to how to apply my energy effectively. One Thing That Went Well Today: Lunch with my friend was great! Gratitude: I am grateful for my awareness around expectations. I am grateful for the spiritual path I am on. I am grateful for hot showers. Reading: No.

Tuesday journal on Wednesday morning. A busy day! I went on an e-bike ride, got lunch with a friend, had an appointment with a counselor, and went to see the Barbie movie with my mom and my brother. They all went well. I had a moment during the day where I had feelings of insecurity and guilt when I read too much into a message from a group chat I was in. It definitely stemmed from that primal part of me that wants to be liked by everyone. I noticed the feelings and didn't try to shove away or suppress them, and later on I did get more clarity about the meaning behind the message. It ended up not being what my insecurities thought it meant, which I'm glad for. It was good practice in feeling those negative emotions and not letting them control my behaviour. One Thing That Went Well Today: Lunch with my friend was great! Gratitude: I am grateful for healthy boundaries. I am grateful for my ability to make good decisions today. I am grateful for the spirit of love and tolerance. Reading: No.

Monday journal on Tuesday morning. I had a closing shift, so I had the start of the day to myself 😄. I got up early and went to the morning AA meeting, which was uplifting and validating. It helped set the tone for the day for sure. We read from a story as well as read the daily reflection, both of which resonated with me. I got the opportunity to share as well, which was appreciated. Today was also workout day! I had a good session at the gym. I'm steadily making progress, perhaps even rapidly? It's only been two months since I started going to the gym and I can notice I'm stronger in most respects. I had a loose goal of being able to do a pull-up again which I've already hit. I'm going to set aside some time to set clearer fitness goals to work towards (perhaps with the personal trainer?). I also went to the coffee shop to read today. It was fairly busy, so I put my earbuds in to drown out the ambient noise so I could focus. That worked and I read a few chapters of the book I've been reading. And, of course, Iconoclast continues to make excellent Americanos. Work itself was pretty slow. I took the opportunity to chill for the most part, though I still got some prep work done. I have one day off and then 10 days scheduled to work, so I figured I'd rest up a bit on the job to be ready for that. A bunch of people who fled the wildfires up in the Northwest Territories are staying at the hotel, all of whom we are assigned to feed breakfast, lunch, and dinner 😅. Lots of work! I'm not anxious, scared, or stressed though. I believe we'll be able to handle it. Just might get tired is all. One Thing That Went Well Today: I had a good workout 🙂 Gratitude: I am grateful for risk-taking. I am grateful for hope. I am grateful for my ability to give of myself to others. Reading: Yes.

Sunday journal on Monday morning. Sunday was good. I had a chill morning and went on a nice walk before going to work. Work itself was busy in the morning and then dead in the afternoon/early evening. We had all three cooks for the wedding brunch, which was the main cause for the business. I was the one who closed the kitchen. My mom made chicken nuggets, rice, and peas for dinner. I think my body isn't used to carbs as much anymore because afterwards on my bike ride, which turned into a long walk after my tire went flat, I had a lot of gas. I went to bed pretty soon after coming back from my journey, so no reading this day. One Thing That Went Well Today: I did not get upset when my bike's tire went flat. Gratitude: I am grateful for the quality of my thoughts. I am grateful for soulful music. I am grateful for the changing seasons. Reading: No.

ADORABLE

Saturday journal on Sunday morning. Yesterday was a good day. I started work a little later in the day, so I went on an hour long bike ride in the morning. And had my regular routine, of course. Work itself was hectic because of the big wedding, though I was assigned to watch the line for the most part. I didn't really feel the stress as much. I believe it was a successful event, the food that I got to taste was delicious. Chickpea dahl on rice for the vegetarians that actually had some spice to it. Though, it's not surprise the Indian chefs who've cooked for longer than I've been alive can make some good curry 😆. Emotionally, I've been feeling stable. Bouts of happiness, I feel like I'm connecting with the gratitude in my journaling. Despite the stress, general wear and tear of work, I have the energy to do stuff. It's not like before when I felt tired, I think my body and my mind are adjusting to the work. One Thing That Went Well Today: We survived the wedding dinner. Gratitude: I am grateful for my warm, comfy bed. I am grateful for my journal practices. I am grateful for the quality of my breath. Reading: No.

Friday journal on Friday night, since I seem to have a decent amount of energy today. The day went well. Work was steady, slow in the morning so I cleaned some parts of the kitchen that were getting grimy. It felt satisfying to clean it. The lunch rush was busier, decent amount of orders to do. I wasn't assigned any of the prep work for tomorrow, which is the big wedding reception dinner. It seems odd, but that's fine. The workday went by quickly, before I knew it I was back on my way home. I took off to the coffee shop right away, gym bag in tow. Although it was busy, I still managed to snag my favourite seat in the corner. I had an Americano, as always, and read a book while listening to some chill music. It was cool to see the parallels about what the author was writing about and what I have learned in 12 Step. Trusting the process, taking things one day at a time, and being persistent are all things in both the book and the program. Pretty neat. The coffee was excellent as always, and I had a pleasant interaction with the barista. I like that we are building a cordial relationship 😄. I headed to the gym and got a decent workout in. I put some plates on the bench press instead of using just the bar and increased the weight for some of the dumbbell exercises. It was more strenuous, somewhat, though I think I could've added more. We'll see how I feel tomorrow 😆. When I got back home, we had a simple dinner consisting of chicken souvlaki skewers, rice, peas, and carrots. Since I felt like I still had energy, I tidied up in the basement and finished a load of laundry. I still have another load or two to do tomorrow. I went for a nice evening walk, and now I'm here. One Thing That Went Well Today: I had a gratifying workout. Gratitude: I am grateful for soulful music. I am grateful for the hope I have today. I am grateful for the discipline that I have been cultivating. Reading: Yes.

I don't have anything new or original that I would suggest. I think the main thing for me is to interact with people a lot, and to recognize and stop beating myself up when things didn't go perfectly.

Thursday journal on Friday morning. I got up early on Thursday so I had time to ground myself for the day, hence the long journal entry. Work went by quickly; we were steadily busy throughout my shift. I received compliments from a couple people at work about how I'm doing, which felt nice. When I got home, I felt tired and slightly stressed, so I relaxed. After a while, I went out on a bike ride through the river valley. It was right around rush hour, so there were a lot of people out. Still, I had a nice ride and enjoyed myself. My mom asked me to make a salad to contribute to dinner when I got back, so I made one using a vinaigrette consisting of olive oil, red wine vinegar, honey, dijon mustard, and some seasoning. It turned out tasty. We also had some homemade burritos that we had stored in the freezer. I went down to relax on my bed and ended up falling asleep, which I think I needed. One Thing That Went Well Today: I did well at work. Gratitude: I am grateful for contrast in life. I think it helps make the different things we experience more vivid when there's variety. I am grateful for the spirit of helpfulness at work. People genuinely want to help you, which is awesome to see. I am grateful for the progress I've made in respecting myself. I think it set the tone for how you go forward into the world. Reading: No.

Wednesday journal on Thursday morning. Yesterday was a pretty full day. I planned to go for a workout with my friend, so I biked to his place in the morning. We hung out with my cousin (his wife) and the kids before we headed out. He didn't feel like working out, so we went for a long walk through a park instead. It was a beautiful spot, a path along a creek. Lots of mosquitos to swat away, though it did not detract from my enjoyment of the walk. We had a deeper conversation since it was one-on-one. I appreciated his vulnerability; we both benefited from talking like that. After our walk, we went out for brunch at OEB. Delicious food, as always, I opted for my go-to breakfast poutine. The coffee was on point too. I decided to cover the bill since my friend had treated me to Chinese food last week (and because it's a nice thing to do and I feel I can afford it now and again). We went to the grocery store next door afterwards to pick up a sandwich for my cousin. My friend also bought an extra pack of ravioli for me to try. Smoked mozzarella! I still wanted to get my workout in, so I opted to walk over to their local gym after we got back to their place. I figured I'd get a free workout session if I spoke with a representative about a membership, which they did. It was a good interaction. The lady had a good energy about her. I did not sign up for a second gym membership. I could've gone heavier on some free weights to push myself more. Otherwise, it was a solid workout. I asked my friend if he was planning on having a full hangout later in the evening, and he said he wanted some quality time with my cousin. I'm glad he makes their relationship a priority. He's an extrovert and the instigator for hangouts most of the time, so it could be easy for him to overlook the individual relationships in his life. I said my farewells and headed out on my bicycle. Since I was in the neighbourhood, I biked to my dad's. Neither my dad nor my brother was home, so I walked to the grocery store after parking my bike in his backyard. I bought some ingredients for making a nice meat sauce for the ravioli, a salad kit to save time, and a fresh loaf of bread. I figured I could treat my dad and brother to a nice meal. I called my mom to let her know I wouldn't be home for dinner and then worked on making the pasta. It was nothing fancy; some lean ground beef, mushrooms, onions, carrots, and a jar of premade pasta sauce. I added some extra seasoning to the veg and meat and seasoned the sauce to taste once it was all together. When my brother got home, he and I shared the meal. My dad had mentioned over the phone that he had already had a bite at Ikea, so I figured we were good to eat without him. He enjoyed the meal, judging from how he devoured it. We had a good, shorter conversation. I stuck around until my dad came home so I could say hi, and then left for home in time for my last appointment with Cam. It was a productive appointment. We reflected on my journey these past three months and discussed the strategies and supports to help me move forward. Working with Cam was a positive experience, and I am grateful for all the encouragement, guidance, and suggestions he has provided me. At the end of the session, he proposed an idea. I have a couple of weeks to think about it. I plan to check in with some of my other supports. I will also reflect on how I feel about it. I am being purposefully private about this. It is an unexpected honour. One Thing That Went Well Today: I had some quality conversations with the people I care about. Gratitude: I am grateful for Cam. His help has been tremendous in these past few months. I am grateful for people's willingness to be vulnerable. I am grateful for the time I made for myself this morning to settle in for the day. Reading: No.

Congratulations on 90 days!!

Tuesday journal on Tuesday. Relaxing kind of day. I'm still sticking to my morning routine. I finally got a bike ride in today, which was awesome. I did a loop of the river valley with a little extra, clocking in just over 33km for the ride. It felt good to be moving like that. When I got home, I packed up some stuff and headed to a coffee shop to enjoy an Americano and read some of my book. It was packed inside, so I opted to read outside with some earbuds in to drown out the conversations. I walked to and from the coffee shop, so that was also good to get some movement in. The barista at the coffee shop was really friendly today, which was uplifting. Infectious upbeat kind of energy. My mom and I headed over to Costco to pick up some groceries quickly after I got home. Picked up a lot of cottage cheese since we've been burning through it lately, some protein bars, and some eggs. All the protein! We teamed up to make dinner when we got back. I had chicken burgers, my mom and her boyfriend had portobello mushroom burgers, and we all had corn on the cob, potato salad, and regular leafy salad. I also had a protein bar and some ice cream for dessert, haha! It was delicious. Now I'm here writing an early journal 😄 One Thing That Went Well Today: Good ride on the bike today. Gratitude: I am grateful for warm tea. I am grateful for ice cream. Delicious! I am grateful for the warm feeling I get when I reflect on things I am thankful for. Reading: Yes.

Monday journal on Tuesday. Slow day at work, slow start in the morning. The pop machine continued to be broken. The carbonation actually leaked into the main water line, so the coffee machine started spurting out and made a huge mess when the bartender tried to make some late night coffee. Yikes! I helped her clean it up a bit, and she gave me 10 bucks for my trouble, which was really nice of her. Other than that I did some cleaning and relaxed for the most part. I did remember this morning that I forgot to toss the soup out 😅. Ah well. One Thing That Went Well Today: Work was chill. Gratitude: I am grateful for these next two days off. Feels nice to relax after working. I am grateful for the tools that help me organize my schedule. It's really helpful not having to rely on memory for these things. I am grateful for ice cold water. Refreshing. Reading: No.