wheatbiscuit

Day #1 Game Avoidance Yesterday was a bit of a bad day by my own standards (I could guess that too many people have things way worse). In short, I went for a memorised walk at 3pm, after many images and reminiscing of e-play, and by the time I was almost home again, things seemed to stack in favour of a short session - which turned out to be 2 hours. - *Editing, I want to add that by yesterday, after 3 weeks, perhaps due to the time of year, I already felt detoxed. At the gym, I was completely present, but among too many people in earphones and vacant expressions and more uncomfortable music. The initial steps to sign in, setup the play, and try to find some 'flow' did feel a bit unnatural - but I had felt unnatural throughout the first part of the day, if that can be seen. I trace that feeling back to sleeping in, and forgoing texts to family when I saw them online. Instead, I went straight to gym after some breakfast. It kind of sucked, even though I used the majority of the strength I had. @Yan , your last advice here was good, and I could recognise that too, with mental distance. However, I really haven't given up feeling a decent sense of community in my neighbourhood - my nearby gym, if given a job there, I had recently begun to see as a worthy challenge. If it were to be a disaster (1/4 odds in my view), afterward might come a decision to move for work (1/2, eventually). I held back my resume for the day, even though I wish I'd told reception of the idea. Part of what also made yesterday so hard was the 'temporarily closed' online notice for the club I went to twice, before Christmas. I was wondering whether a handful of the nice people I met the Sunday before last would be there last night - I had mentally prepared, as I do. The clincher is that by the time I signed out of yesterday's game, I didn't feel like simply walking down the street and physically checking. Maybe I had other misgivings, but I'm not completely sure. Finally, something ironic took place as well, yesterday. I texted my Dad, then did some things while I waited for him to reply - he shared his triumph over each of the daily games (that admittedly, I also shared when conversation topics were few), and then, oddly enough said, 'Done!' I could unpack that and get lost in rumination, but basically I didn't enjoy seeing the weight placed upon it as perhaps an unbeatable sum over our conversation-to-be-had for the day. Which is why, although I've largely done the same thing most of this month, I want to post about avoiding giving various games (as well as the one I've played the most, by multiple factors) a certain amount of focus. I seem to realise that for the moment, they're going to come to mind. For example, my session yesterday did involve chasing some already-surpassed levels over again, and noting that I underestimated twice how quickly they were reached, continuing to 'play'. However, I didn't focus on much other than some uncommon loot, UNTIL I noticed that I appeared to have attracted three or more profiles of the same level, doing the exact same thing, in the same equipment. I puzzled over it - and had there been less of an obvious pattern (I won't go into that), I might have started chatting and played longer. May pick up from here later - chores. Peace, ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ Got through yesterday's gym workout ~ Found some new music from an older band (and a band even older than that, through a game though) ~ A mostly peaceful, sunny walk to the grocer's ~ Got a milder fiction book ready so as perhaps not to test myself too much right now

Day 22, December 27 Christmas went well, and was adequately challenging. Yesterday afternoon, I took myself to gym out of habit/rhythm, and was a little bit more challenging than satisfactory (gym music wasn't to my taste/mood at the start, and most everyone there was quiet, with earphones in), but I have reaped the rewards somewhat this morning with healthy soreness and vigour. I think the problem was that I relaxed in the 2 hours prior to gym - some people with 9-5 jobs said in the past that going home, even briefly, between work's end and gym is 'a disaster'. Lol. In any case, I want to go again today and give them my latest resume (there have been staff changes) - you never know; the new manager might have begun to like me. Gratitude: ~ My extended family's hosted Christmas and the positive mood ~ Exchanged chocolates as gifts ~ The peer worker I travelled with ~ Discussing serious exercise 'business' with my Uncle. Lol Happy ongoing holidays, GQ. ~ Matt

Day 19, December 24 Merry Christmas Eve, homies. I dreamed (among other mostly-forgotten things) that I was defeated on my addiction-game for most of my wealth, and probably woke up as I hastened to recover it - but I largely forgot that I cared, once fully awake. That challenge mode may have been refreshing at first, but the in-game appreciation probably wasn't worth the candle(?). Anyway.. Hopefully I'll enjoy tomorrow too much to think about it being 20 days off of those profiles - another day short of 3 weeks, too - but I'll echo @Pulse in saying that the 'feel good factor' of the holidays has been proving a slight enough lure. I say, post jokes and merriment as the days come, if you can - if not, I'll be at trying to bumble my way to better (yet sober) moods online and offline. Peace out, ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ A short burst of retail therapy (I bought yoghurt and dip, for instance!) ~ A short nap (lying down, for now still proves useful after incessant months at my desk) ~ Evening bodyweight park workout, was mellow but worth it ~ Reading a little bit of both fiction and non-fiction

I didn't know how much I'd eventually enjoy one band from the U.S. after first hearing their only single that made it onto the radio here 20 years ago, but I don't remember meeting anyone else who happened to like them; I had to bring them up first. That's awesome. One person I knew summed up a darker song of theirs succinctly and while surprised, and I interpreted that he was someone who mainly saw happier music as a means to enhance already-good moments. For me though, it was like learning about so many (not only the singer(s)) people's lives who had opened up about feeling sad. I don't always bring that band up immediately though. That said, I recommend Jon Foreman's latest 'In Bloom' album. Optimistic heartache.

Day 18, December 23 I watched the first of a few movies yesterday and today. This time, I paused frequently because I was cringing etc. I mean, not only did that almost keep me from internally celebrating the positive messages I received, but I felt so grateful to have survived it emotionally (with what I saw as a very bad joke made in the credits, considering), that my game didn't look so awful in comparison. No real diss; it was mostly me and my age now, I guess. But no dice for much except some news, chatting and hopefully opening a book or two today. Good luck all, ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ Overcoming what felt like quite a sedated sleep - I changed very little about the day, see ~ Cold water with ice cubes ~ A good walk with almost no agitation ~ Remembered to check mail as though prompted during sleep!

It's quite possible for people who are perhaps action-oriented to have gotten through life thus far with both exercise and gaming knowledge. Sometimes, I felt like I was among them. However, I would also expect to find that once a unique or improving-in-multiple-ways client turns up, such knowledgeable exercisers might find it hard to really tailor a session in every sense of the word. I know that I probably missed a lot of opportunities to work properly with others and give accurate advice because as I did so, I was thinking of 'victory' at games constantly. If it seems too harsh to ask a trainer for professional-only advice, in one way or another, yeah - you could probably find someone a little more focused. One excellent trainer I met does so well that he sometimes looks surprised or rudely awakened that someone might engage in banter or modestly bring up a behaviour like gaming. But then, maybe I try to watch too closely sometimes. What you said to them reminded me of the D.E.A.R.M.A.N approach a person showed me. It's not often that full processes like that actually take place for me, but knowing about them is worthwhile - simply finding 7 related things to agree upon still feels like progress. Good work on keeping balance in hobbies AFK, dude. 👍

Day 17, December 22 I had an 'easy' time of the last 24-36 hours; maybe others chose to show mercy, people are planning their holidays well, or I was rewarded slightly for honesty. In any case, I found myself an hour ago lying down playing old game-associated music. Old mental images and progress from e-gaming cropped up, and I paused to stare at a wall and watched my thoughts. I did however manage to see how a lot of it appealed to younger me, on the first 'journey' through the internet. I went to a local social spot again, and though some of mine and others' laughter was awkward at times, we meshed together fairly well. I managed to wish many there well and get home at 10pm. However, one person did give me a few movie titles to watch, and either I'm not quite as desperate for replacement activities yet, or there was a lot of emotion in the first one I started. So I came to type to clear up why I couldn't just read all day in free time. Hope everyone's holidays are going okay, ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ I snacked a bit last night, but my stomach didn't punish me too much for it ~ Already mentioned, but maybe in the light of recent events/Xmas, last night was in pretty good humour ~ One dude playing cards as part of the group was very conscientious ~ Picked up reading some more of a well-flowing fiction book I found free some months ago; it sort of complements the tone of the biography

Day 15, December 20 I summoned the courage to go to a small social outlet on Thursday night. I noted names and interests of at least half of the people there, and while I may have come close to babbling, I thought it went pretty well. It was a relatively late night, but I also slept naturally (and not too long either!). I thought that it was easier, and thus more confronting (after so much gaming and solo pursuits this year, and in 2024), to see and appreciate the character traits I saw in the mostly regular crew. I'd like to enjoy both fitting in with the vibe and yet have challenging interactions at both mine and others' paces, given future chances. Both Thursday and Friday were hot weather days, and I was out in sun-protection or briefly travelling to and from gym (I also fasted quite a bit longer before gym, so it was like 70% of the 80% (25-30% less effort? - you try the math!) that is my usual effort)). The slight soreness still feels rewarding. I finished reading 'The Body: A Guide for Occupants' yesterday, and have moved onto a biography. I'll mention it further if I get into it. Fiction is slightly on hold, but is there if I need it. ______ Gratitude: ~ Taking the gym visit slowly, so as not to faint on one of my few fasting sessions ~ Meeting a good and kind social support worker ~ Cooked oats and other wheat-carb replacements(?) ~ The sincere outpouring shown around in a recent, tragic disaster over here Thanks guys, good fortune with keeping off games, etc. ~ Matt

Day 13, December 18 No more urges to try gaming, but I thought about some of the meaning of my play and did reminisce to myself briefly yesterday. I've also been investigating places to read/learn, and hang out for the holidays. Gratitude: ~ I've been doing mostly my best at gym, and not been feeling too 'wrecked' afterwards ~ Experimenting with little, less or the same caffeine in the morning - side note, actually ate canned fish for breakfast successfully today (I skipped it last night for dinner) ~ My mom made a visit here for the first half of this week, which aside from being enjoyable in itself, made for some more good practice being outside and social ~ Passed the 3/4 point for reading Bill Bryson's 'The Body', leaving some of the sobering chapters to go Cheers guys, ~ Matt

Day 8, December 13 I got to the gym today in the same company. It had been both added to and re-arranged in terms of equipment since I was last there some days ago - nice and exciting. Just now, I was both glad and concerned to remember to browse - and post on - GQ on my phone before opening my PC. This is because of an angry rumination problem I've had over varying time lengths. I didn't realise why I felt and went through one today, post-gym, until I thought about a spoken change of plans for next week, which I considered could have been retaliation for not showing enough interest in. Not true, as I am always trying to look forward to each thing I have scheduled, solo or jointly. And then, I was given specific permission to go home and shower, which (after stepping in) is what triggered the rumination. I just hate to imagine how my parents used to (or still) cope with a suddenly angry mind, instead of fairly and calmly resolving such states promptly. Maybe some of y'all know what I'm talking about; would you have any advice? I could have run to a gaming session, but twenty odd minutes here instead is a win - can I get a hallelujah? Thanks guys. ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ Good weather to begin with, instead of forecast rain ~ The gym staff amused me by not emoting much at all when asked about the new layout. ^_^ ~ Acknowledging to myself that I don't always deserve to be around expressly bad attitudes ~ A new fuzzy toothbrush A euphemism for my dear old dad. Pink elephants - it's easier to obsess over something else, like Harry Potter lore (3rd time reading this year, complete).

Day 6, December 11 I've just been swimming at the pool with Wheatbiscuit Senior, and got lapped a few times by a teenager (I suppose that's only likely to continue, unless I train quite hard). Christmas planning in progress. ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ Becoming reminiscently food-hungry but not minding much, as the morning was organised and enjoyable ~ Cold drinking water ~ Waking up earlier than I expected, before looking at the clock ~ Working on that distress tolerance

Day 4, December 9 Several moments, I've noticed (for example) the kneeling and crouching muscles used during chores. When I was hurrying through them to get back to gameplay, they usually seemed light and fluid, when in fact I was building momentum to continue the habits. As well, I had to be really imagining the movements my avatar was making, after I clicked. I couldn't actually feel them as I do crouching, kneeling and scrubbing, AFK. It has also been incredibly task-oriented for me; About to reach a destination? What else haven't I clicked on or arrow-keyed the viewpoint for yet? All of that with the eyes, though I frequently breathed sighs when the swift calculations were over. Most of my body remained still. ^ That's another thing; beginning so many operations in the brain at once - often without moving a muscle - kept me locked-in enough anyway. Thinking freely whilst doing a number of other things AFK is quite sobering. I didn't feel much like typing yesterday; I felt challenged enough through many silent hours. The night of Day 2, I lay down and played some newish music for an hour, paying most of my attention to that and the evening sounds outside of the window. I actually wondered whether that was preferable to further silence - I didn't particularly need the emotional lift it gave me right before bed, that night. It may have made Day 3 more challenging. Will maybe update with more later. Thanks all, ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ Still sleeping solidly, probably because of the head-cold. I managed to finish the last morning's dream with flying baby pigs. They were supposed to covertly transport freshly-baked cookies for me, I think. 😄 ~ Kept the windows open for the pleasant breeze for the first few hours of the night. I rarely remember getting up to eventually close them. ~ No real gaming urges, because 'winning' by many people's standards of the game I've been playing would most likely still demand too much for my part. I did let Connections become a gateway to Wordle (where one can guess even more wrongly) though. ~ Finally swapping a warm winter shirt for a lighter one, after donning it on a strange whim

Day #2, December 7 I felt pretty healthy after the amount of fiction and selective news-reading I did yesterday - so much so that I thought about testing the might of it all on PvP gaming and voice chat. Those are aged thought patterns, probably mostly stemming from early (and occasionally recent) gaming videos with particular music that I liked, fuelling ideas of out-thinking competition online - all likely to the tune of my own compiled playlists. I also reflected on the use of colour-coded game objects/interfaces, sometimes corresponding to other parts of the play. I really do wonder whether anyone actually ever spoke the words, 'That'll reel them in!', referring to prospective players. Maybe the truth of it is a bid to try and encourage players to need the game as much as developers need paying members - loneliness? I really do want to keep sharing positively, because I can't expect anyone reading here to tell people already in my life to 'straighten up, and fly right' friendship-wise - you know, instead of doubling down on an 'I'm always right' attitude. That first truthful paragraph was it, for now. Some gratitude for yesterday: ~ Steering clear of the second hot day, to finally enjoying a full walk in this morning's cooler temperatures ~ More good sleep, though not entirely having kicked my cold (moderate but persistent nose and throat stuff) ~ Forgetting/not having an obsessive dream ~ Halfway through 'The Stand' reading, keeping better track of the pace and descriptions Peace, ~ Matt

Day #1, December 6 The forum page above the post before this one probably says '4 weeks later...' - with the classic triple periods. The funny thing may be that I kept very poor track of medium-term time during my first detox, aside from occasionally reflecting on what two-digit day count I had started each entry with (single digits are the most 'whack' and difficult, right?). I guess the hope at the back of my mind has always been a lack of surprise, or even eagerness in others at the prospect of talking like this in person. Maybe it is 'just me' that imagines forum users feeling shame at being automatically 'called out' by its code, for not having posted recently - given what we're here for, but I doubt it. Following on from whack-ness, I spent almost all of last night dreaming that I had to prepare a comprehensive speech on a single in-game item, which I had been hoarding for some time. I knew that 'using' them meant hours of fevered watching and clicking, and worse - agitation and irritation if I had to pay attention to anything else alongside. But the speech had to rely on both delivery (hand gestures), flow and humour, without reading word-for-word from cards or, egad, a sheet of paper. ____________ Gamers were (once) the best kind of people, I have said before. Personally, younger me knew that I had to continue growing in feeling and thought, despite not getting far enough with existing relationships. So I went online. That probably isn't even that uncommon a story. But I got right through everything, to where those good kinds of people (players) were no longer challenging. This however, still is. People around me still F-up colossally, and what I intend to do is go about my modest objectives, showing that it's possible not to do lasting harm to others along the way. Keep it up, guys. ~ Matt

Friday, 5th of December: The temperature outside is pretty high today. I 'cut it fine' at 9am by walking up part of the road to the park, but then turned back to walk the block closer to home, so I wouldn't find myself stranded. One of the first definitions of technology that I read in general science class was of technology, perhaps: it was 'machines are tools which ease human effort'. I think that sometimes we have forgotten the 'connection' we could have achieved for 'ease' (of access) to entertainment or information. That might be why noticing a harmless, dissenting opinion online may have worked upon many a person as a negative, emotional trigger. For me, occasionally coming first is a physical cringe of pain, or solitary embarrassment when, you know, I perceive something to be worded in an incendiary way. All that here has almost become a dance - it is meant to attempt to explain my conflicting desires to post or commit to anything online, of late - here at my computer, or to a lesser extent, my phone (I can call and/or lie down while holding that). On the latest-played version of my crutch-game, I have spent a lot of the time sitting here, staring at further solitary movements. I even turned off global messaging. It was sometimes even peaceful - I typed to whom I wanted to, almost undistracted. ___________ But recently, I've only really detoxed 'on the daily': a few hours - though rather unmoderated, followed by actually looking forward to calling time on play for the day, then resting and completing chores, telling myself to start a streak the next day. I came to type of what I've missed, which has been actually being able to distinguish a good day from a bad day, after seeing either one through to the best of my ability (sans-games). I have been remembering racing to my desk and computer to post here, as though to competitive gameplay, so that I might get concentratedly-formed sentence practice. The two have gotten muddled on occasion, and I should at least remember whether I am trying to connect, or simply entertain and inform myself - maybe everybody else. That said, I like the sound of the work you've all been putting in. Perhaps it quite should be, as we plan a historically-fun time of year. Best wishes, guys. ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ Not having to stay anywhere long that is really being subjected to the heat today ~ Ice cubes ~ The human elements noticeable (or not, as I saw in a random text yesterday) in tech-communication ~ Sleep and slight head-cold recovery