wheatbiscuit

Day #2, December 7 I felt pretty healthy after the amount of fiction and selective news-reading I did yesterday - so much so that I thought about testing the might of it all on PvP gaming and voice chat. Those are aged thought patterns, probably mostly stemming from early (and occasionally recent) gaming videos with particular music that I liked, fuelling ideas of out-thinking competition online - all likely to the tune of my own compiled playlists. I also reflected on the use of colour-coded game objects/interfaces, sometimes corresponding to other parts of the play. I really do wonder whether anyone actually ever spoke the words, 'That'll reel them in!', referring to prospective players. Maybe the truth of it is a bid to try and encourage players to need the game as much as developers need paying members - loneliness? I really do want to keep sharing positively, because I can't expect anyone reading here to tell people already in my life to 'straighten up, and fly right' friendship-wise - you know, instead of doubling down on an 'I'm always right' attitude. That first truthful paragraph was it, for now. Some gratitude for yesterday: ~ Steering clear of the second hot day, to finally enjoying a full walk in this morning's cooler temperatures ~ More good sleep, though not entirely having kicked my cold (moderate but persistent nose and throat stuff) ~ Forgetting/not having an obsessive dream ~ Halfway through 'The Stand' reading, keeping better track of the pace and descriptions Peace, ~ Matt

Day #1, December 6 The forum page above the post before this one probably says '4 weeks later...' - with the classic triple periods. The funny thing may be that I kept very poor track of medium-term time during my first detox, aside from occasionally reflecting on what two-digit day count I had started each entry with (single digits are the most 'whack' and difficult, right?). I guess the hope at the back of my mind has always been a lack of surprise, or even eagerness in others at the prospect of talking like this in person. Maybe it is 'just me' that imagines forum users feeling shame at being automatically 'called out' by its code, for not having posted recently - given what we're here for, but I doubt it. Following on from whack-ness, I spent almost all of last night dreaming that I had to prepare a comprehensive speech on a single in-game item, which I had been hoarding for some time. I knew that 'using' them meant hours of fevered watching and clicking, and worse - agitation and irritation if I had to pay attention to anything else alongside. But the speech had to rely on both delivery (hand gestures), flow and humour, without reading word-for-word from cards or, egad, a sheet of paper. ____________ Gamers were (once) the best kind of people, I have said before. Personally, younger me knew that I had to continue growing in feeling and thought, despite not getting far enough with existing relationships. So I went online. That probably isn't even that uncommon a story. But I got right through everything, to where those good kinds of people (players) were no longer challenging. This however, still is. People around me still F-up colossally, and what I intend to do is go about my modest objectives, showing that it's possible not to do lasting harm to others along the way. Keep it up, guys. ~ Matt

Friday, 5th of December: The temperature outside is pretty high today. I 'cut it fine' at 9am by walking up part of the road to the park, but then turned back to walk the block closer to home, so I wouldn't find myself stranded. One of the first definitions of technology that I read in general science class was of technology, perhaps: it was 'machines are tools which ease human effort'. I think that sometimes we have forgotten the 'connection' we could have achieved for 'ease' (of access) to entertainment or information. That might be why noticing a harmless, dissenting opinion online may have worked upon many a person as a negative, emotional trigger. For me, occasionally coming first is a physical cringe of pain, or solitary embarrassment when, you know, I perceive something to be worded in an incendiary way. All that here has almost become a dance - it is meant to attempt to explain my conflicting desires to post or commit to anything online, of late - here at my computer, or to a lesser extent, my phone (I can call and/or lie down while holding that). On the latest-played version of my crutch-game, I have spent a lot of the time sitting here, staring at further solitary movements. I even turned off global messaging. It was sometimes even peaceful - I typed to whom I wanted to, almost undistracted. ___________ But recently, I've only really detoxed 'on the daily': a few hours - though rather unmoderated, followed by actually looking forward to calling time on play for the day, then resting and completing chores, telling myself to start a streak the next day. I came to type of what I've missed, which has been actually being able to distinguish a good day from a bad day, after seeing either one through to the best of my ability (sans-games). I have been remembering racing to my desk and computer to post here, as though to competitive gameplay, so that I might get concentratedly-formed sentence practice. The two have gotten muddled on occasion, and I should at least remember whether I am trying to connect, or simply entertain and inform myself - maybe everybody else. That said, I like the sound of the work you've all been putting in. Perhaps it quite should be, as we plan a historically-fun time of year. Best wishes, guys. ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ Not having to stay anywhere long that is really being subjected to the heat today ~ Ice cubes ~ The human elements noticeable (or not, as I saw in a random text yesterday) in tech-communication ~ Sleep and slight head-cold recovery

November 12, Wednesday morning: I don't stay overlong browsing websites often used for entertainment anymore, but I checked YT yesterday and spotted this one video - 'A Caveman's Journey into the Prison of Dopamine'. Now, we've probably heard/read a lot about dopamine, but in that video, the artist added several 'status bars' (something we might understand from ex-games), for 'D/O/S/E' - dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin and endorphins (mood chemicals?). I hadn't used an acronyms for something as practical as that to consider daily before (but also see my forum signature, I guess). Anyway, it was a crushing middle of a story to witness especially. The ending was a surprise too - you'd think the characters might have simply destroyed the artificial stimuli, but instead acknowledged them as a challenge. The narrator didn't mention further lifelines for anybody who wanted to voluntarily and knowingly challenge themselves to resist said stimuli, but hey, who thinks of everything? I guess the storytelling counts on people having had formative experiences in nature to actually recall. I happen to, but if not - I've heard of social events where people meet in parks and simply stare into each other's eyes for long periods of time before! Ah, goodness help the honest citizens advertising such things. Speaking of which, I applauded myself for sitting through 7 minutes of ads in silence, semi-monitoring their progress before the actual video. We know it can be done in place of gaming, too! ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ Cool breezes through windows the last 24 hours ~ Not messing up my sleep too badly by getting up early again and then having an extra 2 hours ~ Been able to work out moderately after an exertion headache 2 weeks ago (RDLs were the culprit) ~ Physical book reading options - I have a copy of 'The Body, a Guide for Occupants', but I really just want to re-read 'The Stand' by Stephen King for a 3rd time!

Maybe use a pinch of salt when reading this, as I'm not on a detox streak yet - but I do want to speak from memory of 5 months off in 2023. Firstly, sleep was way more natural when I'd stopped playing. It still is - though the decision to take a break from games itself seems to knock me out - then the next day it is actually scary how 'all guns blazing' I begin my routine. I wonder if you've noticed your own sleep quality? Secondly, do your friends/family know about your quitting goal(s)? How serious it might look to you, with some perspective? - Yesterday afternoon, I outlined my habits/journey honestly over the years in a video call; it wasn't even difficult for me to say - perhaps thanks to practice here - but it felt like cure. -> Your progress posts look great, but some vocal talk therapy with people who could be able to listen and hear you even better probably wouldn't go amiss. You aren't alone. Thirdly, and this is the hard part - maybe everyone (or every ex-gamer who remains mindful) needs a list of mantras/self-affirming statements for tough moments/days. If, during my first detox, on a day out with two social peers, I had been able to ground myself, I wouldn't have felt so let down/betrayed when they both seemed to forget an agreement we made with a parent present - and then retreated/relapsed back into my ex-game. That first detox was fuelled mostly by a whole lot of physical exercise and posting online/text messages. Motivation is a lot more conscious now, at least, for having some basic sentences I can repeat silently to myself. 'You're not alone' counts as one. Some can be egocentric, but when we've got a load of minute but otherwise harmless detail in front of us, we might need other statements like 'I am the master of my fate', or some such thing. Lol I know your detox is possible. NoFap is also very worthy. Be included in fun or meaningful things with others though! ~ Matt P.S. - Upon waking, I resisted focusing on the news and wordle puzzle on my phone to stare around and check GQ - but to call that fate.. you still had to post. 🫡

November 8, Saturday afternoon: The 'maybe to-do list' for my ex-game that I started last Christmas is empty and erased. I even updated and added to it most months of this year. The only thing that felt OK (until it didn't, upon completion) was the free-to-play grind in the middle months. I could speculate why on that, but basically it was easy, almost pressure-less and there were actually other people typing and playing alongside. I could also half-carry (often unsatisfactorily) conversations on social media. At least some of the newer players thought I was being nice. There are tiny things that I could still chase on the official game, having last night signed into the private server copy that I started and eventually quit to detox from in 2023, but the fact is that I'm not good at the game anymore. I think that's because I'm increasingly unattached to the game mechanics, and also discouraged by the standard of encouragement/enthusiasm, or maturity, on there. An all-advanced someone on the copy noticed me yesterday, and really only said 'Wow, hey. I did notice how extended your absence was. Well, enjoy.' Luke-warm and telltale-depressingly, I think is how we approached that one. Almost no one has sane display names now anyway - for someone who enjoys positive impressions, ick. Add that to the already-existing list of things that suck in the majority of players and keep everyone 'close but never quite good enough', and the habit is going to eventually disappear in favour of more-lively offline attractions. I want to have something offline as rewarding as early electronic game-play used to be, to remember the next year for. I just looked at the last chapter of the story I was typing from January, and discovered that enough time has passed for me to critique it before perhaps proceeding some more. Time can work in funny ways on creativity. I tried to solve a small subscription issue with Wheatbiscuit Senior yesterday morning, over text message. I've obviously only known his reactions to things as a youngish adult onwards, though it was easy for me to see that it wasn't going to happen well enough - also because I was polishing off the fabulous clicking-art of bow-making on my ex-game at the same time. Maybe I'll find something healthy to break the re-formed ice with in this second part of the day. Chasing loot and experience points won't do, even with the best music and sustenance. Peace all, and happy weekend. ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ Unfailingly good weather ~ Some effects of a weekly coffee enjoyed ~ Charring some meat in a frying pan ~ Remembered to check mailbox

November 2, Sunday morning: At times when I'm not sure what I should be doing (and when I don't even have the heart to try an electronic game or two), I think of a few concepts - appreciation of boredom, development or maintenance of distress tolerance, and changing or removing habits. Again, if I've already made active changes to my routine or habits, it hasn't seemed very conscious - probably due to having my mind on 'just one more' game target. One notion I sometimes think about, prompted or not, is of 'the fight', or having obstacles or indeed, enemies that must be surmounted by either focus, speed or force - not simply doing what one can when the right thought 'floats by' (selected as though a leaf from atop of a stream, as it has been phrased). That last is where I've been, whether because of sedation or mindfulness ('responding thoughtfully' instead of reacting). But I am peace-loving, from early influence or the aided discovery of fiction-reading. It is only in the most deeply morose moments when I might truly and honestly say 'F that!' or 'Want to fight about it?' I have been taught that that displays a lack of intelligence - a deep sin in my circles, it seems. I'd have to feel lost - something that even the harshest critics I've read almost recommend, but skate over in haste to brand something else or as 'beneath' those who have a ready wit. Well, I've managed not to turn too negative in those last two paragraphs, but make some kind of mental exercise of it. Consider mostly the first two, if staying on track. Hope y'all enjoy the rest of the weekend. ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ Since I called time on a week-long game activity, I've repeatedly slept a slick 10 hours - recovery? ~ Yet again, an anti-climactic game reward left me feeling hollow - it was, however cathartic to find that one online buddy skated past my expression of that feeling to him, his consideration unchanged there ~ I've been presenting myself with a relatively new choice between checking my logic/'gut' or simply waiting for an idea from another good enough to agree with and make an activity/day of - it is useful ~ The opportunity to relearn coordination of offline activities in silence and anticipation of sweet, sweet boredom

October 29, Wednesday morning: I may be truly outgrowing that one MMORPG. It's been a long month, despite some days also feeling shorter and almost wasted. Despite that, I have been cooking, cleaning, hygienic and perhaps even socialising easier than ever. But I haven't made too many active changes - simply doing what I know I ought to when I reach whatever approximates boredom. What progress that I have made, I ought not to let be taken for granted (mostly by me). This morning (and having slept successfully, I'll say), I was at my most conscious of my thoughts about the hours and day ahead. A friend or family member told me this month that procrastination with regard to personal problems can actually affect everything else you're doing elsewhere. Certainly, many times I have gone to bed (though it seemed smarter in the moment) resigned or saddened about text messages or posts (news included) and then wondered why I semi-consciously picked them back up in the morning. Then, since I finished some studies a few years ago now, I decided to 'ease' into each day with a hot drink at the computer, instead of just practising good manners as I wish as many people well (and a good morning) as possible. Yes, I still have to be careful of mania, but I think that is my main habit to break. I may sign in a couple more times over the next 1-2 weeks (subscription limit), if only to prove how little I get out of it - as I said before, this year, almost all of my in-game achievements have actually left me feeling either nothing or actually negative - and I usually only think of what you all here would think of it about half of the time; they've been low points with or without pressure. Happy mid-week, everyone. ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ I had last weekend to myself, which meant that I was less stimulated and more mindful - but which also meant practice staying out of trouble ~ Aside from one extra-hot day, I was able to enjoy the weather had here ~ My body told me that I was lifting too much yesterday, and I listened ~ I recognise that this truly is 'one day at a time'. I do wish to avoid running out of good things to say and ranting, to bring moods low enough to seek entertainment, though. Godspeed, guys.

Day 0 - Wednesday afternoon I'm better able to tell what is helpful and healthy when I am taking care offline, compared to when I am either playing or planning how to play the compelling game(s) in my life. Today, Wheatbiscuit Senior and I tackled another word puzzle together, but I at least still felt uneasy at 'winning' yet another game, despite it being a small feat of teamwork. Also this afternoon, no less, I nervously (this was another problem; nerves about continuing to try things that I've already been good at in the past - trying to care less about time that I know is being unhealthily spent 'locked in') got into an hour of semi-intense 'combat' clicking, finally clicking on an additional sword-weapon to good 'effect'. The problem there is, I would sooner or later not know when the time to stop had come, as my head, alone, would sink further into the visual experience - had it not been a designated 'bonus' hour within the game. I would take pride and pleasure in exhausting myself at the gym, surrounded by semi-social-or-otherwise, fellow members, if I knew how those particular efforts would be rewarded. How much happy endorphins to expect remains an elusive guess, most of the time. Still, I would be better off talking or typing with other historically gym-obsessed peers rather than the never-good-enough comparisons between ourselves and others on electronic games. Day 1 should follow here again tomorrow, which I could, by then, have felt an evening and early morning spent reading and communicating with people whom I know care just a little bit more than on the game. Happy Wednesday, all. ~ Matt

So as I predicted - but temporarily lost sight of - I spent one month warming down on a privately-hosted server copy of my long-term, habitual online game. I completed all of its levels for a 3rd time, after 2023 and 2024. It was easier to play, but harder to appreciate life alongside. That is what I've come back here to help myself do, and list odd bits of gratitude which might be relatable. I'm still getting accustomed to the new look of this forum (there should maybe be a picture of a book, or a waving hand for Introductions and Journals!), and haven't kept fully up-to-date on posts about gaming issues, but I've kept my thought processes attuned for the most part. For example, just as I completed the official game's levels, I couldn't stand to even try and celebrate a mere month's free time (compared to 2 years). The private server in question was also centralised around a home location, but frequently had players like me exploring 'dead' or obscure content to try and succeed, so there was some anxiety even there. Basically though, whilst it could have been the recently-defined mistake of eating a ton of carbohydrates first thing for breakfast, I think had I spent yesterday morning reading/creating a novel, or learning of other people's personal experiences in-depth (which is what feels like my most natural task), I would have appreciated the unsuccessful trip outside enough to complete it. Today I was given a video tour of a relative's home, and I found myself envying everything from the history of the place, how comfortable they seem to have been with their travels, and healthy social urges, to simply express things with very good timing. That last is what I admire and value the most. I have been tiring of constant in-game comparisons and ego conflicts. It's late morning on a Monday, and I mean to to try and keep up the cleanliness of my apartment, as well as read in an unbiased way. Gratitude: ~ I eventually used an old motto reassurance to beat a last quest, which could/used to help with real-world situations: 'You know the drill!' ~ Dishwasher and microwave appliances ~ Daylight savings as a small and familiar challenge ~ A new and interesting cutlery storage unit Thanks guys, and peace. ~ Matt

@Amphibian220 said it well, personal hygiene often does indeed save the day. Nothing seems easier to me than smiling after a thorough teeth-cleaning, or being able to settle down after showering and scrubbing. However, most of the time, feeling 'smart' about using more passive game-time while simultaneously trying to chat/problem-solve with someone is made that much more difficult and shallow. This is a solid post. I'll probably reverse that order to: replacement behaviours->passions->dreams 😀

Hi @Adrian , and welcome. It's interesting to read of how you seemed to lose a lot of weight in the habit instead of put it on. That's been conceivable for me of course, but not what I usually hear/think of! One way I've been phrasing apparent motivation to study (as long as games are a reward) is as 'incomplete confidence'. You know, to undertake a new mission (game or study; they become confused) or something. For me, it's a mindfulness journey - 100 daily decisions to stop and think, instead of plough ahead through a new gaming or otherwise excessive goal. I just signed off because 1) I was drained, and 2) hungry - but also 3) to stare at the computer screen from a few metres away, lying down to ponder what clicking and watching animations on it means to me. It is also very nice to see that you're in a stable relationship. You might be one of the people who is always going to make their way in life - provided that the 'nuggets' of addictive and entertainment 'gold' aren't allowed to swallow up too much time and effort, with the lure of reward motivation. If you've got good memories of things simply 'working out' consistently because of intrinsic warmth and motivation (like when programming or during what physical exercise that you can enjoy (that's a big one for me)), hold on to them - and your people! 🙂

Friday evening, September 19: Since about 2.5 weeks ago, I've drifted back to a copy of the game that I've been addicted to. Aside from the three wrongs that gaming achieves (senselessness, unfulfilling time spent, and false confidence), I have been coming to understand errors in my life goals just that little more clearly - especially seeing more opportunities and ideas available when I am focusing on the offline world. Things never truly go 'swimmingly' when I'm wading/paddling through in-game objectives, and while my offline experience still leaves a lot to be desired, my physical systems usually thank me for retiring from games (for part of, or a whole day at least). That is, all I have to do is regulate my breathing, heartbeat and mental dialogue. A lot of that simply goes out the window during online engagement. Plus, now I've tasted abstinence and a passable social life and made some positive memories of them, even the greatest in-game successes don't measure up. Sure, I read, type and generally talk more excessively when keeping off of the computer during periods of quitting. But people can see that I'm making real progress of a kind - I sense it; they just haven't quite said it, outright. So when I'm occasionally disappointed in myself or others, and haven't been able to recall that moment where someone has said 'you're doing good/well', I think of all the fluid and competent games that I could play. Maybe being an adult is about being cognisant of so many of the world's worries, and deliberately choosing to work at what reasonably falls under one's influence/control. One thing I am sometimes conscious of is a fine line between nagging and motivating - for example when as a kid, I used to ask every 6 weeks (sensing a pattern) when the gentlemen of the family would visit the grandparents next. I knew that my Dad both wanted and didn't want to go, but also that I could tip the balance in favour of it by choosing to be sincere. Yesterday, I could have pushed for/reminded him to come out jogging, as he did for me when I first got into fitness, but I know that he is still also his own relentless taskmaster. Me, I have an appointment diary, but scheduling so that I 'waste absolutely no time' has yet to take hold. I realise that it could actually be good for me, as it was when I used to do math homework until appropriate bed/reading time. Back in school, it was pride in completing all set tasks and fully comprehending that I could finally spend time online - but perhaps only so I could help and include others. Living/spending so much time in my own space has whittled down such attitudes a bit. Showing up hygienically to the local library may be a good bet. At least since I completed the levels on my official game of addiction, I have been 'feeling some of the magic' when away (case in point) from the customised, private server based on it. Only, I've been lagging behind in interpersonal contexts - some things have been hard for me to remember and 'follow', as thinking about the next gaming session looms in the middle-back of my mind, in the conspicuous absence of reading and reflection throughout the day. Gratitude: ~ Tinned tuna (mackerel taste quality went down a bit, will revisit soon) ~ One month largely enjoyed without eating loaves of various bread, or wheat biscuits ~ Weekly time spent with a peer social worker ~ Not reading information/guides on how best to play at addiction-games at bedtime Peaceful wishes to y'all, ~ Matt

Wednesday evening: I watched several free documentaries this past week and a half, including The Secret Life of the Brain (2002 - yeah, I know, but it was like learning a little bit back in a simpler time). In order to keep the viewer interested I imagine, each of the five episodes in the series focused on one to three problems that present in the brain, such as Alzheimer's in the elderly. I haven't usually watched such things outside of school, and watching real people who would have agreed to be filmed and 'got on with it' was like an 'on' switch for the heart-brain for awhile. I did 'have' to share my attention between them and some noob-gaming though. Today has really made me wonder how much I need to balance visuals, sensory inputs and everything else in order to feel challenged/at least competent in brain-use. For example, I'm uncommonly good at ordering my movements (or 'pathfinding') between people on the street, and keeping an ear out or two. Maybe that's just a luxury of not being quite as distracted by my phone. A problem did finally present itself today in the form of an aggressively-moving (I don't know how else to put it) young adult, with a few doubtless moments. Had I gone straight to the park where I met him, 2 hours earlier (instead of settling in for a game session for a bit), we may not have crossed paths. As it happened, he marched around the small park area performing energetic pull-ups, spitting water from the fountain, and twirling a large stick, which was eventually pointed a foot from my face. I told him embracingly (he had no English words for me or anyone else) that it was 'impressive' (what he had achieved - that is, prompting me to semi-calmly consider my mortality). It's that sort of thing which makes me ask where my luck really comes from. I needed the cup of tea I made post-cleaning with Wheatbiscuit Senior, and what comes from the five minutes of drinking is often the formed habit of signing into some activity on my computer (reading a book, or my phone in bed risks spilling the tea I hold simultaneously). It seems like I'll eventually have to stop procrastinating with games - but it's not just daily workouts I'm doing that with; I'd like to master weekly chores (such as deep-cleaning on my own) and socialising, with the potential to make additional close friends. I just need to balance my need to relax/reset with mindful movements towards those goals. In any case, I was as impressed with the young man's restraint (he didn't hit me or steal my backpack) as much as my own calm - especially as I only performed about 1/3 of the repetitions I wanted (low carbohydrate afternoon). So I walked back home at least having broken a sweat, saying to myself that I may as well maintain calm in the short to medium-term. I never really thought about projecting that consciously. Well, that's all. Cleaning part two is due tomorrow. I wish for the strength to continue caring as much as today. 🙂 Peace, ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ Mechanical yet kind interaction at another grocery store ~ Protein powder (and water) still tasted good (ice added) ~ Only one stress-added comment at the end of cleaning from WS 😛 ~ Not being scarred by a stick/tree branch, and having enough breath left to say hello!

Monday afternoon: 'Relapses suck' doesn't quite do the process of recommitment to an electronic game justice. Today, I finished the levelling system on the game I've regularly slaved at for 15 years (back then was when I had started to daydream about repetitive visual clicking goals). Aside from making a time goal of it at all, I shouldn't have built up the moment of fireworks in my mind, or paid attention to those who questioned/congratulated me on the endeavour. I had what was probably a kind of panic attack, because I couldn't figure out how to record or capture my screen for said fireworks, upon reaching the last-to-maximum level. It's a strange thing, having a mental condition that sees you avoid many pitfalls that an average-yet-healthy citizen might not, but being able to become trapped in routines that regularly neglect either the body or mind for some periods of time. This one involved my body, I think. In short, I haven't met/known a person, especially now, who can honestly say that such a goal/journey is worth it/worthwhile - if only because it only takes one poorly-timed catastrophe to wreck a person's situation; or a million, steady mouse-clicks. Glad to be here to explain that. Peace for the week, and start of a new season! ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ My dishwasher came apart, so I began to enjoy a handwashing task ~ I saw a manager-type at the grocer's holding it together well, after overhearing him discussing sick leave for mental health ~ Obviously, the climactic anticlimax of a fully-levelled official game profile - not to be imitated! ~ Reading a sci-fi novel once again for the first time since I bought the series, during my 2023 detox