wheatbiscuit

Hiya all, happy weekend! So much to say, but since it's here, I'll say that after a couple of hours each day for a week, I was finally defeated by bad luck in terms of why I was sticking with one in-game activity. Today is a voting day, and I got that out of the way early - but on top of my defeat, I want to spend some time finding out how people have gone with the process, which probably just means walking around outside and browsing media, even if I talk little to none. On the topic of talking, I've been wondering how many of us actually do that like we used to. The process should have remained simple: shared interest and equal information exchange over available time. But I've seen and read what suggests there's just too much oneupmanship and schadenfreude - spiteful joy. I guess there just has to be smarter or re-learning how to be smarter about approaching conversations. -> Us youngish males, for instance, should get better at overcoming feelings of enmity when facing a person in preparation just to talk. Yesterday, I felt secure in my course to arrive at the gym, until when both I and a wayward-ish man laid eyes upon each other: I thought by his swaggering glances at passersby that he could be dangerous, whereas he, perhaps at my size and slow walk saw me as 'the next challenge' for the morning. Anyway, my legs started to shake after we closed our distance, and despite it being a nice day and how comfortable I'd felt halfway through the gym-route, I still managed to think to myself, 'Is this the end of me, now, almost meaninglessly?' No, I was determined to be agreeable and soft-spoken as usual, until we first made for the direction I was going in, before he lost focus and 'started' backwards upon a few others. Just my thinking and concentrated disruption to my journey alone has made me wonder whether I should wait a little longer before heading back there. Is that enough to say? What would you guys have done? To inform on us both, I've frequently been a little lost over the past few years, and I think I a lot of people would have mentally constructed a homelessness/drug-addiction profile of the person I met - maybe. I also talked with my mum as she stayed nearby this week, about how I used to meet needs on my MMORPG fake copy, after high school finished: how I was a 'good sport', generally liked and so on. I've forgotten the finer points, but she just said 'we can't go back (in time)' - you know, except in memory. This made me think and wonder how much I really want to remember, going forward, and how much I should just focus on feelings of actual accomplishment and livelihood. Finally noting; I'm may be going to work next week and applying for part-funded study in the meantime. It's just hard to let go of good memories, and even some of the bad, though well-collected. Hang in there; it's just a season/period of time. ~ Matt

https://forum.gamequitters.com/index.php?/topic/11009-im-struggling-with-gaming-addiction/#findComment-89905 So I read this post from close to a year ago, and I thought of how I ration carbohydrates and sugars mostly pretty well. Then I thought of the last few activities my most 'advanced' gaming profile has left for that game's maximum level; the variety offered, when bored from an already-actual escape from boredom/occasional 'empty' time alone kind of suckered me in this morning. Today has still been a good day, but not entirely optimal - and though I had emotional outbursts as a kid perhaps more than average (I wish I'd been taught to lift from a young age; sometimes well-directed brute force is all I need), none of that seemed to really lastingly affect anybody until I got onto this game (maybe my parents, but how could I have really known back then?). What was happening last weekend was that I felt completely stuck in my head - not quite ruminating negatively, but that I just didn't know how to express/get it out, even when walking around the park full of probably-happy people. That was frustrating. I basically drifted back home with the purpose of collapsing in front of my computer, knowing that it would be so much easier, if not more 'natural' (a modern problem). I've watched several documentaries whilst idly playing, and it feels less like being played for a complete sucker by entertainment than having something like empathy tapped into. Maybe my next challenge for now is devoting my full attention to some of those, and taking notes for myself. I've done that 10 years before now, but while trying to study and living with my family - it was less impressing then. There's also my deal with medication. --> Another family member actually asked on the phone today whether I thought it was living on my own, or the major medication change that took place at the same time as moving that frequently made me significantly angry/sad. That all happened at once, including my additional studies and renewed game membership. I really like stability, and mainly just the freedom to do more when I can. Hackneyed though it may be, balance is probably what I want, basically. Gaming in moderation? Well, the best and worst times are when I've forgotten that I was moderating it. This one I've played rewards excess, pretty much, and also from the post linked above, frequent 'complete control' whilst at rest. I'm quite afraid to be shaken free of that and having to wade through my real reactions and deal with potentially damaging dramas. When I'm truly attempting to rest, there is actual dread when my phone notifies me of a text message, because misinterpretation is so damned easy. I think it's the reason people often think of things as 'divisive', 'polarising' or 'heated' - it's us and our choices, nothing more, IMO. Gratitude: ~ More good weather, but punctuated by sudden, humbling un-forecast rain ~ Discovering documentaries ~ A new gifted oven ~ Showering without much of my own grief Over and out, ~ Matt

Somehow, the venting post edit that I tried to make got lost, so suffice it to say that I have to exercise my will on electronics some more to self-soothe over the holiday antics of others. See you all soon. ~ Matt

Day #3 The first (this time around) gaming dream. There were two imaginary quest parts, both in which I forgot to carry out an action because I took confidence and preparation for granted. There's a certain sluggish carelessness that I move about my room with, when I haven't been trying to chase experience points online, that I don't like. What can I do when my main instinct is usually to rush through most activities - unless I'm trying to get to know someone? As soon as I got up for the bathroom, I was thinking about how impossible genuine relations with family members have been - how almost nothing gets us anywhere. This takes a lot of mental energy and gives rise to despair throughout much of the day. I'm only typing to get this out in the morning, and in case someone has input - then I could go further. Otherwise I might just edit the whole post and recount the day in the evening. Gratitude: ~ Super-fast time passing (also slightly disturbing) while typing a main scene of a story I started in February ~ Cold water ~ Microwaving ~ Not feeling too anxious

Day #2 I had a near-perfect gym visit after yesterday's entry, but 'So what?' was my thought. Still, I felt at peace on the way home. Another friend I met whilst gaming once asked me if I 'would deny people some hypocrisy', and I considered that a stupid question - though it may not be a virtue, maybe it is not too far down the list of vices either. I simply likened hypocrisy to 'the heart having conflicting desires' - the mind may be able to be pure/clear with work/effort, but I guess the heart has to settle for less sometimes (I noticed hypocrisy within, a few times this week, when trying to find extra quiet time for myself). 'So what?' again, perhaps, because I still find it more than helpful to decide that there is always more time to be made/given to make considerations. For the first time, I woke up - and straight away - effectively browsed and responded to job ads. Gratitude: ~ Not completely losing my mind without much stimulation after resting post-gym for a long while ~ No 'dead arm' in the night ~ Everything physically being where I left it ~ Nice weather Peace, ~ Matt

Day #1 As expected, I slept well without plans to cram game-time into the early hours. What I also should have expected was feeling like celebrating that with a gaming session. Lol As an alternative, I then mentally found myself trying to plan and confront problems that I'd ineffectively brushed to the side. GL, me.

I've just left a gaming-monster assignment unfinished, and further supplies un-gathered. As I prepared to sign off, a player named 'M Depressed' arrived with, it seemed, nothing to say. I typed in chat that in time, he would kick depression's butt, de-geared and clicked to go offline. Things have been alright, but there was a handful of moments since our Summer ended that were too rough for my liking. Things like meaningful conversations and offline excursions were only bearable, either honest or otherwise. While I did frequently wonder where I was headed in life during the first* 90 days out of the game I've known for over two decades, it was better than and mostly devoid of such moments. I'll probably still have 'off' feelings and days, but if I detox again, I should at least have way more presence of mind and increasingly enjoy planet Earth. Day #0.

Saturday Gratitude: ~ Beautiful weather. Most years at this time, I do feel some uncertainty, but it's been really nice to go outside even just for a couple of hours. ~ Aside from when I've thought about extra potential problems and inefficient decisions, belonging has felt attainable this week ~ I took a week to on-and-off finish reading Harry Potter 1 again. It could be more than 10 times over, I don't know. But finishing it seemed sweeter even with another re-read and a new novel (Dickens) still laying bookmarked on the table. ^ Some moments in the story - 'Voldemort!! (Harry insists saying to Hagrid) I've met him and I'm calling him by his name.' - This seemed important because maybe even people who've done/tried doing 'the worst' things can be reasoned with by name, and names being important to remember for those times. With the last person I talked with in the gym, we didn't exchange our names - possibly because I only half-agreed with him on the spot - so I wondered whether we'd counted as having met. ^ Also at the end of the book, I was reminded of my first detox and the determination I had to; 1) Keep from indulging, 2) Exercise, especially during the push-up challenge, and 3) Attend social events. This reminder because even though I didn't earn a degree that year, rewards came in the forms such as healthy sleep - the 3 friends in Harry Potter had been determined to thwart Voldemort's return, succeeded, and so allowed themselves to (almost carefree) celebrate at the end of the school year. That said, the last few mornings I've had 8 hours of unbroken sleep and been able to rise (as long as 5:30am has passed) promptly, yet almost without anxiety. This I think came from looking forward to peace and quiet before sunrise. I'd still rather be on the way to work, but the challenge of actively deciding what to do immediately and what I'm able to do later has been nice. To finish typing, comically, I actually had to settle down and finish reading HP 1 because I'd microwaved vegetables. That's because it's basically the most humbling/healthy meal of the day, and I don't want to lose concentration on it by gaming simultaneously. Hah! Happy weekend.

Gratitude: ~ The weather was kind and easily appreciated ~ I got out to the park for half of an old standard workout from mid 2023. I even thought about trying to improve that basic strength again daily. ~ I also went to see whether I might need my wisdom teeth/tooth taken out, and that was a challenging (yet neutral-ish) solo adventure ~ Three dated movies this week to collect thoughts - Hancock, Toy Story and Hannibal: Red Dragon. Also resumed the third season of Stranger Things to watch its finale. Kind of underwhelming, but all of them in a way challenging to watch. An old gaming buddy once told me he'd slowly dialled back on the fast-paced-ness/constantly changing scenes in newer movies to restore his attention span, or something. That'll probably stick with me while I wonder further about necessary screen time. I did actually watch all of the above while clicking through an RPG activity though. I wouldn't have watched any with complete attentiveness - my thinking went something like, 'since these last few levels mostly take place like schematics, I might as well..'. I've maybe talked about this before, but a major if not the main pleasure in my life is losing myself in creation of things - imagination while reading/listening, or cleaning/organising things. Also like I said, the duties eventually run out. Unless I was caught up in myself, gaming was always an extra. What I don't want is to feel like I wasted time. Feelings are subjective, whereas I know that technically, I could teach myself full anatomy with built-up focus and drive. That part of me is the kind of person that just pushes through crowds and stuff though. I have had the benefit of seeing how the successes of extended family members presents in their personalities, and the drawn-out tension is not much appealing to me. Maybe any electronic play is simultaneously stressful and rewarding, so I might as well try for similar successes. I know that's why I've stuck with it for so long - micro-rules, like timing of animations - reliable. That's all for now. ~ Wheat

It sounds good to me, having not much happening to speak of, that is - I thought the loose plan I shared last Friday was good until the time came later to march ahead with it. Stress ensued. I could imagine how personal weights training with a (an actual kindred) partner would go for me - maybe 30-40 minutes of facing each other opposite with constant, improvised and repeated sets until breathless, or something. My first few 'dates' were all tag-along (for her) exercise. I'm a really smart guy. LoL - Did you go the whole hog and buy extra screw-on plates as heavy as multiple 5kg/11lbs?

Thanks Amph. That was basically my high school motto, and it was always at the back of my mind - until all the effort in the world wasn't good enough for important people in my life. Ah, don't I love bringing that up? _________ Update: I spent a week online after a weak 'good morning' of sorts from wheatbiscuit senior (yeah, disappointed there yet again). That felt different (and preceded) the last 3 days, when I tried to resume the 'ultimate level goal' again. It's so stupid, and only 20% of it is fun, I just get on a roll until it's too late to avoid the pain and regret afterward. Will try harder to order my life more, regardless. _________ Today I had offline therapy, and that also came along quickly. I had a good vent/emptying-out, though on the walk home, I saw someone that I thought was either having sudden substance withdrawal pangs or was actually in natural, gut-wrenching emotional pain; you can't make up the expression that was on his face - and I couldn't approach him. Something didn't seem right. I stopped to look back, as I thought someone was going to talk to him, but no one really did. There was a compelling force and a mental image to sit down by the person, share their pain and maybe join in with some tears, but my feet wouldn't take me backward or fully stop. Not only that, but someone who'd had kind words for me who I would recognise anywhere walked by me a block afterward. E-games or no e-games, I keep avoiding growth opportunities like them. That's my real problem. __________ Maybe there are lots of people who are safe and sane for me to be with and not have to overcompensate around. I just receive so many doubtful signals from within and out - anxiousness. There are patterns of reactions I'm often aware of, and as my Dad often explains, 'No good deed goes unpunished'. I suppose that's like saying 'Don't 'virtue-signal'/expect a rewarding feeling for doing good'. I should look harder, too, for avenues to just do good out of habit. Today's workout turned out positive, after a couple of mental and physical barriers. At the risk of IDing myself, I probably sweat the most in the place by a mile. I don't like that much - for mess and towelling off frequently - but there was pride in it. Have at me for using that e-crutch some more, I guess. Peace out. ~ Wheat

Right, so I understand. Electronic gaming is wrong, as it: 1) Makes me take leave of my senses 2) Leads to false confidence 3) Causes time to pass in an unfulfilling manner Today was tough because it was almost entirely run by me. I haven't yet broken into an offline 'tribe' that feels safe and sane. I also felt more excitement than fear when I tried to start the day as per one plan, but it was outnumbered by several others that were neglected. I am afraid of becoming 'too much' for people to deal with. Even walking out of my door, it turned out, was poorly timed. I faced a surly, older male, whose message I interpreted as 'You'd better be about to have a good day, starting an hour or two later than 8 or 9am, with your hat and backpack, or else.' I mean, why? Why, world? Thanks. Lol ~ Matt

Guys, I mean, if it's really 'YOLO', and the best way to recreate slightly more mature versions of 'shared play in the sandpit' is on instant-messaging RPGs for people born the way I was, then what am I really doing here that's ultimately effective? I really do remember almost as much in my first few years as say, ages 5 to 7. Somehow, just somehow, when I was younger, I was able to adapt to situations in ways that adults excused, on the way to completing school. Now, I face a really large dilemma. I need to f*** around in ways that allow me to do healthy, shared reflection, yet stop myself from being reeled in by game-programmed rewards. I see in today, aside from a few differences, that my duty to myself is to while away daylight hours in massive reflection, regardless of whether I do it here or elsewhere, during benign activities that eventually run out in my private space, like personal hygiene, cleaning, reading, etc. Small case-in-point: I just made three slices of toast with canned fish, solving and thinking of a small problem along the way. But now that I've taken my plate out of the kitchen, I wish there was activity and discussion taking place 'around' me. Is this clear yet? Will be unlikely to be encouraged unless this makes sense to someone without prompting 100 leading questions. 😕

Last night, undead bears at an aquarium zoo on a school field trip featured in one dream. Riddle that one out! Assuming real problems with NPD, have I discovered that responsibility is one thing that we cannot simply 'project'? It is the most right words and actions, is it not? My own first real values search almost singularly add up to valuing 'process', I think. That said, having only two real values wouldn't really stop one's actual personality coming through to fill blank spaces in situations (expression/sensations/advice taken to heart, in place of other words). That could be three, people! Story/summary time: I wanted to avoid sinking too deep into re-reading fiction this morning because I've both thought and dreamt about a new potential travel route to the good but distant gym for many days now. ^ Edit: I didn't get very far at all that first venture out. I started thinking about what I was doing it for - just the thrill of re-awakening the movement patterns and muscle groups, mostly. I thought about the messes I'd left at home, the resumes I haven't handed out after a week of printing them, and who would even benefit from my 2-3 hours spent. I know that future me would be stronger - enough to help others perform physical tasks, but with the new mode of transport, that wasn't front of mind. The potential perfect kitchen to work in could even be on my or the next local street, but I fear it impinging on my self-given right to 'work behind the scenes' if anyone wants to me to 'show off' in whatever way. I can barely help that; what with preferring to think through the movements of people around me who are happy to things without such analysis, and fancying myself only 'emergency-ready'. I would like to see those things change, but I almost don't believe that I could make myself uncomfortable enough in the short term to achieve significant results - not without swearing, posturing and challenging so many people and things along the way. I've seen people begin only to 'shine' in very confronting situations, and it was often sad and ugly. I kind of wish everybody was the same size/stature often times. So I'll clean, and stuff - maybe go out again. Gratitude: ~ Not getting poured rain on ~ Kind of knowing when vigorous texting on the phone is a bad idea ~ Recognising that I had a real problem with attempts to 'dress up' already-bad news entertainingly and setting it aside ~ Idk if this counts, but acknowledging 'the journey' again when the thought of one of my previous game's many inconvenient addictive aspects was my first waking thought

I never outright asked to be medicated. I agreed to it starting around a decade ago when people inside and outside of the family (finally) started showing concern. I would now have to be desperate to increase what I take, like I had become back then. I mean, today I was pretty sure that someone was about to walk past me on the popular trail, decided I looked funny and kicked something in my direction dramatically. I dismissed that with one or two thoughts without reaction. Back then was way worse for control issues. A former game-buddy that I used to mention told me that 'drugs are never the answer' and that getting off of my medication should be my 'first step' to being healthy/happy/satisfied/whatever he thought I meant. His ideals were mainly in the first half of the 1900s though. I did my best to keep up and still inform him of how things were for me, but we never reached the point of saying 'let's really slow down and talk things through', you know? - As a side note, he also told me that all of my 'interests' were in fact 'hobbies', and I picked away at the past for awhile before saying that I was interested in close human relationships, shortly before I was deemed 'too incoherent' and his needing a break from me or something. I blocked him instead of trying to argue on that. Don't think it has left my mind, but medication has pretty much stopped me from trying to break things whenever I saw 'fit' to. 😐 But hey, maybe I shouldn't have minded all of the people trying to force me to be more like their kind of 'man'. Maybe even at my size, I should be throwing my hands over shoulders and spending minutes of every first introduction trying to size people up. I'd sooner forget all of the arguing I used to do to try and get people onto my wavelength, which I did in order avoid those primitive minutes. I'd be okay with being a 'nobody' forever, but 'doing my thing' for longer and longer on games would basically make me appreciate less what I do have offline. Hence, this and my other habits.