wheatbiscuit

Sunday: Not a lot of problems presented themselves today; maybe as I woke up right before 6am again, focused and refreshed. There still wasn't any complete avoidance of discomfort, even clicking on imaginary trees and wood onscreen, throughout. I pushed myself outside a second time with summer clothing on, a little tightly-fitted but I said 'screw any external perceptions of the choice' and walked well for ~45 minutes. Now I am a little pepped up on a second cocoa - maybe I'll pay again for that, maybe I won't. Just glad it went okay and better than many Sundays past. Maybe it's because I spent most of the day feeling sorry for people I didn't know - who couldn't/don't directly wreck things for me - on documentaries. It wasn't all about long-term health though, perhaps; I had something like excuses for not asserting myself where it might have brought me peace/pleasure (I don't think they should mix too often here), as that may be destiny. I tell myself I'm being realistic and practical rather than reacting instinctively with a lot of guesswork. Gratitude: ~ Good weather mostly, and not getting full rain-pour on the morning walk ~ Trip outside #2 instead of napping and feeling restless before proper sleep later, like yesterday ~ Feeling in better tune with surroundings rather than shutting them out ~ The righteous sin of opportunity-consideration on game profiles I don't know what my mind will present me overnight without forcing anything, but I wish all of you guys good luck. ~ Matt

Saturday evening: Not long ago, I read a news piece about a recurring subject of 'men being 'in trouble/left behind''. One thing the contributor tried to communicate was 'When you start blaming others for your problems, that's when you've 'lost the script''. However, he lost points with me for tangentially suggesting a requirement that each person (man) be able to justify their existence. I've started off now too sincerely, so the angry tool in my toolbox was glowing up at me - anyway, as an addict might do, I did want to espouse one benefit of the re-release of the childhood game of mine that I'm still giving time over to, and say that it enabled reflection and analysis, enough that I started questioning things and people around me. This is significant because I found myself momentarily in front of my mother, in some deep yet casual conversation. I don't remember what I was saying, but I distinctly remember her asking me back, "You mean, I should stop thinking that the world revolves around me?" I was 19 or 20, yet I was horrified at this, after the months of online reading into the NPD that I supposedly had/was branded with by my ex. Aside from all of the nonsense my Dad spouted over the years, I thought inwardly, 'These people/this person was trusted to raise me into a societally responsible being?' Thus, the finger(s) of blame. ___________ Two other people that I've never met, who surely would have been at odds with their main respective lines on life, nevertheless shared (somewhat) a view of eternal responsibility - that is, holding ourselves accountable for all deeds since birth, and perhaps even in previous lives. I won't go further into that today. One of these individuals clearly hoped that his relevant work would prompt a dramatic turnaround in many people's lives, by the explanation of a person 'choosing the easy option' their 'entire' life''. He valued intelligence, and intelligence sometimes suggests that saving effort could be a better decision, at times. Anyway, perhaps he simply meant 'from a young age', or the realisation of consciousness that comes anywhere between the ages of 1 and 6, I guess. It probably ties in with learning speech. Me, I don't think that I had many problems until the family relocated overseas. This is a matter of positive or negative choices of reframing, but if I had to play both sides, I'd say that I felt both encouragingly challenged and yet coerced to follow around at the airport. Yes, I remembered such a scene and emotion clearly from anywhere from ages 3 to 7. Again, with the condition(s) I believe I was born with, I might now try to point blame, but I still don't know what good that would do, unless it consolidated what friendships I have within the family somehow, in conversation. ___________ Like I said this week, I rarely feel low/prompted enough to get these things out face to face with people, and maybe I use torturous workouts and gaming sessions, or even abstinence to get myself there. What's important to me is that I know what to work with in the future and what not to. In the meantime, I choose not to repeat mistakes in day/routine-planning, like going out at night with a poor mental state. Alas, it is a Saturday night, but this has been stimulating enough. I had an hour of sleep in the afternoon, so maybe I'll have the same bedtime as most people tonight (9-10pm to 6-7am). It helps for me to feel in sync in some ways at least with many others. The rest of my family, I don't know. Peace guys, ~ Matt

Early Saturday morning: Yes, as soon as both of my music and my regular game are on, I am basically shutting out reality - or at least, the reality/gravity of what bothers/moves me. It's also doubly hard when what I type/text thoroughly is almost completely ignored, in the case of my explanations of negative feelings to people I care about. After 80% of my text message to my Dad was done, I said that I hoped he felt better after our failed meet-up as well. It was either the easy option, or scarier still, the natural option, for him to say 'I'm fine, I'm just this way, and thanks'. Aside from the potentially obvious (making sure the next tone set would be all about him, overlooking my description of misunderstandings of the kind being 'exquisitely painful since forever'). I've forgotten how to finish that last sentence re: grammar, but I don't want to choose anger. Perhaps I'm understanding that in the absence of immediate danger, 'reality' just doesn't set in for many people I know, despite claims to being 'usually factually correct', or calm as a cucumber. Big deal, right? 😆 When I read some posts here that help me to see the bigger picture for our society/world, I feel better. I can see outside of myself on a few occasions each day, but maybe just to support a worldview, years ago I started maintaining to myself that the most meaning in life is derived from strong connections to living beings/things, going as far as saying 'the' meaning. It's been mostly healthier than constant conflict, but when I've felt cornered increasingly (which is an unreasonable goal for too many people a situation to impose on others), the available flight response seems a lot less so. More recently, I've been trying to relate better to myself, but that, on the other hand, seems less revolutionary when I learn of most people trying to do the same. Is that the new definition of success, as unhappy world news is more prominent? I would guard against associating contentment with one's self to attempts at measuring success that way. I am sorry, but I had to work at this post as I clicked over a small game scene; otherwise, it would be less honest and more of a show of a shadow of honesty. I used to say it was for everyone's benefit, but perhaps it's been reality-avoidance. On that note, I want to simply make light of the twice-repeated notion that people not paying attention (impossibly) to my father's perceptions of reality and thoughts are in fact, ignoring reality by choosing to wear earphones during travel - if I were seeing through a protective lens of anti-narcissism, as I often am. Again, I am trying for humour instead of anger. Well, that's all. Thanks everyone. ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ Waking up before dawn but feeling like I actually got as much sleep as possible ~ A gym visit yesterday that happened despite a nervous moment, being with a new peer ~ Easy bathroom visits ~ Some living space cleaning

I'm gonna start with the end of the video you posted, almost - where the interviewee/'answer-giver' says that he missed an award to be presented to him, because he didn't know his grades, other than non-failure, and was maybe content with the effort he was putting in. That's where I liked the direction of the interview going after the first hour. Not that you should feel honoured - especially given what forum we're on - but I've stopped short of an in-game goal to give my honest opinion after finishing the video, before I fizzle out/reach basic contentment again. Here are 7 notes I made: 1) Considering factors of perfectionism and distress tolerance in wellbeing. 2) Considering emotional regulation and the acceptance/choice of discomfort as 'skills'. 3) Consider action for habit development, but inaction for habit-breaking. 4) 'Emotions do not cause unhappiness; things associated with emotion cause unhappiness'. 5) 'Technology has led to more activity/desire; boredom is simply the brain trying to calm down'. The last two are personal experiences related to the topic of the video: 6) Some of my past contingency planning involved what was once callously called (and quietly agreed upon) 'the biggest absolution of responsibility' - which simply meant confiding in family with serious problems up-front. The video made me wonder why that was, and more to the point, how those team members managed to make it into mental health, or even why they wanted to. I was actually so happy at the time that I couldn't find it in myself to be angry at anyone, those first 12-18 months of medication-taking. I guess that kind of makes it into the interviewee's time-frame for it. Perhaps I wasn't giving the professionals succinct and satisfying enough answers. 7) I should attest to both my father and I's experience of excelling because we were once content with our educations, not because we knew we were on track to the highest grades. Academia or no academia, I have more hope now for that sort of feeling in the future, however it comes. Thanks for posting, Wilder - I used to watch these kinds of videos with my full attention (I clicked very passively during this one), but was angry with myself, I guess, for desiring the lessons to be learnt quickly/the video to arrive at a point suitable for me immediately. Good luck. ~ Matt

Thursday, July 3 - I suppose Friday is a big day for some of you, I dunno. In case I'm not at my computer then, have a good time! There was a primordial misunderstanding of whereabouts between my Dad and I yesterday, and if I couldn't fathom any better description of the problem that may exist only between the two of us, I'd say that my determination to be calm made him even more flustered for travelling extra on foot and locating me. I, on the other hand, was ready to slowly walk home, meetup or no meetup. Perhaps all of this had already crossed his mind before he crossed the street, spotting me before the reverse - but as I say, I was hardly trying much. All of my usual mental defences/walls went up for the next 24 hours, and in the meantime, I completed a long game quest under circumstances that I hadn't touched in nine years, I was constantly wishing that all of the misunderstanding(s) between us never happened, and that we could be truly good friends. Sometimes in these moments, I think of profound phrases that might support strong clarity and boundaries, but I rarely get a chance/feel low enough to utter them. I just gave one a try as a text message, and since I intend to refuse (as long as I have the capacity to do so) to have text message standoffs on a phone. They just don't work, from what I've seen. So as of today I feel pretty knowledgeable in how the gaming profile - that I've played the most of since January - would be like for future 'quests/grinds'. I will be properly happy if I can steer clear effectively of the choice of anger for the longer-term, spanning most of my daily experiences. Over the last day, I simply gave hurtful feelings no breathing room, and planted a resolute smile on my face. It sucked, but it worked for awhile. As a closer look, I'll share one repeated inner statement - 'I will not accept any further challenges from you.' Obviously, that was just for this morning, in practice - but I could simply add 'right now' for the future. I've thought ahead to tomorrow morning regarding gaming, and should now try to put effort into remembering other various concerns over my next few hot drinks. That's all for now. Cheers. ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ Stopping and thinking clearly a few times at gameplay, and making the journey slow and smooth ~ Mike Oldfield music in the background, and music favourites whilst out walking ~ A good tone set with my would-be boss, though the kitchen found a full-time candidate before my part-time ~ Earphones worked underneath beanie

Week 1, Monday: There were a couple of choices open to me by late-morning, and I chose the short-term satieties. But I felt discouraged from not reaching my father in the moment - he has a partner (not my mother, if y'all could tell) who may have made it easier to be offline and more or less unreachable today. I don't blame anyone except the (even bigger) man upstairs, or rather, my own imagination. I'm not even angry or disappointed, just weary. I'll probably have to remind the hiring staff to register my proposed shifts before the days actually arrive, and Dad even pointed that out, but all I read/heard in his meagre text was 'I guessed the day and your meaning wrong, and you should be punished for my mistake' (old trauma). I did what was necessary, but I'm always going to know that the offline world is worth more. I just need to understand and be understood. See you tomorrow, as it's already darkening up for a few days of rain - and I'm tired from my own expenditures. Don't black out could be today's advice to anyone self-punishing. Don't worry as I do; it's unhealthy. Peace, ~ Matt

Week 1, Monday: So of course, I slept well because the plan not to sign into games this week was front of mind. Then, I made several small conscious decisions, like keeping the lights off until I was naturally awake. Fine, but then some sounds, and remembering my dad's recent solution to a skewed toilet seat being 'push it back', simply set me off into a rumination trip. I almost can't help it, that it's so natural for me to rapidly thought-hop as I go about my (morning and other) routines. Online gaming was 'enforced focus' from day 1 of discovery, and it somewhat addressed that - I'd include my original gameboy games, but they were gifts from my parents that I happened to get hooked on (Pokemon), plus back then I was a bit more forceful with objects and would shut those games off sharply when I thought I had to. I discovered my truly addictive game in a moment of boredom when its music emitted from my brother's room, and it was almost 'game over' for real world pursuits at that point. But I didn't want to come on here just to complain a load about the past, only because of a few facts of today's matters: -> Mindfulness (win), rumination (forfeit, or loss), the outdoor world (neutral as of yet). I may update my posts, but during my detox I often didn't unless I was already considering gameplay, and felt that things just didn't matter enough while away from them. Also, edits don't bump - is it foolish to suggest partial bumps in forum mechanics? I'm just after some momentum that won't land me in water that is too hot. Gratitude ~ This is really difficult right now, but I guess I progressed in the form of both new and old book-reading for a few hours yesterday ~ Some heavy metal played during the final fix of my game ~ Partial understanding of when people have had 'proper' moments of livelihood (like letting doors shut in a certain fashion but footsteps casual) ~ Actually gazing at my unwashed dishes and positive regard for them Peace, ~ Matt

Significant late Sunday morning post: It's 5 minutes til midday here now, but I've been awake since 4:30am from a dream-shock in the form of a TV monster (that I didn't even end up watching more of! - It was a previous creature). I'm pretty sure I actually gasped out loud, and that was my 8 hours of sleep already, so I got up. Now, aside from a lovely morning trip for groceries, I've basically just been online, clicking away with music. As of today, two feelings have gotten to me instead of the usual one - 1) Making my gaming profiles simply unusable/item-less/whatever, and 2) A scary feeling of dropping into sleep whilst sitting in my chair, brought on by stretching my arms above my head and leaning back. -> Maybe I should have slept 2 more hours until daybreak and that might have been good enough, or maybe I needed a second walk yesterday instead of staying sedentary from midday onward. But there's probably no denying that gazing into the screen with an active mind but dragging the rest of me behind, played its part. ^ That's not all though. I am awaiting the official assigning of two full-length work-shifts doing washing-up and preparation to me for next week, and I want to be sure that I turn up both fit, and healthy, without preoccupations. If I don't play my problem game, and nothing upsets me, and the work turns out badly (yet I felt a certain closeness with the staff from a mere 2 hours last week, so I am hoping I can get integrated there), then I'll be able to tell what to do next. ___________ So, I'm going to take one full week away from gameplay; by the Monday after next (in 8 or 9 days), I should have both worked and processed my thoughts and feelings about it. If I integrate well, I'll start abstaining with a multi-weekly count. My next post, I intend to start with 'Week 1, Monday:' (and so on), posting what I need to. That's all for the serious score. ___________ Gratitude: ~ Finishing off maybe 2/4 of the main parts to a full-fledge ('free to pwn') game profile, with precisely 'the right amount of stress' - there was a bad moment last night when I used 30% of some points total to avoid a much-too-dangerous task. If I weren't set on abstaining for at least a week already, I would at least restrict the activities list to an absolute minimum. I'm really not even close to beating all of the game's achievements and 'bosses' - on that note, it's hard being a real-life boss; why should I care if I personally can intentionally beat one? ~ A sunny day before four days of forecast rain ~ Wholegrain crackers with nuts ~ The only pain this Sunday has caused me so far, is finding out after 2 hours awake that a break from my game is pretty much non-negotiable. Giving this next workplace an honest try and keeping friends and family in the loop about things at this time of year is a high priority. Well, that's all - and I know it'll be hard, but happy weekend everyone, and good luck. ~ Matt

Saturday morning: Easy decision, coming online here to type - I missed yesterday as I had enough to think about, plus I left my new, would-be boss a message saying I'd like further training/opportunities after the first 2 hours. I've woken myself up to leave one over the phone before the business ramps up today, and will leave it at that for the weekend. Also, a lot of my energy was used up yesterday on a friends program meet up for 3 hours, and I did some repetitive game-playing that I previously deemed 'too painful' to do anymore of, but was 'necessary to progress further' in it. If y'all must know, the time has come around again to watch the last couple of weeks of my subscription dwindle. Unfortunately, my brain has already formed some plans around that in free-play, but that is incredibly boring without people who will chat with you at the same time - maybe it'll mean a proper break. -> I know that the standard advice revolves around changes being promptly made in the here and now, but since I've already come here - I'll just be thinking about the timing of more important activities in the day, as usual. Time to try and plan the weekend; good luck all. Gratitude: ~ I double-checked why I couldn't heat my frying pan to finally see I'd knocked the plug out - fixed and cooking done ~ Even two hours of moderate working pressure made me grateful to return home, and later a healthy hour of lifting - I wonder what double or triple that would do in the same place, if it is to go well ~ I felt well enough to think of resuming a TV series just for its 80s vibes - though the scares and twists are a little weird - maybe principle says not to, but I could look at spoilers/plot summaries to assist me ~ Gratitude for gratitude (gratception) Over and out. ~ Matt

Thursday morning: I missed typing yesterday, partly as I had not much planned Tuesday/Wednesday. However, I got out for some high-repetition upper-bodyweight exercise yesterday afternoon. I also finished re-watching 'Major Payne' in the evening - @Yan, he looks a bit like David Goggins; you might like him, voice-acting considered. I might as well give a kind of review of the movie: Someone whose father was in the military suggested it when I was a teenager. That same someone later encouraged some youth-training - anyway, whilst I didn't 'get' a lot of Major Payne's 'adult-speak' the first two watches, I picked up some this time: e.g. 'What, you think family don't break up? Ain't you ever watched Oprah?' - I didn't remember that last reference, and he spoke those words 'normally'. I don't remember having watched any Oprah yet. 😮 ^-> By the end of the movie, the main character has a vision/epiphany and there is a happy-ish ending. His character doesn't change - much. I liked the straight-forwardness of the dialogue and story (it's a 1995 movie after all, I guess), and how it stopped just shy of making me cringe. The movie also has a good opening. The principal of the school is an antique. ______________ I've been meditating for a trial work shift today. I aim not to let 2 hours of even the worst experience get me down, and will hopefully be able to exercise in company an hour or so afterward. Before that, yes, I was fooling around on my joke of a problem game. I've had a run of luck, combined with sensible 'choices' inside of it. Maybe I'll find no reason (of any twisted design of my own) to dive back in later. Good luck, everyone. ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ A dream in which I did almost two-dozen, slow ab rollouts until failure, in good company - will try soon while awake! ~ Contact with a hirer, obviously ~ Surviving the relative cold temperatures ~ Harry Potter book 5 (they're not over til I'm utterly and painfully bored, I suppose) ___________ Notes space (none yet)

Tuesday morning: Yesterday, I went for a short jog and a moderate deadlifting session later after. Not my best, but I did hold on to/grip a decent weight for the longest time in awhile. I thought inwardly this morning that I could replace games with movies again (not so much TV series, as they seem to present less moral lessons and try too hard to encourage that we watch every single episode/season, but maybe one or two included). I did this before, after adapting to a new medication, and becoming done with (one of a few in my history) a copycat game. It might work for me again, because unless the movie content is significantly disturbing, it can be effective escapism, as well as evoking empathy. I tend to reserve intense criticism for when the movie (after several pauses) is finished, instead of exclaiming mid-way, 'Great directing/ad-lib/special effects!' etc. I think that's because in the past, I've latched on to details at various points, letting the rest wash over me as I think about them. I want to appreciate the work put into films constantly, but at the same time, I also don't. What do you guys think? I'd try to post about how they got me through the day, and what I favoured in them instead of games. The movie I've started today was a continuation of nostalgia-seeking, which is what my re-released problem game was initially about. I thought of the title because of a few searches and beginning-watches I went through yesterday, and was having a mindful period this morning after resting from yesterday. It seemed more than natural. ____________ Again, that said, there's the question of in what circumstances I ought to (if ever at this juncture) be 'tougher' on myself - such as facing spontaneous chats/making requests/sweating and trying harder when exercising if someone looks my way and I want to use that as an excuse to worry/get distracted from the effort. It's just that I've already tried that approach as a teenager. Monstrosities occasionally ensued. Well, leave some input if convenient for you. Cheers. ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ Smell-memory in the air outside ~ Low-carb breakfasting (to 'beat jitters') ~ Been awhile since I've said it - 'not dying in my sleep' ~ A weird, compassionate-combined-with-concern dream (almost too real though - an household item brought it back to mind suddenly) ____________ Notes taken: 'What makes a person worry less and pay more attention to subtler social cues/hints as to what should actually be done for someone's needs next?', and 'Do more people really often, consciously and simply choose to be kind/unkind at rapidly-unfolding moments, rather than adopt one or the other as a sustained way of being?' 'Zen?'

Sunday evening: As usual (though one of the few reasons I can think why is not feeling the same kind of happiness other Sunday-citizens were presumably enjoying), Sunday has been tough to get through. I had a concentrated bout of frustration and dread over trying to have texting conversations. I may have been a little silly, in the original sense of the word. I've been online, having somewhat the usual cerebral experience, and didn't end up going for a 'turkey' (three gym sessions on three consecutive days). That was fine, except I spent far too much time locked into a game - 'it'/the main culprit. I can honestly say that my plans for it have stalled. The game is, as of the present moment, a joke of a journey to consider. Maybe it was the thought of a first planned - duo - exercise session in the early morning tomorrow, or the place we've chosen to go, but I worked through an angry set of imaginings of my own making as part of a standby. I was also trying to watch an angry character (and a very mild-mannered one as well) in a movie, and may have soaked up too much energy. But I talked myself through it during pauses, and now it's time to wind down. Hopefully I won't be telling you the same thing tomorrow. I aim to be my healthy brand of cool, so things should be fine. Good luck all, ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ Blue skies ~ All grocery store stock available ~ Easy-ish cold shower water ~ Nothing outside that I perceived went much wrong ______ Notes taken: 'Gaming isn't even effective escapism', 'Too many opportune moments have I watched pass' (but how do I avoid hyper-vigilance?), and 'Do I have sufficient energy reserves to sit out unhealthy urges?' (and how might I develop more?)

You're absolutely right, to say that everyone who's worried about missing out while abstaining - especially during a first detox - shouldn't be. I can say that confessing all of my sporadic urges to play or daydream about playing during my 90 days off (which went on for 5 months, if I recall correctly) really worked, and were so rewarding that I couldn't put it into good enough words of gratitude or appreciation - not for lack of trying, either. What happened to me personally was after 5 months off, I bravely attended a 'slumber party' (for grown boys 😄) and went out the following day to enjoy it. However, the two homies I was with forgot something essential about my social anxieties whilst out and I felt so let down that I resorted back to my problem game, with eventual gusto. It's even in my forum signature now (though it may not have been then) - 'HALTED' = Hungry/Angry/Lonely/Tired/Environmentally-stressed/Dehydrated - and I was all of them at the time. I don't know if I actually consciously decided to advance a gaming profile as far as I did, during the following week, but I certainly went home and thought so much about 'the good/better' times spent playing such that I ended up simply collapsing and embracing them once more. Much like re-reading the Harry Potter series for the 12th time, there has always been a way of improving the amount of 'data' and feedback from my problem game. What I've done in the last 24 hours has felt positively wholesome, but I know that it isn't. I'm just trying to find out what my real-world limits are again now, with a designated 'safe space'. One problem with that is that time shows no mercy unless we show it first, most likely. Thanks for posting a discussion topic that's successfully guilted this addict.

Saturday morning ramble + check-in: Nine hours of sleep, basically no dreams. I tried a lifting session yesterday evening at the local gym this time, and it went well. I've been doing a lot more walking than lifting for the past 2 weeks. One could blame chasing a gaming goal instead of maximising daily rest, then getting up to go and lift whenever I had the slightest inclination. Maybe we're all familiar with the feeling I mentioned yesterday, of leaving our bodies behind and 'going full cerebral' on a screen. It's not a prized connection, is it? Lol Two times, already, I saw myself signing in to a game area where there would be sure to be almost no happy surprises, because I was having trouble finding suitable job ads to apply to. Now that I've pretty much resolved to hand out resumes at a few places that may not even be hiring at the moment, I saw an hour or two free, before starting the day wholly. Habit and/or 'zombie-mode' was going to kick in, and I'd surely feel more like signing in IF the bright idea to test out some new replacement sneakers that I last wore last year. So I'll give that a try. Happy weekend all. ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ I actually liked the heating in the local gym; somehow it didn't stifle but helped me sweat healthily ~ Aside from 'leaping into action' on the last morning of the gaming goal yesterday and making chaos of breakfast, it was a good day; no other real catastrophes, though the effects of compulsive play lingered ~ The weather; plenty of clear skies ~ Water in the large water bottle I was gifted last year

later Friday night: I made a note of how to start my next post - 'Always wanting the next thing on a game - worse than the same feeling whilst offline. It is ignoring our bodies (and those of others!).' I beat my week-goal on my problem game. I've not mentioned in one line before, why it is my problem game. It is because of the above note: there's always the next mental/psychological (because it isn't tangible) challenge, whether that is time spent repetitively or by organising and 'preparing'. We all know that we can set aside a book when things get too heavy or taxing. I'm talking books exclusively full of words, because it's the images that keep us staring for details (and movement? - in video games). We either understand a lone word or sentence full of them, or we don't. If not, there's always the outside world to probe in discovery. Not quite so easily, especially with one tap or click triggering a potential minute-long series of images that rewards people with the notion that they caused all such things, barely lifting a finger. I'm privy to that. It's been a long time since I first tried to click my character's way through a fence and exclaimed frustratedly at the screen when the game used its 'pathfinder' to take me some horribly long-winded way around it. That's the thing - it wasn't even an 'it'; it was a very basically-designed, intangible boundary to more 'scenery'. The exploratory days on it are pretty much over, and I know that because I haven't honed in on details much at all unless I'm in a weird state of mind, or have recently become attached to a distant outcome. Yes, I miss the weeks and months where I stopped thinking about playing, long enough to become consistently attached to books and conversations, nature sounds, and even those coming from other people having a good time, as I make my quiet penitence. I would count days off game-play again, but that actually makes me wonder what I've been missing out on online, in terms of conversations and other stimuli. I may have spent only a sum total of a few hours 'researching' how best to play that game, but it was all feverishly done, instead of fostering community even in that realm. Regular people seem to research holidays, cars and restaurants quite a bit. I always used to maintain that I didn't need any 'extras' in life, even though I was grateful for any shared with me. It's actually a little intimidating, thinking about becoming a sort of medium for life experiences on my own and with others. That's probably because I've let good brain pathways wither as I chased control and reward. Maybe the community on my problem game isn't or won't be dying out anytime soon. I just know that it's not working for me and my routine. Old Wheatbiscuit Senior put it to me to share an exercise schedule. He's been putting in effort elsewhere too. I don't know if I'll chill out my perceptions and thoughts again if I give up playing electronically for as much offline as I can handle, but that alone would be worth it right now. That medium for life could be my new ideal - but I'd still like a bit of planning too. Post soon on the weekend, + good luck all. ~ Matt