wheatbiscuit

Update: A lot to say, and yet not so much. The first times that I thought 'which day of the week it is doesn't matter' frightened me. This is because I have cared about mine and other's routines for most forever. The importance of exercising on a regular day, after completing a lot of to-do or 'feel good' tasks, before anything else (right after breakfast) can't be overstated for me. For as long as I'm renting alone, I need a solid thought exercise to wake up with - anything from 5-15 minutes. I'll be trying to work out what. -> Lastly, some guidance; 'In abstinence, do not let the devil know about your next year (say), or you may be confronted with the idea of 365 indulgence-free days.' ____________ Today, I am grateful for Spring weather approaching, and being able to look at it out of the window upon waking (from the bathroom! 😄).

August 3-4 Saturday) On the night of the 2nd whilst out walking, I semi-disengaged in text to briefly ask if my Dad would like to go jogging Saturday, and received an affirmative response. So we did, even if it was kind of weak. Then I pretty much escaped online for the rest of the day. But it wasn't until Sunday (this afternoon) that the week/weekend's choices hit me back. Sunday) Now, the first reason I had for not setting my 7 o'clock alarm was actually because for the last month or two, I've been on-and-off influenced religiously. There has been a group chat established for/by a devout Christian, and I forget where I've already said this, but I liked reading in and occasionally chiming in because the occupants typed properly to one another. I was to 'rest' and potentially look for community groups, if not one of the local churches on these last two Sundays, but I haven't - because my mental images and reality have rarely matched up. This is somewhat typical of me when I am 'kinder/nicer' to myself - or maybe it's something else. Anyway, after waking up glowing from a mere extra hour of natural sleep, I went for my 5th or 6th consecutive silent, weighted hour walk. That too was almost entirely good, so then I signed in to what I can't avoid calling a game this time, with some more very nice music. I just told one of the men's group members that without the music, it would be difficult to find any joy in it - it was as much of a 'fix' of the directed (by me) gaming visual flow as it was of my own choice of sounds, especially as I may not be deeming it safe to walk with earphones in anymore. The second half of the day went 'downhill'. ^ I went back to the mid-distance gym, making it Wed/Fri/Sun trips this week, but I almost needn't have bothered; my feet sort of just took me there. I swapped between equipment after 2 light sets each before landing on some bodyweight dips and semi-decent upright rows. Sometime during sets of the rows, I thought that the music combined with the (albeit usual) lack of socialising was making the experience 'hell', so I packed up almost without sweating. ^ Then back at home, after casually buying more protein powder (swapping back to chocolate flavour; something to be grateful for), I only sort of enjoyed the powder and a sandwich, and some frozen vegetables a little later. That was when I, torn about how to best enjoy the night, over-poured the veggies, tried to put some back in the bag, dropped a cauliflower piece and then for the first time hit my head under the counter picking it up. I felt unexpected hatred at myself for devising my situation today, and swore fluently, with strong sadness on either side of it. Did I let myself down by gaming my way through to this weekend, or possibly the religious chat group by not demonstrating enough faith in things greater than myself? I'm arguing both. Before any of the post-workout meals, I picked up my new library book almost in precognition of my defeat and thought of how nice it - occasionally enough - was to slow down for hours at a time with a good (healthy escape) story, even if then travelling in my own life and actions became a bit more dull, online and offline. At least I would have gone somewhere in my head that was easy to return from and not as crucially addictive. In the end, it was a short in-game quest that re-established what were the potential dangers of devoting myself to even a mere religious gaming chat, visually depicting 'cultists' and touching on 'the end of days'. It only took ~48-72 hours' of time away from that group I have known of for a couple of years to receive some even-more-painful sobriety. Interesting quest line, interesting musical game-time, but coming up on my Mum and brother's birthdays, I think I can stand a bit less/no dedicated/scheduled games for another while. Long enough for this book or two may it last. ______________ Gratitude: ~ Waiting until at home for a protein shake I could put ice cubes in ~ Getting another random-ish video call from a men's group mate ~ A funny deal to share the dip station with a cautious gym member ~ Despite gaming, very little feeling of true disconnect from people I typed just about everything that I wanted to say. Bring on a healthy next week. Peace, Matt

I think it's pretty awesome to get in a shameless hour of piano-playing (I can kind of 'sight read' still) regularly. Keep it up IMO. Writing and/or drawing might work too, whether or not anyone else but you is going to read it. A picture and a made-up story, or a running-thought journal to move your hand and brain for some momentum. Then there's reading, obviously. I like fiction for the escapism, but non-fictional (and slightly embellished) stories like 'Monkey Mind - A Memoir of Anxiety' (no joke) I just read was a lot of fun. Good luck this weekend. Edit/P.S. ANY safe physical exercise to test capabilities.

August 2 A few things: 1) I was sad to see Vee say goodbye, and Pdallair's latest post, and also because maybe I'm only just noticing AI introductory posts this year as opposed to last year, when I was detoxing/less familiar with these forums. Those are probably the two reasons I wanted to check in. 2) I don't know how to say it best, but in the last 2 weeks that I used OSRS to play, the only difference between it and the last abstinence streak were different things that made me sad; no more or less sadness than usual. And tonight, I received the same in-game task that has yielded quite little profit and enjoyment for the 5th time, so I signed off and did the most natural and fulfilling clean of the apartment yet for the last hour. I have found comfort in carrying out plans formed in my head, whatever they may be, each time I dig myself out of a few of each day's mental ruts. I think it has always been this way, but living and largely operating alone means I notice more of the ruts. 3) I couldn't read the large non-fiction book about 'big cycles', because every other sentence read a similar way; "I have noticed", "this is because", etc. So I spent a moderate amount of time yesterday choosing a thick and inviting fiction story, and just the first few pages after the news/local magazine put me happily to sleep. Yet, without committing a few whole days to miniature-detox until I could do it, I haven't opened it again today. My foremost plan tonight is to clean my teeth and possibly walk my hour-circuit, by which time I could settle down early and get roped in to the story. There have been many other moments, but I'm mainly here to tell everybody that I haven't been lost, outside of usual social difficulties. And I've set my alarm for 7am every day except Sunday during the last 2 weeks too, with minimal negative consequences. Gratitude: ~ Finishing the rest of a bucket of protein powder (it happens 4-5 times a year, and it is incredibly easy to drink post-workout - old habits die hard; it was the reward of it that half got me into the gym) ~ People have (eventually) said the right things to me at the right time, often enough lately, and even if I don't remember every instance, I guess I've been trying to do it first/in return ~ Wearing different exercise clothes ~ Yeah, it's soft, but also for the oil heater that my Dad dropped off to me. It could be why my sleep has been of decent quality, I don't know I'll update even more thoroughly (with thoughts/ideas/stuff) the next empty morning/afternoon/evening again by next Wednesday at the latest, I think. Peace be with you all, Matt

July 19 - Day #12 It's Friday, and I've almost typed 'and everything is done', but there's still a couple of things. This is just a looming period of 2-3 hours that I feel should be used to cheer up a bit with something creative, perhaps. I realised this afternoon that I've been comfortable for a large percentage of my time living solo, staring at the wall behind/around my PC at the desk. When I was almost home from the gym, I wished that it would be safe in every sense of the word to just ditch my bag at the front door without even entering the building, and ask everybody outside what's 'on'. No, I was more compelled to eat, shower and batten down the hatches out of habit. I saw a new person at the health centre about a few concerns - I drew a sincere, possibly sadder in demeanour lady of about 60 years who said as long as I keep on challenging any/all dark thoughts, there ought not to be any major changes; hard to argue with. I can't undo all the things I've said and done while gaming, but maybe I've been in the process of unlearning them for longer than I realise. For example, you probably couldn't pay me to 'hybrid/tribrid' anyone or anything on RS anymore. It's just that the excessive reflexes/reactions I have to things in my environment haven't faded away yet - some people are still into 'shoulder checking' in crowded places, but not me; I doubt I ever will be. It's usually a surprise to me when people kind of expect size should equal assertiveness - to this day! I won't be sorry to see things like that leave us as a species. ____________ Gratitude: ~ Great conditions outside - walked a finally-dry field yesterday ~ Off-leash dogs that are friendly ~ Some healthy thought processes ~ Tea Happy weekend all. Matt

A lot of the time exercise isn't for entertainment alone when I do it. There might be a lot of motivational or 'hard' pointers from highly accomplished people, yet it's still my preference to leave an exercise session with just enough energy to get home before slowing down. It requires honesty with how I'm feeling about the stuff. Today was a 'soft/rest day' for me, and I used music and merely walked around a park for 1 hour, focusing on the greenness and trying to 'vibe' with the dog owners and footy players. But tomorrow is probably going to be heavy squats - heaviness is relative but it means I'll keep adding weight until it's not safe to go down and up more than 5 times (a '5 rep maximum'/'5RM'). At the same time, I've changed my technique for now by coming down slow, pausing when my legs make a 90 degree angle, and standing back up relatively quickly. Try to feel the motion through your body, speed up, and slow down again (EDIT: and don't forget to breathe!). One mistake I used to make when I was busier was quantity over quality - if I only had 45 minutes, I'd now probably only repeat one movement rather than do 2 sets of everything with poor technique or no warming up/practice attempts. But then, my goal for awhile has been improved mood and less stress. Also, if you get planning/daydreaming time, I recommend coming up with a kind of 'bodybuilder' schedule; with a bunch of your favourite exercises for all of your muscles, covered in 2-3 weeks, then repeating it. -> If I had to suggest something, it would be team sport/friendly competition. I tried my first beginner, social jiu jitsu class this year, and I knew we'd be getting a bit closer and physical, and it really had an adrenaline effect. If nothing else, let your imagination run a little wilder. Low enjoyment may also mean that most of your day is too fun in comparison, and exercise isn't the 'high point' of your day, like my dad says it probably is for a lot of people in the gym who are 'just getting on with it'. I might have a lot less faith than 10-15 years ago, but still, godspeed.

July 18 - Day #11 Ain't be playin' no games, no sir. Maybe that's why I turned down a golf session at a driving range. It could have been mood though - but I haven't much seen the pros outweighing the cons of taking many suggestions from others this week. I may still understand a need to hit (click) and see what happens to the ball (monster/npc) afterward. Gratitude: ~ 'Oversleeping' from early bedtime/exhaustion didn't feel as unnatural as it often has felt ~ A friendly discount coupon from 2 kids to a (their parents'?) new nearby cafe ~ "You're a ghost powering a meat suit; what do you have to be afraid of?" lol. Seriously though, I felt a part of my surroundings, but again, missed seeing/willingness to make direct impacts of/during my 'modus operandi'. A few connections were made today, including that cafe ~ Gym yesterday was fun enough. I perhaps caught an idea of what my face looks like when I'm 'setting up' in another man's expression! The weekend nears; good luck all. ~ Matt

July 16 - Day #9 Again I've reminded myself that just because there is a block of time or two where I doubt anything else will impress itself upon me, doesn't mean I should drift further away (than usual) with music and games combined - because it actually does seem like I function slightly better following the compass that distracts me from chosen semi-productive efforts toward something even more worthwhile, like putting remembered times underneath dates in my diary, or checking the internet for something when curious. Case in point, I decided to 'load up' on tea plus cacao in the same hour, 60 minutes after breakfast, then found that I was in the headspace and right energy level to go jog 10km/6 miles. But I selected a randomised playlist with music I didn't know to carry me through it, as I was on my own. I do guess that people are at least as semi-aware as I am of who's jogging to the rhythm of music, or has earphones dangling down their front, to not engage them at all. Still, I got to wondering whether highs from music or natural motivation are even worth it, for the lows which I used to just bust through, only to have my character kind of assassinated. At least I realise that I can't have it all, whatever I do. I'm alright with that. Then I think that unless a person is completely aligned inside and out, consistency is less valuable. I would go for that if I found I could though - falling asleep wherever I found comfort near the end of a day used to be quite common for me at times, mostly because that compass ran me down so often as a kid. ____________ Gratitude: ~ This forum space, because my use of other platforms raised eyebrows back in the day; cheers for not calling me an idiot outright 🙂 ~ My light jacket stayed tied to my waist during the jog, after I failed to hang it from the back of my neck the first mile ~ Finding a newly released pop song tolerable despite encouragement to dislike it - guess which one! ~ A call from my GP, with little bad news, that 'picked me up' this morning Keep heart all. Matt

July 15 - Day #8 I went to gym and did sled work for 90 minutes at a gradual pace, burying some of the disappointment from not being contacted by another gym. It came back after I myself failed to find a realistic book for me to get into at the local library. That, and I almost forgot to pick up my medication at the pharmacy - where I sort of now think that the lady behind the counter was put off by my eyes or something. It felt bad to watch her guard go way up, and I've rarely ever meant anything by it. Little things do add up, even if I can usually forgive myself and others for small lapses in the greater scheme. I finished reading '10 rules for talking' before the phone call was scheduled, and it felt good to have gotten through it and to have been prepared for the call with a previous, written and extended cover letter in front of me. I also watched 'Coach Carter' last night and this evening, as a sort of reward for the weekend and this afternoon. I mainly wanted to see the character Cruz' positive speech back to the coach, and also unashamedly, some of the actresses. I would have been reading the whole time instead, but mostly I was waiting to apply this last book's guiding ideas. I haven't quite satisfyingly done so yet. There was a fairly intimidating book that I found - Ray Dalio's 'Big Cycle'. I would have gone for it, but I've spent the majority of my life trying to stay ahead of trends, considering myself smart or smarter than others, and tonight wasn't the night to borrow that particular work. Onward to -> Gratitude: ~ Good weather but a little colder ~ Not many hassles ~ Switched it up with cacao first thing as I sometimes have ~ Talking rule #2 - look it up, Tim Harkness 🙃 Good luck with the week's start. Matt

July 13 - Day #6 (3:23pm) How do I feel about almost a week without honing in on a game? Good enough. Without a doubt, there have been enough positives. I just finished listening/occasionally watching the images in a 40-minute philosophy talk (Alan Watts again) that I've come back to like 10 times, while previously gaming - dangerous but for some small amount of closure too, I think. I had the intention of using my ears as well as my eyes to take in wordy descriptions, so that I might have the drive for a couple of solid reading hours of my current library book. There is the seemingly strong enough chance of a reunion that I got the invite to this week, and it's had me assessing myself and how I might relate to everybody in the chat group after as much self-motivating, basic work and significant memories (both of groups and my own) I would have to speak of. It's made me want to take further care of the rest of the year (as I assume it will take place before the end of) and what relationships I believe are ongoing. I had a good exercise session today at a sunny park with just enough energy remaining, and talked to a stranger for awhile as I left. If I skated over most of the details to summarise, it was another reminder to be appreciative of what we have. Which brings this post to --- Gratitude: ~ warmth of weather and the creation of new memories via challenges and conscious attention ~ an ideal 2 local jobs for which I applied ~ surviving a late night and intense dreams, overcoming tiredness ~ the monthy/quarterly community club newsletter I got in the mail with a good story inside about a person I met Good luck this weekend, Matt

July 11 - Day #4 (3:30pm) I finally finished 'Monkey Mind - A Memoir of Anxiety' just now. It was what I've called indulgent reading, like Sophie's Choice without as much tragedy - as I told my dad yesterday. I am hoping that someone else will/has read this book so that we could talk about it. 'The solution' was basically paying proper attention to thoughts - making the previously subconscious -> more conscious. But almost more importantly were the way the author's feelings were expressed and resonated. The timeline was something like ages 16 to 25 for Daniel, and thinking about the same period for me threatens overflow, but it was mostly fun, even if at many times unhealthy. He admits to his new selfishness in making beating anxiety his life's main priority, until he dreams about the girlfriend he split up with on (attempted) account of it, and goes back with the strict intention of winning/settling/hoping for simple friendship. The 3rd and 4th last sentences were: "How many of those (life's 'scourges', e.g. death and sickness) afflicted me now? None. How many were designed to afflict me personally? None." Those are not everyone's story, but I would like to think that they are a good guarding mantra against persecutory delusions. Anyway, no games yesterday or so far today (the definition of the word I still 'play' with to either include or exclude physical exercise, for example, but will always mean the few that I grew too attached to). Game-quitting forums so they are. ___________ Gratitude: ~ Finishing reading with time to 'psych up' for a late gym visit ~ The thought of sharing another mutually-read book ~ Beverages ~ Beating away some fear and apprehension on an improvised jog Good luck all, Matt

July 9 - Day #2 (without my game of choice) I signed in and used one hour each time on Friday and Sunday. In the spirit of things, I say that I was simply lost and without enough direction those two nights. I borrowed a new book from the library - '10 Rules for Talking' by Tim Harkness. It's instructive but kind of humorous as well, and it has reminded me of someone I met who regularly used to actually ask 'What do you want to talk about?' The book's first rule recommends a clear and agreed purpose for conversations to be had. I'm far from saying that I want every future conversation to go strictly according to these 10 rules (I have now summarised, stuck to my wall) plus others, but they sound like good ideas for when I and people like me are otherwise adequately satisfied and don't want to mess up our next prolonged interaction. Maybe. In the meantime, as I am applying myself more to finding suitable work and improving my general functioning, it looks as though there's some carryover from non-fiction/self-improvement books such that I do consider games to be a less-valuable use of my time/effort. I would definitely not mind getting all of the 'right' positive feelings whilst I am 'AFK'. ___________ I just finished my ~50 A4 pages of written notes on the road rules, for which the main reason of feeling drained this afternoon is that these are rules that I specifically may have to worry a lot about in the future. I am thankful for all of the minds out there that have handled systems better than me. 😛 Gratitude: ~ Being able to somewhat anchor my mind throughout the day from reading and routine ~ Meals tasted nice today ~ At the gym twice in two days thanks to meeting up there ~ Not feeling like complaining too much Good luck all, Matt

July 5 - Day #3 I am trying to avoid counting unhatched chickens, as after my last post and the online applications, I tasted too much victory and went for some erotica. So if I can stay off of games (as I'm counting the combination of these two vices in the same day as a complete relapse) today, I'll make it 'Day #3.5'. I could apportion blame to other people if I did relapse, but really what's holding me back is not wanting to upset anyone into using obviously-available means to further mess me around, by telling my truth. Again, feeling disregarded by others' by being vocally told that I was, is what led my hospitalisation. The only real new piece of information I got is that sometime in the medium-term future I'll need to earn more to continue to solo rent. So I'll be trying not to just 'write off' days at a time in my search - though I still could use a pick-me-up right now that is a bit more than a daily cacao drink. ___________ Gratitude: ~ a mostly undisturbed walk in the bigger park ~ I finished David Goggins' book; good ending - stretch those muscles ~ that I can still write properly, in my journal and diary dates, under my own steam ~ pet dogs - OK, specifically I'm pretty sure I passed a dog-walking business in action on the way home. Gooooood doggies. Happy Friday all, ~ Matt

July 4 - Day #3 Well, I've stayed clean today, but I slept for what felt like way too long. As usual, some weird thought got me up so I could check it against the waking world, and I've sort of waltzed through a rest day from gym (although I could have gone, it's just been my default schedule - A, B, A, B; rest on B days while A1 = lower body and A2 = upper body, generally). After such a sleep, I got a silent weighted walk done with ease, then printed some resumes, cleaned up and eventually checked out the mall food court again to see if I could hand any out. In the end, I just looked up a few restaurants I could see on my phone and I'll apply to two locations each online in a bit. But yeah, the last night's sleep scared me a little, and that fear's been a recurring thing to shape me up for several weeks, maybe months, before I forget about it. If I could rely on a cheerful alarm clock noise, I would set it starting tomorrow. It's just that once a hard bit of exercise is over, and having actually scheduled it, it's way too easy for me to hop online to games or erotica to fill in time when tired/hungry, until I or someone else comes up with another good challenge. I am torn over starting to dedicate time to self-directed study (like old high school Maths) as opposed to creatively picking and choosing whatever seems interesting when I'm bored. Goggins liked repetitive learning, but even now I haven't forced myself to finish the road rules, pass the multiple choice computer test and get on the road. I am afraid of really winning multiple days, weeks and months and then suddenly taking a mental health blow out of nowhere (not just a minor one, I mean), which might leave me and everyone in my life thunderstruck. It turned out that for some reason half of my family missed half of my texts over the last 2 months, which wouldn't have been so bad if we all felt empowered enough to literally knock on each other's doors on a Sunday morning, but... So there have been a lot of catch-up vibes and more texts this week. Not much else to say, but maybe I'll finally speak to the old care managers at the health centre tomorrow about my meds and stuff. Last week's social group event was a movie, location and attire I didn't like and skipped, but this Saturday's is mainly just a gathering. I've maybe sensed some more 'Winter blues' for a few of us, but I'm not sure. We'll see. _____________ Gratitude: ~ Really, seriously, not waking up dead 😄 ~ Getting around all day comfortably in my 'back up' jacket, while the first 2 are washing ~ A presented future challenge perhaps of talking one of the social group around whether to stay with it or not ~ Not letting a few jarring noises on the street rattle me too much Good day all, Matt

July 3 - Day #2 7:05pm - Taking a break from reading David Goggins; I sometimes flick to a random page ahead for a short glimpse of what's to come, and I saw it, but I dunno if I'll reach that point tonight. What with the end of chapter challenges - one being 'the cookie jar' - I've been feeling it's good to take regular breaks from self improvement books. I remember trying to get through Neil Strauss, and cringing badly. Again I dunno, but while a lot of this stuff is good, some just doesn't bear thinking about much. Anyway, no gaming today or yesterday, but still wanted arousal off of my brain ASAP, so Day #1 at noon Tuesday became Day #2 on Wednesday night. It's not perfect, but I'm usually noting what I like offline as well. Today was another dumbbell row (high controlled reps) and bench press day, another 'old reliable '- even if not super-sets. I upped it slightly and achieved, even though I paid for my 3 or 4 days off by throwing up. But what I wanted to say was that I loved basically everybody in the gym today, probably influenced by the mood Goggins' book put me in. I wish I could feel that all of the time and stay sane and healthy. _____________ Gratitude: ~ I got to sweat and turn red, looking like my workout was difficult when really it was my '40%' effort (I could have done without puking, but today the cacao wasn't working with my motion) ~ I am embarrassed but kind of gleeful at the effect reading has on my expressive word choice - maybe since yesterday me and my Dad tried harder to communicate and level. There probably is a lot of wisdom for people, that I've forgone in attempt to remain sure of myself ~ Not getting very wet between several rainfalls ~ The cold water at (one of) the gym's bubblers Should be seeing you tomorrow, Matt