wheatbiscuit

Tuesday morning: A lot of people have said that multi-tasking doesn't work or exist. It seemed possible as a young person because the only requirement to get by/through school etc. was reacting (in most cases) or responding (the rest) in a semi-complicit way, as we did what we felt we needed to do to stay happy. My last response on the forum was the first thing I did today, so it was easy to focus on. Then, I worried too much about how an early-morning workout would go, and did a walking circuit instead - putting it off until lunch, when it's less crowded and I might be more awake. To fill the time between then and the end of my walk, I have a series of calls to make, and the option to semi-enjoy some time on the game. Last night, I was reading Quora, and found a lovely answer, and then the person's profile. I formed a mental picture of their motivations, and one was something like I imagine our Yan's to include; trying hard, seizing opportunities, and admiring the same in others. The only con I thought of was chasing too many trends, perhaps in order to meet people and stay popular/relevant. Other criteria were also met. Anyway, it seemed like when those few things are partaken in, with responsibility, a person is well on their way through to adulthood. I've done a lot of things in life out of order - properly, but rearranged. I've been saying to myself sometimes that I simply understood situations faster than others and thus was free to make my own choices. But, if it came to responsibly leading a group through a task, could I stand up and follow standard procedure, while motivating each person to the best of my ability, when put on the spot? A lot of situations seem to call for that (whether or not on me), but usually most involved are able to dust themselves off and plod further along. That's nature, but is it responsible? My 'solo' game profile was like an attempt at playing my problem game 'responsibly' if that, like multi-tasking, is even possible. Because re-reading novels and information is good for me, but doesn't make me feel like I can manage real problems any better, when initiative has to be taken/is called for. I still relied upon patience and timing during my detox, to act, and a lot of chance is involved there too. I just don't want to burn out for no reason trying to be responsible. Is that a chance that always has to be taken, with trust in everyone else to do the same? I imagined the Quora person scheduling and organising things like those I wrote down for myself to carry out today, without a moment's hesitation, yet understanding any delays. Then, I would have to calm myself and clean and tidy up, or failing that, bother more people and risk mania, or something. That's a concern too. There's all of that, and then there's balance, which actually sometimes feels meaningless - always unfailingly checking one's gut before any momentum can be built. Well, I'll let you know after. Peace guys, Edit: I am proud of myself for getting to the gym and back with no problems, even though I didn't lift much (but decent stretches), and I fixed 2 out of 4 phone calls - but the other 2, I'm hoping for some more processes first. It was just good to do what I said/planned I'd do, and not actively surrendering as I go online to play, view or type. I'll try to do more of that. Edit 2: I think a miraculous mix of internal and external events have occurred - I actually don't want to engage with that game anymore. I've done it all; I'm all set to click on nothing. One of my health supports called me right after finished giving a last miniature game event (that I thought 'too annyoing') a try. I immediately told her (how I was going) that it was 'nothing heavy' (the truth, close enough) and received the reply that enjoying playing it was OK as long as it wasn't too much time. My time spent would be up in the top quadrant for sure, and the relief that came with the guilt just now was enormous. Like, we covered everything and listened to each other, all in ten minutes! Don't stop posting, guys. 🫡 ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ Braved the deliberate choice to safely walk at peak travel time, with earphone music, and only one or two 'near-misses' ~ A return to drinking a cup of tea first, instead of cocoa ~ An exploratory-only trip to the library, reminding me instead to be happy with the books I've already got to read ~ General clarity

One game, since right before I was a teenager. It was at first a fantastic pastime and a way of discovering over and over again what I could and couldn't control (reliably). Possibly any curious-enough person could guess the name of it (it would be like saying 'Voldemort' out loud when out amongst people who've feared a same or similar thing for years, at pain/risk of death - just a little), but I would not recommend at all that anyone start playing it now as a newbie. At times, I've been completely lost in it. On ADHD, to frequent re-assessment (but not quite regret), I recently ignored an acquaintance who owned up to having a cocktail of conditions, including ADHD. It was a disturbingly consistent lack of preambles and affect (reactivity - even in kind words) that blocked out a lot of the light that would have helped people to see him better, I think. But to his credit, I couldn't conclude that he hadn't spent most of his life trying to be better, fit in and take care of himself and others - to do what he could. For me, it was unhealthy to keep using my brand of encouragement to make him try in an obvious way (it could have got him a girlfriend, you see, which he clearly wanted/needed). ^-> I guess what I'm getting at is that ADHD might be one thing that is more worth trusting a medical team to help remedy with you, with talk or medication, rather than symptoms of the internet that a lot more people might share. As for having a way with words, well, I've mainly wanted to provide novelty with my points of view so that people get more out of their periods of reflection as they read/listen. It was done for me, in fiction novels (and by nature), so why not give back where it's most comfortable? Again, one thing I've heard from tolerant people is that people with ADHD 'have no filter' - like enforced honesty, forthrightness, and perhaps obsession. I don't know, my symptoms there are usually under control over time. The posts you make tend to have numerous insights as well, and sometimes eerily so! 🙂 While it pays a ton to know yourself, knowing the effects/appearance of your behaviour/choices when not locked into a game, or even work, could be underrated for many. Until next post, ~ Matt

Monday midday: The last two times I caught the flu, in 2022 and 2023, I actually read Stephen King's 'The Stand' those two weeks - a fiction novel about a 99% deadly super flu. No one actually said it, but I surmised that at least a few thought that was madness or torture to do. I however, found it peaceful, knowing that a writer could come up with and sustain a story like that, during ill health or otherwise on their own. Somehow, if the flu had finished me off, I would have had all of those endearing fictional characters in mind, and consequently may not have minded; I was already sick and either destined to recover or not recover. I did get better though, and the first two gym workouts and walks after it were like the first breath of life. Basically, a lot of things, even health, could be said to involve doing things that could be considered madness. I've got Harry Potter 5 still 1/3 read (and there are very few surprises now), as well as 'Outside the Gates of Eden', which to me has been honest but shallow/not poetic enough. 'The Stand' was fantastic, not only for its story and characters, but also because I had my Dad's hard-cover copy both times. I imagined he or my mum holding and reading it in other hours of solitude. Now I know I could probably buy my own paperback copy after a 15-20 minute walk, and try to 'level up' on that book and re-live at least one year when all I wanted to do was be healthy again, but would it liven me up for another week and keep me away from games? (I didn't have the heart to pursue any goals except reading/eating/texting at the time). Did I give up games at a time when a copycat version and a former ally let me down on numerous counts, or did I simply sense madness setting in? Again, now I've come to it this past year or two, a lot of things have seemed mad - traffic, hostility, repetition, and my own regular experience of my condition. I did just finish watching 'Planet of the Humans' on YouTube - Jeff Gibbs - and his closing line was 'if we don't get ourselves under control', then.. *cue devastating ten-minute scene*. What I find when reading 'the right book', like The Stand was, thrice, is about 3x as many things and plans are considered in my mind, all behind the double-safety of a cluster of pages. Yes, whenever there is senseless loss detailed on those pages, I've put them aside for a few moments and demanded of thin air that 'the story' be 'less f'ed up', but I forgive it eventually. I think that could be an important ritual, finding mental limits safely in such a manner. There's nothing quite like looking at a person I don't know, and finding that I accept the data of their appearance as openly and readily as a cautionary or even visionary tale. What matters is that I feel calm when that happens. Too much of my favourite game runs on chance, and while the psychological translation of that in the offline world can mean acceptance of deviation from the usual phrases and movements in conversation (at the gym, say), you could say that I still find that a little bit mad. I flatter myself that I've tried being a robot, and has sometimes worked in my case. Maybe it depends on what I ought to be mindful for - because I've come to really dislike forgetting why I've done certain things, such that it's like a value to uphold as much as possible in individual life. I may need the right words from a book or a calm speaker, but madness is like being unable to ever choose between familiarity and upsetting new information: wanting both, at the same time, always. 'The Stand' almost delivered each of them, with its characters versus their particular story. But finding those books/people is the hard work that, for some reason, it's like I'm meeting resistance in the search. The flow of reading and planning seems to be elusive. Planning is becoming almost non-negotiable, like fairness or kindness at the moment. Today, I compromised between jogging alone/asking my Dad to join me, after our miscommunication last week, and walking - a 90 minute walk with 60% music. But finding the joy of the world turning beneath my feet and pacing quickly and steadily over it on a jog, I didn't end up experiencing. It has flow-on effects, if at the same time life tolerates you as a whole person. 😄 Lots to think about, but at the same time, things are moving along anyway. Peace, ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ Sweating in warm winter weather ~ Really enjoying the music playlist I spent 2 hours adding to, one night, months ago ~ A friendly dog and happy parents with children ~ Recognising when I could be about to trap/trip myself up in an activity

Sunday: Not a lot of problems presented themselves today; maybe as I woke up right before 6am again, focused and refreshed. There still wasn't any complete avoidance of discomfort, even clicking on imaginary trees and wood onscreen, throughout. I pushed myself outside a second time with summer clothing on, a little tightly-fitted but I said 'screw any external perceptions of the choice' and walked well for ~45 minutes. Now I am a little pepped up on a second cocoa - maybe I'll pay again for that, maybe I won't. Just glad it went okay and better than many Sundays past. Maybe it's because I spent most of the day feeling sorry for people I didn't know - who couldn't/don't directly wreck things for me - on documentaries. It wasn't all about long-term health though, perhaps; I had something like excuses for not asserting myself where it might have brought me peace/pleasure (I don't think they should mix too often here), as that may be destiny. I tell myself I'm being realistic and practical rather than reacting instinctively with a lot of guesswork. Gratitude: ~ Good weather mostly, and not getting full rain-pour on the morning walk ~ Trip outside #2 instead of napping and feeling restless before proper sleep later, like yesterday ~ Feeling in better tune with surroundings rather than shutting them out ~ The righteous sin of opportunity-consideration on game profiles I don't know what my mind will present me overnight without forcing anything, but I wish all of you guys good luck. ~ Matt

Saturday evening: Not long ago, I read a news piece about a recurring subject of 'men being 'in trouble/left behind''. One thing the contributor tried to communicate was 'When you start blaming others for your problems, that's when you've 'lost the script''. However, he lost points with me for tangentially suggesting a requirement that each person (man) be able to justify their existence. I've started off now too sincerely, so the angry tool in my toolbox was glowing up at me - anyway, as an addict might do, I did want to espouse one benefit of the re-release of the childhood game of mine that I'm still giving time over to, and say that it enabled reflection and analysis, enough that I started questioning things and people around me. This is significant because I found myself momentarily in front of my mother, in some deep yet casual conversation. I don't remember what I was saying, but I distinctly remember her asking me back, "You mean, I should stop thinking that the world revolves around me?" I was 19 or 20, yet I was horrified at this, after the months of online reading into the NPD that I supposedly had/was branded with by my ex. Aside from all of the nonsense my Dad spouted over the years, I thought inwardly, 'These people/this person was trusted to raise me into a societally responsible being?' Thus, the finger(s) of blame. ___________ Two other people that I've never met, who surely would have been at odds with their main respective lines on life, nevertheless shared (somewhat) a view of eternal responsibility - that is, holding ourselves accountable for all deeds since birth, and perhaps even in previous lives. I won't go further into that today. One of these individuals clearly hoped that his relevant work would prompt a dramatic turnaround in many people's lives, by the explanation of a person 'choosing the easy option' their 'entire' life''. He valued intelligence, and intelligence sometimes suggests that saving effort could be a better decision, at times. Anyway, perhaps he simply meant 'from a young age', or the realisation of consciousness that comes anywhere between the ages of 1 and 6, I guess. It probably ties in with learning speech. Me, I don't think that I had many problems until the family relocated overseas. This is a matter of positive or negative choices of reframing, but if I had to play both sides, I'd say that I felt both encouragingly challenged and yet coerced to follow around at the airport. Yes, I remembered such a scene and emotion clearly from anywhere from ages 3 to 7. Again, with the condition(s) I believe I was born with, I might now try to point blame, but I still don't know what good that would do, unless it consolidated what friendships I have within the family somehow, in conversation. ___________ Like I said this week, I rarely feel low/prompted enough to get these things out face to face with people, and maybe I use torturous workouts and gaming sessions, or even abstinence to get myself there. What's important to me is that I know what to work with in the future and what not to. In the meantime, I choose not to repeat mistakes in day/routine-planning, like going out at night with a poor mental state. Alas, it is a Saturday night, but this has been stimulating enough. I had an hour of sleep in the afternoon, so maybe I'll have the same bedtime as most people tonight (9-10pm to 6-7am). It helps for me to feel in sync in some ways at least with many others. The rest of my family, I don't know. Peace guys, ~ Matt

Early Saturday morning: Yes, as soon as both of my music and my regular game are on, I am basically shutting out reality - or at least, the reality/gravity of what bothers/moves me. It's also doubly hard when what I type/text thoroughly is almost completely ignored, in the case of my explanations of negative feelings to people I care about. After 80% of my text message to my Dad was done, I said that I hoped he felt better after our failed meet-up as well. It was either the easy option, or scarier still, the natural option, for him to say 'I'm fine, I'm just this way, and thanks'. Aside from the potentially obvious (making sure the next tone set would be all about him, overlooking my description of misunderstandings of the kind being 'exquisitely painful since forever'). I've forgotten how to finish that last sentence re: grammar, but I don't want to choose anger. Perhaps I'm understanding that in the absence of immediate danger, 'reality' just doesn't set in for many people I know, despite claims to being 'usually factually correct', or calm as a cucumber. Big deal, right? 😆 When I read some posts here that help me to see the bigger picture for our society/world, I feel better. I can see outside of myself on a few occasions each day, but maybe just to support a worldview, years ago I started maintaining to myself that the most meaning in life is derived from strong connections to living beings/things, going as far as saying 'the' meaning. It's been mostly healthier than constant conflict, but when I've felt cornered increasingly (which is an unreasonable goal for too many people a situation to impose on others), the available flight response seems a lot less so. More recently, I've been trying to relate better to myself, but that, on the other hand, seems less revolutionary when I learn of most people trying to do the same. Is that the new definition of success, as unhappy world news is more prominent? I would guard against associating contentment with one's self to attempts at measuring success that way. I am sorry, but I had to work at this post as I clicked over a small game scene; otherwise, it would be less honest and more of a show of a shadow of honesty. I used to say it was for everyone's benefit, but perhaps it's been reality-avoidance. On that note, I want to simply make light of the twice-repeated notion that people not paying attention (impossibly) to my father's perceptions of reality and thoughts are in fact, ignoring reality by choosing to wear earphones during travel - if I were seeing through a protective lens of anti-narcissism, as I often am. Again, I am trying for humour instead of anger. Well, that's all. Thanks everyone. ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ Waking up before dawn but feeling like I actually got as much sleep as possible ~ A gym visit yesterday that happened despite a nervous moment, being with a new peer ~ Easy bathroom visits ~ Some living space cleaning

I'm gonna start with the end of the video you posted, almost - where the interviewee/'answer-giver' says that he missed an award to be presented to him, because he didn't know his grades, other than non-failure, and was maybe content with the effort he was putting in. That's where I liked the direction of the interview going after the first hour. Not that you should feel honoured - especially given what forum we're on - but I've stopped short of an in-game goal to give my honest opinion after finishing the video, before I fizzle out/reach basic contentment again. Here are 7 notes I made: 1) Considering factors of perfectionism and distress tolerance in wellbeing. 2) Considering emotional regulation and the acceptance/choice of discomfort as 'skills'. 3) Consider action for habit development, but inaction for habit-breaking. 4) 'Emotions do not cause unhappiness; things associated with emotion cause unhappiness'. 5) 'Technology has led to more activity/desire; boredom is simply the brain trying to calm down'. The last two are personal experiences related to the topic of the video: 6) Some of my past contingency planning involved what was once callously called (and quietly agreed upon) 'the biggest absolution of responsibility' - which simply meant confiding in family with serious problems up-front. The video made me wonder why that was, and more to the point, how those team members managed to make it into mental health, or even why they wanted to. I was actually so happy at the time that I couldn't find it in myself to be angry at anyone, those first 12-18 months of medication-taking. I guess that kind of makes it into the interviewee's time-frame for it. Perhaps I wasn't giving the professionals succinct and satisfying enough answers. 7) I should attest to both my father and I's experience of excelling because we were once content with our educations, not because we knew we were on track to the highest grades. Academia or no academia, I have more hope now for that sort of feeling in the future, however it comes. Thanks for posting, Wilder - I used to watch these kinds of videos with my full attention (I clicked very passively during this one), but was angry with myself, I guess, for desiring the lessons to be learnt quickly/the video to arrive at a point suitable for me immediately. Good luck. ~ Matt

Thursday, July 3 - I suppose Friday is a big day for some of you, I dunno. In case I'm not at my computer then, have a good time! There was a primordial misunderstanding of whereabouts between my Dad and I yesterday, and if I couldn't fathom any better description of the problem that may exist only between the two of us, I'd say that my determination to be calm made him even more flustered for travelling extra on foot and locating me. I, on the other hand, was ready to slowly walk home, meetup or no meetup. Perhaps all of this had already crossed his mind before he crossed the street, spotting me before the reverse - but as I say, I was hardly trying much. All of my usual mental defences/walls went up for the next 24 hours, and in the meantime, I completed a long game quest under circumstances that I hadn't touched in nine years, I was constantly wishing that all of the misunderstanding(s) between us never happened, and that we could be truly good friends. Sometimes in these moments, I think of profound phrases that might support strong clarity and boundaries, but I rarely get a chance/feel low enough to utter them. I just gave one a try as a text message, and since I intend to refuse (as long as I have the capacity to do so) to have text message standoffs on a phone. They just don't work, from what I've seen. So as of today I feel pretty knowledgeable in how the gaming profile - that I've played the most of since January - would be like for future 'quests/grinds'. I will be properly happy if I can steer clear effectively of the choice of anger for the longer-term, spanning most of my daily experiences. Over the last day, I simply gave hurtful feelings no breathing room, and planted a resolute smile on my face. It sucked, but it worked for awhile. As a closer look, I'll share one repeated inner statement - 'I will not accept any further challenges from you.' Obviously, that was just for this morning, in practice - but I could simply add 'right now' for the future. I've thought ahead to tomorrow morning regarding gaming, and should now try to put effort into remembering other various concerns over my next few hot drinks. That's all for now. Cheers. ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ Stopping and thinking clearly a few times at gameplay, and making the journey slow and smooth ~ Mike Oldfield music in the background, and music favourites whilst out walking ~ A good tone set with my would-be boss, though the kitchen found a full-time candidate before my part-time ~ Earphones worked underneath beanie

Week 1, Monday: There were a couple of choices open to me by late-morning, and I chose the short-term satieties. But I felt discouraged from not reaching my father in the moment - he has a partner (not my mother, if y'all could tell) who may have made it easier to be offline and more or less unreachable today. I don't blame anyone except the (even bigger) man upstairs, or rather, my own imagination. I'm not even angry or disappointed, just weary. I'll probably have to remind the hiring staff to register my proposed shifts before the days actually arrive, and Dad even pointed that out, but all I read/heard in his meagre text was 'I guessed the day and your meaning wrong, and you should be punished for my mistake' (old trauma). I did what was necessary, but I'm always going to know that the offline world is worth more. I just need to understand and be understood. See you tomorrow, as it's already darkening up for a few days of rain - and I'm tired from my own expenditures. Don't black out could be today's advice to anyone self-punishing. Don't worry as I do; it's unhealthy. Peace, ~ Matt

Week 1, Monday: So of course, I slept well because the plan not to sign into games this week was front of mind. Then, I made several small conscious decisions, like keeping the lights off until I was naturally awake. Fine, but then some sounds, and remembering my dad's recent solution to a skewed toilet seat being 'push it back', simply set me off into a rumination trip. I almost can't help it, that it's so natural for me to rapidly thought-hop as I go about my (morning and other) routines. Online gaming was 'enforced focus' from day 1 of discovery, and it somewhat addressed that - I'd include my original gameboy games, but they were gifts from my parents that I happened to get hooked on (Pokemon), plus back then I was a bit more forceful with objects and would shut those games off sharply when I thought I had to. I discovered my truly addictive game in a moment of boredom when its music emitted from my brother's room, and it was almost 'game over' for real world pursuits at that point. But I didn't want to come on here just to complain a load about the past, only because of a few facts of today's matters: -> Mindfulness (win), rumination (forfeit, or loss), the outdoor world (neutral as of yet). I may update my posts, but during my detox I often didn't unless I was already considering gameplay, and felt that things just didn't matter enough while away from them. Also, edits don't bump - is it foolish to suggest partial bumps in forum mechanics? I'm just after some momentum that won't land me in water that is too hot. Gratitude ~ This is really difficult right now, but I guess I progressed in the form of both new and old book-reading for a few hours yesterday ~ Some heavy metal played during the final fix of my game ~ Partial understanding of when people have had 'proper' moments of livelihood (like letting doors shut in a certain fashion but footsteps casual) ~ Actually gazing at my unwashed dishes and positive regard for them Peace, ~ Matt

Significant late Sunday morning post: It's 5 minutes til midday here now, but I've been awake since 4:30am from a dream-shock in the form of a TV monster (that I didn't even end up watching more of! - It was a previous creature). I'm pretty sure I actually gasped out loud, and that was my 8 hours of sleep already, so I got up. Now, aside from a lovely morning trip for groceries, I've basically just been online, clicking away with music. As of today, two feelings have gotten to me instead of the usual one - 1) Making my gaming profiles simply unusable/item-less/whatever, and 2) A scary feeling of dropping into sleep whilst sitting in my chair, brought on by stretching my arms above my head and leaning back. -> Maybe I should have slept 2 more hours until daybreak and that might have been good enough, or maybe I needed a second walk yesterday instead of staying sedentary from midday onward. But there's probably no denying that gazing into the screen with an active mind but dragging the rest of me behind, played its part. ^ That's not all though. I am awaiting the official assigning of two full-length work-shifts doing washing-up and preparation to me for next week, and I want to be sure that I turn up both fit, and healthy, without preoccupations. If I don't play my problem game, and nothing upsets me, and the work turns out badly (yet I felt a certain closeness with the staff from a mere 2 hours last week, so I am hoping I can get integrated there), then I'll be able to tell what to do next. ___________ So, I'm going to take one full week away from gameplay; by the Monday after next (in 8 or 9 days), I should have both worked and processed my thoughts and feelings about it. If I integrate well, I'll start abstaining with a multi-weekly count. My next post, I intend to start with 'Week 1, Monday:' (and so on), posting what I need to. That's all for the serious score. ___________ Gratitude: ~ Finishing off maybe 2/4 of the main parts to a full-fledge ('free to pwn') game profile, with precisely 'the right amount of stress' - there was a bad moment last night when I used 30% of some points total to avoid a much-too-dangerous task. If I weren't set on abstaining for at least a week already, I would at least restrict the activities list to an absolute minimum. I'm really not even close to beating all of the game's achievements and 'bosses' - on that note, it's hard being a real-life boss; why should I care if I personally can intentionally beat one? ~ A sunny day before four days of forecast rain ~ Wholegrain crackers with nuts ~ The only pain this Sunday has caused me so far, is finding out after 2 hours awake that a break from my game is pretty much non-negotiable. Giving this next workplace an honest try and keeping friends and family in the loop about things at this time of year is a high priority. Well, that's all - and I know it'll be hard, but happy weekend everyone, and good luck. ~ Matt

Saturday morning: Easy decision, coming online here to type - I missed yesterday as I had enough to think about, plus I left my new, would-be boss a message saying I'd like further training/opportunities after the first 2 hours. I've woken myself up to leave one over the phone before the business ramps up today, and will leave it at that for the weekend. Also, a lot of my energy was used up yesterday on a friends program meet up for 3 hours, and I did some repetitive game-playing that I previously deemed 'too painful' to do anymore of, but was 'necessary to progress further' in it. If y'all must know, the time has come around again to watch the last couple of weeks of my subscription dwindle. Unfortunately, my brain has already formed some plans around that in free-play, but that is incredibly boring without people who will chat with you at the same time - maybe it'll mean a proper break. -> I know that the standard advice revolves around changes being promptly made in the here and now, but since I've already come here - I'll just be thinking about the timing of more important activities in the day, as usual. Time to try and plan the weekend; good luck all. Gratitude: ~ I double-checked why I couldn't heat my frying pan to finally see I'd knocked the plug out - fixed and cooking done ~ Even two hours of moderate working pressure made me grateful to return home, and later a healthy hour of lifting - I wonder what double or triple that would do in the same place, if it is to go well ~ I felt well enough to think of resuming a TV series just for its 80s vibes - though the scares and twists are a little weird - maybe principle says not to, but I could look at spoilers/plot summaries to assist me ~ Gratitude for gratitude (gratception) Over and out. ~ Matt

Thursday morning: I missed typing yesterday, partly as I had not much planned Tuesday/Wednesday. However, I got out for some high-repetition upper-bodyweight exercise yesterday afternoon. I also finished re-watching 'Major Payne' in the evening - @Yan, he looks a bit like David Goggins; you might like him, voice-acting considered. I might as well give a kind of review of the movie: Someone whose father was in the military suggested it when I was a teenager. That same someone later encouraged some youth-training - anyway, whilst I didn't 'get' a lot of Major Payne's 'adult-speak' the first two watches, I picked up some this time: e.g. 'What, you think family don't break up? Ain't you ever watched Oprah?' - I didn't remember that last reference, and he spoke those words 'normally'. I don't remember having watched any Oprah yet. 😮 ^-> By the end of the movie, the main character has a vision/epiphany and there is a happy-ish ending. His character doesn't change - much. I liked the straight-forwardness of the dialogue and story (it's a 1995 movie after all, I guess), and how it stopped just shy of making me cringe. The movie also has a good opening. The principal of the school is an antique. ______________ I've been meditating for a trial work shift today. I aim not to let 2 hours of even the worst experience get me down, and will hopefully be able to exercise in company an hour or so afterward. Before that, yes, I was fooling around on my joke of a problem game. I've had a run of luck, combined with sensible 'choices' inside of it. Maybe I'll find no reason (of any twisted design of my own) to dive back in later. Good luck, everyone. ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ A dream in which I did almost two-dozen, slow ab rollouts until failure, in good company - will try soon while awake! ~ Contact with a hirer, obviously ~ Surviving the relative cold temperatures ~ Harry Potter book 5 (they're not over til I'm utterly and painfully bored, I suppose) ___________ Notes space (none yet)

Tuesday morning: Yesterday, I went for a short jog and a moderate deadlifting session later after. Not my best, but I did hold on to/grip a decent weight for the longest time in awhile. I thought inwardly this morning that I could replace games with movies again (not so much TV series, as they seem to present less moral lessons and try too hard to encourage that we watch every single episode/season, but maybe one or two included). I did this before, after adapting to a new medication, and becoming done with (one of a few in my history) a copycat game. It might work for me again, because unless the movie content is significantly disturbing, it can be effective escapism, as well as evoking empathy. I tend to reserve intense criticism for when the movie (after several pauses) is finished, instead of exclaiming mid-way, 'Great directing/ad-lib/special effects!' etc. I think that's because in the past, I've latched on to details at various points, letting the rest wash over me as I think about them. I want to appreciate the work put into films constantly, but at the same time, I also don't. What do you guys think? I'd try to post about how they got me through the day, and what I favoured in them instead of games. The movie I've started today was a continuation of nostalgia-seeking, which is what my re-released problem game was initially about. I thought of the title because of a few searches and beginning-watches I went through yesterday, and was having a mindful period this morning after resting from yesterday. It seemed more than natural. ____________ Again, that said, there's the question of in what circumstances I ought to (if ever at this juncture) be 'tougher' on myself - such as facing spontaneous chats/making requests/sweating and trying harder when exercising if someone looks my way and I want to use that as an excuse to worry/get distracted from the effort. It's just that I've already tried that approach as a teenager. Monstrosities occasionally ensued. Well, leave some input if convenient for you. Cheers. ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ Smell-memory in the air outside ~ Low-carb breakfasting (to 'beat jitters') ~ Been awhile since I've said it - 'not dying in my sleep' ~ A weird, compassionate-combined-with-concern dream (almost too real though - an household item brought it back to mind suddenly) ____________ Notes taken: 'What makes a person worry less and pay more attention to subtler social cues/hints as to what should actually be done for someone's needs next?', and 'Do more people really often, consciously and simply choose to be kind/unkind at rapidly-unfolding moments, rather than adopt one or the other as a sustained way of being?' 'Zen?'

Sunday evening: As usual (though one of the few reasons I can think why is not feeling the same kind of happiness other Sunday-citizens were presumably enjoying), Sunday has been tough to get through. I had a concentrated bout of frustration and dread over trying to have texting conversations. I may have been a little silly, in the original sense of the word. I've been online, having somewhat the usual cerebral experience, and didn't end up going for a 'turkey' (three gym sessions on three consecutive days). That was fine, except I spent far too much time locked into a game - 'it'/the main culprit. I can honestly say that my plans for it have stalled. The game is, as of the present moment, a joke of a journey to consider. Maybe it was the thought of a first planned - duo - exercise session in the early morning tomorrow, or the place we've chosen to go, but I worked through an angry set of imaginings of my own making as part of a standby. I was also trying to watch an angry character (and a very mild-mannered one as well) in a movie, and may have soaked up too much energy. But I talked myself through it during pauses, and now it's time to wind down. Hopefully I won't be telling you the same thing tomorrow. I aim to be my healthy brand of cool, so things should be fine. Good luck all, ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ Blue skies ~ All grocery store stock available ~ Easy-ish cold shower water ~ Nothing outside that I perceived went much wrong ______ Notes taken: 'Gaming isn't even effective escapism', 'Too many opportune moments have I watched pass' (but how do I avoid hyper-vigilance?), and 'Do I have sufficient energy reserves to sit out unhealthy urges?' (and how might I develop more?)