wheatbiscuit

Jan 31 Today was a well-ish-tasked day: I went to my GP, psychologist and workwear store for pants I intend always to fit into. I bought some again-healthy-ish granola which is harder to measure/force down like I do with wheat biscuits and quick oats, so hopefully I'll be sensible the one or two times a day I eat it. The only time I pressured myself to game was for an hour admittedly, because I thought I noticed a relevant feature, which ended up disappointing me. I dodged a nap and might be just a little closer to stable feelings around meds. I still have the memory and vibes of those two recent weeks though. Independence as a feeling is something I've always sort of gone for, but in actuality is complex. I solo discount rent from family, and actually have worked a casual dozen or two full days total since the end of last year. The meds situation kept me from joining them for a couple of shifts, and stunningly my dad tried to call that the end of the position. I'd love to completely ignore that, but easier said than done. In order to achieve independence, both my condition and boundaries need work. Because of game chats, I'm honestly an efficient back-biter, but that's not what I want for any extended period. I could continue a cycle of withdrawing-then-fixing ties with everyone I value, or resume some long, explanatory-but-civil texts which just don't seem to get much across in the end - or start doing and saying what would seem out of character for me but actually isn't; the internet-using me. It had reign after high school, and was basically trouble. Above all, I don't want what I experience as trouble with practically everyone simply for independence. *shrug*

It's probably the right thing to do, acknowledging how I deleted my last journal. In my weird world, it would mean progress to me if someone else had deleted their own whilst upset - especially if upset with me. I would recognise the confusing feelings because I had them as well. It didn't help at the time that I had read twice the story of a depressed writer who saw his throwing away of his journal as a grievous act of self-destruction. I got over it because I've been in worse pain. Anyway, my first wish is to change the feeling (or if correct (here online, specifically), the fact) that things are generally not improving in my day to day experience of life. The second is simply that I would prefer perhaps gentle teasing from everybody with regard to my RPG habits - instead of, say, all-out assault. This is because I truly don't grasp how bad or good my habits are. Maybe to re-state, I already have 2 disorders to deal with - not including gaming - and no matter how I spend my time, I end up blind to some or many things. It could help on this forum if the 'keener eyes' remembered that about me. That said, I would love to be able to get lost in healthy discussion here if it didn't mean argumentativeness would appear in face to face or intimate texting settings involving me. Part of the reason I decided to type again is because ruminative anger was getting stuck in place and I wanted to prove to myself that I probably wouldn't actually say or do anything angry if I ordered my thoughts at home on the keyboard some more. I also mostly felt trapped following discussions whilst scrolling my phone - how could my smart little tablet carry over to me so much distress? So yes, I believed in one moment at least that things were slipping. On any given day, one could even ask what I 'did' at play on my computer, and I would outline it - likely shame-facedly as well - because I know what is consequential for most, but for me, it's hard to predict. *I lasted 2 weeks with a medication adjustment recently and resumed that one subtracted pill so that I could at least feel order. That is one thing we could share still. Post away, post away, + PMs welcome. ❤️ ~ Matt

Hey, happy weekend. Yeah, glancing away from a gaming window in an effort to take things in word by word. Well, clicking and examining is almost what my eyes do because of extensive play. Edit: Also yes, reactionary thinking and feeling have been problems in the past. On the other hand, I actually meant abstinence let me achieve more, but that combined with medication I was pretty sad and upset (not withdrawal; it's sometimes my natural state). Second lastly, that was indeed confessing a need for less-tangible play with technology. I also wanted to say how most people deserve better than having gaming needs appear. The last part was a bit of a dig in your direction, I apologise. Basically, I envy those who can let go of major hobbies/routines and remain at peace. Cheers for getting straight to breaking down posts properly, I would especially understand directness coming from deciding what habits to develop in the near future.

Honestly, I think I've typed too much alongside sessions over the years to make much progress with myself that way. That said, I also think I outlined other significant problems here in the past that led to extensive hours played in my case - and maybe why I ever looked forward to them in the first place. All it has taken today to entice me here to go off and think were made up of glances. I actually came to check-in here after nearing the end of listening to a sincere video interview about poverty, in the hope of something similar taking place. Should I have dared? 😄 To take an overview, no, I don't think any of us should need to rack up experience points; pre-agreed points of discussion perhaps, yes. One excuse could be a sensitive or indeed soft need that I once worded and was to the effect of 'seeing ripples in a pond I recently touched' - that is what I understand most video games to be like. But is it not better to have practiced responses in the offline world - to 'click' and 'examine'? I don't for one moment think that I could get by again reacting as I once did as a child, pre-games. That is only me. One friend of mine expresses reluctance to 'overshare' at all, which is something I admire. The friend who contributed the lion's share to my journey here told me (after my detox!) that I still wasn't coherent enough for him. That is one of my more major concerns. If you hadn't already seen, I am largely soft by nature, and warming up is a very necessary process. Through abstinence I did achieve, but not much personally in that sphere. To conclude and re-state, 'should need' has yet to become 'does/do need'. Forum direct messages are always welcome, as I've typed what I would have typed to anyone, almost anywhere. If it helps anyone, I would encourage not to immediately view posts through the lenses of either addicts or fierce abstainers. I admit, it's hard to see many updates as a whole myself too, generally.

Hey Yan, sorry that I just assumed that at least you would be plowing on, without really checking. I'm in a way glad it was only 3 days ago. Most of the time I spend deliberating on what I want out of a certain period, I keep on coming back to "balance": go-time, or at least consistent effort in the gym/on shift/socialising, and rest & relaxation. I could understand that not everyone needs to/has the luxury of balance between possible extremes of the two, but - even though gaming is still a mental exercise, in my opinion most of us are smart enough to "relax" with it in some way. Basically, I haven't binged longer than regular waking hours (16 at the very most and worst, I believe) since I was given medical treatment almost 10 years ago now. Even then, I had chores and work to do/in my mind - not to mention relationships. My point is that maybe there's a passion you haven't exploited that you might be extremely efficient at, thereby reducing time spent in achieving satisfaction. Ikar told me sometime that my age (29 or 30) was 'no age' in being set in my habits. One of the small moves I've taken is having bought some fair-priced colouring pencils. I'm now on the lookout for an extensive empty picture book. It's music and truly harmless concentration that I'm looking for. Keep searching! - I didn't enjoy the idea of you dominating a game too much (as you surely did!), but the humanness that crept into your posts as you potentially watched several of us 'drop off' was heartening, as I often find in these things. ___________ As an update, I 'creamed' several in-game tasks as well during my break, at much cost to my mental state a few times. It starts with my morning cup of tea, and the search for something that: 1) Takes 30/45/maybe 60 minutes, 2) Sets me up for the day's to-do list without making me down-and-out about it, and 3) Improves relationship perspectives, generally. Someone from one of my groups also passed away, which was unexpected and saddening but not truly unbelievable - I will say that it is still a bit unreal and unfair to me though, ultimately wrong or right I don't know. I'm not counting my chickens, but there is still a lot of hope for this year in my book. Support to everyone and this beast of a journal. - Matt (wheat biscuits still have worked well at all hours).

I've held 25 hours' casual employment per week for a month now. I gave myself a 90 minute day-readiness routine, soon deciding not to game in the mornings I work, except for a sweaty night last Sunday waking me up early which I might have fixed with a shower. So that day, I made sure to text back my dad before the shift started, and was then rewarded in a way with a 'take care' message. Along with several mantras of my own, I did. Maybe likes change, but for me loving feelings don't. Need-negotiation. It was a hot day today so I stayed in, literally getting all the fill of the internet I could manage - and when I moved on to a book, I was inspired. Wholly 'finishing' an activity before dark also seemed like an achievement, and so I checked out/in on the status of the groups I've been a part of, figuring also to update here. I don't expect too eventful a holiday, but will be going for peace and wellbeing. Sending everyone here the same. ~ Matt

I imagine there were good things (even if simply being physically provided for) as well as cyclical(? - or just learned) bad things like with me, but if you have an okay handle on things/improvement, stall it IMO. I am bitter to the day, but had my ex not labelled me on break-up, I might not have known or questioned anything within or out until it was too late. NPD, man.

I watched Cam's relapse video, whilst going for another level on my game. I do tend to surprise myself frequently, acting and thinking the way I do - though most of the time in good faith. The surprise was reflecting on being hit by all 4 relapse factors last Saturday, almost in the same order given: 1) Stress 2) Feeling Good 3) Used as a Reward and 4) Boredom. What happened was 1) Stress in a public place, 2) Feeling good for initially prioritising my mental health, 3) Used as a reward for reaching out and updating you here, and 4) Boredom when I convinced myself that 'zombie-time-goals' were the healthiest short-term option (though on my game, they never stay short-term in my case). What I thought and/or discovered was that no one was going to come knocking on my door (at home or virtually in direct message) because of the decisions I made alone, on and offline. A lot of my activities in the last 1-2 months, what with my new and existing social groups and the members in them were not planned very well. I put a lot into the new groups, and I guess didn't get what I needed. The same needs for reciprocation can be brought up here. It is not yours, or perhaps anyone's fault. I had an interesting and active first stage of my life, and between those things (and being me), I express a lot and usually have. The disappointment I felt in both myself and my 'circle' - including these forum pages - was enough for me to decide to withdraw (and delete my journal - wise, I am not sure, but I felt humiliated/humbled enough), and it could have been a longer period than just this last week. I have had my basic music collection + system recommendations, other random players and webpages in general to thank for that (and then my conscience). I noticed one main thing this past week, and that's my lacking in the 'balls' department. I may not even need different medication, if at all to fix this. However, I have not actually allowed myself to fully mesh with my physical/local community since living on my own. There is no assurance that this is even possible, but it is essential that I give it a go. I guess all I'm asking for is a 'good luck', like I finished so many of my previous posts with, but also because I don't want to just remember being mad at everyone and that you deserve this explanation and better from others. Heaped personal messages to friends and family wasn't working, and being overly attached to the typing of 'the whole story' very frequently here turned out not to work well enough either. I want to be a kind of responsible that I haven't quite yet tried. Some people seem to have mentioned merely 'having mental health' as though it were a bad thing - even having the conscious awareness of it. To me, that is appalling. Not now, nor in the future do I want myself or anyone to feel the need to play games on a machine (and be 'played' in return) any more or less than when I found GQ, one and a half years ago. What I want for us/everyone who resorts to the internet is conscious and good mental health. That's why from now I'll probably just lurk/stop by while trying to do life the way I need/was meant to. I might like posts or sometimes reply with praise/encouragement, but I am convinced way more of my life remains 'out there', or at least where I might really have to put in work, besides compulsively recounting my day/airing my thoughts. Sorry for any grief. What also hit me this week is how fragile our collective ties can be, so I'll try to remember that as well. Peace, Matt

I could appreciate the magnitude of having to buy a physical console in the extended heat of the moment until setting it up again. That decision would worry me to no end, personally (sorry :X). Typing here a ton has somehow kept me off of Youtube mostly, and I've given up trying to adjust my clicking style to those of 'the best' shown in videos, so I dunno. Hard learning and the sheer number of speaking videos on the topic of self-help have made me think long before starting one, this year. Putting down a book or taking a break from text feels less like abandoning something than pausing or leaving a video speech (I made this last statement up too, so not to worry!). Lastly, though there may be other 'peaks', our habits can always change. Even after my own cave-in yesterday, that idea wasn't shaken much. I just think to myself that I know what that will look like already, when I can't. I also sometimes think of physicists who could observe things like gravity, ripples, time and space and feel so mystified that they turned to the numbers, dedicated. I think of the guilt of using recorded music and earphones ebbing in and out as I determine whether or not I need it in the moment. Our 'predecessors' perhaps intended for people to be dedicated to discovery and/or reflection. I've said before that my RPG meets a similar need to observing splashes and ripples from dropping things in water. The rest of it is just a 'bonus'. I may not wholly be an introvert, but I have many introverted needs - like requiring fewer, intimate friends. It's not that I can't do otherwise, but maybe I shouldn't. I've thought that maybe monogamy/marriage these days is almost reserved for people who cannot be out of tune indefinitely with those needs and eventually need that recognised. Maybe that's some of us here at GQ. ___________ Finally, those sentences you've put in quotes and italics are so good I thought they were taken from this website! #2 - Inspiration that doesn't quite come to fruition 😛 #3 - Unwinding! I almost wish I had proper experience of truly being wound up, but yeah - I usually add 'celebration' as a reason. Could you be kinder to yourself as to what you deserve, I wonder? #5 - Familiarity with the game's images versus knowledge of the mechanics #6 - It took a lot to decide to type my 'Day 0' post before just spouting whatever here first, true. And that's almost what I did this year for a couple of months. Maybe the real battle is finding the inspiration all offline. Advice? 9 months is almost a year of study - subtract the holiday periods. I'm likely to try something official next year, if only for shared commitment meeting people for on-site learning. I like to joke around and answer deep questions for easy distractions, and once I find those ready people (as I did for awhile at work), things often go swimmingly. Try any study you'll find useful, and if you can turn up and form bonds, the learning might take care of itself. I'm glad to have spent only an hour over breakfast here today - largely because of your post(s). Cheers Wilder.

Oh geez, I hope that doesn't happen too much at a reunion early next year. There's potential that it could. >.> I think it's really cool to examine life guides as a team. If my ex never had serious trauma and things, we could have done a lot better naturally. That might be why the exercises might be difficult - having a naturally good thing going already. Idk 🙂 Funny you mention it too now. I could try to say that erotica has its last gasp as people become more social, but like with my current RPG-free streak, it's 1 day at a time saying 'I won't game now, maybe tomorrow' as opposed to 'I will pursue romantic interest today alone, then deal with the next day.' I might be twisting logic a bit there but romance to me is like a way of life, a mandatory alternative to merely comfortably assuring sexual 'health'. Gaming could be described as more of a (but long in some cases) step in a person's journey. I tried truly opening up for a solid year, before becoming unwell as no one quite knew how to work with me, combined with my gaming. Learning to self-soothe was costly in a way. I'm unlikely to forget the highs/possibilities of my late teens/early twenties easily so that I can stop measuring things now against them. S'why we're here, so we can inspire each other with our learnings, isn't it? Edit: This has been probably my first successful game-free real early morning here, without an alarm. Forgiveness please!

Hey Cozy, I didn't quote it, but the idea of knowing already you'll simply revisit your sleep requirement next year struck me. How do we make every second count without our eyes clued to a digital (I assume) timer on a watch or overhead board? - Not to mention alarms. Maybe my default mode is actually trying to get lost in the feeling of making good time, like at the gym today (I could only see the time/TV screens with difficulty). After my forced psychological investigations started in 2013, I've mainly only been interested in felt productive energies to reassure that I'm not just galavanting around as a false self, to put it one way. Counting down from 3 until the school bell rang with my watch in sync with office time is over (bells at college? Heh), but should people like me replace it and become task masters again where possible? I also have less interest in accidentally rivalling my dad's similar abilities (when I was more driven, he once dictated when to flip meat on the barbecue right on the minute, almost beating away my appetite). I'm better at my current niche in the family. Beware skill territoriality! I do say all of this with some end in mind. My solace as a young kid used to be only music, and pausing it on the second/minute to evaluate random thoughts that came up - alone timey stuff - and then checked on my family. As for what we want people to say for us, unless it's some kind of madly inspiring story for me, my moments are largely my own and I think I wouldn't mind much. "He didn't give in to the devil!", or something, Idk. lol I mainly want to practice humble/amusing expression on our little rock here. 😛

My brother used to defend his freedom (you could say) by asking rhetorically if we had problems with the way he was living his life. I've thought that there's a balance to be struck (between my life and our life), considering all of the things other people do that have made lifestyles possible. Now at this point, I decide to wrap up before accidentally blotting out all of the offline possibilities I built up in my head today - I fancy that I was only practised enough for speech in my group(s) today owing in large part to posting here. Just a fancy 😛 My last decent dumbbell upper-body workout was consecutive bicep curls, upright rows and shoulder press, all standing. That felt good (I think I posted that some weeks ago). I like dumbbell front squats and walking lunges too, if there's space. I heard of Hemingway from his mention in Roald Dahl's 'Matilda'. Was it/is he at least kind of humorous? I mean to chase up the rest/some more of William Styron's books.

My former gaming buddy (who wasn't as willing to do repetitive levelling) had a similar point of view. He wanted mild contest all the time - action that was enough for him (in-game). Back in the day, he got me to create a free forum to recount 'adventures' we had in our team. Basically, he seemed to be broadly about learning/'education' (edit: through organising battles and talking about them) - better than the entirely self-motivated kind, perhaps. One person I semi-worked with probably thought it before even knowing other people had said it first - 'everything is a competition if you try hard enough'. It might be right to say that a whole lot of us have gone wrong in our approaches to work and hobbies in terms of energy/'attitude' (a word my buddy also said was 'everything'). I sure as hell treated everything like a competition and game during my first 3 month holiday when high school was over for me. All I was scared of was me or my peers becoming sad or depressed. I fancy that I can usually tell now, and is that unhealthy? I'm not even grieving for it so much anymore, but when I started challenging my parents, they didn't grow in my opinion, they straight up got back at me. I reckoned the difference between play and cruelty. I was allowed to mostly develop character on the internet, leaving a lot of space for growth behind for when finding myself in the right environments, it seems. Still, my defence for them would be not knowing any better. Good posts here guys.

I'm a big fan of core exercises, but is there a place you can do larger movements that still use the biceps (rows/pull ups) and triceps (push ups and dips) too? This I mainly thought of because of blood pressure - after 30+ minutes of near constant rows and push ups, you might see it drop and find relaxing easier. Curls and extensions are a lot of fun, but aren't as close to full-body exercise. If you've only got dumbbells, bent-over rows would work with those, and provided they have flat sides, you could hold them on the floor to take pressure off the wrists for push ups. I'm still working on motivation to make my own gym visits fun again. Over.

That reminds me of a Christmas that my parents handed back to me re-wrapped a gaming console that I must have left out of sight for 10 minutes (IDEK) and when I opened it, my quiet first beginning utterance was 'hey, I already have..', but then I looked up and understood (because of various morals in movies/novels). I may have even smiled, though I knew it was a lesson. 😉