wheatbiscuit

Tuesday morning, day 7: Even though there's been a lot less ruminating, a third night (out of only seven) where I spent an hour awake, somewhere between 12-3am could now be considered a trend. I've been recently tired enough to want to fall asleep between as early as 6-9pm, which when gaming (aside from its effects) made for a reasonable 8 hours average, normally from 9pm to 5am; this week it's been 10-12 hours. I'm pretty sure that experiencing a series of positive emotions in a regular activity, that is cared about not only by me, would see me keeping better sleep hygiene, but part of me is very hard to convince of such care on an average day. Some regard has been given to a community centre by a peer and I about 20 minutes' walk away, but I never had the best suspicions about its location and members. It was still a 'maybe' for this Friday. I dreamt that I was in a new kitchen, run by a heated boss/manager - who, as the stories go, had a soft side. I bluffed my way through food preparation and then shone when it came time for cleaning - as everyone else seemed to be in a hurry to leave and did a poor job. Pleasant enough was when I was praised for my imaginary duties, but I woke up as though the bossiness and work was real. There was a hot-headed manager in my book as well, otherwise I can't see where the traits would have come from, other than my dormant side or from long-past-viewed TV shows. On the plus, the month that has just passed since seeing my therapist has gone quickly upon reflection, unlike this week. That was a major reason for grinding my historic game; slowing life down/appreciating time more. I still have to work on the appreciation bit. So even if I didn't feel like it 30% of the time, with reasonably-comfortable gym sessions/walks/chores, I have been 'winning'. I have a bit of a motive today though, in addition to thinking yesterday how great it would be to have gaming completely validated by my therapist and everyone else as being a part of my life, but I also know how strongly the guilt/shame comes out in my voice when I talk about my using them to get by (and the difficulties caused), when I'm there. Maybe the talk will be more of a check-up; what I mean is, I think I know what I'll say - which usually means few epiphanies to share. Well, that's all for now. Peace, ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ Mild shock followed by reassurance that I didn't wake up a second time at 4am; it's just grey outside. ~ Tea before cocoa - besides suffering, I didn't need the 'hit' straight away! ~ At least remembering to drink some water before sleeping the second block of hours ~ A second dream where my room was chaotically messy - it's only actually 2 or 3 out of 10 on that scale right now

late Monday morning, day 6: Almost a week since the latest revelation - when I blurted out over the phone, 'I was just playing my computer game', without caring who had asked what or how I was doing. Still, what would I say now? 'Catching up on people's ideas of popular history?' (through a novel). The thing I spent the most time doing on my past game was clicking on creatures for 'combat' - where half of any two-digit number might appear on the screen in red or blue. Some part of me has likened that to face to face conversation in person, where someone mightn't know what effect the next statement or question might have on the other(s), and vice versa. That wasn't one of the problems I had whilst gaming; it was my passing by of people in public, unable to hold a smile or show of courtesy for long enough, or going to places (even the gym) while half or more of my head was still at home, locked in. As long as I couldn't tell myself that I was more/completely 'for' the offline world, and not the virtual, I was anxious. So that's what that has been. As it happens, the day looks perfect today, but I was a little disappointed because on Sunday, while peaceful, I didn't really talk to anyone, except for getting a short text reply that had me thinking that a scheduled call was forgotten. I went to bed early and slept a ton, in two blocks again. The 'hangover' remained. If I don't get worked up enough for gym, I'll walk around properly soon. I've read from page 100 to 500 out of 900 in the last week of the new book that I at first found shallow. There were enough new phrases and scenes that kept me turning them over. Maybe this week I'll have finished it and picked up something to continue on from it with. __________ Edit: There were a few mild disturbances today, though. In the morning (though I can't expect everyone to be as considerate and reserved as me in person), I was twice near-laughingly called to my open window by a tradesman to ask if I minded the water being shut off for a moment/could I refrain from using the taps. I was reading and cooking at both 8:30 and 10am, which I imagined looked lazy and indulgent. I got out for my walk, during which most of the time I spent dismissing lapses in judgement/inconsiderateness, but still felt alright. Only once home, I indulged again in a second cocoa, and soon after heard what sounded like some of the regular stamping around on the floor above me - combined with the yapping and/or yelping of a small dog. Unfortunately, I was contemplating abusive behaviour for whatever reason, and was almost ready to investigate it, until the noises stopped. By then, I was up for more decaf tea, and couldn't see any way of out the slump except to read about my historic game's new 'skill', which I'm as unlikely to try as half of the new 'bosses' the producers have put out in the last few years. On the game's download page, there is some kind of staged scene of PvP fights, which I once again told thin air to 'F.O.' with, and engaged with step 1 of the process. - But wait - Why should I download something that's going to make my life 3 or 4x harder, and take up many more mornings, afternoons and evenings? That was enough to abandon the first file and the remaining process, and make another small meal. I was grasping for any minor rewarding feeling after 1.5 days of next-to-nothing. I think I'm avoiding getting my whole person dragged into anything serious, without the promise of calming down every day at about 6pm. It's a disability thing/precaution. Do I want to feel 'just OK', without further recognisable achievement, for 30, 40 or even 50 more years? That was what was on my mind the most. It doesn't seem unreasonable, but passing that time as such is as daunting as any other period/process of attainment. ____________ Good luck, all ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ Weather, unavoidably ~ Allowing for only a semi-cold shower ~ Even as my subscriptions to the game should run out this week, I realise my free-to-play plans would most likely get me in just as much trouble too *shrug*

Sunday morning, day 5: Is it really right to expect problems if I made an easy, natural or even neutral choice of reading material (Harry Potter) at the very end of the evening, that kept me calmer still? I had long, largely untroubled sleep and dreaming, got started moving about the room, but as I made breakfast, out of nowhere I simply remembered - like someone I knew - a confronting past situation (or several) that I didn't feel like squaring up for at the time, and let myself think of angry actions and vocalisations. Such is a disorder, remembering such things perhaps, but I could possibly link the timing of situations like that to significant achievements in gaming. Should we as problem-solving people always start at the root, at prevention of such things? As a teenager initially, I didn't trust the world enough to risk spending exploratory nights out or truanting from school - so I did homework and sat at my computer during many free hours. Blame seems to complement enduring anger, which is why I shouldn't choose it often. Did I not make good friends? Did people and I have too many stubborn differences? As a last comparison, while signing into that game whenever I had spare energy (not only time), some part of me at least felt that I was 'doing all I could' to progress - though it mostly led to empty feelings eventually. Such an attitude with none of that gameplay at all leaves almost too much time for me to spend chasing the same 'amount' of progress, offline. I avoid real trouble socially because my control over a situation seems to be perceived as contemptuous - as if people think that I'd rather lose control all of the time. 'Everyone' (this is a large majority) that I interact with, I have faith in their ability to grow and/or progress. Did people in my life give up on me too early? All I'd have to do in that case would be adjust my expectations and remember that in this abstinence journey, I am giving others time as much as I am giving myself, outside of cordial conversation. Maybe a difference is that I don't expect easy fixes from here, myself. Edit (Afternoon): In 'Life at the Bottom', the author uses his experiences as a way to indirectly imply that a softer, finer or perhaps more wholesomely-dedicated way of living is almost always preferable to the opposite. I may have finished deciding to type that because it's over a cup of tea - seriously though, only because the tea is warm, un-caffeinated, and it's technically Winter. I didn't have to resort to a seriously-consuming addiction to enjoy it, either. Anyway, would any of you say that having a majority of people with the favourite passion of say, staring up admiringly at the sky, and a minority of (dedicated) aggressive, warrior-types, would not be preferable to the reverse? Sure, maybe that's the case (or preference) that we have already, but I'm only convincing myself a little more here out of a need to put constant, aggressive reactions further behind me. That, and the internet is not always a psychologically calm place - even I have shown as much. I wish that the compulsion to stick to games was never as strong and aggressive, even when it's perhaps supposed to be mind over matter when playing at them. As a long term newbie-intermediate, I was still overly attached to it and its outcomes. Only, bearing witness as I did to several aggressive kids' behaviours in school, those which outstripped most of my own, seems to have been necessary to initially kick me into gear to later exercise my body as well - that said, I only lifted consistently-aggressively for 2-3 of my first years in the gym, from 2010 on. I had to get over that, just as I got over a couple of exes' attractions to that side of me. All factors of health are important, even when I personally started with some of the most basic. I should keep some idea of that in mind for balance, rather than an equally-advanced RPG character-level profile on a screen, and consequently keeping a guard so high that a seven-foot humanoid would still have to reach for it. The only downside to maintaining such a balance seems to be sleeping long hours again, for now. Gratitude: ~ Good weather ~ Some socialising at the gym, leading to a peaceful moment ~ Checked the chapter structure of the new book to see that it does speed up - I'd almost rather it was 150% longer, and didn't, but so it goes ~ Realising that cleaning before breakfast is slightly torturous - especially when it's made already Enjoy the weekend, all ~ Matt

Saturday morning, day 4: I slept in two blocks, with literally two hours after midnight just spent reading and puzzling without suffering much tiredness at all, before going back down. One of my first thoughts today was of how perhaps experienced people give advice on real-world goals, with phrases like 'going after it'. What I thought is involved in that specifically is: A) General research, B) Telling key people of your interest, and C) Meshing together with those and other people, and learning their goals so that you find helpful information for them, when bored. Then perhaps comes D) Identifying one's self with a role, and taking smart social risks. I don't know, if I weren't so desperate to chill out still at almost every opportunity, I'd be ingratiated with the staff at my gym, say, - but I probably don't maintain seriousness enough for a lot of people. I thought of goals because after 6 months this year of gaming thoughts and plans, those online were so clear-cut compared to those I have in the real world, which is a scary realisation. I'm good at seeing, and distractions are difficult. Well, gym and other things today are very likely. Maybe I'll get a new perspective along with it. _____ Edit: The first 2/4-3/4 of the day are usually alright, in this abstinence gig; wake up, exercise, buy from supermarket if need be, and reading when idle. Most of the time, raw entertainment like too-action-packed movies/TV/games find no place in scheduling, even in my head. I've had two very human moments today and yesterday, just staring at interesting buildings when nothing else was drawing my attention. It's very nearly the most I get, other than the constant-action I tried to squeeze out of my days since long ago. PvP gaming, food service, exercise and fast music; it was not only fun, but made commitments feel easy and natural by comparison. When did I think it was ever too much? When it was 'just one more PvP fight, one more date, or five more minutes for the next bus'. Simple - easy. Suddenly people got sick of my way, and I couldn't see why, so I demanded honesty and clarity, and didn't get it. In fact, it seemed like punishment. I did my diligence to start reflecting regularly, but not enough improved. Thus, an eventual need for medication. I was actually ready to make a speech/slideshow to friends and family at a gathering once, ten years ago, to explain what gaming meant to me, but also what I was getting out of life, appropriately enough, but the scene was too disorganised, which I take some credit for. So I kept playing a little more, until there was my first episode. I could arrogantly say that 'nobody could keep up with me anymore', but maybe just no one was willing to. It sucked. Medication helped, if half because people took the situation more seriously after it was prescribed. I went back to gaming more steadily, but put in a ton more hours than ever, being a 'free' adult. I took stronger medication, and watched movies for 2 years instead. That was good for some movie scenery and dialogue (and the old sense of action) which I was missing, that people still weren't quite ready to give me. I made a new friend or two, and moved out of home alongside a sibling and friend. After a year of beating the system there, and a night at a friend's engagement, I picked up 2 hours of extremely simple and repetitive gameplay per night, for 2 straight years. From almost day 1, my new favourite 'gaming album' was desperately emotional music. I didn't really want to play; I didn't really know what I wanted. I got spiritually tired, as covid was finishing up, and it was lucky that I got the chance to move closer to town and had to forcibly change medication once more. I pretty much got my head back onto my shoulders. So much has happened though, and one of the few things I still care about is good, fair, social cohesion. Otherwise, I could be doing anything - though some activities I'd have to use significant force of personality/spirit to get through, and that might raise eyebrows again. It may be that I'll have to store up another several months of the aforementioned moments, even more consciously, before I can just muck in to work/close ties again. I know that constant electronic action doesn't do much good at all. Is this going to be a regular ranting tone? Probably not, unless too many things happen too soon. I all but promised to turn up at my local gym again tomorrow, but there was also almost no pressure applied from the promisee. We'll see about any progress on this new Sunday. Good luck all. _____ Gratitude: ~ 'Broken' sleep not making itself an issue ~ Guessing when to swap books/news for different reading intensity ~ Dish/washing machines ~ Getting positive guilt for not reaching out to/thinking of some people when they're online, then acting in some way Peace, ~ Matt

Friday morning, day 3: Wow, intensely dreamt game compulsion - not even of a realistic past or planned scenario, just something I could 'easily' and quickly 'put right'. I used to wake up with that feeling from work, but less intense because this time, only I was interested in the outcome, and it was (previously) 'fun'. But you know, crawling out of bed and forgetting to do a whole half of the morning routine, just to get an in-game fix is hell to receive perspective on. I read some of that new book too for a couple of hours, and didn't find it as 'shallow' as before - I definitely gave more consideration to things generally yesterday, and that's probably because I don't ignore 1000 things a day without all that solo gameplay. Otherwise, good standard workout yesterday. I'll see what's really 'up' on Saturday morning there, hopefully. Edit: I'll tell you, that's a rough-darn book I've found. Harry Potter has its moments too, but you know what it reads him saying at the end? 'I've had enough trouble for a lifetime' - casually. This one is easier, unfortunately, to imagine an average person saying/thinking/doing. But maybe this is because it's one of the only books at home that I haven't read cover to cover. Maybe giving up that game was too easy to do, this time. To gym properly on back to back days, or not to gym? I'll clean some more, etc. anyway. Peace. Gratitude: ~ Forgot, free cocoa and gifted socks ~ Still 'sniffing the air' for caution, but placing more equal value on things ~ Being healthily reminded of details ~ Social meet today Cheers all, ~ Matt

I'd find it difficult to call the main online game I've played massively multiplayer at all, now - the largest in-game groups of players I found recently were situated around passive/'away from keyboard' content, which said to me that few people were interested in getting old enjoyments out of it - one of my concerns. It's hard to explain how idiotic and far-flung some of the advanced achievements were though - you'd have to be SO locked in and hooked to successfully go for them. This year I created two new profiles to squeeze the lemon. My next big hit would have to be relearning how to span my natural motivation over full days again, working up to weeks. -> But I really did mean that I basically lost my sense of self sometimes, chasing its levelling system in my own tedious way. Man, I only typed this because the only thing in that game remaining was the 'RP/role-playing' aspect in 'MMORPG'. Hope good things are coming your way.

Thursday morning, day 2: I removed the game launcher and files (again), making the shameful/desperate act of visiting the website, clicking for the download (tailored to computer type, somehow) and re-installing once more a barrier. But what made me want to type was remembering the period of time when I'd spent 2-4 weeks being productive in a solo manner towards my degree, and then losing heart - only maintaining lifting, work and gaming. Back then, I had trouble telling when enough was enough, and a couple of workouts in the gym found me thinking that I was being glared at for trying too hard. One of those times, I screwed up my face mid-set at someone in their middle-age passing me with a look on his own face, so as if I was guardedly saying, 'Yeah, this is maximum effort; what of it?' I guess I mean to ask whether naturally, we all gradually find out what life simply won't let us get away with, even if it's towards growth. I told someone I'd be back at the gym today, and was undecided whether I'd try a similar workout to the one I was doing above, all those years ago (a favourite), or my standard targeted one, which I've also been missing. I was worried because I was on the verge of not caring, as long as I went, which proved unsuccessful on Tuesday. But 48 hours ago, I hadn't reached peace with the idea of not game-playing, or finished entertaining myself at the same time to distract from the problem of it. I aim to kind of read/meditate more before heading out, and I have another to-do list. For now, I am grateful for restful sleep, unhindered reading, and enough milk to spare until later. See y'all soon, ~ Matt

This is a bit of a risk, but I was reading and my brain hovered over something about sales tactics and general persuasion. If I've suggested sincerely, as my only piece of advice, that if a list of advantages is longer, outweighs or are substantially better than the list of disadvantages, a person should, or even must proceed - I still have doubts whether I could ever have meant it. Because there are needs I tend to have when it comes to convincing, like perhaps a well-and-fairly-fought battle being lost, in person, over a factsheet, in ordered company. I don't know, something like that. If it seems unfair, or to a lesser extent, inconsistent, I'm unlikely to properly participate. I would have some regret if I knew for certain that AllanJC/OP (here) read one or more of my posts this year and thought, 'F this, red flags and small bits of advice don't work on this Matt/Wheatbiscuit character', but I don't know. It just seemed plausible. I also however desire caution against the 'there are plenty of fish in the sea' line, when it comes to various communities. It would surprise me if Allan was gaming right now, to be honest. Rather, there probably are a few other places where decent education and skills would do better. Have you ever seen The Simpsons' AA meeting, where a character keeps a liquor bottle inside his shaped bible interior? If I could clearly see myself in that way; 'Yikes', indeed. No, I tried a small cost-benefit list everyday before signing in, but just didn't write it down. The difference is using those lists for serious personal gain, and what is being weighed against. I don't have all of those answers, but no one individual does, I think. That's why I've posted here at the same time as playing that game. Godspeed, all.

Wednesday morning, day 1: I spent the rest of yesterday reading. Now, I've had a solid sleep. But I think there's a problem, without the promise of any kind of genuine play (offline or online) - things like jogging and lifting, where I've tried almost everything, don't really count. They're productive. I simply forgot everything that was on my mind (except the lingering feeling of relief/guilt I last mentioned re: gaming), and seem to be left with only (the choice of) anger at things that, with my current routine and strategies, probably won't be solved. -> Things like sleeping for more than ten hours (probably medication soothing into that), relationships that won't progress because of a lack of willpower/social energy reserves. Edit: I apologize; I pleaded for more posts, you delivered, and I stayed grouchy too long - maybe it was delaying bed-making. Another thing about my game was that no one was forced to do anything (only strongly compelled/psychologically lured). I lasted 2-3 years on it before I fell in love with an image of my character with an achievement, and thought about (then went ahead with 😞 one, and then more months spent doing the exact same thing in almost all of my spare time). Before yesterday, that was going to be 2 weeks obsessively and then 1 or 2 more months semi-obsessively. And the compulsion is barely there; it's just habit. The worst/best part was choosing content that made me think little to nothing about those parts of the game, making the whole ordeal mindlessly addictive, while still letting me progress with homework and sport. There hasn't been a lot to look forward to after I finished my 2023 90 day detox, unlike 2022 when I was 'studying' my hobbies, and could reminisce with the other students, then have enough on my mind to go and blow off steam on the game. The homework made me worry then, and if I felt I could have done all of it immediately, and have no study for the remaining 3/4 of the semester, I would have, but for social/relationship/life problems that I wanted to self-soothe about. We just can't have it all, can we? Is it fate for everyone to do/say a bunch of things carelessly, and then have to apologise when someone having a not-as-good-day pulls us up on them? Maybe when we're all forced together. Over. Edit 2: I haven't gone and huffily deleted the game launcher on my computer yet, and all I had to do was stare at it for 10 seconds, picture the recent activities and again feel the previous days slide by to turn away, and own up to that here. I've been walking, after getting texts (some of them one-sided) from my Dad, about 'dropping some things off' to me, as if I knew I would benefit from that, and went the whole walk without checking my phone - which was good, because all I missed was a fake compromise and self-thumbs-upping. Well, I expect a visit anyway, because I said 'sure, this afternoon', unless I say/make it a no-go. Hopefully my non-care at the vagueness and convenience of it for him isn't a problem. Something @WilderDaze said earlier about online and offline personality, I let bother me while in the bathroom. Before I go there, it's interesting, the mere fact that I could be bothered by such a euphoric and growth-detailed post. It's like from the moment I realised there were rules in life, often repeated by family, I kept feelers out for 'hackneyed' narratives, and allowed myself to turn away or cringe, instead of try to work toward genuine agreement. I get the same deal, if I'm honest, when communicating, we say 'yeah' instead of 'yes' - one implying 'time to relax, in agreement', and the other, 'yes, I agree, but this is largely not a finished product/deal, yet'. ^-> Back to point, for sure, I stopped/toned down this disagreeable personality in order to fit in online. At the same time, constant conflict/dissatisfaction is incredibly tiring - but it's what makes me excited to 'tackle' a new day. I fancy I've seen, and even lived two extremes of timidity and the fully oppositional, so that I might be able to resume grinding away at real life, and settle for stability. It's just that, what with jumping-up-and-down outright accusations of personality-failure ('toxic/narcissistic/avoidant') at so many turns, I am derailed into rumination when there's actually nothing specifically relevant to my life. That's what I've been making (or trying to make) progress with upstairs as I do regular things. But allow myself to be 'that guy' who advocates straight-forward solutions again, and offline instead of online? Double-tough. I've seen what it has done to a few family members, and it's hard to see it as worthwhile. But if our communities and news outlets even slightly benefit.. well, maybe. Day 1 Gratitude: ~ The peace of mind that comes (and somewhat lasts) from not getting up early to fit in gameplay ~ Seeming recognising facial expressions that say 'this doesn't matter to me' and relishing my still-available choice to treat a scene differently ~ Reading and re-reading for more details ~ Water Peace, ~ Matt

Tuesday morning: A lot of people have said that multi-tasking doesn't work or exist. It seemed possible as a young person because the only requirement to get by/through school etc. was reacting (in most cases) or responding (the rest) in a semi-complicit way, as we did what we felt we needed to do to stay happy. My last response on the forum was the first thing I did today, so it was easy to focus on. Then, I worried too much about how an early-morning workout would go, and did a walking circuit instead - putting it off until lunch, when it's less crowded and I might be more awake. To fill the time between then and the end of my walk, I have a series of calls to make, and the option to semi-enjoy some time on the game. Last night, I was reading Quora, and found a lovely answer, and then the person's profile. I formed a mental picture of their motivations, and one was something like I imagine our Yan's to include; trying hard, seizing opportunities, and admiring the same in others. The only con I thought of was chasing too many trends, perhaps in order to meet people and stay popular/relevant. Other criteria were also met. Anyway, it seemed like when those few things are partaken in, with responsibility, a person is well on their way through to adulthood. I've done a lot of things in life out of order - properly, but rearranged. I've been saying to myself sometimes that I simply understood situations faster than others and thus was free to make my own choices. But, if it came to responsibly leading a group through a task, could I stand up and follow standard procedure, while motivating each person to the best of my ability, when put on the spot? A lot of situations seem to call for that (whether or not on me), but usually most involved are able to dust themselves off and plod further along. That's nature, but is it responsible? My 'solo' game profile was like an attempt at playing my problem game 'responsibly' if that, like multi-tasking, is even possible. Because re-reading novels and information is good for me, but doesn't make me feel like I can manage real problems any better, when initiative has to be taken/is called for. I still relied upon patience and timing during my detox, to act, and a lot of chance is involved there too. I just don't want to burn out for no reason trying to be responsible. Is that a chance that always has to be taken, with trust in everyone else to do the same? I imagined the Quora person scheduling and organising things like those I wrote down for myself to carry out today, without a moment's hesitation, yet understanding any delays. Then, I would have to calm myself and clean and tidy up, or failing that, bother more people and risk mania, or something. That's a concern too. There's all of that, and then there's balance, which actually sometimes feels meaningless - always unfailingly checking one's gut before any momentum can be built. Well, I'll let you know after. Peace guys, Edit: I am proud of myself for getting to the gym and back with no problems, even though I didn't lift much (but decent stretches), and I fixed 2 out of 4 phone calls - but the other 2, I'm hoping for some more processes first. It was just good to do what I said/planned I'd do, and not actively surrendering as I go online to play, view or type. I'll try to do more of that. Edit 2: I think a miraculous mix of internal and external events have occurred - I actually don't want to engage with that game anymore. I've done it all; I'm all set to click on nothing. One of my health supports called me right after finished giving a last miniature game event (that I thought 'too annyoing') a try. I immediately told her (how I was going) that it was 'nothing heavy' (the truth, close enough) and received the reply that enjoying playing it was OK as long as it wasn't too much time. My time spent would be up in the top quadrant for sure, and the relief that came with the guilt just now was enormous. Like, we covered everything and listened to each other, all in ten minutes! Don't stop posting, guys. 🫡 ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ Braved the deliberate choice to safely walk at peak travel time, with earphone music, and only one or two 'near-misses' ~ A return to drinking a cup of tea first, instead of cocoa ~ An exploratory-only trip to the library, reminding me instead to be happy with the books I've already got to read ~ General clarity

One game, since right before I was a teenager. It was at first a fantastic pastime and a way of discovering over and over again what I could and couldn't control (reliably). Possibly any curious-enough person could guess the name of it (it would be like saying 'Voldemort' out loud when out amongst people who've feared a same or similar thing for years, at pain/risk of death - just a little), but I would not recommend at all that anyone start playing it now as a newbie. At times, I've been completely lost in it. On ADHD, to frequent re-assessment (but not quite regret), I recently ignored an acquaintance who owned up to having a cocktail of conditions, including ADHD. It was a disturbingly consistent lack of preambles and affect (reactivity - even in kind words) that blocked out a lot of the light that would have helped people to see him better, I think. But to his credit, I couldn't conclude that he hadn't spent most of his life trying to be better, fit in and take care of himself and others - to do what he could. For me, it was unhealthy to keep using my brand of encouragement to make him try in an obvious way (it could have got him a girlfriend, you see, which he clearly wanted/needed). ^-> I guess what I'm getting at is that ADHD might be one thing that is more worth trusting a medical team to help remedy with you, with talk or medication, rather than symptoms of the internet that a lot more people might share. As for having a way with words, well, I've mainly wanted to provide novelty with my points of view so that people get more out of their periods of reflection as they read/listen. It was done for me, in fiction novels (and by nature), so why not give back where it's most comfortable? Again, one thing I've heard from tolerant people is that people with ADHD 'have no filter' - like enforced honesty, forthrightness, and perhaps obsession. I don't know, my symptoms there are usually under control over time. The posts you make tend to have numerous insights as well, and sometimes eerily so! 🙂 While it pays a ton to know yourself, knowing the effects/appearance of your behaviour/choices when not locked into a game, or even work, could be underrated for many. Until next post, ~ Matt

Monday midday: The last two times I caught the flu, in 2022 and 2023, I actually read Stephen King's 'The Stand' those two weeks - a fiction novel about a 99% deadly super flu. No one actually said it, but I surmised that at least a few thought that was madness or torture to do. I however, found it peaceful, knowing that a writer could come up with and sustain a story like that, during ill health or otherwise on their own. Somehow, if the flu had finished me off, I would have had all of those endearing fictional characters in mind, and consequently may not have minded; I was already sick and either destined to recover or not recover. I did get better though, and the first two gym workouts and walks after it were like the first breath of life. Basically, a lot of things, even health, could be said to involve doing things that could be considered madness. I've got Harry Potter 5 still 1/3 read (and there are very few surprises now), as well as 'Outside the Gates of Eden', which to me has been honest but shallow/not poetic enough. 'The Stand' was fantastic, not only for its story and characters, but also because I had my Dad's hard-cover copy both times. I imagined he or my mum holding and reading it in other hours of solitude. Now I know I could probably buy my own paperback copy after a 15-20 minute walk, and try to 'level up' on that book and re-live at least one year when all I wanted to do was be healthy again, but would it liven me up for another week and keep me away from games? (I didn't have the heart to pursue any goals except reading/eating/texting at the time). Did I give up games at a time when a copycat version and a former ally let me down on numerous counts, or did I simply sense madness setting in? Again, now I've come to it this past year or two, a lot of things have seemed mad - traffic, hostility, repetition, and my own regular experience of my condition. I did just finish watching 'Planet of the Humans' on YouTube - Jeff Gibbs - and his closing line was 'if we don't get ourselves under control', then.. *cue devastating ten-minute scene*. What I find when reading 'the right book', like The Stand was, thrice, is about 3x as many things and plans are considered in my mind, all behind the double-safety of a cluster of pages. Yes, whenever there is senseless loss detailed on those pages, I've put them aside for a few moments and demanded of thin air that 'the story' be 'less f'ed up', but I forgive it eventually. I think that could be an important ritual, finding mental limits safely in such a manner. There's nothing quite like looking at a person I don't know, and finding that I accept the data of their appearance as openly and readily as a cautionary or even visionary tale. What matters is that I feel calm when that happens. Too much of my favourite game runs on chance, and while the psychological translation of that in the offline world can mean acceptance of deviation from the usual phrases and movements in conversation (at the gym, say), you could say that I still find that a little bit mad. I flatter myself that I've tried being a robot, and has sometimes worked in my case. Maybe it depends on what I ought to be mindful for - because I've come to really dislike forgetting why I've done certain things, such that it's like a value to uphold as much as possible in individual life. I may need the right words from a book or a calm speaker, but madness is like being unable to ever choose between familiarity and upsetting new information: wanting both, at the same time, always. 'The Stand' almost delivered each of them, with its characters versus their particular story. But finding those books/people is the hard work that, for some reason, it's like I'm meeting resistance in the search. The flow of reading and planning seems to be elusive. Planning is becoming almost non-negotiable, like fairness or kindness at the moment. Today, I compromised between jogging alone/asking my Dad to join me, after our miscommunication last week, and walking - a 90 minute walk with 60% music. But finding the joy of the world turning beneath my feet and pacing quickly and steadily over it on a jog, I didn't end up experiencing. It has flow-on effects, if at the same time life tolerates you as a whole person. 😄 Lots to think about, but at the same time, things are moving along anyway. Peace, ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ Sweating in warm winter weather ~ Really enjoying the music playlist I spent 2 hours adding to, one night, months ago ~ A friendly dog and happy parents with children ~ Recognising when I could be about to trap/trip myself up in an activity

Sunday: Not a lot of problems presented themselves today; maybe as I woke up right before 6am again, focused and refreshed. There still wasn't any complete avoidance of discomfort, even clicking on imaginary trees and wood onscreen, throughout. I pushed myself outside a second time with summer clothing on, a little tightly-fitted but I said 'screw any external perceptions of the choice' and walked well for ~45 minutes. Now I am a little pepped up on a second cocoa - maybe I'll pay again for that, maybe I won't. Just glad it went okay and better than many Sundays past. Maybe it's because I spent most of the day feeling sorry for people I didn't know - who couldn't/don't directly wreck things for me - on documentaries. It wasn't all about long-term health though, perhaps; I had something like excuses for not asserting myself where it might have brought me peace/pleasure (I don't think they should mix too often here), as that may be destiny. I tell myself I'm being realistic and practical rather than reacting instinctively with a lot of guesswork. Gratitude: ~ Good weather mostly, and not getting full rain-pour on the morning walk ~ Trip outside #2 instead of napping and feeling restless before proper sleep later, like yesterday ~ Feeling in better tune with surroundings rather than shutting them out ~ The righteous sin of opportunity-consideration on game profiles I don't know what my mind will present me overnight without forcing anything, but I wish all of you guys good luck. ~ Matt

Saturday evening: Not long ago, I read a news piece about a recurring subject of 'men being 'in trouble/left behind''. One thing the contributor tried to communicate was 'When you start blaming others for your problems, that's when you've 'lost the script''. However, he lost points with me for tangentially suggesting a requirement that each person (man) be able to justify their existence. I've started off now too sincerely, so the angry tool in my toolbox was glowing up at me - anyway, as an addict might do, I did want to espouse one benefit of the re-release of the childhood game of mine that I'm still giving time over to, and say that it enabled reflection and analysis, enough that I started questioning things and people around me. This is significant because I found myself momentarily in front of my mother, in some deep yet casual conversation. I don't remember what I was saying, but I distinctly remember her asking me back, "You mean, I should stop thinking that the world revolves around me?" I was 19 or 20, yet I was horrified at this, after the months of online reading into the NPD that I supposedly had/was branded with by my ex. Aside from all of the nonsense my Dad spouted over the years, I thought inwardly, 'These people/this person was trusted to raise me into a societally responsible being?' Thus, the finger(s) of blame. ___________ Two other people that I've never met, who surely would have been at odds with their main respective lines on life, nevertheless shared (somewhat) a view of eternal responsibility - that is, holding ourselves accountable for all deeds since birth, and perhaps even in previous lives. I won't go further into that today. One of these individuals clearly hoped that his relevant work would prompt a dramatic turnaround in many people's lives, by the explanation of a person 'choosing the easy option' their 'entire' life''. He valued intelligence, and intelligence sometimes suggests that saving effort could be a better decision, at times. Anyway, perhaps he simply meant 'from a young age', or the realisation of consciousness that comes anywhere between the ages of 1 and 6, I guess. It probably ties in with learning speech. Me, I don't think that I had many problems until the family relocated overseas. This is a matter of positive or negative choices of reframing, but if I had to play both sides, I'd say that I felt both encouragingly challenged and yet coerced to follow around at the airport. Yes, I remembered such a scene and emotion clearly from anywhere from ages 3 to 7. Again, with the condition(s) I believe I was born with, I might now try to point blame, but I still don't know what good that would do, unless it consolidated what friendships I have within the family somehow, in conversation. ___________ Like I said this week, I rarely feel low/prompted enough to get these things out face to face with people, and maybe I use torturous workouts and gaming sessions, or even abstinence to get myself there. What's important to me is that I know what to work with in the future and what not to. In the meantime, I choose not to repeat mistakes in day/routine-planning, like going out at night with a poor mental state. Alas, it is a Saturday night, but this has been stimulating enough. I had an hour of sleep in the afternoon, so maybe I'll have the same bedtime as most people tonight (9-10pm to 6-7am). It helps for me to feel in sync in some ways at least with many others. The rest of my family, I don't know. Peace guys, ~ Matt

Early Saturday morning: Yes, as soon as both of my music and my regular game are on, I am basically shutting out reality - or at least, the reality/gravity of what bothers/moves me. It's also doubly hard when what I type/text thoroughly is almost completely ignored, in the case of my explanations of negative feelings to people I care about. After 80% of my text message to my Dad was done, I said that I hoped he felt better after our failed meet-up as well. It was either the easy option, or scarier still, the natural option, for him to say 'I'm fine, I'm just this way, and thanks'. Aside from the potentially obvious (making sure the next tone set would be all about him, overlooking my description of misunderstandings of the kind being 'exquisitely painful since forever'). I've forgotten how to finish that last sentence re: grammar, but I don't want to choose anger. Perhaps I'm understanding that in the absence of immediate danger, 'reality' just doesn't set in for many people I know, despite claims to being 'usually factually correct', or calm as a cucumber. Big deal, right? 😆 When I read some posts here that help me to see the bigger picture for our society/world, I feel better. I can see outside of myself on a few occasions each day, but maybe just to support a worldview, years ago I started maintaining to myself that the most meaning in life is derived from strong connections to living beings/things, going as far as saying 'the' meaning. It's been mostly healthier than constant conflict, but when I've felt cornered increasingly (which is an unreasonable goal for too many people a situation to impose on others), the available flight response seems a lot less so. More recently, I've been trying to relate better to myself, but that, on the other hand, seems less revolutionary when I learn of most people trying to do the same. Is that the new definition of success, as unhappy world news is more prominent? I would guard against associating contentment with one's self to attempts at measuring success that way. I am sorry, but I had to work at this post as I clicked over a small game scene; otherwise, it would be less honest and more of a show of a shadow of honesty. I used to say it was for everyone's benefit, but perhaps it's been reality-avoidance. On that note, I want to simply make light of the twice-repeated notion that people not paying attention (impossibly) to my father's perceptions of reality and thoughts are in fact, ignoring reality by choosing to wear earphones during travel - if I were seeing through a protective lens of anti-narcissism, as I often am. Again, I am trying for humour instead of anger. Well, that's all. Thanks everyone. ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ Waking up before dawn but feeling like I actually got as much sleep as possible ~ A gym visit yesterday that happened despite a nervous moment, being with a new peer ~ Easy bathroom visits ~ Some living space cleaning