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wheatbiscuit

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Days #71-#73

Gratitude:

~ In the morning, I open the windows and the air just smells good

~ I may be learning (against a large part of my will) to 'get along'

~ I haven't decided to cut anyone out, rather just 'dip' for awhile

~ Tying in with getting along, I let my old self contact two past people

Summary (the last 3 days):

Sunday morning, typing about Thursday-Saturday - I think (Thursday) was my botched squat workout (only did 10 reps of 90kg before my left lower back got sore -deep with a pause at the bottom, figures; I used to use a massive stretch reflex and bounce out of it back in the day).

(Friday) morning I was still down about the squats. though my quads were actually sore from that puny, sub-100kg attempt. My dad gave me the huge mission of collecting a couple of bath towels from his place one mile away. I got there early and said I'd walk a large block or two, until he uhm, gave me permission to backtrack (dead integrity and control exerted) to meet up. I considered a few sarcastic responses before going neutral. I didn't even shower on Friday.

(Saturday) was 3x1hour walks and 45 minutes leg pressing to 6 sets of a personal best (I'm sorry for the gym-speak, for real). Sweat hit me instantly because I had showered properly and launched into countless bodyweight squats and split-squats before the leg press. After 4 hours' exercise and 6 hours' browsing the web, suddenly the day was over.

_________

This was not typed to my usual happy standard; too much Soilwork-listening, perhaps. I switched to Blue October again a couple of times though. In a supermarket near gym, I stopped in my tracks (as usual) to consider what a mother and her baby in a pram were doing in front of me before I went to select, and two younger men behind me passed me - one saying 'Excuse me' close enough to my ear, in a way that put upped my threat detection beyond normal for whatever reason. I thought of how to politely phrase my situation before what I'm going to call my 'gaming self' simply said 'Yeah.' in a similar tone. Once the mum and bub had proceeded, I went around the same corner as them and quickly picked out a drink to buy, without looking properly. That part of me still wants to find out if any old competitive gaming processes would lead me to 'triumph' in the physical world. I'd like to let that all go, though, definitely. Fighting for social dominance without a looming, catastrophic threat to humanity like an asteroid or tidal wave is the real cancer, IMO. 

If possible, I would like to be excused too. ūüôɬ†Thanks,

~ Matt

 

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DAY # - 74 (Sunday)

Time I woke up: 7:30 am (Monday, forgot yesterday's times)

Time I went to sleep yesterday:  9:00 pm

Physical task: 2x1 hour walks + 45 minutes' push-ups/rows etc

Mental task: Facing what I felt and owning up to it

Projects: Reading 'Wool' - most of the suspense is beautiful 3/5 through, though there have been some violent shocks

Miscellaneous accomplishments: 

~ Dishes and laundry without hiccups 

~ Actually enjoyed changing bedsheets Monday morning

~ Ate an apple while doing ^ that

~ Sitting through most of an uncomfortable Youtube video (atm)

~ A day without using erotic material (there's a safe term for y'all!)

Summary of Day #:

I needed emotional space (from my parents) for most of Sunday. That was triggered. Somehow I passed the time with my nan and brother. Two of my hour-long walks, plus some bodyweight exercises at the park. No angry music, really. 

What I am grateful for today: 

~ The smell of Monday morning's air, and a shower first-thing without immediate plans

~ Sunday's 2-hour back and forth evening texts between my brother and I

~ Nobody else demanded to know why I didn't start with the important stuff first in conversation

~ The idea that I might feel like journalling daily again with something of value to say

Over and out! 

~ Matt

Edited by wheatbiscuit
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Day #75

Summary:

3x1 hour walks - the last one at night with no music because I let the charge go out of my wireless earphones, only discovering it after I left the building - forced mindfulness!

Gratitude:

~ merciful boredom (it had to be a rest day from gym, minus walking)

~ spaghetti bolognaise

~ got through about 40 pages of 'Wool' - the story is coming together

~ felt like and did clean my sink(s)

Peace,

~ Matt

Edited by wheatbiscuit
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Day #76

Gratitude:

~ a good (moderately intense) workout - what I could manage

~ I sensed the hurt and harm between those two people in the change rooms, but sort of knew it wasn't my fight or business in that moment

~ no one really seemed mad at me for the way I was operating

~ water; I drank a lot of it

Summary:

First up, a walk after a wheat-biscuit breakfast, then within 90 minutes I'd scared myself into rushing to the gym by watching a video about maintaining strength, balance and coordination into old-age, lest we all take falls and die early (was the conclusion). I actually ran into my boss and his wife along the way - that would have been awkward but I was thinking too hard about my workout.

Once in the gym change rooms, I started to get my tank top and lifting shoes on, when two guys started a verbal fight within a metre or two of me. My overwhelming instinct was actually to keep my distance for once, and once the bigger person had left, the smaller one seemed to be waiting for eye contact from me (as a witness?) and grumbled a few things - to which I replied, "It's lunchtime (it's busy *shrug*)". Later on, I thought about reporting it to the gym, but didn't, in case it made a problem bigger than it really was.

Then I watched a few deep videos on Youtube, and felt like crying - but didn't have any discussions to carry me through tears and eventually perked up at the idea of one more walk for the day. My mood changes, but I think it's to be said that my soul/spirit brings most of days' past emotional states into the next, and many problems remain to be solved before I can rush or dance through my life in true peace. 

^ so uh, namaste? ūüėĄ¬†

~ Matt

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Day #77 (Wednesday night, up-to-date)

Gratitude:

~ good weather, reasonable warmth for Winter

~ throughout the day, bad did not turn to worse

~ lite milk (sometimes I go the first half of the day without it (= water-only oatmeal, tea and cacao¬†ūüėĄ)

~ my first visit to a monthly men's group lunch (which to my surprise was a charity place open to the community - there was a booking for us)

Summary:

3x1 hour walks again (no gym) - Wanted to take my time cleaning myself up in the morning before the lunch visit, so turned down an invitation from my dad to check out his roommate's workplace. It could have worked, and it definitely wasn't out of the question, but I wanted to pretend that I ran my own life so I could converse with the other guys at lunch. I dunno. I got his text suggesting it at a classically bad time, for me. 

I finished reading 'Wool' (Hugh Howey sci-fi) this evening - it was a pretty great ending, considering there are at least 3 more books in the series. There is romance, redemption and a whole bunch of well-described feelings in it, plus other technical descriptions throughout you guys might like. There's a teaser of the next book (a prequel, I think) inside that I'll see if I get sold on.

Other than that, some videos about childhood development from JBP (surprise) I watched that shouldn't make me or my parents feel too bad - only that I wish we had time and energy enough to train/discipline my brain more previously. Destiny, I guess. 

Peace,

~ Matt

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Day #78 (Thursday)

Summary:

Went to gym after breakfast but dodged RDLs for exercise with the landmine; I really didn't have enough fury in me to launch into the former. Worked up to a personal best since changing to that gym 10 months ago. Walked, cleaned my room and went to my brother's for a pre-birthday (his) celebration of sorts. 

Gratitude:

~ the walks to and from my brother's weren't too tough going

~ caught up with our old roommate - his shoes would be worth a walk in

~ staying in the gym until I got into a rhythm and was rewarded for focusing (+5kg on side bends, torso twists and landmine press ūüôā¬†)

~ watching an uncomfortable tv show and not dying 

~ (bonus point) 2 days no erotic material

Over!

~ Matt

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Day #79 (Friday)

Gratitude:

~ I took and got away with bringing my music into my local gym (rare), and got a good rhythm going to set me up

~ my body didn't give out on me throughout (but it came close!)

~ I forgot and didn't mind that it was a Friday, and did normal things by me

~ I didn't have to talk or ruminate much

Summary:

After the day was over, I found it hard to remember much except the music I played over my earphones (shuffled during a jog, and played through Switchfoot for a warm-up walk and for rhythmic practice/build-up sets at the gym - with ONE hard rock song once I started doing conventional deadlifts; I turned it all off when the weight was heavy). 

Wheatbiscuit Senior and I haven't talked much this week. I only hope that it hasn't been hard going emotionally at his end, hoping because he doesn't fully tell me often otherwise. 

~ Matt

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Day #80 (Saturday)

Summary:

I decided to visit a bunch of bookstores in the morning, and was on my feet for about 2 hours. Later I walked for 2 more - possibly a record for me. Watched a bunch of Youtube videos and read my phone. Then I spoke on the phone with my nan 8-10:30pm, catching up on things. Dreamt about a lot of what felt meaningful stuff, including my dad.

Gratitude

~ Not getting hit by any vehicles while crossing the road (I was a bit reckless yesterday)

~ My nan I talked with is actually not a blood relative ('step' nan), and we decided recently to call ourselves friends even though family is kinder and more acceptable in many ways, so we spoke like friends. It was nice. 

~ Being able to say it's been 80 days without gaming (though in my dreams I actually did play a few times, and felt terrible for doing it - in reality, I haven't even been back on the websites except to check out a major update my friend mentioned ūüęĘ). On the countdown!

~ Bought pre-made dinner as a treat

Thanks y'all,

~ Matt

Edited by wheatbiscuit
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DAY # - 81 (Sunday)

Time I woke up: 8:00am

Time I went to sleep yesterday:  11:00pm

Physical task:  3x1 hour walks

Mental task: heh, realising at each stage of the day that my next taxing gym session (front squats) should be left until Monday

Projects: reading 'Shift', book #2 in the Silo series - am almost hooked again - despite it being a prequel

Miscellaneous accomplishments: 

~ I was so surprised that my brain didn't force me to the gym; instead I kept listening to my body and decided it'll probably go better tomorrow

~ Picked good music to walk to, very few angry moments

~ My fridge is now empty except for apples, oranges and some spread; thought I'd note that, lol

~ A double-post day! (m'pologies guys)

~ I talked about frequently feeling like an odd man out on the street last night with nan, but when that did happen today, I felt that it really wasn't anything I was doing except existing. That was a boost, in a way

Summary of Day #:

I've just been exhausted since Friday's deadlifts and jog on the same day, so had a quiet weekend - aside from the multiple walks around the neighbourhood. I've read and watched a few more things and am not sure which, if any, to talk about. I just had the thought that I envy my brother in a way for having found a daytime rhythm (my kitchen job was in the evenings), and being able to relax or go out at night with good conscience. It's his birthday next week, so I'll get over there.

What I am grateful for today:

~ moderate weather, wore shorts alongside a jumper except at night with some pants

~ was motivated and ready to actually go out and meet people but discovered the place I'm interested in only takes bookings - and I guess I haven't seen many lone individuals there..

~ the thought of my brother catching up with his friends for birthday celebrations (I'd forgotten he was doing that this weekend until a couple of hours ago)

~ tofu stir-fry (the whole process went smoothly today)

Peace,

~ Matt

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Empty fridge is a good thing!

I find a nice weekend task to be making a list of dinners for the week ahead, which helps me plan groceries. Usually I tend to have leftovers the next day which is my lunch, and breakfast sorts itself out with basic things like cereal, bread, eggs, etc.

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Day #82 + #83

Summary:

Monday)

Did those front squats - attempted 80kg six times, for an average of 5 good descents and ascents each go. Went to my brother's for his birthday and we ate + drank at the pub on main street. Then we watched two episodes of 'Domina' (about ancient Roman power struggles), which was pretty dark/mature as far as mostly mere implied violence goes.

Tuesday)

A 40-minute jog today. Woke up shattered with my alarm so regrettably had tea and breakfast before lying down for a few more hours. Got a call afterwards from the community club I would have gone to if I thought it had been possible - my check-in person is leaving their post there, as she told me after a nice chat. The place'll be just a little tougher for that.

Gratitude

~ being able to fix my sleep Tuesday morning, but if there were actual arrangements made, I probably would have stayed up¬†ūüßź

~ no real trouble for the rest of the second day

~ the enjoyment value of eating foods plain/individually (I actually spooned out the rest of my vegemite as a few servings, then ate eggs and bread separately too)

~ having a pair of running and walking shoes each for the feel of them

Ciao,

~ Matt

Edited by wheatbiscuit
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Day #84 

Summary:

I woke up from a gaming dream - attempting to complete a quest without a guide and learning everything about even the beginning of it the hard way, but at the same time remembering that in my waking hours, I'm not using games at all, so I felt really stupid. That put me in a pretty bad mood, and I stayed inside for a couple of hours before eventually walking; I had to reschedule a coffee meet - it saddened me to miss something like that even without gaming, but last night's sleep was better.

By 2pm I was finally ready for gym, after plonking myself in bed and thinking for 5-10 minutes, arriving at a self-righteous conclusion that made me get up again. Basically, it was 'I attract trouble like a natural magnet because I create so little now myself'. Right? lol - Anyway, it was my first upper-body weights session with earphone music in years, and I got through a fair bit in something like 2 hours! I left mostly satisfied.

Later, I just read the 2nd of the Silo series 'Shift' for a couple more hours. When I was young, I used to see plot twists before I read them, and I spotted a major one last night, but was hanging on every word and getting so worked up that I forgot to pat myself on the back for being clever. Ah, well. 

Gratitude:

~ I realised, if I go ahead with the trip, that I'll be celebrating 90 days game-free on the first day of a week's family holiday. That's something.

~ I want to say that I'll be shooting for 1 year off gaming after next week; wasting another summer/Christmas/new year holiday period is not appealing to me.

~ Milk - it tastes nice living alone and drinking from the bottle, plus it cools tea and oatmeal down

~ I know it doesn't make me quite as happy, but thinking as clear as I can manage feels empowering in a positive way

Peace,

~ Matt

 

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DAY # - 85 (Thursday)

Time I woke up: 7:00 am

Time I went to sleep yesterday:  10:00pm

Physical task: Walking

Mental task: Reflecting

Projects: Reading 'Shift' (2/4 in Silo series) - spending another 2 hours or so on it - the scene has been thoroughly set, and now I'm wondering what the main problems are going to be for the characters in the story.

Miscellaneous accomplishments: little things yesterday, like;

~ trouble-free 'cooking' (toaster and microwave)

~ timing my walk before picking up the luggage bag right

~ walking a fair way without music, until I actually needed it

~ a first (technically second, after my 'hey how's it going' a week or two) message on GQ discord (I wouldn't blame anyone for not catching it. lol)

~ laundry

Summary of Day #:

I barely remember yesterday, maybe because of mental preparation for the next couple of days and weeks. I intend to stay at my brother's this weekend, then spend a week at my mom's. 

EDIT: Me and my peer did that coffee meet from the day before, and we talked ourselves out of the morning stupor - especially me - with tea (his) and a mocha (mine).

I picked up one of my dad's spare luggage bags last night, taking an old, hour-long walking circuit beforehand, then catching the bus back with the bag. His roommate brought it out for me - it was nice to see him just doing his own routine.

What I am grateful for today:

~ the sun was out and blaring, and made things significantly warmer

~ the caffeine from the mocha I think was just the right hit

~ some not-so-painful family group chat online - and messaging in between

~ not going completely mad during alone time

Over and out! 

~ Matt

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Day #86 (Friday)

Gratitude:

~ arrived and settled in at my brother's minding the dog

~ a safe walk with the dog on the street

~ having a grocery store reasonably close for the few days

~ someone from the community centre saw me outside the shops and said hey (loudly! lol)

Summary:

Basically summed it up in gratitude already, but.. One routine morning walk, the trek to the main bus stop and 30 minutes with the dog. I almost went to gym, but that in total eats up like 2.5 hours instead of 1, while packing and thinking properly seemed more important. I also watched a movie in the evening - 'Happiness for Beginners', a new one - I could critique it a little, but it mostly made me feel good, so 'whatevs'. There was a funny feeling I got near the end, where I felt like sending nice texts to people I've only ever thought about over the years while watching - but then the movie's ending brought all that to a halt (the main character seems to hallucinate!). Is it wrong to artificially raise spirits with music/entertainment and use that to break the ice, rather than meaning everything from the depths of you all the time? Hmph.

Happy weekend!

~ Matt

Edited by wheatbiscuit
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Day #86 (Saturday)

Summary:

Cooked oatmeal in my brother's kitchen, and headed out right away to meet an long-term buddy for some hill climbing! He was doing it all day, while I only accompanied for 2 hours - yet the muscle soreness is pretty real here just from that. 

Later on, I took our dog for another 40-minute walk, and used the dishwasher too. I've re-watched American Psycho, frequently forgetting throughout why I wanted to. They nail some of the behaviours, and I reckon the acting would be pretty painful to carry out, even when rehearsed. Maybe I'll see it again in another 5 years. lol

Gratitude:

~ went to the local bookstore to get one for my mum's birthday, very nice trip

~ seeing the horizon from the top of the hill (it goes straight from the main road to the beach at the bottom)

~ the pb&j bagels and bananas my friend had and shared with me

~ the company of our dog 

Peace,

~ Matt

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DAY # - 87 

Time I woke up: 7:00 am

Time I went to sleep yesterday:  9:00 pm

Physical task: Gym + walk with dog

Mental task: Playing out the next week in my head

Projects: Reading 'Shift' (Silo series)

Miscellaneous accomplishments: 

~ doing the home gym workout without my own music (the old vibe was motivating enough)

~ leaving behind some stuff my brother can use (tea + garbage bags)

~ paying closer attention to Cast Away's acting and scenes

~ holding it together on me and the dog's last walk for the weekend

~ catching the bus home just as it was leaving (due to the frequency of those buses (every 10 minutes), I'm not sure if it's worth using trip-viewing apps to make sure I get within 5 minutes of one coming) *shrug* - but I've thought about it

Summary of Day #:

Like Saturday, but straight to my old gym instead! I only had my running shoes, so heavy leg-work would have been risky - but I had a good time with cable pulls and dips. Even one of the older ladies on reception when I first joined the gym in 2010 was there! 

I blew some time re-watching Cast Away, then walked the dog again. I think he was trying to tell me we should have gone later or earlier, in a doggy-way, because he was kind of acting up! 

Then I gathered my things and set off home a few hours before my brother was due back, which he said was okay. 

What I am grateful for today:

~ a nice walk to and from gym a couple of suburbs (25 minutes) away

~ passing by one of the grocery stores that sells my sports drink of choice on the way

~ my brother's friendly neighbours

~ having gotten reacquainted with watching movies for a few days

Over and out!

~ Matt

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14 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

I think he was trying to tell me we should have gone later or earlier, in a doggy-way, because he was kind of acting up! 

Dogs and cats can be pretty funny when they have to go, and sometimes after they go too. Classic case of the zoomies, very funny to watch. One of my dogs always gets real excited and tugs at her leash afterwards like a puppy, it's hard to not laugh

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Day #88

Gratitude:

~ aspects of the everyday felt less crazy to me

~ being able to read in the afternoon and evening (book and not phone)

~ the good-value 2 of 5 scented soap bar I started using (gotta wear down its sharp edges! lol)

~ this morning catch-up on the forums with a bowl of oatmeal

Summary:

I swear I just spent 10-15 minutes thinking gratefully and now this will take 5. ūüėĄ¬†One morning walk, groceries, walking to the psychologist's and back, then to my dad's to drop off some mail to his roommate.¬†

On the walks I played my two favourite bands (Switchfoot + Blue October) and 'Shift' is linking the characters' stories together before they all possibly meet later or in the next book. That's my guess. 

Going to be travelling all day tomorrow, so I'll probably pop back online in 12 hours.

Peace,

~ Matt

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Day #89

Summary:

Alarm at 6am, hung around until 7:30 then made it to the community centre just before 9. I stayed there all day, doing a bit in their kitchen, half a jigsaw puzzle and some colouring in. On the way back home, I played some Switchfoot again, somehow making it work.

Gratitude:

~ there was an hour of yoga on at the centre at 2, a surprise (to me)

~ I met several nice people today

~ my packing took about 10 minutes; mostly clothes - will review 

~ lights and heating!

I'll try to get on after travelling to post on day #90

~ Matt

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DAY # - 90! And a fine last day of my longest purposeful detox spent

Time I woke up: 4:15am

Time I went to sleep yesterday:  8:00pm

Physical task: Shaking off sleep to finish packing and get to the train

Mental task: Reading for half of the train trip to my mum's

Projects: Doing some light-medium weights each morning while here

Miscellaneous accomplishments: 

~ getting to the train station an hour early, 30 minutes waiting outside and 30 minutes pre-boarded

~ walking to the station with a roller bag at 5:30 making minimal noise

~ not freaking out too much being alone throughout the trip

~ packing just enough food (bread and sardines, heh)

~ filling up my water bottle at a tilt in the train's bathroom sink

Summary of Day #:

My alarm was set for 5am, but I woke at 1 and then 4, deciding to stay up. Good thing, because I had more time to clean, pack and eat. Everything until midday on my train ride was about staying perky and collected, up until a 90 minute nap soon after.

I talked to the lady next to me eventually when she mentioned the short time period between announcing the next station and arrival + closing the train doors again. Another passenger wanted to know how his phone's location services worked, so we checked it out as a couple of firsts.

My mum collected me from the station and we ate before doing our best at a smooth drive back to her place. I'm staying with here with her partner and a few more guests for about a week. 

What I am grateful for today:

~ the 2 people I talked to on the train

~ the silence at the train station before departure

~ catching some soccer on TV at night with mum and company

~ the value of trying to hold conversation aided by curiosity

____________

I'm not sure how much I'll be typing next - maybe just replies to the rest of you guys' posts and one or two summaries of the coming week. It's nice here!

Peace,

~ Matt

Edited by wheatbiscuit
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August 17-19

Gratitude:

~ the weather is warmer up at my mum and her partner's place and it's been sunny every day

~ peace and quiet, and a lot of green in the surroundings

~ meeting several of mum's partner's relatives, including a baby

~ the size of the residence and its openness to nature

Summary:

Thursday) Lower-body workout with the only 2x15kg dumbbells.

Friday) Upper-body session in afternoon, then a family dinner.

Saturday) Walking lunges and carries (high effort).

That ^ probably looks like it belongs on exercising forums, but I have also been thinking about the last time I was here at this place, gaming. The idea of it, especially post-detox seemed grabbing, but all I've had to do is go and talk to my mum or sit and listen to others to remind me of how much more I enjoy thinking and feeling about life offline/outside gaming, as difficult as it can sometimes be. I deliberately didn't bring my mouse and keyboard - past necessities for gaming - with me this week. Also on my mind was reconciliation with a gaming teammate, but the good times we had/could have even away from games still doesn't quite justify the amount of energy spent and not being present in offline duties as a cost.

____ (If anyone can stand reading any further) ____

My past boss called me on Friday, probably to ask if I could come in as backup for business. Before he did though, I mentioned my whereabouts and he said 'that's okay'. If I had been back home, that would have been a real possibility. The fact that he'd still ask me meant a lot after the few brief catch-ups we've had this past year since my taking time off. If I worked for him again, dedication might have me leaving for and staying in the area all day - seeing as that would be the community I would be serving. The work and pay is still worthwhile; I would just need to feel generally good about the day and night's interactions to make it a healthy routine. That felt positive.

Cheers,

~ Matt

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August 20-22

Gratitude:

~ the leftovers from dinner Friday were just as good two nights after

~ some garden work together, building a trolley and moving stuff

~ finding and getting a lift to a different local gym - good equipment

~ tissues; the dust in a guest room could have gotten to my nose

Summary:

Sunday) The new parents and baby left early in the morning - I woke up with them and shook hands + hugged, and was there for sunrise. Only a walk in the morning, but then an electric bike ride with my mum down one long road and back!

Monday) I got up and walked, but then my mum got me to a gym in a nearby town on the way to the hardware store. I did some decent pull-ups on a thicker than average bar, and pressed some weight discs overhead in between. That was all before 12, so we did lunch, rested, then assembled a trolley and a long storage box, tidying the yard around 3.

Tuesday) (Typed at 1pm) - Good sleep, but didn't do a full lunge and walking workout again. I've thought of two things behind it, but hey, it's been a family week. We moved a big platform frame as a trio, then I sat down in the yard with mum and talked. It's tough to balance all of the advice I get to make sound decisions. We may be having afternoon tea out today!

Peace,

~ Matt

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August 23-25

Summary:

Wednesday) Fish and chips at the beach on the last day of my trip. 

Thursday) The train ride home, 12 hours! 

Friday) A good day for getting back into my routine, hopefully with renewed vitality. 

Gratitude:

~ sat next to a cool, kind of elderly gentleman who had a good story

~ finished the Silo book series (I think), a surprise happy ending

~ caught up with an old friend and made a new one at the gym

~ being shown a nice time by my mum and her partner

Cheers + Happy Friday

~ Matt

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