Matt's Journal

[wheatbiscuit]

Day #45 (half a day-late entry)

Summary:

I could have made a combined entry in ~12 hours, but a few important things went down (plus last night's sleep is still fresh in mind). 1) I slept ages, and not even because I wanted too much to stay in bed yesterday morning (was it somehow needed?) 2) I went straight out to walk and gym - did what could have been a pure calf workout (because it'd been so long it felt like they didn't exist), but then added single-legged leg press for another half hour, ending in a personal best. 3) I cleaned and vacuumed everywhere except the bathroom (that would have been overkill all in one go). Finally, 4) I was invited to the gym mere hours later by my dad's roomy, and walked there half-heartedly, only to leave after meeting him. The vibes were a huge turn-off. I then did what I planned to do before he texted, which was my usual walk (but the opposite direction) and texting the friend I finished studying with a year ago before we went to different learning institutions. I may have said too much, but they're to go back overseas to family next week after finishing studying and that kind of cemented the conversation-to-be. We brought it back to Earth eventually. After that stuff, I think it was better I typed this in the morning. I dreamt very funny dreams - mostly about me 'finding my place' but in kind of strange situations.

Gratitude:

~ no real leg pain, and got through some impressive (to me) lifting

~ didn't feel like people walking by were judging me

~ most of my friend/study buddy's calm responses

~ the vibe during the first gym visit - but it could've been because of the workout I chose and again, no negative judgement

Thanks, (reading everyone's posts got me in a good enough space to type this)

~ Matt

 

[wheatbiscuit]

Day #46

Gratitude:

~ waking up at a decent time

~ choosing a phone call to my nan instead of a frenzied workout when aggravated, and her picking up

~ getting more closure on gaming despite the usual weekend's urges

~ mindfulness still appears to be king in my own situations

Summary:

Not too much to speak of here; 2x1 hour walks, the same path, did 1.5 days' dishes, shopped for milk and a stir-fry and talked to my nan for 2 hours in the afternoon about our lives.

_______________

Being halfway through 90 days without gaming, I've started thinking about another habit some of us at least know and occasionally mention. It wasn't at play in my mind much this weekend because I wanted to talk to an old study friend who finished up last month instead of last Christmas due to location. However, they're headed back home overseas tomorrow and I didn't think it right to try and fit in a tell-all date right before they give their brain a rest among family - but we did text a bit. 

I'm unsure of the order of which to carry out my felt duties to myself and society, but there are people I would be happy to talk to now, and others later surrounding topics of intimacy. Is there no time like the present, or should I just see out the gaming detox whilst job-hunting and then take that discussion to another place when I feel more confident? I just don't want instability for me or anyone else. 

________________

I'm hoping to pick up where I left off last year reading LOTR: The Two Towers - decided I need more fiction again. 

That's all - glad to be here still,

~ Matt

 

[DanielG]

5 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

but there are people I would be happy to talk to now, and others later surrounding topics of intimacy. Is there no time like the present, or should I just see out the gaming detox whilst job-hunting and then take that discussion to another place when I feel more confident?

I'm not sure if this is a rhetorical question or if you're asking people's opinions. I'm going to go with the latter so I can respond 😛.

Intimacy is a rewarding part of life. In its literal definition, it's not limited to just a 'romantic' partner, you can have that same closeness and companionship with other people. For me, I have patterns of behaviour that sabotage intimacy, more specifically I close up and become emotionally unavailable at times. Despite that, it's one of the, if not the most, important things I seek in my relationships.

As for romantic intimacy, if we treat this like other addictions, the suggestion that floats around 12 Step rooms is to avoid changes in your relationship status for a year. So, if you were married, stay married for a year. If you had a girlfriend/boyfriend, don't break up with them for a year. If you're single, don't date for a year. Of course, tons of people don't follow that suggestion, and a lot of them inevitably end up experiencing some serious emotional upheavals and of those, some relapse.

We're around the same amount of time into the detox (I think I'm at 51 days today), so maybe my own experience might help you figure things out. I stepped my toe in for a bit, less full-on committing to trying to find a partner and more testing to see how I'd handle the emotions around it. It went well for the most part, I had a good conversation with someone on a dating site before being paywalled.

I think ultimately it's your decision, bearing in mind that it will likely cause a big emotional reaction if you pursue it. If you feel confident you're in a place where you can handle a lot of strong emotions, and are practicing being more present and aware in your relationships, I'd say it's a realistic thing to try. Good luck, Matt! Feel free to shoot me a message if you want to talk about it more.

[Faroe Islander]

19 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

I'm unsure of the order of which to carry out my felt duties to myself and society, but there are people I would be happy to talk to now, and others later surrounding topics of intimacy. Is there no time like the present, or should I just see out the gaming detox whilst job-hunting and then take that discussion to another place when I feel more confident? I just don't want instability for me or anyone else. 

I would say that this is something for you to decide since you know yourself best, my own policy would be to just dedicate some time to reflect about it check yourself and see if you aren't doing something because you can't or because you are afraid/putting it off. You never feel fully prepared for something the important part is to prepare and not let any opportunities pass that hurts a lot more than trying and failing, at least in my experience.

[wheatbiscuit]

DAY # - 47 + 48

Time I woke up: 1) 7:30am + 2) 8:30am

Time I went to sleep yesterday: 1) 9:30pm  2) 7:30pm 

Physical task: Walking through city and back, and 2 suburbs + gym and regular walk

Mental task: Being much more social for a long period on Monday

Projects: Preparing to visit my mum next month

Miscellaneous accomplishments: 

~ very quick daily upkeep while in today's state

~ still getting through a surprisingly un-motivating routine walk at the same pace

~ was not agitated (didn't really have it in me to be)

~ what felt like some of the best form I've used while bench-pressing (still got outshone by 10kg by a newcomer next to me)

~ it was clearer to me than ever yesterday how much of a shadow of myself gaming made of me this year I think 

Summary of Day #:

Monday) Literally sang my way through a morning routine before going to the community health club for 6 hours. Basically talked with people the whole time. Then I botched my way through the rest of the day and felt pretty down about it. Sent some texts on the fly to family that me or a friend might have found amusing, but instead just worried them, which exasperated me.

Tuesday) Went straight to gym after breakfast to unwind from Monday, and sort of got my best results for an hour. Then I spent the rest of the day remedying yesterday's feelings. Really nailed half the week's grocery shopping in 12 minutes total. That cheered me up.

What I am grateful for today:

~  last post's responses from @DanielG and @Faroe Islander - cheers, I've often run short on manly advice in that area

~ dreary weather, which dared me to try and make pleasure of it, so I did 

~ a clarifying line of questioning from my previous social worker

~ today's workout making me realise I almost wanted to go and do group training instead - like being able to watch other people's progress as well, rather than just trying to sense and gauge only my own

Cheers guys,

~ Matt

Edited July 4, 2023 by wheatbiscuit

[wheatbiscuit]

Day #49

Summary:

Typing early as I've done a lot already, though there are a couple more things which as they stand might be too detailed for journalling. 

I slept kind of late as it was hard to judge from the sunlight what time it was, but I breakfasted up, cleaned up and went to drop off a resume at a well-hidden but very nice gym all the same. Then I bought two pairs of gym shorts at the shops. Then I saw a general practitioner for a referral so I could make some more rebated psychologist sessions.

___________________

One somewhat-unsteady person once told the everyone present that 'there's no such thing as a stranger; only a friend you haven't met yet'. I would have taken to that better if he sounded convinced, himself. lol - Again, all the same, I wish I could think of people like that and affect it without the obvious and inevitable(?) backlash I might receive occasionally(?). Besides, I've learnt to prefer the 'safe-for-all-parties' slowly getting to know someone in a comfortable space, participants willing. The statement in question was uttered in a classroom - you know, a learning space, where keeping boundaries perhaps ought to be encouraged for the time spent in it. I can see where he was at though - assuming we all really knew what society was and were okay enough with it at the time, we should perhaps have all been friendly all of the time. Personally, I just couldn't help imagining the implications of all that we were learning, instead of keeping a running commentary of my thoughts. The man's facial twitches freaked me out from the start, too.

This person eventually lost patience(?) during a break once, and gave my shoulders a shake, exclaiming 'Ooh!', as I texted my grandmother in what must have looked like too-vulnerable a manner to resist. I stood up, ready for a sharp word, and asked him (naively, not having a long history of confrontations) if he wanted to 'start something'. He had moved on to other 'friends' without further ado, but shot a contemptuous glance back at me and muttered 'if you're going to be a d***head, you're not going to like what you see', which I couldn't mistake for anything other than a threat, and some mental preparation for a fight. I replied, also being learned in diffusing, saying 'I've liked everything I've seen of you (except this), and then sat down with my back to him. Then, realising how far he was prepared to go in the classroom, I went to inform the head of staff.

He slowly seemed to forget what he did and how he felt about it over the rest of the course, but also feel what I thought was anger and shame at being handled that way by a significantly younger person (my 28 to his 40+). On the last day of the course, he unfortunately chose to ask me with enough people still in the room, and making it sound like a political announcement, "I'd like to keep in contact with you. I mean that." I just couldn't take that seriously or safely enough, so I never did (I had his number from a month or so before our incident). I think about this every time I get heated in my mind, knowing that my choice of words in the future will easily determine whether I do have 'tough' social relationships with anyone else I meet, especially places where people are learning, growing and feeling vulnerable.

It's easy enough to say I should have said something like 'not enough affection/need a hug today, X?', but I was just so shocked by the supernaturally-bad timing of his contact (I was, in fact, texting my nan about how my day was going - which could have offended my classmate in that I wasn't talking to him about it, in some way) that I felt furious. In reality, I probably would have made a small emotional scene inside the room instead of the one that took place outside with the head teacher and left it at that, but the man had gripped me in a surprisingly strong hug before, without warning, and told me he wouldn't do that again when I said it 'freaked me out'. Again, I haven't tried to start a fist-fight since I was 13 years old, and didn't intend to have one. It was as much poor wording on my part as it was timing and action on his part. Still, what does that sound like to you guys, in the end? - Sorry for typing this much after the daily summary, and especially to anyone reading it over more closely. <.< Losing my cool is still a big deal to me.

________________

Peace,

~ Matt

 

Edited July 5, 2023 by wheatbiscuit

[DanielG]

2 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

Still, what does that sound like to you guys, in the end?

To me, it sounds like you were startled and felt threatened, and so reacted according to those emotions. You were already feeling vulnerable and he overstepped a physical boundary suddenly and without warning; by most conventions, not a socially acceptable thing to do. In my opinion, you acted in a very relatable, very normal way for a person to do. I can understand the embarrassment or even guilt around how you acted. From how you write out your journals you strike me as a conscientious and agreeable person, so it makes good sense that you would feel badly about the situation.

3 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

Sorry for typing this much after the daily summary, and especially to anyone reading it over more closely. <.< Losing my cool is still a big deal to me.

I get the need to apologize for taking up people's time. For a long time, taking up space, especially since I spent a lot of time not doing that, felt like I was overstepping people's boundaries. Also, I felt like I wasn't worthy of being vulnerable in that way with people. You're allowed to take up space, too. Especially in a place designed for self-reflection, like your own journal thread. If people don't have the time to read, they won't. The rest of us who are more invested in getting to know you and see how you're doing will take the time to check-in.

[wheatbiscuit]

DAY # - 50!

Time I woke up: 8:00 am

Time I went to sleep yesterday:  11:00 pm

Physical task: 2.5 hours' walk plus 'workout' (see day summary lol)

Mental task: not 'trippin''

Projects: friends

Miscellaneous accomplishments: 

~ swift tofu-frying

~ the amount of time spent exercising today

~ garbage out and changing bags immediately

~ kept windows open for fresh air despite cold (a little outdoor noise helps my focus)

~ watched a heinous music video all the way through because I liked the track. lol

Summary of Day #:

Breakfast and warm-up walk before gym, where 1 hour of seated hip abduction and adduction machine-work took place, giving me a numb left shin muscle most of the day. I had tried squatting but it felt like a total no-go because of those muscles, so I hit them today; will see about it tomorrow. Then two more hour walks 😮 

What I am grateful for today:

~ felt clarity of mind

~ my left shin didn't feel numb forever and need amputating 😄 

~ my strict-ish shopping lists

~ bargains filling ^ them 

Peace,

~ Matt

[Faroe Islander]

On 7/5/2023 at 8:20 AM, wheatbiscuit said:

Still, what does that sound like to you guys, in the end?

I wouldn't be able to fully tell you since I don't really know your full backstory with the guy and do kind of also struggle with physical contact but I more or less agree with Daniel.

It is normal for someone to react like you did when a person suddenly touches or embraces them I even had a very close friend give me a punch in the stomach out of reflects because he didn't realice it was me until he hit me so containing yourself was good.

The only thing I would advise you to do is to not keep these worries or opinions in your head, maybe not in the moment because we all get nervious and act a bit out of emotion but the ultimate goal at least to me is to make your boundaries clear or understood and not carry a grudge, if someone hugs you or touches you and you don't think they should tell them straight up or at a later point in time to avoid possible future problems.

The rest of that interaction seems more or less normal to me with maybe the exception of going to the head master but if it makes you feel confortable that is what they are there for so it is fine.

What I think you should give some more thought is the part about the conversation when the course was ending about wanting to stay in touch, it is perfectly reasonable to not want to stay in touch with someone, you are in your right to be able to do that.

I would just like to ask you to reflect on if the conclusion you came to about him using the political tone was or wasn't influenced by the previous encounter. That way you can hav a clearer picture about if he was in some way mocking or forcing you or if it was just a nice gesture, basing yourself on the prior connection an evaluation of the circumstances and seeing it as if you were a spectator to the scene.

That way you can put the question to rest and better learn to deal with similar situations in the future knowing what boundaries are and how to deal with other people in these kinds of situations.

Anyways I hope it helped though I have to admit that I could be wrong or a bit biased since I don't know your specific circumstances, I also sometimes struggle with similar situations,  I often enjoy physical touch with my close friends and come from a more open culture than normal where contact and openness is more accepted so take my words with a grain of salt.

Edited July 6, 2023 by Faroe Islander

[wheatbiscuit]

Day #51

Summary:

Bit of a do-nothing day mostly. I got in a morning walk before phoning my nan for awhile. I went to a GP again about my shin being numb (that actually didn't go away overnight, though it's feeling more alive again tonight), but now I'm having a blood test because it's been a year and an ultrasound. *shrugs*

Tried to start a serious bodyweight workout like during last month's push-up challenge, but basically failed. There was a ridiculous and noisy workout going on next to me which didn't help matters. lol I made spaghetti bolognaise again because Friday. 

Today I was grateful for:

~ all the warm drinks I had (there were 5! 2x tea, cacao, peppermint + chamomile throughout the day)

~ a straight-forward groceries trip for milk and dinner

~ the Alan Watts 'being in the way' youtube series I'll probably take forever to finish while paying attention

~ the washing and dishwasher machines

Happy Friday

~ Matt

Edited July 7, 2023 by wheatbiscuit

[wheatbiscuit]

Day #52

Today I was grateful for:

~ being able to spend time in the suburb I live in with my brother

~ a decent gym visit (albeit with no real leg-work aside from standing stiff)

~ waking up alive, but really ought to cut out some of my nighttime phone use for more restful sleep(?)

~ the urge to restore some more order to my room, some while playing host to my brother lol

Summary:

I only had to sleep about 9 hours last night, so it wasn't like my usual hibernation. 😄 I got up and out before eating/drinking for a fasting blood test after a year without one; figured it was time. Then I came back and was almost disappointed in how quickly I came back to rest even before my first meal was finished. Maybe I should fast a little more during waking hours. 

Soon my brother called for a noon visit, and we talked a bit and watched some Youtube together. Then we walked around the block and I came back out with him to go via the gym and to part ways for the afternoon. I felt pretty secure after all our murmurings. Tomorrow I intend to be out pretty much all day, but it isn't comprehensibly planned.

Peace,

~ Matt

 

[wheatbiscuit]

DAY # - 53 + 54

Physical task: Sunday, walking to and fro + Monday, deadlifting and carries

Mental task: socialising and staying in the moment 

Projects: job hunting

Miscellaneous accomplishments: 

~ me and another deadlifter finished up the last of the hand chalk 😄 

~ using a light touch for the day's tasks, except during heavy weights

~ coping with open windows in Winter

~ words of old favourite songs came to me easily

~ knowing when not to act on impulse and when to (hopefully)

 

Summary of Day #:

Sunday: 6am start but early bedtime for a social mental health event (an hour walk and talk + bbq). One of my friends called off our meet, so I went straight to my old workplace in the late afternoon and almost fit in. Walked home and slept heaps from so much interaction and stuff.

Monday: Had breakfast and packed for the gym, leaving ASAP for an ultrasound on that numb leg of mine. It's almost fine now - we'll see. Got there and did a bunch of deadlifts with some kettlebell walks thrown in. That made me feel good most of the day. Then it was a psychologist session, where I rambled and caught a good question about leisure time. Groceries. 

What I'm grateful for:

~ the way my old boss acted with me yesterday

~ post-exercise mood boosts

~ the agreeable music in the gym ("Monday night; to the club, Tuesday night; to the club") lol

~ eating basic food I shopped for back home again after being out Sunday

Over and out! 

~ Matt

Edited July 10, 2023 by wheatbiscuit

[wheatbiscuit]

Day #55

Summary:

Yesterday's gym took a lot out of me, so I did my thing (3x1 hour walks - a maximum), applied to two local pizza places (may God have mercy) and printed some paperwork at the library. I played music almost the whole time walking, to little detriment. I saw a super-adept blind lady with a cane just now march around a corner and catch a bus with seemingly no missteps! Anyway, the only downers were thoughts about my old school friend who skipped our Sunday catch-up, and making myself do some of the ^ above things.

Gratitude:

~ Enjoyed my shopping-listed groceries plus a few bits of toffee

~ Talked with my blood-related grandmother on the phone

~ I may be recognising signs of my recovery and letting stress out

~ Woke up naturally soon after dawn, so have had a nice, long day

Otherwise, there's not too much to declare!

Peace,

~ Matt

 

[Yan]

On 7/8/2023 at 11:39 AM, wheatbiscuit said:

~ waking up alive, but really ought to cut out some of my nighttime phone use for more restful sleep(?)

Sounds to me like you intented to put an exclamation mark there and not a question mark 🙂

[wheatbiscuit]

7 hours ago, Yan said:

Sounds to me like you intented to put an exclamation mark there and not a question mark 🙂

Ah, yeah. Well, my medication suppresses a lot of healthy desires as well as unhealthy sometimes. I do know better, it's just something stops me from going out or inviting someone over at night and socialising myself to sleep when I might need to - I dunno my offline 'scene' yet. It's hard for me to believe that was only 3-4 days ago! Last night I half-read a cool article before sleep and woke up alright - and to finish it. Maybe it's a different kind of brain activity. 

[wheatbiscuit]

Day #56

Gratitude (first, importantly today):

~ the sort of sweet matcha latte I tried during a fortnightly coffee meet

~ the kindness the social worker showed today at the meet

~ everything/everyone that irritated me seemed to fall short of triggering an outburst

~ regular budgeted groceries still tasted good (eg canned mackerel)😄

Summary:

I used up most of my energy in the first half of the day; cleaning up, going for coffee, walking for an hour then waiting half an hour before seeing my GP because the appointment we made wasn't recorded. I read some of an LGBTQ magazine there which was touchily written. That sort of set my mood for the rest of the day for some reason.

I ate lunch, fully intending to hit the gym but found myself 'stuck' after hanging at home for an hour. I really haven't found much decent community in my city suburb yet, so it's hard enough just walking around normally instead of boisterously charging from destination to destination, unafraid to simply apologise for making a misstep. 

Anyway, by 3pm I decided to call my step-nan to hear a nice voice and we talked ourselves up to watching a lighthearted familiar movie and gardening respectively. I saved the movie with 30 minutes to spare and went to gym, which was packed and intimidating, so I worked calves (my forte), hoping to build confidence for squats after. I'm not a hopeless young virgin anymore, so it was hard to force a power/strength movement at night in a crowded and overheated room. I tried leg press to have my knees hurt, did some leg extensions then got out of there. 

It's funny how satisfying it is to rant and not even re-read what I've typed in an angry tone. I hope it's entertaining for everyone else, at least.

Happy hump (Wednesday) day, guys

~ Matt

[wheatbiscuit]

Day #57 and #58

Summaries:

Thursday) I gymed, so there was that. Ninety minutes basically spent back-squatting (10 'working' sets with a slow warmup adding weight). I needed a day plan or something to look forward to, because I spent the rest of the afternoon fretting over life stuff and ended up going to the health centre to talk it out. >> Slept early and long - but after the first couple of hours I woke up panicky and had to buzz some police in for something in the building I must have only dimly heard. I almost hope there was a commotion, because then I could accept my sleep was otherwise natural.

Friday) Maybe trying to start the day by skipping caffeination and marching my usual circuit around the neighbouring suburb listening to Lamb of God was the wrong move 😕. I got on the phone afterwards and ended up raging, then having to very slowly make up for it. Mutual understanding was achieved, which now feels helpful as long as the discussion today is remembered and learned from. So there ended up being a 6-hour stay at home before I went out again, and made better do. Bought the first book of a series of 4, all humbly one-word-named - 'Wool' by Hugh Howey. I'll try to make mention of what I glean from it/them in the 'project' part of journal templates.

Gratitude:

~ Typing these entries is helpful and feels better than writing - I'm left-handed and my extensive writing can both cramp my hand and look messy, whereas working the keyboard with a font is like musical tapping on the desk (piano has been my childhood musical instrument, as well).

~ Seeing a few more of you guys posting (and what you posted) today was heartening.

~ Luck, I was grateful for. Anything could have happened in the last couple of days, but even the weird stuff seemed like it was supposed to happen - in my life. 

~ The library - I printed some more stuff. The trip there really wasn't magical, but I got it done.
 

There's a popular iced cream shop a few doors down from the library that smells fantastic as it wafts up the street. Some teenagers exited with some of it, singing, and I cringed big time - in a good way. I dunno why I thought of that. Youth can be great.

Stay well, GQ

~ Matt

 

 

Edited July 14, 2023 by wheatbiscuit

[wheatbiscuit]

DAY # - 59 and 60!

Sleep: Almost not worth mentioning, but woke up refreshed Saturday, and had very disturbed sleep due to partiers next door leading to Sunday morning.

Projects: Reading 'Wool' - The scene/problem is set at the 10% mark. What insights have I had so far? I've only made a few significant speeches in my life (one for college), but basically, I feel 'successful' ones bring the audience along for a ride. I used to enjoy being told to 'turn to page 'x'' (to see what the speaker is referring to), so I tried that then. Anyway, the described fate of 1 of the 2 first-introduced main characters seemed to me a kind of lesson on follow-through - the sort of thing I had down-pat before starting my first job in a team setting, having to watch others' work, my own and trying to keep conversation going. That made 'integrity' so tough that eventually I wound up in psychiatric care trying to bring everyone outside work along with me. I'm medicated now, and have been in a 'silo' since resuming gaming in 2019 instead of properly 'confronting' one of my 'disruptive' co-worker's views. I never saw them coming because he brooded for so long. lol On good days, I've been able to realise that the voice I used to have pre-employment has been gradually lost, the one that used to brag how much effort I put into my own 'work'/life. >>> To a lesson, if I don't make myself 'suffer', my life intermingling with others' will for me - like how the first of the main characters: 1) decides he's been lied to, 2) seems to discover that the 'truth' he sought was temporary/also a 'lie' and 3) it could be argued failed to really prepare for either of them, and is made out to die. I dunno, the book is still reading cryptically. 

Miscellaneous accomplishments: 

~ Washing 'one dish at a time' as per suggestion, to get through easier

~ General mindfulness

~ Hygiene out of habit

~ Wore all the socks in my drawer this week >:) 

~ Didn't spam-text anybody really (the 10% book review ^ above excluded)

 

Summary of Day #:

Saturday) It was great weather, like Summer again, and I mostly just went through the day like a happy zombie - some lifting included.

Sunday) It just finished raining heavily, but even though it's only half past 2 in the afternoon, I can only really see myself doing one more walk and doing stuff at home. 

What I am grateful for today/this weekend:

~ Getting flash-feels of happiness yesterday from 10 years ago

~ Table spread used instead of olive oil for stir-fry lol (next to buy)

~ Still being able to picture staring at the 'dead pixels' on my screen for hours whenever gaming urges flare up, and decide even inside my apartment is better

~ It occurring to me while walking that it would actually be better if I didn't have anything more personal to do with one of my gaming friends - maybe that we'd never even met on another version of it 12-13 years ago. His last few decisions did help me quit this year, though.

Peace,

~ Matt

Edited July 16, 2023 by wheatbiscuit

[wheatbiscuit]

Day #61

Today I was grateful because:

~ My dad arrived back in the country today after 5-6 weeks away. We went more or less straight to gym. I got a fair bit out of that.

~ I didn't want to come here and type as I still feel sad for some reason, but starting this entry with gratitude helped a little.

~ My tiredness from this morning went away throughout the day.

~ I didn't expect to address everything on my mind in single social encounters. Difficult for me, though.

Summary:

Woke up naturally at 7 am, a little grouchy and blocked up but enjoyed a morning walk after breakfast (going around the same blocks as usual). Passed the time at home until lunch, 30 minutes later going to the gym. Did another walk, and then got home to soon hear from inside my room what sounded like someone being kicked out of their apartment.

I think hearing her sobbing and pleading at another/the same apartment door hit me hard, and got me thinking too much about my own privileges. I waited until there was quiet/some resolution was made and then showered. It just left me feeling really bad, and I haven't stuck my nose in other people's emotional affairs for awhile, trying to be the 'hero' and all that. From another person's harshly toned words, I deduced that she might have had a drug problem and used her roommates a bit. That didn't make me feel much better about the state of the world.

Anyway, I'm still not sure if I want to be 'that guy' in person - I have been that guy on the internet many times. What I found is I felt too bad to even shower off from gym while it was going on. Is it wrong to feel so affected and yet do nothing but listen? Like quitting gaming, when do we stop being passive during real issues and start trying to heal outside of ourselves?

Happy Monday (I think)

~ Matt

 

Edited July 17, 2023 by wheatbiscuit

[wheatbiscuit]

DAY # - 62 + 63

Time I woke up: 8:00 am

Time I went to sleep yesterday:  9:00 pm *sigh*

Projects: reading 'Wool' - I'm 1/4 finished and it's still only just passing setting action in motion

Miscellaneous accomplishments: 

~ almost 3.5 consecutive hours' exercise

~ kind of 'feeling' people a bit more

~ a couple of evening showers (tough when it's cold at night)

~ drinking plenty of water

~ used this template instead

Summary of Day #: 

It kind of occurs to me that some of my moodiness comes from struggling with this last month of detoxing, and that I let 2 nights go by without journalling. I know that might turn to 3, to a week, or more like other people here, especially depending on how engaged I stay here. I don't intend to do anymore online gaming, or 'regular' games really, because of what they can bring out in me. Still, I think it's safer and more healthy not to forget how I felt because it's still partially me.

Tuesday) Kind of a travesty; a low-quality piece of entertainment for the kind of onlooker(s) I would imagine for my life. 

Wednesday) A much better start to the day - 2 hours' walking and 90 minutes upright in the gym before 2pm. Then my step-nan and I phoned for ages just to prove we still could.

What I've been grateful for:

~ No rain this week, it might have been unwelcome the last few days

~ eggs, microwaved 😄 

~ music (been discovering Arch Enemy properly and this Machine Head song 'Darkness Within')

~ YouTube (yes, actually, as without gaming videos I can exercise a lot of self control there)

Peace, 

~ Matt

Edited July 26, 2023 by wheatbiscuit

[DanielG]

4 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

~ eggs, microwaved 😄 

Madness! 😛

I feel ya on the bit of guilt around not journaling as consistently. I think I might be switching up how I do my journals to compensate for this new schedule I'm on.

Also, belated congrats on 60 days!

[wheatbiscuit]

Day #64 + #65

Summary:

Thursday) I walked around sorting some stuff out, then met an old high school classmate, which went down pretty well. We talked some difficult stuff with a bit of hopeless (is one okay word for it) laughter, and he proceeded to walk me around the neighbourhood, something that pleased me immensely because I've already covered most of it, and could just say "yeah let's go".

Friday) Since me and my step-nan decided to phone on Wednesday instead, I used the freed-up morning to go to gym for an hour of single-legged RDLs. That went well enough too - then I just hung at home for a few hours before walking to the park for a jog, however it only lasted about 20 minutes (should have tried high-intensity intervals I think). I'm not keen on going anywhere to eat or drink tonight, but I did ask my schoolmate if he might play some pool next weekend. Just a little bored - no more luck on the job front.

Gratitude:

~ it was warm enough to head out jogging in shorts and t-shirt

~ public toilets :3 

~ some Blue October songs in the morning to put heart in me for gym

~ the first real surprise in 'Wool' (currently reading), set off a threat response whilst lying in bed 😄 

___________

Been watching a bunch of Jordan Peterson videos on Youtube. I think I overdid it a little yesterday and today - my mood is up but my brain needs to relax. This is after months of devoted listening to Alan Watts, who still advocates for personal responsibility, but not so much action. I know there are other speakers/lecturers, but I forgot one of the older ones to check out next. Does anyone know any others with a style that kind of hits 'in the middle'? Heh

Peace,

~ Matt

[wheatbiscuit]

Day #66 + #67

Summary:

I'm typing now before I forget the weekend completely lol - 

Saturday) I was bored, but read a lot and was happy with how much walking and story material I covered. Had some family news, which I was staying awake for but only caught up on properly on Sunday morning. I worked the scanner in the local library. There was a point where I almost cried of frustration for not much reason. It felt like I was gaming but in our one, real world, going back and forth, talking and executing stuff without enjoying the physicality of it. Funny/sad.

Sunday) Met family in the city for brunch and browsed a tech store (dangerous? very) with them before 2 and 3 of us parted ways - the 3 including me going to the gym for what was really a fun workout (definitely for me, and it looked like one for the others too). I kind of caved past 6pm to do more reading instead of one more evening walk. Aside from a few things, Sunday was almost 'perfect' - but funnily enough again, I wouldn't want to do those same things over and over every day - or maybe I do and am simply in preparation to. 

Gratitude:

~ seeing all of your updated journals - will be catching up properly this evening

~ finding a t-shirt in-store from an old/still favourite band (The Offspring's 'Smash' album) - it was only available in small size though, and wrapped so I couldn't hold it over myself to check it out. Realising I'd actually want to advertise to everyone that I knew and liked the album was funny.

~ a berry smoothie at brunch, courtesy of Wheatbiscuit Senior

~ only having those breakdowns inside my head this weekend; if I have to accept them for the time being, at least I've largely been appreciating life for what it is for me without gaming for the last 2 months

Peace,

~ Matt

 

Edited July 24, 2023 by wheatbiscuit

[Faroe Islander]

Man I am so proud of you for making it to 2 months and managing to get to a point were you can put bad days into perspective and move on it has been a pleasure seeing your progress here is to many months to come

[wheatbiscuit]

Days #68-#70

Gratitude:

~ good weather

~ good company

~ a new small adventure (got locked outside)

~ waking up feeling alright

Monday) A regular old chest and tricep workout with dad and his roomy which I was pining for, then later picked up some leftover meals from their place. Due to the small variety of foods I buy myself, those new and exciting ones were eaten in less than a day. 

Tuesday) I spent the day at a community mental health club, then the evening with my brother watching a few TV shows. More gracious food there, so leading into the next day..

Wednesday) Had a mandatory phone call to wake up to, as well as some neighbourly noise - but found comfort ^ in planning when to use up my regular groceries. I had a morning beverage and a walk with Wheatbiscuit Senior again, before going to my brother's to check in on our dog, and walked him. Back at home, me and my nan got on the phone until it was time for dinner and a walk. I gave some Mike Oldfield@Faroe Islandermusic a listen to - his records are really worth a go every now and again (very calming).

First three-day post 🙂 

~ Matt

Edited July 26, 2023 by wheatbiscuit