Vee

I've continued to play games, and it still dominates my home life, BUT I feel like I'm approaching a slightly more balanced approach to life. For the first time in my life (mid 30s!) I am capable of feeling engaged with the world, rather than (at best) pushing myself to try things in the mild hope it will put a dent in my apathy. This has been happening slowly over the last year or so, but it feels like my ability to function (as well as feel more peace in life) has skyrocketed since I moved in April: I've gone to new events, solidified friendships, and my mental health is worlds apart from how it was a few years ago. My mood still dips, I'm still not "normal" when it comes to eating or hygiene, and I have no clue what the future brings, but right now this second I'm feeling good. I don't know if I will try quitting games again. I probably will - I recognise they mostly negatively impact my life. However, I don't think I will return to this forum if I do. It was great for the initial push in September, which was my first proper attempt to quit, but posting here has felt more like a chore this year. I'm going to stick to private journalling and talking things through with friends. Over and out!

After a 73-day streak, I played games. The first day I played for less than an hour. Then on the second day, I did nothing but play games for 18 hours straight...Yesterday was the third day, and I played for over 12 hours. I didn't want to reinstall Steam so it wasn't even good games, just mindless browser games. I've been awake for just over an hour today and already it feels like such a struggle to not play. I've felt so restless the last fortnight or so, and all of my good habits (journalling, leaving the house, waking up earlier, eating meals) have mostly fallen by the wayside. I haven't really been using TickTick (my to-do list and habit tracker app) so I can't even be sure what I've done or not done. It's really difficult to balance pushing myself vs not feeling ashamed when I don't meet my expectations. Some people talk about just setting low, achievable goals, but even then I feel like I can rebel against basic things. Sometimes I'm in the bathroom at night and I know I could brush my teeth, but I choose not to. Sometimes I get into a bit of a helpless mentality, and when my mood or energy levels seem to shift I think of it as being more like the inevitable change of the seasons, rather than something I can control, to some extent. And so despite recognising that I was deteriorating over the last two(+) weeks and taking some action, I acted like a bystander in my own life. Part of the problem is, I don't know what action I should take. Other people talk about exercise, but that is still something I mostly have to push myself to do. Over the last few months, journalling has broadly felt easy and almost natural, but for the last couple of weeks, I've struggled. Some of my entries are just dreams, others are just single lines like "Watched The Brothers Sun and napped." because I have felt too apathetic to say anything else. Perhaps the answer is to reach out to someone, my housemate maybe, and have them help me form some plan of action (go for a walk/jog with them? "Body doubling" with her tidying her room and me journalling?). I guess it just feels...silly. Historically I haven't been good at reaching out to people even when I've been suicidal. While I hope nowadays I'm capable of reaching out when I'm actively miserable, it feels hard when I'm just...bored or apathetic. It's easy to get bogged down by all my perceived failings, and while I don't have anything positive to say about the last couple of weeks, if I think more broadly about the last three months or so, I can easily see that I've been doing better than last year. My sleeping schedule is mostly better, my eating is mostly better, leaving the house feels a lot less difficult, I'm journalling most days, my jogging is still erratic but my speed and distance have improved, I have some income (although not enough to cover my outgoings at the moment), I'm reading more, and I didn't game for a whole 73 days. I think I've socialised about the same amount this quarter (I love reflecting on quarters rather than months), but I've been initiating things more this year. I'll end it there. I will try to write up a plan in my private journal for how to get back on track. Sometimes I wonder if creating some sort of emotions flow chart would help ("feel X? Consider these options") - at least it would minimise choice paralysis.

Day 58-66 The last week or so has been hard. Not for any concrete external reasons, I've just been really craving games. I spent a lot of time last week researching solo TTRPGs, hoping they could fill a void while still encouraging me to be creative and potentially screen-free. Nothing quite fit, though. I ran my best 10k yesterday (and it was only my second time running 10K without any walking segment, I think) but I feel exhausted today. I realise that exercise is the only area in which I've pushed myself slightly out of my comfort zone in the last month or so. Otherwise, I haven't tried to join any interesting local groups, or initiate any activity with friends, or develop new skills. My sleeping pattern has remained good at least.

Day 47-57 Hoorah, beat my previous best of 56 days, as of today. Assuming I don't game today, (I'm writing this in the morning). My physical energy has been great the last couple of weeks. My top three 5K runs have all been in the last fortnight - somehow my body is just gliding along whenever I run! Also, I went for a 2hr walk with a friend earlier this week. I'm particularly pleased with that because I know my friend hasn't done any exercise for a long time, and I was the pushing force to help him get moving. I'd like to get into doing some longer walks over the summer, so I might see if I can get him to tag along in the future. I've been reading every day for the last three weeks. It's hard to explain, but previously, even if I broadly wanted to read, it wouldn't click in my brain that reading is an option. I would just be so glued to my laptop screen (whether gaming or not), that I couldn't imagine doing anything else. Other good things: My sleep schedule continues to improve, I've been eating well (although not very structured), I've been planning a novel thoroughly, and I've continued to journal daily (also not very structured). On the downside, I haven't been seeking out employment, and I've been erratic with my online work, so despite being able to earn enough to offset my outgoings...I haven't. I've opted out of socialising a couple of times, despite having the energy to go out and do things. I've gone back to being terrible at brushing my teeth. Also, although I wake up at a consistent time, I haven't even attempted to have any morning routine recently. About once a week I get a weird restless energy for a day, and I end up doing barely anything. Going forward I'll try going for a long walk (2hrs+) when that happens, assuming the weather isn't too terrible. It's better than trying to force myself to do something and failing. I sometimes daydream about walking the length of the UK (Land's End to John O'Groats), and while I'm unlikely to ever actually do that, going for long walks regularly at least makes that more plausible.

Day 40 to 46 Still not gaming, and I realise there have been over 100 days in the last 12 months that I haven't gamed! I haven't felt particularly tempted to since my last update either. I went for a great jog last week, getting my best 1K without trying, and my third best 5K. I meant to jog more, but because of the heat I'd need to either wake up earlier or decide on a well-lit route for night jogging. The weather should cool down in the next week, so I can be more flexible. Self-management Routine - My sleep schedule is moving closer to what I'd like it to be. I haven't had any late nights recently, though sometimes I lie in bed for ages in the morning. Since coming back from holiday I've consistently taken multivitamins. I've also been reading every day for over a week (and signed up to the local library), although not specifically as part of an evening ritual. I've journalled every day for over a week, having had some blips earlier in the month. Eating - I've been consistently eating breakfast again, thank god. I've been better at lunch and dinner than usual, though still not managing three meals every day. I've been trying to slightly cut down on sugar, but it's hard! Leaving the house - I haven't pushed myself to do anything new or interesting, but I think I left the house most days anyway. I think it would be good if I went out in the sunshine more.

Day 25 to 39 Wow, I didn't realise how long it has been until now! I haven't played games any further, even though I have been a little tempted in the last week. I went on holiday last week (though still in the UK) with some friends. Two of them spent most of the holiday indoors playing games, which I found sad considering we were somewhere new and the weather was mostly lovely. It did tempt me a little, and I imagined excusing myself with the idea of "Oh, I could just play on his console, that's not the same thing...". I also ended up talking about games a bit - both to them and to a stranger I met while I was on a walk. I was pleased that I pushed myself to do a couple of long walks alone along the coast, rather than just stick with those friends, who tend to be even more stationary than I am. I also went on a very short walk with one of them, but she wasn't fit enough to go further. Then I spent the weekend with another friend, which was amazing. She has never gamed and when I'm with her I forget games even exist. She's one of the few people I know who are really into nature and exercise, so we went for a long walk on Saturday, then a swim and a walk on Sunday. Admittedly, I pushed myself past my energy limits, but I don't regret it. Self-management Routine - I didn't manage to keep to any routine while on holiday, and my mood the week before was low so I couldn't care enough about it. Eating - I've been eating just about enough while on holiday, although it hasn't been structured. Leaving the house - I pushed myself to leave the house every day of the holiday, and I feel really good about the amount of walking I've been doing.

That sounds incredibly difficult! It's ok to vent - it's a stressful situation, even though it's nobody's doing. Do you feel you have a good level of support from family and/or friends?

There's loads of different advice online about journaling, but I agree: the best thing is just to start, and not worry too much initially about what form it will take. It's something to experiment with, not try to get right the first time. You could even alternate between a paper-based one and a digital one, to see what feel right. Although I have a lengthy template, my most basic journal entry is just a one-line summary of what I did that day. I only do that if I'm particularly lazy, but it's still useful for later reflecting on what I've done in the last week or month. Other things on my template (that I don't use daily): dream diary, goal tracker (three goals, no more) and gratitude section. I also automatically have an "On This Day" section linking to journal entries from this day each year (I use Obsidian for journalling, but I assume other software can do this). Some days I might write a thousand words on something that is stressing me out, or I might write up the pros and cons of a big decision, but my average journal entry is just a few sentences about my day, how I felt, and what I hope for tomorrow. Apologies if I interpreted your words too literally!

I don't know if you are still trying to quit games without deleting your games, but...that sounds like trying to quit games on Impossible mode. Personally, I haven't deleted any actual accounts, but I have removed Steam and all other non-Steam games from my PC. I've also removed the games from my PS4 (although I don't really use it for gaming anyway). If I have Steam installed, I'm going to play games. It is second nature to me to roll out of bed and play PC games without even pausing to think about it. It wouldn't matter how much I try to pack my life full of other hobbies and social events, if I have games still installed I would play games: first a little, then a lot, and then be back to playing them constantly. I think it's good to not fall into the trap of watching loads of motivational stuff. What works for one person doesn't work for another, etc. I recommend keeping a private journal, so you can get to know yourself better - when you've played games for so long, it can be hard to even work out who you are outside of that, or pay attention to your physical body (at least that's true for me). A private journal is a good place not just for venting, but also for deciding on experiments you want to try, to figure out what works best for you. E.g. if you want to exercise (or exercise more), you could try switching up the time of day, or how long you exercise, or how much time you have between eating and exercising, and keep track of what makes exercise feel easier to stick to. I would suggest staying flexible, don't set long-term "rules" that you are likely to fail. Personally, I prefer to try things half-heartedly if trying my best feels implausible, but everyone is different. Being "nice" is...complicated. And vague as a concept. I think there is a balance to strike between asserting your boundaries while still being mostly friendly and open-minded, but it's hard. Especially if you have a history of people treating you like dirt or ignoring you - it can make you swing too wildly in either direction.

Day 10-24 Technically I did game on day 10 or 11, but I don't think it's productive to start my numbering from the beginning just for a blip of an hour or two. I gamed pretty much accidentally, which is the other reason I don't want to renumber it. I was sitting around with my housemate, and then she handed me an N64 controller and I found myself playing Pokemon Snap. I've barely played on the N64 in my life, so I guess somehow I didn't process it as gaming for half an hour. Consoles are certainly not the big danger area that PC games are, but Pokemon Snap is not a party game, so it still goes against my personal rules for what is allowable. It had a definite effect, too. The day after I felt quite drab and had a vague urge to play something, and then two days after that I had a massive urge to play something, anything. I lay on the sofa just staring at the consoles for literal hours, feeling too paralysed by choice to do anything else with my time. Thankfully my housemate later coaxed me out of the house, we went to a friend's house, and my brain started to normalise after that. I've had a few desires to play games since then, but nothing too strong. Admittedly a lot of my time has been spent either watching TV or staring into space, but I have also seen friends, done some planning for a novel, worked a bit on my portfolio, and done online work almost every day. The work is currently consistent enough that I could live off it, but I don't know yet if that's what I'll end up doing long term. Even if I'm spending a lot more time than I'd like staring into space, I've still done a lot more than I would have if I was still playing games. Self-management Routine - I was doing pretty well with my morning routine up until this last week or so. My lack of morning routine is at least partly due to having run out of my usual breakfast cereal. Still, I've managed to at least do a tiny bit of journalling each morning, and I've done at least two hours of online work almost every day. Otherwise...very little routine. Eating - Almost all my food has been from using Too Good to Go, which has been fun and gotten me out of the house. In case people don't know about it - you can get food from cafes and supermarkets that is about to expire for super cheap, but it is a mystery bag, so you don't know what you're going to get. I've tried out various places now, so I know which ones to avoid and which ones are amazingly good value. I haven't necessarily been eating three meals a day, or eating quite enough every day, but there have been no days when I've been unreasonably hungry, and I would estimate I haven't been under 1000 calories for over two weeks. I'm certainly not where I want to be, but I'm not too concerned. Leaving the house - I've been pretty amazing at this - after moving in I left the house 16 days in row! That's definitely the longest streak since 2020, possibly the longest streak in... a decade? Most of the time I've been out for mundane reasons (picking up food), but I have done a bit of exploring. I've only been for three jogs in the last three weeks, but I went to a board game meetup, went round a friend's house several times, and went to the park with a new-ish friend and her child. We also had a housewarming with loads of people, many of whom I didn't know, and I coped really well.

I relate to a lot of that. The course I'm on has an employability module, and there's a lot of "be yourself!" alongside "Do X, Y and Z otherwise you're putting yourself at a disadvantage". I hate all the bollocks involved in getting a job, which is why I've dragged my feet over updating my CV and applying for jobs. I've been single for ten years as well, and haven't touched a dating app in seven years(?). I don't think you are penalised for authenticity in the same way there, but I can't feel authentic on a dating profile when I know I'm being selective about what I do and don't mention. That's true in real-life interactions too, but it doesn't feel so...manipulative.

Day 5-9 of no gaming Felt on edge until we got the internet on Thursday, but I feel more relaxed now, although still a little adrift. We don't have a sofa or microwave or various other furniture stuff yet, as we want to get as much as possible second-hand. I haven't looked into various activity groups yet, I'll do that next week. I've been relatively busy this week, so I haven't even thought of games much! Self management Routine - Until Friday I did at least one thing towards my ideal routine, then yesterday I stuck to my ideal morning routine, and I read before going to bed as well. I've also journaled every day this week. Having my TickTick up on one screen permanently definitely helps. Eating - I have put no effort into this... When I have eaten, it's mostly been because other people have prompted me or made food for me. From tomorrow I'm going to start using the Too Good to Go app, which will both help me get out of the house and also try a variety of food relatively cheaply. I'll also buy a rice cooker tomorrow or Monday. Leaving the house - Today has been the first day since I moved that I haven't been out! It would be nice if I had gone for a little walk, and I still might. I jogged on Friday. I also pushed myself on Wednesday to go to London to see someone I hadn't seen in years, even though I was a little sluggish. I've wandered out for other bits and pieces too. The new location is so convenient, I've never lived so centrally in a town.

Congrats, that's amazing!

Day 2-4 of no gaming Moved house! Everything went smoothly, and I'm incredibly grateful for all the help we had. I felt quite emotional at the kindness shown by loads of people, and then had an odd bout of negative feelings, which I spent a while journalling about. It's frustrating that even though I'm broadly more balanced and functional than I was in my twenties, I feel like I have more hangups from childhood than I used to. Had a busy weekend, even excluding the move, as we also had friends from the other side of the country coming over to our new town (although staying with someone else), so we met up on all three days. My energy levels were surprisingly ok, although I couldn't quite keep up with others. I have been craving games a little in the morning and at night, but it's not an overwhelming desire. My housemate told me about an LGBTQ bookclub in the new town, and a nearby town, so I'll look into those later in the week and hopefully meet some new local people there. Self management Routine - Simply hasn't been possible this weekend, BUT I woke up before 8am today alongside my housemate, and I journaled while she did yoga. I hope to keep it up, and once the flat is more sorted I'll try to form a fuller waking routine. Eating - Neither great nor terrible. I think I've missed a couple of meals over the weekend, and not eaten enough when I have had a meal, but because it's been the moving weekend, it's just been a bit too awkward to eat sometimes, and we don't have much food stocked yet. Leaving the house - It would be hard to move house without leaving the house 😄 So far I've left the house every day since I stopped gaming, but that's more been by necessity rather than choice. I was pleased I went for a little wander today to buy a couple of tools and look at furniture, when I could have just put it off until another day.

I would prefer to meet people at social things, but as a lesbian it's harder (though not impossible) to meet other gay/bi women organically. Once I've moved, I'll be closer to a town that has more LGBTQ events and groups, so I'll look into those. Day 1 of no gaming I didn't game yesterday, hoorah! I also didn't follow my goals listed above, nor did I try. My focus was on packing, and now I feel secure that I'm ready for moving tomorrow. I'm quite stressed at how little packing my housemate has done, so I'll probably help her tonight. I will leave the house today to pick up the keys, and I should manage to eat breakfast and dinner at least. I won't put much effort into forming a routine for the next few days, but come this time next week I want to align myself with that goal.