Matt's Journal

[wheatbiscuit]

On 5/20/2024 at 3:33 PM, Ikar said:

Unless something is wrong, I think an 18-year old adult is normally able to get by on their own in a society, either by working or studying at the university. Yes, many parents support their kids by paying (a part of) their rent or send them an X amount every month, but I don't think the support is normally too critical.

There are some exceptions of course (handicapped kids or severely ill parents), but I'd say that unless you yourself want to be a "people manager" for your dad and "weaker individuals celebrator" for your mom, you shouldn't do that, simply because wasn't/isn't your choice. Their health will naturally get worse over time and if at (your) 40 the situation will be the same, you will be the number 1 person to take care of their checkups, shopping etc. I'm not writing this as a bad thing, but you must count with that as a realistic future outcome, and consider, if it's something you want to happen and then commit to.

(May 21)

I border on explaining that both of those exceptions are the case, a large number of days - I think I already have online here, in a way. Thanks for giving me something to think about though. It's only been 1.33 months' abstinence this time, after all. As I've also said, most people in my life seem to want to forget everything that's happened and move forward forcefully. I feel and think I've already given that approach my best, even if continuing in that way would ensure (to spin a phrase) 'healthy aging of my consciousness' - or put really simply, an afterlife.

Today, at the employment agency, I'm pretty sure 1 of 2 people that saw me today (for a change) said that there should be something that excites me enough to wake up naturally early - other than clicking on images for points. It's sort of like I said; I've been sleeping to dream and waking to earn sleep for the past few weeks, without the desire to directly impose my will on the living - without wanting to watch their own vision and personal power shrink in their eyes. I could never do that unless I knew doubtlessly that someone was doing another wrong - I would blame autism for this (the assessed-for first level I've got) if it weren't so popular already to do so; that wouldn't fill any important gaps in anyone else's life unless there was some need for a personal put-down. Back to the point, I've been a part of forcing enough already, I think.

Gratitude ~ Today, I petted the employment agent's dog, with enthusiastic consent. ❤️‍🩹

Peace,

~ Matt

[wheatbiscuit]

May 22

Summary:

I came really close in the last half-hour to signing in to 'the' game, at the same time as feeling badly with a sad song playing. That could have had awful results, but the mindfulness of the last month and a bit kicked in, and I closed the window, and I let the song finish, also reading its lyrics.

Today, and this morning, I have no solid excuse not to get some weights training out of the way, - just finishing a cup of tea and getting this off of my chest - but the hardest part is the warm-up walk either in the gym or outside. I really concentrate on getting prepared for the session, so much that I often start thinking of other people (who I'm really, in the end, trying to elevate my mood for) as harmful distractions. I wish I could think of thoughtful things to say in conversation (now I think about that, not many people do successfully anymore) while fixing my posture and keeping on moving, but the confidence from a new work role is probably necessary to even try - otherwise I'd just end up challenging people from a very insecure place.

Anyway, my brother messaged me last night (without punctuation) 'how goes it' + 'why so quiet', which I saw this morning, and I can't think of any good answers that would lead anywhere positive. I don't want to go into all of the old dynamics between us and our parents/authority figures, but I can recognise when I'd just be getting myself into a poor situation. As I said to a friend somewhat recently, unless there's an epiphany, similar to what I went through, in the minds of my family members, there isn't going to be the shared healing I would need to fully open up again - and not make our world a worse place.

To add to basic mental efforts, I watched two online interviews with two very different interviewees yesterday, but they at least seemed to share a goal of not doing people direct harm - something that does still occasionally result from telling someone they're 'not good enough', mentioning that just in case. I think that's all for now.

Gratitude:

~ almost hearing my brain politely refuse to type in my details on the game or to endure a potentially long, sorrowful (and pointless) session

~ 'the golden rule' still seems to be at play

~ changing (weekly) my bedsheets to the warm material

~ the simple chilling in Discord with members of the social group on Monday, I forgot to mention

Good luck everybody,

~ Matt

[wheatbiscuit]

May 22.5 (Yes, really.)

I remember 3 distinct moments last year when I realised I was gaming too much: 1) My friend engaging (or joking about engaging) my character in combat for laughs/a 'kick', making me wonder if he cared at all, 2) Being outside, ploughing through an uphill walk in between gaming sessions, and perceiving intimidating eye-contact from someone in the opposite direction (keyword 'perceiving' - and by the way, I still feel this today), and 3) Overreaction to unannounced touching, which was when my dad's partner put his hand on my shoulder in the gym, on a very early morning I'd woken up gaming on.

The rest is history: all of these journal posts, - most of which are pretty harmless - the discovery of GQ through a regular, curious google search, and 2 relapses, Oct-Dec 2023 + Jan-Apr 2024. I don't want a 3rd. I'm still superstitious about 2 instances turning into 3 making something into a serious 'trend'. My weird marketing lecturer/tutor added in one of his many offhand remarks that 'good things come in 3s' - or significant things, perhaps. 

I didn't do anything special this last night/this morning except make 2 meals before going outside, instead of 1. I simply couldn't make the planned workout seem serious enough in my mind to rush out the door right after I'd finished eating a bowl of oatmeal. I've done it so many times - almost skipping on my way straight to the gym, or taking a warm-up walk around the park for 40 minutes prior. It didn't help that it was the heavy dumbbell/kettlebell walks (too much walking before even lifting!) that primed me for some decent overhead press last time, which I thought I could capitalise on. 

I'm trying to be a good citizen in the meantime while looking for work again, and I know I'll be able to rise to the occasion if I keep investing in time away from gaming when whoever takes a liking to me. That's just the thing though; people I've met seem afraid of me and so don't take notice of all the signs that (I think) are right there to see. My ego says it's because people aren't facing certain concepts that I am. And so, if I want to make the effort to fit in (again?), should I just ignore the things that my consciousness has become 'aware' of, like the signs that people on the street just don't care about each other (or me)?

Do I really want to use porn/game, plough up that same street/hill and then cry over the top of my earphone music without inhibition to that 'special' stranger, "HEY, WTF IS UP, HOMIE!?! 😄 😄 😄 😄", either demeaning social interaction and leaving the person nonplussed/scared, or worse, receive an aggressive/violent reaction and then ask "Ahh come on, what's your problem?" and have it all descend from there? In the world I want, people just aren't interested in hurting or intimidating others. Without my inhibitions, people treat me like or even tell me that I am a blight, but that treatment seems to be creeping in anyway. I've been incredibly lucky in that at my worst moments, it seems that most people are dimly sensing the build-up and 'tone it down' subconsciously, before I become truly prepared to lose my cool. 

It isn't just my ego that tells me I've 'tried everything' and must therefore be 'miles ahead' of most people, and so should just play around on games while I wait, which is also a sad thing. The mate I played chess with 11 days ago is aware of all sorts of things and what not to do, but some of the only wariness he's vocalised has been about 'not oversharing'. I told him that today I, unlike him (after sympathising with his 'jelly legs' sensation) did not workout this morning because I didn't have enough faith, and have yet to read back. The person I explained all of my mistrust to has vaguely told me he's looking forward to our next scheduled contact sport, forgetting the reaction I said I had to him muscling into me at basketball. I don't want my friendships to begin (and end) with rage. Feign interest skilfully, at least, is what I ask. I promise, I'm doing the same, and usually without the feigning part.

That's all again for now.

~ Matt

 

Edited May 22 by wheatbiscuit
grammar

[wheatbiscuit]

May 22.8

I played and petted some. If everyone else is down, I'll happily forget that today ever happened. I've already received my comeuppance. Over and out.

~ Matt

[wheatbiscuit]

May 23-24

ICYMI(first time saying that), I had a bit of a moment 2 nights ago and fooled around online, gaming etc. I want to apologise, because what I said to myself was 'screw this, nobody's really supporting me on here'. Not only that, but someone from a social club I've been with (who is a great person) took a physical fall yesterday and I heard it was pretty grisly.

If we are all really connected, perhaps my actions over here on my computer (even though it was basically gratification-only) played a part in some kind of chain of events that led to it. In my view, she didn't deserve the injury just as I didn't deserve to mindlessly entertain myself the way I did. I've been mindful of so much, and suddenly when half of my world felt like it was caving, and I threw away the rest for a time, someone else's day took a miserable turn. I am not defeatist by saying, 'that's just life' all of the time, and although I might somewhat recognise the insanity in blaming her event on myself, still.. and my 'heal up soon' was added to the card we're sending her.

_________________

The night before last, I slept over 12 depressing hours - but then went for a 6-7 mile (10-11km) jog right after eating. Then today, I visited the social club. Today was coloured by the news of the lady's accident and the hyper-aroused state I was in from indulging online. Semi-relatedly, I've been realising more the importance of honesty and innocence and its preservation in younger people. If you see them dwindling, don't hesitate to try and replenish! ❤️ 

________________

Gratitude:
~ feeling good enough about the day to hit the gym after the social club locked up for the weekend

~ spilling water down my front 2-3 times from my overlarge drink bottle and not worrying

~ waking up gradually from before my 6am alarm went off (I wanted to get to the clubhouse right on opening)

~ even though I didn't sense it properly at the time, I think now that several of the other members were pretty forgiving of me today - I do have a task of sorts from one staff member to make next visit better: suggest/bring stuff for the end of month picnic, and try to bring a friend, so I'm writing that down 😉 

Best wishes for the weekend,

~ Matt

[Yan]

17 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

May 23-24

ICYMI(first time saying that), I had a bit of a moment 2 nights ago and fooled around online, gaming etc. I want to apologise, because what I said to myself was 'screw this, nobody's really supporting me on here'. Not only that, but someone from a social club I've been with (who is a great person) took a physical fall yesterday and I heard it was pretty grisly.

If we are all really connected, perhaps my actions over here on my computer (even though it was basically gratification-only) played a part in some kind of chain of events that led to it. In my view, she didn't deserve the injury just as I didn't deserve to mindlessly entertain myself the way I did. I've been mindful of so much, and suddenly when half of my world felt like it was caving, and I threw away the rest for a time, someone else's day took a miserable turn. I am not defeatist by saying, 'that's just life' all of the time, and although I might somewhat recognise the insanity in blaming her event on myself, still.. and my 'heal up soon' was added to the card we're sending her.

_________________

The night before last, I slept over 12 depressing hours - but then went for a 6-7 mile (10-11km) jog right after eating. Then today, I visited the social club. Today was coloured by the news of the lady's accident and the hyper-aroused state I was in from indulging online. Semi-relatedly, I've been realising more the importance of honesty and innocence and its preservation in younger people. If you see them dwindling, don't hesitate to try and replenish! ❤️ 

________________

Gratitude:
~ feeling good enough about the day to hit the gym after the social club locked up for the weekend

~ spilling water down my front 2-3 times from my overlarge drink bottle and not worrying

~ waking up gradually from before my 6am alarm went off (I wanted to get to the clubhouse right on opening)

~ even though I didn't sense it properly at the time, I think now that several of the other members were pretty forgiving of me today - I do have a task of sorts from one staff member to make next visit better: suggest/bring stuff for the end of month picnic, and try to bring a friend, so I'm writing that down 😉 

Best wishes for the weekend,

~ Matt

Matt if you've crossed the line and gamed your thought patterns possibly need revising, you were probably thinking of it for a long time and you start justifying it, I am raising a red flag for you, just as I did for myself.

Remember the 4 major human needs that you need fulfilled, think how they're not met and change something in your routine. 
-Temporary escape
-Constant measurable progress
-Challenges
-Social Connection

Here's Cam's article on the subject the 4 needs are under "I Quit Once Again".
https://gamequitters.com/cam/
I don't remember the other parts, but this part stands out to me.

Also try placing another big goal that will occupy your thoughts. And focus on it instead of the video games. It will be hard at first but as you go, you'll forget about videogames altogether at times 🙂

Edited May 25 by Yan
inserted the link which i forgot

[wheatbiscuit]

23 hours ago, Yan said:

Remember the 4 major human needs that you need fulfilled, think how they're not met and change something in your routine. 
-Temporary escape
-Constant measurable progress
-Challenges
-Social Connection

Also try placing another big goal that will occupy your thoughts. And focus on it instead of the video games. It will be hard at first but as you go, you'll forget about videogames altogether at times 🙂

May 25-26

Last Wednesday's miniature relapse (I compare that to actually setting long-term goals on the game and waking up early, excited to continue them, which I haven't been doing - because in variety, that feels like a kind of hell, aside from the dopamine or whatever) would have been closest to 1) Temporary escape (from feeling alone) and 2) Challenges (I almost had 'fun' clicking against the game itself - not other players - and almost failed/lost). Measurable progress and social connection were pretty much not factors. I did consider all 4 before playing, because the alternative was going outside in a raw state and saying and doing things that I would have regretted later. If I had to add a #5, it would be 'security' - not comfort, because I was actually quite uncomfortable for the 2 hours I did spend online.

Yes, my 'big goal', you could say has been a broader one of belonging - or 'community feeling' (as brought up in 'Courage to be Disliked'), that is, feeling that it's 'OK' to be somewhere. The effort put in for me is basically only listening/reading and considering, and offering support generally. You could also say that it's not enough, but after my co-worker and trainer left at my old job, I sort of realise that most of the work I did thereafter was for me and the general public, not my workmates. I was not as easily satisfied by most of their behaviour.

Offline, I've been doing pretty well. I forgive and try to forget - especially about gaming, as I haven't even 'voted' for the private server I signed onto on Wednesday. If more of the players were in my position, I might have even stayed with them just to chat, but not to play. As it happened, I just shifted some gold around and tried a simple, solo 'boss fight'. When people have asked me in-person about the game, I try not to enjoy knowing anything at all about it, though I still try to answer truthfully.

There may or may not be another community I can find like this one (god forbid the 'front page(s) of the internet), so you'll have my best until whenever. This has been a deep journey for a year now, and now that @BooksandTrees has said it, I find it hard to imagine the next, say, 5 years - not like counting primary and high school grades. My game has already had my best, and I recognise that.

________________

Gratitude:

~ not being plagued by nightmares because of my mood before sleep

~ oatmeal

~ a free hooded jumper from Christmas now being put to use

~ Harry Potter (I was desperate for secure reading again as well)

Over and out,

~ Matt

 

[Ikar]

3 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

There may or may not be another community I can find like this one (god forbid the 'front page(s) of the internet), so you'll have my best until whenever. This has been a deep journey for a year now, and now that @BooksandTrees has said it, I find it hard to imagine the next, say, 5 years - not like counting primary and high school grades. My game has already had my best, and I recognise that.

5 years is a long time, but it's very likely that those 5 years will eventually pass, so we might as well do something meaningful. Even after all these years, I find that many things are still the same. So while starting my journal to counter gaming was the primary motivation for it back then (and the result of internal turmoil of the months and years before that), today I mostly journal to keep track of myself through time and to organize myself better.

[wheatbiscuit]

~ About a Dog ~

Our first family dog lived to just over 10 years - we finally had an appropriately-sized backyard for him, long-term. Once I'd finished school, my weekend job, in addition to his or our daily walks, was picking up after him and his friend-and-other-family-dog, a very small dog by comparison.

He was almost completely mild-mannered, save for some other dogs' attempts at dominance, my own intense hugs and backyard plays, and whining at the top of the stairs, behind a barrier, as we ate dinner. It was his personality that all but crushed my previous fear of most dogs.

Sometime in his last year, he developed what I'm simply going to call stomach problems. Our walks continued, but his pace got slower and slower, albeit determined, and me and our family would more often than not find him curled up in the laundry room shower in retreat, probably due to discomfort and a want to escape it. So in the end, soon after I'd settled in to my first job, a service was arranged to put him down.

Inspired by the spirit of movies like '300', I had wished our dog a 'warrior's' passing - to be on his feet until the end, I guess. Because of the relative obviousness of his suffering, this was opposed, and I personally hadn't the resources to argue.

So eventually, we all wound up crouched around him teary-eyed while the two people from the service did their work, and transported him away. We kept his ashes for the rest of our stay there, but I can't remember if we ever scattered them together. The owner of our dog's smaller 'brother' once said, 'there is no rule for grieving'.

______________

We are seeing our second similarly-bred dog into his almost-as-late years at the moment, but aside from slightly less bounce, which I may even be imagining, he seems to be doing okay. I saw him a few suburbs over last weekend (I haven't the yard space for him) when it dawned on me I'd been spending too much time typing here about myself in order to get through the week. He has turned out to be a very worthy replacement, but I know I'll never forget the warrior that was our first family dog. He had that look that convinced us, even as his practical masters, that he knew what was what. RIP

See you next time,

~ Matt

[wheatbiscuit]

May 26 - June 6

I pass right by a shelter for the homeless about twice a day as I go out for appointments/exercise. Gaming or not-gaming, my non-judgmental regard, slowed pace and hesitant smiles have gotten me next to nowhere in terms of positive responses from the people benefiting from the service. In order to find community feeling, do I have to spend time under the same circumstances - or merely volunteer as much time as I can for people who live in them? 

I think part of what kept me gaming as a teen and pre-teen was quite similar - the people who were more invested in my game were not happy, and were - quite possibly - no longer putting effort into living 'good' lives. I think that I impressed many people with how I acted online, not knowing myself how much of my own opportunity I was wasting. Of course, as soon as I tear my eyes away from the screen or a book, I realise at many times each day that the more-physical act of living (by majority standards) is different.

Also nearby, a new cafe and bakery has opened. The owner/manager seems to have a strong enough philosophy, but rarely shows signs of happiness. I don't know if he is a 'family man'. Wheatbiscuit Senior has since confessed that he 'made a mistake' (in deciding to become one). I rarely embellish or make this stuff up here. Just to be clear, if I truly wanted pity, I would be far less civil - as I am told to be. But this is to further explain why I type at length, and am not satisfied with sharing 'the basic facts' quickly and succinctly. 

What I think I recognise is that there's a very slim chance of avoiding having all of my prejudices/biases/attitudes/judgments worked out of me, in order to become a more well-contributing member of society. I might slow that process down by keeping my own choice of music in my ears, hiding away online/in fiction novels or oversleeping, but all I get out of that is a kind of patience for absolutely everything - certainly not any other kind of strength. I think anyone who has lived by any significant values reaches a point of intolerance. So that's what I'm trying to work with.

I won't trouble you all this time with specific withdrawal symptoms or even how I felt about them. I guess I want everyone to know that I am gradually trying different methods/tips/tricks on my own and not expecting different results from doing exactly the same things. That said, there are only so many things aside from group-problem-solving that yield significantly changing results. IMO, your moves!

________________

Today, I am grateful for:

~ favourite fruits

~ not waking up dead (another personal favourite outcome)

~ a shallow-press medication pack

~ balance

 - I was going to 'sound out' opinions on whether everyone is convinced of the sincerity of my gratitude section -  because if I were my own best friend, I would make talking points of any lack detected there.

Peace. Over and out!

 

 

[Ikar]

4 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

I think part of what kept me gaming as a teen and pre-teen was quite similar - the people who were more invested in my game were not happy, and were - quite possibly - no longer putting effort into living 'good' lives. I think that I impressed many people with how I acted online, not knowing myself how much of my own opportunity I was wasting. Of course, as soon as I tear my eyes away from the screen or a book, I realise at many times each day that the more-physical act of living (by majority standards) is different.

This is a tough point to make. One could very well blame his family for "letting" him become and addict when they didn't detect (or ignored) the fact when as a kid they were falling into the spiral of addiction. On the other hand, everything may have turned out swimmingly if it was not gaming but, for example, engineering. Then the innate energy and effort of the kid would be directed well. I wish my family spent more time with/on me when I was a kid.

4 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

What I think I recognise is that there's a very slim chance of avoiding having all of my prejudices/biases/attitudes/judgments worked out of me, in order to become a more well-contributing member of society. I might slow that process down by keeping my own choice of music in my ears, hiding away online/in fiction novels or oversleeping, but all I get out of that is a kind of patience for absolutely everything - certainly not any other kind of strength. I think anyone who has lived by any significant values reaches a point of intolerance. So that's what I'm trying to work with.

It depends on the person, but I think it's normal to have a job. Frankly, I always thought of unemployment benefits as allowance for a holiday (though I don't know if you actually receive it) 😄

4 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

 - I was going to 'sound out' opinions on whether everyone is convinced of the sincerity of my gratitude section -  because if I were my own best friend, I would make talking points of any lack detected there.

That "not waking up dead" gave me a chuckle, it sounded relatable for whatever reason, but the list should obviously be fluid. I don't compare it day-to-day, but I'd find it to be suspicious if it stayed more or less the same.

[wheatbiscuit]

June 7-12

Singing along to CD and mp3 music early on in my life in the family car, then at school, then at the computer as I often played around - either on an actual game or browsing randomly - has always been something I enjoyed. Then finally at 19, after a year of kitchen work, I began to feel prompted to sing again, when there was enough rhythm in our hands making pizzas. 

This weekend, it looks like I'll have the opportunity to sing some more, in company. I intend to warn everyone that it is advanced singing and I might run out of breath, but it's worth a shot for the hassle-free fun of it. Maybe if enough people get into it, our social group might respond even better to karaoke events. Because I played music for almost all of my time gaming, and I've burned my ears (and eyes!) with so much intense emotional expression, it takes a fair bit to genuinely move me. That is one of my truer regrets - not having spread out all that emotion across a majority of my life to carry me through what has recently felt dull. Still, the battle (to maintain and improve mine/others' human experience) goes on.

Gratitude:

~ the sense of having daily options, so as not to have to demand so much - seeing others take additional pains for me makes me feel bad

~ the social event afternoon at the beach last weekend, where dehydration actually got to me, but was survived - then the ferry trip home in company

~ seeing here that on the recent change in seasons perhaps, I haven't been alone in struggling

~ 2.5 weeks and the original Harry Potter book series is almost down; I'll be ready for something new again soon

I'm sorry about everyone's blues. Seriously, try some of Switchfoot's music! 😮 

~ Matt

Edited June 12 by wheatbiscuit

[Yan]

21 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

June 7-12

Singing along to CD and mp3 music early on in my life in the family car, then at school, then at the computer as I often played around - either on an actual game or browsing randomly - has always been something I enjoyed. Then finally at 19, after a year of kitchen work, I began to feel prompted to sing again, when there was enough rhythm in our hands making pizzas. 

This weekend, it looks like I'll have the opportunity to sing some more, in company. I intend to warn everyone that it is advanced singing and I might run out of breath, but it's worth a shot for the hassle-free fun of it. Maybe if enough people get into it, our social group might respond even better to karaoke events. Because I played music for almost all of my time gaming, and I've burned my ears (and eyes!) with so much intense emotional expression, it takes a fair bit to genuinely move me. That is one of my truer regrets - not having spread out all that emotion across a majority of my life to carry me through what has recently felt dull. Still, the battle (to maintain and improve mine/others' human experience) goes on.

Gratitude:

~ the sense of having daily options, so as not to have to demand so much - seeing others take additional pains for me makes me feel bad

~ the social event afternoon at the beach last weekend, where dehydration actually got to me, but was survived - then the ferry trip home in company

~ seeing here that on the recent change in seasons perhaps, I haven't been alone in struggling

~ 2.5 weeks and the original Harry Potter book series is almost down; I'll be ready for something new again soon

I'm sorry about everyone's blues. Seriously, try some of Switchfoot's music! 😮 

~ Matt

A bookworm you are. Haven't seen you here in a while, perhaps we may see you more often? 🙂

Edited June 13 by Yan
correcting a typo

[wheatbiscuit]

June 13 - Day #0

I want to start sharing how I'm beating back games and erotic material once again, with a day-count, that either increases or resets back to 0 with an honest explanation of why and/or how.

Yesterday was something like a day from hell, but one that I said here was foreseeable if I made explicit gaming goals. I didn't even play yesterday, but it was on my mind like before - trying to arrange important duties around 'golden hours' I might spend online playing.

This morning though, I had the choice to complete the 2-minute weekly gaming task which I was notified of, instead of starting a 1 hour+ session. It was a good attempt, and I signed out immediately, extremely grateful that those 2 minutes satisfied me. If I still had a child's faith, I would have called that 'holy intervention' or something. So what ended up being today's 2-minute resignation was the thought that 'I don't want to be anywhere but at my desk messing around online.' I should have come straight here, but I was afraid of shame. Bring on the next 'clean' day.

________________

This morning, I finished reading Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows. It's easily the darkest and most 'grown up' of the series, due to the themes of death, survival and stuff. I realised that when I read the part where Harry marches voluntarily to what he thought was his death and felt scared within myself, that I'm in a problem space once more. I didn't have my 'objective self' or whatever seemingly available telling me strongly enough that it was 'just a story' and 'we'll be at the gym soon'. I didn't quite believe that the way I did and was excited to do during my detox last year.

Going back to mindfully choosing daily activities, and not hanging on for my next dopamine hit, - which even if I'm sick of the actual phrase, I'm definitely coming to believe in - if not always leaning into discomfort/pain as I did as a teen/virgin, could work again. I miss thoughtfully picking up a textbook out of mild boredom, being awoken by a productive thought and jumping out of bed or doing some cleaning, like I did for April-May last month. 

_______________

There are some accompanying problem definitions surrounding giving up these 2 things.

1) Gaming

- Should it include any kind of competition? I think of even simply overtaking people on the footpath, and how both either increasing my pace or trying to make the situation social/'fun' by saying something like 'big unit, coming through!' Should it include racing against time, and thereby perhaps accidentally mismanaging people to reach goals - which invites banter and other things I mightn't be able to deal with? Should it include anything recreational that has guidelines or rules, with the consequence of being excluded for not following them? Or will I just simply know in my gut when I am escaping from a situation that could provide valuable learning to me and by extension, the community? 'Leaning into pain/discomfort' is perhaps relevant here. I don't know, because eventually we all have to sit and eat/drink/talk. How much should I be racing against the clock versus letting my conscience guide the way?

2) Erotic material

- Look, I'll say it - just like after accomplishing a lot of work and eating/drinking/talking afterwards for however long, I think almost everyone needs 'release' in the spirit of amorousness or desire. Otherwise some, like me, become really snappy or moody. I don't think I've ever mentioned, but I'm almost 2 metres tall, and since I stopped growing, my bodyweight has never gone below 200 lbs. At least one guy asked me at school in awe, - because all the dopamine hits I was seeking in my spare time made me mostly very calm - 'dude, how much do you masturbate?' One of my friends and best tethers to the social vibe of the playground and classroom kept pestering me to wear jeans and jackets to be 'the jock'. For however many reasons, I wasn't comfortable with that.

Anyway, since puberty, even though I didn't know the word 'Freudian', I was one of probably several young males at least that started to see sex in almost everything. I was very immature, and probably didn't have the ability to provide that safe space - that so many women say is their overarching need - until later, after graduating. -> My question is though, where do erotics end and plain, healthy expressions of love begin? Should we even encourage old-school magazines or literature?

Whenever I am having a decent time socialising, I either notice or imagine girls' swaying interests from their initial male company to my own. I feel bad about this, because however desperately I want to be myself and not need the internet so much, I realise that not much will ever reign supreme over the progress of my first intimate relationship. She did end up calling me a narcissist, a word I had never really heard before, but even after all the reflection I've done, I remember the 'good times' too occasionally, as she told me later. I am far too afraid of having the same experience, which I've been telling myself is for the better. I want for other people the same fulfilment that I felt for that now relatively short period of my life, before I give myself permission to keep trying for another relationship with a longer lifespan. -> Should I continue just listening to my gut, and relying on journalling for accountability? 

_________________

That's 'all' for this post. It is long, but dopamine hits aside, I'm always looking forward to the next stretch of real productivity, which I hope can last longer than this year's attempts so far. 

Maybe I don't deserve peace as much as I think I do deserve a violence/aggression-free routine, but I hope you guys and as many other people get it as some far-off result of what discipline I can achieve. I'll try to remember that. Peace,

~ Matt

[Ikar]

6 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

Anyway, since puberty, even though I didn't know the word 'Freudian', I was one of probably several young males at least that started to see sex in almost everything. I was very immature, and probably didn't have the ability to provide that safe space - that so many women say is their overarching need - until later, after graduating. -> My question is though, where do erotics end and plain, healthy expressions of love begin? Should we even encourage old-school magazines or literature?

I don't know myself, but I think every relationship is different in this aspect. If the dynamic is set correctly and both parties agree, then there's not much to disprove. To expand on your safe space idea: my girlfriend can be angry and happy (at the same time!) about the qualities that I have to make her safe space "happen". It really depends on the context.

[Yan]

21 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

June 13 - Day #0

I want to start sharing how I'm beating back games and erotic material once again, with a day-count, that either increases or resets back to 0 with an honest explanation of why and/or how.

Yesterday was something like a day from hell, but one that I said here was foreseeable if I made explicit gaming goals. I didn't even play yesterday, but it was on my mind like before - trying to arrange important duties around 'golden hours' I might spend online playing.

This morning though, I had the choice to complete the 2-minute weekly gaming task which I was notified of, instead of starting a 1 hour+ session. It was a good attempt, and I signed out immediately, extremely grateful that those 2 minutes satisfied me. If I still had a child's faith, I would have called that 'holy intervention' or something. So what ended up being today's 2-minute resignation was the thought that 'I don't want to be anywhere but at my desk messing around online.' I should have come straight here, but I was afraid of shame. Bring on the next 'clean' day.

________________

This morning, I finished reading Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows. It's easily the darkest and most 'grown up' of the series, due to the themes of death, survival and stuff. I realised that when I read the part where Harry marches voluntarily to what he thought was his death and felt scared within myself, that I'm in a problem space once more. I didn't have my 'objective self' or whatever seemingly available telling me strongly enough that it was 'just a story' and 'we'll be at the gym soon'. I didn't quite believe that the way I did and was excited to do during my detox last year.

Going back to mindfully choosing daily activities, and not hanging on for my next dopamine hit, - which even if I'm sick of the actual phrase, I'm definitely coming to believe in - if not always leaning into discomfort/pain as I did as a teen/virgin, could work again. I miss thoughtfully picking up a textbook out of mild boredom, being awoken by a productive thought and jumping out of bed or doing some cleaning, like I did for April-May last month. 

_______________

There are some accompanying problem definitions surrounding giving up these 2 things.

1) Gaming

- Should it include any kind of competition? I think of even simply overtaking people on the footpath, and how both either increasing my pace or trying to make the situation social/'fun' by saying something like 'big unit, coming through!' Should it include racing against time, and thereby perhaps accidentally mismanaging people to reach goals - which invites banter and other things I mightn't be able to deal with? Should it include anything recreational that has guidelines or rules, with the consequence of being excluded for not following them? Or will I just simply know in my gut when I am escaping from a situation that could provide valuable learning to me and by extension, the community? 'Leaning into pain/discomfort' is perhaps relevant here. I don't know, because eventually we all have to sit and eat/drink/talk. How much should I be racing against the clock versus letting my conscience guide the way?

2) Erotic material

- Look, I'll say it - just like after accomplishing a lot of work and eating/drinking/talking afterwards for however long, I think almost everyone needs 'release' in the spirit of amorousness or desire. Otherwise some, like me, become really snappy or moody. I don't think I've ever mentioned, but I'm almost 2 metres tall, and since I stopped growing, my bodyweight has never gone below 200 lbs. At least one guy asked me at school in awe, - because all the dopamine hits I was seeking in my spare time made me mostly very calm - 'dude, how much do you masturbate?' One of my friends and best tethers to the social vibe of the playground and classroom kept pestering me to wear jeans and jackets to be 'the jock'. For however many reasons, I wasn't comfortable with that.

Anyway, since puberty, even though I didn't know the word 'Freudian', I was one of probably several young males at least that started to see sex in almost everything. I was very immature, and probably didn't have the ability to provide that safe space - that so many women say is their overarching need - until later, after graduating. -> My question is though, where do erotics end and plain, healthy expressions of love begin? Should we even encourage old-school magazines or literature?

Whenever I am having a decent time socialising, I either notice or imagine girls' swaying interests from their initial male company to my own. I feel bad about this, because however desperately I want to be myself and not need the internet so much, I realise that not much will ever reign supreme over the progress of my first intimate relationship. She did end up calling me a narcissist, a word I had never really heard before, but even after all the reflection I've done, I remember the 'good times' too occasionally, as she told me later. I am far too afraid of having the same experience, which I've been telling myself is for the better. I want for other people the same fulfilment that I felt for that now relatively short period of my life, before I give myself permission to keep trying for another relationship with a longer lifespan. -> Should I continue just listening to my gut, and relying on journalling for accountability? 

_________________

That's 'all' for this post. It is long, but dopamine hits aside, I'm always looking forward to the next stretch of real productivity, which I hope can last longer than this year's attempts so far. 

Maybe I don't deserve peace as much as I think I do deserve a violence/aggression-free routine, but I hope you guys and as many other people get it as some far-off result of what discipline I can achieve. I'll try to remember that. Peace,

~ Matt

As you probably know I'm a fan of daycounts so I approve 🙂 Regarding gaming, as I said one of the 4 needs gaming fulfills for us is Temporary escape, so the elements that gaming contains are going to need to be met in some way, just use this need to progress in life as it was designed to help us do, instead of satisfy it with online or computer gaming.

Regards relationships I'm going to abstain from commenting since I've put it aside for quite a long time for other priorities, so perhaps ask someone else 😄 Keep up the good fight 🙂
 

[wheatbiscuit]

June 15 - Day #2

Gaming: I've felt good about not letting my game play me - because that's really what was happening. As I've been reminding myself, technology and other advancements are supposed to make lives easier/better, not worse/more stressful. I dunno how other people feel minute to minute about it; I'm at the exact 'bum-end' of Generation Y. 

Erotic material: Because I'm generally pretty 'plain' offline, not much nuance/innuendo comes my way these days. Yesterday, I 'read up' on probably exaggerated erotic experiences to meet a need. Today, I felt frustration enough to avoid risking doing anything too social, but for a usual day, it's only 1/3 finished. If my mind was simply too busy, or in a really nice 'zone', I could forget about those needs for multiple days. 

Basically though, my conscience hasn't sufficiently ached, and I don't think I've contributed to anyone else's suffering. 

________________

Gratitude:

~ I saved a stranded worm in the park today, probably after accidentally hitting it though - I felt good after seeing it still moving, and putting it in soil

~ Being sick while exercising but also feeling better after, and continuing on

~ The awful callouses on my fingers from gym two weeks ago are healed/have stopped hurting. It was mixed grip, chalk and a thin bar :S

~ I'll probably get some good apartment cleaning done today

I've called off my song-singing today. There were more than 3 signs that it wasn't going to be an adequate time. As above though, it can now be a cleaning afternoon.

Wots-of-wuv,

Matt

Edited June 15 by wheatbiscuit
grammar

[wheatbiscuit]

June 16 - Day #3

I've been typing these close to midday because: it's motivating, I'm well-enough awake, and since (my reality experience is very concentrated and draining?) I don't enjoy going out past 5 or 6pm, I start to calm myself down again and won't get the most out of trying to make an honest journal post.

_________________

Gaming: I've been sleeping quite awhile, and last night was no exception. -> But I woke up feeling ready to 'mesh' with the world, until I realised home is living solo in a studio apt. I find having a heart-to-heart textathon on my phone infuriating and a waste of time, and as I've said: my USB keyboard is a dear old friend. My walks outside have been socially sad, maybe because there is so much 'lingering' (heh) interest in using phones publicly as well as privately. That, I think is going to be a behavioural reality for awhile. So funnily enough, I suppose my addiction told me that I was getting a more honest picture of people and what everyone desires by watching the movements of gaming avatars - speed, choice of gear, looting habits, etc. I then tried to reason around who was escaping what reality by gaming (or reading, in my case). I dunno - it's been easy focusing my mind on one gaming-replacement effort, which is 'temporary escape of reality', or at least, escape of what bothers me the most. Maybe I need a poster on the wall with my 5, or (4+1) needs. I'll probably get to that.

Erotic material: I think that desire for this is actually results from over-thinking and reflecting, and is sort of an escape from my mind - or bringing myself back home to my body, like exercise does. Since I've not done either yet today, we'll see. I don't wear this like any kind of badge, but due to mental illness/disorder (not NPD), my daily experience should not be considered standard. I can get a little side-tracked - and whilst that can help dredge up memories for reflection, to get through a day on my own, a lot more energy is used is what I think too. I say that because if I always socialised very effectively, I would probably have a lot less use for erotic material. 

_______________

Gratitude:

~ a sunny day, contrasting to the last 2 or 3

~ re-reading 'IT' by Stephen King; it's 'magically' relatable, but not as much as the first 2 times. I am picking up on extra details though

~ my room is now vacuumed and table tidy, feels like 3/4 of the place complete

~ I didn't mention it last post, but yesterday's bodyweight dips and rows first-thing that morning were a true survival story to get through

Godspeed.

Matt

 

[wheatbiscuit]

June 17 - Day #3.5

I spent half of the day in a meditative state in preparation for a twice-rescheduled phone interview, albeit one that I wanted. No one called, and I'm pretty sure I was waiting for another 'No Caller ID' as part of the bargain - calling their regular number, I've tried once before to no avail.

So I went out for a short jog and medium walk to try and clear my head, but mostly what that did was re-ascertain me of the clearly bad mood I was in. The good news is that I'm here instead of recommitting to gaming. The bad news is that after reading an email sent past 5pm and its contents, I don't think the person deserves a 3rd chance to mess up again on this week. The vibe has well-passed now. Onward to abstinence.

______________

Gaming: No desires until the walk back home, even whilst knowing I was 20-30 minutes from getting here and typing, the only comfort I could find was a mental image of grinding the game. I am usually pretty attuned to my environment, and it was cold literally and figuratively, so simply changing my thought patterns this evening would probably have created collateral damage. I don't do that. But maybe overnight/tomorrow.

Erotic material: Explaining the 'Day #3.5' count, I accidentally came across some whilst reading, and forgot to say a prayer or whatever. I felt unclean, but did not suffer all-day damage from it like with actual giving in to looking for whatever else. I don't wish for another half-day-count, but at least we would return to whole numbers if I misstep again. 

_____________

Gratitude:

~ Maybe the general population is so far gone where I am that my suffering appears minuscule, and not even worth aggravating for entertainment. So, I am lucky that I felt unprovoked and thus harmless. 

~ The taste of water when truly thirsty

~ Gradually returning pleasures of the sounds and smells of new days
~ Waking up semi-dead and recovering

Happy Monday, I guess.

~ Matt

Edited June 17 by wheatbiscuit
grammar

[Ikar]

43 minutes ago, wheatbiscuit said:

I spent half of the day in a meditative state in preparation for a twice-rescheduled phone interview, albeit one that I wanted. No one called, and I'm pretty sure I was waiting for another 'No Caller ID' as part of the bargain - calling their regular number, I've tried once before to no avail.

So I went out for a short jog and medium walk to try and clear my head, but mostly what that did was re-ascertain me of the clearly bad mood I was in. The good news is that I'm here instead of recommitting to gaming. The bad news is that after reading an email sent past 5pm and its contents, I don't think the person deserves a 3rd chance to mess up again on this week. The vibe has well-passed now. Onward to abstinence.

Wow, I can't imagine the nerve of that person. I can imagine happening it once (even though meeting somebody new should likely be top priority), but not twice. I'm certain it's a good thing you won't work there, if that's how it goes there 😄 

50 minutes ago, wheatbiscuit said:

Erotic material: Explaining the 'Day #3.5' count, I accidentally came across some whilst reading, and forgot to say a prayer or whatever. I felt unclean, but did not suffer all-day damage from it like with actual giving in to looking for whatever else. I don't wish for another half-day-count, but at least we would return to whole numbers if I misstep again. 

Do you have any support to help you with that? I started solving my porn problem actively and I've been clean for almost a month now.

[wheatbiscuit]

On 6/17/2024 at 6:39 PM, Ikar said:

Do you have any support to help you with that? I started solving my porn problem actively and I've been clean for almost a month now.

Not really. I still remember clearly the week-long Summer vacation I was put on at 13, where a sizeable handful of us children/teenagers had (another, for me) a spiritual experience. For the 2 years after that (peak habit-forming period, perhaps), I was mainly on my own with internet and social exploration. I often process slowly now unless stressed, if that even counts. So while my experience outstrips my family and friends' in some ways, in others I am trailing behind - who should reach out first about what? 😮 I have been toying with the idea using other social media more restrictively in terms of what and who I share with. Whatever might get people to be more sincere.

______________

June 18 - Day #4.5

It's keyboard time again, because I would have written or spoken darkly after yesterday, and admitting or even sharing that among you fine ladies and gentlemen may be too cruel. I had a dream last night that my old neighbourhood (or maybe invented a new or even older perspective that way - it used to feel vibrant) was transformed into one big holiday resort. My ex was with her mom, and as usual, she strayed off and bumped into me. I think the statistics would have been 75-80% of the conversation we made (mostly life updates, I think) pleased her, and the rest either made her recoil or nervous. Not bad. I didn't wake up feeling too rested though, so maybe gym in a couple of hours.

Gaming: I've had a lot of thoughts about letting the decision of gaming speak for itself with something like a 'screw the lot of you miserable b*****ds' (offline society/communities). But the thought of not even having recorded 1 week after making what felt like my longest recommitment post here ever, and at least having felt 'at home' whilst at home in the meantime kept me somewhat perked up. I really don't miss having my strained eyes glued to my screen, but I sort of miss all those miniature calculations and stuff. I had a thought this morning about people liking me on my first tighter-knit community on my game because I was so brutally defensive - and honest about it. Really, I was just typing everything that popped into my head as if we were all on stage, while music in my earphones spurred me on, shutting out everything beyond my room. That's probably not going to happen anymore.

Erotic material: Not today.

_____________

Gratitude:

~ Having made 2 conscious choices not to try and follow through with 'bad energy', and felt 'right' so far

~ Filtered some reading of the news

~ An early cup of ginger (and something else) tea

~ Feeling like I did fulfil needs that gaming often did, without playing

_____________________

Continued for end of day: -> Aside from stopping halfway to the farthest gym in reach (in my area) to sit for 10 minutes and admire the park, building and sky instead this morning, today almost didn't matter. I'm not used to that, and now finally post-shower (and literally feeling like I was fading away), I'm back here instead of trying a 'well-earned' hour of gaming. I didn't bump my screen name on the 5 most recent posts list either - howz-about-dat? Lols. 

None of this 'laying about' would have worried me except for the idea that I might accidentally turn out unappreciative like the rest of my family by not really making every day count (the way that looks to me), though I am a mere 30. I've already gone into how being socially appropriate for the situation is difficult, but all I'm hankering after are kinds of 'group huddles' - be that in the gym, the park or some other kind of learning environment.

I've received idiotic (because I wasn't contacted back) pre-typed emails from more than job advertisers - colleges too. If I had to be proud of anything I've 'inherited', it is wanting to see all kinds of systems work properly - often technical ones, to clarify - like games, too. My point being that I am poking my nose in places I want to be a part of. I just don't know how forcefully I should be prodding now, in slight desperation. *shrug* Time for unsweetened tea. 😉

Over and out.

Matt

 

 

Edited June 18 by wheatbiscuit
grammar and update

[wheatbiscuit]

June 19 - Day #5.5

I've come back to some more speeches with music in the background, as I sit/lie at home processing, you know - and in the moments between the other positive 'lightning bulb' moments, I now think of what's 'missing' from my life and the solid time length of the mp3.

It's something like the 'yep, that works' that you know someone or something else has really meant when you do something, not just verbalised but maybe as an expression as well. Passing on 2 or 3 tomato sauce-based pizza doughs with cheese and with the order attached and receiving a nod or smile from my workmate as he pulls them over - or just dropping stones in a pond, for example. 

^ I told my mom that's the most basic appeal of my game, otherwise I wouldn't care what it was - if at this stage I didn't need to live in an urban box. I'm not uncomfortable, but mostly if it weren't for the shops and the pharmacy, I'd be making sure I got that out of (or into) my system in an ideal living arrangement.

Today, I went for my first music-in-earphone-free walk in a long while - 1 hour with the 10kg weight vest. I was only slightly irritable for it, and I left the earphones at home. I was determined to affirm others' being outside and thus my own decision to be, with small nods, smiles and pace changes/side-steps. The musical speeches made the rhythm of walking and swimming appeal more to me. If I can keep my mood up, some swimming may be in the cards.

_____________

Gaming: Nope, though I remembered playing some music speeches while playing early last year, wondering briefly if it would work again. It seems better when I'm really focused on the speech alone.

Erotic material: Nope.

_____________

Gratitude:

~ good weather

~ water

~ black tea tastes good today

~ I read some non-fiction to beat some vague crazies away before bed

May update with the 2nd half of the day again later. Good luck all

Matt

 

Edited June 19 by wheatbiscuit
grammar

[wheatbiscuit]

June 20 - Day #6

Just about any dependence seems to lead to mortal fear in me; reading, videos, movies, wholesome-yet-tasty food - even long workouts or work-related endeavours. I read once that argumentativeness is one trait of a 'personality gone wrong', but at least in a group of people all claiming one way is best, there is variety. lol

But without an art or a craft to properly distract from the 'arguing', and vice-versa, each becomes unbearable. This is how the in-game chat and clickable content used to work - because I used to not know I was escaping from anything or fulfilling an unmet social/security need when I gamed. 

I seek the middle ground between 'popping off at the mouth' to strangers and getting people to recognise that I have value. The best way to put words to the feeling is 'being among people you feel that you know, but who appear to be saying with eyes and faces that you are the one who is unknown'. It may be the problem of cost of living here for many at the moment, but I just don't imagine very many people responding that well to my preferred introductions. The best 'Hi. How are you?', on the other hand, once came out of me in a local corner store, - because I really thought I'd found a kindred spirit by the looks of us - but I guess the context of shopping was too strong, because she asked me oddly if I worked there, and when I said 'No', she said 'You said that with such great purpose!' 

I find that really sad, because my whole life, whenever allowed ample enough thinking time, I found a sense of great purpose - not unique purpose, but the energy to do something interesting which no one in the environment I saw was trying to do yet. The question is, what sort of person makes a business of quashing those feelings in others? I think the majority knows, because it becomes so clear when looking out for it. It's the attention and awareness to be able to re-assign value to what is purposefully benevolent from what simply isn't, that is required.

_____________

Gaming: No, but I almost went there. I read about an update - not bad by its standards - and consequently missed the first 8 minutes of a speech in the background, which was actually the thing I felt worst about. I took the second to download the initial file, but then I stared at it in mostly unconscious thought and deleted it again. The moment of crisis was trying to decide what to do with the evening, and all I did was try to get back into reading the remaining 30% of 'IT', before sleeping early, with disturbed sleep at that. 

Erotic material: This is what ended up breaking my 'paralysis', by quickly accessing it. Afterward, I went to the grocery store and felt rather positive, but maybe because I didn't go for anything that would have been more seriously disturbing. So I've recorded another 0.5 day's progress, because maybe it is the combination of both potentially very-problematic behaviours that is utterly destructive and a setback - also which would prompt a new day-count. What I mean is, since I didn't use both, I didn't completely throw in the towel, or write off the day entirely. I dunno.

____________

EDIT - Gratitude:

~ Fixed my quilt inside its cover so I wasn't just pulling the cover over myself for warmth last night

~ Still getting in 2 hours exercise (mostly walking/climbing) whilst feeling sluggish

~ An unexpected partial recap in Discord of the social group's event I missed last weekend, which was worth a few solid laughs, even for me

~ To fill spot number four, general mercy

Truck on.

Matt

Edited June 21 by wheatbiscuit
terms plus gratitude

[wheatbiscuit]

June 21 - Day #0

It's Friday, and what I want to be able to do the most is patch things up (mostly in my mind) with my social event group (after missing last weekend's event). This hopefully means being able to greet everybody at this weekend's event quickly by name, and remember about half of the conversations I had 2 weeks ago. There is also a (hard?)-core of people who stay on Discord for some voice chat gaming on Monday and Friday now. I want to be able to hang out there socially, even if it means I don't play at all.

^ Speaking of games, I decided to use the 'reward' of 1 hour online in the evening, after I'd done almost everything I thought I was obliged to do. What that did was get me singing to myself as I went throughout the 2nd half of the day, and through a second bout of exercise, plus chores. 

Here are some of the outcomes:

~ Since last week felt very long, signing in for that 1 hour felt definitely other-worldly, and yet I remembered the 5 needs and kept in mind how I was going to fulfil them regardless of that hour. 

~ I did think about the 'future' of my profile more than I did normally during the sum total of 2 months without gaming this year so far, so I tried to focus back on the importance of achieving 'offline' during the day

~ Somehow, making sure I was without further desire by 7pm made its way into the mix, so yesterday was kind of a motivated 'failure' by last week's standards reported here

~ I did not sleep restlessly last night, as I did the 3 nights prior, from going to bed too early. There was some remaining drowsiness for the first hour, but at least I wasn't unhappy this morning.

______________

Having read Vee's and Wildermyth's journal entries, I think I am now number 3 in 24 hours to admit to 'needing' a session. I want to know what (if not the feeling which led to it) made us come back/give in all at once! 

I will monitor my thoughts and feelings closely again, and try to be as  productive as reasonably possible before dark, before and if I sign in. It may seem pointless to call it as such, but if I should keep a temporary streak of days when I do this, I think I'll still feel decent.

EDIT: Day #1 (of 'moderation')

I got out at midday for 90 minutes of weighted walking at a good pace, sweating only a little when the sun came out. Then I moved about the apartment doing everything (except play) a little at a time until 4pm. I replied a day late to a text from my Dad well enough, but after much painful deliberation on where I would want our next conversation to go (it's like that even without my own plan). Then I signed on at 4-5pm, and 6:30-7:30pm. 

The 4-5pm period was a rest break. My game has always meant a kind of sweet oblivion, even though I care much less about my ability to play than I did at 18. I was 90% sure that it was not important whether the 5 needs gaming serves were met during either session.

At 6pm, 'the boys' signed in, we made greetings, and then come 6:30 I was happily listening to and visualising their experience, not really thinking about what was on my screen or (mostly) about what else might be a 'better' use of my time here on a Friday evening. 2 hours somewhat prepared for, and I felt I rounded off my own day well.

I don't expect life to be 'only me' all the time in either the nearer or distant future, but tonight I feel very grateful for technology and the efforts of the social group (members and staff). Don't get me wrong, tonight there was a whirlwind or two of chaotic thought for awhile, but 80% of it was good, or simply OK. If it doesn't seem right or safe to lose yourself for a significant portion of the day, be mindful. I will be doing the same.

Good luck all.

Matt

Edited June 21 by wheatbiscuit
grammar and edit at day's end

[wheatbiscuit]

June 23 - Day #2

I spent the day out, first with the social group and then with my nan - with my uncle visiting her at the same time! Oddly though, I didn't find the specific feelings I was chasing but appreciated everyone alongside me just as well. Some of the time today, I thought about the act of sitting at my desk with my game and music playing as a distant happy place, but not the only one, nor one I absolutely have to visit. For example, it's early Sunday evening and I'd much rather 'chill out' in again slightly less happy ways, but just as joyful, if that makes sense. I don't want to demand random number generation (RNG) on my screen(s) very much right now, with the 'content' I would intend to play at. I see that as appreciation of both choices.

However, there were several moments of near-panic for potentially catching/missing the wrong public transport today. The last moment I overcame ended with a kind of affirmation - that 'stress is positively correlated with delusions', in agreement with myself about a near-same movie line, I think. And that sounded OK to me; the best I could do to calm myself. For it was just negative thinking about everything instead of acceptance/appreciation of what was happening there and then. So possibly, the ('everything in') moderation is working so far as I can try to see from outside of myself; I'll try to stay aware and mindful and see what I can make of the next week.

______________

Gratitude:

~ winning a shopping voucher for making sure I wore the group t-shirt

~ playing a light version of tennis with everyone else, who were real champions

~ generally seeing ideas for potential routine actions better

~ I have another idea - as to why I felt less awkward (and grateful for that), but I may be able to confirm it tomorrow

Plan to see you then!

Matt

 

Edited June 24 by wheatbiscuit
phrases