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NEW VIDEO: I Quit MMOs and THIS Happened

Matt's Journal


wheatbiscuit

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On 5/20/2024 at 3:33 PM, Ikar said:

Unless something is wrong, I think an 18-year old adult is normally able to get by on their own in a society, either by working or studying at the university. Yes, many parents support their kids by paying (a part of) their rent or send them an X amount every month, but I don't think the support is normally too critical.

There are some exceptions of course (handicapped kids or severely ill parents), but I'd say that unless you yourself want to be a "people manager" for your dad and "weaker individuals celebrator" for your mom, you shouldn't do that, simply because wasn't/isn't your choice. Their health will naturally get worse over time and if at (your) 40 the situation will be the same, you will be the number 1 person to take care of their checkups, shopping etc. I'm not writing this as a bad thing, but you must count with that as a realistic future outcome, and consider, if it's something you want to happen and then commit to.

(May 21)

I border on explaining that both of those exceptions are the case, a large number of days - I think I already have online here, in a way. Thanks for giving me something to think about though. It's only been 1.33 months' abstinence this time, after all. As I've also said, most people in my life seem to want to forget everything that's happened and move forward forcefully. I feel and think I've already given that approach my best, even if continuing in that way would ensure (to spin a phrase) 'healthy aging of my consciousness' - or put really simply, an afterlife.

Today, at the employment agency, I'm pretty sure 1 of 2 people that saw me today (for a change) said that there should be something that excites me enough to wake up naturally early - other than clicking on images for points. It's sort of like I said; I've been sleeping to dream and waking to earn sleep for the past few weeks, without the desire to directly impose my will on the living - without wanting to watch their own vision and personal power shrink in their eyes. I could never do that unless I knew doubtlessly that someone was doing another wrong - I would blame autism for this (the assessed-for first level I've got) if it weren't so popular already to do so; that wouldn't fill any important gaps in anyone else's life unless there was some need for a personal put-down. Back to the point, I've been a part of forcing enough already, I think.

Gratitude ~ Today, I petted the employment agent's dog, with enthusiastic consent. ❤️‍🩹

Peace,

~ Matt

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May 22

Summary:

I came really close in the last half-hour to signing in to 'the' game, at the same time as feeling badly with a sad song playing. That could have had awful results, but the mindfulness of the last month and a bit kicked in, and I closed the window, and I let the song finish, also reading its lyrics.

Today, and this morning, I have no solid excuse not to get some weights training out of the way, - just finishing a cup of tea and getting this off of my chest - but the hardest part is the warm-up walk either in the gym or outside. I really concentrate on getting prepared for the session, so much that I often start thinking of other people (who I'm really, in the end, trying to elevate my mood for) as harmful distractions. I wish I could think of thoughtful things to say in conversation (now I think about that, not many people do successfully anymore) while fixing my posture and keeping on moving, but the confidence from a new work role is probably necessary to even try - otherwise I'd just end up challenging people from a very insecure place.

Anyway, my brother messaged me last night (without punctuation) 'how goes it' + 'why so quiet', which I saw this morning, and I can't think of any good answers that would lead anywhere positive. I don't want to go into all of the old dynamics between us and our parents/authority figures, but I can recognise when I'd just be getting myself into a poor situation. As I said to a friend somewhat recently, unless there's an epiphany, similar to what I went through, in the minds of my family members, there isn't going to be the shared healing I would need to fully open up again - and not make our world a worse place.

To add to basic mental efforts, I watched two online interviews with two very different interviewees yesterday, but they at least seemed to share a goal of not doing people direct harm - something that does still occasionally result from telling someone they're 'not good enough', mentioning that just in case. I think that's all for now.

Gratitude:

~ almost hearing my brain politely refuse to type in my details on the game or to endure a potentially long, sorrowful (and pointless) session

~ 'the golden rule' still seems to be at play

~ changing (weekly) my bedsheets to the warm material

~ the simple chilling in Discord with members of the social group on Monday, I forgot to mention

Good luck everybody,

~ Matt

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Posted (edited)

May 22.5 (Yes, really.)

I remember 3 distinct moments last year when I realised I was gaming too much: 1) My friend engaging (or joking about engaging) my character in combat for laughs/a 'kick', making me wonder if he cared at all, 2) Being outside, ploughing through an uphill walk in between gaming sessions, and perceiving intimidating eye-contact from someone in the opposite direction (keyword 'perceiving' - and by the way, I still feel this today), and 3) Overreaction to unannounced touching, which was when my dad's partner put his hand on my shoulder in the gym, on a very early morning I'd woken up gaming on.

The rest is history: all of these journal posts, - most of which are pretty harmless - the discovery of GQ through a regular, curious google search, and 2 relapses, Oct-Dec 2023 + Jan-Apr 2024. I don't want a 3rd. I'm still superstitious about 2 instances turning into 3 making something into a serious 'trend'. My weird marketing lecturer/tutor added in one of his many offhand remarks that 'good things come in 3s' - or significant things, perhaps. 

I didn't do anything special this last night/this morning except make 2 meals before going outside, instead of 1. I simply couldn't make the planned workout seem serious enough in my mind to rush out the door right after I'd finished eating a bowl of oatmeal. I've done it so many times - almost skipping on my way straight to the gym, or taking a warm-up walk around the park for 40 minutes prior. It didn't help that it was the heavy dumbbell/kettlebell walks (too much walking before even lifting!) that primed me for some decent overhead press last time, which I thought I could capitalise on. 

I'm trying to be a good citizen in the meantime while looking for work again, and I know I'll be able to rise to the occasion if I keep investing in time away from gaming when whoever takes a liking to me. That's just the thing though; people I've met seem afraid of me and so don't take notice of all the signs that (I think) are right there to see. My ego says it's because people aren't facing certain concepts that I am. And so, if I want to make the effort to fit in (again?), should I just ignore the things that my consciousness has become 'aware' of, like the signs that people on the street just don't care about each other (or me)?

Do I really want to use porn/game, plough up that same street/hill and then cry over the top of my earphone music without inhibition to that 'special' stranger, "HEY, WTF IS UP, HOMIE!?! 😄 😄 😄 😄", either demeaning social interaction and leaving the person nonplussed/scared, or worse, receive an aggressive/violent reaction and then ask "Ahh come on, what's your problem?" and have it all descend from there? In the world I want, people just aren't interested in hurting or intimidating others. Without my inhibitions, people treat me like or even tell me that I am a blight, but that treatment seems to be creeping in anyway. I've been incredibly lucky in that at my worst moments, it seems that most people are dimly sensing the build-up and 'tone it down' subconsciously, before I become truly prepared to lose my cool. 

It isn't just my ego that tells me I've 'tried everything' and must therefore be 'miles ahead' of most people, and so should just play around on games while I wait, which is also a sad thing. The mate I played chess with 11 days ago is aware of all sorts of things and what not to do, but some of the only wariness he's vocalised has been about 'not oversharing'. I told him that today I, unlike him (after sympathising with his 'jelly legs' sensation) did not workout this morning because I didn't have enough faith, and have yet to read back. The person I explained all of my mistrust to has vaguely told me he's looking forward to our next scheduled contact sport, forgetting the reaction I said I had to him muscling into me at basketball. I don't want my friendships to begin (and end) with rage. Feign interest skilfully, at least, is what I ask. I promise, I'm doing the same, and usually without the feigning part.

That's all again for now.

~ Matt

 

Edited by wheatbiscuit
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May 23-24

ICYMI(first time saying that), I had a bit of a moment 2 nights ago and fooled around online, gaming etc. I want to apologise, because what I said to myself was 'screw this, nobody's really supporting me on here'. Not only that, but someone from a social club I've been with (who is a great person) took a physical fall yesterday and I heard it was pretty grisly.

If we are all really connected, perhaps my actions over here on my computer (even though it was basically gratification-only) played a part in some kind of chain of events that led to it. In my view, she didn't deserve the injury just as I didn't deserve to mindlessly entertain myself the way I did. I've been mindful of so much, and suddenly when half of my world felt like it was caving, and I threw away the rest for a time, someone else's day took a miserable turn. I am not defeatist by saying, 'that's just life' all of the time, and although I might somewhat recognise the insanity in blaming her event on myself, still.. and my 'heal up soon' was added to the card we're sending her.

_________________

The night before last, I slept over 12 depressing hours - but then went for a 6-7 mile (10-11km) jog right after eating. Then today, I visited the social club. Today was coloured by the news of the lady's accident and the hyper-aroused state I was in from indulging online. Semi-relatedly, I've been realising more the importance of honesty and innocence and its preservation in younger people. If you see them dwindling, don't hesitate to try and replenish! ❤️ 

________________

Gratitude:
~ feeling good enough about the day to hit the gym after the social club locked up for the weekend

~ spilling water down my front 2-3 times from my overlarge drink bottle and not worrying

~ waking up gradually from before my 6am alarm went off (I wanted to get to the clubhouse right on opening)

~ even though I didn't sense it properly at the time, I think now that several of the other members were pretty forgiving of me today - I do have a task of sorts from one staff member to make next visit better: suggest/bring stuff for the end of month picnic, and try to bring a friend, so I'm writing that down 😉 

Best wishes for the weekend,

~ Matt

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Posted (edited)
17 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

May 23-24

ICYMI(first time saying that), I had a bit of a moment 2 nights ago and fooled around online, gaming etc. I want to apologise, because what I said to myself was 'screw this, nobody's really supporting me on here'. Not only that, but someone from a social club I've been with (who is a great person) took a physical fall yesterday and I heard it was pretty grisly.

If we are all really connected, perhaps my actions over here on my computer (even though it was basically gratification-only) played a part in some kind of chain of events that led to it. In my view, she didn't deserve the injury just as I didn't deserve to mindlessly entertain myself the way I did. I've been mindful of so much, and suddenly when half of my world felt like it was caving, and I threw away the rest for a time, someone else's day took a miserable turn. I am not defeatist by saying, 'that's just life' all of the time, and although I might somewhat recognise the insanity in blaming her event on myself, still.. and my 'heal up soon' was added to the card we're sending her.

_________________

The night before last, I slept over 12 depressing hours - but then went for a 6-7 mile (10-11km) jog right after eating. Then today, I visited the social club. Today was coloured by the news of the lady's accident and the hyper-aroused state I was in from indulging online. Semi-relatedly, I've been realising more the importance of honesty and innocence and its preservation in younger people. If you see them dwindling, don't hesitate to try and replenish! ❤️ 

________________

Gratitude:
~ feeling good enough about the day to hit the gym after the social club locked up for the weekend

~ spilling water down my front 2-3 times from my overlarge drink bottle and not worrying

~ waking up gradually from before my 6am alarm went off (I wanted to get to the clubhouse right on opening)

~ even though I didn't sense it properly at the time, I think now that several of the other members were pretty forgiving of me today - I do have a task of sorts from one staff member to make next visit better: suggest/bring stuff for the end of month picnic, and try to bring a friend, so I'm writing that down 😉 

Best wishes for the weekend,

~ Matt

Matt if you've crossed the line and gamed your thought patterns possibly need revising, you were probably thinking of it for a long time and you start justifying it, I am raising a red flag for you, just as I did for myself.

Remember the 4 major human needs that you need fulfilled, think how they're not met and change something in your routine. 
-Temporary escape
-Constant measurable progress
-Challenges
-Social Connection

Here's Cam's article on the subject the 4 needs are under "I Quit Once Again".
https://gamequitters.com/cam/
I don't remember the other parts, but this part stands out to me.

Also try placing another big goal that will occupy your thoughts. And focus on it instead of the video games. It will be hard at first but as you go, you'll forget about videogames altogether at times 🙂

Edited by Yan
inserted the link which i forgot
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23 hours ago, Yan said:

Remember the 4 major human needs that you need fulfilled, think how they're not met and change something in your routine. 
-Temporary escape
-Constant measurable progress
-Challenges
-Social Connection

Also try placing another big goal that will occupy your thoughts. And focus on it instead of the video games. It will be hard at first but as you go, you'll forget about videogames altogether at times 🙂

May 25-26

Last Wednesday's miniature relapse (I compare that to actually setting long-term goals on the game and waking up early, excited to continue them, which I haven't been doing - because in variety, that feels like a kind of hell, aside from the dopamine or whatever) would have been closest to 1) Temporary escape (from feeling alone) and 2) Challenges (I almost had 'fun' clicking against the game itself - not other players - and almost failed/lost). Measurable progress and social connection were pretty much not factors. I did consider all 4 before playing, because the alternative was going outside in a raw state and saying and doing things that I would have regretted later. If I had to add a #5, it would be 'security' - not comfort, because I was actually quite uncomfortable for the 2 hours I did spend online.

Yes, my 'big goal', you could say has been a broader one of belonging - or 'community feeling' (as brought up in 'Courage to be Disliked'), that is, feeling that it's 'OK' to be somewhere. The effort put in for me is basically only listening/reading and considering, and offering support generally. You could also say that it's not enough, but after my co-worker and trainer left at my old job, I sort of realise that most of the work I did thereafter was for me and the general public, not my workmates. I was not as easily satisfied by most of their behaviour.

Offline, I've been doing pretty well. I forgive and try to forget - especially about gaming, as I haven't even 'voted' for the private server I signed onto on Wednesday. If more of the players were in my position, I might have even stayed with them just to chat, but not to play. As it happened, I just shifted some gold around and tried a simple, solo 'boss fight'. When people have asked me in-person about the game, I try not to enjoy knowing anything at all about it, though I still try to answer truthfully.

There may or may not be another community I can find like this one (god forbid the 'front page(s) of the internet), so you'll have my best until whenever. This has been a deep journey for a year now, and now that @BooksandTrees has said it, I find it hard to imagine the next, say, 5 years - not like counting primary and high school grades. My game has already had my best, and I recognise that.

________________

Gratitude:

~ not being plagued by nightmares because of my mood before sleep

~ oatmeal

~ a free hooded jumper from Christmas now being put to use

~ Harry Potter (I was desperate for secure reading again as well)

Over and out,

~ Matt

 

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3 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

There may or may not be another community I can find like this one (god forbid the 'front page(s) of the internet), so you'll have my best until whenever. This has been a deep journey for a year now, and now that @BooksandTrees has said it, I find it hard to imagine the next, say, 5 years - not like counting primary and high school grades. My game has already had my best, and I recognise that.

5 years is a long time, but it's very likely that those 5 years will eventually pass, so we might as well do something meaningful. Even after all these years, I find that many things are still the same. So while starting my journal to counter gaming was the primary motivation for it back then (and the result of internal turmoil of the months and years before that), today I mostly journal to keep track of myself through time and to organize myself better.

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~ About a Dog ~

Our first family dog lived to just over 10 years - we finally had an appropriately-sized backyard for him, long-term. Once I'd finished school, my weekend job, in addition to his or our daily walks, was picking up after him and his friend-and-other-family-dog, a very small dog by comparison.

He was almost completely mild-mannered, save for some other dogs' attempts at dominance, my own intense hugs and backyard plays, and whining at the top of the stairs, behind a barrier, as we ate dinner. It was his personality that all but crushed my previous fear of most dogs.

Sometime in his last year, he developed what I'm simply going to call stomach problems. Our walks continued, but his pace got slower and slower, albeit determined, and me and our family would more often than not find him curled up in the laundry room shower in retreat, probably due to discomfort and a want to escape it. So in the end, soon after I'd settled in to my first job, a service was arranged to put him down.

Inspired by the spirit of movies like '300', I had wished our dog a 'warrior's' passing - to be on his feet until the end, I guess. Because of the relative obviousness of his suffering, this was opposed, and I personally hadn't the resources to argue.

So eventually, we all wound up crouched around him teary-eyed while the two people from the service did their work, and transported him away. We kept his ashes for the rest of our stay there, but I can't remember if we ever scattered them together. The owner of our dog's smaller 'brother' once said, 'there is no rule for grieving'.

______________

We are seeing our second similarly-bred dog into his almost-as-late years at the moment, but aside from slightly less bounce, which I may even be imagining, he seems to be doing okay. I saw him a few suburbs over last weekend (I haven't the yard space for him) when it dawned on me I'd been spending too much time typing here about myself in order to get through the week. He has turned out to be a very worthy replacement, but I know I'll never forget the warrior that was our first family dog. He had that look that convinced us, even as his practical masters, that he knew what was what. RIP

See you next time,

~ Matt

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May 26 - June 6

I pass right by a shelter for the homeless about twice a day as I go out for appointments/exercise. Gaming or not-gaming, my non-judgmental regard, slowed pace and hesitant smiles have gotten me next to nowhere in terms of positive responses from the people benefiting from the service. In order to find community feeling, do I have to spend time under the same circumstances - or merely volunteer as much time as I can for people who live in them? 

I think part of what kept me gaming as a teen and pre-teen was quite similar - the people who were more invested in my game were not happy, and were - quite possibly - no longer putting effort into living 'good' lives. I think that I impressed many people with how I acted online, not knowing myself how much of my own opportunity I was wasting. Of course, as soon as I tear my eyes away from the screen or a book, I realise at many times each day that the more-physical act of living (by majority standards) is different.

Also nearby, a new cafe and bakery has opened. The owner/manager seems to have a strong enough philosophy, but rarely shows signs of happiness. I don't know if he is a 'family man'. Wheatbiscuit Senior has since confessed that he 'made a mistake' (in deciding to become one). I rarely embellish or make this stuff up here. Just to be clear, if I truly wanted pity, I would be far less civil - as I am told to be. But this is to further explain why I type at length, and am not satisfied with sharing 'the basic facts' quickly and succinctly. 

What I think I recognise is that there's a very slim chance of avoiding having all of my prejudices/biases/attitudes/judgments worked out of me, in order to become a more well-contributing member of society. I might slow that process down by keeping my own choice of music in my ears, hiding away online/in fiction novels or oversleeping, but all I get out of that is a kind of patience for absolutely everything - certainly not any other kind of strength. I think anyone who has lived by any significant values reaches a point of intolerance. So that's what I'm trying to work with.

I won't trouble you all this time with specific withdrawal symptoms or even how I felt about them. I guess I want everyone to know that I am gradually trying different methods/tips/tricks on my own and not expecting different results from doing exactly the same things. That said, there are only so many things aside from group-problem-solving that yield significantly changing results. IMO, your moves!

________________

Today, I am grateful for:

~ favourite fruits

~ not waking up dead (another personal favourite outcome)

~ a shallow-press medication pack

~ balance

 - I was going to 'sound out' opinions on whether everyone is convinced of the sincerity of my gratitude section -  because if I were my own best friend, I would make talking points of any lack detected there.

Peace. Over and out!

 

 

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4 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

I think part of what kept me gaming as a teen and pre-teen was quite similar - the people who were more invested in my game were not happy, and were - quite possibly - no longer putting effort into living 'good' lives. I think that I impressed many people with how I acted online, not knowing myself how much of my own opportunity I was wasting. Of course, as soon as I tear my eyes away from the screen or a book, I realise at many times each day that the more-physical act of living (by majority standards) is different.

This is a tough point to make. One could very well blame his family for "letting" him become and addict when they didn't detect (or ignored) the fact when as a kid they were falling into the spiral of addiction. On the other hand, everything may have turned out swimmingly if it was not gaming but, for example, engineering. Then the innate energy and effort of the kid would be directed well. I wish my family spent more time with/on me when I was a kid.

4 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

What I think I recognise is that there's a very slim chance of avoiding having all of my prejudices/biases/attitudes/judgments worked out of me, in order to become a more well-contributing member of society. I might slow that process down by keeping my own choice of music in my ears, hiding away online/in fiction novels or oversleeping, but all I get out of that is a kind of patience for absolutely everything - certainly not any other kind of strength. I think anyone who has lived by any significant values reaches a point of intolerance. So that's what I'm trying to work with.

It depends on the person, but I think it's normal to have a job. Frankly, I always thought of unemployment benefits as allowance for a holiday (though I don't know if you actually receive it) 😄

4 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

 - I was going to 'sound out' opinions on whether everyone is convinced of the sincerity of my gratitude section -  because if I were my own best friend, I would make talking points of any lack detected there.

That "not waking up dead" gave me a chuckle, it sounded relatable for whatever reason, but the list should obviously be fluid. I don't compare it day-to-day, but I'd find it to be suspicious if it stayed more or less the same.

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June 7-12

Singing along to CD and mp3 music early on in my life in the family car, then at school, then at the computer as I often played around - either on an actual game or browsing randomly - has always been something I enjoyed. Then finally at 19, after a year of kitchen work, I began to feel prompted to sing again, when there was enough rhythm in our hands making pizzas. 

This weekend, it looks like I'll have the opportunity to sing some more, in company. I intend to warn everyone that it is advanced singing and I might run out of breath, but it's worth a shot for the hassle-free fun of it. Maybe if enough people get into it, our social group might respond even better to karaoke events. Because I played music for almost all of my time gaming, and I've burned my ears (and eyes!) with so much intense emotional expression, it takes a fair bit to genuinely move me. That is one of my truer regrets - not having spread out all that emotion across a majority of my life to carry me through what has recently felt dull. Still, the battle (to maintain and improve mine/others' human experience) goes on.

Gratitude:

~ the sense of having daily options, so as not to have to demand so much - seeing others take additional pains for me makes me feel bad

~ the social event afternoon at the beach last weekend, where dehydration actually got to me, but was survived - then the ferry trip home in company

~ seeing here that on the recent change in seasons perhaps, I haven't been alone in struggling

~ 2.5 weeks and the original Harry Potter book series is almost down; I'll be ready for something new again soon

I'm sorry about everyone's blues. Seriously, try some of Switchfoot's music! 😮 

~ Matt

Edited by wheatbiscuit
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