Matt's Journal

[D_Cozy]

I am looking into the Silo series now after reading through your entries, they sound like my thing. I'll be sure to check them out at some point next year, when I get through my current stack of "next to read" books 😅

[SerinaGold]

I will look into these Silo series books. It's hard for me to find something I truly enjoy in reading. Wool, Shift, and Dust. Sounds like it could be a great time. Looking forward to it, thanks for the suggestion.

[wheatbiscuit]

August 26-28

Summary:

Saturday) 2 routine walks and 1 into the city for some new shoes to continue doing them in (there were multiple holes in my old pair); not a difficult sale for the staff. lol

Sunday) 6x6 80kg slow descent back squats in local gym + got a check-in message from a study buddy from the 2nd half of last year

Monday) 2 routine walks and 1 gym visit with friend; I did free-weight rows. Watched some Youtube, and read a distributed letter about our coming referendum - that really made me feel citizenly. 

Gratitude:

~ it's a little funny (and maybe sad) that I've largely forgotten the weekend, except for being re-added by a teammate on Discord

~ great weather; I hope it doesn't get balanced out too harshly

~ settled back in at home and still holding on to the memory and mood of my trip

~ sat through a couple of game shows on TV, and didn't hate on them (much)

Peace ❤️‍🩹

~ Matt

Edited August 28, 2023 by wheatbiscuit

[wheatbiscuit]

August 29-31 + September 1

Summary: 

I've spent a week back at home since the 1 week holiday prior. Made 5 gym visits since, to try and ramp up again. That's going okay. Lots of walking in between, too. 

There's been a kind of breakthrough in my mind; thinking about what I want to have to say for myself at the end of each day beyond simply avoiding gaming - so it may be that I spend the rest of my free time this year (seriously, realistically) writing notes on anatomy and stuff related to fitness so that I might remember it without intense prompting. I have a hardback copy of 'Essentials of Strength Training and Conditioning' (3e) bought 10 years ago on my 19th - at least it's from this century. 

I'm also getting up to date with a dentist - the news hasn't been all good, but I've been brushing + flossing morning and night after breakfast + dinner for a week, and it's nice walking out/going to bed with freshly scrubbed teeth and gums. I'll be making a journey out to a recommended dentist a little while away by train next week and once more for a procedure, looks like. 

Gratitude:

~ been feeling alright in this suburb and the apartment box I'm living in

~ it's nice not being questioned too much for not speaking a lot and merely looking at my surroundings

~ some weird and intense dreams (not all good) haven't lingered long

~ I can still remember how to write with pen and paper, lol

Good luck on your weekends everyone.

~ Matt

 

 

[wheatbiscuit]

September 2-4

Summary:

Saturday and Sunday were largely rest days, though I did some walking, including on the way to my brother's place and back to hang out and call my dad later for our calendar's Father's Day. We watched a few hours of the tv show 'Invasion'. It was interesting at multiple parts, but irksome as well almost as often. I wanted to have a serious kind of conversation, but that didn't happen. 

It's Monday here, and I got out for an enjoyable routine walk, then went to a local park's monkey bars/railings for some bodyweight exercise. That almost wiped me out by the end - though it was as good as I've ever done outdoors. I threw up right before I added a 10kg weights vest (but no pull-ups to make me look bad with it today).

________

This forum is one, but I'm still looking for a good (nearby) space to be myself with people I'll feel safe a majority of the time with in-person. Otherwise my mind threatens to eat itself alive with negative thinking. 😕 I've not gotten any responses for local job applications that I know of to help remedy that. I'm just feeling impatient with life, but I will not hurt anybody before I have another chance to be my best and am in a position to handle tough situations. I can't and won't do that again. Got my last partial-funded psychologist session next Monday. Then I'm hoping something else available gets sorted before the next one.

________

Gratitude:

~ a week and a bit's exercise without sugar-packed sports drinks and not collapsing during

~ again, you know, waking up alive and ready to start this week

~ hot cacao - I was having headaches so I've even kicked my strong teas for awhile, I think

~ other people's comments online - I used to feverishly pour my heart out as a teenager but now it seems like just one more thing I either do or don't do, whereas others on YouTube/Quora etc debate and post a lot of life experiences I can read without having the slightest impulse of adding to the list - it's one way of learning things about people

Spring (or Autumn?) has sprung! Peace,

~ Matt

Edited September 4, 2023 by wheatbiscuit

[BooksandTrees]

11 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

This forum is one, but I'm still looking for a good (nearby) space to be myself with people I'll feel safe a majority of the time with in-person. Otherwise my mind threatens to eat itself alive with negative thinking. 😕 I've not gotten any responses for local job applications that I know of to help remedy that. I'm just feeling impatient with life, but I will not hurt anybody before I have another chance to be my best and am in a position to handle tough situations

It's ok. Sometimes this stuff takes time. Stay patient and just be proud of the fact that you're looking for jobs and spaces for yourself. I experimented with boxing, floor hockey, badminton, volleyball, rock climbing and makerspaces until I found the right place for me. Took like 5 years lol. But I was stubborn. It's tough to nail down something even if you're not overcoming video game addiction etc. 

[wheatbiscuit]

September 5-8 (Tues-Fri)

Gratitude:

~ walked through some heavy rain in a coat, not umbrella and phone didn't get soaked in its pocket and break - otherwise warm weather

~ I'm now 1/2 done with some root canal treatment; it went well -  I'm sure it was more the sugary sports drinks I've been having for like 2 years for working out, than many serious lapses in actual tooth care - the important thing is I think that tooth can be saved and crowned

~ Wheatbiscuit Senior is back in the country after almost 2 months

~ no injuries during exercise

Summary:

There were 2 very positive days, Wednesday and Thursday. On Wednesday, I got up at 2:30am to prepare for a string of 3x1 hour group exercise sessions I was to help coach, as a sort of interview. Everything went quite well, but it wound up being too difficult to project my speaking voice over the music playing for the workout. The lead instructor was impressed, but I guess recognised that I wasn't entirely ready to take the position. I'm still applying for gym instructor roles, but maybe ones not focused on group fitness.

On Thursday, I woke up after one straight shot of catch-up sleep, with lingering good-mood effects of having tried so positively hard the day before. I went straight to gym, and though it was hard to get started, it turned out to be a very strong session - walking lunges, carries and overhead press. The best part of going to the gym I went to is the often-sweaty walk of shame (or pride) back home through the city.

Friday was the cleaning part of my root canal. I only endured a few flashes of pain from the numbing needle, and spilling liquids down my front later because half of my face was numb from the anaesthetic. It felt like someone had thrown me a really good punch for about 4 hours. Feeling that sensation fade away felt kind of miraculous, like shaking blood back into a dead arm after sleep.

If that read too much like a novel, my bad - it's possibly the first four-day break from typing in this thread. I forget.

Peace, and happy weekend,

~ Matt

[wheatbiscuit]

September 9 to September 11

Summary:

I had a good weekend, right up until Sunday afternoon when I did a bunch of heavy lifting and went home to eventually de-stress - not gaming, but erotic writing, to experiment since I hadn't gone online for any of that since Wednesday. I felt almost no guilt or shame for that, but there was a kind of loss of the hardened shell I was developing that seemed to be telling me it could get me through anything - like the 3 workouts Sat morning, Sat night and Sunday morning, and cleaning my unit, plus several social situations. I attributed that 'streak' to a short-medium length e-book someone shared on our Discord server, which was an simple but effective read. Enough there.

Gratitude:

~ Good weather, yet surviving a cold morning in t-shirt and shorts

~ Met up with and texted one friend from school and one from college

~ A good psychologist session - I wasn't all dazed and depressed so communicated well, mostly

~ My old boss straight-up said there were 3 days I could work back in his pizza restaurant if I was up to it - I have some big misgivings but it meant a lot

_______________

Re: ^ Pizza-making (my role)

I have trouble with casual conversation; in the quiet periods at the restaurant, I tried to stand up straight in one place and nod and smile to everyone passing by, instead of talking about endless possibilities with the boss. The term 'single-minded' (only caring about the immediate environment) has come to me lately. That's tough to endure by the clock on the wall.

Secondly, when the actual work got tough (busy), I found I didn't have the heart to join in giving directions. Attention to 'detail' (mine and everyone else's every move, pretty much) usually prevailed, and I would just whisper 'what're you doing now?' or 'are you sure about this/that?'. Sometimes those little movements - not to mention physical lack of space in the newly renovated kitchen - would get to me. 

____________

I have faith that whatever work comes my way will be made simpler/easier without gaming hanging over my head, but the hurdles over what takes its place will still be significant. I'm only a little better for social situations because frankly my mind is telling me not as much of what I say/do has the same weight, seeing as I'm representing nobody (a workplace or a job title) except myself at the moment. I'm still principled to a degree, but saving face has been less of a priority.

That's that for now, good luck with the week, all

~ Matt

[FDRx7]

53 minutes ago, wheatbiscuit said:

but there was a kind of loss of the hardened shell I was developing that seemed to be telling me it could get me through anything - like the 3 workouts Sat morning, Sat night and Sunday morning, and cleaning my unit, plus several social situations.

it’s possible you are just fatigued from all that work! I don’t know what your workout situation is but just be careful not to overtrain. Aside from your body, it fatigues your mind, and you become less able to deal with stressors. But I am impressed with your dedication to exercise! It’s a great way to fill time with a nice return on investment and a great sense of accomplishment 🙂

[wheatbiscuit]

September 12-15

Summary:

It's the morning of the 16th here, and I just slept 12 hours. My dreams last night were obvious; everything that's been bothering me and with some offered solutions. Upon reflection during the days, when I'm trying to be honest with myself, I imagine all of the hard work my loved ones have done - other times, how tactless and destructive.

All I used to do when I was healthy was make wisecracks (puns and things), otherwise I tried my best at everything, be that PvP gaming, study, exercise or whatever other activities. Now I'm afraid of walking around like an open wound like everyone else seems to, even if I tell myself I'm just learning to relax and be healthy again, on my own (because I want to truly be a part of my environment again). It often seems like out in public, everyone I take notice of is one step away from an emotional outburst or explosion (or implosion?). That's just not right. Is it projection on my part?

__________

In other news, I had a nice, neutral interview yesterday - neutral because I couldn't colour it very brightly or dimly; it just took place. All I'm to do is consider the job over the weekend and text back with interest. I know what I can bring, and others know how well I do in a learnt, familiar place. A couple of hours later, I went to an employment agency to sign up for their services. 

I had dinner with my brother, mum and dad on Wednesday, with a few downs, but it could have been much worse. On Thursday we all met up again in the evening, minus my dad, just because it was suggested offhand when we parted ways the night before. I took 3 trains that night, even though I hate standing around on platforms. I went out again because again, I wanted to practise being comfortable offline - which is really hard when I 'see' almost everyone around me doing routines that I used to have on my previous medication, looking all troubled and stuff.

__________

Gratitude (I was grateful just to make it through the week, so some simple things are):

~ Public restrooms

~ Hot and cold beverages

~ Bed 
~ My regular walking route

Still just happy to be here, props to everybody on GQ

~ Matt

[FDRx7]

14 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

It often seems like out in public, everyone I take notice of is one step away from an emotional outburst or explosion (or implosion?). That's just not right. Is it projection on my part?

I tend to agree with you here. Some people seem more on edge lately. I think there are many stressors in people's lives. There are economic, social, and familial factors among others. And the pace of life has only increased; the constant feeling of being "on" is not allowing people to have enough time to rest and reflect. I think that's why what you are doing to unplug is good, it's giving you this space.

Is it projection? You might be seeing it more if you are feeling this way, but I also think you may be more attuned now to seeing what this feeling looks like in others. Try though to find the people in the crowd who seem content and happy as well, because they are out there - and you are becoming one of them! 🙂

Keep it up and stay strong.

[Yan]

On 9/16/2023 at 3:01 AM, wheatbiscuit said:

September 12-15

Summary:

It's the morning of the 16th here, and I just slept 12 hours. My dreams last night were obvious; everything that's been bothering me and with some offered solutions. Upon reflection during the days, when I'm trying to be honest with myself, I imagine all of the hard work my loved ones have done - other times, how tactless and destructive.

All I used to do when I was healthy was make wisecracks (puns and things), otherwise I tried my best at everything, be that PvP gaming, study, exercise or whatever other activities. Now I'm afraid of walking around like an open wound like everyone else seems to, even if I tell myself I'm just learning to relax and be healthy again, on my own (because I want to truly be a part of my environment again). It often seems like out in public, everyone I take notice of is one step away from an emotional outburst or explosion (or implosion?). That's just not right. Is it projection on my part?

__________

In other news, I had a nice, neutral interview yesterday - neutral because I couldn't colour it very brightly or dimly; it just took place. All I'm to do is consider the job over the weekend and text back with interest. I know what I can bring, and others know how well I do in a learnt, familiar place. A couple of hours later, I went to an employment agency to sign up for their services. 

I had dinner with my brother, mum and dad on Wednesday, with a few downs, but it could have been much worse. On Thursday we all met up again in the evening, minus my dad, just because it was suggested offhand when we parted ways the night before. I took 3 trains that night, even though I hate standing around on platforms. I went out again because again, I wanted to practise being comfortable offline - which is really hard when I 'see' almost everyone around me doing routines that I used to have on my previous medication, looking all troubled and stuff.

__________

Gratitude (I was grateful just to make it through the week, so some simple things are):

~ Public restrooms

~ Hot and cold beverages

~ Bed 
~ My regular walking route

Still just happy to be here, props to everybody on GQ

~ Matt

Hey, I have the same problem when visiting my mom's place. I see habits that I wouldn't want for myself. (Apart for just leaving my familiar place in the first place, which is already a bit shaking)
My solution for this is to spend a lot more time with people who are striving to improve. And yes, less with my mom, because she is not showing any signs of taking responsibility.
Every time I do visit my mom's place it drags me down. No question about it. The longer I spend there, the more damage I do to my routines.
Even though with time my new routines become stronger and stronger, being there requires willpower.
And willpower is not infinite. I mean you could hold it for very long...
But why put myself in an environment that is raising my probability of starting negative momentum, which god knows where it will end...

[wheatbiscuit]

16 hours ago, Yan said:

Hey, I have the same problem when visiting my mom's place. I see habits that I wouldn't want for myself. (Apart for just leaving my familiar place in the first place, which is already a bit shaking)
My solution for this is to spend a lot more time with people who are striving to improve. And yes, less with my mom, because she is not showing any signs of taking responsibility.
Every time I do visit my mom's place it drags me down. No question about it. The longer I spend there, the more damage I do to my routines.
Even though with time my new routines become stronger and stronger, being there requires willpower.
And willpower is not infinite. I mean you could hold it for very long...
But why put myself in an environment that is raising my probability of starting negative momentum, which god knows where it will end...

Good advice Yan, cheers.

[wheatbiscuit]

September 16-21 (~4 months away from gaming)

Summary:

Gym visits have been good, and walking mostly good - haven't done decent cardio this week. I've bumped into a peculiar high school classmate twice on the street while out walking, and he and other friends and family have been making me feel like I shouldn't just rush home to 'stew' as I usually have in the past.

I watched Cam's new Youtube video from the Game Quitters channel today - 20 minutes, this one! The part that truly reached me was the story of the 13 year old whose life was destroyed within 1 year of being hooked on gaming. At that age, I remember making the choice to game instead of wholly facing life and its opportunities (being out with schoolmates and developing useful skills in and out of school). I am only thankful that it allowed me a kind of peace and physical security it did in order to simply survive adolescence, or else I would have done it differently, knowing a little bit better now.

Gratitude:

~ the temperature was 30-35 degrees celsius for 5 days straight in Spring, something I can't remember happening before, and it was lived-through! (by those I know :X)

~ my classmate actually called one of his friends asking if I could train up under his occupation, but a drivers license is kind of essential for their work - in other news, I mustered up courage and sent another text to my interviewer of last week, and will call once Friday arrives again before I keep job-hunting

~ water - it was very necessary this past week

~ my family: while often it seems they want to drop me in the deep end, they've still been there for me. I've signed up to a social group and am going to my first event of theirs on Sunday - room to grow alongside people at a more modest pace, I hope

Peace,

~ Matt

[Ikar]

On 9/21/2023 at 1:23 AM, wheatbiscuit said:

I watched Cam's new Youtube video from the Game Quitters channel today - 20 minutes, this one! The part that truly reached me was the story of the 13 year old whose life was destroyed within 1 year of being hooked on gaming. At that age, I remember making the choice to game instead of wholly facing life and its opportunities (being out with schoolmates and developing useful skills in and out of school). I am only thankful that it allowed me a kind of peace and physical security it did in order to simply survive adolescence, or else I would have done it differently, knowing a little bit better now.

It really shows that different people have different soft spots and need to know how to manage them carefully. I'm lucky to have walked out of my gaming delirium when I was 21. I learnt English as an addict and had the confidence to pursue it as a career later. It's a wise thing to take and work with both the bad and the good, even if there's not much of it.

[wheatbiscuit]

September 22-25

Gratitude:

~ I attended the first social event of a young men's group on Sunday, and enjoyed and felt secure during it

~ I was able to trust my gut and not make too big a deal of some issues

~ Another shoutout to the local supermarket across the road and the better employees

~ After what felt like much longer than a few days off the forum, you're all still posting ❤️

Summary:

Sunday was the big and mostly successful day for me - a bowling/arcade session with a bunch of like-minded folk, then a museum visit followed by dinner at my ex-boss' wife's restaurant by surprise. I didn't have the heart to talk about work or anything, just how we all were.

Yesterday, Monday, was a little messed up. My dad seems to handle disappointment better than I do, so perhaps I should have kept to my own plans and kept those plans to myself for the day, and made amends afterward. I wasn't to know the effects of what did happen until later, but I woke up with too much energy and should have worked it off alone. That's all I really have to say for that. Thursday - Saturday were neutral enough that I can barely remember them. 

__________

Gaming; why most of us are here, after all. I've steered clear of everything including solitaire, but it looks like the arcading I did on Sunday prodded that beast with a stick, or something (but it was in the physical presence of other available people to turn to, so I'm not counting it). Since yesterday, I've wondered how it would be if I went back to my old job (evening shifts in a pizza shop, now far away) AND my old gaming ways, seeing as that job in fitness remains a fantasy, and my parents, whilst having some nice ideas, aren't really able to help me along with them. 

A personal thing - I've been waiting on unemployment benefits, even though most people would say that I don't need them, for almost 2 months (probably owing to my current assets). I slowly sold my life away, piece by piece, keeping that job and gaming to cope with it though, so I didn't think applying for them was too much to ask. Anyway, my boss became difficult for me to deal with, and I wouldn't fight for that job again unless I had to - so I'm hanging on an appointment this Thursday at an employment agency for now, which looks like a long 2 days away. I'm coming to grips with the probable fact that the only person in my exact position is me, and though I can be my own best friend, I can't entirely do away with bad feelings on my own - even a smart-alecky (yet understanding) homie would do right now. 

Over and out. Peace,

~ Matt

Edited September 26, 2023 by wheatbiscuit

[Vee]

The bowling event sounds great, I'm glad you had fun! Are there regular events you can go to?

I hope the appointment goes well. 

[FDRx7]

9 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

Since yesterday, I've wondered how it would be if I went back to my old job (evening shifts in a pizza shop, now far away) AND my old gaming ways, seeing as that job in fitness remains a fantasy, and my parents, whilst having some nice ideas, aren't really able to help me along with them. 

Also hoping your appointment goes well! I went through a big struggle in my life trying to find the right career. I don't think that's completely over, but it's better than it was. I won't go into specifics because I feel like people who know me would instantly recognize me if I wrote it out, but essentially I jumped from humanities, to a trade, and now to business (to keep it general). I considered business to be something I would never do, that it was the last thing on my list. However, certain circumstances necessitated that I change my career. Having been in this one for almost 3 years now, I can say that it taught me a great lesson about passion.

I used to believe you had to have a pre-existing passion for something in order to want to do it as a career. However, I slowly learned that you become passionate about things over time as you get better at them. I used to hate what I do right now but the better I become, the more I liked it. Now, I relatively enjoy it. I wouldn't say I get up every day because I "can't imagine doing anything else" (I think sometimes those are some self-deluded business gurus with unbalanced lives who say things like that). I like it because I've grown in my skill and, more importantly, I feel that what I do is generally important and that I provide a service which helps people. Mind that I did not think this for the first year. It took time to see this after understanding the profession.

I guess my long-winded comment is to say that having interest in something before starting is great, and can lead to a "passion" career. More commonly though, people end up with passion after growing their skills. They then falsely attribute this to having had a passion for it before, but this is the fog of memory. I would say if you can, give yourself the chance to try something new and grow your skills. You might find out you like whatever that thing is! And if you don't? Then that's okay too. 🙂

Good luck on the appointment and keep it up!

[wheatbiscuit]

13 hours ago, FDRx7 said:

- having interest in something before starting is great, and can lead to a "passion" career. More commonly though, people end up with passion after growing their skills.

I was in my previous and first job for 9.5 years, and you're right - I took a year learning for 8 years of that passion - but my pressures built up and I figured that I should give up the thing I was basically only still doing on autopilot, aside from customer interaction. 

Finding a new passion somewhere unthought of would be great. 😛 My family has been trying to make me something I can't be yet, so my interest in weights training and seeing other people succeed in it as well seemed like the healthiest transition. The last random job I almost got was making broth in another kitchen! I'm still open to that!

Edited September 27, 2023 by wheatbiscuit

[FDRx7]

That's great! At least you are familiar with the process of seeking 🙂 . I think the weight training is a great idea too, but I'm glad you're open to so many new experiences. That mindset will be a great asset to you.

[wheatbiscuit]

On 8/26/2023 at 1:19 AM, D_Cozy said:

I am looking into the Silo series now after reading through your entries, they sound like my thing. I'll be sure to check them out at some point next year, when I get through my current stack of "next to read" books 😅

The Silo books hooked me because of the summary and eventual content - the status quo being challenged (a periodical thing, really, like when a majority ends up finally agreeing enough is enough of something and an obstacle to it is eventually dismantled (I'm thinking of climate change, I dunno).

I think I've already mentioned, but the book store employee recommended them because of my enquiry on books like Stephen King's (I've asked that before, and got 'American Dirt' that way as well). 

[wheatbiscuit]

September 26 to October 1

Summary:

Our coastal state set the clock forward an hour today, so those rare late afternoons/evenings on the beach or walking on the street last longer over the warmer months, I suppose are the best things about it. Also today was my 2nd weekend event at my new men's group - archery. Despite all the joking about people being accidentally (or otherwise) shot, we listened carefully about safety and I think most of us had a good time. It was really hot.

I haven't really talked to Wheatbiscuit Senior (my dad) since the first half of this week. Our family struggling with our egos is one way of saying it, but almost full-blown NPD could be another. The trouble is, our regular thinking processes can be pretty similar, creating the odd positive experience that few other things compare to. I guess I'm taking a short to medium-term break from them, is what I've said a couple of times already. As with my medication, I don't want to progress backward too far in relationships by either staying away or just cozying up again.

More positively, the meet with this new employment agency went well; I was reminded/pointed toward three new job sites (I'm on 5 now), and have got the ball rolling with them too. I just watched part of a Jordan Peterson lecture on lies, and thought of how I recently told my old boss that 'I'm not the same person (as you had employed during better times)' so that he'd stop asking me to 'help' - you know, as opposed to working and being in a properly healthy employer-employee relationship with him, when really I've finally, by my standards, feel like I've settled into the neighbourhood, helped along this year by idling more. An emailed application to a gym 15-20 minutes away on foot went through with my 1.5 minute video and resume attached to a cover letter (the total file size was too large at some point), and I got a reply this morning saying he'd be back and say more next week.

Gratitude:

~ I didn't get lost using maps on my phone getting to and from today's archery event!

~ The organiser gave me a t-shirt my size (and a cap that kind of wasn't hehe), and had sunscreen (it was sunny at a peak of 35'C)

~ There was no real loss of temper on my part, and there was even a hint of my old humour coming through during those times, even if it was uncomfortable without gaming stimuli/circuits to 'back it up'

~ I guess that no one lost their temper with me as well, though I don't mind when someone is honest doing it and doesn't hide responsibility, in a way

Happy weekend, all

~ Matt

[wheatbiscuit]

October 2-5

Gratitude:

~ 'Basically perfect' weather and peaceful mornings

~ Body didn't fail during the 3rd gym visit in a row (though without any of the 'power' lifts)

~ The fillings I needed in my teeth are all done after some neglect from gaming, now awaiting a final clean

~ Barely used any angry music during my walks, and felt social

I really don't have anything to complain about, nor much special to say for this week so far, aside from many small but beautiful moments throughout each day.

A step-in case manager called me this morning on the way to the gym and I mentioned how I'd like to talk with my brother when I hopefully meet him on the weekend about working some feelings out. 

Sometimes it seems like my worldly experience is almost tantalising me with attractive things, like people, objects and other choices. I don't know if what's 'right' for me is simply my best laid mental plan, but those usually seem to go alright, especially when not too forced.

^ The best/worst one was an apparent patient of the health centre I go to repeatedly asking the peer support worker and I for cigarettes and help locating a keyboard she had just come by us with. She looked dizzy and was walking barefoot. She almost dropped it on top of me, and I thought she had stumbled over me, dialling up my sympathy. The next time, she made strong eye contact and slowly walked over to sit next to us before asking again, and mumbling if we'd like to (hear her) 'play' (the keyboard?). I just saw a very desperate person and wanted to hug them, but my peer looked startled, so nothing came of it. It reminded me of this girl in 10th Grade who sat behind me with her friend, repeatedly asking to borrow my pencil sharpener and eraser. Several years later, that same girl came out on social media with the fact she'd been abused by her father. I had to witness a similar near-miss years later with my ex-girlfriend and her dad. 

I can play the protector role well, but I know that alone can spell trouble. It's also not what I want. Needs however, as they compete, I am often in the habit of postponing a little for my own good. It just 'seemed' like such a raw and natural moment, is all. My dad did tell me once about his 'getting stuck talking', but I'm different and also better at calling 'time', I think. I intend to watch out better. 😮

Thanks all,

~ Matt 

Edited October 5, 2023 by wheatbiscuit

[FDRx7]

3 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

I can play the protector role well, but I know that alone can spell trouble. It's also not what I want. Needs however, as they compete, I am often in the habit of postponing a little for my own good. It just 'seemed' like such a raw and natural moment, is all. My dad did tell me once about his 'getting stuck talking', but I'm different and also better at calling 'time', I think. I intend to watch out better. 😮

It seems like you very much care about other people, which is a great thing! And as you've noticed, it can also cause you to neglect your own self to a higher degree. It's good that you recognize that and seek to strike a balance. You only have so much of yourself to give each day. It's a great trait to have though. 🙂 

I've been reading through your past entries and I can really relate to many of the emotions you experience, especially regarding feeling sympathy for others in situations where you feel unable to help... but it's good that you feel something, even if you cannot assist. 

Edited October 5, 2023 by FDRx7

[wheatbiscuit]

October 6-10

Summary:

The weekend was good. I kicked off Friday morning with a lot of jogging, and asked my dad if he wanted to come with me and/or go together on Sunday morning, which the latter we did. Dinner Friday was at my brother's, where we watched two movies (Three Musketeers (2011), good fun, and Three Kings (1999), probably found while searching for the former, which was a confronting watch yet with some humour). Then I video-called my mom on Saturday, catching up with everyone by the end of the weekend.

Sunday afternoon was another men's group social activity - lawn bowls. We huddled up at the beginning and pledged supreme efforts to be extra 'matey', and it looked like everyone had a good time. There was a food truck in the parking lot which me and a handful of the others bought really nice burgers from. Monday was pull-ups training in the park with some rows thrown in to keep me warmed up.

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I woke up this morning remembering a few dreams; the strangest involving a gas and car explosion and the implied passing of somewhat-estranged family member whose personality I only have a slight gauge on. Upon waking, my consciousness was telling me 'business as usual'.

On the weekend, I made a 3-second visit to the homepage of my former game because I wanted to see the player-count; it hadn't changed. Re-reading my first journal post on here, it felt good to confirm that I do find the idea of passing time on gaming 'ludicrous', but I guess I miss the dopamine-motivation. I had found a clicking activity on it that kept me going, but aside from the stress/pressure to perform at something that mostly just benefited my in-game pockets, it was just an excuse to play motivational music at the same time. I miss that too. The hardest truth to accept is that we all have the same 24 hours to work with, and it's a lot tougher for me to really perform the same way offline when my brain still sometimes works as if we're gaming. It was easy as a teenager to completely immerse my mind online, but now I'm afraid of neglecting my body and foremost, my relationships any more than I already have. I know this is ultimately a good thing - probably a similar message from my dream.

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Gratitude:

~ I gave myself killer inner-thigh chafing from Friday's jogging, and it's just started fading and hurting less after some antiseptic and bandages.

~ The ^ jogging itself went very well.

~ I still feel a bit disturbed by my family's quirks, but didn't ruminate much at all these past 4-5 days

~ I'm grateful for this mostly merciful period/break from hard routine.

Thanks guys,

~ Matt