DanielG

Day 4. I slept in today. 12 hours of sleep 😅. I think I needed it though. It's been good so far; same routine in the morning of journaling, reading the morning meditation, prayer etc. The butterflies flew up really high and dive bombed today! It was hard to keep track of them because they flew up really high. Lots of chatter for the Japan trip this morning too. The group chat was coordinating renting cars for a road trip while we're there. The plan is to visit the inspiration/real world locations of the Initial D anime. I can't recall if I mentioned, but most of the people I'm going on the trip with are big car enthusiasts. I think it'll be fun to ride along; I still don't have my license back. I'm personally looking forward to eating a lot of good food, visiting temples, and just generally exploring Japan. I went to a couple voice meetings yesterday. Lots of experience, strength, and hope shared, good stuff. I also read some of the AA history book I got for Christmas last year. Lots of interesting stuff about the early parts of the fellowship, and one of the founding members. I'm hoping to get back into reading again. And, of course, spending a fair bit of time chatting away on Discord. It seems to be the 'screen time' of choice for me at the moment. I think it's good, a mix of that and in-person socializing is a healthy way of going about things I think. See you later. じゃあ、また

Day 3. Yesterday was a good one. I got a workout in at my friend's place before we went out for Korean food for his wife's birthday. I spent a lot of time just hanging out and having fun with friends! I'm feeling a bit tired today, though. Socializing usually takes a lot out of me. Same as usual, journaling out in the backyard. The butterflies did a little dance earlier which was cool to see, spinning really fast flying beside each other. It was neat to witness. All the little bits of life I get to see when I'm paying attention and being outside. I'm grateful to have the company of my dad's dog too. She's a bit spunky sometimes, but generally she's pretty content just chilling with me. A good companion for sure. I've been making an effort to go to some voice meetings on the AA Discord server as well. It's been nice getting back into the swing of things. I'm spending a fair bit of time chatting on Discord on non-gaming servers. Seems to be an easy way to spend some time. Signing off. 🙂

Day 2. I was pretty blessed with a calm, chill day yesterday. Spent a lot of it outside just hanging out, intermittently praying, meditating, and chatting on Discord. I also wrote in my personal journal, read the daily reflection in Twenty-Four Hours a Day, and cooked a spaghetti dinner for my dad and I. Though it is day 2 of no gaming, I did not relapse in drinking (or use any drugs) so my sobriety day for my alcoholism did not change (May 23, 2016). There's an AA Discord server that's been really good over the past few years that I like to chat on/go to meetings on. Lots of folks to talk to at most hours of the day. I spent most of the summer inside, gaming a lot, so I'm enjoying getting outside for the tail-end of the season. It's good to see @wheatbiscuit and a few others still active on the forums. Though it's less immediate than chatting on a Discord server, I think the slower pace and more thoughtful nature of writing forum posts has its merits. You can take your time to organize and express your thoughts more, I find. I tried to reset my PC to clear off all the games a couple times, but it failed both. I ended up having to manually uninstall all the games on it. Originally I bought my PC to game and to try out a Linux distro. I might just remove Windows and make it a dedicated Linux box, likely a distro that doesn't support gaming as much. Or set it up as a dual-boot machine so I can have all three environments: MacOS, Linux, and Windows. We'll see. Maybe when I am more secure in my gaming sobriety I'll try my hand at development again. I did go to school for it back in the early part of the decade. There's been a couple butterflies that have been hanging out in the backyard a lot yesterday and today. White in colour, floating about the weed garden we have and the proper gardens of our back fence neighbours. And the crows and magpies have been slowly picking away at the cherries in our cherry tree. A nice cool breeze while I hang out in the shade, clear skies. It's pretty nice out here at the moment. I'll leave it there for now. Until the next one!

Hey everyone. I ended up relapsing a couple times since last writing in this public journal. A grand experiment to see if I could game moderately, which (surprise!) didn't really pan out. As I type this, I only have one sleep between the last time I gamed and now, despite the session lasting less than half an hour. Being shoved into a steep depression after being heavily medicated for a manic episode. A lack of diligence in maintaining my spiritual condition. A longing for community and a sense of purpose, progression in life. A lack of serious consideration to the long-term repercussions to gaming. Recognizing all these things, I believe I have a rough idea of the circumstances that lead up to my relapsing. This past week, gaming's lost a lot of its appeal and lustre. It feels like some of the ground work I've been working on with an addictions counselor has started to yield results. I've been following her suggestions to expand the daily activities in my life. Connecting with friends, going to AA meetings, and getting more physically active. When I was working with Cam, he had me do much of the same thing, as well as trying out new things to broaden my interests, get out of my shell. When I take the time to connect with God, He's still there. I have been finding more time to do so as a result of gaming less, and making it a priority in my life. His presence provides great solace and comfort. I am glad that my relapse did not sever my awareness of my connection with Him. It's a subtle thing these days. A quiet assurance in my heart. I have a Japan trip planned for October with some friends. I am looking forward to eating lots of delicious food and making memories with the gang. And maybe buying a new knife 😄. I have been revisiting some Pimsleur lessons to learn Japanese; I hope to have at least basic phrases for getting around when we get there. I'm not sure how frequent I will be with these journal entries. I'd like to get it going again, and perhaps keep to it a little longer this time. I think part of why I relapsed was lack of community around recovery from gaming specifically. Hopefully as time goes on I won't lose sight of that. Glad to see some familiar users are still active on the forums. Later days!

I barely post on here, so I wouldn't be a good yardstick for the community in general. I'm a random on the internet, if my words are enough to push you away after you've been journaling here for literal years, you're giving them a lot of power over your own well-being. Either that or you're simply using them as an excuse to disconnect yourself from a community that seems to have been a place where you felt welcomed enough to share openly and honestly about where you're at. If my response seemed insensitive, it was not intended to be. I come from the viewpoint that I have warped my relationship with video games to the point that going back to playing them would be a very dumb idea. That's where I'm coming from, and if I had reached the point where you are now someday, I'd want people to call me out on it. For me, that's compassion and understanding. Saying, roughly, "Hey, that thing that was hurting you a lot, you want to go back to that, really? That's a bad idea." Still, it is ultimately your own journey. I'm not super active on either the forums or the Discord these days, so even if you find my words irritating or disheartening, you won't be subject to them very often. Good luck to you.

There's a chapter in the basic text for another recovery program that describes the subtle insanity that is addiction. I will paraphrase here: "The idea that somehow, someday he will enjoy and control his (addiction) is the great obsession of every abnormal (gamer). The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death." If you are truly able to moderate and believe that the value of playing with that kind of fire is worth it, and believe that the arbitrary rules you have set on it will stop you from going down the all-familiar path, then I suppose this will message will be just another warning for other people to read. You even put warnings around your text and told people of the inherent danger and folly of what you are describing. Yet, you felt compelled to do it anyway. And you decided to cut out internet usage including what I'm going to assume is this forum, which I believe at its best serves as an accountability tool. It seems to me a recipe for disaster, and a good example of rationalization written in a forum post if it turns out badly. How can you call yourself in recovery from an addiction if you're actively using the thing you were addicted to? That's pretty wild. It is, ultimately, your decision, and while I might find it extremely questionable and irrational given the context of video game addiction, I'm just another random on the internet.

Take my opinion as just that, an opinion, but I think it would be pretty dumb to partake in something heavily video game adjacent, even if your intentions are good, this early on in your sobriety. Not an exact and fair comparison, but it might be like going to a wine tasting event as someone who just recently admitted they were alcoholic, who... works as a server/waiter or something. Yeah, you technically aren't drinking and are supposed to spit out the wine after you taste it. But do you really want to get that close to the thing that's been killing you spiritually, mentally, physically, when you're barely starting out this new path? As for resources either way, I'm not sure of any. Ultimately it's your decision.

Relieve me of the bondage of self, so I may better do Thy will. For some reason this comes up for me when I read your journal entry. Perhaps it might be helpful for you, I don't know. Often, the restrictions we chaff against are opportunities to practice good virtue, whether that be patience, diligence, prudence, or simply cultivating the ability to accept situations as they are. I suppose it could also be an opportunity, when we have set our own house into something approximating order, to speak candidly about the tyranny we might find ourselves exposed to. Anyway, back to lurking. Hope you all have a good day, internet strangers! ❤️

It's been some time since I've written in this public journal. I am writing this post as a more concrete break/finish for the thread. I am doing well. September was a regression in terms of physical activity, though I kept up most of the other things I wanted to do. I started a new position at an Irish pub that is walking distance from where I live, so I don't have to get up as early to get to work. The food is also much more interesting to make, and we do a lot of stuff in house, so I feel more accomplished and engaged as a cook. So far I've gotten along well with my co-workers, and the owner is quite nice as well. He has a thick Irish brogue though, so sometimes it's difficult to understand what he's saying. I am working through another set of steps (AA) with the men's group that meets on Sunday, even though I haven't been able to attend a meeting in a couple months. I've really connected with the work, and it's been exciting and uplifting revisiting the literature. I've been writing in a journal that incorporates a gratitude list/positive affirmation, as well as writing out more free form entries. I went to yoga last week and felt connected and serene throughout the practice, which was a great gift. I have been more consistent in meditation, and my prayers in the morning and the evening have been a steady practice. I have written out a vision/goal of where I want to be, mentally, spiritually, and physically, following a suggestion from a book I read. I have been more consistent with reading as well, actually. I also started taking cold showers. Some of the members of my Healthy Gamer coaching group had enthused about the benefits, so I gave it a shot. It's not nearly as uncomfortable as I thought it would be, and I've stuck to it for about 2 weeks now. Definitely wakes you up in the morning, hehe. I think it's helping build discipline, which is something I've thought more about incorporating into my day to day. It's one thing to dream about being a certain way, I think it's different working on it daily, no matter how small the steps are. So, I'll keep aiming upwards. I have a more tangible vision of where I'd like to go, internally anyway. I'm putting in the work day to day, sometimes a lot, sometimes a little. The sun is peaking out, so I'm going to head out to a coffee shop to read, and write out some more personal thoughts/reflections that are between me and God. I'll likely lurk on here every now and again. I wish you all the best in your own journey.

Wednesday journal on Thursday morning. I was feeling irritable after work. Nothing in particular happened to cause it, I believe I was just tired. The day itself was fairly uneventful. We postponed the barbecue we had planned for another day since a couple of our friends couldn't make it. Since I was tired and grumpy, I did not go for my workout and opted to go to bed early instead. It's the first time I've missed a workout since starting up again at the gym. I'm not overly concerned, and accept what happened. If it becomes a habitual thing I'll address it. One Thing That Went Well Today: I did not lash out when I was feeling irritable. Gratitude: I am grateful for the sound of rain. I am grateful for the fall. I am grateful for comfy clothes. Reading: Yes.

Monday + Tuesday journal on Wednesday morning. It was my two days off. I wanted to and ended up taking it fairly easy to relax. Though, I still attended to the household chores that needed to be done, and I went for my workout on Monday. I also finished reading the Obstacle is the Way, and now have a few different books to choose from to read. I treated myself on both days to some good food. I also spent a decent amount of time watching YouTube shorts and some comedy shows. On Tuesday, I called up one of my longstanding friends to spend some one on one time, so I spent the latter half of the day talking and hanging out with him. We went for coffee and dinner, and spent some time at both of our houses. I have had a longstanding intention of going to my old workplace, vivo Ristorante, to reconnect and talk with them, make amends for essentially disappearing on them over seven years ago. I had worked there for five and a half years before going to BC for treatment for my alcoholism. So, when my friend jokingly suggested it as the place to go for dinner, I told him about my intention and we decided on going there. He was the one who worked there before I did and was my reference to get the job. As I suspected, most of the staff that I knew/worked with had left, however the owners/partners and a couple of the career servers still worked there. Though he didn't serve us, one of those servers who originally started with the restaurant was there and recognized me. We were glad to see each other and caught up a bit. The manager on duty also came to talk to my friend and I, and chatted about a bunch of the people I used to work with and caught me up on who was still around. He was a younger guy, and really nice to talk to. I had hoped to catch one of the owner/partners to make the amend, however they had already gone home for the day. I'll have to catch them another time. The manager gave us the friends and family discount, which was very decent of him. And the food was, of course, delicious. I enjoyed the conversations with my friend. We reached that depth that helps build that connection with each other. We've known each other since kindergarten, over 25 years, and we have been really close at various periods in our lives. We spent a lot of time playing video games together. He does not try to pressure me to come game with him, however. He still wants to spend time together, and suggested movie watching via Discord as an alternative for the low-commitment hangout activity, which sounds like a fun idea. 110 days no gaming today. Things are going well. I feel like I can hold myself accountable without beating myself up. I'm feeling more settled in at work. Emotionally I'm pretty stable. My awareness is growing. I've been consistent with daily practices. There are some things I'd still like to put more attention and energy to, such as studying for the driver's knowledge test, exploring more school options, and incorporating more dedicated mindfulness time into my routine. I think Cam's suggestion of planning a day/chunk of time to focus on some of the "administration" tasks will be helpful. Overall, I'd say I am happy with where I'm at and hopeful for the future. That isn't to say that I want to stagnate since things are going well, I firmly believe that growth is a valuable thing to strive for. It's enjoyable to be in this state at the moment, is all. Even though I can slip into some negative thought patterns, feel self-doubt and insecurity creep up, and it feels shitty when it's happening, there isn't that sense of a mad scramble, of being overwhelmed. I can ride it out and be curious about where it's coming from, accept it for what it is. Out of time! Signing off. One Thing That Went Well Today: I feel rested after my days off. Gratitude: I am grateful for self-compassion. I am grateful for quality conversations with people I care about. I am grateful for the warm love I feel when I cuddle with my dog. Reading: Yes.

Sunday journal on Monday morning, posted on Tuesday because apparently it didn't post 🙃 It was a good, short day at work. I went over to my cousin's place after for Chinese food and a movie (Event Horizon). My morning was pretty relaxed too, watered the plants, took the dog for a walk, and read some of my book. One Thing That Went Well Today: Chinese food was good! Gratitude: I am grateful for music. I am grateful for the people in my life. I am grateful for coffee. Reading: Yes.

Saturday journal on Sunday. I went to Iconoclast, my favourite coffee shop, in the morning to enjoy an Americano, a sandwich, and read, since I noticed I hadn't made time for that lately. Work was steady. My mom and her boyfriend left on a trip to the south of the province, so it's just me and the dog for a few days. I'll have to water the plants and take the dog for a walk now. I ended up being super hungry when I got home, despite having ate occasionally during my shift, so I ate a bunch of random stuff that we had in the house. It was pretty well all healthy, just a higher volume than normal. After eating I just went to bed. One Thing That Went Well Today: Service went smoothly at work. Gratitude: I am grateful for my ability to persevere through hardship. I am grateful for cool sunrises. I am grateful for the refreshing coolness of the air this morning. Reading: Yes.

Friday journal on Saturday. Work went alright. The soups weren't quite ready for the right time for lunch service, but with some help we managed to get them all ready. I went for a workout despite feeling tired from work. There was also a night market on near the gym, so I walked through to check it out. Mostly stuff I wasn't interested in, except for a filipino BBQ food truck. However, there was a long line and I wasn't terribly hungry, so I opted to just walk back home. When I got home I went to sleep. I also got a raise at work today. They had originally said that it would be after a 3 month probationary period that we would discuss that, but they just went ahead and gave it to me since they are happy with how I'm progressing. Pretty cool. One Thing That Went Well Today: I went for a workout even though I didn't feel like it. Gratitude: I am grateful for refreshing water. I am grateful for self-compassion. I am grateful for room for growth. Reading: No.

Thursday journal on Friday. Work went alright. I mostly rested afterwards, including an hour and a half nap. I also went on a walk in the evening. I made some tea for my mom, her boyfriend and I. I can't think of much else to write this morning, and that's okay. One Thing That Went Well Today: I had a nice evening walk. Gratitude: I am grateful for my mind. I am grateful for my body. I am grateful for my spirit. Reading: No.