Pochatok Posted April 22 Author Share Posted April 22 Day 2 and 3 done. Still going well- stronger urges today, but simply thinking about it is a reminder that what I seek is love and compassion. Pornography never grants me those things. The urges are the strongest when I seem to be evading the present- in the state of "waiting". Today, I caught my urges peaking as I was waiting for lunch hour to begin. Why..? I don't even eat during lunchtime- I operate on my own schedule. Either way, any escapism desires are manifesting strongest in pornography these days- what I want to resort to, instead, is mindfulness- awareness, acceptance, and follow-through w/ the struggles and pains that drive my escapism. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pochatok Posted April 24 Author Share Posted April 24 Day 4 and 5 behind- excited to keep moving (on). Urges more significant today- I am a bit exhausted, and yet am not providing myself space of rest. I will continue to build the free world I want to live in. I can't stop, I don't want to escape and distract (again). If not now, when? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pochatok Posted April 26 Author Share Posted April 26 Day 5 and 6 behind - excited to begin seeing a significant continuity here. Right now, with all that's going on around the world (and US in particular), it's been light and easy, keeping myself away from escapist tactics. Yes, I am stressed, but because of how different the source and quality of stress is, I'm dealing with it differently. Simultaneously, I'm continuing to create habits that foster my spirituality. Crucially, however, I am still not working towards my passions. And I want to, dearly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pochatok Posted April 28 Author Share Posted April 28 Day 7 behind- a full week. Has not happened in a while, but I will keep this going. Proud of myself for changing so much. Dealing w/ a lot of personal hardships, but keeping together w/ some good habits- picking my face less, no gaming, etc.. I do want to acknowledge that social media and emotional distress took the place. Emotional distress seems to be addictive- it's comforting to feel sad and powerless, to me. So, gotta keep true to my discipline- exercise, ice shower, journaling, and planning my day out. Most importantly, not forgetting that God (future me) is always by my side. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pochatok Posted April 28 Author Share Posted April 28 Day 0 - a light, but still a relapse. It's all or nothing for this counter. However, this is not the sole measure of my growth. What matters is the change between the times the clock resets. Been in a very difficult place emotionally this whole week, seem to be struggling a lot with getting things done. Sleep deprivation due to work does not help much either, sadly. But, I will continue to strive for my best. There is no excuse not to do that- I want myself to be well. I want myself to be happy. I can't get there through relapsing and escaping in other ways. I must continue to meet myself where I am. Be kind ❤️ 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pochatok Posted April 29 Author Share Posted April 29 (edited) Day 1 - not relapsing today. I definitely need to back up my commitment w/ some reading- so I will read what I am already reading, just more. Caught myself wanting to order a new book... but no- there is no point! I have gotten so many to read through, already. Today, it is so important to take the time to re-learn focus. Last two weeks have been an increasing disarray, due to a variety of circumstances. Time to do better. Po Edited April 29 by Pochatok 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pochatok Posted Thursday at 05:25 PM Author Share Posted Thursday at 05:25 PM Day 4. Still going well. My addiction now causes disgust, rather than complacency. glad to be here. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wheatbiscuit Posted Friday at 01:54 AM Share Posted Friday at 01:54 AM (edited) 8 hours ago, Pochatok said: Day 4. Still going well. My addiction now causes disgust, rather than complacency. glad to be here. I read once of a 'successful' mindset that we should consider ourselves as all the same (and with the same 24 hours per day). When I went to a theatre drama last weekend, I tried to imagine that I had no more unique energy than the actors and actresses, or vice versa. I scared myself for a bit then, thinking that they had to be taking drugs or something between their appearances on stage. That's probably more wrong as it remains much more of a guess than the things I've read about pornographic actresses (and actors, perhaps) going through to produce what has been out there for anyone to use at a whim. I think of the seemingly mere 10-20% of my day that I feel really unified and benevolent towards everyone I come across compared to simply feeling 'switched on' or 'of use' all of the time - but rarely my concentrated self. Which of them is right? Maybe I've just forgotten in the just 1-2 weeks I've felt under the weather how to get through the day, and after 3 weeks without gaming again. (Hey, Po, well done) 🫣 Edited Friday at 01:56 AM by wheatbiscuit grammar Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pochatok Posted Friday at 11:59 PM Author Share Posted Friday at 11:59 PM 21 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said: I read once of a 'successful' mindset that we should consider ourselves as all the same (and with the same 24 hours per day). When I went to a theatre drama last weekend, I tried to imagine that I had no more unique energy than the actors and actresses, or vice versa. I scared myself for a bit then, thinking that they had to be taking drugs or something between their appearances on stage. Imo, that is the myth of meritocracy, and quite plainly so. yes, we exist within the same temporality, but our privileges and abilities and experiences create differences that at times may be impassable. such a statement ignores disability, race, gender, and many other identity-based systems of separation and oppression. yes, a lot of things are technically possible for you . but that does not necessarily mean you actually can do those things. we all need to look to our strengths, and continuously work towards personal and collective liberation, cuz that's the only way towards actually becoming more 'all the same'. ❤️ 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pochatok Posted Saturday at 12:02 AM Author Share Posted Saturday at 12:02 AM 22 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said: ere 10-20% of my day that I feel really unified and benevolent towards everyone I come across compared to simply feeling 'switched on' or 'of use' all of the time hey! imo, that's you simply being hard on yourself. people who appear at 100% simply don't criticize themselves. that's literally all it takes. it doesn't mean they're doing any better performance-wise. but they definitely appear although they are. i've been in that 10-20% the whole evening today. it has sucked. but as soon as i wrote the statement above, i felt ignited to do the right thing again. have you read 'courage to be disliked'? may be of help to you ❤️ 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pochatok Posted Sunday at 11:48 PM Author Share Posted Sunday at 11:48 PM Day 7. urges present, but i persist b/c i remember who i want to be. i want the world to be free, and i will not ever achieve that vision w/out liberating myself. so, no relapsing today, and tomorrow me will return to this commitment. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wheatbiscuit Posted Monday at 02:35 AM Share Posted Monday at 02:35 AM (edited) On 5/4/2024 at 10:02 AM, Pochatok said: have you read 'courage to be disliked'? may be of help to you ❤️ Found it today; it reads like inner dialogue, and while I do some of that alone (a recent post in my journal), it has already seemed to confirm the 'pay attention/take responsibility' for your world bit. EDIT: The 'philosopher' tells the 'youth' he is wrong on page 102, after earlier telling him not to do that; instead to tell someone that their point is illogical, not the person themselves. I feel righteous indignation! 🥲 That's good, but I've right away thought of the other day I tried to calmly direct a bicycle-rider's attention to traffic as he crossed the road with my hands and eye contact, instead of yelling, "Hey, cyclist! Watch your right side!" He noticed, but almost too late. (Side note, I walked too brazenly in the rain last week and was surprised how quickly my pedestrian lights turned red while crossing, and earned a bike/car horn - nobody proceeded until I'd crossed though. :X) When it's a seemingly small matter, people (even me) don't always appreciate those louder calls. But small things do matter in happiness. I remember when competitive gaming that every interaction was very important to me, and conversations I had kept me up for about an hour every night. It's hard to maintain that offline, when the default instinct for many (like me, again) is to relax. But ideally, I would also respond well again to demands that I focus, throughout the day. If that road traffic situation had ended up going very badly, would the cyclist have died happy? - You know, because he was possibly feeling confident enough to take the odd risk. I mean, dang. lol Godspeed Po 🙂 Edited yesterday at 06:33 AM by wheatbiscuit details 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pochatok Posted 16 hours ago Author Share Posted 16 hours ago Brief update: day 9. writing this after some significant struggle- about 30mins lost to some escapism. not sure where it came from, not sure why i needed it. i am not sure what it is i am running from- and i want to find out. i'll sit through it next time it's around. i don't want to dissociate. this world is too precious, and nothing i can really take for granted. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wheatbiscuit Posted 14 hours ago Share Posted 14 hours ago (edited) 5 hours ago, Pochatok said: Brief update: day 9. writing this after some significant struggle- about 30mins lost to some escapism. not sure where it came from, not sure why i needed it. i am not sure what it is i am running from- and i want to find out. i'll sit through it next time it's around. i don't want to dissociate. this world is too precious, and nothing i can really take for granted. According to Adlerian psychology, it's just from interpersonal relationships, isn't it? Which one(s) do you think? 🫠 EDIT: Whilst that is almost exactly what I'd say to a friend (or comrade?) at moments of busy-mindedness (had they recommended me something to read that was changing their life positively and was half of the reason that I felt busy!), I'm sorry if that's too short or brief. This forum should have a more formal edge to it than instant-messaging or offline 'chit-chat'. 9 days, wicked! Edited 10 hours ago by wheatbiscuit Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now