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Ending the Loop


Pochatok
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DAY 18

Yesterday went pretty well overall, even though I had to postpone my trip to Chicago to today. I had some strong urges to game, even installed the game, but ended up keeping myself so busy I couldn't find time to actually play. For the next 12 days, I'll have no access to any type of gaming so yay! The urges have been strong overall lately, this should help reduce them. 

Things I am grateful for from yesterday:

  • Playing joking hazard with friends, again
  • Being busy
  • Cleaning up my physical and virtual spaces
  • Resisting a lot of urges
  • Staying positive 🙂
  • Hanging out and talking to my dad and other family members. 

No point of making goals for today since I'm journaling at 9pm, so instead...

Things I am grateful for from today:

  • Safe and quick trip to Chicago
  • NAKED protein shakes yum
  • Relationships
  • Finishing Season 2 of the Boys, yehaaw
  • not forgetting anything besides money for the trip lol
  • my partner 🙂

Have a good rest of the week everyone, hope you are doing well!

Po

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DAY 19

Miss people stopping by over here, but at the same time I reduced my own presence here by a lot because I am living with my gf again, and that has been fun but time consuming the last two days. Either way, hope to start getting productive again soon, and be more active here as well 🙂

Things I am grateful for, today:

  1. Being with my partner, I missed her a lot
  2. My new haircut
  3. Gamequitters
  4. My lack of productivity. It's good to just allow myself to not be productive in usual ways- after all, I spend all that time making someone happy. That's good, I like to think heh
  5. Board games!
  6. Reading in Russian
  7. Breathing fresh evening air
  8. Dim blue lights
  9. Art masterclasses
  10. great food

Goals for tomorrow:

  1. Be productive, but in different ways
  2. Spend plenty of time with my partner
  3. Check in with family
  4. Read and learn!
  5. Don't let my urges control me, that never lets to good things. Let my urges guide me towards a conscious choice, nothing more.

Have a good day, everyone reading this!

 

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Congratulations on getting back with your partner! Also I'm excited for you to be more active here again but come here whenever you want, we'll be here!

 

Best 

Jason

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NOooooooo I missed an entry!

First then, I shall do an entry for yesterday:

DAY20

Today was fairly fun, even though there were quite a few things I didn't get to complete.

Grateful for:

  • Walk to the Michigan Lake beach
  • Crab Rangoons
  • Other awesome food
  • Grey's Anatomy is fun

Things that sucked:

  • Not getting a lot of stuff done
  • Being on social media quite a bit, looking up all that gaming stuff.
  • Getting frustrated with art

Showerthought: Global warming is too real this year

I shall journal about today once it has mostly passed. Have a good Thursday everyone!

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Day 21

Slowly catching up. Monday and Tuesday I was very tired ad just overwhelmed with things, Wednesday I began settling into the usual routine, and today was fairly good in terms of getting stuff done. Still have lots more to do, but I do enjoy allowing myself to get behind and just enjoy life for once, even though it feels like I can not afford it. I can, I really hope so.

Things I am grateful for today:

  • Living with my partner 
  • Making Art
  • Practicing trombone, even though it is not very fun. I love music
  • Being outside, even though I didn't catch sunlight
  • Talking to people
  • Zoom connection being very fine today

Things that I'm unhappy about:

  1. Me wasting time on social media when I could have been doing so many other things
  2. Getting into arguments with my partner
  3. Lack of exercise
  4. Overeating
  5. Watching too much TV.

I hope that tomorrow will be more balanced overall; I want to feel accomplished both in personal, social, and academic aspects. I also hope to resume making presents for the people I love 🙂

Have a good weekend everyone, and stay away from those Cyberpunk 2077 news heh

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Day 22

Today was very productive and I overall enjoyed it, though need to hold myself more in check with social media. I should read something inspirational I suppose.

Grateful for:

  • Bubble Bath
  • Mushroom Soup
  • Embroidery
  • My lacking social skills
  • Making art
  • The 10 people who liked my post on Instagram

Goals for tomorrow:

  • Be productive
  • Stay away from gaming social media
  • Make presents for loved ones 🙂
  • Read stuff to help myself stay away from relapsing in games and porn
  • Be kind

Have a good Saturday everyone, hope you are doing well!

Po

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DAy 23:

Today was very lengthy. Still up looking at a bunch of games all the time. I think the reason I am unable to get rid of this habit is the lack of time I give it. I should read more! Also, relapsed with porn, but it only reminded me how sad and unappealing I find it all now. Porn is just not for me anymore. 

Good things from today:

  • I drew a lot, that feels good
  • Read a bit. I love reading
  • Worked on a gift for my partner
  • Stayed Hydrated
  • went outside when it was raining. 

Things I want to do tomorrow:

  1. Read more
  2. Eat healthy
  3. Drink water healthy
  4. Study German
  5. Try recording with GarageBand? Make music!
  6. Be kind and loving. Don't just spend time of others, take care of them

Have a good Sunday peeple!

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This entry reminded me how we grow out of habits. For example, i used to love arts and crafts and now i don't really do it. Realized if that's the case we can grow out of gaming! 
 

So thank you 

 

Jason

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On 12/12/2020 at 11:05 PM, Jason70 said:

This entry reminded me how we grow out of habits. For example, i used to love arts and crafts and now i don't really do it. Realized if that's the case we can grow out of gaming! 
 

So thank you 

 

Jason

Haha you are welcome! I am very much analytical, which is both rewarding and harmful, when it comes to change of habits/patters in my lifestyle. I think I am growing out of porn because I am living with my partner, and so am more socially active and have less privacy at the same time. With social media, I simply turned it into a source of inspiration for my other passions, by following artists and musicians that I like. With gaming, uhhh... I'm just trying not to think about it lol. So far, nothing really replaces gaming to me as an activity, although I am happy with how things are.

Alrighhttttt, sorry for such a wall of text!

Day 24!

Today was very long, but in a good way. I learned a lot of things, and got a lot done as well. Tried out Garage Band, made me very happy and excited hehe.

Good things:

  • My partner
  • Embroidery is going okay!
  • Drawing has been super fun, even though challenging
  • Weather is nice
  • Dim Sum is Yum Yum
  • pets are adorable

Tomorrow I want to continue learning painting, and be on time with all of my meetings and other stuff on the to-do list. 

Have a good week everyone, let's try to start it well!

Po

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It's day 25 and also my 100th post on here, yay yay! The last few days have been long and wild, but mostly in good ways. I drew for maybe 4 hours today, and most of it was very productive and enjoyable. Not feeling like I am improving all that much currently, so I will take some time to learn before getting to painting tomorrow. 

Showerthought: What would be the name of the baby if the parents were jam and jelly? 

Thankful for:

  • Painting
  • Getting shit done
  • Not relapsing with porn
  • Spending good time with my partner
  • Food
  • Reading as a way to lessen stress(instead of watching porn)
  • My neck hurting grrrrr
  • Garage Band

Tomorrow I wish to:

  1. Learn how to paint landscapes more- focus on atmospherics. 
  2. Do more Garage Band
  3. Be on top of my work 
  4. Spend quality time with my partner
  5. Take care of myself physically
  6. Finish presents for a friend 🙂

Have a good Tuesday everyone. You're all awesome 💜

Po

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Day 26!

Can't believe I am so close to a full month on this site. This reminds me: I still have so much improvement to make regardless social media and porn. Today has been much better in those regards, but I am also very inconsistent. I need to find a new source of motivation, and soon grrrr

Other than that, it has been a great day. I got a lot of things done that I am happy about, and am making more and more progress with Garage Band and my personal Journalism Project.

Good things:

  1. Crab Rangoons at 11PM
  2. My partner 🙂
  3. Vacuuming 
  4. Jumping on the stairs. I love jumping. 
  5. Playing Trombone
  6. Making presents for friends
  7. Playing with my partner's kitten.

Have a good Wednesday everyone, and stay safe! 

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Day 27

Today has been still very rough. I relapsed with porn, and gaming-related social media is taking up even more time. Today was very stressful because of that. Yesterday I was very productive, but today has suffered in terms of productivity quite a bit. I still got plenty of things done, but could have done much more. Overall, I am not very happy with today, although I did my best to stay on top of the more important things. 

Things that were good today:

  • Painting. Although my current project is turning out poorly overall, it was a very meaningful process that helped me discover new things.
  • Reading. I've read a lot today, and most of it made me happier.
  • Food. Too salty. Very tasty. Love Ramen.
  • Working out outside on the balcony. Fresh air is life.
  • Watching anime with my partner.
  • Grey's Anatomy being at least somewhat enjoyable lately, though the dialogue is back to adorably awkward. Uhh what a show.
  • Music. Garage Band is such an awesome way to output my creativity. 

Tomorrow I hope to...

  • control myself better, and find ways to help myself effectively
  • learn more art, don't just do art
  • be productive with the meetings I will conduct
  • stay on top of emails and small responsibilities 
  • send some nice pictures to my grandparents while they are still alive. My grandma is very sick all of the sudden, who knows how much more time she has here.
  • be kind, be aware and learn from my mistakes/my bias/my successes. Be metacognitive.

Have a good Thursday everyone(wow it's thursday already)

@YasnoSolnishko I see you >:)

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Journal Entry for Day 29

Missed a day yesterday. Was a somewhat productive day, I had quite a few issues with porn that persisted into today. I need to find a way to care about the benefits of free-porn life more somehow. Right not there is not enough motivation to quit. Very annoying, but I will find a way to make things better!

Besides that, yesterday was somewhat eventful. I had some meetings online, and went shopping with my partner. I started a new painting, discovered a few internships for the summer(I'm so excited for that!), and did a lot more stuff with GarageBand, which I simply LOVE.

Corny Wisdom of the Day:

  • One of the reasons I often struggle to quit gaming/porn and other things is not because I am not passionate about other things in my life; I am simply not passionate enough. Finding daily sources of inspiration helps greatly.  So for painting I browse Artstation, for music- Youtube and talk to fellow musicians, etc.. Finding more joy in the real world helps, and when I can't, I simply watch some inspirational movies, or read cool success stories that remind that I am, too, enough, and that I can, too, succeed at whatever I want to succeed at 🙂
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2 hours ago, Pochatok said:

Corny Wisdom of the Day:

  • One of the reasons I often struggle to quit gaming/porn and other things is not because I am not passionate about other things in my life; I am simply not passionate enough. Finding daily sources of inspiration helps greatly.  So for painting I browse Artstation, for music- Youtube and talk to fellow musicians, etc.. Finding more joy in the real world helps, and when I can't, I simply watch some inspirational movies, or read cool success stories that remind that I am, too, enough, and that I can, too, succeed at whatever I want to succeed at 🙂

Is that corny? If so, I'm all ears.

This is actually very good advice and a good reminder for myself to focus more on developing habits to replace the bad ones I don't like. I struggle with this alot. Thank you!

----

OOOH YOUR PROFILE PIC!!! I DIDN'T NOTICE!!!

Edited by DaBest
I get it now.
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5 hours ago, Pochatok said:

One of the reasons I often struggle to quit gaming/porn and other things is not because I am not passionate about other things in my life; I am simply not passionate enough. Finding daily sources of inspiration helps greatly.  So for painting I browse Artstation, for music- Youtube and talk to fellow musicians, etc.. Finding more joy in the real world helps, and when I can't, I simply watch some inspirational movies, or read cool success stories that remind that I am, too, enough, and that I can, too, succeed at whatever I want to succeed at 🙂

this isnt really corny for me either. in fact i face the same problem. I think all it comes down to, to get the passion, is asking yourself, "would i be willing to make sacrifices to do this?" if the answer is yes, then in my opinion your passionate enough, however if no, then look for other things that may be your passion. Resistance from distractions, determination, perserverance and willpower, I also think are big parts of this too.

I just have been asking myself 

"am I willing to step outside my comfort zone for this?"

Sometimes, what we think what we want to do, isnt what we actually are passionate in and vice versa

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@DaBest Thank you so much! And, my profile pic is just matching my username, which is russian for "cob" haha

Day 30!!!

I am almost a month in babyyyyy~~~ Feels nice, given that I have not played any actual games in a long time nor I desire to; however, that is largely because I have no access to gaming... There are very few games I enjoy playing, and I will have to fight the urge to play once I come back home to my PC. We shall see, but what I can do right now is try to get my good habits up again.

Uhhh porn addiction on the other hand is incredibly annoying. I am definitely more successful than not, but fighting my urges still takes up a lot of concentration and time. I have to find some resources to help me make porn less appealing, and other things- more. 

Other than that, today has been a pretty good day. I installed a second layer of blocking apps for social media since I have been spending more time on that than usual lately, and am looking forward to purchasing a blocking app for my phone, specifically for porn and social media. 

Corny Wisdom of today:

  •  I am often not willing to spend money/time on things that will aid my side in the fight with addictions. I think that lack of will comes not from my lack of motivation, but from a very deep, very subtle dislike of myself. At times, when I am relapsing, I can almost hear a voice say "yay, I'm a failure", and it feels good, almost. A few things have been helping with this: Journaling about how I am important, how I matter to others and how I make/can make the life of other people better works well; however, the one thing I just discovered that helps tremendously(for me, at least) is being more honest and open with family/people who care about me about every time I feel like a "failure". There has not been a time when someone would reaffirm that feeling; rather, they would always provide support and reaffirm my value as a person. Acknowledging my struggle to others helps me acknowledge it to myself. However, there is the issue of people misunderstanding me or not taking me seriously, but oh well, this is already long lol

Good things from today:

  • Practicing trombone actually felt valuable
  • Starting a new painting is fun
  • I began my application for a very awesome internship, this is so exciting!
  • Working out outside brings me joy
  • Showering in cold-ish water
  • Japanese Chocolate
  • Nightlight
  • Kisses

Have a good weekend everyone, thank you for reading, reacting, and replying to this! Keeps me going and caring about this journal and the community 🙂  

Love y'all,

Po

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Day 31

Today there were a lot of reminders about how nice life is. Had breakfast with my gf's parents, and it was very tasty and wholesome. Learned flute together with my partner, and even recorded a small song together. Currently, I am slowly working on my resume for a very awesome summer internship I hope i get into.

Not So Corny(Apparently) Personal Wisdom:

  • Performance anxiety is largely what undermines the performance itself, and not just in music. When I was recording a composition today just to be shared with my family, I kept trying to 'get it perfect' rather than to simply enjoy the music I was making. At last, the recording I decided to submit was the first one, the one I initially found the most imperfect. In that first take, I was simply enjoying the music, not comparing it to anything, not worrying about making it better. So is often with my academic work: my best essays, best test results etc. come when I am enjoying the process, or am trying to, rather than worrying about not doing my best. Somehow, when I am happy or immersed into the process itself rather than the end result, the result is better.

Good things from today:

  1. Duck Soup
  2. Nuts
  3. Uhh nevermind. I did relapse with porn, but for last time I hope! Put up more blocking apps and will put up even more tomorrow if needed.
  4. Making Music
  5. Not doing much art for once
  6. Waking up early and not feeling super tired. It's been awhile for that.

 

Have a good weekend everyone!

Po

 

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Day 32

Past a month worth of journals, wohoo! At the same time, today I relapsed. Honestly, does not feel like a relapse that much. Yes, I have urges to play more, but they are very manageable- I'm currently journaling instead of continuing my game. Today was heavily packed with changes and events. My partner has not been feeling well, partially because we have moved to my house early morning. Only slept for 3 hours within the last 24, can't wait to hit the bed haha. There were definitely some good things today- I went driving again, I got a few family things done, and got to learn more flute which is super exciting! However, currently it feels a bit sad. I'm tired and my partner is still feeling down for good reasons. Hope tomorrow is a better day!

Today's Thinking:

  • I really hate the loop of self-awareness leading to more bias. The more I feel like I find out the ways I tend to think/act, the more confused I become with myself- are my habits the result of my thinking, or is my thinking the result of my habits? For example, I came to believe that I like to cause myself trouble for various reasons, and since have been trying to control and predict my behavior to improve my wellbeing. But then, I've noticed that that belief that I am a troublemaker makes me one even more so. The more aware I am of the fact that I am a "troublemaker", the more I notice and judge all the mistakes/trouble I make, the more of it I make. Feels like a self-fulfilling prophecy that I can not escape by any means. As if every conscious conclusion I come to is manipulated by my subconscious. Bahh I am too tired for this bs. 

GoodNight everyone, hope you start out the week well tomorrow!

Love,

Po

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Day 33!

Like the number 33 a lot for some reason lol. Today I played quite a bit of games, at one point it definitely got too much. My biggest worry is the fact that I have strong urges, even though I am able to resist them well. If I do not figure out a way to deal with them properly anytime soon, I will go coldTurkey again. 

Good things from today:

  • I am getting good at flute! such a nice instrument.
  • I enjoy playing video games, as long as it is regulated
  • I love driving
  • Family is nice
  • Home-made cereal is the best

I am, however, not happy about a few things:

  1. I have not practiced trombone for two days now. 
  2. I have not completed my application for internship. I need to, very soon.
  3. I am behind on my to-do list by two full days on some tasks now. I will have a lot to do tomorrow.

Stay safe and true to yourself everyone,

Po

Edited by Pochatok
oops put my real name instead of nicknameeee
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Day 34. For some reason, I did not feel much happy today. Lots of small irritations throughout the day, but in normal circumstances I would not count them as such. Lots of gaming today(for me)- about an hour or so. While that is not too much on its own, I played games at times when there were other things to do. Fortunately, I have this journal and the awesome community here to always make my last few moments of the day a bit better. Oh, totally forgot about the biggest, baddest of the negatives of today: My grandma has lung cancer, and has had it for awhile but never got tested for it. Hopefully chemotherapy will do its job. 

Some random thought of today:

  • Some individuals in my life have this amazing ability to make me doubt myself, very implicitly and indirectly. And, it's not very much their fault, even though I like to think so. Truth be, I simply lack confidence on my own, and when today one such individual doubted the way I was lofting my bed(quite odd to be honest, but it did work out!), I already was not feeling very sure about it, and they simply let my un-confidence blossom. I tend to think that other people make me feel in a certain way, but often they simply make me aware of my own feelings.

Good things from today:

  • Making a bit of progress with my Music Projects
  • Making more progress on my Internship Application
  • Driving and Shopping. I am getting very comfortable with both now.
  • Playing Blokus. 
  • Making and eating cereal
  • Making and eating an improvised chicken recipe.
  • Moving around furniture in my room. Feels much more spacious now.
  • Not watching porn 🙂
  • My farts were stinky
  • Yes I meant that

 

Have a good Wednesday everyone, thank you to all who read these entries every now and then 🙂

Po

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Day 35. 

Much better with gaming- only 30-40 minutes today, but also much worse with porn- I relapsed, and it was a very unpleasant relapse from start to finish. While I have been improving overall, with relapses taking longer breaks in-between, today was pretty unhappy because of my struggles with self-control. Don't have much time to journal now unfortunately, will finish tomorrow morning!

Stay well everyone,

Po

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Honestly forgot what Happened Wednesday, but can recap Yesterday.

Day 36

Consistently improving with self-control in both porn and gaming. That feels nice. Beginning to become more "productive" again in the way I define it, although there were plenty of good things I did yesterday.

No random wisdom today peeps, head empty.

Good things from yesteday:

  • Did some technical work with a saw, screw, leveler, and a few others. Felt super nice, missed using those simple but genius tools. 
  • I built a shelf nearly from scratch; putting it up was a nightmare due to crappy quality of my wall, but it was very worth it.
  • Cleaning up.
  • Putting Lights outside and Ornaments on the New Year's Tree(I don't celebrate Christmas so I call it that haha). 
  • Playing games a reasonable amount
  • Getting inspired for composition and painting again
  • Driving around and ordering some nice dishes for the family
  • Exercising here and there.

As you can see, yesterday was mostly a good day. Today has started out nice as well- I recorded myself playing some guitar for the first time in forever.

Merry Christmas to those who celebrate it 🙂

Po

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On 12/23/2020 at 12:13 AM, Pochatok said:

I tend to think that other people make me feel in a certain way, but often they simply make me aware of my own feelings.

I noticed that you find it uncomfortable that other people have the power to make you feel different things.

I can understand. This is why we meditate alone in order to re-center ourselves from outside influences.

Denying the affect that other people have on you is an interesting coping strategy. It is also possible to acknowledge their power and your own power and be okay with it.

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@Bird By BirdThank you for your insight, that's a point I haven't considered before. Yes, I think I do like to be in control of my feelings, and get very out of balance when others manage to make me feel in a certain way. It is actually a habit I have not thought much about until right now: years ago, I thought of being in control of my feelings as "strength"- something I liked to posses. As of today, I still have a lot of issues letting my feelings out- I guess I am so much "in control" of them I end up suppressing them. Some deeper feelings, like strong affection, have been especially difficult to provoke in myself. Hmmmm, you really made me think here, thank you very much!

Day 37?

Today was pretty good. Did a full composition, which I am pretty happy about despite all the rough edges it has. It has a feel to it, and that's what I wanted to achieve. Other than that, I am still not doing the things I need to be doing- school and job-related stuff. I have to get on top of that soon. 

Good things from today:

  • Family movie night!
  • Playing board games with sister
  • Cooking and eating
  • Making music
  • Drinking some water. Need to drink more tbh
  • Walking outside. Very cold but also very beautiful
  • Being with my partner. 

Have a good weekend peeps!

Po

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Day 38.

Okay day. I have completed my resume and began doing the cover letter for the internship, and resumed practicing trombone. Sound surprisingly good so far, seems like the break brought some good. However, I played games a bit excessively today; yet every day is an improvement to self control: I tend to stop quicker when I do not feel like playing.

Random Thought of the Day: Now, that I pay more attention to my thought process when I game, I notice so much more easily how my addiction controls me against my will. There is a very clear feeling I experience when I no longer feel like playing games. Sometimes it takes half an hour, sometimes I feel it the moment I launch the game. What addiction does is not suppressing that feeling, but rather tranquilize it: takes away the guilt, for some time. The most difficult action to take yet is not to acknowledge that feeling, but to allow it to blossom into action. Lately, I have been able to notice that feeling much quicker, and take action within ten minutes of my notice. Still a long road to go, but it seems like I am getting to the core issue of the gaming addiction itself: letting that feeling guide me completely should allow me to master self-control, finally. At least I hope so.

Good things from today:

  • Driving, although I almost crashed into someone...
  • Cleaning up. Very meditative. 
  • Walking outside.
  • Feeding chicken
  • Watching Paprika with my partner, although she doesn't like it so far haha.
  • Reading every now and then. I want to read more.
  • Completing my resume! Seems pretty good 😄
  • Snacking on my cereal
  • Pizza!
  • My mom's culinary deliciousness

I intend to journal earlier in the day from now on. Reason: it gives a major happiness and productivity boost, but during the end of the day that boost ends up mostly unused. 

Stay well everyone,

Po

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