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Ending the Loop


Pochatok
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No Games: 65. Have been visiting reddit for small gaming clips about 5 mins/day, but have stopped browsing youtube for gameplay.

The last few days have been rather productive and also pretty happy. I'm so glad that spring is here! I've been doing slightly better academically, although my musicianship is getting less time that it should. I've also been making some good art while working at the school's newspaper, and that is also making my day well.

The worst parts of the last few days have been really significant though: my partner had $2000 stolen from her, and that has pretty much ruined our weekend. At the same time, I am getting really annoyed with porn additction; will probably journal about it later.

In terms of looking ahead, I'm incredibly excited for the interview for my $4.5k internship- if I get it, I won't have to worry about university expenses all of next year. Also, I am very much looking to this Friday. Not sure why, but I'm just looking forward to it. I really appreciate not playing games anymore, and hope to get porn out of my life soon as well.

Hope you are doing okay!

Po

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Hey Po,

Glad you're doin' well.  Definitely think about trying out accountability software to help avoid porn.  I've been fighting porn for years and years, and once I started using this accountability software with my brother, it's felt like a great weight has been taken off my shoulders.  If my addiction was a 9/10 before the software, now it's at a .5/10 as far as difficulty.  Hope this helps.

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On 3/2/2021 at 2:10 PM, Average_Guy said:

Hey Po,

Glad you're doin' well.  Definitely think about trying out accountability software to help avoid porn.  I've been fighting porn for years and years, and once I started using this accountability software with my brother, it's felt like a great weight has been taken off my shoulders.  If my addiction was a 9/10 before the software, now it's at a .5/10 as far as difficulty.  Hope this helps.

Hi @Average_Guy! Thank you for your input, just got around trying Fortify and it does seem pretty awesome- I hope to keep improving in this area until it's as little of a worry as gaming is. 

Today's what, 66th day of no games? Funny, having some urges lately but then every time I actually think of playing that immediately discourages me- it's just such a disconnect from real world, that even when I am not busy I will still likely miss out on something more enjoyable, like going outside for a walk, painting, or making presents for the people I love. Honestly it is just not worth it in any circumstances. Now, just gotta get the same mindset towards porn!

The last few days I've been feeling tired, so not too productive. However, I've accomplished a lot of things lately and would like to recap so I'm not feeling like I sit on my ass all day lol:

  • Had a pretty good interview for my 4.5k summer internship
  • Applied for $1000 worth of funding, hope to get at least $200 out of that : > 
  • Became a member of a Student Gov. Organization at my school
  • Got nominated for a $1000 scholarship (although I soooo doubt I'll get it, it's honestly just not my cup of tea)
  • Have been running at least a mile every day for the last month or so
  • Broke my phone lmao

Okay, that's kind of it, because now I am thinking about all the things that are still hovering over my head: class assignments, job responsibilities, porn addiction, sleep schedule... Let's see what I can fix today though, I'm feeling good about it! 

Hope you rock your Thursday,

Po

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On 3/4/2021 at 11:25 AM, Pochatok said:

Today's what, 66th day of no games? Funny, having some urges lately but then every time I actually think of playing that immediately discourages me- it's just such a disconnect from real world, that even when I am not busy I will still likely miss out on something more enjoyable, like going outside for a walk, painting, or making presents for the people I love. Honestly it is just not worth it in any circumstances. Now, just gotta get the same mindset towards porn!

The last few days I've been feeling tired, so not too productive. However, I've accomplished a lot of things lately and would like to recap so I'm not feeling like I sit on my ass all day lol:

  • Had a pretty good interview for my 4.5k summer internship
  • Applied for $1000 worth of funding, hope to get at least $200 out of that : > 
  • Became a member of a Student Gov. Organization at my school
  • Got nominated for a $1000 scholarship (although I soooo doubt I'll get it, it's honestly just not my cup of tea)
  • Have been running at least a mile every day for the last month or so
  • Broke my phone lmao

Okay, that's kind of it, because now I am thinking about all the things that are still hovering over my head: class assignments, job responsibilities, porn addiction, sleep schedule... Let's see what I can fix today though, I'm feeling good about it! 

Hope you rock your Thursday,

Po

Yeah, games don't allow us to be present in the moment. The reality, in my opinion is that every second of every day, something is happening, and every second you waste it by gaming you've missed your opportunity. I wish you luck on overcoming porn. Never had issues with it myself, so i can't give you advice, but i hope it goes well. Just take it a day at a time. Also congratulations on becoming a member of the student government and i hope you get the internship, and scholarship! Sorry about your phone.

Best 

Jason

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21 hours ago, Jason70 said:

Yeah, games don't allow us to be present in the moment. The reality, in my opinion is that every second of every day, something is happening, and every second you waste it by gaming you've missed your opportunity. I wish you luck on overcoming porn. Never had issues with it myself, so i can't give you advice, but i hope it goes well. Just take it a day at a time. Also congratulations on becoming a member of the student government and i hope you get the internship, and scholarship! Sorry about your phone.

Best 

Jason

Hi Jason, thank you so much for your kind words! Yes, I agree very much- and although I think it's sometimes okay not to be present in the moment (for me, that happens when I am painting as well- I get completely drawn into the activity), gaming also provides little personal benefit besides some simple satisfaction. No one besides me will benefit from playing games, when if I spend time making a painting, it will be something I can share with a lot of people. 

Yes, fingers crossed for all that good money stuff haha, thank you 🙂 

Po

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No Games: 69. Nice. 

Have been having some urges today and yesterday- I think I'm getting really tired of school, and there is a specifically long paper that I need to write that I really am trying to avoid. Gaming is certainly the best way for me to avoid something heh, so that's where the urges are coming from I think 😕

Today has been fairly productive. I've been allowing myself to rest, while also staying more or less focused when I need to be. Finally got started on that long paper, and submitted a bunch of applications for even more grants. Hope to get them- my family is in large need of money at the moment. Other than that, I've been enjoying nice weather and trying to keep my room slightly on the chilly side- it keeps me much more engaged and awake than a warm room. 

Random Thought: filled out a journal entry in advance on how I did not relapse, with details of how my day went and how I prevented myself from relapsing. Basically, pretended to be writing as if the day was already over, and as if it was successful. Seems to be very effective so far- every time an urge appeared, I just read over that journal entry in my head, reminding myself that I "promised" myself to stay strong today. 

Hope you have a great Sunday,

 Po

 

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1 hour ago, Pochatok said:

Have been having some urges today and yesterday- I think I'm getting really tired of school, and there is a specifically long paper that I need to write that I really am trying to avoid. Gaming is certainly the best way for me to avoid something heh, so that's where the urges are coming from I think 😕

I struggle with this too. I think it's gotten harder to enjoy school with this whole virtual learning, covid19 thing. That's why I find the pomodoro technique  so powerful. I work on a bit, like 15 minutes and then i take a 10 minute break, either reading, going for a walk, journaling or just sitting in silence. For me it helps me keep the fact "hey i have this assignment due" in my head, helping me avoid procrastination. This technique is different for everyone though, but i hope it makes online school less of a drag for you. Good luck on overcoming those urges.

Best 

Jason 

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No Games: 71

Honestly, I was super productive Sunday, and today I totally struggled with keeping myself occupied, mainly because there honestly wasn't much on my to-do list. I get very anxious when that happens- I like always having something to do, something to keep me focused. And that's a big issue, largely because I still had a lot of things I could do today, but because there wasn't anything written down I did not keep myself accountable and procrastinated. And it's not like I procrastinated that much, but just lacking overall direction definitely damages my day.

Solution ideas: 

  1.  Work on focus- I get distracted with literally nothing, a thought is enough lol.
  2. Have a list of "general" activities to do when there ain't many- I did that in the 2nd half of the day, but there was not a lot and took me awhile to realize. 
  3. Moar blocking apps for social media! I'm mainly distracted with YouTube, so got "UnDistracted" specifically for that hehe
  4. Uhh also just force myself to take breaks more consciously: right now I'm just taking breaks from work whenever I feel like it. Just did take one now for no reason whatsoever djhfgjhdgf.
  5. Block youtube on my computer! Honestly don't need it that much, and I still can use my Ipad 🙂

Okay, hopefully these will help me get through this week and the Spring Break, because I really need to stay on top of it.

Have a good week y'all!

Po

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No Games: 73

There have been slightly more urges due to me getting more intellectually invested into a certain game. That is, I am thinking of how much fun it would be to think while playing this game, as in order to succeed I'd need some precise calculations and a calm mind. However though, I still do not want to lose any time playing it. This game will only bring benefits to myself, and it's all pretty much satisfaction and excitement. There isn't much else to it. 

Oh, might play some games later tonight with my partner and her friend. I doubt this will be in any way triggering, and I won't count it as a relapse as it is solely a social activity and actually has some purpose behind. It will be a good way to connect with people I do not know well and just relax together. 

The Winter Term at my school is coming to an end, and although this week has been coming surprisingly smooth and simple so far, I feel like there will be a sudden surge in business sooner or later. I have to stay focused and work ahead while I can. 

Lastly, my partner has had a pretty rough time, and that is affecting her wellbeing, which is sad for me to see. I'm trying to help where I can, but a lot of the stress she is dealing with is outside of my control. I hope that I am doing everything I can and not any less to make her life a bit better.

Have good Wednesday y'all!!

Po

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On 3/10/2021 at 3:36 PM, Pochatok said:

There have been slightly more urges due to me getting more intellectually invested into a certain game. That is, I am thinking of how much fun it would be to think while playing this game, as in order to succeed I'd need some precise calculations and a calm mind. However though, I still do not want to lose any time playing it. This game will only bring benefits to myself, and it's all pretty much satisfaction and excitement. There isn't much else to it. 

Careful with this. A lot of people start getting antsy near 90 days. If you're only in it for 90 days then I guess you can start thinking about it, but it won't do you any good. If it's a lifestyle you want to get rid of forever, then I advise not ever thinking about it again and quickly thinking about something else. Keep going.

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9 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Careful with this. A lot of people start getting antsy near 90 days. If you're only in it for 90 days then I guess you can start thinking about it, but it won't do you any good. If it's a lifestyle you want to get rid of forever, then I advise not ever thinking about it again and quickly thinking about something else. Keep going.

Yes, thank you so much! This is a very needed reminder heh 🙂 This is certainly a debate for me, which so far has been settling down to "I won't play". I do find games interesting still, but I feel like I no longer experience any long-term desire to play them. That is, my urges usually go away within minutes, rather than hours or days. And, the current process of installing a game is so long, that even if I choose to start it, I will have over an hour to change my mind. 

Although I'm not 100% certain that games are gone from my life forever, I see very few circumstances under which I'd go back:

  • I am so mentally devastated (for whatever reason) that it overwhelms me, and I revert to video games as my old escapism habit.
  • Being in a game-positive/friendly environment for prolonged amounts of time, such as playing games with my friends often or living with people who game a lot. 

Honestly, those are the only ones. The former has been happening recently: I am writing a very difficult, long paper, and it increases my urges to give up on the real world for a bit and just pretend that I exist in a vacuum. The latter appeared this Thursday, I played some games with my friends, and that increased my urges to reinstall games for myself. However, the exposure was not long enough to get those urges strong enough; I am feeling better already. 

So, fingers crossed that I can get to 90 days without either of the circumstances occurring, and after that I hope to be strong enough to keep going no matter what!

Thank you very much for your words @BooksandTrees, it was literally a lifesaver. You made a big impact on my life today 🙂

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2 hours ago, Pochatok said:

Although I'm not 100% certain that games are gone from my life forever, I see very few circumstances under which I'd go back:

  • I am so mentally devastated (for whatever reason) that it overwhelms me, and I revert to video games as my old escapism habit.
  • Being in a game-positive/friendly environment for prolonged amounts of time, such as playing games with my friends often or living with people who game a lot. 

Honestly, those are the only ones. The former has been happening recently: I am writing a very difficult, long paper, and it increases my urges to give up on the real world for a bit and just pretend that I exist in a vacuum. The latter appeared this Thursday, I played some games with my friends, and that increased my urges to reinstall games for myself. However, the exposure was not long enough to get those urges strong enough; I am feeling better already. 

So, fingers crossed that I can get to 90 days without either of the circumstances occurring, and after that I hope to be strong enough to keep going no matter what!

After the 90 days it is your choice if you want to go back or not. We can't decide that for you. If you do decide to go back, you should only play as a downtime, everything else is done activity. Playing from time to time as a form of social means is okay but it's not a good idea to play as a way to escape from whatever problems you're dealing with (mental health in your case). I'm sure you're aware of that but if you do go back after your 90 days I strongly recommend caution, because it can turn back into an addiction. For your mental health, have you tried yoga or meditation? If you have how did it work out? Both of these really help me clear my mind and help me connect with myself. You could also write down your thoughts in a more personal journal. These are all ways that have helped me out of the dark times and if you haven't tried them before, i hope they help you out. 
 

Good luck on getting to the 90 days!

Jason

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On 3/13/2021 at 9:35 PM, Jason70 said:

After the 90 days it is your choice if you want to go back or not. We can't decide that for you. If you do decide to go back, you should only play as a downtime, everything else is done activity. Playing from time to time as a form of social means is okay but it's not a good idea to play as a way to escape from whatever problems you're dealing with (mental health in your case). I'm sure you're aware of that but if you do go back after your 90 days I strongly recommend caution, because it can turn back into an addiction. For your mental health, have you tried yoga or meditation? If you have how did it work out? Both of these really help me clear my mind and help me connect with myself. You could also write down your thoughts in a more personal journal. These are all ways that have helped me out of the dark times and if you haven't tried them before, i hope they help you out. 
 

Good luck on getting to the 90 days!

Jason

Thank you Jason! I totally agree, my perspective on gaming is very similar. No, I have not tried either, but I have my own ways of working on mental health through physical exercise: this year I've spend some time on developing my own exercises and an exercise routine, and it helps me greatly. However, I do need to find ways of getting more quiet time that one gets through meditation- thank you for reminding me of that. It is something I hope to work on next week.

 

 

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Just want to journal as it is day 78, and a few things have happened.

First of all, let's recap the good stuff: I have been dealing very well with porn addiction; have not watched any in over a week (which has not happened to me in many months). Big thanks to @Average_Guyfor your tips, they made a major difference. Additionally, I have been earning much more money than anticipated this term, so that's a relief. Lastly, my grades, personal life, and hobbies are developing nicely. I am feeling accomplished overall. Oh, just one more thing: tomorrow I will bike to a board game store to get myself Root!!! So excited 🙂

Now, the reason I wanted to journal in the first place: professionally, things have been discouraging. I am feeling like last summer again, when a lot of things I applied to turned me away, and I ended up with some lameeee projects. The main issue for me is that I really need money, so I am largely looking out for paid internships. But, given how competitive those are, I did not get in.

This is quite sad to me, given how much time I put into polishing my resume, having high grades, and so on. The doubts are certainly coming in: "does having high grades even matter?", "what if I won't be able to land any jobs in the future?"... But, all I can do is keep trying; there are still quite a few more opportunities I can apply for, and even I do not get any of those, I can find other ways of making money. Hard work does not always pay off, but it nonetheless makes me better and stronger. Maybe next summer I will get the internships I want. But either way, I just have to keep improving, and not give into the doubts that are flooding my head.

Other things: excited for my short break from school! I'll have the opportunity to earn a bit of money, better my chances for getting a $1k internship, and work on a few other fun projects. Although I am not certain that I will not relapse, I am sure that this break will be productive and fun. 

I thank you all and everyone who comments here in my journal, you make a tremendous difference. If I ever get rich and famous (hopefully not lol) I will cite y'all as the reason to my success lol

Have a good week,

Po

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Posted (edited)

Aaaand we're at day 81.

Feels alright. Kinda wanna play since I'm feeling stressed with the environment and daily schedule changes, and, for the first time in almost three months, not going to sleep in the same bed with my partner. I know that this is very much for the best, and that I needed this break, but the initial discomfort is really daunting. If I get through tonight and tomorrow without video games, it will be much easier from there on. Do not want to reset the no gaming clock, I've gone for almost three months now! 

Being honest, not gaming is like THE thing I've been able to sustain for the longest so far. I do not exercise daily, I do not read everyday, yet not playing games every day is turning out to be one of my most persistent goals in 2021.

The last few days have been hectic but good. It seems like I have a good chance of getting lots of money from my university, which means I will be able not only pay off tuition for next year but also afford some traveling with just me and my partner. 

As far as I can tell, I have finished this term well, despite some last-minute setbacks, like getting declined from two of the highest-paying internships I applied for. Overall, life is good. Just gotta earn a bit more money, as always. 

How are you?

Po

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I am sorry you were declined from those internships, that sucks. But I am glad you realized that even with hard work, when we fall, we can bounce back and eventually succeed. I have used him as an example before but Michael Jordan, he failed to make his high school basketball team even after working hard for a chance. He persevered and worked hard again and eventually became one of the best players in the NBA. It's a good thing you realize that just because you fail once or multiple times, it's not over. I wish you luck on the $1k internship and these last few days!

Jason

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Day 84. Oh my lemme tell you how it been...

 

~~~A mindset that helped me avoid relapse~~~

Being home has certainly had an effect on me- this is usually where and when I relapse. However, by Friday that effect began lessening, as I was getting more occupied with other things I wanted and needed to do. My main thought was:

"If I were to play games today, even for 30 minutes, I would have not been able to do [another activity that took up 30 minutes]" 

That helped me a lot, given that I would not have enough time to complete everything I wanted anyways! Waking up every morning, looking over yesterday's to-do list and knowing that I did everything that I could in order to get things done is quite empowering. At the same time, simply imagining waking up and knowing that I decided to game rather than, let's say, walk my dog or chat with my partner puts such an incredible amount of guilt and regret in my head... I do not want to feel it! 

Overall, that mindset- of knowing what I would not be able to do if I were to game (cuz there always is something I could rather do), and imagining the negative feelings I'd experience if I were to relapse- helped greatly, along with some distractions.

 

~~~Activities that helped me avoid relapse~~~

One of such distractions was getting Root the Board Game, and finally getting to play it with my family! I've been spending at least 30 minutes every day looking at playthroughs, thinking of strategies, or re-learning rules (instead of doing the same for videogames). Honestly, I'm experiencing similar excitement and doing similar activities as if this was a videogame, not a board game. However, I am excited not about the game itself but about interacting with others while playing; I am learning the rules so that everyone gets to enjoy the game equally, rather than simply me succeeding; and, I am watching playthroughs because seeing people bond, laugh, and get angry over this game makes me socially happy. Yet when I am watching a playthrough of a videogame, I am always focused on the game itself. 

 

~~~Today's Takeaway~~~

Overall, I think that I will always try to look for leisure activities that resemble games to some extent. But if I take my time to find activities like board games, which make me excited in the same way, I will get a ton of real-life benefits and long-lasting joy, rather than only virtual benefits and joy that is quickly replaced by guilt and regret. Finding things that are actually good for me while also scratching that video game itch I have is probably one of my larger goals at the moment, given how close I am getting to relapse.

Not today though, today I will succeed 🙂 

 

Wish you a better week,

Po

 

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On 3/18/2021 at 8:24 PM, Jason70 said:

I am sorry you were declined from those internships, that sucks. But I am glad you realized that even with hard work, when we fall, we can bounce back and eventually succeed. I have used him as an example before but Michael Jordan, he failed to make his high school basketball team even after working hard for a chance. He persevered and worked hard again and eventually became one of the best players in the NBA. It's a good thing you realize that just because you fail once or multiple times, it's not over. I wish you luck on the $1k internship and these last few days!

Jason

Thank you Jason!

Yes, I totally realize that, it's just I am very impatient: Being a workaholic to an extent, I expect the speed of my personal progress and achievement to be reflected in my professional life. A part of me imagines that "have not played video games for 84 days" or "does 10 pullups every day" should be a bullet point under "other" in my resume. I have too many activities that give me personal value and contribute to me being more successful, but nonetheless do not matter as much to others. 

I realize it's not over, but I still fail to accept defeats easily because of my expectations. Gotta work on that I suppose?

Thank you again,

Po

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Day 87. Urges aren't strong, but totally there. Given that I'm on break, there are more reasons to game compared to me being at school. Still, I have so many things on my list to get done, that playing video games ain't an option. 

The last few days have been a bit meh- it's been raining a lot, and although I looveee rain, it also does have an effect on my mood, and so on my productivity. However, I figured out ways of making my work environment better, finally. I drink water more often, have a desk lamp, and try to move around more. 

Spending so much time with family is exhausting. Observing my parents make simple relationship mistakes is quite sad, and my dad is just sad in general- he is so busy with family he had to pretty much quit his job, again. However, there are lots of good moments too, and as a family we are staying afloat. But when things aren't going well, my parents often do not fix them, or fix them incorrectly. Grrrr. 

Other than that, got some tax refunds! Make me so happy lol. I totally forget about them until the moment it's time to file them again. 

Lastly, have been having much deeper, memorable, and fun dreams lately, so I started a dream journal. I think I want to consider lucid dreaming again, if my sleep schedule will be good. 

Stay strong y'all, there are things out there worth your time so much more than gaming 🙂

Po

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Yeah weather can impact so much! It's honestly interesting when we think about it. Something I do when it rains is read and research a lot, I just find it interesting and a good way to improve your mood. Learning a different perspective or just reading a good story personally makes me start to think deeper and has me focus on that rather than the melancholy rain. The ways you found are good places to start. Water is important for our bodies but makes us feel more productive but somehow gives us a boost in energy? Yeah idk how that works but I swear some days I am tired as shit and then I'll drink water and then I am all energized and feel ready to take on the world. Light is helpful too, i have a lava lamp that makes me calm, and moving around just helps. Sorry things aren't going well at home I hope that problems are fixed soon. For now, try to focus on those good moments. Congrats on the tax refunds, that's good to hear! I'll be honest I have never heard of dream journaling until now or lucid dreaming, sounds interesting though, what exactly are they like? How are they different from normal journaling and just dreaming?

Wishing you the best for the last 3 days

Jason

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Day 88

Don't think I'll relapse anytime soon. Just felt some urges, and given that tomorrow is the last day of break (read as: last day I can possibly relapse), I thought maybe now is a time to install and play for a bit? In order to see how I feel, I went ahead and watched some gameplay of a game I enjoy and... It was completely unappealing. Games have lost their value to me almost completely, and so has porn. Do I feel kind of weird, not being able to get into my older loops of being productive through feeling guilty (I would play games, hate myself, go do something, and play games again; and so on)? 

Yes, I do feel weird. But I also know that once I get through this, I will have more time for things I actually enjoy than ever before. 

Thoughts on the last two days, which have been rather shitty:

Not sure what is causing this, but both today and yesterday I wasted maybe an hour or two just doing worthless leisure activities (today: watching Zombie movie intros). That is not that much time on its own, but I experience such regret and guilt for those activities that for another hour or so I am free of any braincells whatsoever. And that's a bigger problem; it really makes me unhappy.

Thoughts on solutions:

I should try journaling as soon as I feel that guilt. That should calm me, and allow me to be more reasonable while also re-focusing my thoughts back onto a productive, positive track. Besides that, I should try to force myself to perform different activities. Instead of browsing YouTube, go check out my art discord community. Instead checking reddit's front page, go read an art book. Such "replacement" activities are equally relaxing and rewarding, I just do not have a habit of performing them. That's my only plan for now... what do you think? Will it work? Do you know something else I should try?

 

Tomorrow I am getting bubble tea and asian food hehe, so that's something to look forward too for the rest of the day 🙂

Hope you're alright,

Po

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23 hours ago, Jason70 said:

Yeah weather can impact so much! It's honestly interesting when we think about it. Something I do when it rains is read and research a lot, I just find it interesting and a good way to improve your mood. Learning a different perspective or just reading a good story personally makes me start to think deeper and has me focus on that rather than the melancholy rain. The ways you found are good places to start. Water is important for our bodies but makes us feel more productive but somehow gives us a boost in energy? Yeah idk how that works but I swear some days I am tired as shit and then I'll drink water and then I am all energized and feel ready to take on the world. Light is helpful too, i have a lava lamp that makes me calm, and moving around just helps. Sorry things aren't going well at home I hope that problems are fixed soon. For now, try to focus on those good moments. Congrats on the tax refunds, that's good to hear! I'll be honest I have never heard of dream journaling until now or lucid dreaming, sounds interesting though, what exactly are they like? How are they different from normal journaling and just dreaming?

Wishing you the best for the last 3 days

Jason

Hi Jason, thank you for stopping by again!

Thank you, I am trying, somewhat, to drag through these days faster. 

I think it's not simply the water itself that makes me feel better, but the act of drinking it: I often need to get up, leave my room, refill the waterbottle while staring in the mirror, and then come back to my room. That allows me to re-focus and refresh myself. Especially during class, I often fill the waterbottle only 2/3 the way up so I can perform the ritual of refillment more often lol. 

 

Lucid dreaming= just like regular dreams, but you are aware that you are asleep, and so have better memories of your sleep when you wake up and/or are able to be more in control of your dreams. My dad was into it when he was little- he would lucid dream so he could fly around. However, it didn't end well for him: he once got stuck in a dream by flying through a wall and not being able to leave it or wake up. He woke up eventually, but slept until late afternoon I think. However, there are books dedicated to proper lucid dreaming, and many of them outline the importance of dream diaries, which gets me to...

Dream diaries= like regular diaries, but you write about your dreams only. That allows you to remember dreams better, thus bettering your awareness of when you are/not dreaming. They help your brain remember what a dream is, and how it is different from reality. I keep them not because of that specifically, but because during this short break from school my dreams have been far more interesting and enjoyable, and I want not to forget them 🙂

Thanks again Jason!

Po

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DAY 90!!!

Quick reflection:

Well, made it so far! Don't have much to say today; have been trying to be productive but also just not in the mood to be doing a lot of things. Although, I think I should still try to improve my productivity as much as possible. My time is priceless, like anyone else's, and I should use every bit of it in a way that benefits someone. Playing games, watching porn, browsing social media- none of those are beneficial to me or anyone I care about. I might have overcome videogame addiction, but there is still so much more work to be done for me to become the future I seek. 

Gonna go have a shower to celebrate lol, and then eat some chips. Kind of forgot today was day 90 tbh, since it was rather a busy time overall- I moved back to campus. 

Some good things from recent:

  • Bought a new phone for just $150, including the price of the SIM card, screen protector and phone case. Very happy with the purchase, fingers crossed it will last me more than 2 years lol. 
  • Played Root again before leaving- and I won, hehe 🙂 It was a very enjoyable game overall, although both my mom and sister are much more intellectually focused than I am. Excited to play it again on campus sometime.
  • Did a lot of construction work again, and got cuts and blisters all over my hands- although they hurt, I do enjoy having them as a reminder of the work I did lol
  • Got bubble tea and a tasty visit to an Chinese restaurant; visiting those every other month or so feels great- just enough time to forget how much I love the taste of those things. 
  • Have not watched porn for quite a bit. Weirdly enough, it is my dreams that have really altered my perception of it- I just woke up, feeling no urges to watch it whatsoever, and that feeling has persisted since.

That's all I have as of right now. Hope reading this was in some way beneficial to you!

Wish you strength and luck,

Po

 

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Day 92

Quick Reflection on games:

Having minor urges due to school starting up again- I do not engage well with ZOOM university at times. However, that will all be sorted out soon. Can already feel the tons of HW piling on my head. Watching Mr Robot instead of playing videogames is definitely scratching that "relaxation time" itch I have after finishing every class. However, I should definitely time how much I am spending on activities like that. 

Some good things:

  • Like my new phone. Although, just discovered that I could have bought it for $5-30 cheaper, easily. Oh well, lessons learned- official websites always have higher prices. 
  • Liking my classes so far.
  • Learned to use "Notion" to some extent. I like it.
  • Have been on top of my schedule overall

Things I am nervous about:

  • Hearing back from an interview I just had
  • Hearing back from the 3 internships I applied for
  • Being socially active while also not panicking/overreacting lol
  • Finishing the week without getting behind on anything
  • Supporting my partner enough

Random thought:

I think that the higher my heartbeat is, the faster, less though-out my speaking is. I need to work on that; should be the other way around. Always push myself to speak at a comfortable rate, where I am concise and informative rather than pushing out unnecessary words just so my brain can catch up with the thought. Happened during today's interview, and I feel like it could hurt my chances quite a bit. How does your speech change when you are nervous/excited?

Po

 

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