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Ending the Loop


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No Games: 56. Overall, my self-control keeps improving on a weekly basis. Don't really feel urges that much anymore, and when I do it is rather to watch gameplay than to actually play.

The last few days have been rather busy and a bit depressing. Lots of shitty things happening around the world that get overwhelming fairly quickly, and just stressful time of the year in general. Fortunately, it will be soon over, and I still have a lot of things to look forward to every day. 

Hope you all are doing well; keep reminding yourself why you want to quit, and try to come up with more reasons every time! You got this!

Po

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Hi! I am a 20yo(he/him) college student studying English, Art and Music. When I was introduced to my 1st video game- Tanki Online(haha yes very lame)- I was so overwhelmed with it I would play up to 6

No Games: 37. Having urges, but I know I am too busy and can't let it slip. I do want to just sit down and relax for 20-30 minutes, but can not allow that to happen right now. After all, spending some

ALRIGHT LET"S DO IT TODAYYYYY Yesterday I was quite lazy- I got things done but the quality was meh. Finally caught up with my to-do list though, so today I can start fresh yeeeahhh!!  Showe

No Games: 58! So close to sixty u_u --Although, it's honestly easy at this point. Haven't visited a gaming forum all day today 🙂

Overall not that busy, kind of lazy even. I think I'm getting a little bit worn out; hope to be able to push it through the finals (this term is looking not as great as the previous, I really gotta step it up to keep my GPA high)

Other than that, I'm fairly happy. Watching Death Note is interesting, doing drawing and school work is mostly exciting. Have been exercising a bit less, but I'll get on top of it again right now 🙂

Have a good one everyone, remember where you started and how far you've gone!

Po

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No Games: 60! Yay yay.

Funny enough, currently hanging out at an online Video Game Sound Design event. Really don't feel the urge to play right now, but do have an urge to make music for video games. I guess it's time to reflect a bit on what video games have meant and mean to me now...

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Why did I start playing?

 As a child, I was really isolated socially- lacked friends and didn't spend much time with family (for many various reasons, most of which I was too young to have control over). Discovering video games, I think I was attempting to compensate for that social isolation- multiplayer games would draw me in specifically. There was also not much that was more rewarding for me in life than video games just due to my environment. 

Why did I keep playing?

 Circumstances have led me into an endless loop- I felt socially isolated, and so desired to get that social interaction (and other things you cannot get when being lonely) via video games and porn. This would only lead to more social isolation in the long run- and so I would play even more games. There were moments when I would be doing better- when I would be doing well socially; those were rare moments, and I did not understand that if I were to try a bit harder in that direction, I would be able to quit video games and be much happier. Eventually, this loop lead to the creation of other loops, such as normalizing a sequence of "good" and "bad" days- I would allow myself to game for multiple hours every time something good in real life happened. Oh well, look where I'm at now 🙂 

Why was I unable to quit?

I would have valid reasons for quitting- that instead of hanging out with friends or doing things I enjoy I am sending my time into something that will never give me value (and neither will it ever be unavailable to me, unlike making friends or getting hw done on time). However, instead of trying to find more passion and ways of improvement towards things I loved, I simply tried to quit. And it would never work out- for about 2 years I was actively trying to play less or not play at all, but it was like trying to open a bank account while having no money- I was simply tackling things in incorrect order. Had I focused on improving my life first and then quitting, I would be more likely to be successful. Eventually, that did happen- I went to college, and my life got better- I found a partner I've been together for over a year, made some meaningful friendships and overall began to value real life more. And now, I am able to stay away from games- porn is still a WIP tho, I really hate it 😠 

How do I feel now?

I think it would be unfair to say that games were always bad for me- some games helped me gain unique perspectives, develop my passions, and improve problem-solving. I still use video games as a source of inspiration and joy from time to time, without actually playing. I think some videogames are designed with malicious intent- to get the player addicted, to lure them into a loop of some sort. However, other games have no intention but to provide a good time, and educate the player about a thing or two that can be applied to real life- those used to be my favorite games.

And lastly, there is a very small amount of games that focuses on giving the player as much or more than real life value/education as being fun- those are the games I still am keeping in my life in one way or another. They're a positive addition to my everyday life, and I never have urges to play them, because I've learned from them that real world is more important than what they have to offer. Such games are rare for they are self-destructive in a way, and certainly not mainstream- they encourage the player to play less rather than play more. But, they will always have a special place in my heart 😆

------

Alright, that was a long reflection. Big thank you and congratulations if you have managed to read it all, and I hope that you have something to take away from it.

Today has been really fun, I've been more busy and more productive, and that is quite enjoyable. Lots of fun things to do tomorrow, excite excite 🙂

Have a great weekend,

Po

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No Games: 65. Have been visiting reddit for small gaming clips about 5 mins/day, but have stopped browsing youtube for gameplay.

The last few days have been rather productive and also pretty happy. I'm so glad that spring is here! I've been doing slightly better academically, although my musicianship is getting less time that it should. I've also been making some good art while working at the school's newspaper, and that is also making my day well.

The worst parts of the last few days have been really significant though: my partner had $2000 stolen from her, and that has pretty much ruined our weekend. At the same time, I am getting really annoyed with porn additction; will probably journal about it later.

In terms of looking ahead, I'm incredibly excited for the interview for my $4.5k internship- if I get it, I won't have to worry about university expenses all of next year. Also, I am very much looking to this Friday. Not sure why, but I'm just looking forward to it. I really appreciate not playing games anymore, and hope to get porn out of my life soon as well.

Hope you are doing okay!

Po

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Hey Po,

Glad you're doin' well.  Definitely think about trying out accountability software to help avoid porn.  I've been fighting porn for years and years, and once I started using this accountability software with my brother, it's felt like a great weight has been taken off my shoulders.  If my addiction was a 9/10 before the software, now it's at a .5/10 as far as difficulty.  Hope this helps.

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On 3/2/2021 at 2:10 PM, Average_Guy said:

Hey Po,

Glad you're doin' well.  Definitely think about trying out accountability software to help avoid porn.  I've been fighting porn for years and years, and once I started using this accountability software with my brother, it's felt like a great weight has been taken off my shoulders.  If my addiction was a 9/10 before the software, now it's at a .5/10 as far as difficulty.  Hope this helps.

Hi @Average_Guy! Thank you for your input, just got around trying Fortify and it does seem pretty awesome- I hope to keep improving in this area until it's as little of a worry as gaming is. 

Today's what, 66th day of no games? Funny, having some urges lately but then every time I actually think of playing that immediately discourages me- it's just such a disconnect from real world, that even when I am not busy I will still likely miss out on something more enjoyable, like going outside for a walk, painting, or making presents for the people I love. Honestly it is just not worth it in any circumstances. Now, just gotta get the same mindset towards porn!

The last few days I've been feeling tired, so not too productive. However, I've accomplished a lot of things lately and would like to recap so I'm not feeling like I sit on my ass all day lol:

  • Had a pretty good interview for my 4.5k summer internship
  • Applied for $1000 worth of funding, hope to get at least $200 out of that : > 
  • Became a member of a Student Gov. Organization at my school
  • Got nominated for a $1000 scholarship (although I soooo doubt I'll get it, it's honestly just not my cup of tea)
  • Have been running at least a mile every day for the last month or so
  • Broke my phone lmao

Okay, that's kind of it, because now I am thinking about all the things that are still hovering over my head: class assignments, job responsibilities, porn addiction, sleep schedule... Let's see what I can fix today though, I'm feeling good about it! 

Hope you rock your Thursday,

Po

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On 3/4/2021 at 11:25 AM, Pochatok said:

Today's what, 66th day of no games? Funny, having some urges lately but then every time I actually think of playing that immediately discourages me- it's just such a disconnect from real world, that even when I am not busy I will still likely miss out on something more enjoyable, like going outside for a walk, painting, or making presents for the people I love. Honestly it is just not worth it in any circumstances. Now, just gotta get the same mindset towards porn!

The last few days I've been feeling tired, so not too productive. However, I've accomplished a lot of things lately and would like to recap so I'm not feeling like I sit on my ass all day lol:

  • Had a pretty good interview for my 4.5k summer internship
  • Applied for $1000 worth of funding, hope to get at least $200 out of that : > 
  • Became a member of a Student Gov. Organization at my school
  • Got nominated for a $1000 scholarship (although I soooo doubt I'll get it, it's honestly just not my cup of tea)
  • Have been running at least a mile every day for the last month or so
  • Broke my phone lmao

Okay, that's kind of it, because now I am thinking about all the things that are still hovering over my head: class assignments, job responsibilities, porn addiction, sleep schedule... Let's see what I can fix today though, I'm feeling good about it! 

Hope you rock your Thursday,

Po

Yeah, games don't allow us to be present in the moment. The reality, in my opinion is that every second of every day, something is happening, and every second you waste it by gaming you've missed your opportunity. I wish you luck on overcoming porn. Never had issues with it myself, so i can't give you advice, but i hope it goes well. Just take it a day at a time. Also congratulations on becoming a member of the student government and i hope you get the internship, and scholarship! Sorry about your phone.

Best 

Jason

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21 hours ago, Jason70 said:

Yeah, games don't allow us to be present in the moment. The reality, in my opinion is that every second of every day, something is happening, and every second you waste it by gaming you've missed your opportunity. I wish you luck on overcoming porn. Never had issues with it myself, so i can't give you advice, but i hope it goes well. Just take it a day at a time. Also congratulations on becoming a member of the student government and i hope you get the internship, and scholarship! Sorry about your phone.

Best 

Jason

Hi Jason, thank you so much for your kind words! Yes, I agree very much- and although I think it's sometimes okay not to be present in the moment (for me, that happens when I am painting as well- I get completely drawn into the activity), gaming also provides little personal benefit besides some simple satisfaction. No one besides me will benefit from playing games, when if I spend time making a painting, it will be something I can share with a lot of people. 

Yes, fingers crossed for all that good money stuff haha, thank you 🙂 

Po

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No Games: 69. Nice. 

Have been having some urges today and yesterday- I think I'm getting really tired of school, and there is a specifically long paper that I need to write that I really am trying to avoid. Gaming is certainly the best way for me to avoid something heh, so that's where the urges are coming from I think 😕

Today has been fairly productive. I've been allowing myself to rest, while also staying more or less focused when I need to be. Finally got started on that long paper, and submitted a bunch of applications for even more grants. Hope to get them- my family is in large need of money at the moment. Other than that, I've been enjoying nice weather and trying to keep my room slightly on the chilly side- it keeps me much more engaged and awake than a warm room. 

Random Thought: filled out a journal entry in advance on how I did not relapse, with details of how my day went and how I prevented myself from relapsing. Basically, pretended to be writing as if the day was already over, and as if it was successful. Seems to be very effective so far- every time an urge appeared, I just read over that journal entry in my head, reminding myself that I "promised" myself to stay strong today. 

Hope you have a great Sunday,

 Po

 

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1 hour ago, Pochatok said:

Have been having some urges today and yesterday- I think I'm getting really tired of school, and there is a specifically long paper that I need to write that I really am trying to avoid. Gaming is certainly the best way for me to avoid something heh, so that's where the urges are coming from I think 😕

I struggle with this too. I think it's gotten harder to enjoy school with this whole virtual learning, covid19 thing. That's why I find the pomodoro technique  so powerful. I work on a bit, like 15 minutes and then i take a 10 minute break, either reading, going for a walk, journaling or just sitting in silence. For me it helps me keep the fact "hey i have this assignment due" in my head, helping me avoid procrastination. This technique is different for everyone though, but i hope it makes online school less of a drag for you. Good luck on overcoming those urges.

Best 

Jason 

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