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Thoughts on the meeting on Day 284:   I mentioned that I think about having a sexual connection with a woman often, but that I want to build the relationship on the correct axioms. My a

Day 195: I was at school today, I also got a job offer and was outside a little bit too. It was a nice day and now I am thoroughly tired.

Day 303: Today, I went to the shop, thought about the design for my banner for English teaching and did Russian. I afterwards went to the gym and met the same girl I did last week at the sam

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1 hour ago, Bird By Bird said:

From what I understand, you still drum but only casually. Is that right? I've also lowered "things I could be good at but are not the priority" to the hobby list, as opposed to the business/career list.

I've basically just quit, since the guys found someone else and I do not feel I could make it a priority in my life to do it well.

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On 10/23/2020 at 7:03 PM, ceponatia said:

How do you feel about Self Authoring? I've thought about trying it but always forget by the time I have a moment to actually do it.

I've just finished writing my autobiography, so I can't say much about it yet. But I plan to use it to think about where I want to go in more detail than ever before.

19 hours ago, Bird By Bird said:

So you were researching the price of drums in order to sell them, not buy new ones. I understand now.

Yes, that is the case. I don't think there's much point in keeping them in my parents' house if they can be of use to someone else.

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Day 550:

I worked on Self-Authoring, worked on my school project, read, played football and played a bit of desktops in the evening.

Day 551:

I watched a Peterson lecture, went for a walk with "Girl C" and read.

No Ejaculation: 19 days

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My energy are shot for a few days now. I guess ejaculating didn't particularly help that, but I've been keeping on some sort of a schedule this week at least.

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Day 553:

I worked on my school project, worked on Self-Authoring, wrote on the NMMNG forums, went for a jog, read, had an English class and spent the evening with a friend.

Day 554:

I returned from my friend, wrote on the NMMNG forums, worked on my school project, worked on Self-Authoring, played football, had an English clas and spent the evening playing desktops.

Day 555:

I wrote on the NMMNG forums, worked on my school project, did some work mail, started reading a new book (V. Frankl - The Unheard Cry for Meaning), had an online class and cooked and had dinner socially in the evening.

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Day 556:

I wrote, worked on my school project, visited my grandma, went to the orthopedic, read and had English classes in the evening.

Day 557:

I finished my school project, had online uni classes, read, wrote and went for a walk.

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I spend quite a bit of time on the NMMNG forums these days, trying to parse through my recent relationship experience with "Girl L" and getting opinions on it. You can check it out here. I plan to give a cocktail of questions about sex/relationship/commitment to my closest friends/family, so I know what they think about these topics. I'm getting to know a few new women currently, so I am happy and learning in this regard.

The shoulder is doing fine, but I hardly worked out my arms the past month, because the gyms closed down again.

My lecturing is going really well; it's as if I got rewarded for deciding to go down just one career path. I got more courses from one language school and I might be hitting the 10-15 hour week optimum soon.

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Day 558:

I had classes in the morning, watched Jocko Willink's podcast, cleaned my room and washed the dishes, worked on my English business website, read, listened to the piano, wrote a bit in Self-Authoring and went to bed early.

Day 559:

I had classes in the morning, worked on my English business website, visited my family, sorted out some things regarding my phone, had a talk with a friend and read in the evening.

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I'm currently tackling the biggest/most scary project on my plate - updating and getting my website on FB.

There is a piano room at the dormitory, so I sometimes hang out there, quietly listening to someone play the piano. I found out I like listening to the piano while meditating/thinking.

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Day 560:

I worked on my English website, worked on Self-Authoring, read an article by Manson, worked through mails, went for a walk to the graveyard and had two English courses in the evening.

Day 561:

I finished working on my website, worked on Self-Authoring, got through mails, went for a run had two English courses in the afternoon and had a talk with a friend in the evening.

Day 562:

I had a few online courses, drove my mom home from the hospital and had a beer with friends in the evening.

Day 563:

I had English classes, wrote a part of this entry, went shopping to buy new shoes and bag, visited my grandma, did some paperwork, had an online philosophy seminar and played desktops in the evening.

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I went to visit the graveyard to commemorate my grandpa who died several years ago. I was self-absorbed during the visit though and I wasn't really able to let go of my own worries, because there was/is a lot to deal with, e.g. because I get a flood of mails nowadays.

That said, I am happy I recently managed to cut most of the crap out. I think the unity as far as my work goes is liberating. I have energy to do things I want to do afterwards and I feel good about my work. I feel that I am what I do and do what I am, even though there are challenges and things I am not happy about.

Mom is home from the hospital after a month and a half, so that's good news. She still seems somewhat fragile, but she's back and that's what counts.

 

I'm also happy I straightened out my relationships with women recently. I had a few good experiences and got a lot of good experience.

I've been asking people around me recently about how do they conduct themselves in the whole sex/relationship thing. I got various responses and I think I fall into the "rigid" end of the spectrum, where I take some time to get to know the woman, think about her a little over a few days/weeks, go on a couple of dates and see how that works out. I think sex should be generally taken more seriously than it is today (and maybe it isn't taken seriously because the times today are easy, with all the contraceptive methods and living standards?) and I think it's completely okay for me to think that, as long as I do not shove it down someone's throat.

What I recognize extremely interesting during the time with "Girl L". At the beginning, I did a couple of things rather mechanically and simply because I wanted to and then I started "feeling" something as time progressed, while still being reasonable with gathering new information rationally. Therefore, I think having sex the same day I start chatting with a new girl is an "overkill", as far as doing things goes, but I think some incentive and action is in order.

I find the way of conduct where people have sex and hope for something greater afterwards cynical; what mostly happens is two people masturbating through each other OR one of them winds up getting more involved than the other and gets lovelorn, because the other person sees it differently. This obviously happens all the time regardless, however I think it's better to not risk having sex this early to amplify this.

I think my thoughts regarding dating are rational and that I know what I want and how I want it and that I just need to follow through with it. I have a list. It's good to have standards.

And it could also be that I am ignorant, insecure and afraid to connect with others in a profound way. And maybe I will go and do a couple of ONSs, because I've already proven to myself that I can do it if I want to and because I'll want to go on an ego trip. And this is also fine, as long as I give myself enough time to think it through and learn by writing texts like this one.

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Day 564:

I watched "Whiplash", wrote here, had an uni lecture, had English classes and I played chess in the evening with a friend.

Day 565:

I had classes in the morning, transported my drums back to my parents' house, played Scrabble with mom and started charging the battery of my car.

Day 566:

I had classes in the morning, played Scrabble with mom, go back home, went for a run, watched a TED talk with Daryl Davis and prepared for the next week.

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Whiplash is an interesting film. While watching it, I thought that I would be a good drummer if I tried half of the amount the youngster did. I actually had respect for the brutal teacher and perhaps forty years from that point the cycle would repeat again, where the youngster would become the teacher. It still doesn't change the fact that people who are this all-out on one thing are psychos, because they measure the world by that single thing only.

"Girl L" wrote me yesterday. I was initially surprised that she did so, but since she did, I wasn't surprised by the content of her messages. I left it at that if she wants to talk, then we'll do it in person and that's probably after the dorms are functioning normally and CV measures are dampened. There's zero reason to be in contact with her otherwise.

I had to charge the battery in my car overnight, so I spent about 27 hours at my parents' house in a row. My mom is a still bit out of it; she felt fairly melancholic and hardly ever smiled. I don't know if it's the general atmosphere, my parents, me or whatever else, but I felt increasingly worse the more time I spent there. I felt as if I was a little kid again that had nothing to do than to lounge around and feel miserable about himself, even though I had stuff to do and research. I think my quality of life is incomparably better since I started living on my own and this weekend only proved it to me time again.

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Day 567:

I checked out a part of the seminar for writing the bachelor thesis, did the laundry, did the groceries, went through mails and taught English for 4 hours afterwards.

Day 568:

I took my car to the service to fix the lights and change the tires, watched the rest of the bachelor thesis seminar, worked through mails, read a bit about FIRE (Financial Independence, Retire Early) and renting apartments, had an English class, sorted out some things regarding my phone, put up my drums for sale on the Internet, played chess with the Taiwanese girl and chatted with friends.

Day 569:

I taught for 4 hours, had lunch and cooked, went for a walk and to the shop, took a nap and I've just returned from the shower.

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I've been in contact with the Taiwanese girl for about a month. We chat daily through Internet and we go for a walk or play chess every few days. I like her. I think I would've already made the move to date her if I knew she was going to be around for more than a few months before going back home to Taiwan. Alas, it sometimes sucks to know what I want. It is what it is.

I feel hopelessly out of time. With the English classes I had the past two weeks, I make the same amount of money in about half the time most averagely-paid people do, but it's still challenging for live with some 20 hours of teaching + paperwork, as I'm not used to it yet. It also connects to me falling behind on university stuff which I am not a fan of. Spending a somewhat stressful/weird/lazy weekend at my parents' house didn't help either, together with the fact I ejaculated 4 times in the past 7 days.

To end it on a good note, today is my name-day and several people remembered it and wrote to wish me well 🙂

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Day 570:

I had English classes, visited grandma, worked on school projects and had an online philosophy seminar.

Day 571:

I worked on school projects,

Day 572:

 

---

My entries have been getting quite wordy, even though a lot of the stuff still gets filtered through my friends, either through Internet or personally. The topics have been the usual lot: relationships, philosophy, attraction/intimacy etc.

Regardless, as I wrote before, these two recent weeks have been challenging work-wise, so nowadays I work about 20 hours a week, counting in the courses I teach plus the correspondence/preparation. It's good, because I have more structure and I make good money and all of it counts towards FIRE eventually, as @JSmithmentioned 🙂

I've been feeling somewhat egocentric recently, sort of thinking that what everybody else does doesn't match up to what I do and not having incentive to do anything past work/uni/socialize, because I already "have it all". Together with marginalizing my masturbation issue for a good while where I often do not even get the thought that I might be doing something else with my time. Coming clean with myself a bit now, I want to come clean with others too and tell them what I think and do what needs to be done, particularly regarding my family.

The issue with masturbation is that I want sex, and I want a lot of it judging from the fact I masturbate (not ejaculate) daily, but I also want it on a regular basis with someone I can trust. The issue will not magically go away when I get into a relationship - it will just sexually attach me to the person more than it needs to. I think my recent experience with "Girl L" only exacerbated the issue. I've confided in a friend recently about the masturbation issue, so that was a slight help.

I think the root of all this might be that I never had an idea how to start and keep a conversation going naturally until recently. I'd be dead in the water without this skill as an English teacher. It slowly got ingrained into me that sometimes I talk to "scout" the person and that the topic is irrelevant, as long as I keep figuring some topics out and talking with the other person.

That's as far as the classes go. In personal life, over time, the conversation gets where it's supposed to, as long as both sides are willing to talk. And so, it's not impossible for me to hold a 30-minute conversation with a stranger I've just met. Or to get a girl to the bed after getting to know her that day without lying or being (at least consciously) manipulative.

A good advice regarding this I read often on the NMMNG forums is: "Do not try to "friend" a woman into bed." It's a narrow window in which one gets to hold and think about what to do next when considering dating a woman. I even think that it's not worth it to try and "think" the way to the woman, even if one gets a respite in the meanwhile. It's either there or it's not. There's millions. Get over it.

A deeper idea is that the actual choice of a woman is not conscious at that moment either. Where consciousness comes to play here is BEFORE the interaction - how I decide to orient myself in the world in general. Like attracts like. The woman "knows" regardless of what I do and I "know" regardless of what she does. And maybe the "knowledge" detectors are off and need updating every now and then through failure and the gain of experience. My long-term choice of woman is therefore always aligned with my life.

Related to the idea is a running joke I made about myself. I often mention that "I miss the female first graders.", because the dorm is halfway empty nowadays. I thought about why I say it. I believe I genuinely want to go out and meet new people and see what am I made of and what are they made of.

The "better" I get in the life, the less women I will be able to choose from, because the number of women who get "better" decreases, but I will actually be less dependent on my interactions with them, because I will have a stronger and stronger foundation in myself. When two people are in a relationship, there is no "better" person, neither when it's going well and neither when it's going poorly. I get what I deserve.

Strangely enough, I had a chat over Internet with "Girl M" recently and I think it was one of the better ones.

What I learned from "Girl L" is that sharing a difficult past is not a unifying element by default. Everybody has a difficult past. It's the attitude towards it and what am I willing to take from it. She chose to wallow in it and relive it, I chose to learn (at least a bit) from it and change my present. And she is actually honest about her past, she doesn't lie; it's just that she is searching for the embodiment of god, wants to get subjugated by all means and she will do anything for that. I do not want to play that role, so I chose not to.

 

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Apparently I got so busy writing the last time I forgot to finish these two days!

Day 571:

I worked on school projects, had uni classes, went for a run, had an English class, cleaned my room and washed the dishes, had dinner and played cards with others.

Day 572:

I worked on school projects, watched a lecture by Peterson, wrote here and went for a walk.

Day 573:

I worked on school projects, went for a walk with the Taiwanese girl, played football, played and watched chess and chatted with a friend in the evening.

Day 574:

I worked on school projects, went for a run, had a nap, had an English class, read a bit about modern Hungarian history and played desktops in the evening.

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Based on my last entry, I feel I started fighting my complacent urges, even if not always successfully. It's taking an energetic toll on me, but I am confident I am moving in a positive direction.

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Day 575:

I worked on school projects, visited my family and played chess in the evening.

Day 576:

I had 6 hours of classes, read an online article from Get Rich Slowly and played desktops in the evening.

Day 577:

I worked on school projects, went for a walk, went to get some ingredients and helped my dad with his car.

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combating masturbation

lonely? - am I lacking deeper connections with others?

not reading for over 2 weeks now

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Day 578:

I worked on school projects, had online uni classes, had two English classes of my own, played chess and had dinner with the Taiwanese girl.

Day 579:

I spent most of the day with my friend who teaches English and his class. It was nice to see people speaking English IRL and to get some inspiration for the classes of my own.

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It actually dawned on me that as somebody based in a country where Czech is the native tongue, you don’t get to speak as much English personally as you’d like. Did this friend of yours speak about thr psychological side of teaching? I taught English for one semester at my University and as I had no prior instruction as a teacher, the atmosphere felt very relaxed and lacked the discipline of a school room. 

I used to attend an English speaking club in my city too and we had some interesting venues with native English speakers. It was a breath of fresh air for me, because I tend to think in English, so speaking in it enables me to develop this sense of self awareness..

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4 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

It actually dawned on me that as somebody based in a country where Czech is the native tongue, you don’t get to speak as much English personally as you’d like. Did this friend of yours speak about thr psychological side of teaching? I taught English for one semester at my University and as I had no prior instruction as a teacher, the atmosphere felt very relaxed and lacked the discipline of a school room. 

I used to attend an English speaking club in my city too and we had some interesting venues with native English speakers. It was a breath of fresh air for me, because I tend to think in English, so speaking in it enables me to develop this sense of self awareness..

Living at the dorm helps with all the Erasmus students around, but even I do not need to speak English half of the day 7 days a week.

I understand and feel the psychological side of how he teaches in his own "school". The idea is that I can lead the class only for those who want to be led and that the classes are voluntary. Analogically, there's no point in listening to a boss you dislike at work and/or doing something you hate, because you will do a shitty job. There's so many jobs and so many bosses to choose from that the argument to stay in such a job voluntarily is invalid.

The current "mainstream" education system reminds me of WWI trench warfare and troops charging MG nests straight up. Just no. On the other hand, I get the idea that this system feeds a good amount of people; luckily I have the option to work outside of it.

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