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Ikar's Diary


Ikar
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Day 767:

I had English classes, wrote here, studied, went for a walk and had a social dinner in the evening.

Day 768:

I had English classes, studied, had a rehearsal for the exams with a friend and watched hockey in the evening. 

Day 769:

I went to get groceries, had English classes, studied for the finals and I'm gonna go to the gym in the evening with a friend.

---

The exams are on Monday. I'm going to seek out and double down on any topics I feel bad at during the weekend. I'm not saying I am perfectly prepared, but I gave it my best shot in the last five weeks. Regardless of the outcome, I will have at least two months to relax and return to more of my hobbies. I haven't really had time to do that basically since Christmas because of the workload for the university (winter semester exams Dec-Jan, bachelor thesis Feb-Apr, final exams May) and workload from English teaching (gradually went from 5 hours a week in October to 25 today).

---

Gratitude: I'm grateful for having a balanced life.

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1 hour ago, Ikar said:

Day 767:

I had English classes, wrote here, studied, went for a walk and had a social dinner in the evening.

Day 768:

I had English classes, studied, had a rehearsal for the exams with a friend and watched hockey in the evening. 

Day 769:

I went to get groceries, had English classes, studied for the finals and I'm gonna go to the gym in the evening with a friend.

---

The exams are on Monday. I'm going to seek out and double down on any topics I feel bad at during the weekend. I'm not saying I am perfectly prepared, but I gave it my best shot in the last five weeks. Regardless of the outcome, I will have at least two months to relax and return to more of my hobbies. I haven't really had time to do that basically since Christmas because of the workload for the university (winter semester exams Dec-Jan, bachelor thesis Feb-Apr, final exams May) and workload from English teaching (gradually went from 5 hours a week in October to 25 today).

---

Gratitude: I'm grateful for having a balanced life.

Good luck on exams and just give it your best shot. If you've been good the whole semester you should be good for now. One step at a time.

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Day 770:

I studied, went for a walk and had a social evening.

Day 771:

I studied, visited my family and had a social evening.

Day 772:

I had the exams, worked out at the gym, played football and watched hockey.

Day 773:

Today - TBA.

---

I passed the exams. I got pretty average questions, I had average knowledge and I got an average grade. I didn't feel nervous during the exams. I either knew or I didn't. I could think and derive thoughts rationally when I was asked. I'm content I don't have to deal with this in August again.

---

Gratitude: I'm grateful for being firm.

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Day 773:

I had English classes and a social evening.

Day 774:

I had English classes, cleaned my room, talked to a friend and had a social evening.

Day 775:

I wrote a mail to the mayor of my home municipality, had English classes, did the groceries and worked out at the gym and watched hockey in the evening.

Day 776:

I had English classes, played football, practiced chess and had a social evening.

Day 777:

I watched a few videos by Jocko Willink, went for a walk with a friend, played chess and thought about things I can do now that I have more time.

Day 778:

Today - TBA.

---

The mail to the mayor was a response to his series of questions that he asked regarding the suggestions for future development in the area. It all originated from me asking him if there's some vision for development in the area. I was/am fairly happy about the fact that after a long time spent in the education system, I produced something of real value, because the university work sometimes seems self-serving.

I spent a good amount of time this week lazing around and not doing anything particular. I can enjoy that for a few days but I know there are things to do, so I am going to get organized for the next week.

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  I'm using the template I used the last time. 27/04/20 - 09/06/20


"L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term.

I added "Future goals/direction" to better reflect on the things I am trying to do and to add specificity. I will copy it and stick it somewhere where I can see it to remind myself whenever I feel aimless. I will also use different colors: white (default) for newly added goals, green for completed/successful, orange for ongoing/some progress and red for ones I haven't worked on in that period.


---

Active writing (blogs/writings/journal):

L: I've been working on the thesis and a tiny bit on the diary here.

T: I finished the thesis and wrote here regularly.

Future goals/direction:

Finish Past Authoring and the whole course.

Write on my blog.

Keep writing in my diary here twice a week.

Work on "Breaking Free Exercises" from the NMMNG book.

 


Books/Reading articles:

L: I decided to simply skim through all the newsletters that accumulated in my inbox about a week ago. I got through "The Prince" quite quickly and already lent it to a friend. I've also been reading a lot about finance in general too.

T: I spent most of my time reading the uni materials for the final exams. I got through some newsletters and didn't pick up a new book, I'll see what picks up my interest in the future.

Future goals/direction:

Continue getting through the newsletters.

 


Family:

L: I plan to talk to all my family members in a private (separate) manner this month and... share my thoughts with them and have a bit closer relationship with them? The Spanish girl encouraged me to do it, after I told her about my relationship with my family. It's not that it's horrible, but I feel it is somewhat distant and that most of my friends have closer ties with their family members, even if not with all of them. I already expressed myself to mom.

I talked with my brother separately, though not about the "deep stuff". Relationships and sex were non-existent topics in my family, so it's difficult for me to initiate in this regard.

T: I talked a bit to my father about the topic of relationships and women. I'm gonna talk to my brother this weekend; I didn't see him the last one. I told my grandma a few details about the Spanish girl since my grandma asked.

Future goals/direction:

Talk to my family members separately.

 


University:

L: I've been putting in the hours into university quite steadily. I've been working on my bachelor thesis, but I think I have to step up, as I need to finish it by the start of May and I also have to study for the graduation exams. I have a prime opportunity now to grind down on the thesis in the next few weeks. I chose my masters and applied for VIA/Erasmus for the next year.

I finished work on the bachelor thesis yesterday, so I can start studying for the finals. I have a bit over a month to study. I'm gonna go for Erasmus to Hanover in about a year if everything goes well.

T: I finished my final exams. I plan to continue studying to get my masters' degree. I don't need to worry about the university for at least three months now.

Future goals/direction:

Apply successfully for VIA Exchange/Erasmus by passing the tests and interviews.

Start studying for the finals.

 


Exercise/movement:

L: I played football several times and went for walks sometimes. I've been experiencing a bit of a backache and stiffness though, so that encouraged me to do more exercise. The weather's been getting better, meaning I am more likely to go out for walks or exercise.

T: I played football, went for walks and worked out at the gym. I am currently doing some exercise every other day, mostly going to the gym.

Future goals/direction:

Martial art research?

Work out twice/thrice a week.

Keep in shape (using walks/sex/exercise).

 


Social:

L: I'm normally social these days. I think I might be nicer and more attentive to people overall, though it's hard to quantify that objectively.

T: I started going to the Monday philosophy courses again. I'm predominantly social during the evenings with the people from the dorms, so I want to diversify my social groups more now that the CV restrictions are going away.

Future goals/direction:

-

 


English:

L: My current workload is around 23 hours per week. I could even have more with the less-paid courses, but I feel fairly happy with my working situation and I enjoy the work I put in.

T: My current workload is around the same number. The work's been going well, in fact, I am hardly ever stressed by it, especially if I do some planning before the lessons.

Future goals/direction:

I am going to send out some mails again to language schools and various other subjects to set up interviews from my secondary email. (do in August)

I am going to pursue closer co-operation with my English mentor.

I am going to check out a few more seminars on how to run online courses.

 

 

Women/dating:

L:

Spoiler

I learnt that perhaps I do not have as hard-core of a monogamous mentality as I thought I would have. I'm also probably more aware than ever that everybody is fucked up, including myself. There are a few women I could think of in the romantic plane in my area. I don't think it makes much sense to be writing about specific women though. I came to the realization that planning in this area is usually cumbersome and counterproductive.

I cut one of the relationships, did sex and I'm keeping my eyes peeled.

I was predicting the change in my sexual mindset and behavior for a long time. I behaved and acted in line with it. I just needed the reality to catch up on it; similarly to that when I was gaming, I got fired from the post office several days after I quit gaming, because most of my (unsatisfactory) work there was done when I was still gaming.

In the past, I believe I looked at the more obvious sexual displays of others with both distaste and envy at the same time. Especially when I thought that I have no other option than to sit and do nothing or to get drunk and hope that something happens. It just took some time to internalize that the thing standing between me and a good (even if only sexual) relationship with a woman is... me.

As long as there are two consenting adults, whatever goes. Whether it's a good idea or not is another question (given the circumstances), but I won't villanify that behavior a priori anymore.

That said, a horrible relationship is better than none at all. The cataclysmic end of my last one was likely the trigger for me to quit games for good. Nothing is forcing anyone to stay and die in a horrible relationship, except the lack of options in one's head. (December)

I learnt a lot about the sexuality of women over the past few weeks by spending time with the Spanish girl. I learnt a bunch about my sexuality as well. I also learnt relationships can be more nuanced. It's been a great learning experience so far. (January/February)

I've spent about two months with the Spanish girl and this morning she left home for three weeks, after which she should come back. I feel that she's into me, that she cares about me and that she doesn't want to lose me (be it to another relationship or due to some quarrel between us, though I find the latter less likely), though at the same time I feel we both want to assert ourselves to leave other options available. In my case to find someone more "permanent" to date/be together with, because I know she'll be gone in the summer. In her case it's different relationship philosophy and uniqueness of every relationship.

To explain that further, she actually encouraged me to meet other girls to see what might come out of it, which is generally something I am not 100% confident at and could use some practice in. Regardless, despite our differences, I feel that we're willing to respect each other and not argue about them. (March)

We had a few talks together with the Spanish girl and decided we wouldn't carry on with the sexual element in our relationship. It was the first time for her trying to amalgamate sexual and affectionate relationship into one and the second time for me. I decided to take her for her word and not to push her into something she doesn't want or isn't sure about. I sensed/noticed that it's not the first time she's having difficulty in continuing the relationship in the current setting. I think that a part of good relationship is the ability to respect "no" as a "no" and it's definitely one of the things I want in all my relationships that go deeper.

I'm actually somewhat surprised by how romantic the relationship has come to be. I think we are both considerate of each other and already value each other to go through this in an abrupt or otherwise bad way. I feel a sense of loss in a way, but I think various factors chimed in to dampen it. Besides, I have learnt a lot about various sexual topics and I grew more confident in this regard. It's very liberating to be playful and inventive too!

This one is actually only a few days old, but I do feel attracted to one girl and I want to have sex with her, although I don't think something long-term could come out of it due to the factual differences that we have. Hooray for being human! (April)

T: We've been flirting and dancing around around with the girl from April. I told her we're gonna do something together after I am done with the finals and I want to keep that promise. I'm not 100% sure if it's the right move, but I'm gonna take the opportunity regardless.

Future goals/direction:

-

 

 

Additional activities:

Personal finance: I've gone from actively spending time on this topic to more passive scanning.

Chess: I still do a bit of chess every now and then, but not as often as before.

Marksmanship: I've been having thoughts about returning to this hobby.

 

-----


Masturbation - reminder:

L: I think it'll be as with gaming - I tried to haphazardly quit gaming multiple times, but finally by getting here I reached the breaking point. It's likely gonna take more than a few weeks and re-making the decision that I don't have time to waste. Ejaculation is easy for me to handle, it's just that masturbation overall is difficult to get rid of. It's a process.

This term was quite rough, especially with all the female attention that I've been getting recently. Masturbation is taking a toll on my sleep schedule, but I believe I will manage to handle it in a more healthy way. I'd like to think that I wouldn't do such a thing if I had a girl with whom I could have sex every (other) day, but my sexuality still my own responsibility even in that case and I have to deal with it in a way that doesn't screw me over.

T: After having sex, I found out that I am more accepting of masturbation and that I do not hinge on it as much. Maybe because I already internalized the belief that sex in "just another" (yet important) thing in my life or because it's easier to get than I thought. Either way, I sense more peace in myself in this area.


Meditation:

L: I never got around to do it, though it could be that I incorporate some of it while working out or singing along with music or while on a walk. I want to figure out where to put it into my daily rhythm. I meditated a few times and I enjoyed the calmness. I gotta step up the relaxing activities, even though it sounds like an oxymoron 😄

I think reading + meditation might be a good combo, it’s just that I have to remember to do it when I have enough time to read, but not enough time to go for a walk at the same time. It's getting cold outside though, so I will not read outside too much anymore.

T: -


Gratitude:

L: I managed to sneak it in into my journal a couple of times, so that's good. I'm grateful for all the new relationships and opportunities that flew into my life the last month. I'm going to make sure this continues.

T: -

 

---


Additional projects/misc/cool stuff finished last month:


Additional projects/misc/cool stuff upcoming this month:


---


Thoughts, ideas and additional comments/gratitude:

 
 

Spoiler

I think I have done a good job at incorporating psychology lectures I’ve seen/learnt into my life. I don’t want to re-live the experience I’ve had March/April 2019, because it could be deadly.

I gained the ability to plan after I quit games.

Life’s more colorful and more difficult to deal with, but at least I can look at myself in the mirror now and see myself less skewed than before.

I think I give meaning to things that deserve it now.

I am not horrified of free time anymore. This is a BIG one.

I am using my sociability more sensibly. No more trolling in Twitch chat and streaming.

Coming to think of it, I’ve never been overly anxious to begin with, just the normal amount. I asked girls out on dates on high school. I was just totally oblivious to the signals I sent/received.

I’m more conscious of both what I do and how I do it in relation with other people. I still get anxiety, but I act despite it. I stand tall and have my say.

I'm very lucky to have a mentor in the field I am excited about.

I'm grateful for everyone who has entered my life.

I EMBRACE THE FACT THAT ANYTHING I START DOING, I WILL DO IT BADLY. I CAN ONLY BECOME BETTER INCREMENTALLY AND BY PRACTICE.

It's less of a question WHAT I do compared to HOW and WHY I do it.

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Day 778:

I worked out at the gym, visited my family and watched the hockey finals in the evening.

Day 779:

I had English classes, wrote, visited the philosophy course and had a social evening.

Day 780:

I cleaned my room, stretched at the gym, did the laundry, had English classes and a social evening.

Day 781:

I had English classes, wrote my monthly report, did some work around my car, got through some newsletters and went for a walk.

Day 782:

I had English classes, worked out at the gym, wrote, read newsletters/finance, got through mails, got my computer fan working, polished my online ads and now I'm writing this. I might have a social evening.

---

I'm back to doing things after a week of taking it easy. It still takes time to figure out where exactly to put the hours I put towards the university, but I am getting better at it.

---

Gratitude: I'm grateful for knowing myself more as time passes.

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Day 783:

I got through some articles, had English classes, played football and had a social evening.

Day 784:

I did preparation for my graduation party, wrote, went for a walk, did preparation and evaluation for my English classes and watched football in the evening.

Day 785:

I wrote, watched a podcast, visited my family and had a social evening.

Day 786:

I had English classes, wrote, had philosophy courses and had a social evening.

Day 787:

I wrote, consulted a friend regarding my car, had English classes, went for a walk and played frisbee in the evening.

---

I am organizing a party at my parents' the next weekend to celebrate my graduation.

I wrote a reflection on the relationship with the Spanish girl. I am confused about a few things regarding the future of the relationship I have with her, so I am going to talk to her tonight before she leaves for Spain tomorrow.

---

Gratitude: I am grateful for universal connecting human experiences.

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On 6/16/2021 at 2:58 AM, Ikar said:

I wrote a reflection on the relationship with the Spanish girl. I am confused about a few things regarding the future of the relationship I have with her, so I am going to talk to her tonight before she leaves for Spain tomorrow.

Oh shoot! I am glad that you were able to reflect, but I do think that having a meaningful relationship with someone from another country is difficult. Hope it will go the best direction possible!

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Women:

18/06

I've been letting my mind roam freely this morning. Mostly about relationships, but also about my job and university.

I didn't end up talking to the Spanish girl. I wrote her a message on Tuesday, she didn't reply and she changed her phone number back to her Spanish one soon after. I'm not fussy enough to think it was because of me, but I think she noticed the message and just didn't reply. I saw her a few times after that and could have talked to her, but I figured none of us really wanted to do that.

After I finished writing my reflection on Wednesday, I had a novel thought about what happened. I basically met her as somebody who couldn't travel (CV), have a job (no working visa) and had to next to no university obligations (she finished her bachelor studies with one subject in her final semester and didn't have to write the thesis). I was the best thing to "do" for her at the time. That all started changing in April, when she could realistically start traveling and started to work on some project/searching for an internship for the summer. My obligations have been quite constant from January to May, so I never really went "overboard" into the relationship.

I don't know how true the above paragraph is, but I think it sounds reasonable. It doesn't make me an idiot and it doesn't demonize her either. It also explains well why she fell in love with me and then out of it fairly quickly. I don't think any of us could've "seen" this unfold in the way it did.

It also goes well with Glover's rule about dating/getting to know the person for at least three months before having sex for a serious relationship, possibly dating/exploring multiple women this way at once. Something to think about, as with my X I had sex on the second date and with the Spanish girl had sex the night we met. I also seem to throw the other potential relationships I have out of the window when I start having sex.

19/06

Continuing.

I guess what made me scared was that I never talk to her again, just like it happened with my X. That's possibly the case for 95% of people I have met in my life and I never blinked an eye that I am 95% sure I am not meeting them again. I think I was caught aback by the fact we didn't keep on doing things together until she had to leave a few days ago.

Things are interesting between me and the girl from the end of April. We talk, flirt and I'd argue 95% people would think we are having sex together. I'm gonna wait and be patient and see what comes out of this, if anything. Meanwhile, there other women I can ask out, meet, talk to and spend some time with.

Thoughts:

Sex - what's ubiquitous isn't valuable. If it's too easy, I don't value it and then it isn't worth it.

I need to become more pragmatic, less naive and resilient to rejection.

I have to work on not using alcohol. I think there was no first physical romantic/sexual interaction I've had with a girl without alcohol.

7 hours ago, Pochatok said:

Oh shoot! I am glad that you were able to reflect, but I do think that having a meaningful relationship with someone from another country is difficult. Hope it will go the best direction possible!

Basically the first few paragraphs are about this. I think now I'm okay with not seeing her anymore, as I think I took what was valuable from the relationship and let the rest go.

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Family:

Dad - Possibly the family member I respect the most. He's usually calm, rational, reliable and has good ideas. He's obviously not flawless and is impatient at times, but I hardly ever get into an argument with him. I'm gonna appreciate him tomorrow on Father's Day.

Mom - I can say that mom has been improving over the past year or so, though I still feel distant from her. I think she just spent too many afternoons/evenings out instead of being with her sons and there's no way she can make up for that now while seeing each other once a week.

Grandma - I care more for my grandma instead. I think she's the one who knows the most about me from my family (overall, I don't think any single person knows "everything" about me). She's warm, kind and reliable as well. She sometimes cares for others at her expense too much, so if she worries too much about something/someone, I help her to calm down. 

Brother - I want to talk to my brother about women and relationships, however it's not easy trying to find an opportunity to talk to him. He is willing to help me if I need some of his expertise, but overall he seems somewhat fussy and unavailable. It might be because he's in his first relationship for over two years and wants to spend a lot of time with his girlfriend. I'm somewhat worried about the fact I don't find her physically attractive at all; I know it's not up to me to judge and I can't speak for her personality, but it's gonna start being my problem at least a bit if they get married and have kids.

Other:

Overall, I know I keep repeating this, but I want to work on having stronger relationships with men, as I think 90% of my 1-on-1 interactions are with women.

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University, job and future:

I found out that thinking about my future in non-relationship matters is more difficult and less exciting. I think it is that way because these matters are more repeatable, long-term and  consistent. In relationships, it always feels like you can do something "now"; that's not the case for studying at the university for three years.

The plan for the university is to start at the end of September and then go to Germany for Erasmus in February. I'm gonna calculate and fiddle around with the subjects, so that it works out well with my plan to do my masters in three years instead of the usual two, because I want to work during the time as well and I want to have time for that.

I'm happy with my job as it is for the last half a year. I learn something new here and there, though there's not much "hard knowledge" remaining I need to absorb. It's also stress-free, because I don't need to be responsible for equipment, people etc. I might have to cut some time I put into it in September, though I'll see how the situation will look like, especially after I am in Germany in February, as maybe I'll find a job there too. It's difficult to plan with so many variables.

Thoughts:

The annoying part about knowing what you want is the fact you know when you fail.

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Day 788:

I had English classes, went for a walk and had a social evening.

Day 789:

I had English classes, wrote here and went to bed early.

Day 790:

I had an English class, wrote, went for a walk and watched football with others in the evening.

Day 791:

I wrote here, went through some finance articles, played chess and went for a walk.

Day 792:

I wrote here, talked to a friend, visited my family and played chess in the evening.

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Day 793:

I had English classes, worked out at the gym, visited the philosophy course and had a social evening.

Day 794:

I watched "Gran Torino", had English lessons and watched football in the evening.

Day 795:

I had English classes, worked out, watched a comedy film and went out with friends at night.

Day 796:

I had English classes, watched "Battle of Algiers", went for a walk and sorted out a few documents and wrote this.

---

So I've been progressing on my things in a lenient pace, or at least that's what I think. I still have roughly 20 hours of work a week, I go to the gym, for walks, outside in the evening, I visit my family, I watch films... Regardless of that, I still sometimes feel lost, that I am not doing enough compared to what I was doing for the past half a year while working on my university duties. A lot of the places I used to visit in autumn aren't open and the martial art courses I'd like to visit are gonna start in September. I need to learn to live with myself more often now!

As for the "recent" girl, I understand we're not looking for the same thing, even though I think we were attracted to one another at some point. I decided to take her for her word when she said she's not looking for anything serious at the moment. Plus while I think she has her overall priorities reasonably organized, it's impossible to plan something ahead of time with her. It's part of knowing myself and creating relationships that I want, that make me happy.

Interestingly enough, one of my newer students a few hours ago said I am fairly sensible and responsible for a guy who is 23. She's actually born on the same day as I am, though more than 10 years older with two kids. I felt somewhat self-conscious after that, because I know there are things I have to work on in that regard.

---

Gratitude: I am grateful that what I do makes people wonder and feel inspired.

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Day 796:

I had English classes, listened to new music, prepared evaluations for my students and watched "21 grams" in the evening.

Day 797:

I prepared plans and evaluations for my students, watched "Last of the Mohicans", went for a walk and met with friends outside randomly.

Day 798:

I shopped for new shoes, visited my family, watched football and chatted with a friend in the evening.

Day 799:

Today - TBA.

---

Pretty slow couple of days. I decided to work out (or move) every day for the next three months. I have a ton of time and I need to use it sensibly.

---

Gratitude: I'm grateful for the things I decided to take responsibility for.

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Day 799:

I worked out, watched a great comedy film, washed the dishes, had an English class, watched football and had a social evening.

Day 800:

I had English classes, watched a sports film named "Dangal", watched football, went for a walk and had a social evening.

Day 801:

I had English classes, went for a walk, watched a tragicomedy, got through some work emails and had a social evening.

Day 802:

I had English classes, read about finance, worked out, watched "Payback" with Mel Gibson. I'll see about the evening.

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Day 803:

I had my bachelor's promotion, watched some football and had a social evening.

Day 804:

I went for a walk, watched an old Czech film "Atentát", wrote a bit, watched "Rambo I", talked to a friend and had a social evening.

Day 805:

I watched a film, cleaned my room, watched a podcast with Willink and Peterson and worked out in the evening.

Day 806:

I went for a walk, visited my family and did some work on my car.

Day 807:

Today - TBA. I've been crushing it though.

---

The official promotion was fine. My grandma and parents asked me whether I know this guy and this girl and that she looks nice... it was funny. We talked and had pizza afterwards. My brother wrote after he'd go to get sushi with me someday too.

I was surprised that Rambo (at least the first film) has such a great psychological dimension. He didn't actually kill anyone in the film (I've read it's much different in the book!). The film is obviously about war/fight, but it's not a bloodshed.

Sunday was not too good for me in the morning and afternoon, but I got myself together after talking to a friend. The issue was mostly that I was bored and having little to do these days, as I seem to be the happiest when I am constantly doing something. I took June easy after having a lot of work since the first half of the year was more busy (more English classes, Spanish girl, university studies).

Now it's time to get back at it. Working out, writing, English classes, reading, social hobbies... I worked out three times the past week (walked the rest), read "Way of the Warrior Kid" by Willink and I'm looking to get actively involved with women again/start dating.

---

Gratitude: I'm grateful for being able to improve.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Day 807:

I worked out, did the laundry and dishes, watched a romantic film, wrote here, read the "Warrior Kid" book, had English classes and watched football.

Day 808:

I had an English class, worked out, read the "Warrior Kid" book, watched a dramatic film and had a social evening.

Day 809:

I had English classes, rode the bike and had a social evening.

Day 810:

I had an English class, washed the dishes, shopped for food and went to the cottage.

Day 811:

We hiked and played football.

Day 812:

I returned from the cottage and visited my family.

Day 813:

I had an English class, went for a walk, watched a comedy and went to bowling in the evening.

Day 814:

I had English classes, robe the bike and talked to a friend.

Day 815:

I planned for a trip, had English classes, rode the bike and had a social evening.

Day 816:

I had English classes, finished planning for the trip and had a social evening.

Day 817:

Today - TBA.

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I found out that I am probably not the type to watch romantic films. However, I watched one pretty great chilling drama named "Ondskan".

I spent 810-812 with my high-school classmates in the mountains. I had some good conversations and it was interesting to find out what was new in the lives of others.

I had sex after the bowling event with a girl I know for over a year and we meet quite often. She is going for Erasmus the next semester and I'm going the one after that, so I don't find it very likely we'll meet this often in the long-term future.

I had a sleepless night, as I started having sore throat yesterday and today. I hope it gets better before the trip.

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Day 817:

I went to the car service with my car, had an English lesson, wrote here, talked to a friend, washed the dishes and had a social evening with my geography group.

Day 818:

I visited my family, packed things for the trip and had a social evening.

Day 819-821:

I was on the hiking trip.

Day 822:

I went to my mechanic with the car and I had English classes.

Day 823:

Today - TBA.

---

It seems that my car will be operational for the next two years, which is good news. I haven't been using it as much as I would expect the last year, but it doesn't cost that much to own either.

The trip to the mountains for a few days was exhausting, but also pretty great. We were three and while we met other people, the mountains were empty for the most part.

---

I'm getting somewhat worried about the fact the CV vaccine seems to be becoming the sole ticket to "normal life". Some countries have already made restrictions for entrance conditioned by vaccination - which is in a way fine, because there are still a lot of countries that do not do that and traveling overall is not my cup of tea, though I'd argue most younger people feel stronger about this than I do.

The majority of people I know mention traveling and convenience (no testing, forms etc.) as their main reasons to get vaccinated. It isn't compassion with others (as all the major risk groups already had the chance to get vaccinated anyway) or their own health. I never felt that my health is threatened by the virus; on the contrary, the gym/outdoor workout closures made it more difficult for me to stick to more sensible workout routine. I have also never left the dorms to isolate and to live with my parents again, as more social contact was one of the catalysts as to why I moved in fall 2019.

As less than half of the population is vaccinated (while I believe most people had the chance to be fully vaccinated already), I'm going to be unhappy if the government decides to make the CV tests fully paid by citizens (they plan that for September), if we continue to be required to be either vaccinated or tested to go abroad, to the restaurant or even to go work etc. I think it's fairly dangerous to disregard the opinion of half the people living in the country and to make their lives increasingly difficult by pushing them via additional restrictions into the "second grade citizen" status or to force them this way to get vaccinated. I wish there were less demagogues and more dialogue to reduce the division/polarization between people.

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I'm using the template I used the last time. 09/06/20 - 23/07/20


"L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term.

I added "Future goals/direction" to better reflect on the things I am trying to do and to add specificity. I will copy it and stick it somewhere where I can see it to remind myself whenever I feel aimless. I will also use different colors: blue for newly added goals/habits, green for completed/successful, orange for ongoing/some progress and red for ones I haven't worked on in that period.


---


Active writing (blog/writings/journal):

L: I finished the thesis and wrote here regularly.

T: About three weeks ago I wrote a few short texts here. I also attempted to write a start of my new blog post at the weekend.

Future goals/direction:

Finish Past Authoring and the whole course.

Write on my blog.

Keep writing in my diary here twice a week.

Work on "Breaking Free Exercises" from the NMMNG book.

 

Books/Reading articles:

L: I spent most of my time reading the uni materials for the final exams. I got through some newsletters and didn't pick up a new book, I'll see what picks up my interest in the future.

T: My inbox is clear and I have read the first two books of "Warrior Kid" series by Willink. They're pretty simple, straightforward and believable.

Future goals/direction:

Continue getting through the newsletters.

Read first two books of "Warrior Kid" series by Willink.

 

Family:

L: I plan to talk to all my family members in a private (separate) manner this month and... share my thoughts with them and have a bit closer relationship with them? The Spanish girl encouraged me to do it, after I told her about my relationship with my family. It's not that it's horrible, but I feel it is somewhat distant and that most of my friends have closer ties with their family members, even if not with all of them. I already expressed myself to mom.

I talked with my brother separately, though not about the "deep stuff". Relationships and sex were non-existent topics in my family, so it's difficult for me to initiate in this regard.

I talked a bit to my father about the topic of relationships and women. I'm gonna talk to my brother this weekend; I didn't see him the last one. I told my grandma a few details about the Spanish girl since my grandma asked.

T: My father helped me with a few things regarding the car and I am going to get sushi with my brother the next week.

Future goals/direction:

Talk to my family members separately.

 

University:

L: I finished my final exams. I plan to continue studying to get my masters' degree. I don't need to worry about the university for at least three months now.

T: I meet fellow students here and there, although I am not studying at all at the moment.

Future goals/direction:

Find more sources for my upcoming masters' thesis.

 

Exercise/movement:

L: I played football, went for walks and worked out at the gym. I am currently doing some exercise every other day, mostly going to the gym.

T: I've been keeping up with the movement quite well, despite the fact gym was opened and closed about the same time.

Future goals/direction:

Martial art research.

Work out twice/thrice a week.

Keep in shape (using walks/sex/exercise).

 

Social:

L: I started going to the Monday philosophy courses again. I'm predominantly social during the evenings with the people from the dorms, so I want to diversify my social groups more now that the CV restrictions are going away.

T: I started visiting more social groups that I used to visit in the past. I met with my geography group, English speaking evening group and others.

Future goals/direction:

-

 

English:

L: My current workload is around the same number. The work's been going well, in fact, I am hardly ever stressed by it, especially if I do some planning before the lessons.

T: I have a few lessons less, but it's still nearly 20 hours of classes in July/August.

Future goals/direction:

I am going to send out some mails again to language schools and various other subjects to set up interviews from my secondary email. (do in August)

I am going to pursue closer co-operation with my English mentor.

I am going to check out a few more seminars on how to run online courses.

 

Women/dating:

L:

Spoiler

I learnt that perhaps I do not have as hard-core of a monogamous mentality as I thought I would have. I'm also probably more aware than ever that everybody is fucked up, including myself. There are a few women I could think of in the romantic plane in my area. I don't think it makes much sense to be writing about specific women though. I came to the realization that planning in this area is usually cumbersome and counterproductive.

I cut one of the relationships, did sex and I'm keeping my eyes peeled.

I was predicting the change in my sexual mindset and behavior for a long time. I behaved and acted in line with it. I just needed the reality to catch up on it; similarly to that when I was gaming, I got fired from the post office several days after I quit gaming, because most of my (unsatisfactory) work there was done when I was still gaming.

In the past, I believe I looked at the more obvious sexual displays of others with both distaste and envy at the same time. Especially when I thought that I have no other option than to sit and do nothing or to get drunk and hope that something happens. It just took some time to internalize that the thing standing between me and a good (even if only sexual) relationship with a woman is... me.

As long as there are two consenting adults, whatever goes. Whether it's a good idea or not is another question (given the circumstances), but I won't villanify that behavior a priori anymore.

That said, a horrible relationship is better than none at all. The cataclysmic end of my last one was likely the trigger for me to quit games for good. Nothing is forcing anyone to stay and die in a horrible relationship, except the lack of options in one's head. (December)

I learnt a lot about the sexuality of women over the past few weeks by spending time with the Spanish girl. I learnt a bunch about my sexuality as well. I also learnt relationships can be more nuanced. It's been a great learning experience so far. (January/February)

I've spent about two months with the Spanish girl and this morning she left home for three weeks, after which she should come back. I feel that she's into me, that she cares about me and that she doesn't want to lose me (be it to another relationship or due to some quarrel between us, though I find the latter less likely), though at the same time I feel we both want to assert ourselves to leave other options available. In my case to find someone more "permanent" to date/be together with, because I know she'll be gone in the summer. In her case it's different relationship philosophy and uniqueness of every relationship.

To explain that further, she actually encouraged me to meet other girls to see what might come out of it, which is generally something I am not 100% confident at and could use some practice in. Regardless, despite our differences, I feel that we're willing to respect each other and not argue about them. (March)

We had a few talks together with the Spanish girl and decided we wouldn't carry on with the sexual element in our relationship. It was the first time for her trying to amalgamate sexual and affectionate relationship into one and the second time for me. I decided to take her for her word and not to push her into something she doesn't want or isn't sure about. I sensed/noticed that it's not the first time she's having difficulty in continuing the relationship in the current setting. I think that a part of good relationship is the ability to respect "no" as a "no" and it's definitely one of the things I want in all my relationships that go deeper.

I'm actually somewhat surprised by how romantic the relationship has come to be. I think we are both considerate of each other and already value each other to go through this in an abrupt or otherwise bad way. I feel a sense of loss in a way, but I think various factors chimed in to dampen it. Besides, I have learnt a lot about various sexual topics and I grew more confident in this regard. It's very liberating to be playful and inventive too!

This one is actually only a few days old, but I do feel attracted to one girl and I want to have sex with her, although I don't think something long-term could come out of it due to the factual differences that we have. Hooray for being human! (April)

We've been flirting and dancing around around with the girl from April. I told her we're gonna do something together after I am done with the finals and I want to keep that promise. I'm not 100% sure if it's the right move, but I'm gonna take the opportunity regardless. (May)

T: There are some situations with the girl where we do get close, although from some situations I also understand that I don't want to be too closely involved with her and neither does she. Though I like her physically and I think she's aiming at good things in life, I feel she constantly needs to put herself in messy/highly emotional situations and states. I can joke about it and laugh it off with her as her friend, but it'd be very different if I decided to be a more unpredictable variable in her life.

That doesn't mean random and unpredictable sex can't happen. The last week I had sex with a friend from the dorms I've known for over a year. We were both tipsy, though I think we were both surprised how that evening ended up happening.

I've been having thoughts about the time with the Spanish girl, meaning there could still be something I need to decode. I didn't talk to her before she left to Spain about a month ago and nor I gave her the letter I wrote and planned to give her. Regardless, I've thought about the topic myself. I found that the main idea is to take it as it is, regardless of what the reasons of her sudden April "cut" were. I also believe that sometimes the more loving and more courageous decision is to walk away to prevent more hurt and pain, whether due to toxicity (my X) or time constraints (Spanish girl?). One of the things that "got" me closer together to her was the care. She really did care for me as my mom or grandma would, which I noticed when she was adamant about the fact I needed to see the doctor. The fact that we could also agree to disagree was amazing as well. Lastly, she did catalyze more effort from my side to get to know my family better and closer.

Talking to one of my friends, she said the average masturbation for her is better than the average sex. I found that quite surprising, as I've never thought that would be the case for anyone.

To end on a good note, I met an interesting girl yesterday in the evening and wrote her on Messenger today. I really should meet even more new people. We'll see what comes out of this.

 

Future goals/direction:

-

 

Additional activities:

Personal finance: I've gone from actively spending time on this topic to more passive scanning.

Chess: I still do a bit of chess every now and then, but not as often as before.

Marksmanship: I've been having thoughts about returning to this hobby.

Films: I have watched several films in the last month.


-----


Masturbation - reminder:

L: I think it'll be as with gaming - I tried to haphazardly quit gaming multiple times, but finally by getting here I reached the breaking point. It's likely gonna take more than a few weeks and re-making the decision that I don't have time to waste. Ejaculation is easy for me to handle, it's just that masturbation overall is difficult to get rid of. It's a process.

This term was quite rough, especially with all the female attention that I've been getting recently. Masturbation is taking a toll on my sleep schedule, but I believe I will manage to handle it in a more healthy way. I'd like to think that I wouldn't do such a thing if I had a girl with whom I could have sex every (other) day, but my sexuality still my own responsibility even in that case and I have to deal with it in a way that doesn't screw me over.

T: After having sex, I found out that I am more accepting of masturbation and that I do not hinge on it as much. Maybe because I already internalized the belief that sex in "just another" (yet important) thing in my life or because it's easier to get than I thought. Either way, I sense more peace in myself in this area.


Meditation:

L: I never got around to do it, though it could be that I incorporate some of it while working out or singing along with music or while on a walk. I want to figure out where to put it into my daily rhythm. I meditated a few times and I enjoyed the calmness. I gotta step up the relaxing activities, even though it sounds like an oxymoron 😄

I think reading + meditation might be a good combo, it’s just that I have to remember to do it when I have enough time to read, but not enough time to go for a walk at the same time. It's getting cold outside though, so I will not read outside too much anymore.

T: -


Gratitude:

L: I managed to sneak it in into my journal a couple of times, so that's good. I'm grateful for all the new relationships and opportunities that flew into my life the last month. I'm going to make sure this continues.

T: -


---


Additional projects/misc/cool stuff finished last month:


Additional projects/misc/cool stuff upcoming this month:


---


Thoughts, ideas and additional comments/gratitude:

I think I have done a good job at incorporating psychology lectures I’ve seen/learnt into my life. I don’t want to re-live the experience I’ve had March/April 2019, because it could be deadly.

I gained the ability to plan after I quit games.

Life’s more colorful and more difficult to deal with, but at least I can look at myself in the mirror now and see myself less skewed than before.

I think I give meaning to things that deserve it now.

I am not horrified of free time anymore. This is a BIG one.

I am using my sociability more sensibly. No more trolling in Twitch chat and streaming.

Coming to think of it, I’ve never been overly anxious to begin with, just the normal amount. I asked girls out on dates on high school. I was just totally oblivious to the signals I sent/received.

I’m more conscious of both what I do and how I do it in relation with other people. I still get anxiety, but I act despite it. I stand tall and have my say.

I'm very lucky to have a mentor in the field I am excited about.

I'm grateful for everyone who has entered my life.

I EMBRACE THE FACT THAT ANYTHING I START DOING, I WILL DO IT BADLY. I CAN ONLY BECOME BETTER INCREMENTALLY AND BY PRACTICE.

It's less of a question WHAT I do compared to HOW and WHY I do it.

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Day 823:

I had English classes, wrote here, went for a walk and had a social evening.

Day 824:

I worked out at the gym, had an English class, finished my monthly report, watched "The Man from Acapulco", washed the dishes and met up with a friend in the evening.

Day 825:

I visited my family and met up with a friend in the evening.

Day 826:

I watched two films, worked out at the gym, went for a run, researched some resources for my (master's) thesis and had a social evening.

 

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Hey Ikar, you said in one of your earlier comments : “The annoying part of knowing what you want is you know when you have failed”

What do you think about the identity based approach, where you think more about how much you reflect a desired identity rather than the results that you are achieving?. After all, even the best athletes and businessmen have their share of failures.

On another note, Made me smile when you stated you have to put more effort into relaxing. My day took a very good turn when I did one of those things that I have a habit of avoiding.

Edited by Amphibian220
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Hey Amphibian!

19 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

Hey Ikar, you said in one of your earlier comments : “The annoying part of knowing what you want is you know when you have failed”

What do you think about the identity based approach, where you think more about how much you reflect a desired identity rather than the results that you are achieving?. After all, even the best athletes and businessmen have their share of failures.

I guess "having results" is as much as about having failures and having successes at the same time. I fell into the pit of having an awesome character and identity when I was gaming - thinking I was pure by not doing drugs (drinking), not having casual sex or by not lying.

In fact, I was full of shit. I was not drinking, because I had no friends I could drink with (and having "drinking friends" is a pretty low bar already). I was not having casual sex, because I was horrible with women and couldn't have sex with anyone in the first place. I was not lying directly in speech, because my actions lied for me (Peterson had an interesting observation on how most lies are not told, but acted out instead).

So in the end, when I am trying to get to know someone, I give them a my attention to see if they do what they say they do.

19 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

On another note, Made me smile when you stated you have to put more effort into relaxing. My day took a very good turn when I did one of those things that I have a habit of avoiding.

Starting out the day by nailing the most difficult thing first is a sound strategy!

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@Ikar

I’m rereading James Clear yet again and took notice of his rule of thumb: if something presents you with immediate enjoyment here and now, almost always it is going to lead to a bad outcome in the long term. And vice versa, activities associated with difficulty here and now are going to lead to great results in the long term.

I wonder if there are any examples that contradict this hypothesis but I haven’t found any. In fact this hypothesis changes my attitude whenever I come back to it.

Revising for exams is feeling fun now!

Edit: I think self-accountability and journaling are the greatest tools for becoming honest and developing a unique character. Nothing helped me more than that in the last ten or so years. 

Edited by Amphibian220
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9 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

I’m rereading James Clear yet again and took notice of his rule of thumb: if something presents you with immediate enjoyment here and now, almost always it is going to lead to a bad outcome in the long term. And vice versa, activities associated with difficulty here and now are going to lead to great results in the long term.

I wonder if there are any examples that contradict this hypothesis but I haven’t found any. In fact this hypothesis changes my attitude whenever I come back to it.

Revising for exams is feeling fun now!

I guess the case can be that if we are not always doing something "productive", then the future is going to be "worse". There are however activities that we can enjoy that take work as well though. For example, I enjoy working out or creating spreadsheets. There are also results that can't be calculated, for example because I am doing a new activity or the activity I am doing can't be measured well (e.g. going to a social event to make friends or to find dates).

9 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

Edit: I think self-accountability and journaling are the greatest tools for becoming honest and developing a unique character. Nothing helped me more than that in the last ten or so years. 

I think it can definitely be of great help, although as with everything, I think it works to the extent we want it to. In my case, I combine journaling with post-scheduling - in my Google calendar I put things that I have already done rather than what am I going to do, so I know what I did the week three months ago and compare it to these days.

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