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Day 684:

I had English classes, played football and spent time with my friends in the evening.

Day 685:

I worked on my bachelor thesis, went for a walk with the Spanish girl and was social in the evening.

Day 686:

I visited my family and had a social evening.

Day 687:

I worked on my bachelor thesis, watched a talk with Peterson and Manson and played chess.

Day 688:

I had English classes and spent time with the Spanish girl.

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Gratitude: I know it's IWD and I think it's best that I am grateful for everyone in my life, men and women alike.

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Day 690:

I worked on my bachelor thesis, put my bike in an operational condition, had English classes and got through an article by Manson.

Day 691:

I had English classes, worked on my monthly report and worked on my bachelor thesis.

Day 692:

I had English classes, played chess, went for a walk and worked on my monthly report.

Day 693:

I worked on my bachelor thesis, had an English class and played football.

Day 694:

I spent half the day with the Spanish girl, played chess and wrote a on the NMMNG forum.

Day 695:

I visited my family and played chess in the evening.

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Thanks @Jason70! I hope your journey here will take you to a better place, though don't be afraid if the road is devious or even leads to an unexpected destination.

Gratitude: I'm grateful for the GQ community. I am not as active as I used to be, but I am still here after almost 100 weeks.

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I'm using the template I used the last time. 10/02/20 - 15/03/20


"L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term.

I added "Future goals/direction" to better reflect on the things I am trying to do and to add specificity. I will copy it and stick it somewhere where I can see it to remind myself whenever I feel aimless. I will also use different colors: white (default) for newly added goals, green for completed/successful, orange for ongoing/some progress and red for ones I haven't worked on in that period.


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Active writing (blogs/writings/journal):

L: I hardly wrote anything these past 6 weeks or so. When I wrote, I was working on my bachelor thesis, writing my diary here or writing on the NMMNG forum, but I spent little time on either of them.

T: I worked on the exercises for NMMNG a bit. I think my journaling here was reasonable too. No Past Authoring or blog writing though.

Future goals/direction:

Finish Past Authoring and the whole course.

Write on my blog.

Keep writing in my diary here twice a week.

Work on "Breaking Free Exercises" from the NMMNG book.

 


Books/Reading articles:

L: I finished the "Extreme Ownership" on 2nd January. I got into reading "Swann in Love" by Proust, but I think so far it's been only one session of reading before bed over a week ago. It's more of a "calm down before bed" book and I normally am calm before bed regardless. I've been keeping up the newsletters.

T: I picked up "Ordinary Men" and got through it rather quickly, the topics of psychology and war grip me strongly. The progress on newsletters has been slow.

Future goals/direction:

Pick up "Ordinary Men" I got for Christmas.

Continue getting through the newsletters.

Pick up "The Prince" by Machiavelli.

 


Family:

L: Mom is home and I feel all the stuff that she had to go through made her a more responsible person and maybe shifted her values in a way to be more family-oriented. That's good news, at least for me personally and other family members.

T: Maybe you remember that in the past, I put here some words that I should talk to my family members. I actually did talk to my mom a few weeks ago to support her current behavior, but I haven't talked in that way to my father and brother (and grandma, to an extent).

I plan to talk to all my family members in a private (separate) manner this month and... share my thoughts with them and have a bit closer relationship with them? The Spanish girl encouraged me to do it, after I told her about my relationship with my family. It's not that it's horrible, but I feel it is somewhat distant and that most of my friends have closer ties with their family members, even if not with all of them. I already expressed myself to mom.

Future goals/direction:

Talk to my family members separately.

 


University:

L: I finished the exams as planned. I've started working on my bachelor thesis, figuring out my masters and the process of going abroad via VIA Exchange. I've been putting in the hours into university quite steadily.

T: I've been working on my bachelor thesis, but I think I have to step up, as I need to finish it by the start of May and I also have to study for the graduation exams. I have a prime opportunity now to grind down on the thesis in the next few weeks. I chose my masters and applied for VIA/Erasmus for the next year.

Future goals/direction:

Work on the bachelor thesis.

Choose my masters program in a month.

Apply successfully for VIA Exchange by passing the tests and interviews.

Start studying for the finals.

 


Exercise/movement:

L: Less walks. I think I had sex more times than I went for a walk. Otherwise nothing continual.

T: I did some purposeful exercise in the past few weeks, but I mostly find that I go for walks (alone or with a friend) and have sex with the Spanish girl. The time length of the act obviously varies, but I think the average could be three times a week for at least half an hour.

Future goals/direction:

Work out twice/thrice a week in my room.

Keep in shape (using walks/sex/exercise).

 


Social:

L: I had about a week of nearly no social activity around Christmas. I had no classes to teach and most of the people from the dorm were home. I felt somewhat uncomfortable because of it. The rest of the time, the evenings were predominantly social. I think I use the evenings to blow off steam after a day's work and to actually see people and to talk to them for two three hours.

T: I spent a lot of time with the Spanish girl, not only having sex, but also talking about our opinions, philosophy for life, singing or going for walks, so often I didn't feel the need to be collectively social in the evening, though I still spent time with my Czech and international friends. There have been some cases of anginas and CV at the dorms in the past two weeks, so there were less chances to meet, but I feel healthy and the Spanish girl got tested for CV on Saturday, so I'm clean.

Future goals/direction:

-

 


English:

L: My current workload is 12 hours per week, sometimes fluctuating to 15. I took the substitution opportunity in January for three weeks that basically doubled the amount for a while. I watched some online seminars and tried a few new activities with students. The co-operation is not viable until we can meet normally.

T: My current workload is around 18 hours per week. I got a few courses from my secondary employer, so it's good that I was able to diversify a little. There's a third subject that I could teach for, but they offer me 80% for their courses, because they deducted the rate when the course is online. I asked for the pay rise from my primary employer and although it didn't work out, they wrote that we can revisit the topic in September if things go well.

Future goals/direction:

I am going to send out some mails again to language schools and various other subjects to set up interviews from my secondary email.

I am going to pursue closer co-operation with my English mentor.

I am going to check out a few more seminars on how to run online courses.

The idea of asking for a raise has been on my mind for a while. I have a potential partial replacement, but it's shoddy, so I don't want to quit my main employer. The bad news is that I don't even see my boss during these times. I want to get some advice for this from others.

 

 

Women/dating:

L: I learnt that perhaps I do not have as hard-core of a monogamous mentality as I thought I would have. I'm also probably more aware than ever that everybody is fucked up, including myself. There are a few women I could think of in the romantic plane in my area. I don't think it makes much sense to be writing about specific women though. I came to the realization that planning in this area is usually cumbersome and counterproductive.

I cut one of the relationships, did sex and I'm keeping my eyes peeled.

I was predicting the change in my sexual mindset and behavior for a long time. I behaved and acted in line with it. I just needed the reality to catch up on it; similarly to that when I was gaming, I got fired from the post office several days after I quit gaming, because most of my (unsatisfactory) work there was done when I was still gaming.

In the past, I believe I looked at the more obvious sexual displays of others with both distaste and envy at the same time. Especially when I thought that I have no other option than to sit and do nothing or to get drunk and hope that something happens. It just took some time to internalize that the thing standing between me and a good (even if only sexual) relationship with a woman is... me.

As long as there are two consenting adults, whatever goes. Whether it's a good idea or not is another question (given the circumstances), but I won't villanify that behavior a priori anymore.

That said, a horrible relationship is better than none at all. The cataclysmic end of my last one was likely the trigger for me to quit games for good. Nothing is forcing anyone to stay and die in a horrible relationship, except the lack of options in one's head. (December)

I learnt a lot about the sexuality of women over the past few weeks by spending time with the Spanish girl. I learnt a bunch about my sexuality as well. I also learnt relationships can be more nuanced. It's been a great learning experience so far. (January/February)

T: I think this section needs a bit of an update, mainly so that I myself know what I've been through.

I've spent about two months with the Spanish girl and this morning she left home for three weeks, after which she should come back. I feel that she's into me, that she cares about me and that she doesn't want to lose me (be it to another relationship or due to some quarrel between us, though I find the latter less likely), though at the same time I feel we both want to assert ourselves to leave other options available. In my case to find someone more "permanent" to date/be together with, because I know she'll be gone in the summer. In her case it's different relationship philosophy and uniqueness of every relationship.

To explain that further, she actually encouraged me to meet other girls to see what might come out of it, which is generally something I am not 100% confident at and could use some practice in. Regardless, despite our differences, I feel that we're willing to respect each other and not argue about them.

Future goals/direction:

-

 

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Masturbation - reminder:

L: I think it'll be as with gaming - I tried to haphazardly quit gaming multiple times, but finally by getting here I reached the breaking point. It's likely gonna take more than a few weeks and re-making the decision that I don't have time to waste. Ejaculation is easy for me to handle, it's just that masturbation overall is difficult to get rid of. It's a process.

This term was quite rough, especially with all the female attention that I've been getting recently. Masturbation is taking a toll on my sleep schedule, but I believe I will manage to handle it in a more healthy way. I'd like to think that I wouldn't do such a thing if I had a girl with whom I could have sex every (other) day, but my sexuality still my own responsibility even in that case and I have to deal with it in a way that doesn't screw me over.

T: After having sex, I found out that I am more accepting of masturbation and that I do not hinge on it as much. Maybe because I already internalized the belief that sex in "just another" (yet important) thing in my life or because it's easier to get than I thought. Either way, I sense more peace in myself in this area.


Meditation:

L: I never got around to do it, though it could be that I incorporate some of it while working out or singing along with music or while on a walk. I want to figure out where to put it into my daily rhythm. I meditated a few times and I enjoyed the calmness. I gotta step up the relaxing activities, even though it sounds like an oxymoron 😄

I think reading + meditation might be a good combo, it’s just that I have to remember to do it when I have enough time to read, but not enough time to go for a walk at the same time. It's getting cold outside though, so I will not read outside too much anymore.

T: -


Gratitude:

L: I managed to sneak it in into my journal a couple of times, so that's good. I'm grateful for all the new relationships and opportunities that flew into my life the last month. I'm going to make sure this continues.

T: -


Additional thoughts:

Find out in greater detail what it is that I am exactly aiming at - finish the Self-Authoring exercise.

The division of the day for me is usually this: uni work in the morning, self-care (walks, reading, writing etc.) in the afternoon and fun in the evening with English classes scattered throughout the day randomly.

I began experiencing the feeling of inadequacy whenever somebody brings up "responsibility" or "discipline" as one of my virtues and I think that's good, because it means I have room for progress in the area (mainly in the area of masturbation). I don't think I am a complete hypocrite - I think I am reasonably responsible in my life and I'm not dependent on anyone else. I'm placing extreme attention to this area and I'm extremely supportive when people decide to make the "responsible" decisions, act nobly despite tragedy and so on.

Related to that, I think both my "fun" time went up, as well as the the "responsibility" time. I sense I do both of these things better than ever before. I seem to be happy with the balance of my life at the moment.

 

I still need to work on my fun/responsibility time management though. It's a process.


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Additional projects/misc/cool stuff finished last month:


Additional projects/misc/cool stuff upcoming this month:


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Thoughts, ideas and additional comments/gratitude:

 
Spoiler

Spoiler

 

I think I have done a good job at incorporating psychology lectures I’ve seen/learnt into my life. I don’t want to re-live the experience I’ve had last March/April, because it could be deadly.

I gained the ability to plan after I quit games.

Regained/new daily habits: I clean my teeth daily, Duolingo, journaling, working out.

Life’s more colorful and more difficult to deal with, but at least I can look at myself in the mirror now and see myself less skewed than before.

I think I give meaning to things that deserve it now.

I am not horrified of free time anymore. This is a BIG one.

I am using my sociability more sensibly. No more trolling in Twitch chat and streaming.

Coming to think of it, I’ve never been overly anxious to begin with, just the normal amount. I asked girls out on dates on high school. I was just totally oblivious to the signals I sent/received.

I’m more conscious of both what I do and how I do it in relation with other people. I still get anxiety, but I act despite it. I stand tall and have my say.

I'm very lucky to have a mentor in the field I am excited about.

I'm grateful for everyone who has entered my life.

I EMBRACE THE FACT THAT ANYTHING I START DOING, I WILL DO IT BADLY. I CAN ONLY BECOME BETTER INCREMENTALLY AND BY PRACTICE.

It's less of a question WHAT I do compared to HOW and WHY I do it.

 


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I spoke about a raise at my place and this was refused. I stayed on for two months and 10 days as an unpaid trainee and terminated my internship at that.

I think in most cases that its ok to continue working until you find something more worthwhile. Also intellectual growth on the job is valuable. I was in a position where no growth occurred in two years, but the pay was above average. It wasn’t right and it led to loss of learning ability.

So if you are learning and the pay is good, I would Continue.

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1 hour ago, Amphibian220 said:

I spoke about a raise at my place and this was refused. I stayed on for two months and 10 days as an unpaid trainee and terminated my internship at that.

I think in most cases that its ok to continue working until you find something more worthwhile. Also intellectual growth on the job is valuable. I was in a position where no growth occurred in two years, but the pay was above average. It wasn’t right and it led to loss of learning ability.

So if you are learning and the pay is good, I would Continue.

The learning part is primarily on me. I sometimes get feedback from the students, but mostly I have to educate myself by watching free online seminars made by the language schools or studying their materials. Every student is different too. I recently gathered the courage to try a new activity in some of my classes and the students were excited.

I don't think there's anything better paid in my area, unless I'd have my own employees. In fact, I'll be paid less once I finish my studies, because now I have a tax discount due to the fact I'm a university student.

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Day 695:

I accompanied the Spanish girl to the bus, finished my monthly report, had English classes, went for a walk with a friend, played chess and desktops in the evening.

Day 696:

I worked on the bachelor thesis, did the laundry, started reading "The Prince", had English classes and played desktops in the evening.

Day 697:

I worked on the bachelor thesis, had English classes, read and went for a walk.

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I'm keeping myself fairly busy, though I am reminded a few times a day of the absence of the Spanish girl. She should return at the beginning of April, so I am going to make the best use of my time and funnel it towards the bachelor thesis, reading and exercise.

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Gratitude: I'm grateful for being independent, so that I can decide about what I want to do.

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Day 698:

I had English classes, worked on my bachelor thesis, read and played chess in the evening.

Day 699:

I had English classes, worked on my bachelor thesis, went for a walk with a friend and had a video call with the Spanish girl.

Day 700:

I worked on my bachelor thesis, went for a walk with a friend, played football, had a video call with the Spanish girl and played chess in the evening.

Day 701:

I worked on my bachelor thesis, visited my family and my grandma and then went to play Scrabble and then slept over at my friend's place.

Day 702:

I had English classes, finished reading "The Prince", cleaned my room and washed the dishes and had a social evening.

Day 703:

I worked on my bachelor thesis, had English classes, a video call with the Spanish girl, read about the "FIRE" (financial independence - retire early) concept and played chess in the evening.

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I've been working on the bachelor thesis, but I'm not satisfied with the speed of my progress. I think I should be working more, even though I work pretty much daily. My total time spent working (teaching + mails etc.) and studying (working on the thesis + mails/online calls for Erasmus etc.) was 25 hours on the first week of March, 23 hours on the second week and 32 hours on the third (last) week, so there's been an upward trajectory. Regardless, I want to have the thesis done by 14th April, so then I'll have a month and a half to study for the finals. I'm gonna try to be less social in the evenings to achieve this.

If the situation is good, I'll go abroad in about a year, as I've been accepted to go for Erasmus to Germany the next year.

I've been pondering with the concept of FIRE ever since I quit gaming - I went to my mail and noticed the first newsletter from a website regarding the concept was in spring 2019. It's basically about learning how to save more, spending money and time on things that matter, rather than on useless flashy things. I want to put more time into exploring it now, although I think I have more time than money at the moment. As a result, I am willing to take on more classes and I'm gonna think more about my time usage. English teaching is quite decent for me as far as money making goes for now, but I might have to transition to something (hopefully!) as fun and more paid after I graduate from the university.

The calls with the Spanish girl have been going surprisingly well. I'm always a bit worried that there will be nothing to talk about and that we're going to stare at each other, but we always come up with something to do together. It's not the same as if we were together for real, but at least I have something to look forward to when she returns in a week.

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Gratitude: I'm grateful for the freedom (and discipline!) that I have in my life.

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Day 704:

I had English classes, wrote here, worked on my bachelor thesis, went for a walk, did some research into FIRE and played chess in the evening.

Day 705:

I had English classes, worked on the thesis, played football and had a video-call with the Spanish girl.

Day 706:

I had an English class, worked on the thesis, did research into FIRE, went for a walk and went to bed early.

Day 707:

I did research into FIRE, played football, helped a friend apply for her Erasmus, had a talk with another friend from the dorms and had a video-call with my high-school classmates.

Day 708:

I did research into FIRE and visited my family and later my grandma.

Day 709:

I had English classes, did research into FIRE, worked on the thesis, played football and took photos of my car to advertise it.

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I had quite difficult days on Thursday and Friday. It wasn't because of anything external, I think I just stepped on the gas too much and tried to do something for the whole day all the time. I decided to mostly relax on Saturday as a result of that and visiting my family on Sunday also helped change the environment.

The "research into FIRE" is about increasing my financial literacy and preparing myself to start doing something serious and long-term with my finance allocation. I've had a few mistakes/learning moments with my finances in the past, but I want to be smarter about it now. I'm going to conduct more research in the next week or two, but the baseline will be about putting money into ETFs and index funds (buying a share of the whole market) and then holding them for a long time (years and decades).

I've been playing football recently with the other guys. The weather is starting to get nice. It's good exercise, so I am happy for that.

The Saturday call with my high-school classmates was interesting. I was surprised all of them knew Peterson in one way or another. We caught up on each others' lives and had a chat long into the night.

---

Gratitude: I'm grateful for my friends who are there when I need them.

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Day 710:

I researched finances, worked on my bachelor thesis, had English classes, was writing an ad to potentially sell my car and talked to a friend in the evening.

Day 711:

I had English classes, chose my new phone, was writing an ad to potentially sell my car and went for a walk.

Day 712:

I researched finances, had English classes, went to visit my parents on a bike, helped my father to drive to the car service and spent the evening with the Spanish girl.

Day 713:

I researched finances and spent the day with the Spanish girl.

Day 714:

I researched finances and spent the day with the Spanish girl.

Day 715:

I researched finances, worked on my bachelor thesis, spent some time with the Spanish girl, visited my family, cleaned my room and talked to a friend in the evening.

Day 716:

I researched finances, worked on my bachelor thesis, finished writing the ad to potentially sell my car, played football and now I'm writing this.

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A very busy week with a lot of things going on.

I got a new phone (Xiaomi Redmi Note 10) for a small amount of money. The old one was one my brother gave me two or three years ago when he bought a new one and it is 6 years old. The main reason to get new the phone was that I ran into problems with my old one being obsolete to run new apps, so I got one with the newest OS for the lowest price. It also has four cameras and a lot of other functionalities I need to research (and hardly understand why are they there!) I feel old, haha. I plan on using it until it becomes obsolete just like my old phone.

I've been researching personal finance and investing extensively the last two weeks. I'm going to commit to a long-term investment plan into index funds and ETFs, mainly because it's simple, profitable, easy to understand and isn't a "get rich quick" scheme. For anyone interested in personal finance, there's a nice (and free!) course covering the fundamentals of managing personal finance and indeed finance in general. I hope you'll find it interesting and enlightening as I do!

I've also put my car up for sale, just in case anyone's interested in it. There's a shortage of used cars on the market due to the CV situation and I'm willing to sell it if I get a decent amount of money for it.

I also took my bike for a spin and it was nice to cycle again this year. I might use my bike more often if I sell my car, which would be beneficial for my fitness.

I sort of sidetracked the thesis the previous week. I'm gonna get back at it this week, as I want to submit it in a bit over than a week and I think that's realistic.

The Spanish girl came back on 1st. We're different in certain ways, but we respect each other and our relationship seems to be working well. We spent almost the whole day Friday and Saturday together, cooking, talking, having sex... I'm grateful she's around again.

---

Gratitude: I'm grateful for my activity and vigor to make my life (and subsequently the life of others) better.

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Day 717:

I researched finances, worked on my bachelor thesis, had English classes and spent the evening playing desktops.

Day 718:

I had English classes, did the laundry and spent some time with the Spanish girl.

Day 719:

I researched finances, worked on my bachelor thesis, had English classes and played desktops in the evening.

Day 720:

I worked on my bachelor thesis, researched finances and went to the shop and shopped with the Spanish girl.

Day 721:

I worked on my bachelor thesis, played football, talked to a friend, watched a film and was social in the evening.

Day 722:

I spent the day with my family, then I cycled and played desktops.

---

I think the week was just as busy as the last one, although there are less single-time/closed things to report about.

Even though my diary is at this point lead roughly on a weekly basis, I still find reporting what I did during my days based on the activities my Google Calendar useful.

Related to that, the Spanish girl voiced her concern that I plan my time a lot, that I externalize my being into the schedule too much and that I later analyze the schedule rather than to analyze myself and my behaviors directly.

I haven't really planned my free time for a long time. The haphazardness of my work on certain projects reflects that (mainly with the thesis), as my planner is blank and I write what I did only after I had finished the activity, aside from marking down my English classes, so I know when I work.

The point of analyzing my behaviors directly is not a bad one, though I know she was aiming at the inconsistency between my "planner" approach and one recent interpersonal situation by which I got confused, though it got solved in a reasonable matter in the end. I've also come to realize that there are certain situations where I do not know enough and that it's better to swallow my pride and show my ignorance, rather than to go into an argument for no reason. It's been working surprisingly well for me.

I think I rather need to figure out why I try to "dodge" things like my thesis. Finance reading/researching is my current passion project and I wish I had half the enthusiasm for the thesis. I think there I need more discipline.

Somewhat related to that, she found it extremely odd that I never cry. I think due to my years of emotional repression while gaming, I developed the ability to push through anything no matter what and perhaps slow down a bit when things are not going my way. I rather do things than wallow in my problems, though I remember crying only in extreme situations, e.g. the breakup with my X. I just do not have the urge to cry regularly, simply because I am usually able to maintain detached and take "bad things happening to me" as learning experiences, as I know I acted to the best of my ability and if it didn't work out, then I need to do something differently the next time.

I should also work on my monthly report, but thesis gets priority, I need to focus my writing there.

---

Gratitude: I'm grateful for good questions.

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Day 723:

I had English classes, played football, worked on my thesis and played desktops in the evening.

Day 724:

I had English classes, worked on the thesis, researched finances, got through my newsletters and talked to a friend in the evening.

Day 725:

I had English classes, worked on my thesis and played desktops in the evening.

Day 726:

I had English classes, worked on the free course in finances I mentioned before, worked on the thesis and played desktops in the evening.

Day 727:

I had English classes, researched finances, worked on the thesis, went for a walk, to the shop and watched a comedy in the evening.

Day 728:

I worked on the thesis, researched finances, did the laundry, went for a walk and relaxed.

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I have worked on the thesis every day this week and it added up to about 10 hours of work. I'm confident I can finish it completely in the next few days.

I'm still researching some quirks of my personal finance. I find it quite entertaining to spend an hour or two doing that.

The Spanish girl hasn't been around the past week, as she's gone to travel now that it's allowed again. I can say I miss the intimacy and closeness. Then again it makes me grateful for those moments I spent with her.

A normal week, nothing too crazy.

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