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Ikar's Diary


Ikar
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Day 684:

I had English classes, played football and spent time with my friends in the evening.

Day 685:

I worked on my bachelor thesis, went for a walk with the Spanish girl and was social in the evening.

Day 686:

I visited my family and had a social evening.

Day 687:

I worked on my bachelor thesis, watched a talk with Peterson and Manson and played chess.

Day 688:

I had English classes and spent time with the Spanish girl.

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Gratitude: I know it's IWD and I think it's best that I am grateful for everyone in my life, men and women alike.

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Sounds like things have been going well for you! I wish you luck on your thesis! 

Best 

Jason

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Day 690:

I worked on my bachelor thesis, put my bike in an operational condition, had English classes and got through an article by Manson.

Day 691:

I had English classes, worked on my monthly report and worked on my bachelor thesis.

Day 692:

I had English classes, played chess, went for a walk and worked on my monthly report.

Day 693:

I worked on my bachelor thesis, had an English class and played football.

Day 694:

I spent half the day with the Spanish girl, played chess and wrote a on the NMMNG forum.

Day 695:

I visited my family and played chess in the evening.

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Thanks @Jason70! I hope your journey here will take you to a better place, though don't be afraid if the road is devious or even leads to an unexpected destination.

Gratitude: I'm grateful for the GQ community. I am not as active as I used to be, but I am still here after almost 100 weeks.

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I'm using the template I used the last time. 10/02/20 - 15/03/20


"L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term.

I added "Future goals/direction" to better reflect on the things I am trying to do and to add specificity. I will copy it and stick it somewhere where I can see it to remind myself whenever I feel aimless. I will also use different colors: white (default) for newly added goals, green for completed/successful, orange for ongoing/some progress and red for ones I haven't worked on in that period.


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Active writing (blogs/writings/journal):

L: I hardly wrote anything these past 6 weeks or so. When I wrote, I was working on my bachelor thesis, writing my diary here or writing on the NMMNG forum, but I spent little time on either of them.

T: I worked on the exercises for NMMNG a bit. I think my journaling here was reasonable too. No Past Authoring or blog writing though.

Future goals/direction:

Finish Past Authoring and the whole course.

Write on my blog.

Keep writing in my diary here twice a week.

Work on "Breaking Free Exercises" from the NMMNG book.

 


Books/Reading articles:

L: I finished the "Extreme Ownership" on 2nd January. I got into reading "Swann in Love" by Proust, but I think so far it's been only one session of reading before bed over a week ago. It's more of a "calm down before bed" book and I normally am calm before bed regardless. I've been keeping up the newsletters.

T: I picked up "Ordinary Men" and got through it rather quickly, the topics of psychology and war grip me strongly. The progress on newsletters has been slow.

Future goals/direction:

Pick up "Ordinary Men" I got for Christmas.

Continue getting through the newsletters.

Pick up "The Prince" by Machiavelli.

 


Family:

L: Mom is home and I feel all the stuff that she had to go through made her a more responsible person and maybe shifted her values in a way to be more family-oriented. That's good news, at least for me personally and other family members.

T: Maybe you remember that in the past, I put here some words that I should talk to my family members. I actually did talk to my mom a few weeks ago to support her current behavior, but I haven't talked in that way to my father and brother (and grandma, to an extent).

I plan to talk to all my family members in a private (separate) manner this month and... share my thoughts with them and have a bit closer relationship with them? The Spanish girl encouraged me to do it, after I told her about my relationship with my family. It's not that it's horrible, but I feel it is somewhat distant and that most of my friends have closer ties with their family members, even if not with all of them. I already expressed myself to mom.

Future goals/direction:

Talk to my family members separately.

 


University:

L: I finished the exams as planned. I've started working on my bachelor thesis, figuring out my masters and the process of going abroad via VIA Exchange. I've been putting in the hours into university quite steadily.

T: I've been working on my bachelor thesis, but I think I have to step up, as I need to finish it by the start of May and I also have to study for the graduation exams. I have a prime opportunity now to grind down on the thesis in the next few weeks. I chose my masters and applied for VIA/Erasmus for the next year.

Future goals/direction:

Work on the bachelor thesis.

Choose my masters program in a month.

Apply successfully for VIA Exchange by passing the tests and interviews.

Start studying for the finals.

 


Exercise/movement:

L: Less walks. I think I had sex more times than I went for a walk. Otherwise nothing continual.

T: I did some purposeful exercise in the past few weeks, but I mostly find that I go for walks (alone or with a friend) and have sex with the Spanish girl. The time length of the act obviously varies, but I think the average could be three times a week for at least half an hour.

Future goals/direction:

Work out twice/thrice a week in my room.

Keep in shape (using walks/sex/exercise).

 


Social:

L: I had about a week of nearly no social activity around Christmas. I had no classes to teach and most of the people from the dorm were home. I felt somewhat uncomfortable because of it. The rest of the time, the evenings were predominantly social. I think I use the evenings to blow off steam after a day's work and to actually see people and to talk to them for two three hours.

T: I spent a lot of time with the Spanish girl, not only having sex, but also talking about our opinions, philosophy for life, singing or going for walks, so often I didn't feel the need to be collectively social in the evening, though I still spent time with my Czech and international friends. There have been some cases of anginas and CV at the dorms in the past two weeks, so there were less chances to meet, but I feel healthy and the Spanish girl got tested for CV on Saturday, so I'm clean.

Future goals/direction:

-

 


English:

L: My current workload is 12 hours per week, sometimes fluctuating to 15. I took the substitution opportunity in January for three weeks that basically doubled the amount for a while. I watched some online seminars and tried a few new activities with students. The co-operation is not viable until we can meet normally.

T: My current workload is around 18 hours per week. I got a few courses from my secondary employer, so it's good that I was able to diversify a little. There's a third subject that I could teach for, but they offer me 80% for their courses, because they deducted the rate when the course is online. I asked for the pay rise from my primary employer and although it didn't work out, they wrote that we can revisit the topic in September if things go well.

Future goals/direction:

I am going to send out some mails again to language schools and various other subjects to set up interviews from my secondary email.

I am going to pursue closer co-operation with my English mentor.

I am going to check out a few more seminars on how to run online courses.

The idea of asking for a raise has been on my mind for a while. I have a potential partial replacement, but it's shoddy, so I don't want to quit my main employer. The bad news is that I don't even see my boss during these times. I want to get some advice for this from others.

 

 

Women/dating:

L: I learnt that perhaps I do not have as hard-core of a monogamous mentality as I thought I would have. I'm also probably more aware than ever that everybody is fucked up, including myself. There are a few women I could think of in the romantic plane in my area. I don't think it makes much sense to be writing about specific women though. I came to the realization that planning in this area is usually cumbersome and counterproductive.

I cut one of the relationships, did sex and I'm keeping my eyes peeled.

I was predicting the change in my sexual mindset and behavior for a long time. I behaved and acted in line with it. I just needed the reality to catch up on it; similarly to that when I was gaming, I got fired from the post office several days after I quit gaming, because most of my (unsatisfactory) work there was done when I was still gaming.

In the past, I believe I looked at the more obvious sexual displays of others with both distaste and envy at the same time. Especially when I thought that I have no other option than to sit and do nothing or to get drunk and hope that something happens. It just took some time to internalize that the thing standing between me and a good (even if only sexual) relationship with a woman is... me.

As long as there are two consenting adults, whatever goes. Whether it's a good idea or not is another question (given the circumstances), but I won't villanify that behavior a priori anymore.

That said, a horrible relationship is better than none at all. The cataclysmic end of my last one was likely the trigger for me to quit games for good. Nothing is forcing anyone to stay and die in a horrible relationship, except the lack of options in one's head. (December)

I learnt a lot about the sexuality of women over the past few weeks by spending time with the Spanish girl. I learnt a bunch about my sexuality as well. I also learnt relationships can be more nuanced. It's been a great learning experience so far. (January/February)

T: I think this section needs a bit of an update, mainly so that I myself know what I've been through.

I've spent about two months with the Spanish girl and this morning she left home for three weeks, after which she should come back. I feel that she's into me, that she cares about me and that she doesn't want to lose me (be it to another relationship or due to some quarrel between us, though I find the latter less likely), though at the same time I feel we both want to assert ourselves to leave other options available. In my case to find someone more "permanent" to date/be together with, because I know she'll be gone in the summer. In her case it's different relationship philosophy and uniqueness of every relationship.

To explain that further, she actually encouraged me to meet other girls to see what might come out of it, which is generally something I am not 100% confident at and could use some practice in. Regardless, despite our differences, I feel that we're willing to respect each other and not argue about them.

Future goals/direction:

-

 

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Masturbation - reminder:

L: I think it'll be as with gaming - I tried to haphazardly quit gaming multiple times, but finally by getting here I reached the breaking point. It's likely gonna take more than a few weeks and re-making the decision that I don't have time to waste. Ejaculation is easy for me to handle, it's just that masturbation overall is difficult to get rid of. It's a process.

This term was quite rough, especially with all the female attention that I've been getting recently. Masturbation is taking a toll on my sleep schedule, but I believe I will manage to handle it in a more healthy way. I'd like to think that I wouldn't do such a thing if I had a girl with whom I could have sex every (other) day, but my sexuality still my own responsibility even in that case and I have to deal with it in a way that doesn't screw me over.

T: After having sex, I found out that I am more accepting of masturbation and that I do not hinge on it as much. Maybe because I already internalized the belief that sex in "just another" (yet important) thing in my life or because it's easier to get than I thought. Either way, I sense more peace in myself in this area.


Meditation:

L: I never got around to do it, though it could be that I incorporate some of it while working out or singing along with music or while on a walk. I want to figure out where to put it into my daily rhythm. I meditated a few times and I enjoyed the calmness. I gotta step up the relaxing activities, even though it sounds like an oxymoron 😄

I think reading + meditation might be a good combo, it’s just that I have to remember to do it when I have enough time to read, but not enough time to go for a walk at the same time. It's getting cold outside though, so I will not read outside too much anymore.

T: -


Gratitude:

L: I managed to sneak it in into my journal a couple of times, so that's good. I'm grateful for all the new relationships and opportunities that flew into my life the last month. I'm going to make sure this continues.

T: -


Additional thoughts:

Find out in greater detail what it is that I am exactly aiming at - finish the Self-Authoring exercise.

The division of the day for me is usually this: uni work in the morning, self-care (walks, reading, writing etc.) in the afternoon and fun in the evening with English classes scattered throughout the day randomly.

I began experiencing the feeling of inadequacy whenever somebody brings up "responsibility" or "discipline" as one of my virtues and I think that's good, because it means I have room for progress in the area (mainly in the area of masturbation). I don't think I am a complete hypocrite - I think I am reasonably responsible in my life and I'm not dependent on anyone else. I'm placing extreme attention to this area and I'm extremely supportive when people decide to make the "responsible" decisions, act nobly despite tragedy and so on.

Related to that, I think both my "fun" time went up, as well as the the "responsibility" time. I sense I do both of these things better than ever before. I seem to be happy with the balance of my life at the moment.

 

I still need to work on my fun/responsibility time management though. It's a process.


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Additional projects/misc/cool stuff finished last month:


Additional projects/misc/cool stuff upcoming this month:


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Thoughts, ideas and additional comments/gratitude:

 
Spoiler

Spoiler

 

I think I have done a good job at incorporating psychology lectures I’ve seen/learnt into my life. I don’t want to re-live the experience I’ve had last March/April, because it could be deadly.

I gained the ability to plan after I quit games.

Regained/new daily habits: I clean my teeth daily, Duolingo, journaling, working out.

Life’s more colorful and more difficult to deal with, but at least I can look at myself in the mirror now and see myself less skewed than before.

I think I give meaning to things that deserve it now.

I am not horrified of free time anymore. This is a BIG one.

I am using my sociability more sensibly. No more trolling in Twitch chat and streaming.

Coming to think of it, I’ve never been overly anxious to begin with, just the normal amount. I asked girls out on dates on high school. I was just totally oblivious to the signals I sent/received.

I’m more conscious of both what I do and how I do it in relation with other people. I still get anxiety, but I act despite it. I stand tall and have my say.

I'm very lucky to have a mentor in the field I am excited about.

I'm grateful for everyone who has entered my life.

I EMBRACE THE FACT THAT ANYTHING I START DOING, I WILL DO IT BADLY. I CAN ONLY BECOME BETTER INCREMENTALLY AND BY PRACTICE.

It's less of a question WHAT I do compared to HOW and WHY I do it.

 


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I spoke about a raise at my place and this was refused. I stayed on for two months and 10 days as an unpaid trainee and terminated my internship at that.

I think in most cases that its ok to continue working until you find something more worthwhile. Also intellectual growth on the job is valuable. I was in a position where no growth occurred in two years, but the pay was above average. It wasn’t right and it led to loss of learning ability.

So if you are learning and the pay is good, I would Continue.

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1 hour ago, Amphibian220 said:

I spoke about a raise at my place and this was refused. I stayed on for two months and 10 days as an unpaid trainee and terminated my internship at that.

I think in most cases that its ok to continue working until you find something more worthwhile. Also intellectual growth on the job is valuable. I was in a position where no growth occurred in two years, but the pay was above average. It wasn’t right and it led to loss of learning ability.

So if you are learning and the pay is good, I would Continue.

The learning part is primarily on me. I sometimes get feedback from the students, but mostly I have to educate myself by watching free online seminars made by the language schools or studying their materials. Every student is different too. I recently gathered the courage to try a new activity in some of my classes and the students were excited.

I don't think there's anything better paid in my area, unless I'd have my own employees. In fact, I'll be paid less once I finish my studies, because now I have a tax discount due to the fact I'm a university student.

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Day 695:

I accompanied the Spanish girl to the bus, finished my monthly report, had English classes, went for a walk with a friend, played chess and desktops in the evening.

Day 696:

I worked on the bachelor thesis, did the laundry, started reading "The Prince", had English classes and played desktops in the evening.

Day 697:

I worked on the bachelor thesis, had English classes, read and went for a walk.

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I'm keeping myself fairly busy, though I am reminded a few times a day of the absence of the Spanish girl. She should return at the beginning of April, so I am going to make the best use of my time and funnel it towards the bachelor thesis, reading and exercise.

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Gratitude: I'm grateful for being independent, so that I can decide about what I want to do.

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Day 698:

I had English classes, worked on my bachelor thesis, read and played chess in the evening.

Day 699:

I had English classes, worked on my bachelor thesis, went for a walk with a friend and had a video call with the Spanish girl.

Day 700:

I worked on my bachelor thesis, went for a walk with a friend, played football, had a video call with the Spanish girl and played chess in the evening.

Day 701:

I worked on my bachelor thesis, visited my family and my grandma and then went to play Scrabble and then slept over at my friend's place.

Day 702:

I had English classes, finished reading "The Prince", cleaned my room and washed the dishes and had a social evening.

Day 703:

I worked on my bachelor thesis, had English classes, a video call with the Spanish girl, read about the "FIRE" (financial independence - retire early) concept and played chess in the evening.

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I've been working on the bachelor thesis, but I'm not satisfied with the speed of my progress. I think I should be working more, even though I work pretty much daily. My total time spent working (teaching + mails etc.) and studying (working on the thesis + mails/online calls for Erasmus etc.) was 25 hours on the first week of March, 23 hours on the second week and 32 hours on the third (last) week, so there's been an upward trajectory. Regardless, I want to have the thesis done by 14th April, so then I'll have a month and a half to study for the finals. I'm gonna try to be less social in the evenings to achieve this.

If the situation is good, I'll go abroad in about a year, as I've been accepted to go for Erasmus to Germany the next year.

I've been pondering with the concept of FIRE ever since I quit gaming - I went to my mail and noticed the first newsletter from a website regarding the concept was in spring 2019. It's basically about learning how to save more, spending money and time on things that matter, rather than on useless flashy things. I want to put more time into exploring it now, although I think I have more time than money at the moment. As a result, I am willing to take on more classes and I'm gonna think more about my time usage. English teaching is quite decent for me as far as money making goes for now, but I might have to transition to something (hopefully!) as fun and more paid after I graduate from the university.

The calls with the Spanish girl have been going surprisingly well. I'm always a bit worried that there will be nothing to talk about and that we're going to stare at each other, but we always come up with something to do together. It's not the same as if we were together for real, but at least I have something to look forward to when she returns in a week.

---

Gratitude: I'm grateful for the freedom (and discipline!) that I have in my life.

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Day 704:

I had English classes, wrote here, worked on my bachelor thesis, went for a walk, did some research into FIRE and played chess in the evening.

Day 705:

I had English classes, worked on the thesis, played football and had a video-call with the Spanish girl.

Day 706:

I had an English class, worked on the thesis, did research into FIRE, went for a walk and went to bed early.

Day 707:

I did research into FIRE, played football, helped a friend apply for her Erasmus, had a talk with another friend from the dorms and had a video-call with my high-school classmates.

Day 708:

I did research into FIRE and visited my family and later my grandma.

Day 709:

I had English classes, did research into FIRE, worked on the thesis, played football and took photos of my car to advertise it.

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I had quite difficult days on Thursday and Friday. It wasn't because of anything external, I think I just stepped on the gas too much and tried to do something for the whole day all the time. I decided to mostly relax on Saturday as a result of that and visiting my family on Sunday also helped change the environment.

The "research into FIRE" is about increasing my financial literacy and preparing myself to start doing something serious and long-term with my finance allocation. I've had a few mistakes/learning moments with my finances in the past, but I want to be smarter about it now. I'm going to conduct more research in the next week or two, but the baseline will be about putting money into ETFs and index funds (buying a share of the whole market) and then holding them for a long time (years and decades).

I've been playing football recently with the other guys. The weather is starting to get nice. It's good exercise, so I am happy for that.

The Saturday call with my high-school classmates was interesting. I was surprised all of them knew Peterson in one way or another. We caught up on each others' lives and had a chat long into the night.

---

Gratitude: I'm grateful for my friends who are there when I need them.

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Day 710:

I researched finances, worked on my bachelor thesis, had English classes, was writing an ad to potentially sell my car and talked to a friend in the evening.

Day 711:

I had English classes, chose my new phone, was writing an ad to potentially sell my car and went for a walk.

Day 712:

I researched finances, had English classes, went to visit my parents on a bike, helped my father to drive to the car service and spent the evening with the Spanish girl.

Day 713:

I researched finances and spent the day with the Spanish girl.

Day 714:

I researched finances and spent the day with the Spanish girl.

Day 715:

I researched finances, worked on my bachelor thesis, spent some time with the Spanish girl, visited my family, cleaned my room and talked to a friend in the evening.

Day 716:

I researched finances, worked on my bachelor thesis, finished writing the ad to potentially sell my car, played football and now I'm writing this.

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A very busy week with a lot of things going on.

I got a new phone (Xiaomi Redmi Note 10) for a small amount of money. The old one was one my brother gave me two or three years ago when he bought a new one and it is 6 years old. The main reason to get new the phone was that I ran into problems with my old one being obsolete to run new apps, so I got one with the newest OS for the lowest price. It also has four cameras and a lot of other functionalities I need to research (and hardly understand why are they there!) I feel old, haha. I plan on using it until it becomes obsolete just like my old phone.

I've been researching personal finance and investing extensively the last two weeks. I'm going to commit to a long-term investment plan into index funds and ETFs, mainly because it's simple, profitable, easy to understand and isn't a "get rich quick" scheme. For anyone interested in personal finance, there's a nice (and free!) course covering the fundamentals of managing personal finance and indeed finance in general. I hope you'll find it interesting and enlightening as I do!

I've also put my car up for sale, just in case anyone's interested in it. There's a shortage of used cars on the market due to the CV situation and I'm willing to sell it if I get a decent amount of money for it.

I also took my bike for a spin and it was nice to cycle again this year. I might use my bike more often if I sell my car, which would be beneficial for my fitness.

I sort of sidetracked the thesis the previous week. I'm gonna get back at it this week, as I want to submit it in a bit over than a week and I think that's realistic.

The Spanish girl came back on 1st. We're different in certain ways, but we respect each other and our relationship seems to be working well. We spent almost the whole day Friday and Saturday together, cooking, talking, having sex... I'm grateful she's around again.

---

Gratitude: I'm grateful for my activity and vigor to make my life (and subsequently the life of others) better.

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Day 717:

I researched finances, worked on my bachelor thesis, had English classes and spent the evening playing desktops.

Day 718:

I had English classes, did the laundry and spent some time with the Spanish girl.

Day 719:

I researched finances, worked on my bachelor thesis, had English classes and played desktops in the evening.

Day 720:

I worked on my bachelor thesis, researched finances and went to the shop and shopped with the Spanish girl.

Day 721:

I worked on my bachelor thesis, played football, talked to a friend, watched a film and was social in the evening.

Day 722:

I spent the day with my family, then I cycled and played desktops.

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I think the week was just as busy as the last one, although there are less single-time/closed things to report about.

Even though my diary is at this point lead roughly on a weekly basis, I still find reporting what I did during my days based on the activities my Google Calendar useful.

Related to that, the Spanish girl voiced her concern that I plan my time a lot, that I externalize my being into the schedule too much and that I later analyze the schedule rather than to analyze myself and my behaviors directly.

I haven't really planned my free time for a long time. The haphazardness of my work on certain projects reflects that (mainly with the thesis), as my planner is blank and I write what I did only after I had finished the activity, aside from marking down my English classes, so I know when I work.

The point of analyzing my behaviors directly is not a bad one, though I know she was aiming at the inconsistency between my "planner" approach and one recent interpersonal situation by which I got confused, though it got solved in a reasonable matter in the end. I've also come to realize that there are certain situations where I do not know enough and that it's better to swallow my pride and show my ignorance, rather than to go into an argument for no reason. It's been working surprisingly well for me.

I think I rather need to figure out why I try to "dodge" things like my thesis. Finance reading/researching is my current passion project and I wish I had half the enthusiasm for the thesis. I think there I need more discipline.

Somewhat related to that, she found it extremely odd that I never cry. I think due to my years of emotional repression while gaming, I developed the ability to push through anything no matter what and perhaps slow down a bit when things are not going my way. I rather do things than wallow in my problems, though I remember crying only in extreme situations, e.g. the breakup with my X. I just do not have the urge to cry regularly, simply because I am usually able to maintain detached and take "bad things happening to me" as learning experiences, as I know I acted to the best of my ability and if it didn't work out, then I need to do something differently the next time.

I should also work on my monthly report, but thesis gets priority, I need to focus my writing there.

---

Gratitude: I'm grateful for good questions.

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Day 723:

I had English classes, played football, worked on my thesis and played desktops in the evening.

Day 724:

I had English classes, worked on the thesis, researched finances, got through my newsletters and talked to a friend in the evening.

Day 725:

I had English classes, worked on my thesis and played desktops in the evening.

Day 726:

I had English classes, worked on the free course in finances I mentioned before, worked on the thesis and played desktops in the evening.

Day 727:

I had English classes, researched finances, worked on the thesis, went for a walk, to the shop and watched a comedy in the evening.

Day 728:

I worked on the thesis, researched finances, did the laundry, went for a walk and relaxed.

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I have worked on the thesis every day this week and it added up to about 10 hours of work. I'm confident I can finish it completely in the next few days.

I'm still researching some quirks of my personal finance. I find it quite entertaining to spend an hour or two doing that.

The Spanish girl hasn't been around the past week, as she's gone to travel now that it's allowed again. I can say I miss the intimacy and closeness. Then again it makes me grateful for those moments I spent with her.

A normal week, nothing too crazy.

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2-year anniversary here. Happy anniversary Martin! 😄

I've done a lot of work over the course of the last two years. I've started some habits, jobs and relationships and quit others. I've definitely picked up a lot of wisdom and common sense too!

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Day 729:

I visited my family, researched finances a bit and did a few minor things.

Day 730:

I had English classes, worked on the thesis, talked to the Spanish girl and played desktops in the evening.

Day 731:

I had English classes, worked on the thesis, shopped and went for a walk.

Day 732:

I had English classes, talked to the Spanish girl, researched finances and now I'm writing this.

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We had a few talks together with the Spanish girl and decided we wouldn't carry on with the sexual element in our relationship. It was the first time for her trying to amalgamate sexual and affectionate relationship into one and the second time for me. I decided to take her for her word and not to push her into something she doesn't want or isn't sure about. I sensed/noticed that it's not the first time she's having difficulty in continuing the relationship in the current setting. I think that a part of good relationship is the ability to respect "no" as a "no" and it's definitely one of the things I want in all my relationships that go deeper.

I'm actually somewhat surprised by how romantic the relationship has come to be. I think we are both considerate of each other and already value each other to go through this in an abrupt or otherwise bad way. I feel a sense of loss in a way, but I think various factors chimed in to dampen it. Besides, I have learnt a lot about various sexual topics and I grew more confident in this regard. It's very liberating to be playful and inventive too!

The final comment I'd close this with is that I think I have a tendency to be sexually exclusive, because I believe in my ability to have a good sexual relationship (most likely as a part of something greater) and if it's not good enough, then I'll just move on and try something/someone else. Then again, I think that holds true for any type of relationship, not just a sexual one. There's little reason to stay in a relationship that isn't working properly/beneficial.

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  I'm using the template I used the last time. 15/03/20 - 27/04/20


"L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term.

I added "Future goals/direction" to better reflect on the things I am trying to do and to add specificity. I will copy it and stick it somewhere where I can see it to remind myself whenever I feel aimless. I will also use different colors: white (default) for newly added goals, green for completed/successful, orange for ongoing/some progress and red for ones I haven't worked on in that period.


---

Active writing (blogs/writings/journal):

L: I worked on the exercises for NMMNG a bit. I think my journaling here was reasonable too. No Past Authoring or blog writing though.

T: I've been working on the thesis and a tiny bit on the diary here.

Future goals/direction:

Finish Past Authoring and the whole course.

Write on my blog.

Keep writing in my diary here twice a week.

Work on "Breaking Free Exercises" from the NMMNG book.

 


Books/Reading articles:

L: I picked up "Ordinary Men" and got through it rather quickly, the topics of psychology and war grip me strongly. The progress on newsletters has been slow.

T: I decided to simply skim through all the newsletters that accumulated in my inbox about a week ago. I got through "The Prince" quite quickly and already lent it to a friend. I've also been reading a lot about finance in general too.

Future goals/direction:

Continue getting through the newsletters.

Pick up "The Prince" by Machiavelli.

 


Family:

L: Maybe you remember that in the past, I put here some words that I should talk to my family members. I actually did talk to my mom a few weeks ago to support her current behavior, but I haven't talked in that way to my father and brother (and grandma, to an extent).

I plan to talk to all my family members in a private (separate) manner this month and... share my thoughts with them and have a bit closer relationship with them? The Spanish girl encouraged me to do it, after I told her about my relationship with my family. It's not that it's horrible, but I feel it is somewhat distant and that most of my friends have closer ties with their family members, even if not with all of them. I already expressed myself to mom.

T: I talked with my brother separately, though not about the "deep stuff". Relationships and sex were non-existent topics in my family, so it's difficult for me to initiate in this regard.

Future goals/direction:

Talk to my family members separately.

 


University:

L: I've been putting in the hours into university quite steadily. I've been working on my bachelor thesis, but I think I have to step up, as I need to finish it by the start of May and I also have to study for the graduation exams. I have a prime opportunity now to grind down on the thesis in the next few weeks. I chose my masters and applied for VIA/Erasmus for the next year.

T: I finished work on the bachelor thesis yesterday, so I can start studying for the finals. I have a bit over a month to study. I'm gonna go for Erasmus to Hanover in about a year if everything goes well.

Future goals/direction:

Work on the bachelor thesis.

Apply successfully for VIA Exchange/Erasmus by passing the tests and interviews.

Start studying for the finals.

 


Exercise/movement:

L: I did some purposeful exercise in the past few weeks, but I mostly find that I go for walks (alone or with a friend) and have sex with the Spanish girl. The time length of the act obviously varies, but I think the average could be three times a week for at least half an hour.

T: I played football several times and went for walks sometimes. I've been experiencing a bit of a backache and stiffness though, so that encouraged me to do more. The weather's been getting better, meaning I am more likely to go out for walks or exercise.

Future goals/direction:

Work out twice/thrice a week in my room.

Keep in shape (using walks/sex/exercise).

 


Social:

L: I spent a lot of time with the Spanish girl, not only having sex, but also talking about our opinions, philosophy for life, singing or going for walks, so often I didn't feel the need to be collectively social in the evening, though I still spent time with my Czech and international friends. There have been some cases of anginas and CV at the dorms in the past two weeks, so there were less chances to meet, but I feel healthy and the Spanish girl got tested for CV on Saturday, so I'm clean.

T: I'm normally social these days. I think I might be nicer and more attentive to people overall, though it's hard to quantify that objectively.

Future goals/direction:

-

 


English:

L: My current workload is around 18 hours per week. I got a few courses from my secondary employer, so it's good that I was able to diversify a little. There's a third subject that I could teach for, but they offer me 80% for their courses, because they deducted the rate when the course is online. I asked for the pay rise from my primary employer and although it didn't work out, they wrote that we can revisit the topic in September if things go well.

T: My current workload is around 23 hours per week. I could even have more with the less-paid courses, but I feel fairly happy with my working situation and I enjoy the work I put in.

Future goals/direction:

I am going to send out some mails again to language schools and various other subjects to set up interviews from my secondary email.

I am going to pursue closer co-operation with my English mentor.

I am going to check out a few more seminars on how to run online courses.

 

 

Women/dating:

L: I learnt that perhaps I do not have as hard-core of a monogamous mentality as I thought I would have. I'm also probably more aware than ever that everybody is fucked up, including myself. There are a few women I could think of in the romantic plane in my area. I don't think it makes much sense to be writing about specific women though. I came to the realization that planning in this area is usually cumbersome and counterproductive.

I cut one of the relationships, did sex and I'm keeping my eyes peeled.

I was predicting the change in my sexual mindset and behavior for a long time. I behaved and acted in line with it. I just needed the reality to catch up on it; similarly to that when I was gaming, I got fired from the post office several days after I quit gaming, because most of my (unsatisfactory) work there was done when I was still gaming.

In the past, I believe I looked at the more obvious sexual displays of others with both distaste and envy at the same time. Especially when I thought that I have no other option than to sit and do nothing or to get drunk and hope that something happens. It just took some time to internalize that the thing standing between me and a good (even if only sexual) relationship with a woman is... me.

As long as there are two consenting adults, whatever goes. Whether it's a good idea or not is another question (given the circumstances), but I won't villanify that behavior a priori anymore.

That said, a horrible relationship is better than none at all. The cataclysmic end of my last one was likely the trigger for me to quit games for good. Nothing is forcing anyone to stay and die in a horrible relationship, except the lack of options in one's head. (December)

I learnt a lot about the sexuality of women over the past few weeks by spending time with the Spanish girl. I learnt a bunch about my sexuality as well. I also learnt relationships can be more nuanced. It's been a great learning experience so far. (January/February)

I've spent about two months with the Spanish girl and this morning she left home for three weeks, after which she should come back. I feel that she's into me, that she cares about me and that she doesn't want to lose me (be it to another relationship or due to some quarrel between us, though I find the latter less likely), though at the same time I feel we both want to assert ourselves to leave other options available. In my case to find someone more "permanent" to date/be together with, because I know she'll be gone in the summer. In her case it's different relationship philosophy and uniqueness of every relationship.

To explain that further, she actually encouraged me to meet other girls to see what might come out of it, which is generally something I am not 100% confident at and could use some practice in. Regardless, despite our differences, I feel that we're willing to respect each other and not argue about them. (March)

 

T: We had a few talks together with the Spanish girl and decided we wouldn't carry on with the sexual element in our relationship. It was the first time for her trying to amalgamate sexual and affectionate relationship into one and the second time for me. I decided to take her for her word and not to push her into something she doesn't want or isn't sure about. I sensed/noticed that it's not the first time she's having difficulty in continuing the relationship in the current setting. I think that a part of good relationship is the ability to respect "no" as a "no" and it's definitely one of the things I want in all my relationships that go deeper.

I'm actually somewhat surprised by how romantic the relationship has come to be. I think we are both considerate of each other and already value each other to go through this in an abrupt or otherwise bad way. I feel a sense of loss in a way, but I think various factors chimed in to dampen it. Besides, I have learnt a lot about various sexual topics and I grew more confident in this regard. It's very liberating to be playful and inventive too!

-

This one is actually only a few days old, but I do feel attracted to one girl and I want to have sex with her, although I don't think something long-term could come out of it due to the factual differences that we have. Hooray for being human!

Future goals/direction:

-

 

-----


Masturbation - reminder:

L: I think it'll be as with gaming - I tried to haphazardly quit gaming multiple times, but finally by getting here I reached the breaking point. It's likely gonna take more than a few weeks and re-making the decision that I don't have time to waste. Ejaculation is easy for me to handle, it's just that masturbation overall is difficult to get rid of. It's a process.

This term was quite rough, especially with all the female attention that I've been getting recently. Masturbation is taking a toll on my sleep schedule, but I believe I will manage to handle it in a more healthy way. I'd like to think that I wouldn't do such a thing if I had a girl with whom I could have sex every (other) day, but my sexuality still my own responsibility even in that case and I have to deal with it in a way that doesn't screw me over.

T: After having sex, I found out that I am more accepting of masturbation and that I do not hinge on it as much. Maybe because I already internalized the belief that sex in "just another" (yet important) thing in my life or because it's easier to get than I thought. Either way, I sense more peace in myself in this area.


Meditation:

L: I never got around to do it, though it could be that I incorporate some of it while working out or singing along with music or while on a walk. I want to figure out where to put it into my daily rhythm. I meditated a few times and I enjoyed the calmness. I gotta step up the relaxing activities, even though it sounds like an oxymoron 😄

I think reading + meditation might be a good combo, it’s just that I have to remember to do it when I have enough time to read, but not enough time to go for a walk at the same time. It's getting cold outside though, so I will not read outside too much anymore.

T: -


Gratitude:

L: I managed to sneak it in into my journal a couple of times, so that's good. I'm grateful for all the new relationships and opportunities that flew into my life the last month. I'm going to make sure this continues.

T: -


Additional thoughts:

Personal finance - I've been putting a lot of time learning about personal finance in April. It's more of a hobby to satisfy my curious needs at this point, as I've already decided on my strategy.

Chess: I still do a bit of chess every now and then, but not as often as before.


---


Additional projects/misc/cool stuff finished last month:


Additional projects/misc/cool stuff upcoming this month:


---


Thoughts, ideas and additional comments/gratitude:

 
 

Spoiler

 

I think I have done a good job at incorporating psychology lectures I’ve seen/learnt into my life. I don’t want to re-live the experience I’ve had last March/April, because it could be deadly.

I gained the ability to plan after I quit games.

Regained/new daily habits: I clean my teeth daily, Duolingo, journaling, working out.

Life’s more colorful and more difficult to deal with, but at least I can look at myself in the mirror now and see myself less skewed than before.

I think I give meaning to things that deserve it now.

I am not horrified of free time anymore. This is a BIG one.

I am using my sociability more sensibly. No more trolling in Twitch chat and streaming.

Coming to think of it, I’ve never been overly anxious to begin with, just the normal amount. I asked girls out on dates on high school. I was just totally oblivious to the signals I sent/received.

I’m more conscious of both what I do and how I do it in relation with other people. I still get anxiety, but I act despite it. I stand tall and have my say.

I'm very lucky to have a mentor in the field I am excited about.

I'm grateful for everyone who has entered my life.

I EMBRACE THE FACT THAT ANYTHING I START DOING, I WILL DO IT BADLY. I CAN ONLY BECOME BETTER INCREMENTALLY AND BY PRACTICE.

It's less of a question WHAT I do compared to HOW and WHY I do it.

 

 

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Day 733:

I had English classes, worked on the thesis, researched finances, went for a walk with friends and talked to another friend in the evening.

Day 734:

I worked on the thesis, researched finances, had an English class, went for a walk and attended a party in the evening.

Day 735:

I worked on the thesis, went for a walk and talked to a friend in the evening.

Day 736:

I washed the dishes, worked on the thesis and spent time with my family.

Day 737:

I finished my thesis, had English classes and went to bed early.

Day 738:

I finished my monthly report, started studying for the finals, researched finance, had English classes and played desktops in the evening.

Day 739:

TBD.

---

I'm gonna work around 25 hours a week from the next week onward. The pay is good and I feel useful, so it's great!

The finals are in a month, so I already started studying yesterday.

---

Gratitude: I'm grateful for being a calm and levelheaded person.

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Day 739:

I had English classes, went for a walk, studied for the finals and played desktops in the evening.

Day 740:

I had English classes, researched finance, went for a run + some pullups and studied for the finals.

Day 741:

I studied for the finals, had an English class, wrote an email regarding my bachelor thesis, got through some newsletters, watched a documentary about education and hung out with the foreign students in the evening.

Day 742:

I researched finance, studied for the finals, went for a walk and for the groceries.

Day 743:

I researched education and Khan Academy courses, studied for the finals, visited my family and set up a tracking app for my money.

---

I decided to take the last three days playfully and freely. A bunch of things happened:

I went for a run and a small workout on Thursday and I was dead tired in the evening thanks to the fact I also masturbated the day before. I think it's a good idea to exercise outside more now that the weather is nice and also because I'm not planning on having sex anytime soon again. I can still do pullups, but I feel fairly rusty!

I've also realized that even if I'd be able/willing to have sex with every second/third girl, I'm aware none of the ones I'm familiar with are not going to make the cut for the relationship. It's fine for me to want sex, but I need to get to know the women first and that usually takes at least several weeks.

I communicated with the mayor of my home suburbs regarding some sources for the the bachelor thesis I submitted on Monday and he seems fairly interested to discuss the findings of the thesis with me. It's good to know my thesis is useful AND that I get some recognition for it. I couldn't stand doing a fully theoretical work that would just get shoved into the drawer.

As for the finals, I've so far been just skimming over the texts. I'm familiar with most of them, but it's still some 300 A4s (and over 60 topics). My brother advised me to create small cards with basic description of each topic to help me identify the focal points of each topic and to study and revise based on that.

I've put all my finances tracking into a semi-automated app, instead of the Excel sheets I've been doing for the past year and a half. It's got graphs, numbers and all, it looks very neat and I had a lot of fun inputting the data into it.

That said, I'm gonna spent less time on finance from now on. It seems that I know what I need to know and that the time can be used elsewhere more efficiently.

Today I've read about Khan Academy with its courses and the take on education. I can't tell much about it, but I'm gonna find more time to research it in the future, because I find the concept of online video learning interesting.

---

Gratitude: I'm grateful to know that the plural of "index" is "indices". It explains a lot! 😄

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Day 744:

I had English classes, went for a walk and studied for the finals.

Day 745:

I studied for the finals, had English classes and had a social evening.

Day 746:

I had English classes the whole day, so I just took a nap and watched some Khan Academy videos about various professions in the US.

Day 747:

Today/TBD.

---

I suppose distilling the total of 70 topics from 300 A4s to something more compact is not going to take just one week but rather one and a half or two. It takes me half an hour to get through the topic, so I have to make time for that. The good thing is that I am thinking hard and examining the concepts that are in the topics, so I am already learning along the way.

I've pondered and talked to some people about emotions recently. I got annoyed by actions of one girl a few days ago, though I managed to keep my head cool in the end. I haven't cried for a long time, though at the same time I am sometimes afraid/reluctant to do something and feel some discomfort. My sex drive also seems to be in order.

Some of my emotions might be hidden or subtle, but they're there. I think that's why I prefer to be steadfast, organized and responsible. I can handle chaos, but I can't live inside of it.

---

Gratitude: I'm grateful for my friendships. I overall feel that they've gotten deeper over the past three or four months.

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Day 747:

I researched finance, had English classes, studied for the finals, played football, went to the shop and had a social evening.

Day 748:

I studied for the finals, had English classes, watched a few videos about entrepreneurship on Khan Academy and had a social evening.

Day 749:

Today/TBD.

---

I'm studying for the finals, but I have thoughts running through my mind, so I decided to put them here.

I'm gonna put together the evolution of my dating life that has happened over the past year and a half, since the second longer-term romantic relationship I've had is at its end. The first one lasted nine months, the second one roughly three. Therefore, the average duration of a relationship where I had sex is half a year.

This might seem like a silly and funny statistic to point out, yet I think it has some relevance. It seems as if there's no casual sex for me. It seems as if my template for this behavior was is grandma who only ever had sex with my grandpa and were married for nearly 50 years. I'm not necessarily saying that it's good/bad/naive/smart or anything else compared to any other behavior. I just think it's a part of me that I have to work with.

I think the idea is that we just need to find someone who is willing to play the same game as we do and sometimes try out what works and what doesn't to update that. If I want a stable relationship, I can't go have sex with someone first and then try to shove the idea down their throat second. I want sex and intimacy. People want sex and intimacy. It's assumed. There's no romantic relationship happening without sex and intimacy at some point. I have to check for the ideas first and then have (the "guaranteed") sex and intimacy. Easy as that.

It does seem that when I feel secure in a romantic relationship, I shut myself off to other opportunities to try and form similar relationships. I maybe could've had two romantic/sexual relationships at the same time back in February. I chose not to, because I thought it'd be too much hassle to deal with, even if everybody involved would be fine with it.

That brings me to an idea I've read a long time ago from Manson: Why play games if you are in for the long run? There's no time for pretense or jealousy games. Get straight or get out. I might have troubles saying these things, but I've found out that if I want to have someone in my life, I want to be with them. Presence (and a bit of action) seems to be my primary language of love.

Regardless, these 18 months saw me noticing and doing things with several women. It's not important where on the range it was; if I just noticed the signal or had sex. Everything counts.

Things were fairly complicated for everyone. I imagine if CV happened 5 years ago, the effect on me would be next to none, as I lived online anyway. The influx of new women into my life has been severely limited, so that is/was also a factor in my relationship choices.

In March 2020, I made a draft of what I would want in a woman (according to Glover's 5 dos and 5 don'ts), I updated it in December 2020 and today. A lot of them are subjective rather than objective, but I believe that's fine. Here it is:

 

DON'T
1 HATE LIFE - SUBJECTIVE
2 SMOKE/DRINK/PHONE ADDICT
3 HAVE MULTIPLE SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS - TOO TANGLED TO DEAL WITH
4 HAVE FREQUENT MOOD SWINGS - SUBJECTIVE
5 BE OVERLY DEPENDENT ON ME - I AM NOT A GOD

DO
1 MEET ONCE A WEEK AT LEAST
2 KEEP IN SHAPE
3 WORK ON HER CAREER/UNI
4 BE PRESENT WITH ME
5 HAVE HER OWN LIFE
6 KEEP HER WORD/BE ON TIME
7 BE LOCAL - STAY IN THE AREA FOR AT LEAST HALF A YEAR TIME

 

Having standards is difficult, but I want to remember this list above the next time I get involved in something romantic/sexual. Growth often hurts in the moment, but then we get the benefits for sacrificing the pleasures of the present.

---

Gratitude: Happy V-E Day everyone. Today's world isn't perfect, but it's the best we've been able to manage.

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Day 749:

I studied for the finals, played football, played chess and talked to a friend. I had a headache in the evening, so I went to bed early.

Day 750:

I studied for the finals, visited my family and had a social evening.

Day 751:

I studied for the finals, had English classes, played football and had a social evening.

Day 752:

I studied for the finals, had English classes and had a social evening.

Day 753:

I had English classes for the whole day.

Day 754:

I had English classes, didn't study at all, talked to a friend and went to bed early.

Day 755:

I studied for the finals and had English classes. I'm gonna relax socially in the evening.

---

As a preparation for my finals, I've distilled about 33 topics so far and some 22 are remaining. There are 15 more, but they're already distilled enough. On a good day the maximum I covered so far was 7, usually after working 3-4 hours uninterrupted in the morning. Today I've done 6. I can't make myself study more than 4 hours; I'm just mentally done after that.

I'm unsure whether it's realistic to expect from me to get them done during the weekend, but I think finishing them by Tuesday is doable. The exams are on 31st and I want to go over the materials I've composed at least a few times.

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8 hours ago, Ikar said:

Day 749:

I studied for the finals, played football, played chess and talked to a friend. I had a headache in the evening, so I went to bed early.

Day 750:

I studied for the finals, visited my family and had a social evening.

Day 751:

I studied for the finals, had English classes, played football and had a social evening.

Day 752:

I studied for the finals, had English classes and had a social evening.

Day 753:

I had English classes for the whole day.

Day 754:

I had English classes, didn't study at all, talked to a friend and went to bed early.

Day 755:

I studied for the finals and had English classes. I'm gonna relax socially in the evening.

---

As a preparation for my finals, I've distilled about 33 topics so far and some 22 are remaining. There are 15 more, but they're already distilled enough. On a good day the maximum I covered so far was 7, usually after working 3-4 hours uninterrupted in the morning. Today I've done 6. I can't make myself study more than 4 hours; I'm just mentally done after that.

I'm unsure whether it's realistic to expect from me to get them done during the weekend, but I think finishing them by Tuesday is doable. The exams are on 31st and I want to go over the materials I've composed at least a few times.

I think you gotta pace yourself with studying since it's easy to burnout. Maybe the Tuesday date is more appropriate so you can relax a little and allow your mind to process everything. 

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2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I think you gotta pace yourself with studying since it's easy to burnout. Maybe the Tuesday date is more appropriate so you can relax a little and allow your mind to process everything. 

I think so as well. I tried to push myself to do it on Thursday and I just gave up. It's just annoying that my initial estimate was to sort out the materials in a week and I'm already at the end of the second one, but I know I am already revising the materials just by writing down the most important parts. Time to get to work.

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Day 757:

I worked on the topics for the finals, prepared for my English classes next week, played football and had a social evening.

Day 758:

I worked on the topics for the finals, visited my family and went for a walk in the evening.

Day 759:

I worked on the topics for the finals, had English classes, did the laundry and had a social evening.

Day 760:

I went to my doctor for a check-up, donated blood, bought new shorts and slippers, had English classes and talked to a friend in the evening.

Day 761:

I finished working on the topics for the finals, had English classes and I went out in the evening.

Day 762:

Today - TBA.

---

Including today, I have 11 days to go over the materials and to study. I already grasped the basics and cleared up misunderstandings as I was sorting out the distilled versions. I don't plan on studying whole days on end until the exam. Currently, I can manage 3 hours of studying daily; if I can bump that up to 6, 5 or even 4, I'll take it. I don't have more time than that most days anyway and I like to keep myself sane. I believe I should be able to cover at least one bundle (22-24 topics) every day; reading it and then recalling the focal points of the topic, meaning I'll go over each bundle at least three times before the exam.

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Day 761:

I had English classes, studied for the finals, worked out at the gym, got a haircut and had a social evening.

Day 762:

I studied for the finals, had an English class, watched an interview with Fry and Peterson and worked out at the gym.

Day 763:

Today - TBA.

---

I've been studying for the finals, both simply reading and also practicing my recall memory by talking about the topic for a minute or two after closing the file. I somehow find that it's fairly draining to listen to my voice, trying to put together ideas and sentences. The concepts are not difficult to understand or explain, it's just that I actually have to remember the key parts that I can go from.

It's been about a month and a half since the Spanish girl and I stopped meeting. I think there was still some sorrowful residue in me until recently, because I've felt some relief after talking this over with a friend and getting alternate perspectives and interpretations. Sometimes the loving thing is to let go, while recognizing the good times and genuine affection. What makes it difficult is that the person you need to let go is the last one you want to let go.

I later realized the two principles below to be vital in any romantic relationship. I later came to realize I adhere to these in any relationship that I value:

1) Respect - there are always going to be differences in opinions, behaviors and actions. Respect those. However, if there's something the other person does regularly that I hate, I have to speak up. Maybe it's something minor and they have no problem with dropping that, but maybe it's enough to make the relationship break apart. Respect isn't tolerating shitty behavior and letting my balls get broken wherever and whenever.

2) "never assume a hostile intent" A.K.A. "never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity" - nobody is out there to get me, especially the ones who are close to me. People might envy, be unkind and ignorant, but they hardly ever do that on purpose. It's a symptom, not the illness. If someone fucks up and I am caught up in the collateral damage, I try to understand why they did what they did and forgive them. If I get caught up in the damage too many times from a specific person, it might be a time to reevaluate the relationship, but everybody fucks up from time to time.

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Day 763:

I studied for the finals, wrote here, went for a walk, played chess and watched hockey in the evening.

Day 764:

I studied for the finals, visited my family and went to bed early.

Day 765:

I had English classes, studied for the finals and watched hockey in the evening.

Day 766:

I studied for the finals, worked out at the gym and had English classes.

Day 767:

Today - TBA.

---

I got a bit of time unexpectedly after a student had to reschedule the class, so here I am.

I've been studying a week now with four/five days left to go, plus those two weeks I spent sorting out the materials. I'm trying to focus on the topics I have gaps in, so that I am not screwed if I pick topics I am not acquainted with too well. I don't think the exam is horribly difficult. I just have to remember the cues/keywords for the topics or extract them from the question's parameters. I feel nervous, but all I can do is to put in the hours to study in the next few days. If that fails, I can try again in three months.

There's also a girl that's been giving me signals for a while now. I let her know we can do something together after I'm done with the exams.

---

Gratitude: I'm grateful for being an early bird. I still find it somewhat weird that it's light outside before 6 though 😄

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