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Ikar's Diary


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22 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I hope your mom is ok. Good luck. 


8 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Good luck on the stuff with your mom. Hope she's okay.

Thanks guys. Even though I might have my quarrels with my mom, the state she's in I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, not the least because that resolution of analysis is not applicable when I have a helpless confused being in front me.

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Day 524:

I read an article by Manson, went for a walk, watched "Inside Out", started reading "Iron John" by Robert Bly, went to the gym with friends, hanged out with one of them in the evening and wrote to friends online.


I was feeling contemplative during the walk, so I wrote down a few ideas. I also walked near the river and watched ducks for a while. I started feeling better as the day progressed and I was happy to have a day according to my liking again.

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Day 525:

I wrote here, spend some time on the NMMNG forums, read, talked a bit with friends about alcoholism, hung a few posters in my room, had a philosophy course and played board games in the evening.


Since early afternoon, I felt that I should do something more useful with my time (most particularly to work on the business project), but I couldn't find the concentration. The philosophy seminar in the evening was fun though.

Starting reading "Iron John" reminded me of the NMMNG forums. I've been thinking about how do I want to approach new women I meet and decided I want to be more aggressive overall in how much do I need to know them to engage with them romantically. I think I could easily make it so that I ask out a woman for a date every month and see what happens, but that is a plan for the future.

I also didn't do dry masturbation in a long time the last night. I felt things were gonna turn for the better and there was no need to make the situation worse now.

Day 526:

I trained skills with my leader regarding the business idea, studied for the upcoming exam, read "Iron John", shopped, had a volunteer English class, visited my grandma and went to visit my friends in the students' pub in the evening for an hour.


I didn't manage to fall asleep after I woke up in the early morning and I felt a sense dread inside me, arguably because of my poor preparation for the business idea and the mom situation. The training itself turned out fine in the end; I think the main thing to was just show up and try.

I had a vegetable salmon salad and I enjoyed it very much. I bought toothpaste, toothbrushes, a mouse for my notebook, razor blades and shower gel - I happened to be running low on these more long-lived items. My student showed up a bit late for the class, but it turned out fine and both her and I both had a good feeling about it after. I held my last volunteer English class after, as I have more stuff to do nowadays.

Visiting my grandma in the evening was fun - I sometimes talk about the girls I meet and talk to and she remembers the times when she was dating my grandpa and how did they make it happen. There was plenty of people in the pub in the evening and I didn't get to talk to all of them, but I struck two three short and sweet conversations with people.

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Day 527:

I wrote a few emails, worked on the business idea, played football and spent the evening with "Girl M".

Day 528:

I got up later than usual, went to the ZOO with "Girl M", had a nap, listened to music, sorted out some things regarding English teaching and went to play desktops in the evening.


I got to know "Girl M" about two weeks ago. We mostly talked in group settings before and yesterday we happened to be on our own in the room she shares with her roommates. We talked for a few hours, got to know each other more, went for a walk in the evening rain and after we got back we touched and kissed.

I had 2 beers in the span of 6 hours and I think she had 3 beers, so we weren't drunk (if I was even tipsy at all) while doing this. I felt fairly confident and purposeful in my game and I pulled it off successfully. The whole evening felt like a fine piece of craftsmanship from my side in that regard. Even though she initially resisted a little, she gave way eventually.

She felt reserved today at the ZOO and we didn't talk about yesterday's events. We chatted, shared a few stories and had some good laughs, so it might just be my perception that the de-escalation was too heavy, but after all she did go out with me today and I think it's a sign she needs some time to get comfortable around me. We'll see the next week.

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Day 529:

I wrote here, had an English class, worked on the business, read, worked out and played desktops in the evening.


Pretty crazy week socially, I had an event every day, but late in the evening and I mostly left early, so I could get up early as I normally do.

Gratitude: I am grateful for being intent and focused, as I was on Wednesday evening.

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Day 530:

I planted trees in one university organized event. We formed pairs and I formed a pair with "Girl L", because I knew her a bit from before, even though we never got to talk much. After the event at the dormitory, we ended up kissing and cuddling and we didn't really sleep that night.

Day 531:

I was dead tired from the last night, so I just ate a bit, listened to music and headed out to visit my brother and my father. We went to visit mom, but due to COVID they allow only 2 visitors at the same time, so I didn't see her. I got back to the dorms, ate a bit and dropped at 7 into the bed.

Day 532 - mid:

I set up my schedule for the next week, went for a walk with "Girl L" and had an English class. I'm going to work on my business idea, have an online class and visit the philosophy seminar in the evening.


During the tree planting event, two or three people independently asked us if we are married. "Girl L" and I talked almost the whole time. She's very warm, affectionate, cuddly and honest about her past. There was no lack of desire for sex on her part that night, but I decided against it. There's no lack of desire on my part, but currently I feel as if it's not aimed directly at her. I just think it's too early to begin something exclusive with her yet. I need to think this through.

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Day 532 - evening:

I unexpectedly met with my English lecturer friend at the philosophy course and we went for a dinner after. I think it's a good omen.

Day 533:

I had a few meetings regarding my business idea, shopped, read, walked around, studied, chatted with a friend and spent the night together with "Girl L".

Day 534:

I went to the dentist, visited my grandma, worked out with "Girl L", went for a walk, read, had a good chess match with a friend and went for a walk with "Girl L" in the evening.


I need to sit down and write to sort out my thoughts, because I've not been doing a particularly good job of it these few days.

Things with "Girl L" seem somewhat chaotic and her current relationship situation needs more clearing up than mine ("Girl M" seems to be a thing of the past). I'm also aware I might be spending more time with her than necessary; both for this stage of the relationship - and more than I might be able to realistically handle (and use for other areas of my life).

I'm aware she's on her period, so she's maybe more polarized in terms of her moods. I feel chill and relaxed most of the days, with the odd exam or important meeting coming in to stir the waters. I know that emotions are costly. I value consistency most of the times myself. I know I rarely have to take a day off unexpectedly, to sit with myself, watch a movie and take a breather, but these happen about once a month.

I think if her swings continue, I'd either end up being cynical/inert and use her OR I'd try to attune myself to her and get hammered over time by having to be there for her all the time.

I'm going to give this a week and see what happens. I'm going to be more assertive, leaderly (working out with her was fun - we even danced a bit). I'm not having sex with her unless I am convinced I like the relationship with her and that I can handle it long-term.


After one of the meetings, I had an interesting chat with my friend. The core of the business I'm involved in is to help people create/set up their financial goals, showing them the positives they get by working with me and then convincing them I am the way to get to these - that they need me. He told me he used to do something similar for a while. He used to sell high-quality cosmetic products, but then he decided it wasn't this type of work wasn't for him. We then talked about life in general.

I remembered the quote from Ridley that human speech evolved primarily to manipulate and not to share facts/information. Willink stated that leadership is a type of manipulation - it just depends if you do it for your own benefit, or whether you also do it for the benefit of others. 

I think myself, I am fine with this. There's obviously a risk some people might suffer as a result of getting what they want and that I served as an "accelerator" in that process, but there are also going to be some who will benefit from planning ahead in a smart way towards their flat/house/car/whatever. I am aware I like the fact this makes me more persuasive in life overall, but there's always two sides of the coin to everything.

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Day 535:

I wrote here, prepared for my English classes, visited my mom in the hospital, watched an online uni class, read, went for a dinner with a friend, played chess and had a talk with "Girl L".


The visit of my mom was actually nice. She seems to be doing a lot better than two weeks ago and she was transferred to a more section with more freedom. I told her I passed the last exam at the uni successfully and we talked about random stuff.


I am also happy I found time to write down my thoughts and talk to my friend in the evening regarding "Girl L". In the evening, I told her that if I was with her, I would either become cynical and wouldn't connect with her emotionally at all or that I would try to keep up with her and self-destruct in the process. Her initial ignition for me seems to be gone as well, but nobody can tell if she feels that way tomorrow.

I am convinced she hates life after talking to her yesterday and based on what she wrote me in the morning. I think most people balance on the edge of trying to do the right things and failing to do them in a balanced manner, but here I see the carried out decisions to just do badly. For which I have, oddly enough, a bit of sympathy, because I used to be like that two years ago when I gamed all day long. She's unable to let go of her past and insists on re-living it. I'd even argue her issues now are comparable or worse than those I had back then, but that's relative.

I'm glad I met her. I took a shot at getting to know her. Even if she wasn't something I wanted, finding out what to avoid might be equally valuable in the end. Onward I go.

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2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'm glad your mom is doing better and that you got to see her. Also, good idea being understanding and thinking about the woman situation. Sometimes desperation can lead to mistakes and you're not thinking out of desperation here. You're being calm.

I'm happy too, as they locked down all the hospitals completely, so during the weekend my brother and father could not see her at all.

I think I was thinking a bit out of desperation and loneliness those few days I met up with her. It got more obvious over time that our philosophies for life are just different. I'm glad I didn't end up having sex with her when she wanted it. I take time to start loving a person and it would feel hollow for me to do it at that time. What worth would my deepest sexuality have if I gave it to every other woman? I don't regret it. Plenty of fish in the sea.

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Day 536:

I had an English class in the morning, wrote here, went for a walk, meditated, visited the piano room and listened to a girl play the piano, played football and drummed in the evening with the band.

Day 537-538:

I got up super early and went with one guy from the business to a conference. We attended seminars, inspirational classes, got some tips how to build our business, met new people... Upon returning to the dorms, I jogged with one guy and I organized a small get together to play desktops and went to sleep before midnight.

Day 539:

I did the laundry, did the groceries, cooked, worked on the business idea, had a nap, had an English class and attended the philosophy seminar in the evening.


I needed to unwind on Friday from the emotional flurry I experienced during the week. I meditated and wished to pick up some apprenticeship position far away from my country, so I could have a simpler life and do more things physically. I felt contemplative and heard someone to play the piano and decided to check it out. I met a Taiwanese girl and chatted with her a bit. She likes my blog and related with a personal experience. We're not alone in our struggles, yet we sometimes forget that.


The weekend conference was cool and I felt energetic during it, though I got tired quickly in the evening due to driving 4 hours to get there in the first place.


I feel low on energy today, though I can say I did something. And that's what counts.

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@Ikar , when you say that you meditated, do you mean by that sitting down and reflecting on things or spending time in the nature to empty your head.? 

When I have a hard day, I try to watch some instructional/educational videos because they calm me down. I don’t know why I’ve got that pull. 

Re: dating, I remember that you made a good point that getting close with a woman prevents you from seeing how suitable the potential spouse is, because intimacy is too emotional to be able to keep a cool head. This is actually remarkable, but the NMMNG book has instructions that can cause you to take rash decisions. There are good suggestions on stopping the inferiority complex and desire to look good in the eyes of others , but this can backfire if you get entangled in a relationship out of an attempt to prove your masculinity. So I think the book can move nice guys to act rashly in certain situations. 

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21 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

@Ikar , when you say that you meditated, do you mean by that sitting down and reflecting on things or spending time in the nature to empty your head.? 

When I have a hard day, I try to watch some instructional/educational videos because they calm me down. I don’t know why I’ve got that pull. 

It's both. I meditated while the Taiwanese girl played the piano. I had a thought, held it for a while and then let it go. I did the same when another thought came to me.

21 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

Re: dating, I remember that you made a good point that getting close with a woman prevents you from seeing how suitable the potential spouse is, because intimacy is too emotional to be able to keep a cool head. This is actually remarkable, but the NMMNG book has instructions that can cause you to take rash decisions. There are good suggestions on stopping the inferiority complex and desire to look good in the eyes of others , but this can backfire if you get entangled in a relationship out of an attempt to prove your masculinity. So I think the book can move nice guys to act rashly in certain situations. 

I highlighted that sentence, because I am happy I acted accordingly and I kept some restraint. I didn't see any NMMNG stuff for months before this flurry of events happened in my romantic/sexual life. I just did what I wanted and I learned from it. There's no "100% right" way to having relationships.

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Day 540:

I worked on the business project, visited my grandma and went to meet up with friends in the evening.

Day 541:

I went for an exam regarding the business project and I failed it. I played chess in the evening and played desktops in the evening.

Day 542:

I watched a presentation regarding the business project, went for a walk, read, got through the mails that piled up and did the tasks they required, cleaned my room, washed the dishes, watched a uni lecture, listened/meditated and chatted with the Taiwanese piano girl, had a great English class with an energetic woman in her 40s and wrote here.


My objective for today was to treat myself nicely (after getting up at 0830 due to dry masturbation). My core habits have been sliding, be it due to the stress from the business project or my relationships, so I'll take it easy for the next couple of days to get back on track.

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  I'm using the template I used the last time. 21/9/20 - 19/10/20


"L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term. "N" will stand for the plan next term.





L: We played together four or five times this term. I think doing one session during the weekend and perhaps one more during the week is ideal. We also finalized a few songs and are currently working on more. I feel better about playing in the band overall.

T: I got told yesterday at the tryout that the guys found another drummer who seems to be more in line with their ambitions. I had a gut feeling a few weeks ago that I just want something to blow off steam to every now and then, which doesn't align with guys who solo-practice every other day.

N: I take it as it is. I could potentially try to search for another band, but I do not think it's worth the hassle. I took about half a year to find these guys via Internet, then CV struck and so didn't meet up until May/June. There's more things that I can try out that I can be more passionate about; this was an experiment based on the fact I played the drums on HS and still had the gear.


Active writing (blogs/writings/journal):

L: I finished a blog article from last month, wrote the report on 2nd September and I journal here. I tend to write in bigger blocs of time and I think it’s better for continuity of the text too, so I might not write every week for 3 hours, but twice every 2 weeks for 6 hours in one day instead. 

T: I didn't write any new text in particular. I think my journaling was average, but it was especially helpful while sorting out my thoughts regarding women. I am writing this now.

N: -


Books/Reading articles:

L: I finished “The Art of Loving" by Fromm and "The Red Queen: Sex and the Evolution of Human Nature" by Ridley. The latter was more technical and science-packed and offered a few good insights. The former was more humanistic, easier to digest and practical, so I might want to read it again in the future. As for articles, I am subbed to four newsletters: Manson, Peterson, Get Rich Slowly and Mr. Money Mustache.

I got the "The Notes from Underground" by Dostoevsky. The reading habit is still kind of random. I need to get around to meditating + reading as I had planned if I am not going out for a walk + reading.

T: I finished "The Notes from Underground" - awesome book - and started reading "Iron John" by Robert Bly.

N: Finish "Iron John". It's not a particularly lengthy book, but I didn't read much recently.



L: I think I may be spending more time than I need to visiting my family currently. I enjoy having lunch and chatting with grandma afterwards once a week, so I don't mind spending 2-3 hours a week like this. An interesting side note is that I might be overall more attracted to women who share personality traits with my grandma rather than my mom, because I think she was around more when I was a kid. I want to visit my parents (and my brother) once every two weeks and my grandma every week.

It's different when the family (mostly mom, dad, brother and I) are together. It's strange, but it's as if there was nothing to talk about. We have lunch, then I play Scrabble with mom and then I just lounge about for a while before going home. I don't get to spend almost any time alone with any of them, though the solo conversation I had with my brother recently was good.

T: Mom had to go to the hospital. She's getting better, but we can't visit her now due to CV measures, so we at least call each other every now and then. I'm visiting my father with my brother and then my grandma solo every week.

N: -



L:  I want to keep the habit of spending one morning a week during the semester on uni stuff. It currently saves me about 30% of my expenses in forms of lower taxes/dorm living/insurance etc. Another thing to consider is that I actually do not have to attend the classes, but then I'll have to catch up on any/all coursework on my own. I already started studying for the exam. After that, I want to start working on my bachelor thesis every weekend, as I already got the topic.

T: I passed the exam from the last semester successfully. The semester already started and we got assigned some coursework, but I am not paying much attention during the online classes, so I am going to revise the recordings and ask my classmates to make sure I have everything covered.

N: Find out what the upcoming projects for this semester are and start working on the bachelor thesis.



L: I found Aikido and Krav Maga classes nearby. Aikido's advantages lie in that it's cheaper and that there's a bigger spiritual element to it. In practicality and schedule, I prefer Krav Maga - I'm in love with the idea I would get to a training at 0630. I'm going to visit both classes for comparison. I also need to figure out what's up with my shoulder and for that reason I went to the MRI with it yesterday. I want to pick up a martial art.

I had a cold since the beginning of the month for about two and a half weeks and I only started exercising a couple of days back. I got a bit rusty since then, but I’m back at it. I’m going to the doctor for the MRI results on Wednesday. There might be some jiu-jitsu classes around as well, but I need to write them to check it out, because their websites are acting up. Get back into the rhythm of exercising three times a week, hopefully I won’t need an operation of my shoulder.

T: The checkup went fine, I got an injection into my shoulder to help it heal some sort of micro-traumas that occurred there over time. This month has been subpar for exercising otherwise though. It just got rolled over by other events in life. The dorm gym was closed again due to CV a couple of days ago as well.

I'll have to organize some jogs with friends or workouts in my room to get back into it. I discovered a good jiu-jitsu course nearby I'd like to attend, but they are closed down now.

N: I want to pick up a martial art. Get back into the rhythm of exercising three times a week.



L: This category includes meeting with friends 1-1, socializing in groups, philosophy courses, English discussion clubs. I’m basically up for any event that interests me. Sometimes I have a good time and sometimes I wish I stayed at home and worked on something of value. I do say “no” quite a bit nowadays, especially if the event collides with my work obligations and I have no problem leaving early if it collides with my sleep schedule. I don’t want to become too "common" either. Rarity is scarcity. On the other hand, I do average some 10-15 hours physically “out” per week on these irregular events. I have no idea how to parse them further though.

T: Going through my calendar for this term, I noticed I went out somewhere for at least an hour or two most of the days. The good news is that there's a good chance I already had CV as a result and nobody around me seems to be dying. Oddities aside, the bad news is that I think I've likely been using this to dodge my (other) responsibilities, even though these events usually take place in the evening, supposedly after everyone has put in their day's work. I'll keep an eye out on this.

N: -


Here comes my month's favorite:



L:  Things didn’t work out with “Girl A” as I wanted them to a month ago. On the other hand, I came to accept that I do not get everything I want all the time and that some alternative results might eventually be good as well.

I think I am tougher thanks to all this. I learnt that perhaps I do not have as hard-core of a monogamous mentality as I thought I would have. My baseline is still that there is currently no girl I should be kissing, let alone be having sex with. Right now, I just do not know AND feel attracted towards any woman that I’d put my trust in with that over the long term.

I met some women at the excursion and yesterday, so I might talk to some or write to some of them soon.

T: Things with "Girl M" didn't progress anywhere past that evening we spent together and our visit to the ZOO. She's not been around the dorms due to the CV measures anyhow. I understand it as such that she took it as a mistake/learning experience on her part and I took it as a learning experience as well.


Things with "Girl L" are more nuanced and I think got a bit of a taste of being in a relationship after year and a half.

Our first day at the tree-planting event was great. We chatted, shared, worked together and spent the evening together as a consequence.

The next day we didn't meet, but she wrote me every couple of hours just to check on me. I sensed she wanted me badly enough that I had to put forth the idea I'm not going to commit to her (and have sex with her) until I know her better and spend more time together in an organized matter. At times, I was happy I have other obligations in life than to spend hours on end with her.

She had an extreme mood change on the fifth day and started feeling guilty about her boyfriend abroad. I think I had that information from her on day one, so I just have to pay more attention the next time and not think with my penis (no matter how pleasurable that is). An interesting side note: I masturbated the last Monday to drop my sexual drive (and to have sex with her this Monday to hit the 6-7 days peak?).

Regardless, during the days, I began to realize that she needed a lot of time to work on herself. Going from that point, I realized that if she's willing to spend a lot of time with me, she could be interested in things that make me "me", so I took her to the gym or went for a walk. I love people who do the same things I do, especially if we do them together.

I think the transfiguration of her life would be too heavy though and even if she managed it in some reasonable amount of time, it'd mean I have a lot of power over her and perhaps more than I'd like. Be it junk food, checking her phone often, watching too much YT/series/streams, trying to live in the past while having issues that haunted her from the past... I'm convinced there are better matches for me.

Regarding having power over other people, here's a great excerpt by Dostoevsky; I read it a few days before all this happened:



Next day I was ready again to look upon it all as nonsense, due to over- excited nerves, and, above all, as EXAGGER-ATED. I was always conscious of that weak point of mine, and sometimes very much afraid of it. ‘I exaggerate every-thing, that is where I go wrong,’ I repeated to myself every hour. But, however, ‘Liza will very likely come all the same,’ was the refrain with which all my reflections ended. I was so uneasy that I sometimes flew into a fury: ‘She’ll come, she is certain to come!’ I cried, running about the room, ‘if not today, she will come tomorrow; she’ll find me out! The damnable romanticism of these pure hearts! Oh, the vile-ness—oh, the silliness—oh, the stupidity of these ‘wretched sentimental souls!’ Why, how fail to understand? How could one fail to understand? ...

But at this point I stopped short, and in great confusion, indeed.

And how few, how few words, I thought, in passing, were needed; how little of the idyllic (and affectedly, bookishly, artificially idyllic too) had sufficed to turn a whole human life at once according to my will. That’s virginity, to be sure! Freshness of soil!

At times a thought occurred to me, to go to her, ‘to tell her all,’ and beg her not to come to me. But this thought stirred such wrath in me that I believed I should have crushed that ‘damned’ Liza if she had chanced to be near me at the time. I should have insulted her, have spat at her, have turned her out, have struck her!

One day passed, however, another and another; she did not come and I began to grow calmer. I felt particularly bold and cheerful after nine o’clock, I even sometimes be-gan dreaming, and rather sweetly: I, for instance, became the salvation of Liza, simply through her coming to me and my talking to her .... I develop her, educate her. Finally, I notice that she loves me, loves me passionately. I pretend not to understand (I don’t know, however, why I pretend, just for effect, perhaps). At last all confusion, transfigured, trembling and sobbing, she flings herself at my feet and says that I am her saviour, and that she loves me better than any-thing in the world. I am amazed, but .... ‘Liza,’ I say, ‘can you imagine that I have not noticed your love? I saw it all, I divined it, but I did not dare to approach you first, because I had an influence over you and was afraid that you would force yourself, from gratitude, to respond to my love, would try to rouse in your heart a feeling which was perhaps ab-sent, and I did not wish that ... because it would be tyranny ... it would be indelicate (in short, I launch off at that point into European, inexplicably lofty subtleties a la George Sand), but now, now you are mine, you are my creation, you are pure, you are good, you are my noble wife.

Into my house come bold and free, Its rightful mistress there to be’.’

Then we begin living together, go abroad and so on, and so on. In fact, in the end it seemed vulgar to me myself, and I began putting out my tongue at myself.


It might be one of the things that stopped me from having sex with her; I may not have been able to articulate them at the time, but I sensed deep down that I do not wish to have that connection with her, despite not having sex over a year and a half and naturally being hungry for it. The interesting thing was that we did basically everything preceding sex; she even said I was being provocative/cruel and driving her insane by tempting her this way without the climax.

I get to see "Girl L" every now and then in social settings. When there's a group chat about a topic and somebody makes a reference to a topic we know about each other in more detail, we hold eye contact as to say "we know this about each other and others do not". It's fascinating, because I think that reaction is not fully conscious.


If "Girl L" was the hot news of the last week before, then the last week has been slower, I still got a dream about kissing "Girl A" at the beginning of it and a dream about my my X and her family in the middle of it.



Do not get physical with a woman who you know have a boyfriend; if you already did, let her know that you're not interested in some triangle wars and tell her to sod off.

Highly emotional/impulsive beginning of a relationship is acceptable; however subsequent (structured!) dates to really get to know each other are vital.

Remember to be playful when with a woman 🙂





L: I sent out the CVs, attended a few interviews and uploaded the photos on my site. I was actually surprised two companies I worked for in the past accepted my demand for a pay rise of about 20%. I’m currently setting up more classes with the companies and we’re waiting for responses from the clients, so I can fit them into my schedule. I want to get the FB site up.

T: There's been a lot of reorganizing due to CV, as some courses got interrupted or moved online. I still retained a few classes though. I wanted to get the FB page up one day, but I got distracted by other things.

N: -



L: I think I find the most value in contacting people and setting up meetings, as I am finding I am running into some subconscious resistance by trying to make myself important and worthy of writing and communicating with people. Expanding my comfort zone is my primary motivation in this endeavor.

I have to say the service I could do for the general public is good and that it’s one of those where everybody wins. The opportunity of potentially building up my own firm is great as well. I’m also aware I can’t teach English part-time forever and that the mode of living I’m in right now is unsustainable once I graduate. It clicks for me intellectually.

There are a couple of emotional issues I am running into though regarding this.

First, I lack structure. My leader said he wants to create some schedule we could follow, where all trainees would sit down and we would do things together which would be great, but currently there is no schedule in place. I’m willing to re-adjust everything except sleep and English-teaching time wise, but I need some help with organizing my time more around working on this project.

What also holds me back is that it seems to me that I am using my words to get people to do something specific that I am not feeling intrinsically invested in. I believe what I am doing rationally, but I am not feeling it emotionally. I don’t know if it’s a hunch that I should get away from this or some inferiority complex that tells me that I can’t do and get what I want, but I definitely agree that it’s something very human.

I need to sort out the schedule with my superior, so I can effectively work towards my assignments. I think the emotions/feelings get sorted out themselves regardless.

T: The schedule is up. Though still relatively random (schedule came in this week), I did the most work on this project this term than at any other time. I did attend the business exam and failed, I believe partly (but not fully) from my own incompetence.

N: -




If my gut is correct, this will eventually boil down to choice between the above two, unless I want to die or become a workaholic. I feel as if all the rational reasons favored "finance", whereas all the emotional support "English". Below are some of my observations/thoughts:


Everybody has to take care of their finances; not everybody has to take care of their English.

The structure to build a firm in finance is provided; the thought of building a firm (language school) never occurred to me.

I feel that the lifestyle that made me "me" was imploding by trying to implement too much of the new schedule, so as a result I slacked particularly on working out or reading, but I think even the university and I'm not willing to let all these things slide.

One of my finance superiors is my age. I do not seem to subconsciously respect/feel inspired by him; he seems too perfect and artificial for me to connect with as a human being. I think he has no life outside of this business. The other guy is older and he seems more experienced, but doesn't seem to care at all whether I am around or not.

The truth is, I'm aware I pulled some nasty shit against my younger superior. I straight up lied a few times, was passive-aggressive and blew deadlines. I think it is partly caused by the sly usage of words on his part. I agreed to do something and then faced the conundrum of appearing to be a douche by recalling my agreement OR I get coerced under the weight of my half-hearted agreement. I don't want to have that kind of a relationship, no matter what it brings me.

The law of "FUCK YES or No" from Manson came into my mind, together with my "official move" on "Girl A". I made it straight, honest and genuine. If I tried to pressure her into re-thinking her decision, I think it would be disrespectful for both of us.

The older manager once mentioned that I should be primarily concerned by working with clients, as opposed to building a team. But then again I am already working with customers/clients when I teach English. I think that is actually what appealed to me more; I'd get the first hand experience and belief that what I do makes sense.

I then realized this is exactly what I did with my first class two years ago, but I already had the knowledge that my English skills are top-tier. Thanks to that I believed I could be a good teacher for my students, even though these were still times where I easily spend 10 hours a day gaming and saw people about once a week. 

My English teaching mentor is not around a lot, however I like his personality better and we hang out like normal human beings here and there. He's not exactly my business associate, but I picked up a lot of the philosophy and attitudes towards teaching English in a fun, interactive and meaningful way.

It's true that I might be teaching single digits of English per week, yet when I do, I enjoy it and somehow that feeling beats e.g. working in a warehouse for the whole week. I feel useful and I'm stepping into my element while doing it.

An interesting commonality between these is the need to "put on a show" somehow. One needs to be interesting. My Thursday class with a new student was great because I put on a good show during the class. I slept with "Girl L" because I put on a good show during the day/evening. I wouldn't be able to do these things if I did not believe these things to be intrinsically meaningful.

I'm tougher by going through all this.




I made the call and it's name is ENGLISH. I am no longer facing this internal divide. I will abandon it only if I am broke, homeless and eating rocks off of the ground. I am currently unable to get by financially with my current English workload. Hence:

I am going to contact the language school that offered me full-time employment back in February (already done).

I am going to send out some mails again to language schools and various other subjects to set up interviews.

I am going to update my website (add pages for references + something else?).

I am going to get an FB page of my school up.

I am going to pursue closer co-operation with my English mentor, as we meet every Monday at the philosophy courses (lecturer academy idea?).

I am going to think about taking up more online courses and learn how to run them - live courses are scarce nowadays, even though I prefer them.




Find out in greater detail what it is that I am exactly aiming at - finish the Self-Authoring exercise.

It's less of a question WHAT I do compared to HOW I do it.





Drumming is gone.

Business idea is gone.

Forex is gone. It's not that it wouldn't work at all, but it doesn't work for me in the way I want it to work. I think I best keep job unity the next time. 

Guns are gone. No gun activities this term and there won't likely be any for a while either.



Masturbation - reminder:

I think it'll be like with gaming - I tried to haphazardly quit gaming multiple times, but finally by getting here I reached the breaking point. It's likely gonna take more than a few weeks and re-making the decision that I don't have time to waste. Ejaculation is easy for me to handle, it's just that masturbation overall is difficult to get rid of. It's a process.

I'm two weeks free of ejaculation and my facial skin is the cleanest it's ever been.



L: I never got around to do it, though it could be that I incorporate some of it while working out or singing along with music or while on a walk. I want to figure out where to put it into my daily rhythm.

I meditated a few times and I enjoyed the calmness. I gotta step up the relaxing activities, even though it sounds like an oxymoron 😄 

T: I think reading + meditation might be a good combo, it’s just that I have to remember to do it when I have enough time to read, but not enough time to go for a walk at the same time. It's getting cold outside though, so I will not read outside too much anymore.



L: I noticed I became more grateful in some areas, though I get cocky at times, but mostly when I am alone. I plan to mark down a thing or two in each entry that I am grateful for, preferably something original and non-repetitive.

T: I managed to sneak it in into my journal a couple of times, so that's good.

I'm grateful for all the new relationships and opportunities that flew into my life the last month. I'm going to make sure this continues. 




Additional projects/misc/cool stuff finished last month:

volunteer tree planting

finished the uni exam


Additional projects/misc/cool stuff upcoming this month:




Thoughts, ideas and additional comments/gratitude: 



I think I have done a good job at incorporating psychology lectures I’ve seen/learnt into my life. I don’t want to re-live the experience I’ve had last March/April, because it could be deadly.

I gained the ability to plan after I quit games.

Regained/new daily habits: I clean my teeth daily, Duolingo, journaling, working out.

Life’s more colorful and more difficult to deal with, but at least I can look at myself in the mirror now and see myself less skewed than before.

I think I give meaning to things that deserve it now.

I am not horrified of free time anymore. This is a BIG one.

I am using my sociability more sensibly. No more trolling in Twitch chat and streaming.

Coming to think of it, I’ve never been overly anxious to begin with, just the normal amount. I asked girls out on dates on high school. I was just totally oblivious to the signals I sent/received.

I’m more conscious of both what I do and how I do it in relation with other people. I still get anxiety, but I act despite it. I stand tall and have my say.

I'm very lucky to have a mentor in the field I am excited about.

I'm grateful for everyone who has entered my life.



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Day 543:

I watched online uni lectures, read, worked on my monthly report and visited a friend regarding the business idea.

Day 544:

I worked on my monthly report, cooked, went for a jog, had an online call with my high-school classmates and played desktops in the evening.

Day 545:

I worked on my monthly report, sorted out English work mails, visited my father with my brother, jammed with the band and played chess and desktops in the evening.

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Day 547:

I worked on a uni project, uploaded uni lectures for my classes, read, worked on Self-Authoring, did the groceries, went for a walk with "Girl C" for a few hours and had an English class in the evening.


"Girl C" is the Taiwanese piano girl. While writing my friend about it in the evening, a few years ago I'd have never thought of talking to and connecting with a girl this talkative and decent looking. I like her thinking and habits so far, but I do not plan on dating her, as she's an Erasmus student. But who knows.

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Day 548:

I did some research on the prices of drums, read, officially quit working on the "finance idea", visited my grandma, had an English class with a new student and organized a small desktop get-together in the evening.

Day 549:

I worked on my school project, did some paperwork, cooked, fell asleep while reading in my bed, had online uni lectures, had an English lesson, jogged and watched a webinar how to run online classes.

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1 hour ago, Bird By Bird said:

From what I understand, you still drum but only casually. Is that right? I've also lowered "things I could be good at but are not the priority" to the hobby list, as opposed to the business/career list.

I've basically just quit, since the guys found someone else and I do not feel I could make it a priority in my life to do it well.

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