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Ikar's Diary


Ikar
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6 hours ago, Helen said:

Boundaries. I am learning about them and what I need and I guess we all are and rigid is just fine because it means self regard and not easily derailed. (in my opinion) 🙂

I can see that and I like it, although I come from the extreme of gaming 10 hours a day and not doing anything novel.

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Day 422:

I drove my car to have it serviced, drove it back, took a nap, cooked, played with the band and attended the philosophy seminar. I also managed to blow the tire on my bike after having it fixed, so I'll have to look into that tomorrow, because blowing a tire twice in two weeks is not usual.

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Day 423:

I did Duolingo, studied for the exam on Friday, went through mails, watched a Forex stream, did the dishes, checked up on my bike, worked out, went for a walk and read, did the laundry and went out for dinner with a friend.

---

I find the past two days that I have some time to be bored and just exist, which is actually welcome overall after the hectic term. I might start getting creative again. I'm consolidating and recharging.

I'm also on a no masturbation streak since Friday 5th, even though it was close on Thursday 11th.

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On 6/17/2020 at 6:58 AM, Ikar said:

Day 423:

I did Duolingo, studied for the exam on Friday, went through mails, watched a Forex stream, did the dishes, checked up on my bike, worked out, went for a walk and read, did the laundry and went out for dinner with a friend.

---

I find the past two days that I have some time to be bored and just exist, which is actually welcome overall after the hectic term. I might start getting creative again. I'm consolidating and recharging.

I'm also on a no masturbation streak since Friday 5th, even though it was close on Thursday 11th.

Great job. Do you find that porn and masturbation coincide together for you or have you ditched porn and just deal with the masturbation issue? Is masturbation just as frustrating as porn? Worse?

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4 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Great job. Do you find that porn and masturbation coincide together for you or have you ditched porn and just deal with the masturbation issue? Is masturbation just as frustrating as porn? Worse?

I never watched porn per se, though I watched a substitute up until 9 months ago or so. I never felt angry about it. I just figured there's no point in doing things the same old way once I started talking with women more and using my time in a smarter way.

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Day 424:

I studied, watched a Forex stream, read Martin Luther King's letter from Birmingham jail, read, visited my grandma, taught an English class and played desktops in the evening.

---

I had a new student join me on this class. She seemed excited and said she would be back next week.

 

Day 425:

I watched a Forex stream, met with "Girl A" for a small chat, studied, wrote my friend and worked out.

---

My mind was racing after meeting "Girl A", because I always get inspired and write down at least a few thoughts afterwards, but it's hard to focus on anything else. I tried a few things, but in the evening I decided to masturbate after 12 days and I relieved myself from the stimulation. I came up with a plan for approaching the relationship I have with her. Whatever the result may be, I am grateful I met her.

 

Day 426:

I taught an English class, worked out, went to the shop, wrote the exam and went out in the evening.

---

One of my former high school classmates (I see him once every few months) told me he noticed a shift in my behavior for the better since I quit high school. I told him that he's correct and that I am happier too.

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On 6/20/2020 at 1:45 PM, CG EYE said:

Wow 426 days!

Well done!

Keep it up

Thanks! Good luck on your detox as well 🙂

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Day 427:

I did Duolingo, did the laundry, a few other chores, planned my next week, wrote a bit, had a long session with the band and went to bed early.

Day 428:

I wrote here, went for a walk in the rain, read, visited my family, worked out, wrote a bit and wrote my friends.

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Day 429:

I went to get my bike fixed and bought gear to fix it myself the next time. I got my hair cut, worked out, drummed with the band, shopped with my mom for some summer clothes, organized an event on FB for late July and wrote to friends.

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1 hour ago, Ikar said:

Day 429:

I went to get my bike fixed and bought gear to fix it myself the next time. I got my hair cut, worked out, drummed with the band, shopped with my mom for some summer clothes, organized an event on FB for late July and wrote to friends.

The band must be fun during the quarantine. I need to get a haircut but I'm considering growing it for a year since I'm already halfway there. 

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On 6/22/2020 at 11:24 PM, BooksandTrees said:

The band must be fun during the quarantine. I need to get a haircut but I'm considering growing it for a year since I'm already halfway there. 

It is! The weird thing about this all is that here in central Europe, the quarantine is basically gone at this point. I hope the trend continues, where people get infected slowly enough to not overcrowd the hospitals, if they have severe complications. I think the virus eventually finds us all and that it's just a dice roll whether our bodies have good defense against it or not.

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Day 430:

I wrote some mails, thought about and planned my course of action regarding relationship with "Girl A", watched the FX stream, hopped around with basketball, went for a walk, read, met with a friend from the military I haven't seen in 2 years and had a philosophy seminar in the evening.

Day 431:

I studied, watched the FX stream, worked out, visited my grandma, taught an English class and wrote my friends.

---

My volunteer English class is growing. I had three ladies join today, with two of them being pensioners but having decent English. They're very talkative and the class is easygoing because of that.

Even though "Girl A" didn't reply to my message for a few days, she did invite me to her cottage party the next weekend, along with 30 or so people (I'd expect probably half will show up), of which I know just a few. It effectively made my contingency plans futile, however it might be a better plan than the one I had in mind. Besides, I get to meet new people and that's always helpful. I'm happy with how this is turning out.

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Day 432:

I studied extensively, watched a Forex stream, hopped around with basketball, went for a walk, did the groceries and went to an English speaking event in the evening.

---

I ejaculated after 5 days yesterday, although I did "dry" masturbation a few times the days before. Now I want to be masturbation-free until next Monday, so that's at least 10 days. I think I also felt a bit tired during the day because I masturbated the night before.

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Day 433:

I had an English class in the morning, I worked out, studied, took a nap, wrote to my friends and went out for a dinner with one of them.

---

It was a bit bumpy with masturbation the past few days, but I got through this night without issues. I suppose it would be easier if I quit completely, but if I am to have a regular sex life, I don't think it would make sense to have sex less than once a week.

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8 hours ago, Ikar said:

Day 433:

I had an English class in the morning, I worked out, studied, took a nap, wrote to my friends and went out for a dinner with one of them.

---

It was a bit bumpy with masturbation the past few days, but I got through this night without issues. I suppose it would be easier if I quit completely, but if I am to have a regular sex life, I don't think it would make sense to have sex less than once a week.

It depends what you're masturbating or having sex for. If it's stress relief then no, not worth it. 

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27 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

It depends what you're masturbating or having sex for. If it's stress relief then no, not worth it. 

This made me think. I'm sure I'd have sex to strengthen the existing bond between me and the woman and to officially "kick off" the monogamous relationship. As for masturbating + ejaculating on my own, I think I need the discipline to not go overboard with it, but not to completely lock it out either. It's the same with any biological need like eating or drinking. I think I am doing very well as far as masturbation goes for the past three weeks and I can't think of an instance where I ejaculated more than three times a week.

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Day 434:

I planned the next week, wrote the exam, hopped around with basketball, took a nap (I didn't feel well after spending some time outside in the heat), I started writing my longer report and I played with the band in the evening.

Day 435:

I worked on my longer report, visited my family, did some shopping and worked out.

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I'm using the template I used the last time. 6/6/20 - 28/6/20

 

"L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term. "N" will stand for the plan next term.

---

 

Books:

L: Finish reading "Rich Dad Poor Dad" and start reading "On the Genealogy of Morality".

T: I finished "Rich Dad Poor Dad". Another great book that explains how money works in a simple yet effective manner. I started reading "On the Genealogy of Morality".

N: Finish reading "On the Genealogy of Morality". Start a notebook where I write the main points from the books I read.

 

English - Personal + Business:

L: The classes should run up until June. I'll see what I can come up with my friend.

T: I am still teaching the two classes. They should be running through the summer as well. I also went went to the English outdoor.

N: My volunteer class is growing. I don't expect to get/create any more classes during the summer. I am going to be sending out CVs in the beginning/mid August to check what's available in the city, as most courses start in September/October.

 

Family:

L: -

T: I can't notice anything out of the ordinary. Meeting up with everyone once a week.

N: -

 

University:

L: Nail those exams. That includes the GIS project, though it's the last thing to do.

T: I have to retake one exam in late July, but it's all good! The GIS project is likely the next thing to be done in the next 2 weeks.

N: Win.

 

Being social:

L: -

T: There's very few restrictions still in place, most of them got canceled. That said, I seldom go out just to go out. I like when meetings have an agenda, like speaking in English or philosophy, rather than a random get-together of people.

N: -

 

Exercise/movement:

L: I want to bench 50 kg the next month, I am currently on 30 kg. Getting to do pull-ups in series of 7 or 8 would be nice as well.

T: I get to the gym at least three times a week and sometimes I take the basketball for a spin instead. I started doing push-ups instead of lifting weights at the bench. I did 7 or 8 pull-up series a couple of times too.

N: I want to become more consistent with push-ups. I didn't like the exercise historically. I also want to come up with a good leg workout, as the only exercises I know are lunges and squats.

 

Russian: I am still on track on Duolingo (278 days streak).

 

Forex:

L: I stick with the same FX streamer/educator for over a month now and I actually made a couple of % on my real account. I've been quite aggressive employing the strategy this week, as I grew more confident. Keep doing what I'm doing. If I keep making these small % over a couple of months or even a year (and keep getting better), it's the way to go.

T: The raw data is that in these 6 weeks I've been anywhere between 90% and 130% of my investment, while I am currently sitting a bit over 100% (breaking even). I think I can make this work for me.

N: The most important thing is to keep it together and not get stressed by other events in my life, keep on being disciplined and let emotions get into the equation as least as possible.

 

Business idea:

L: I got involved in one business idea outside of Forex. I'll see how this goes.

T: I decided to stop this endeavor for the time being, at least until I've dealt with exams and became a bit better at handling Forex, both mentally and time-wise.

N: I'm still interested in this, although more for the skill-set involved rather than the financial side of things.

 

Women/dating:

L: The paragraphs below are about "Girl A":

The story is in fact pretty simple. I got talking to her about a month ago, she liked my blog and we went for a walk a few times. We share some of our past, hobbies, opinions etc. I became increasingly attracted to her thanks to that. We also share some general guidelines on how to behave in the future. The "issue" here is that she dates one Erasmus guy and it's something I've known since I met her.

I have a lot of thoughts, speculations and hypotheses, but regardless I think the best idea for me is to detach and become comfortable with the situation I've never been in. Relax. Do everything I normally do. It is what brought my attention to her and her attention to mine after all. Experience is what counts. I'm in control and everything is fine 🙂

I am still writing with "Girl A" every now and then, even though we didn't manage to meet for a few weeks. I think she's apprehensive towards meeting me alone or attending events where I would be the only one she knows initially, because she has a boyfriend after all. I understand the behavior and I wouldn't want any of us to do anything stupid, as long as everybody involved is relatively happy. She invited me to a few events herself, but I wasn't able to attend as they were fairly last-minute and I had plans already.

I also started writing with "Girl T" the past week. I remember meeting her back on one of the English-speaking sessions back in January/February/March and we chatted for a while, although I would assume she was not interested in me from the interaction. So when her friend requested landed the last week, I initially didn't know who she was, so I asked her that and I had to reminisce for half an hour before I figured it out. We got chatting afterwards. Life's strange.

T: "Girl A" and I met up once and she returned me the book about relationships I lent her. She is very introspective about her relationship patterns and keeps the conversation logical and impersonal. She doesn't whine. I'm arriving to some conclusions myself now that I know her, some of her thoughts and my relationship with my X. It's intriguing and terrifying at the same time.

"Girl T" didn't reply for three weeks now, so that thread is dead.

N: I want to talk to "Girl A" again to share my conclusions. I'm going to do that this weekend.

---

 

Additional projects/misc/cool stuff finished last month:

none

Additional projects/misc/cool stuff upcoming this month:

gun license

---

 

Thoughts, ideas and additional comments/gratitude:

 

Spoiler

I think I have done a good job at incorporating psychology lectures I’ve seen/learnt into my life. I don’t want to re-live the experience I’ve had last March/April, because it could be deadly.

I gained the ability to plan after I quit games.

Regained/new daily habits: I clean my teeth daily, Duolingo, journaling, working out.

Life’s more colorful and more difficult to deal with, but at least I can look at myself in the mirror now and see myself less skewed than before.

I think I give meaning to things that deserve it now.

I am not horrified of free time anymore. This is a BIG one.

I am using my sociability more sensibly. No more trolling in Twitch chat and streaming.

Coming to think of it, I’ve never been overly anxious to begin with, just the normal amount. I asked girls out on dates on high school. I was just totally oblivious to the signals I sent/received.

I’m more conscious of both what I do and how I do it in relation with other people. I still get anxiety, but I act despite it. I stand tall and have my say.

I'm very lucky to have a mentor in the field I am excited about.

I'm grateful for everyone who has entered my life.

 

I EMBRACE THE FACT THAT ANYTHING I START DOING, I WILL DO IT BADLY. I CAN ONLY BECOME BETTER INCREMENTALLY AND BY PRACTICE.

 

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Day 436:

I finished my monthly report, did some paperwork regarding the gun license, wrote to my friends, worked on the big report, cooked and attended the philosophy seminar. I cycled about 20 kilometers today as well.

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I love reading your recaps. They are so insightful and just show how much you are growing. 
 

“Life is more colorful” - this is so beautiful to hear!  Just to be able to stop and enjoy the small moments. To notice the dew drops on a leaf, the way the branches blow in the wind, the feeling of ground beneath your feet. This is so wonderful. 
 

“ I am not horrified of free time”. This is huge. To be ok with just being. Just being still, not having to do anything or get anyway. To just know that you to enjoy the present moment. 
 

I am just so proud of you. Your posts are so insightful and intuitive. I realized that I projected a lot on to your statements, but they deeply resonated with me. 
 

I hope you have the most wonderful day. 

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1 hour ago, Icandothis said:

I love reading your recaps. They are so insightful and just show how much you are growing. 
 

“Life is more colorful” - this is so beautiful to hear!  Just to be able to stop and enjoy the small moments. To notice the dew drops on a leaf, the way the branches blow in the wind, the feeling of ground beneath your feet. This is so wonderful. 
 

“ I am not horrified of free time”. This is huge. To be ok with just being. Just being still, not having to do anything or get anyway. To just know that you to enjoy the present moment. 
 

I am just so proud of you. Your posts are so insightful and intuitive. I realized that I projected a lot on to your statements, but they deeply resonated with me. 
 

I hope you have the most wonderful day. 

Thanks! I have actually another one coming in the next few days 🙂

I wrote all those statements a couple of months ago and I keep re-posting them each time in the monthly report, as I found out they are good to remember. Though it sounds paradoxical, I need to keep working on just being in the present moment. I think just a few years ago, I'd scoff at anything that would be written in the same ethereal undertone you use on a regular basis (or that I used in those few sentences), but nowadays I can't help but feel they are damn wonderful and delicate.

Thank you for being here.

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Day 437:

I worked on Duolingo, then on my big report, spent some time on Forex, wrote my friends, worked out, went for a walk and read. In the evening, I moved most of my things from my current room to another, as there's some reorganization going on, but I should spend the next year in the same (currently new) room.

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On 6/29/2020 at 2:17 AM, Ikar said:

I'm using the template I used the last time. 6/6/20 - 28/6/20

 

"L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term. "N" will stand for the plan next term.

---

 

Books:

L: Finish reading "Rich Dad Poor Dad" and start reading "On the Genealogy of Morality".

T: I finished "Rich Dad Poor Dad". Another great book that explains how money works in a simple yet effective manner. I started reading "On the Genealogy of Morality".

N: Finish reading "On the Genealogy of Morality". Start a notebook where I write the main points from the books I read.

 

English - Personal + Business:

L: The classes should run up until June. I'll see what I can come up with my friend.

T: I am still teaching the two classes. They should be running through the summer as well. I also went went to the English outdoor.

N: My volunteer class is growing. I don't expect to get/create any more classes during the summer. I am going to be sending out CVs in the beginning/mid August to check what's available in the city, as most courses start in September/October.

 

Family:

L: -

T: I can't notice anything out of the ordinary. Meeting up with everyone once a week.

N: -

 

University:

L: Nail those exams. That includes the GIS project, though it's the last thing to do.

T: I have to retake one exam in late July, but it's all good! The GIS project is likely the next thing to be done in the next 2 weeks.

N: Win.

 

Being social:

L: -

T: There's very few restrictions still in place, most of them got canceled. That said, I seldom go out just to go out. I like when meetings have an agenda, like speaking in English or philosophy, rather than a random get-together of people.

N: -

 

Exercise/movement:

L: I want to bench 50 kg the next month, I am currently on 30 kg. Getting to do pull-ups in series of 7 or 8 would be nice as well.

T: I get to the gym at least three times a week and sometimes I take the basketball for a spin instead. I started doing push-ups instead of lifting weights at the bench. I did 7 or 8 pull-up series a couple of times too.

N: I want to become more consistent with push-ups. I didn't like the exercise historically. I also want to come up with a good leg workout, as the only exercises I know are lunges and squats.

 

Russian: I am still on track on Duolingo (278 days streak).

 

Forex:

L: I stick with the same FX streamer/educator for over a month now and I actually made a couple of % on my real account. I've been quite aggressive employing the strategy this week, as I grew more confident. Keep doing what I'm doing. If I keep making these small % over a couple of months or even a year (and keep getting better), it's the way to go.

T: The raw data is that in these 6 weeks I've been anywhere between 90% and 130% of my investment, while I am currently sitting a bit over 100% (breaking even). I think I can make this work for me.

N: The most important thing is to keep it together and not get stressed by other events in my life, keep on being disciplined and let emotions get into the equation as least as possible.

 

Business idea:

L: I got involved in one business idea outside of Forex. I'll see how this goes.

T: I decided to stop this endeavor for the time being, at least until I've dealt with exams and became a bit better at handling Forex, both mentally and time-wise.

N: I'm still interested in this, although more for the skill-set involved rather than the financial side of things.

 

Women/dating:

L: The paragraphs below are about "Girl A":

The story is in fact pretty simple. I got talking to her about a month ago, she liked my blog and we went for a walk a few times. We share some of our past, hobbies, opinions etc. I became increasingly attracted to her thanks to that. We also share some general guidelines on how to behave in the future. The "issue" here is that she dates one Erasmus guy and it's something I've known since I met her.

I have a lot of thoughts, speculations and hypotheses, but regardless I think the best idea for me is to detach and become comfortable with the situation I've never been in. Relax. Do everything I normally do. It is what brought my attention to her and her attention to mine after all. Experience is what counts. I'm in control and everything is fine 🙂

I am still writing with "Girl A" every now and then, even though we didn't manage to meet for a few weeks. I think she's apprehensive towards meeting me alone or attending events where I would be the only one she knows initially, because she has a boyfriend after all. I understand the behavior and I wouldn't want any of us to do anything stupid, as long as everybody involved is relatively happy. She invited me to a few events herself, but I wasn't able to attend as they were fairly last-minute and I had plans already.

I also started writing with "Girl T" the past week. I remember meeting her back on one of the English-speaking sessions back in January/February/March and we chatted for a while, although I would assume she was not interested in me from the interaction. So when her friend requested landed the last week, I initially didn't know who she was, so I asked her that and I had to reminisce for half an hour before I figured it out. We got chatting afterwards. Life's strange.

T: "Girl A" and I met up once and she returned me the book about relationships I lent her. She is very introspective about her relationship patterns and keeps the conversation logical and impersonal. She doesn't whine. I'm arriving to some conclusions myself now that I know her, some of her thoughts and my relationship with my X. It's intriguing and terrifying at the same time.

"Girl T" didn't reply for three weeks now, so that thread is dead.

N: I want to talk to "Girl A" again to share my conclusions. I'm going to do that this weekend.

---

 

Additional projects/misc/cool stuff finished last month:

none

Additional projects/misc/cool stuff upcoming this month:

gun license

---

 

Thoughts, ideas and additional comments/gratitude:

 

  Reveal hidden contents

I think I have done a good job at incorporating psychology lectures I’ve seen/learnt into my life. I don’t want to re-live the experience I’ve had last March/April, because it could be deadly.

I gained the ability to plan after I quit games.

Regained/new daily habits: I clean my teeth daily, Duolingo, journaling, working out.

Life’s more colorful and more difficult to deal with, but at least I can look at myself in the mirror now and see myself less skewed than before.

I think I give meaning to things that deserve it now.

I am not horrified of free time anymore. This is a BIG one.

I am using my sociability more sensibly. No more trolling in Twitch chat and streaming.

Coming to think of it, I’ve never been overly anxious to begin with, just the normal amount. I asked girls out on dates on high school. I was just totally oblivious to the signals I sent/received.

I’m more conscious of both what I do and how I do it in relation with other people. I still get anxiety, but I act despite it. I stand tall and have my say.

I'm very lucky to have a mentor in the field I am excited about.

I'm grateful for everyone who has entered my life.

 

I EMBRACE THE FACT THAT ANYTHING I START DOING, I WILL DO IT BADLY. I CAN ONLY BECOME BETTER INCREMENTALLY AND BY PRACTICE.

 

I gotta start doing mine again. I think it just became like work because I was tracking so much data lol. I might simplify it. Glad to see you're doing well.

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Day 438:

I finalized moving to the new room, watched a Forex stream, worked out, wrote my friends and went to an English speaking event. I joined a group of 16-18 years olds playing board-games and they were all quite energetic and curious, so we had a good time.

Day 439:

I worked on Duolingo, figured out how to do reverse tethering from PC cable internet to my phone, watched a Forex stream, chatted with "Girl A" about the event during the weekend, took a nap (it's scorching here and my body doesn't take that well, so I assume I got sick from too much sun), visited my grandma, taught an English class and worked out.

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