Dear Diary...

[BooksandTrees]

1 hour ago, Ikar said:

They've actually opened the pubs several days ago, so I hope the sport and cultural events are going to open in June as well. It's easier to stay away from addictions with good people around.

Sounds good! It seems that you are happy with your relationship and that you are getting what you want.

Very happy! I still am in shock that I got this fortunate to meet someone like her. 

[BooksandTrees]

Today I'm 135 weeks free from gaming. I'm on a nice vacation with my girlfriend and her family. I feel a lot better after being over a week away from the distracting apps. 

I'm relaxing now and hoping to recover from burnout. It's nice to relax. 

[BooksandTrees]

I failed my exam again. 

I don't know how to feel. I never failed this much back in college. I also know that I didn't commit enough time to this exam to succeed. I believe you need to dedicate 3-6 months of pure studying 3-6 days per week. The people who pass put way more effort into it I did.

I am not upset by failing. I'm not sure how to feel. I knew I failed again. I don't really want to pass right now. I don't really feel happy with my current work. I want to stay at this job, love the benefits and coworkers etc. I just don't find the work interesting anymore. I find it a complete drag. It's busy work and not interesting to me anymore. 

I am grateful for the job. I just feel very bored of it at the moment and don't really care if I get the title change right now. My goal is to wait a year and study once I'm in a better space. During the first two attempts I had to change my antidepressant dosage a few times and I wasn't in the best mind space to dedicate a quarter of a year to studying. I feel better now because I've got my dosage worked out nicely. I just want to get my life back on track. 

I'm going to be writing and drawing more soon. I'm exercising and going to try and avoid porn for the rest of my life. I also want to just enjoy my time outside of work. I currently only enjoy time with my girlfriend and when I'm alone I'm a little miserable. I'm going to keep working on my attitude.

I'm tired of thinking about this exam so I won't prepare for it again until 2022. I want my life back. I'm burnt out and tired after a year of constant studying and no hobby development since April of 2020. 

[Cam Adair]

Sorry to hear about your exam.

[Ikar]

8 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I don't know how to feel. I never failed this much back in college. I also know that I didn't commit enough time to this exam to succeed. I believe you need to dedicate 3-6 months of pure studying 3-6 days per week. The people who pass put way more effort into it I did.

Is there any way to get more detailed feedback? Such as how many people passed, the answers you got wrong etc.? It's difficult to improve when you don't know what to improve on, what were the actual minimum conditions for passing the exam and how many people actually passed.

9 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'm going to be writing and drawing more soon. I'm exercising and going to try and avoid porn for the rest of my life. I also want to just enjoy my time outside of work. I currently only enjoy time with my girlfriend and when I'm alone I'm a little miserable. I'm going to keep working on my attitude.

Definitely a good idea, as your girlfriend can't be the sole source of happiness in your life. Besides, sometimes you're going to piss off each other, no matter what you do or don't do!

[BooksandTrees]

4 hours ago, Ikar said:

there any way to get more detailed feedback? Such as how many people passed, the answers you got wrong etc.? It's difficult to improve when you don't know what to improve on, what were the actual minimum conditions for passing the exam and how many people actually passed.

Only 45% of people passed. It is usually 70%. They made it more difficult lol. They give a diagnostic but they gave trick questions this year. 

 

[BooksandTrees]

4 hours ago, Cam Adair said:

Sorry to hear about your exam.

I'll get it next time. I'm relieved to have closure anyways. 

[BooksandTrees]

I've been so dejected and unmotivated recently. I enjoy life but not work right now. I can't seem to overcome this feeling of being cheated out of my time or something. 

My job isn't being too unfair or anything. I'm just feeling like I don't want to do anything. I feel more awake than the previous few weeks without the apps and stuff. 

Maybe I just need to accept work for now and realize it provides the money I need for time to enjoy life. 

[Amphibian220]

This is the thing with work, there has to be a greater strategy and vision about where you want to move with your projects.

you have to deal with boredom to get to success. Don't doubt yourself in your job, its going to change for the better. Every time i come to work, i think to myself: behind all this routine and boredom lies ahead a great moment of challenge which i will overcome.

But apply new tactics to get rid of bad habits. Best thing is to be unavailable for the bad habit. We know when and where we are bound to do something bad, so avoid that situation beforehand.

in fact, this kind of “escape” looks promising and fun to do. 

[championeal]

20 minutes ago, Amphibian220 said:

This is the thing with work, there has to be a greater strategy and vision about where you want to move with your projects.

I agree with @Amphibian220 and also will add that it helps to see how the work you're doing has an impact. This adds personal pride to the work we do. @BooksandTrees I'm not sure what exactly your job is.  For me right now, I simply work as a barista serving people coffee drinks. Sometimes I find my job repetitive and boring, because it is pretty much the same work every day. When I'm able to remind myself how important this coffee moment is to these people and see the value in my work, then I have good days.

[BooksandTrees]

Thanks @Amphibian220and @championeal. I started today off with some quiet time and did some stretching as well as a good breakfast and watched my show. I feel more relaxed and ready to get stuff completed today. I feel better about the fact that the harder I work the more reward I get monetarily. 

[BooksandTrees]

I had a much more productive day today at work. It wasn't the most productive, but it was my most productive this week and it was because I gave myself time to relax this morning and start my day off right. I didn't think about being unhappy or anything.

I was almost peer pressured into a social event but stayed strong and got out of it. I want to relax tonight and do some art or something. I'm tired. It's been a long week. Failing that exam bothered me and made me tired. Work bothered me and made me tired. I finally relaxed yesterday and today I rebounded because of it. 

I'm looking forward to spending time with my girlfriend this weekend and just being together. 

[BooksandTrees]

Depression is awful. I will pull through this. I hope anyone suffering out there is staying strong. You've got this. We've got this. 

[championeal]

5 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'm looking forward to spending time with my girlfriend this weekend and just being together

Enjoy the weekend! ☀️

[BooksandTrees]

Today I'm 136 weeks free from gaming. I randomly woke up very early this morning and can't go back to bed.  Not out of anything negative though. I'm just awake and ready for the day. 

I've struggled this week with depression and I understand the process. I've got major depressive disorder and some weeks will be like this regardless of the medication I take or the therapy I attend. I got out of it last night by smiling. I forced myself to smile and for some reason it put me in a better mood. 

I hope everyone has a good day and weekend. 

[BooksandTrees]

I had a really special weekend with my girlfriend. She gave me the courage to paint some stuff that I'd wanted to paint for years. I also had a revelation about why I didn't try hard on that exam. I struggled a bit with motivation today but I actually just worked super late to complete my 8 hour day. It's the most productive Monday I've had in months. I got all of my projects completed and I feel morally complete for it. I'd made excuses and tried to get to the end of the day so many times. This time I did it. 

I also didn't watch hockey once my team started losing because I knew they'd ruin my day if I did. I was right. I am happy now.

[BooksandTrees]

I haven't felt well today and it has made me want to play video games. I obviously won't but it's interesting that it just makes me want to play or something. I do miss the games I used to play but I have been doing more hobbies and slowing life down which is nice. 

[BooksandTrees]

I had a few people request some art projects from me after they saw my stuff. I'm pretty excited.

[BooksandTrees]

I think I'm sort of unhappy with my career again. Idk. 

[Amphibian220]

Ok, are you regularly tracking offers on jobseeker websites not only in your practice area but other related fields too? 

What sort of intel have you got with regards to that?

Edited June 11, 2021 by Amphibian220

[BooksandTrees]

On 6/11/2021 at 11:11 AM, Amphibian220 said:

Ok, are you regularly tracking offers on jobseeker websites not only in your practice area but other related fields too? 

What sort of intel have you got with regards to that?

Nah, I'm just gonna talk to my bosses about certain tasks and stuff so they understand what is happening since a few other people mentioned to me that they're experiencing the same frustration. Maybe we can fix it.

[BooksandTrees]

This weekend I made it to 137 weeks free from gaming. It was a very busy weekend and I don't really feel well but I'm happy still. Just a lack of sleep I think. I did hobbies too. 

[Amphibian220]

How about taking time off to spend time somewhere else away from your old environment? Did you have that?

[BooksandTrees]

2 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

How about taking time off to spend time somewhere else away from your old environment? Did you have that?

I have not yet. I think I'd like to do that this year as well. I might do it this week even. 

[BooksandTrees]

I really miss video games tonight. I'd love to casually zone out and play. But I go to bed in 1 hour. I'm just tired. This is how I handle the craving.