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WhoCares

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  1. I've just sold my GPU. I was using my GTX 1060 for 4 years and sold it for the same price for which I bought it. Thanks for microelectronics shortage and miners. There's no reason to buy GPU now for such a high price, so I decided to buy a GPU only when I come back form army. So I'm left with just my ThinkPad T440P for the next 3 months. It means that I won't be able to game. Alright, I'll focus on learning programming then.
  2. Sure, but I can do this only next year. And since I’m not in uni, I have to go to the army. I’ll come back and redo all exams.
  3. @Pochatok Yeah, I think you're right, but I feel like something has permanently changed in me. I don't feel good after gaming anymore, nor do I enjoy it even slightly as before. I've just got my math results, I have 62 points out of 100. It's a very shitty result, l completely fucked up with this one. It's so bad that I can't enter any good universities with this shit. So 99% I'm going to the army for a year. Since I finished my exams, every time I play I actually feel bad, because instead of doing something productive I'm wasting my time on gaming and understanding it vanishes all enjoyment from it. I'll try to update my journal sometimes to systemize my thoughts and goals.
  4. @Amphibian220 I've got your point, video games indeed can numb feelings and work as an escape, but I think that at this point I'm already well aware of my issues and games can't do anything with this. My experiment went pretty well, I completely lost any interest in gaming and every time when I'm trying to play I get bored. I'm still not planning to put any restrictions on gaming, but I think I'm slowly quitting it. Maybe when I tried to force myself not to play, it actually tempted me to play more. And when I'm free of any responsibilities, it makes me much more motivated to do productive stuff.
  5. Today I played for 2 or 3 hours. I enjoyed it, but I had no problem stopping. In the past, I used to say “one more game” and it could continue up to 5 hours. But today I actually quit after that “one game”. Last Fall, I was severely depressed because I couldn’t quit gaming and had very important exams coming. But now, when I gave up on quitting and failed my exams, I actually feel good. I had no interest in studying or going out last year, but now I enjoy learning and I go out every day. I want to study subjects I failed this year, because exams turned out to be interesting and I wish to prepare much better for them. I accepted myself as a failure, so I started enjoying life instead of forcing myself doing something I don’t want to do. I have sooo many plans of what I’m gonna study and what projects I want to do. Today, before playing, I’ve built my first custom mechanical keyboard. I had a crappy cheap board from AliExpress with shitty switches, so I tear it down, cleaned and installed filmed Cherry MX Blacks. Not the most fancy switch, but awesome for the first build. So now my keyboard feels and sounds amazing, and I haven’t lubed the switches yet. So I was busy with that all day and had time to play only in the evening. I would even consider this as healthy gaming. So now I think I’ll use this forum to journal my observations of my gaming. I’m really interested in what will happen with this. I’m not planning to apply any restrictions on playing, I want to see how it goes. Most likely I’ll gradually lose control and will get back to binge gaming, but I feel like my relationship with gaming is not as it used to be. Another reason why I wanna do this is because I disagree with the idea of quitting cold turkey. The most popular opinion on this forum is that you have to stop gaming once and for all and do something else instead. I think it’s bullshit. When people have problems with excessive gaming, that just means that something else is wrong. So in order to stop gaming, you have to deal with your real problems first. When you just stop gaming, nothing fills the gap where gaming used to be, you feel empty, depressed, unmotivated. And when you’re being told to “do something else”. I think the right way is to solve your issues, find something you enjoy doing and then gaming will disappear by itself. When I was studying for exams, I was constantly so busy, that I had no time to even thing about playing. But when I have nothing to do, time without gaming feels like a torture. I’ve read a lot of journals here and I don’t recall anyone who wasn’t struggling with something after quitting. Because I feel like people think that quitting cold turkey will instantly make all problems disappear. I want to see if it’s possible for me to get my shit together without quitting or making any restrictions on gaming. Instead of focusing on quitting gaming, I’ll focus on achieving my goals. Tomorrow I’ll be busy all day so most likely I won’t play.
  6. @Pochatok Thank you for your kind words. I'll check that comic when I'll have free from gaming time. Well, really then only reason I was able to be free from gaming for 50 days straight (yeah, I had no time to play next 2 days from my last post, 'cause I was way too busy by doing other things outdoors) is because I made myself a goal not to play until I pass all exams. When I'm binge gaming for months non stop, the pleasure from gaming vanishes, but when I do something productive and then play, it feels awesome. So in order to experience biggest gaming orgasm in my life, I decided to study as hard as I can for 2 months and then play without stopping. My point is, the only reason I was able to make some progress in the studying field is my passion for gaming. If you're interested, you can check my temporary account which I've created for the time I was studying. It's @No one. Today I finally was able to play. And.. meh, idk. Kinda cool but not even close to what I expected. I think I played for about 3 or 4 hours and honestly I don't wanna play anymore lol. I'll play tomorrow to have a better understanding of what's happening. But it seems like I can't binge play anymore. Oh, and btw, most likely I'll be in the army next summer so I don't think we can meet then.
  7. Thanks everyone for your support, I was reading everything and it made me feel better. Currently I’m 48 days off any games and today I finished my last exam. I’ve never studied so hard in my life. I was going to the gym 3 days a week for 3 months and working out at home on off days. My exam scores are gonna be mediocre at best, but I’ve learnt a lot in the process. My time management got way better, social skills, physical health, sleep schedule. I was so busy all the time, that I had no cravings. I even had all games installed (Overwatch too). I pushed my limits and got a better version of myself. But I don’t think that I’ll be able to go to university with my scores, so I’m obligated to go to the army. I have free time until October, then I’ll be gone for a year. It’s guaranteed 1 year detox lol. Tomorrow I’ll relapse. I’ve brought my 144 Hz gaming monitor back, borrowed good GPU from a friend and tomorrow I’ll game the shit out of it. It’s gonna be day and night binge gaming. I only need to setup all my monitors and modify my mechanical keyboard. The thing that I wanted to say: it’s too late for me, all you have to do is forget about me. No matter how hard I try, I cannot stop being a failure I meant to be.
  8. You know what? I have an idea how to stop procrastination. Fuck all my educational plans, I don't fucking care about it anymore. Past 2 years the only question people were asking me is my plans on university. I was thinking about final exams for years. Fuck all of that, I won't go to university or prepare for those shitty exams. I don't give a single flying fuck anymore. I'll finish school and do whatever the fuck I want. I'm so sick of doing things I hate, I procrastinate so much because I always have to do some retarded shit that I couldn't care less about. I'm gonna do Linux related stuff and programming projects. The only thought of school exams and university makes me fucking sick.
  9. @Amphibian220 @Zeno @Theresa @WorkInProgress @TheNewMe2.0 I’m sorry, but I gave up. Can’t do this anymore. Every time I’m just hurting myself more and more. I have no reasons to live, the only thing that gives me pleasure is Overwatch. My existence is a mistake.
  10. Now I know, I don’t want to play Overwatch.. I need. Goodbye.
  11. Day 13. No urges. Today I studied some math. After that I wrote a chat bot for Telegram. I'll attach a screenshot of it's functionality. I know, it might look very hard and you may wonder how I was able to develop a software on such level of complexity. Well, not gonna lie, it was a tricky task. I've spent a lot of time figuring out how to approach this. But I'm very smart and talented, so I managed to find a solution. I'm very proud of my work, now people can figure out their age on the go by simply sending one number. In such moments I am so happy that I decided to be a programmer and I'm realizing that hard work really pays off. I wish that one day you guys would be as smart and successful as me.
  12. Day 12. No urges. I’m tired and I wrote everything I wanted to say in the post above, so this one’s gonna be short. I woke up, studied Russian for 3 hours, went to the gym, had a great workout as usual. In the evening I went to the shopping center and bought myself some clothes, because my old clothes are way too small (I guess I grew up in 3 years). Ended up chatting with friends over Discord till 3 AM (just chatting, none of us was gaming).
  13. I tried many kinds of strong alcohol, smoking cigarettes, hookah, weed and some other shit. Nothing sticks. I haven’t drank any alcohol since December 31st 2020. And I don’t want to. I’m so addicted to Overwatch that other addictions can’t get to me. Whenever I try something like that, it turns to be boring. If I would chose between unlimited source of all drugs in the world and 1 day playing Overwatch on decent hardware, I wouldn’t even consider first option. My OW addiction is just something else. I can play Overwatch anytime, even if I’m very tired and exhausted, when I haven’t slept for 2 days and so on. When I’m in Overwatch, I don’t feel any need to sleep and eat, I was always so thrilled while playing, that if I’d finish at 5 or 6 in the morning, I could only fall asleep at 8 or later. So Overwatch had the same effect as adrenaline shot. So if I had to wake up early (before noon), I was usually playing 3 or so matches of Overwatch in order to wake up. But I also have inability to stop, so usually I played as much as possible. Even after deleting OW, I decided to try the same practice with other online games. And guess what, it took me 5 minutes to quit CS:GO from boredom. Today I woke up very early and was sooo sleepy, so I had an idea to play Battlefield after one hour of studying. But when the time came, I didn’t even want to start, the whole idea of playing that game seemed like a chore without even tiny bit of interest. I had several attempts to play something, but in all cases I ended up PROCRASTINATING ON GAMING. Other games are so unpleasant that even when I plan to play them, at the end I’m sticking with something else. I think that Overwatch addiction severed all other ways of enjoyment.
  14. Day 11. I have urges, but I won’t relapse anytime soon for sure. Today was a good day. I’ve made a better GitHub repository structure for my Python educational projects. Studied some Russian language. Then I had a walk in a center of Moscow. After that I went to a minimal techno rave and it was awesome. FullSizeRender.mov
  15. @Pochatok I get what you’re talking about. And I take that stuff pretty seriously. First of all, I’m exercising with personal trainer 3 days a weak. Past year I was exercising with body weight only (it was inconsistent), so I have no experience with weights, thus in order to develop a good technique and not hurt myself, I decided to take a trainer for a few months at least. And what I’m doing with a trainer is not only lifting weights, we’re doing some body weight exercises as well. He’s very experienced, I’m sure he knows how to approach this. Plus I’m planning to start independent body weight only routine (15-20 minutes a day as well). And yeah, nutrition is very important. Although I look like shit at the moment, people at the gym are always very kind, so I only feel proud that I’m one of them and trying to get better.