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I failed my exam today that I studied for months and waited 2 months for the grade. A passing score would have seen me become a project manager and receive a substantial raise.  I'm disappointed.

Today was decent. I woke up late again and made breakfast, went for a 2 hour walk, made food, watched TV, had therapy, had my online date, and then sculpted in Blender for about 2 hours. So far t

Today I'm 104 weeks or also 2 years on my journey free from gaming. I can't believe it's been this long. I feel like a different person and don't really have the words to describe how much this means

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I'm going to make a new commitment to myself starting tonight:

I'm going to push myself to do more exercise and mentally stimulating hobbies.

Why am I doing this? I'm doing this because I was reading an article posted by an athlete talking about how she gained energy over time after exercising more frequently. The body produces more chemicals in order to constantly feed the energy requirements for exercise and mental stimulation. 

I remember this from when I exercised 4 days per week. I had much better focus at work, more energy, and just more initiative and drive to do something.

I'm doing this because I am in quite the rut. I've got no energy at all. I sleep, wake up, and want to go back to sleep. I slept so poorly two nights ago after a very traumatic argument with both of my parents. I spent all of today sleeping. I slept for 10 hours last night, then I slept for 2 hours at lunch, then I left work early to sleep for another 3 hours. 

I realize I'm tired because of how much energy I conjured in order to defend myself and logically discuss my emotions with my parents and set more solid boundaries. That took a lot out of me. But I have nothing inside of me anyways. Even before these arguments I've just been so tired. That one day I exercised made me feel so much better. 

Living at home and not being around anyone makes this more difficult. It's so hard to motivate yourself after some time. I miss seeing others. I miss connection. I miss love.

I have a date tomorrow night with a woman I've been talking to for 4 weeks now. I'm very excited. She's a complete angel and sweetheart. I am so lucky. We will see how it goes and I'm hoping for the best. My friend introduced us and it's been like two magnets stuck together ever since. I've never met anyone with as much in common as me or the same personality. It's utter magic. I'm so grateful I can't put it into words. I'm going to hug her tomorrow and let her know how happy I am.

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Wishing you to get well.

I think reviewing the progress on your goal makes you perceive that goal a lot more as something real and track where you are. I do this by adding reps to various workout routines, reading books and articles about fitness.

if i’ve got doubts as to whether a workout will work and my plan is too ambiguous, I will not follow through on it.

About motivation when living alone. In my teens my coach wanted me to become a professional boxer. The training discipline that he instilled stayed with me even after i stopped training as a boxer. For example, I’d go to the sea each morning and swim for half an hour. The thing that pushed me to do it was the expectation that all this training would come in handy at a time in future.

So right now there is a lull in the action for you, but you should use it to get yourself ready for a major fight.

Edited by Amphibian220
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Quick update. I keep having violent dreams and doing things I regret. I can't sleep at all and keep waking up. The anxiety is crushing me. I just have major fear. 

I keep thinking of people I never talk to anymore and not being able to contact my parents ever again. I keep having to repeat high school and I keep forgetting my locker combination. My parents attack me and I have to defend myself and then regret my actions. I had one part of the dream where another bird was attacking my bird so I crushed it and it felt bad and asked me why I hurt it. I felt terrible. I was defending my bird who loves me.

At this point I'm just afraid of sleeping. I need a hug and companionship and family at this point. The virus is really making me feel alone. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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5 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

Wishing you to get well.

I think reviewing the progress on your goal makes you perceive that goal a lot more as something real and track where you are. I do this by adding reps to various workout routines, reading books and articles about fitness.

if i’ve got doubts as to whether a workout will work and my plan is too ambiguous, I will not follow through on it.

About motivation when living alone. In my teens my coach wanted me to become a professional boxer. The training discipline that he instilled stayed with me even after i stopped training as a boxer. For example, I’d go to the sea each morning and swim for half an hour. The thing that pushed me to do it was the expectation that all this training would come in handy at a time in future.

So right now there is a lull in the action for you, but you should use it to get yourself ready for a major fight.

I'll reply more later. 

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17 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Quick update. I keep having violent dreams and doing things I regret. I can't sleep at all and keep waking up. The anxiety is crushing me. I just have major fear. 

I keep thinking of people I never talk to anymore and not being able to contact my parents ever again. I keep having to repeat high school and I keep forgetting my locker combination. My parents attack me and I have to defend myself and then regret my actions. I had one part of the dream where another bird was attacking my bird so I crushed it and it felt bad and asked me why I hurt it. I felt terrible. I was defending my bird who loves me.

At this point I'm just afraid of sleeping. I need a hug and companionship and family at this point. The virus is really making me feel alone. 

Man, everyone's really feeling it right now aren't they? Fuck the winter, and fuck all the other bullshit going on. 

We are here for you and want you to get better. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this right now. It sucks being on an emotional roller coaster like that. 

It sounds like you're working from home, so do yourself a favor tomorrow and get some time out of your house while it's sunny out to do absolutely anything. Walk, workout at the gym, buy something, whatever. Just appreciate being outside and leave all the negative thoughts in your apartment. Nature doesn't give a damn about your parents, or about your past regrets, and neither does time. It just is. While you're out, let that have time for you to just focus on whatever it is you chose to do, but tell your negative thoughts they need to take a break for an hour, and that you can wrestle with them when you get back to your apartment, if you want. It's your brain and you can choose to think about what you want, when you want, if that makes any sense. It's a hard skill but it's possible. 

Good luck bro, you will get through this. Fuck the haters.

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Today I'm 118 weeks free from gaming and 120 weeks free from social media. This week was highly unproductive at work because of the emotional issues I experienced. My therapist said I have PTSD. I get embarrassed to say that because I often reserve that condition for soldiers or victims of extreme abuse etc. I put that much respect into the mental illness that I don't feel I deserve to be associated with it because I know there are others who have hurt more than I have and they deserve more help. I also feel a lot of narcissists blurt out that they have PTSD or OCD like it's a common cold or a headache. They don't actually have those conditions. They don't struggle with it every day. They sicken me. But everyone knows they're full of it. People with those conditions don't brag about them. They'd give anything to not have those conditions anymore and just want to live life without them.

My coworkers supported me while I was away for a few days and I feel a lot better. I also had a very productive conversation with my parents and set strong boundaries with them. I want them to be actual parents and not friends. I don't think it's good to just be friends with your kids. There needs to be a degree of separation no matter the age or it causes hierarchy differential issues and developmental issues.

I also have a second date tonight with this wonderful woman I've been talking to for about a month. I'm excited. She has really been a positive influence over these past few weeks and I'm enjoying getting to know her.

Today my goals are to study for an hour, relax for a bit, clean, and stay true to myself. This week my goals are to continue doing 2 days of exercise per week and 2 days of studying per week.

 

On 1/29/2021 at 12:38 AM, DaBest said:

We are here for you and want you to get better. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this right now. It sucks being on an emotional roller coaster like that. 

Thanks for the support. I didn't get a chance to reply but I think I've been learning new ways to manage it. I didn't relapse with games, I didn't even watch porn. I ate a little junk food but really all I did was relax, communicate with those I trusted, and work on some art projects. I'm happy.

On 1/28/2021 at 2:10 AM, Amphibian220 said:

So right now there is a lull in the action for you, but you should use it to get yourself ready for a major fight.

That's my mindset now. I'm going to use this lull as a chance for me to study for that exam (major fight) without any external factors hitting me. I think it's the right decision.

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Hey, glad to hear you are in a better place right now. I can understand how you might feel embarrassed and unworthy of a PTSD diagnosis, but that doesn't just apply to soldiers. It varies and can apply to any significant trauma, at least to the perception of the person experiencing it. Your brain isn't evolutionarily different from a soldier's brain. Abuse survivors routinely experience PTSD.  I haven't been diagnosed with PTSD, but there's some aspects from that that I feel like I--or really anyone--could identify with. Oftentimes, I can experience some kind of a varying stimulus that puts me square back in my 8-year-old self's shoes, and it's weird because if you asked me an age for that shift, it's 8 and not any other age. That was also the same time where my world came crashing down in various ways. I don't think that's coincidence. Full-blown PTSD? Maybe not, but using the understanding of the multiple ways that the brain processes trauma is helpful in dealing with those feelings, at least when I notice it.

The beauty of this is that you now know the nature of your enemy a little better, and that puts you in a much better position to fight it. I'm glad you and your therapist have been making progress.

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I have a new plan for my days:

Wake up at 7, exercise, breakfast, work from 8 to 12, study from 12 to 1, work from 1-5 and eat lunch, then take a shower and eat dinner, then relax.

I'm doing this because I can't fucking study after work. I hate it. I'm so tired. Oh my god, fuck off. Stop. I can't take it. It's so boring.

That's all.

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I think it's funny how when I have bad dreams they always center around my parents angering me. 

Everything else is fine and I'll give a good summary in my post tomorrow. I'm just writing to say I had 2 bad dreams last night. One focused around my dad trying to kill me and capture me while the other was my mom trying to piss me off at her house and I was stuck there again. 

I haven't been arguing with either of them but I did feel anxious on the phone withthem this week for some reason. 

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Today I'm 119 weeks free from gaming and 121 weeks free from social media. I found that the past few weeks of work have been difficult for me to get motivated for. I've stuck to my schedule for waking up early and working out. I feel so excellent after lifting and stretching. My body feels great every time. The issue is I get so demotivated once I sit at my computer desk for work. I'm just not interested in my current projects at all and they're just sitting in my face. I instantly start to get tired and want to sleep. I also feel anxiety because I'm afraid my boss will ask me for the status.

I need time away from the redundancy of my job I think. I want to be more creative. I have a hard time studying for my exam just because of my lack of love for the job in general. I appreciate my job and enjoy it. I just don't always love it. I don't think anyone does. There are lulls and exhaustion and sometimes you need a break. I don't want to work this weekend. I need a breather.

I'm just going to admit I wasn't working my best and move on. I don't want to squeeze in hours this weekend to make last week work and then be tired this weekend. I did that a lot last year and it was worthless and detrimental to my health. 

I'm spending this weekend with that girl and I plan on asking her to be my girlfriend next weekend 🙂 I am so excited. 

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I've reached new levels of boredom and unfulfillment at work and it's crushing my motivation. Little projects pile up, studying has to occur, no time for fun outside of work. I'm just grateful for my new relationship. It's the one bright spot right now that I've got going.

I'm just struggling to find motivation for my projects. Even when I exercise before and after work or watch my shows or do a hobby it does nothing to quell my boredom. I'm not really sure what to do. I guess we all go through these phases.

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On 2/10/2021 at 10:05 AM, TheNewMe2.0 said:

Grats on your new relationship. How did that come about? Work can be heck sometimes, it's a struggle for me too.

Thank you. Boardgame night and just asked to talk again. Just do hobbies and you'll meet someone. Fuck apps. 

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On 2/9/2021 at 11:45 PM, BooksandTrees said:

I've reached new levels of boredom and unfulfillment at work and it's crushing my motivation. Little projects pile up, studying has to occur, no time for fun outside of work. I'm just grateful for my new relationship. It's the one bright spot right now that I've got going.

I'm just struggling to find motivation for my projects. Even when I exercise before and after work or watch my shows or do a hobby it does nothing to quell my boredom. I'm not really sure what to do. I guess we all go through these phases.

Do you mean to say that you have discovered a sustained method of performing your work without feeling tested or challenged? Or is it a different kind of boredom, where the work is hard and challenging, but you aren’t getting enough in the way of new experiences?

I wish you to reformat your habit. What about your journey into health related activities? Have you read books on that? Do you want to be more fit than you are? Or are you already well developed physically?

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10 minutes ago, Amphibian220 said:

Do you mean to say that you have discovered a sustained method of performing your work without feeling tested or challenged? Or is it a different kind of boredom, where the work is hard and challenging, but you aren’t getting enough in the way of new experiences?

I wish you to reformat your habit. What about your journey into health related activities? Have you read books on that? Do you want to be more fit than you are? Or are you already well developed physically?

That's a better way to put it. Thanks. Maybe that's a better mindset. 

I want to be more fit and I'm on my way to that now. I enjoy that a lot. 

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On 2/9/2021 at 1:45 PM, BooksandTrees said:

I've reached new levels of boredom and unfulfillment at work and it's crushing my motivation. Little projects pile up, studying has to occur, no time for fun outside of work. I'm just grateful for my new relationship. It's the one bright spot right now that I've got going.

I'm just struggling to find motivation for my projects. Even when I exercise before and after work or watch my shows or do a hobby it does nothing to quell my boredom. I'm not really sure what to do. I guess we all go through these phases.

It is interesting that you do not game even with the disappointment and boredom you, sometimes, get in life! 

Boredom and gaming are strongly correlated in my case; not sure how to deal with it.  

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This past weekend I reached 120 weeks without gaming. I officially became a boyfriend on Valentine's Day. This is one of the happiest moments of my life and I'm so proud. I'm very proud of the woman I'm in a relationship and also proud of myself for staying true to myself and not settling for someone out of desperation or loneliness. We're such a good match for each other and I'm just eternally grateful. I can't put it into words.

I've also gotten out of my work rut and become much more productive this week. I feel very good about this. I'd like to study a bit. I might study tonight actually. I'm a little bored tonight and don't have to work late because of my productivity. I just don't really want to lol. But I have to and it is good for me.

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17 minutes ago, Jason70 said:

Congratulations on the girlfriend! I hope you two have fun together! Also what a coincidence that you got together on Valentines Day! 
 

Best

Jason

Thank you! I planned the whole thing for it to happen on valentine's day 🙂

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How is your exercise routine going?Are you doing stretching and running and how many times per week?

I’m in quite a dilemma. My results for the year are unsatisfactory, I’ve now read some articles that talk about pitfalls in overtraining or the wrong techniques that cause you to waste effort. I just need to monitor my technique, but filming myself takes more time. 

so I want to start swimming and doing targeted back exercise with a coach, just need to allocate funds for that.

 

Edited by Amphibian220
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On 2/16/2021 at 6:18 PM, BooksandTrees said:

This past weekend I reached 120 weeks without gaming. I officially became a boyfriend on Valentine's Day. This is one of the happiest moments of my life and I'm so proud. I'm very proud of the woman I'm in a relationship and also proud of myself for staying true to myself and not settling for someone out of desperation or loneliness. We're such a good match for each other and I'm just eternally grateful. I can't put it into words.

I've also gotten out of my work rut and become much more productive this week. I feel very good about this. I'd like to study a bit. I might study tonight actually. I'm a little bored tonight and don't have to work late because of my productivity. I just don't really want to lol. But I have to and it is good for me.

I am very happy for you 🙂

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