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BooksandTrees

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On 10/16/2019 at 2:10 PM, BooksandTrees said:

Some of my friends just want to bounce around different restaurants to talk so they can drink beer and coffee. I think I'm just gonna brew coffee and have them bring beer if they want a beer. Life doesn't need to be this expensive.

Nope! Restaurants and bars were the biggest money drainers for me before I finally got my own apartment. Contact to friend circle moved and it just me and my quiet game addiction for awhile. Anyhow point being that was still a time where I saved a lot of money but imagine if I did that while investing in things that matter instead of beer and video games. Like no reason to feed someone elses addiction =) 

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On 10/16/2019 at 9:10 PM, BooksandTrees said:

"I can't believe you had me split a meal!" Heard this from two women I dated this year. So I haven't been able to really win.

I think you won just by getting such a reaction out of them. Imagine splitting your finances with someone with a behavior like this! My grandma always split or paid her share when she was out and that was back in the 50s/60s. Women had to go to work in the Eastern Bloc during that time.

I think the general guideline is that the place for the first date should be public, but you can achieve that by meeting in a park with a few benches and some nice view, while grabbing coffee. It's certainly a better option, if you are worried about bleeding too much money. Besides, you are kind of "stuck" with each other's full attention, not distracted by food, noise or anything else.

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Today I'm 1 year free from video games. 52 weeks. I'm not stopping here. I'm also 54 weeks free from social media. I'm not stopping here either.

I wanted to write and reflect on my brief journey quitting video games. You can all read my introduction as to why I quit gaming. It's linked in my first post on this thread. I don't need to re-type it.

I want to thank @Cam Adair for creating this website. I was so hesitant to sign up and commit to quitting video games because it was all I knew in life. Nothing made me happier or filled me with purpose like gaming. All my friends were gamers and my whole world was on the computer. I never left the house, never dated, never developed myself into much aside from college and getting a job. I always just looked forward to being home and playing games and not living my life. At first I was ashamed of that, but shame is a word you learn to say as little as possible when you're in therapy and trying to improve your life. Shame and regret are two of the biggest negative emotions you can feel and they often attribute to relapse and emotional spirals into deeper depression and anxiety. Quitting video games would force me to confront these emotions, develop strategies to deal with them, and studying myself to be truly introspective.

I want to thank @Phoenixking for being my oldest and often times my most supportive friend in this community. You've been there in some of my worst and best moments and offered your opinion to me. I value your words and appreciate the kindness. I also want to thank @Vera@Mouxine, @Ikar, @Silverlining, and @goodvibes for always talking to me and listening to me. I have appreciated your openness on the forums and discord (I don't really use discord anymore). It is nice to have a community who is there for me and also allows me to be there for them. I enjoy listening to your stories and getting to know you. I always want to see you succeed. 

There are other members of the community who have commented off and on to keep me going. I just wanted to highlight the ones who have consistently been there for me and really pulled me up when I fell down along the way.

Quitting games is something special for me. After you read my Introduction Post and learn about my childhood, comeback story, dealing with abuse, and then follow along my insane year you'll know how much this means to me. Gaming was my crutch. It was my place to hide. It was my place to live when I couldn't live and felt trapped. It was the outlet for all of my frustration and the source of my power. For me to turn away from gaming after it brought me this far has been so difficult. 

I just refuse to be controlled and dependent on something that isn't me. When people, companies, and societies failed me and left me alone I couldn't take it anymore. I got so angry with the routine of being depressed, anxious, angry, filled with hate, and sad only to retreat to my bedroom and play on the computer. I'd play games with other miserable people. I'd throw myself into the toxic communities of gaming. I was so tired of people picking fights with me in random games because they thought it was funny.

I was tired of trying to do amazing things in games and not have it matter to me. I was the best player in EA Sports NHL for 4 years, ran 2 clans on RuneScape for 11 years, and I was the best Grifball Player in Halo Reach for 2 years. I was on an elite team for Halo Swat mode on xbox live and was about to make a push to study and dedicate my time to trying to become a pro Overwatch player. None of it mattered.

Nobody cares when you're that good at a game. They want you on your team, they want your attention so they can get attention from others that they're playing with you, they pretend to be your friends and abandon you the minute you're not the best. Being the best in the world meant nothing to me. I got nothing out of it emotionally. I reached my plateau in gaming when my college friends were meeting women, getting married, having kids, and traveling the world on vacation. I was alone with fake friends. Even my friends from college who played video games were fake friends. They just want to have me over, play Super Smash, beat me in it, get angry at me if they lose because they are judging me and want to put me down, and then drink beer after.

I detached myself from this. I was tired of playing games for 18-24 hours straight from Friday afternoon to Saturday afternoon and then 16 hours on Sundays. I was tired of going home after work and playing for 6 hours and not sleeping. I was tired of feeling numb afterwards and turning to porn to feel a little more alive. I was tired of not eating 3 meals each day. I was tired of having physical and mental withdrawals from not getting instant gratification. I was tired of being lonely and knowing my friends were pathetic. I was tired of how lazy video game players are. They don't clean, they don't cook, they don't socialize in real life, they don't pursue hobbies, and they don't care about you. Some do, but most don't. I don't care if you're one of the few who do care. I've been gaming for 20+ years and know enough to be satisfied with my statement above.

I want love. I want to love life. I want to wake up and know in my heart that nothing is pulling me to play games. Addiction has this invisible force in our brains which gives you anxiety if you're not playing games. You feel like you can't stand the quiet of being alone. You can't stand the fact that you're going to have to deal with your thoughts and your pain without drowning it out and forgetting.

I grew tired of the cravings. I went into my own detox out of anger. I was tired of failing. I was tired of not being confident enough to make friends and find more well rounded hobbies. Never again was I going to lay in bed at 7 AM trying to fall asleep after playing games for almost a day straight. Malnourished from not eating food or drinking enough water. Physically confused and mentally exhausted due to too much focusing on games and dopamine rushes and depleted serotonin levels. I was tired of crying myself to sleep in the morning when others were waking up about to start their days. I was tired of letting myself down and harboring thoughts of myself being a failure.

Shame, regret, and failure. It's so easy to blame yourself and hate yourself. I learned a long time ago that I loved myself. In my Introduction Story I highlighted the moment where I almost commit suicide, but felt the strongest wave of love from my heart prevent me from doing it. I loved myself. I'll never forget that. When I was at my worst I was there to pick myself back up when I had nobody. This gave me confidence in trusting myself to get through addiction. When I have nobody I'll have myself. My spirit is stronger than anyone else's spirit because I believe it and proved it to myself. That's the attitude we need to quit gaming.

Quitting an addiction is tough. Most of the time you fight these demons alone. Communities like GameQuitters are important in giving people structure, community, and hope for when we absolutely need help.

If someone were to ask me how I have been able to quit video game addiction I would say a few things:

  1.  You need to recognize you have a problem. Are you hiding from your life and yourself? Are you playing so much each day that you neglect everyone around you and your life? Do you continue to play even though you don't want to play anymore? Do you suffer withdrawal when you're not playing? Is it all you can think about? Is it what you turn to in life for happiness, success, friendship, and purpose? Are you filled with in-explainable brain fog when you're not gaming and don't feel mentally clear? Then you have a problem.
  2. Stop playing cold turkey. Don't try to quit for 30-90 days and then go back to it. It won't work and you will fail. Eventually you will recede and go back into bad habits of gaming, escapism, and depression. I've seen so many people on this website, including myself, say with confidence that they are going to try gaming in moderation and they all fail. They all come back and say they failed. I failed. I quit gaming from April of 2018 until September 1st of 2018. It's in the first 3 pages of this diary. I did it and then just went back to old habits. By October I was playing 18 hours straight again and getting so angry. In the middle of October I had such an enraged moment where I just removed myself from gaming and realized I let myself down. I knew I had the power to quit gaming if I made it 4 months before this. I needed to keep going. I loved my life when I quit gaming and wanted the rest of my life to be even better.
  3. Understand why you are playing video games. If you consider your emotional/mental balance to be a building, then consider video games a support column holding up that building. If you remove the column the building will fall. You depend on gaming for happiness and emotional balance. That's not healthy. I played games because I wanted friends, needed to feel purpose in life, wanted something I could do that I was good at, and wanted a place to escape. To counter this, I found multiple hobbies that are only done in communities such as yoga, rock climbing, board game nights, recreational sport leagues, group hiking, book clubs, movie nights, cooking parties, boxing, you name it. Some stuck and some I hated. I now have tons of friends though and they all care about me more than the gamer friends. The hardest part of finding a new hobby is being bad at it. We all used to suck at video games at first, but eventually we became great. It sucks being bad again - especially if you were the best in the world at something else. Allow yourself to fail at a hobby and be bad. We refuse to because we are ashamed of ourselves in the first place. Behavioral therapy has taught me how to deal with embarrassment, shame, regret, and failure. I also took my job more seriously and became a lot better at it. I'm professionally recognized now.
  4. Don't rely on just willpower to quit. Willpower only gets you so far. If you don't study yourself and have introspection then you will fail at quitting an addiction. You have to do what I mentioned in step 3 in order to quit. You have to understand why you are addicted. I haven't craved video games in over 8 months because I replaced my sources of friendship, success, and happiness from gaming to other things. I no longer crave games and don't need to rely on willpower at all. I no longer crave anything.

I'm very proud of myself for quitting this far and continue to keep going. Gaming is evil in my eyes. I dislike most gamers. I dislike the gaming community, and I dislike game companies. I want my mind to be free for the rest of my life and I'll make sure it happens. 

Thank you everyone for being here along the way with me. If I can do it so can you. I'll even follow you along the way.

Matt

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Great post! I'm happy to share my perspective with you (and everyone else) regarding serious topics. It makes me think myself.

One nice thing I noticed was that you stopped editing your posts out completely after you wrote them in a fit of rage. Keep up the good work!

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9 minutes ago, Ikar said:

Great post! I'm happy to share my perspective with you (and everyone else) regarding serious topics. It makes me think myself.

One nice thing I noticed was that you stopped editing your posts out completely after you wrote them in a fit of rage. Keep up the good work!

Lol thank you! I share the same thing. I really had to overcome a major anger problem this year without gaming to hide it and it made me feel shame with how angry I was getting. This brought some perspective and I was able to change. I appreciate the help.

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Good to read the previous post, @BooksandTrees.  I wish you a great journey forwards.  🙂  

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Signature:   Hello, I am a casual gamer who still enjoys video games.  I do not have an addiction, but I did have to stop playing video games to reassess my life.  I'm happily creating a somewhat balanced lifestyle which will still include gaming on occasion.  But this time I'm focusing on my social needs outside of the realm of computer technology.  I hope this does not discourage people who are addicted.  We are all here to improve our own well-being, to challenge ourselves, and to live a life that we desire to have.  I am doing a 30-day withdrawal from video games and am keeping a journal on GQ too.  Much peace to you all, and blessings!  Love Cornish. 🙂 

Edited by CornishGameHen
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Wonderful and thoughtful post Books, thank you for sharing. Serious topics deserve to be seriously addressed especially on such grand occasions. Very happy for you, I can't wait for this game-free life of mine to blossom as much to where people around me will see the difference! If sometime you feel the discontent for all things gaming gets stuck in an undesired brain feedback loop, there is this relapse prevention acronym I learned from this other 12-stepper called HALTS "Never get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, or Serious."  Looking forward to share the difference with you and everyone as my own game-free life evolves.

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27 minutes ago, goodvibes said:

Wonderful and thoughtful post Books, thank you for sharing. Serious topics deserve to be seriously addressed especially on such grand occasions. Very happy for you, I can't wait for this game-free life of mine to blossom as much to where people around me will see the difference! If sometime you feel the discontent for all things gaming gets stuck in an undesired brain feedback loop, there is this relapse prevention acronym I learned from this other 12-stepper called HALTS "Never get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, or Serious."  Looking forward to share the difference with you and everyone as my own game-free life evolves.

Thank you. I've been very surprised by the level of support and attention I've received over the past year from our community. 

Lol didn't I tell you about "HALTED" on discord??? Hunger, anger, loneliness, tired, environmental effects (bad office situation or living situation, or you're feeling like you're gonna relapse so just leave the house or listen to a song to change your mental mindset), and dehydration that can cause mood swings. If we sink into a depression or anxiety issue and need to turn to gaming or porn then check those 6 boxes first.

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Hmm wow yeah I think you definitely did, I think we have had this entire halts/halted exchange before lol. Writing down next to Halts on cover of 12-step workbook with a credit to your name. Thank you for taking time to define that again it is a good one.

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2 minutes ago, goodvibes said:

Hmm wow yeah I think you definitely did, I think we have had this entire halts/halted exchange before lol. Writing down next to Halts on cover of 12-step workbook with a credit to your name. Thank you for taking time to define that again it is a good one.

Lol that's really funny. It works though! I can't wait to read the book when you write it.

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Motivating :) I should definitely get into book writing for how much I like to write. Though specifically I just wrote Halted on the cover to my copy of my 12-step workbook, I will forward you link to it though I did not write it but write in it working the steps.

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Yes!!!! Congrats on your 1 year! This is amazing and I am so proud of you!!!!

I resonate with so much of the advice in your post. Especially when you talk about gaming being a mental/emotional support column. Seeking gaming for friends, purpose and escape is what so many of us struggle with!!!
 

I also agree with the gaming in moderation. The couple of threads I read involved members who had a total relapse. 
 

Thank you for sharing your journal! And showing up for everyone in the community!

I hope you are having a beautiful day my friend!!!!!

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6 hours ago, Icandothis said:

Yes!!!! Congrats on your 1 year! This is amazing and I am so proud of you!!!!

I resonate with so much of the advice in your post. Especially when you talk about gaming being a mental/emotional support column. Seeking gaming for friends, purpose and escape is what so many of us struggle with!!!
 

I also agree with the gaming in moderation. The couple of threads I read involved members who had a total relapse. 
 

Thank you for sharing your journal! And showing up for everyone in the community!

I hope you are having a beautiful day my friend!!!!!

Thank you for the kind post! I appreciate you taking the time to read it. I really hope I'm able to help and feel glad when I do! I just figured it would be helpful to give some tips to people if they were curious and maybe it might help just one person. 

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Kind of annoyed tonight. I tried getting into a bunch of hobbies but didn't really want to commit to them. I cooked an awesome dinner and felt good about it. Watched some TV and relaxed. I'm tired and should go to bed. I think I'm just used to staying up later. I'm trying to re-correct my sleep schedule so this is natural. Kind of like a baby crying before bed. They want to stay up later and are just tired.

I tried reading a book and just got so angry. I really hate the main character of it. I decided to stop reading it. I read about 10 pages of it at a time and then ignore it for months at a time. It's not worth forcing myself to read this crap. I tried to draw and was too tired to think critically. I also tried to edit my website and take a class I bought for 3d modeling, or art, or something like that. I just wasn't in the mood.

I kind of just want to zone out and relax. Part of life is just listening to your body and mind. I had a very productive day at work and with dinner so I shouldn't be upset. I think this is a sign of growth for me. I would normally get very angry at myself out of frustration. But I'd rather fix my sleep schedule and calm down instead of trying to create something.

I'm excited about the projects I'm working on and about to work on at work. It's pretty nice having this motivation at work again. I've felt so invigorated over the past few months.

I'm gonna try quitting porn again. It has really made me sad watching it. I saw a video the other night and was just like "dude, what the fuck am I watching? This is so pathetic. Jesus Christ..." Closed the video and just stared at the floor. Like, I know I'm lonely, but some of the shit online is so depressing to watch. It wasn't even a fetish video or something disturbing. It was just some girl dancing slowly, trying to entice to viewer. She had this stupid outfit on and the music was trying to be fantastical, but it was just slow and had a way of making me feel so alone and empty inside. I was beginning to beat myself up for watching it, but that's not the right way to quit an addiction. Just gotta be mindful of how it makes you feel. I was tired of hurting my feelings with video games and I am tired of hurting myself with porn.

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I'm pretty lonely tonight. I went rock climbing with my friends and hung out with like 15 people for over 3 hours. Yet I'm finding myself more lonely. I think it's because I want to hang out with them outside of rock climbing. I want to have friends to text back and forth with. I want to hang out and chat. I want to have people over, have people want to come over, have people invite me over. 

Most of my friends want to do more formal things. We book a reservation for a restaurant once a month or so and then eat, catch up, and go home. It's nice seeing them - I get that. I just want more. My dad tells me to get a girlfriend because that will solve everything, but I don't want to date a woman so she can solve my problems. I've already discussed that it's unfair to just put all of my problems on a woman and hoping they get solved. 

I'm also annoyed that my work friends want to hang out a ton this week and I had other commitments. I never get to see them and I have doctor appointments, father's birthday party, and other commitments that get in the way. It just makes me feel more isolated. 

My solution is going to be simple. I'm not going to overreact and spiral into a depression. I know I have friends. I just want more out of the relationships. My goal is to just invite people over for a football or hockey game or a movie night. Even a board game night. I'll also just send some casual texts and see if a conversation develops and see if I can plan some get-togethers with people. 

I'm also going to go climbing more than once per week to try and build more friendships with these climbers. I really enjoy their company and if I climb with them more then I can get lunch/dinner with them and then exchange numbers and move on from there. I'm also going to go back to the gym. I want to get stronger for climbing and I want to meet more athletic women as well. I want to feel better about my body also.

I'm not bad at this. I just haven't done it in a while. Friendship takes effort and a lot of people don't make the effort. But if you keep making efforts eventually people will make efforts as well and you'll actually find friends. My friends just don't make efforts a lot of the time and are satisfied just hanging out once or twice.

I want text buddies, phone calls, weekly hangouts, that kind of stuff.

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7 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

My dad tells me to get a girlfriend because that will solve everything, but I don't want to date a woman so she can solve my problems. I've already discussed that it's unfair to just put all of my problems on a woman and hoping they get solved. 

This. This is so ridiculously mature and wise of you man, mad props.

 

7 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

My solution is going to be simple. I'm not going to overreact and spiral into a depression. I know I have friends. I just want more out of the relationships. My goal is to just invite people over for a football or hockey game or a movie night. Even a board game night. I'll also just send some casual texts and see if a conversation develops and see if I can plan some get-togethers with people. 

Great plan. Taking initiative after recognizing what your issue with the situation is. And being mindful of your expectations of the results. Major props. Dis is how we do, bud.

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9 hours ago, Icandothis said:

Feel the same way 😕

Sorry you feel the same way. I was going to sulk about it, but why should I feel bad about feeling bad? We're used to instant gratification from our online friends and it's harder to make real friends. 

I think we're trying hard and should be proud of it. I'm going to welcome the feeling of loneliness so I appreciate togetherness later on. I'm just glad I've found some communities and at least have the once a month or twice a month stuff right now. 

I hope you continue to do well. I saw you joined the yoga classes. That was the first community I joined. I'm friends with my instructors now and some classmates. 

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6 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

This. This is so ridiculously mature and wise of you man, mad props.

 

Great plan. Taking initiative after recognizing what your issue with the situation is. And being mindful of your expectations of the results. Major props. Dis is how we do, bud.

Thanks. I'm know I can handle these emotions so that's exactly what I'm gonna do. 

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I've been exploring these emotions of mine just so I can learn from them. I get less depressed when I just relax, stop worrying about these philosophical questions of friend and romantic relationships, and just enjoy the moment and tell my stories. The issue is I'm too smart to trick myself into doing that. I know at the end of the good time I'm going to be lonely. I don't want to keep playing ignorant to the loneliness.

Work was interesting today. We had a Halloween party and I got lots of attention from some of the really beautiful women at work again. Just the flirting, storytelling, etc. I'm always surrounded by tons of women trying to get my attention. 

Then nothing. 

None of them want to hang out with me after work. They say they want to do something and then never do it. I learned this last year. So because I've learned what the routine is, I get kind of upset about the whole thing. How fake it is. I appreciate getting the friendly flirts and conversation. It makes me feel nice and special. At the end of the day I'm just bothered by it because I wish I had a beautiful woman next to me right here. These women at work make me tell stories and they all just sit there laughing and talking to me. They love what I have to say. 

I just wish I had this at home. I wish I had my companion to go travel with and tell jokes, have adventures, listen to her, share our lives together, have sex, etc. That's the only reason I get upset about the whole thing. I'm jealous of the attention I'm getting because I'm appreciating it so much, but jealous that I can't have it when I really want it. I want to have plans with a woman at night and on the weekends. I want to coordinate fun trips, activities, drawing, watching hockey, cooking together, exercising, eating shit, yelling at squirrels, you name it together.

I don't want to suffocate each other either. I just wish I had that excitement of having that special someone and seeing that she's excited that I'm her special someone. I feel special at work and then at home I'm alone. 

I know I highlighted feeling alone a few times this week. I wanted to show my progress with thinking about it. That I'm not mad at these women or think they're fake. They're just enjoying my company and the Halloween party. It makes me feel confident that I can carry the conversation with over a dozen women at work and make them smile and laugh. I'm just disappointed in myself for not making a better effort outside of work to find a woman to keep doing this with. I'm trying more now, but it's not enough. I want to take better photos of myself, and continue to do what I mentioned in the previous posts regarding going out and doing my hobbies. I also want to be the one who coordinates hangouts with friends because I know my friends won't do it.

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Today I'm 53 weeks free of video games. It's been a tough week as I feel the full brunt of depression closing its hands around my mind. I'm a little worried. I woke up at 730 this morning after 9 hours of sleep and just felt no reason to wake up. I don't mean that in a suicidal way. I'm not suicidal. 

I just have nothing to do today. There's nothing fun I'm looking forward to doing again. I've had so many weekends this year where I'm either doing a chore or something for someone else to wake up. There's nothing I'm interested in doing so I just don't care. It makes me feel bad. 

Video games gave me a fake reason to wake up with excitement. I'd wake up, not hit snooze, get breakfast immediately, and just play for 16 hours straight all happy. 

I know that's an addiction but I'm struggling to find anything remotely similar. The hockey game is on tonight. That's 3 hours. I gotta get groceries and cook. That's 2 hours. I gotta pick up a suit or some crap. That's 30 minutes. 

Only the hockey game is fun there. There's no adventure there. No fun. I want to go on a weekend trip with a woman. I want to visit breweries, go fall hiking, discover cool restaurants, have sex, and plan the next adventure. 

Right now I'm just waking up after trying to sleep an extra 3 hours for no reason. Probably gonna watch porn and go grocery shopping lol.

Sweet!

I gotta find something soon. Rock climbing is fun but not something I can't live without. I just struggle with casual life. I feel like I need to be working towards something and having to be unhappy about it. I have those classes I bought for art and stuff, but I don't want to wake up and work. 

I need to get creative and have a fun reason to wake up and do something on the weekends. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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I feel you mate. This is a tough nut to crack - and why people then fall back into gaming as the easy option. I too go through some days where I wonder where am I going with my life because there feels like there is no enjoyment. From my experience, all I can say is you need to be more present in the moment. When I stop looking for something more, something to entertain me, and just take each moment or each environment for what it is, I feel a lot better. It's an easy thing to say but hard to really subscribe to, so will take some practice.

A really good example of where it works for me quite well, is when you're in a queue. I always see people on their phones as the people who are getting agitated for having to wait so long. But standing there, without a phone, just taking in the moment and their environment, are the people who are calm with waiting.

Rather than "trying to find something", you need to reframe what you are doing now. Yes of course have a hobby or two, but the thought of always having to find something enjoyable for you to recreate means that you will never be fulfilled with what you have.

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2 hours ago, giblets said:

I feel you mate. This is a tough nut to crack - and why people then fall back into gaming as the easy option. I too go through some days where I wonder where am I going with my life because there feels like there is no enjoyment. From my experience, all I can say is you need to be more present in the moment. When I stop looking for something more, something to entertain me, and just take each moment or each environment for what it is, I feel a lot better. It's an easy thing to say but hard to really subscribe to, so will take some practice.

A really good example of where it works for me quite well, is when you're in a queue. I always see people on their phones as the people who are getting agitated for having to wait so long. But standing there, without a phone, just taking in the moment and their environment, are the people who are calm with waiting.

Rather than "trying to find something", you need to reframe what you are doing now. Yes of course have a hobby or two, but the thought of always having to find something enjoyable for you to recreate means that you will never be fulfilled with what you have.

That's very true and I really try to apply this sometimes. I don't know if that's a partial negative where "I really try" and "sometimes", but at the moment it's factual in a way. I read a quote from one of my favorite hockey players the other night which said "When you have no motivation, turn to your discipline and routine for strength".

It's true. I made 3 meals today, went shopping and cleaned my apartment like every Saturday, kept good hygiene, and spoke to a friend or two. It got me in a better mood, out of my apartment, and performing tasks for myself. It got me through my depressing thoughts and I stopped thinking about wishing for a girlfriend, better hobbies, or better life. I was able to just enjoy the moment and stop being anxious. I had some tea, sat down, watched a comedy show, and took in the sights of my downtown from my apartment window. 

It's so hard to not go through life without ambitious/unattainable goal setting. I think video games got me in that thought process - specifically RuneScape. You start planning out how to get all the 99 stats, etc. It is so lofty. That's a 3 year goal for a gamer addict and a 1.5 year goal for a severe addict. Even a 5-7 year goal for a casual gamer. I feel like we all do that with hobbies. Sometimes it's just important to relax and enjoy the day and process. 

That's why I won't fall back into gaming. I know it just leads to more pain. Even if my day is painful, gaming would just lead to more pain because it would make me feel ashamed of myself on top of other pain. I'm thankful I don't crave games any longer, but I don't crave games because of my routines. When my motivation gets low, my routines save me.

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Just an update on today. I feel a lot better. I stuck with my routine and go through the day. I also created a small gym routine. I think going 5 days per week is going to be too ambitious for me so I'm going to just be more active during the week and also going to the gym 2-3 times per week.

My goals are simple with the gym:

  1. Get out of the house and into an environment where others are also exercising
  2. Relieve stress in a healthier way
  3. Potentially make some new acquaintances/friends in a social aspect
  4. Try to get more energy
  5. Try to lose some weight and gain muscle
  6. Try to aid my posture
  7. Try to gain some more self confidence outside of the workplace environment
  8. Get better sleep
  9. Be more patient with the gym and not expect crazy results or treat it like work. I just want it to be another part of my weekly routine

I also got a fitbit and the fitbit app on my phone so I'd like to keep that going. I set my daily step goal to 5,000. I think 10,000 is really ambitious for an office worker so that's not happening.

If anyone wants to join me feel free to let me know. I think progress can be made in numbers.

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