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DaBest

DaBest's Journey For Self-Discipline

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Thank you, @WorkInProgress and @Nancy S.! :)

And also, to WorkInProgress, woohoo process engineers! Props to you for wanting to move into the simulation side of things--that's really fascinating stuff that's a bit over my head, haha.

Day 109

Working this weekend was good. Went out twice during it, and was really dragging my butt around at work on Sunday. Totally worth it though, as I've denied myself all year in similar situations. Won't do that for a while though. 

I've been a bit more mindful of my goals recently as a result from the work I did Friday. As a result, I planned out one or two goals every day so that over the course of the week I will have improved towards each of those goals by some marginal amount by the end of the week. In addition, it prevents burnout since I spread it out and tailor it to my work schedule. I approve.

However, I still want to focus on meditating intensely on those goals and developing those emotions and rationales that stop me in my tracks from doing something dumb. Developing this "WHY?" in a more emotional manner has been more effective for me recently. 

Today's Goals:

1) Intensely meditate on my goals.

2) Laundry, general clean up

3) Go to library, and study a chapter.

4) Go to happy hour, solo. 

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I've been a bit more mindful of my goals recently as a result from the work I did Friday. As a result, I planned out one or two goals every day so that over the course of the week I will have improved towards each of those goals by some marginal amount by the end of the week. In addition, it prevents burnout since I spread it out and tailor it to my work schedule. I approve.

Love this.

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Day 110

Yesterday was one of the more productive days off I've had in a while. I accomplished all of my goals, with the caveat that I didn't go through a whole chapter of my studies since I went on a bit of a deep dive on the equations. Also, when I went to the bar, I didn't strike up any conversations with strangers--which is the ultimate goal--but I was able to listen in and just observe for a bit. Better than not going. 

Again, I am pretty darn sure that the reason for this change is the intense meditation I've been doing recently on my goals, and giving up other stuff. Especially with regards to meditating on my goals, I found myself at several points yesterday wanting to fall back into bad habits, but every time I wanted to, I chose an option that was at least somewhat better since I had the thought cross my mind of what I wanted to accomplish. 

Today's goals:

1) Intensely meditate on my goals (strengthen those neural pathways!)

2) Hike 

3) Gym

4) Study one chapter, or at a minimum, for one hour.

5) Finish laundry

6) Email friends about weekend plans.

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Day 110

Yesterday was one of the more productive days off I've had in a while. I accomplished all of my goals, with the caveat that I didn't go through a whole chapter of my studies since I went on a bit of a deep dive on the equations.

Been there. Done that. ;) Nice Job! 

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Productivity is a thing which really amazes me in others, keep it up! Also training communication skills doesn't come easily, but a huge gratz for you, for trying to change it. It seems like you're doing very well on your journey to better life, just keep going this way.

Greetings, Piotr.

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Thanks, @WorkInProgress and @Piotr!

Day 114

The cool thing about being into self-improvement and being a scientist is that I get to experiment. This week I found out a couple of things from my recent experiments, with regards to work days.

1) I get seriously drained by work, and I need to manage my energy and stress better. I find that the only thing that, as of right now, truly restores my energy is sleep. That said, my experimental naps when I come home are not good, I end up falling asleep on the couch and not doing my chores. FIX: Keep practicing discipline with, chores FIRST, in bed at 9. 

2) While the meditation worked for my off days, it did not work on work days. It's still not the essence of my being yet, which is exactly what I need it to be. I need more meditation. I didn't meditate during those days, so if I can find time to shoehorn it in, that'd be awesome. FIX: Keep training with meditation on off days, and meditate at lunch during work, and in my car BEFORE I come home. 

Anyways, off to hang out with friends tonight. Have a good one y'all.

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Day 115

After my post yesterday, was out with friends for the night. Nothing too interesting to report there.

Goals for today (after hygiene):

1) Finish organizing apartment, from yesterday.

2) Prepare for week.

3) Use laptop only for work purposes.

4) No football watching or news.

Have a good one.

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Day 128

Quick Post

I've been real busy the past two weeks. I'm trying to crush it at work. I'm trying to crush it everywhere else in my life. 

My discipline and internet discipline have yo-yoed the past few weeks. 

I'm working a lot at home too. Thinking about moving to save money, though I like where I live now, and a lot of the other places I looked at are further from work and/or a bit sketchy. 

In short, I've been running around like a madman and feel like I'm fighting a war against my old self to get better. I'm doing better, but the personal mental training I'm putting myself through has been real difficult. This might take a while, but the struggle is for the good.

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Day 137

Holy crap I've been busy. 

I've just started a new schedule for work, and on my off days I've been looking at securing new housing. I'm considering buying a home, so there's a lot of ground I need to catch up on quickly if I choose to do so.

I kept a decent amount of discipline during the work week--my apartment doesn't look nearly as bad as it usually does after a five day work stretch. I didn't accomplish as much as I wanted to once I got home though.

I've also done much better with focusing on my purpose compared to a few months ago and especially a year ago. It's still not where I want it, but as long as I'm improving I'm happy. As a result of this, my news and overall internet consumption has gone down a bit recently, though I stayed up a little late the other night to watch UFC 206. 

Today's goals:

1) Meditate on crushing it today, and my purpose. 

2) Clean house.

3) Answer emails.

4) Go to gym.

5) Pay bills

6) Figure out living situation for next year.

7) No news or Youtube today.

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Day 165

Gah, I've been so busy. Holiday travel and work, ay carumba.

Haven't really had too much time to sit and reflect on things. 

Year-over-year, my discipline is way better. My internet usage is down. My apartment is cleaner on average. My mood is better (thanks, job and money!). I was more social. I became slightly more focused on some purposes/goals.

However, in all of those areas, I'm still far behind where I want to be. And I feel like there's still something missing. Seemingly mundane tasks are hard and energy-sucking. With a little bit of effort, I can get these done way quicker and feel accomplished and move onto other things. Yet, when I'm home, I'm almost as lazy as I was when I was a kid. Something about my old habits still calls me. 

But as always, I'll get through it. 

Hope you all had a good holidays.

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Year-over-year, my discipline is way better. My internet usage is down. My apartment is cleaner on average. My mood is better (thanks, job and money!). I was more social. I became slightly more focused on some purposes/goals.

This is the key. Just keep progressing a little bit each day in these areas, and the others you want to improve, and over another year, two years, three years, you'll have made so much more progress than you could ever imagine.

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Day 0 (0 day streak)

Well, it's been a long, long time--and I'm back. 

Honestly, recently I've been in a bit of a funk, especially with regards to gaming, streams, and technology/the internet in general. 16+ hr gaming binges. I thought I was free and clear, but I guess I'm not.

Over the past two years, a lot has changed. I moved on from the last job offer I mentioned to a new job at the same company, which is essentially the dream job I was hoping for. I feel like my discipline took a step back in some areas of my life, and improved in others (it's actually a bit funny to read some of my last posts). My house is WAY cleaner on average now, but my mental health not so much of recent. I keep using the same self-destructive habits I had before, and I've turned inward over the past couple of months. 

Last week was difficult. With my new job comes a lot more responsibility, and I'm starting to realize that I've been acting as a man-child for quite some time. It's jarring and a wake-up call. In response, I went on a massive LoL/MTGA binge this weekend that didn't help my situation at all. This isn't the first since I've last stopped posting. Gaming, watching streams, and numbing myself on the internet is becoming too common of an occurrence. I think it's about time I do something about it.

I really liked journaling here last time as the community is positive and I felt that it provided accountability for my actions. My current goal is to be gaming and gaming-content free for ninety days. I could put a million other goals on this list too, but I'm just going to take this one thing at a time. I'll put my musings and whatever other stuff I'm dealing with here. 

Oh, and I'm glad to see what Cam has done with the site and how much effort he has poured into this. He's creating a lot of good in the world and for that I'm grateful!

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Day 1 (1 day streak)

Today, I kept true to my word--no gaming, no gaming content. I was at work and had class later at night, so there really wasn't much time for anything else.

I am very surprised though about the amount of rationalizations my mind is trying to institute for not doing anything related to gaming for ninety days. My brain needs to chill. These lies are often a trigger to go down the rabbit hole. It offers escape, easy dopamine, and a sense of progression, but I only feel truly good when I'm acting right and taking responsibility for my life. I hope that starting up a meditation habit will reduce this significantly. 

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Day 2 (2 day streak)

No gaming or anything gaming-related today. It's usually pretty easy when I stay away from home until 8-9 PM, which is something I've been doing more of recently to combat feelings of depression and loneliness when I get home.

I did have some urges today when I left work. I had some annoying and stressful things to deal with at the end of work today, and I wanted to turn inward and just be a kid even though I'm a grown man. I don't truly want to be a kid--I want to be an adult--but it's a sort of an old defense mechanism which is going to die hard. I need to stay vigilant throughout the work week that I'm taking care of myself appropriately and that I don't let negative situations pile up into unnecessary stress.

Anyway, I want to get some sleep to be ready for tomorrow. Adios.

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Day 3 (3 day streak) 

100% clean today. I saw some ads and recommended videos on YouTube for MTGA, but it wasn't a big temptation. I had a thought on my way home today, that because I'm writing about this in public again, there's social pressure to not fail and have to report it here, even though I've personally met no one on this forum. That's nice. 

I was at work today from 8 to 8, and even then I wasn't super distracted by my phone, which again was nice. Every day I'm starting to try and limit sources of cheap dopamine--a cold/cool shower, going no-news for a day, no music in the car, etc. Before, when I've tried some of this stuff, I would just feel like trash and then I'd crash and burn. I'm not going to just go 100% cold turkey, I'm just going to try and improve every day. Maybe that way I won't be overwhelmed, and I can have a longer track of acting correctly and having more respect for myself. 

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Hey man, I wanted to commend you on completing this in the past and progressing in real life in some major areas. You CAN do it again. You seem self aware in some great ways. Your post resonated with me from a few days ago because of work stress. I am an emergency responder. Work stress and family stress are excuses I have used in the past instead of learning and processing life differently. I have to choose to process things differently than when I was a child. Thanks for being honest because I was able to take courage from your sentiments. Fight on. 

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Hey, thanks @30_yrs_of_gaming. I really appreciate it. Although I got nothing on the stress you deal with! You're a damn hero. Everyday we will both grow a little bit further and leave that past behind. 

Day 4 (4 day streak) 

100% gaming and gaming-related stuff free today. No supreme urges or anything, although I did feel a bit bad about realizing I was going to tell a long distance friend we will not be playing MTGA ever again since I'm simply giving it up and that I'm not caving on this. I'm more important than games. 

I don't know why, but I'm feeling fucking confident as hell right now that I'm going to get my life sorted out. My mood has been swinging back and forth like a pendulum the past couple of weeks between meh and rock-bottom, but this is by far the most positive I've felt. It's almost unnerving to feel this hopeful--I'm not used to it. Maybe it's the Jordan Peterson lectures I've been listening to. I don't know. It's not like he's even talking about the most mind-blowing stuff either (aside from the really deep dives he goes into psychology/philosophy/theology). It's almost like he's a second dad to me, which no disrespect to my real father, but there was a lot of this stuff that just was not brought to my attention or inculcated in me.  Or maybe it's been this little streak I've had and living life relatively on the straight and narrow the past few days. No matter, I'm just going to keep things moving along. :)

 

 

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If you like Jordan Peterson, I'd recommend Jocko Willink. They are both helpful to me. They are so different, but also similar as far as an emphasis on true manhood. I think they compliment each other extremely well. 

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@30_yrs_of_gaming, well it should come to be no surprise that I found out about JP from his first interview on Jocko Podcast. They're both awesome.

Day 6 (6 day streak so far)

Morning post!

Yesterday I was 100% gaming and gaming content free. So far today it's been the same, but those recommended videos on YouTube were tempting.

Yesterday I did not get back until late(ish) as I went to see a comedy show with some former classmates of mine. It was sort of a last section decision and made for a much better Friday then the past couple of Friday's I've had, which included going home, going on YouTube/gaming, and going to sleep early. That said, even though both my classmates bounced directly after the show,  I was planning on going to a really cool bar solo afterwards, but then I wimped out. I got home around 10ish, fell asleep on the couch immediately, and slept for 12 hours. I might have been a little tired. 

A little bit more background on the bar thing. For the past year and a half or so, I've taken it upon myself to start going out solo. I would've never considered doing something like that before, but I realized I needed to start taking responsibility for my social life. This has led me to bars, clubs, and vacation solo in an attempt to build my social skills and social circle. And yes if you're wondering, I fit that stereotypical archetype of introvert, low self esteem,  not many friends, lifetime nerd, etc., etc., (less the Star Wars/Trek stuff, I was a sports nerd). I was doing pretty well with this early-to-mid last year, and was making marked improvement in my social skills and in how far I could push myself, but then a couple of negative experiences knocked me off my path, which is kind of silly since they really weren't all that terrible. 

Last night, I had the attitude that, hell or high water, I was going to go out despite the chance of a bar being packed. However, I put so much pressure on myself to perform that as I walked up to the bar, seeing how packed it was, I bailed. Ultimately, this logic is stupid as it assumes that a negative conversation or interaction is solely my fault. There's some benefits to that attitude as I think it will create better social skills in the long run, but on the flip side I've psyched myself out as a result many times. As I walked back to catch my train, and the anxiety subsided, I realized how silly all the logic I used was.

-"What are you possibly going to talk about with these people? What if you're not engaging?"

--Honestly, who gives a fuck? Just do it. 

-"What if someone doesn't want to talk to you?"

--Fuck that asshole. Move onto someone else. Making friends is a numbers game.

-And so on and so forth.

This will be a big thing for me to improve upon, and is crucial for me to spend more time away from home and my computer. I'm glad for last night's experience though, as it's a reminder of the tricks I play on myself. The more I confront it, the better I will get at dealing with it. 

So for today, current plans are to clean up the apartment a bit, go to an improv class, maybe come home, and then go out afterwards, even if it's just stepping foot in a bar for a little bit. Good.

Edited by DaBest
Wasn't done typing.
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