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DaBest's Journey For Self-Discipline


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Day 102

No VG - 102 day streak, No SAH - 31 day streak (1 day off, intentionally), NF - 8

Still quite tired, but I'm not falling asleep as I write this. This week has been nuts. I skipped my improv class and show for work this week. Things were bad. I am concerned I will have to miss my next improv class next week, meaning I'll fail the class automatically for too many misses. That will suck. 

I let too much negativity creep in this week. I must alter my impression of things and not let it affect me so much.

Finally, in terms of streaks this week, still good on the VG and NF. I did take an intentional day off at 30 days for sports, and honestly, I don't like the time sink that it was. It doesn't really matter to my long term goals and happiness, and I got only an escape from it. I saw some sports at a bar today too and I question my reaction to watching. I was too involved. I will go sixty days now to see how things go.

I'm a bit too tired to feel like writing more. Good night.


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Day 103

No VG - 103 day streak, No SAH - 0 day streak, NF - 0 day streak

Really abused the dopamine today. I was caved to stress and watching sports at the bar. Tomorrow is a new day. 

I'm absolutely exhausted to boot. I am going to bed.

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Day 105 technically

No VG - 105 day streak, No SAH - 1 day streak, NF - 2 day streak

Well, things got weird after my post on Friday. As I had just finished brushing my teeth and was going to go to bed at before 9 (yes, I was that tired), I got a call from my boss about some issue going on at work. I was on-call, and the most knowledgeable about the equipment, so figuring this out was up to me. It took about an hour of working through everything, and another 30 minutes or so to write a long-winded email with my response, to avoid a 6 AM meeting on-site, which was honestly unnecessary. Thinking I was  good, I went to bed around 11. 

I was wrong.

I wake up to a text before 7 about how my email was misinterpreted and how everything was stopped. In retrospect, my email could've been worded better. I explained the situation again, but once I had sorted through that, I was asked to go on site to supervise the start of the work. Well shoot.

After that I cleaned up a bit and took a nap, but that was about it for the day. I was abusing the internet all day long. I have a show tomorrow as long as I don't get called in, and it is stressing me out. I cannot keep running from my fears. Admittedly, I did that tonight when I didn't go out for xyz BS reasons, and the stress from tomorrow probably played a part in that. 

I cannot keep abusing myself and I also cannot keep up this low level of effort on the weekends. I've fallen off the path a bit. I can get back on it starting now. This week sucked but that's not much of an excuse.

Again, I'm going for thirty days no sports at home because I need the mental space to work on other things. Like fear. Tomorrow I have a good chance to be scared, and facing that will be beneficial. Good.

I'm all over the place with this post. That's fine--I feel better now.

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Day 105 still

No VG - 105 day streak, No SAH - 1 day streak, NF - 2 day streak

I woke up very nervous about the show today. Lots of negative self-talk. Presenting myself to the world brings on immense self-criticism before I even get the chance to step outside my comfort zone. At one point, I was able to catch this before I left, and I tried to change the goal to "just having fun" instead of "being perfect" or at a minimum "learning." 

I got there a bit early and relaxed. After a while a few of my...teammates?...groupmates?...partners?...arrived and we grabbed a table. My mind was distracted a bit when the other teams before us were performing, but as the team before us was winding down, all the thoughts started to come back. I felt like I was going to piss myself even though I had just gone, so I got up and went again before we were called. 

It actually went really well. We got a good amount of laughs, and though I wasn't paying too much attention while we were playing, I think we got more laughs than most of the other teams. I even got a couple too, though I had some moments where I lost track of things. Yay validation.

I was honestly just happy I faced a fear and came out better than expected. I would be willing to do this again in the future. However, afterwards I was tired since I stayed up until the early morning. 

The rest of the day wasn't that productive. A bummer for sure, though part of that was a three hour nap. I'm not going to beat myself up too much about today because I actually was truly courageous for a change. I'm going to let the good feelings ride for a bit longer.

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Thanks for the kind words @BrassWolf. It's a blessing and a curse. I just have to learn to harness it better.

Day 106 

No VG - 106 day streak, No SAH - 2 day, NF - 3 day streak

Today was straight back to the rush at work, and the stuff at home I neglected after the weekend. For that reason I will keep this post a bit short, or at least try to.

I also made some headway with the therapist today on something I'm not comfortable talking about here. It might make going out a little bit easier too. 

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Day 107

No VG - 107 day streak, No SAH - 3 day streak, NF - 4 day streak.

I got home at super late and I'm still emailing work. I did get to leave early though and go to my improv class. 

Nothing deep and profound today besides my legs hurt from running around so much. SO DEEP BRO.

I'm just tired and rambly. Good night.

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Day 108 

No VG - 108 day streak, No SAH - 4 day streak, NF - 0 day streak

The craziness at work is finally letting up a little bit. Today I felt like I had a bit of breathing room. I'm still drowning, but still. 

Tonight might be the first night I get to bed at a reasonable hour for the first time in a few days! I need to prioritize this to get back on track.

Again, I don't really have too much time to think about what's wrong with my life since I don't have much time to think period.

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Day 109

No VG - 109 day streak, No SAH - 5 day streak, NF - 1 day streak

Well, I got a full night's sleep last night. Let's write some words!

The past two weeks at work have been particularly trying. I've been swamped. We've been swamped. A lot has been asked of everyone. Today it got to me a little bit. It's just frustrating because every day feels like more ends up in the inbox than out. I feel like I make inadequate progress. It's immensely frustrating.

At the same time, I feel like that in my personal life. More in than out. I want to change the tide. I feel like I have to an extent, but not enough. I need to learn how to multiply my force and ability to work exponentially or I will be stuck feeling like this forever. 

What can I do for that? 

1) Focus on reading, meditation, and health first. I've gotten away from this. Knowledge is the only way I get out of this.

2) Maintain friendships. These are my rock. I'm unstable without it. 

3) Learn how to learn and perform at a top level, and not by passively listening to podcasts. Actually studying and making changes to my life. 

4) Get back my time. I throw away so much of my time to chores and dumb stuff that doesn't give me much value.

5) Get tougher.

Man, I feel torn in a million directions right now.

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Day 110

No VG - 110 day streak, No SAH - 6 day streak (did see some at a bar though...I won't make the same mistake though), NF - 2 day streak

Today went pretty well actually.

Started off with a sense of dread and lack of desire to go to work. I went anyway and had a good 1:1 with my boss. He seems to think I'm doing well. That makes one of us, but at least it means I won't get fired soon. We also talked about the overload I have right now and he seems to know what's going on, which is also a relief. He's a good boss. I'd be happy if I good be as good an engineer as he is.

Had to go into the city to review my MRI results. Not that bad, no surgery needed. In a way though, it is a bit of a bummer though since that means the problem isn't getting fixed, so no running for me. Maybe I can crush some PT somehow. I don't know. 

Afterwards, I spent a good amount of time texting and catching up with old friends who are away. I also went to a bar in the city I could never visit when I was poor in grad school--not as exciting as I'd hoped. A little too bougie. 

Afterwards, I walked my meal off for an hour to the venue where I had my show. Honestly, it was in a bit of a sketchy area. I got there super early and went into a run down bookstore. It was sad really. There were three people reading awkward slam poetry on an amp--which is weird because they were their own audience. 

The show was REALLY BAD. We bombed big time. In a way though, I appreciated the experience since we all survived and learned from it (I SHOULD DO THIS MORE IN REAL LIFE). We grabbed drinks after and I got to know them a little bit better. We all laughed it off, and I weirdly felt better about myself. Beforehand, I felt like  I was worthless, and if I bombed, that was affirmation of that, but instead I felt better after because I faced the fear. Now I should do this with women.

Speaking of! In the middle of my train ride home, I hit up Tinder, and I worked out a date tomorrow! Really changed my approach with this, and I felt much better and more congruent with my conversation. 

What a weird week.

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Day 111 

No VG - 111 day streak, No SAH - 7 day streak, NF - 3 day streak

I've been on fire the past 48 hours. 

Woke up this morning, had to help a bit with someone responding to something at work. That was ok. 

Had a date today in the afternoon. It went a bit longer than I expected, but we were both hungry so I ordered food. I was pretty at ease though I had the spotlight on myself when I was getting ready. I realized that this is for me to screen people, and I can say no too. It was empowering. I am looking for something more casual, and they want more of relationship. Seemed nice, but I didn't really feel too much that would make me want to change my direction.

Afterwards, since I was in the area, I decided to hit up an improv practice. The coach didn't show up, so a group of us got drinks and chilled. It was beautiful out, and it was at a cool but mellow rooftop bar. Really enjoyed myself. 

As we were about ready to leave, someone suggested we go to a local park and do improv. It was myself, and four people brand new to improv. And while I'm still really new and bad, I assumed a coaching role of sorts, and I actually learned some from doing so. It was kind of weird doing that in public, but that's good practice for getting through inhibitions. We got some stares, but it's all good. 

Now I have to make a decision about if I'm going out tonight. The thing I've been running from for months. I do have a show tomorrow morning too. All improv all the time, baby.

If I go for a bit, I can leave at 11:30. Get home by midnight, full night's sleep. All good. 

I'm not going to a club, but I'll go to a bar that seems like a club that's not too far away. 

My heart's pounding. I can't stop.

I have to go.

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Day 113

No VG - 113 days, No SAH - 9 days , NF - 0 days (0/7)

Well, Sunday was eventful too. I had yet another improv show, but this one went fantastically well. We got a really good ovation from the crowd at the end. It felt great to see everything come together. 

Saturday night was kind of a bust. Turns out it was just a sports bar, which was surprising from how it looked on the outside. I should've forced myself to be social, but I felt out of place since it seemed to be just groups of friends everywhere and I was there by myself. It felt weird. In a way, a club would've been easier because I wouldn't stand out as much. No big deal though, it was good to notice the thoughts I had which caused me to leave. I will be more aware of them next time. 

Also, I keep losing track of the goal of No Fap, so I'm going to create mini-goals along the way. Part of my problem is I lose track of my purpose once I start to stray down the wrong path. This has been the most difficult of the three to manage, by far.

All-in-all this was one of the best weekends I've had in a long time, and easily one of the most unihibited ones, too.

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Day 114

No VG - 114 days, No SAH - 10 days, NF - 1 day (1/7)

The middle of my week is usually quite boring. Oh well. 

I was very stressed out at work today. I need to start meditating again. I do feel like I was relatively productive today though. So that was good. I also took care of multiple errands today.

I feel like I've also been fantasizing/daydreaming a bit too much recently. I need to resume facing reality.

Tomorrow I'll get up a little early to do a little journaling.


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Day 115

No VG - 115 days, No SAH - 11 days, NF - 2 days (2/7)

Today was busy, but productive at work. I wasn't as angry today so that was good. 

I have procrastinated a bit since getting home. A three hour break is more than enough. Computer off for the rest of the night.

My goal before I go to bed is to at least finish the dishes if not also getting groceries. I have two hours before midnight, so I can still get quite a bit done if I put my mind to it.

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Day 116 

No VG - 116 days, No SAH - 12 days, NF - 1 day (1/7)

Busy, busy, busy. I don't have time to think during the week.

I got a new laptop at work and it is SO MUCH FASTER. I didn't realize how much time I wasted waiting. I'm very happy about this.

Today was reasonably productive. Tomorrow is going to be nuts though. As will Monday. 

However, I'm going to bear it. Just keep motoring through. If I don't, everyone else pays, and my future self pays. I need to keep pushing myself to get tougher.

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Day 118

No VG - 118 days, No SAH - 14 days, NF - 3 days (3/7)

Finally the weekend. Last night I was VERY tired. I needed a night to myself.

I just got back from a friends baby shower. I'm a little burnt out to be honest. But I cannot stay in tonight. 

I need to face the dragon. I know the anxiety will be there, but I have to go. The self-doubt will be there, but I have to go. 

I don't really have much of a plan right now, so how about my goal right now is to approach one woman in a club tonight? That sounds like a good goal.

I'm going to eat a quick dinner and get my ass out of the house. I'm also going to try and be more social on my way to the club.

I hope tonight goes well.

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Day 119

No VG - 119 days, No SAH - 15 days, NF - 4 days (4/7)


I went out last night and did exactly what I wanted to. I knew the emotions that were going to come up as I got closer, and I just accepted it and moved forward. That was great. I haven't really been in a situation like that for about a year now. That was a big step forward. And the interaction wasn't terrible, though it was clear there was no chemistry. 

Nonetheless, I felt really inhibited. I didn't think it was that early, but the club was dead. I liked the layout though so I'd totally come back. I saw a club that was right next to it which was a lot busier though, so next weekend I'll check that out. 

I should have stayed longer, but then I had thoughts that I wasn't really having any fun (kind of true) and that there weren't many people to talk to, and because of that, I felt like the chances of me being perceived as creepy would be high. I absolutely do not want to be perceived as creepy. That's a big fear.

Next weekend I want to go out again, and be a little less inhibited. I should risk being perceived as creepy if it means meeting a bunch of cool people who don't think that I'm creepy. 

And the best part of all of this is that I don't feel disgusted at myself for running away like I've been for the past year or so. I'm fucking proud of myself. I love this feeling. 

I'm finally learning how to push through my fears. I would've never done that with video games.

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Day 120

Wait, I didn't realize it's been four months now. Wow. I'll do a long post later this week.

No VG - 120 days, No SAH - 16 days, NF - 0 days (0/7),  [NSIB]

I have to keep this quick since I need to go to work early tomorrow. Work was busy today but somewhat enjoyable. 

After I came home, I spent about three hours studying Japanese. I picked this up recently as I was just looking for something hard to do and to practice memory skills. I haven't really watched anime in the past, so there's no real value beyond that. However, between Duolingo and a couple of other sites that give study exercises, I'm seriously questioning if this is a good decision. These are definitely gamified, though I don't know if I'd call them video games per se. Regardless, I'm starting to treat it like more and more of a game, and I'm losing track of what is really most important and that I should be focusing on right now--my physical health and social skills. 

I am deeply conflicted about this now. It's definitely enjoyable, and I don't see myself going on a sixteen hour binge, but still. I need to think about this more.

Also, being that it is the start of another month, I think it's time to add another habit. A couple of choices I have would be: not sitting in bed when I wake up, daily social skills studies, daily some kind of physical activity when I get home, or daily meditation.  Honestly, I've been struggling with NoFap recently, so I think I will go with not sitting in bed when I wake up. That will help with NoFap a bit, and I can spend some time every morning meditating with the time I save, or I can just set my alarm clock later and get an appropriate amount of sleep. It also helps with the theme of getting my time back, so that will be great too. Reminder for myself in brackets at the top.

Here's to another good month.

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Duolingo is hard to binge. I have not been there for 2 months (as I would have to go through the hassle of using my phone for it), but I remember doing 4 exercises of Russian per day to get the 50 XP and that took me about 15 minutes to get done. I plan to add Spanish after I get home too, as I know something from high school.

I know this will work for me, as I already have a good level of English (in my home area anyway) and I plan to leverage on my languages together with geography I study on the uni. 

Do what works for you! ?

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Yeah, @Ikar. I agree that it's hard to binge on Duolingo. That requires a bit of thought and effort, and after a while it just feels taxing. I just need to make sure I'm not prioritizing studying Japanese over the other stuff, which I have been recently. It may seem harsh on myself, but I have historically found anything to escape from facing my wrongs and problems. Today was a lot better in that respect.

Day 121

No VG - 121 days, No SAH - 17 days, NF - 1 day (1/7), NSIB - 1 day

Today was a much different day from the start. Got out of bed (early) after one alarm, and i did not spend an hour sitting in bed before work. Because I got up when I should, I was able to pack a lunch, have breakfast, clean up a little, and actually do my Six Pillars journaling, which I've slacked with quite a bit.

Work was busy, that will never change. I need to stop complaining so much at work. It helps absolutely nothing. It inspires negativity. I need to be more mindful of this. 

When I got home (at a reasonable hour no less, thank you getting up early) I actually prioritized my physical health and social life, by going to the apartment gym and scheduling a happy hour with a good friend I haven't spoken to in a while. It was only after THAT was done that I studied Japanese. I feel much better having done this, then spending three hours just studying Japanese. Escapism is a cruel drug.

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Day 122 

NO VG - 122 days, NO SAH - 18 days, NF - 2 days (2/7), No SIB - 2 days

Got out of bed early again. Work was busy. Blah blah blah.

I needed a bit of a break today once I got home. So I just cleaned up a bit. I have a lot I need to take care of though. 

I am really tired. Today was really mundane.

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Day 123

No VG - 123 days, No SAH - 19 days, NF - 3 days (3/7), No SIB - 0 days

Work was...not busy! My group, very overworked, had a barbecue today in a park. It was absolutely gorgeous out. No one really talked work, and at least I had fun while I was there. 

I got to leave a little early and was able to take care of some errands. I got a second wind despite being on two-and-a-half hours of sleep. Sleep procrastination. 

I'm going to bed now. Really happy about today. I feel human.

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Day 124 

No VG - 124 days, No SAH - 20 days, NF - 4 days (4/7), No SIB - 1 day (3/4 total)

Work was...busy. Back to the grind. I was stuck in the manufacturing space all day, but my work went very well. I had to be very careful and couldn't work on much else though since the work was kind of dangerous. 

I also got to have a happy hour with a very good friend of mine who thankfully moved pretty close to me, and works right down the road now. I ordered one drink in celebration, and it was really overpoured. I was kind of hungry so I was instantly buzzed. We hung out for a bit as I sobered up. I need a night of sleep though so I'm not going out tonight. Tomorrow I will though. 

I'm feeling oddly motivated right now. This is probably as I've been doing a better job socially for the past few weeks. The stress of work and where I'm at in life hasn't really subsided, but the ability to connect with people really has taken the edge off. Between that and starting to enjoy facing my fears in short bursts, I feel like I'm growing. I'll probably write a longer post on this tomorrow for the four month review that I've missed. 

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