DaBest's Journey For Self-Discipline

[Cam Adair]

I love having motivational sticker notes around my place. I would encourage you to keep them up even if people are coming over for two reasons:

1. You don't need to feel shame about who you are and what you're passionate about.
2. They make for great conversation starters.

[DaBest]

Holy moly, it's been a while. Congrats to Cam and Game Quitters for the great growth since I've been gone! Keep up the good work.

Life has been a bit overwhelming recently since getting the new job. A lot of growing up has been required, and I'm still struggling with it, but hopefully improving in some ways. 

Work tires me out like no other, usually 12-13 hours a day when I'm on, most of that on my feet. By the time I get home all I want to do is go on Reddit and the internet. It doesn't help that when I make mistakes at work, due to the need for high quality and due to my generally negative internal monologue, it stresses me out to no end. This effects my performance at work and makes me numb myself and use all of my worst habits.

At home, I'm pretty damn lonely. First and foremost, my social life revolves mostly around work people, which isn't a good thing. As an adult, I like to think I'd have the social skills to develop a group of friends outside of that, but my effort and skills have been lacking. 

Really, the past couple of months have been a few steps forward in some places and a few steps back here and there. I think it's kind of funny though that I was so stressed out about my self-worth before because I had a minimum wage job, and now that I am doing much better than that now, I'm still feeling those same feelings, just in a different way. Regardless, I do feel better though.

My internet usage has experienced a lot of yoyoing recently. Some days I can go without entirely. Other days i'll be on for 16 hours and not leave my apartment. One thing that I've been relatively consistent with recently has been implementing a habit where everytime I enter my house or after I wake up in the morning (and don't leave), I must do one of a list of recreational things that does not include any electronic entertainment. My favorite is reading a non-techical "dumb" book. I've gone through so many books as of late because of this, which is great. I've been pretty consistent with this too as it's pretty easy to keep so long as the thing is actually entertaining, and I enjoy it since it teaches my brain there are other ways to relax. 

I worry though that I am still numbing my feelings and thoughts with those actions. Really, my internet compulsion is from the fact that I feel extreme shame about myself some days. I have been working on the trauma related to that after reading Neil Strauss's The Truth (highly recommend, by the way), which is really hard and has been fruitful at times, but there is only so much I can go against two decades of mental programming before I feel absolutely exhausted. 

I know this is a lot of mental vomit on a page right now. It's a vent post, and low-effort, but I'm really trying to get back into the game of getting rid of these seriously bad habits. I miss Game Quitters. I want to grow, and this community is full of like-minded, growth-oriented people that I wish i could have in my life, in person. 

Anyway, I'm glad to be back!

Tomorrow's goal: Minimum one sentence post on quitting Reddit after I finish my "home-entry" habit.

 

[Cam Adair]

Welcome back! Always enjoy seeing updates from members who haven't posted in awhile.

[DaBest]

HI Cam! Thanks!

In regards to quitting Reddit, I think I could do it. It would be painful. But I could do it.

In regards to getting sleep, on I go. Had to get in early today to work. Stayed late for a special social gathering.

Tomorrow's goal: a nap. No seriously, a nap.

[DaBest]

Day 0 (Again)

I finally got my nap today...a whole 12 hours straight. My sleep habits are less than ideal, and really mess with my work performance, where I need every ounce of energy and focus I can muster. Tonight though I'm set to be in bed on time for the first time all month. If I continue this tomorrow, I will feel very good when I go back to work Saturday. 

When I'm tired, I struggle to do much of anything when I come home. There have been times where I will simply close and lock my door, take off my shoes, lie down on the floor and wake up three hours later. As a result of this, dishes pile up and get stinky, trash piles up and gets stinky, bathrooms don't get cleaned...and well, you get the picture. My apartment cycles between super-clean and wtf-is-this depending on how much work I've had. This gets me super-depressed and drains more energy from me, and really hurts my internal monologue. When I finally do get my apartment clean, like today, it unclutters my mind and makes me happy. 

Basically, I need to get more sleep. Though I can't keep expecting myself to do anything once I get home after 11-13 hours of work if I am on 5 hours of sleep or less, maybe if I can get more sleep I can muster up the energy to do at least the bare minimum when I get home. 

That would be good.

---

I spent today, going overboard, but not all-out-binge on the Internet only by the grace of cleaning my apartment. I spent most of that time on Reddit and whatever content I found there. 

For me, Reddit is a connection to the world that I crave desperately at times, like when I'm in my apartment. I could make excuses for why I don't leave my apartment but I'm not since I don't utilize all the opportunities that I have available. Once I do, then I'll complain

I need to start utilizing my time better to get outside of my apartment, the gym and the library can account for four hours a day, and grabbing a beer at a bar can be another hour. Getting rid of Reddit is fine, but I'm going to need to replace what it was filling if I want it to stick. 

Goals for tomorrow:

1) Go to gym after breakfast.

2) Go to library after lunch. 

3) Finally check out the bar down the street for happy hour. 

 

[Cam Adair]

The state of your home is the state of your mind.

One thing that helped me a lot to keep things tidy is the 2 minute rule. If it can be done in 2 minutes or less, do it now. Dishes/trash fall into that category. The pile-up is the problem, but if you just deal with it quick in the moment it's done and you can clear that space in your mind for other things.

 

[Daniel]

The state of your home is the state of your mind.

When I get to 90 days I am posting pics of my room before I started the detox, haha

[Cam Adair]

The state of your home is the state of your mind.

When I get to 90 days I am posting pics of my room before I started the detox, haha

Haha do it!

[DaBest]

The state of your home is the state of your mind.

This is so true! And I find it funny that by changing one of those seems to push the other in a similar direction.

And I do like the two minute rule you mentioned. I'll have to expand that to the fifteen minute rule since I cook a lot though

---

Day 1

Two goals good, one missed. 

I went to the gym this morning after cooking a French-style omelette today, I was happy about this for two reasons: 1) I have been overcooking all my omelettes for the longest time, and the texture and appearance were much nicer, and 2) the gym gave me a slow burn of energy throughout the day.

Considering I got a full 8 hours of sleep last night without an alarm clock (but missing my bedtime by 15 minutes b/c of writing the prior post...a significant improvement), the gym was actually energizing, where usually for me it isn't. So that's something good to keep in mind: full sleep + gym = energy = mood = health = getting stuff done.

Also, I ended up talking to someone there who I crossed paths with at the grocery store and I talked to my neighbor, too. For my social-starved life, I cherish these small interactions.

I also made it to the library today, but I got there a bit later then I planned. It was still nice though. I like reading, but if I have the opportunity to do it in a public space, I'd rather do that since my apartment has been wearing on me recently. 

Because I got there late, I ended up cooking late and not being able to make it to the bars before having to start setting up for work the next couple of days. This was the big goal for today, so I'm a little bit bummed, but quite honestly it was just a small mistake and I can go tomorrow if I leave work on time. 

And on the Internet front, I went over my limit, but I did not use Reddit today. As a result, my excess usage was much lower than normal. 

Tomorrow's goals: 

1) Bar?

2) Dishes

3) Iron shirts

[Cam Adair]

Awesome job man. I'd challenge you to time yourself doing the dishes next time. I meal prep once a week where I cook my lunches and dinners and even with all of that it doesn't take more than 10 minutes to clean up. During the week when I cook breakfast/lunch/dinner it's more like 2-3 minutes tops.

Just my experience though.

[DaBest]

Thanks Cam, and challenge accepted. I actually usually do time myself for whatever reason and every day of pileup is about 15 minutes each. Granted...that's pileup. Today I had leftovers, so no cooking, and it took me much less time. I can probably get in the 5-10 minutes a day range pretty easy if I stay on top of it. 

I've tried cooking for the week in the past and I'm just not a fan. Though I am considering investing in more cookware to up my max load of food from 2-2.5 days worth to 4-5 days worth. That would be a nice balance for me. 

---

Day 2

Dishes, check. Ironing, check. Bar, postponed again. Bed time, 9:30 (vs goal of 9:00).

I got out of work at 5 today for the first time in forever, but the skies decided to open up, and since I was planning on walking because I wasn't planning on staying too long and I didn't want to drink and drive, I took a as-near-as-literal-can-get raincheck. So I'll try again Monday. 

On the Internet front, followed my "coming home" habit of reading first, but I ended up watching some MMA I was excited about during my dinner/dishes/ironing and then followed it up with some news for a grand total of 3 out of 4 hours I have when I get home. I was a bit tired from work and I just got a craving because of dinner. Dinner for me, growing up was almost always together with a family, if I weren't feuding with them. Now dinner is silent, and the silence is deafening. There's a part of me that feels really alone during dinners now, and I ease the pain with the easiest means available. 

That leaves me two choices:

1) Become not lonely anymore...working on it.

2) Grin and bear it...might work in the short term, but ignores the larger issues that could be solved with 1). 

But maybe 2) could be a positive if I lean into it a bit and deal with the discomfort on an emotional level in the moment. I'll give it a try tomorrow.

Tomorrow's goals:

1) Two errands

2) Dishes

3) No sound during dinner.

[DaBest]

Day 3

Ran errands, check. Dishes, check (15 minutes because of cooking, would've been quicker otherwise). No sound during dinner, check.

I am happy I got all my goals accomplished, and I have a very good chance of being in bed at 9. 

I did a decent job on moderating my Internet usage today. The only two issues I had were I kinda fudged my rules a bit when I came home for lunch, and doing the dishes. I decided to go on my phone while still in my car (technically okay) but I wasn't really thinking straight as I stayed on as I opened my door and went in my home. 30 seconds in I realized what I was doing and stopped. In addition, I listened to music while doing the dishes to "take the edge" off of doing them. I don't know why I'm so avoidant to doing dishes. It's weird, I know. For now, I'm okay with using the music as a crutch if I need to, as the benefits outweigh the costs, and having a clean home will make me more likely to stay off the Internet since my stress will be lower.

I also didn't get to much thought into why the silence of dinner bothers me so much. I ate pretty quickly since I wasn't distracted.

Tomorrow's goals: 

1) Bar.

2) Call home.

3) Laundry and dishes.

Edit: P.S.: Tomorrow, (or whenever my next post is) I want to think more about how this feels way more like moderation than quitting, for me, and my thoughts on that. Currently, it makes me feel weird.

Edited August 1, 2016 by DaBest
Had another thought.

[Cam Adair]

I am happy I got all my goals accomplished, and I have a very good chance of being in bed at 9.

Great job! 

[DaBest]

Day 5

Yesterday was ok. I made it to the bar and called home. I did not do dishes because I rationalized it was just a plate, fork, and knife, which is silly in retrospect. I did not do laundry because honestly I just forgot. I ended up going to bed at midnight (my day off was today).

To be honest, I got really complacent these last 24 hours, and in the last 8 hours, I've been in a bit of a shame spiral watching video game videos (...not even playing). I'm going to break out of it now. 

I say I'll read one hour of news, which then becomes an hour of sports news, which becomes several hours of other stuff. And so on and so forth.

Today probably happened as a result of being really stressed out and wanting to check out from reality. It's in the past now though, I still have a few hours left today and I can get at least something accomplished.

This is not an excuse and is something that I will need to deal with better in the future. For all the things I cut out of my internet usage, cutting the internet out entirely is totally infeasible in this day and age, and it's a bit weird too. It's discipline and habit that I need to keep developing, and I need to keep trying after every time I slip. At this point in time, I feel like I'm trying to be an alcoholic bartender, as close as humanly possible to my vice without partaking. In the future, I will likely keep scaling back what I use the internet for as I finally start getting the hang of this. 

I need to remember that these mistakes ultimately keep me from my goal from being not lonely, which bring me to making my mistakes. There are a lot of vicious cycles in my life, but every time I break them,they have a little less hold on me. I will keep going. 

Tonight's goals:

After reading a couple of posts on Game Quitters and getting a recipe I need copied, all electronics are done for the night.

Dishes

Laundry

Sleep by 9

 

[Cam Adair]

The key is in your self-awareness - if you are aware of something than you have the power to change it.

Being aware that stress leads you to want to check out -> gaming videos -> cravings to play -> playing is important. How can you get a break from stress in your life in other ways than watching streams? Any ideas?

[DaBest]

Day 6

Hey @Cam Adair. ^^I agree with this very much. Honestly, probably the best way I deal with stress is sleep. Usually, I'm tired because of lack of stress, and a lot of my stress goes down after I sleep. It's like killing two birds with one stone. 

Haha, but aside from when I'm tired, I get true stress relief from: the gym (when rested), reading, being with friends, and mediation are usually the go to. That's only when I remember, because my habits are weak in seeking out those areas. Most of my "stress reduction" is 99% oriented towards the computer/phone/used to be consoles, too. 

The good news is today that the Internet was not my first step when I got home. For whatever reason, I had a pounding headache today at work and was exhausted all day despite a decent night's sleep. I took a nap for an hour when I got home before I did anything (which also qualifies as an option for my "entering the apartment habit.") I felt way better afterward and only spent 20 minutes on my phone afterwards, and then I ran some errands and made cornbread. After that, I went down the rabbit hole a bit again, but I did not go over my 2 hour total Internet non-work usage a day. I did have a couple of urges earlier on after I woke up to go on Reddit, but because I was rested I was better prepared for it and realized it wasn't going to serve me any good. So overall, my response after work today was a good one. 

None of this would have been possible had I not done all my chores last night and salvaged the end of my day. It meant that one bad day didn't make for two. 

Now I gotta go and finish the dishes and keep the streak alive.

Goals for tomorrow:

1) Less than 30 minutes of news tomorrow, with the rest of my Internet time only going to preparing for a social event this weekend.

2) Dishes (I know this is a weird repetitive goal, but it is what it is)

3) Do one "stress check" at work during the day.

[Cam Adair]

Great work man! 

[DaBest]

Day 7

Last night: after finishing my post I spent a little bit of time down the rabbit hole again, so I very stupidly went past my limit by an hour. I did do my dishes though and felt weirdly accomplished like I always do once I'm done. 

Work today was slow, which was a nice change of pace. Went to happy hour afterwards with coworkers and enjoyed myself. I talked with someone who I met twice before briefly, and seemed to be a swell guy. At one point he said, "Man, I wish I had a chance to get to know you better. .... [ conversation ].... I don't think you're in the right place [where I work], I hope to see you do better in the future." That was a really kind thing to say, but it kind of gutted me a bit. I'm very grateful for my current job, but there's no way my current job is feasible long term--technically, I'm underemployed, and the career path is far from what I'm aiming for and the path I recently had to give up. Yet another reminder of what I can be doing with my time instead of Internetting.

I also did several stress checks at work today, which was good. My stress was low, but I tried to focus on my breathing at times to stay calm.

In terms of Internet use today, I deviated from my plan, but not in a bad way. News I kept to about 15 minutes, although I decided to catch a peek at the bar during a moment of awkward silence (not a good habit). I did not prepare for that social event at all, but instead, I spent my time printing scientific articles for a friend that I have background in, which I promised I'd do a few months ago. I'm embarrassed, but I promised him tonight that I'd follow through tomorrow, and I've been curating the articles and printing them.  

Goals for tonight:

1) Finish printing

2) Eat my cooked dinner.

3) Dishes

Tomorrow:

1) Get printer ink. 

2) Do the thing I wanted to do tonight.

3) Dishes

 

[Cam Adair]

Any idea what other jobs you would want instead?

[DaBest]

Any idea what other jobs you would want instead?

I'm an engineer by trade and currently I'm on the manufacturing side of things, so I'd like to switch to the engineering side of things in my industry. I've also done some research in the past and love the idea of creating something brand new, but I'm not sure I have the discipline and willingness to sacrifice necessary to continue with that just yet--my passion for that has waned a bit.

Also, just saw the video on finding new activities to replace gaming. I really liked it! I gave it some thought and as much as I don't like to drink, I am going to start going to bars more since it fulfills the requirements: it's a temporary escape for sure, I can get social connection from it, my social skills will surely grow with time, and my social skills will be seriously challenged. I've been avoiding bars for a long time due to income issues, but not that's not as big of a problem now. I don't have to drink if I don't want to, and while that makes going more challenging at first, the challenge will make my social skills grow even larger with practice. 

--- Day 10 ---

From the prior post, completed all my goals except for getting printer ink. The Staples is kind of far from me and I didn't want to make the long trip just for that. I decided I'll go when I check out a new bar that's nearby there.

Over the weekend, I was busy, Friday night I was up til 3 AM preparing for a social event of sorts, and Saturday I was out from 10 AM - 2 AM. I enjoyed myself thoroughly, but I let my apartment go a little bit. I didn't do dishes til today. Initially, I was a bit bummed that I dropped my streak, but then I thought about how much better I've been doing and instead felt grateful for the improvement. 

Today I went a little overboard watching the Olympics, but unlike in years past, I was able to put it down eventually and focus on what I needed to get done for tomorrow. Part of the huge sports fan in me wants to just watch non-stop like I used to when I was a kid on  This week, I'm going to try and read, nap, and meditate more to counteract that.

Tomorrow's Goals:

1) No Olympics, as much as it pains me.

2) Dishes

3) Meditate for a minimum of one minute 

 

[DaBest]

Day 11 Quick Post

Dishes, yes. Mediate, yes for 10 minutes. Olympics...went to a bar with friends for happy hour, couldn't really avoid it then, but I didn't watch any at home, solo. 

Today I was more well rested for work and my stress levels were way lower. As a result, when I got home, getting my stuff done even though I got home way later than usual was easier. Also, realizing my car needs to go to the mechanic hasn't stressed me out like it has in the past (money issues).

Otherwise, my Internet usage at home was ~45 mins only. That's good!

Goals for tomorrow:

1) Figure out what mechanic I am going to drop my car off with, and when. This is very important.

2) Mediate

Don't care about the dishes, my focus is just on the car. Meditate for stress.

[Cam Adair]

You can go to bars and not drink! Just get a cranberry and ice or something to hold. I went out to bars every night for 3 years and didn't have a drink once! It's easier to learn and improve your social skills as well if you're sober.

[DaBest]

You can go to bars and not drink! Just get a cranberry and ice or something to hold. I went out to bars every night for 3 years and didn't have a drink once! It's easier to learn and improve your social skills as well if you're sober.

That is seriously amazing. Both what you did and the idea of doing that. This could become a thing. 

Day 12

I messed up today, big time.

I got in an argument at work over something of considerable importance that I witnessed someone else doing, but I lost my cool and went further with my language than I should. It was over the line and I readily admitted that to my boss and the other person. Thankfully, my boss and co-worker were understanding and everyone admitted their wrongs and hopefully everything is smoothed over at this point, although my boss did give both of us a stern warning with regards to being hired from our position as contractors if we can't work as a team. I wish we had behaved more levelheaded in the moment, like when we were in my boss's office, which was a more constructive discussion.

My behavior is of particular concern to me due to it's childishness. The good thing about planning to meditate today meant that I had time to meditate on that. I need to remove this behavior from the bank of possibilities when a situation like this arises. After talking with my family, and some deep introspection, I realize that in a way, I've always been frustrated when things don't go my way. When I was a kid, I'd freak out if stuff didn't go my way, and honestly it made life at school way worse for me than it should have and made me an easy target for bullies. Then, when stuff really started going wrong in my life that was totally out of my control, I can very easily say I had my darkest years. I thought about a lot of the friendships and bridges I burned because things started to not go my way and I blew up to some varying extent, and I can see the pattern recurring over and over again. It's hurt me socially for a long time, and now it's about to hurt me professionally. This has to stop, and it will.

Afterwards, once I finally got home, I decided to bake some cookies for my co-worker (he couldn't stop talking about the other ones I baked, recently) as sort of a token of "I'm going to do my best to follow up my words with actions about trying to do better." I also meditated (goal: check) for about 15-20 minutes on this and felt relaxed and clearheaded. This will go a long way to diminishing my reaction to things not going my way.

I also readily acknowledge that I cannot add stuff to my personality and whatnot, especially since all of this was not environmentally developed (I think). However, I do think I can diminish this part of my personality and develop better responses to the feelings that are associated with it, and let the more fun and easy-going part of my personality (it does exist) shine more. For example, after I meditated, I tried imagining past scenarios and practiced using a more adult response: talking about how I felt, using more I statements, and acknowledging how it's hurting my relationship  without getting mad and being prepared to hear "no." It seems weird to practice it like that, but I don't see myself seeking out conflict for the sake of practicing how to put it out. 

As a person, no matter how many times I fail, I will always continue to try and better myself.

Goals wrap-up:

Also got car to the mechanic, today. That was much better than ignoring the problem and not dealing with it.

Tomorrow's goals:

1) Dishes

2) Laundry

3) Meditate

4) Get my car if it's ready. OR. If it's not ready, clean up my apartment more.

Finally, to the reader:

I apologize for the walls of text and the psychological breakdowns ad nauseam. I feel a lot of my Internet/gaming usage is a result of of personality/past trauma and not merely habit. I'm trying to kill the root of the problem rather than just placate it. These posts will continue to be like this until I start getting better, but if I don't work through this, that'll never happen.

 

[Cam Adair]

As a person, no matter how many times I fail, I will always continue to try and better myself.

Making mistakes is called being human. Learning from them is what separates the greats from the rest. 

[DaBest]

Day 17

Phew, what a week.

First and foremost, I seem to have at least partially mended the bridge between myself and my co-worker. I think the cookies went a long way to proving I was serious about being sorry. It's still awkward, but less so now. 

I have not done a fantastic job of limiting my Internet usage this weekend outside of my parents' visit to my apartment. Even while they were here, the Olympics was on in the background as we did other things. It was really nice to see my parents, despite it being an up-and-down experience as usual. It sucks that I live so far away now and we only see one another every few months. 

Their visit this weekend made me question if I was really serious about changing. I think I've been lying to myself quite a bit. I definitely want to change, but I've been avoiding the work associated with it. 

Tonight, when I'm done with my post. I'm going to leave my computer off, and not check my phone unless its for something work related. Doing this will mean I'm passing up the track and field portion of the Olympics tonight, which I'm particularly fond of. Instead, I'm going to go to the gym for a bit and I'm going to bed early. Maybe I'll meditate too. This is only one cycle of the vicious cycle that I'll be breaking with a better habit, but with practice I'll be better at this.