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DaBest

DaBest's Journey For Self-Discipline

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You can always watch the highlights of the olympics. That's what I've been doing. Saves me a ton of time with commercials and bullshit like that.

Their visit this weekend made me question if I was really serious about changing. I think I've been lying to myself quite a bit. I definitely want to change, but I've been avoiding the work associated with it. 

Gotta do the work. :)

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Hey Cam,

Rationally, I agree with you. That makes total sense. I'm just not very rational at times. Working on it. :)

Day 26

It's been a while, been busy and been lazy. The past week and a half was up and down. Currently it's up.

As I kind of alluded before, my sports watching since my last post yo-yoed. I either moderated or didn't watch for roughly 2/3 of the days, but on the 1/3 I binged to various extents. Honestly, it could've been a lot worse given the Olympics were taking place in a similar time zone as mine, as live sports is way more of a pull than tape delay. In retrospect, this was probably a significant improvement over what old me would've done, which is stay up late and watch for hours on end every night, regardless of circumstance. I want to do better, but I'm not mad.

Over the past few days though, I've come to realize that the dish thing is not just a "dish thing." I just do a really bad job of taking care of myself on even a basic level. This is embarrassing, which leads to stress, which leads to chaos. Realizing this, I've been trying to focus on just taking care of me first before I worry about anything else. As a result, my stress is much lower, my willpower up, and my urges down in frequency and intensity. Between Sunday and today, I've cooked a ton of food which should last me through Friday for both lunch and dinner (I'm looking at you, Cam ;) ). My apartment looks way nicer, and weirdly enough I'm going to bed earlier. And since I was well rested, I was able to not be a slug when I got home and instead go to the gym, which calmed and energized me. This is a positive spiral of sorts, and it feels weird. I'm not used to this, haha. 

Just giving a little energy to get more back, and it's working. 

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Rationally, I agree with you. That makes total sense. I'm just not very rational at times. Working on it. :)

So you're human. xD

Good to hear about the meal prep. Game changer for me honestly.

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Day 27

Today was a good day in limiting my Internet usage. When I left work, I went to a Starbucks and read my book. Went home, did some pushups. Ate dinner without music/podcasts/Youtube and I should be in bed around the same time as last night. 

In light of taking care of myself, I'm going to keep this post quick tonight. I have an email to send after this, and my computer will be off after that. 

I'm really grateful for the last few days.

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Day 31

Kept on track real well until Thursday, then I stayed up real late and was a lazy bum until Sunday. Despite the stumble I am really proud of how last week went. 

Tomorrow I want to cook my food for the rest of the week. I started today, but I started late. 

I want to do dishes and laundry, too. 

I plan on listening to one or two podcasts from a new podcast I found, while I'm doing that. I will not be checking news, sports, or listening to music. 

That's it. Goodnight folks.

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Day 59

Damn, a whole month without posting. 

Things have been up and down since then. On a whole, I've been taking much better care of myself. Not consistently though, which is really key. On a whole, I've been eating better, getting more sleep, and keeping a cleaner home, and I still need to improve on my meditation, gym, and going out. When all of these are in place, it is much easier to say no to doing frivolous stuff on the internet, like watching streams or sports.

Living by myself has not been easy. It's isolating, and like when I was a kid, what do I do when I'm isolated? Go play video games/go on the Internet. Got to stop. 

So for the rest of tonight, here's the gameplan:

1) Have dinner

2) Go to gym for a little bit.

3) Shower, then meditate.

4) Dishes!!!

For the rest of this week, too, I'm going to make it a goal of making a daily post here (either first thing I do after getting in the door, or after I finish my morning hygiene on my off days). These lifetime habit changes are taking a bit of a psychological toll, as part of me is not letting go. Until then, I'm going to practice shorter-term consistency (at least in the short-term, heh heh), and use it as a foundation for bigger things. It's frustrating to still be on this stuff, but with time I'll get there. I won't stop til I do. 

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Day 60

I'm doing this as an early post (pre-work) today since my start time is very late today, and I'll probably go straight to bed when  I get home.

Last night I did 1, 2, 3, and I called home, but unfortunately I fell asleep while meditating. Didn't realize how tired I was. I promised myself to do dishes in the morning, which I will after finishing this post. As a plus, I did not go on the Internet after my last post.

So far, cooked a big breakfast and some dinner for later, and browsed some journals of people on the same journey as me. It would help to keep people around me who do things that I strive to achieve. All in all, today's start was much better than yesterdays, and I am feeling ready to go.

I have no goals for tonight besides going to bed at a reasonable hour, depending on when my start time gets shifted to tomorrow.

Peace!

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Well thank you for reading, Cam. :) 

Day 61

Got out of work late today. Had to eat before posting, got distracted. I'm still posting though. 

I'm sick, so I'm going to keep this short and sweet cause I need to go to bed. Could've taken better care of myself today and cut down on my internet usage (~3 hrs). I tend to take worse care of myself when I get home within 4 hours of my ideal bedtime. This happens because I usually stay at work late to push through side-projects I can't touch during normal hours. Currently, I have three days off a week, so I'm thinking of spending some time on one of those off days at work instead of staying late, especially since I usually just putz around on my weekends when nothing's going on, like I will on Thursday (off day). This way, I can get work done on the side-projects unimpeded (who's gonna bother me on an off day if I come in?), and I won't be killing myself for 12-13 hours a day. I have a huge backlog of "side stuff" to catch up on, and it might be good to have a deep work period for just that, separate from the "normal work." I'll run that past my boss tomorrow.

Here's to a better tomorrow.

 

 

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Yeah, being sick is meh. It happens.

Day 62

Stayed real late at work today, not by choice. Got home around 8. I'm not going to complain though. It is what I want it to be.

That said, I'm wiped. Went straight on the computer, but once again, not here. After 14 hours my discipline is low. I find this incredibly ironic, as when I'm at work, my discipline is A+, even over 14 hours. Taking care of myself when I get home needs to be more habitual.

I also spoke to my boss about my proposal on not staying late as much. Surprisingly, he was pretty meh about it. He explained why, and though I understand is point of view, I don't necessarily agree. His alternative was "can you get in earlier?", to which I said, "No. I don't have the discipline for that yet, and it doesn't really solve my problem." That's the truth. We'll see where it goes. I have great respect for the bossman though, regardless. 

Tonight I'm going to go to bed earlyish for a weekend night and just get rest. And I'll take care of the other stuff in the morning. No need to be on the Internet past midnight (small victory).

 

 

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Day 63

Damn, that sleep was good. I slept for 10 glorious hours. I find it amazing that a day of work can make me so tired.

Per my goal, I want to do a morning post. I did get a bit distracted when I first got on my computer, but I have not pulled up the news, or music, or Youtube, etc. Now that I'm posting this, I should have better resolve for today.

My main goal for today is to get my house in order and take care of myself. My second goal is to entertain myself by any other means necessary today. I'm supposed to get dinner with friends at 8, and I've been trying to not view news or other distractions on the Internet outside of 7:30-8:30, so I guess I'll just take a break from it today. Doing that will be good for my discipline, and for my habit tree.

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Day 64

Yesterday was a good day. I held tough on not checking the news at all. I had an opportunity to read the news in my window, when my friends were running late, but I was enjoying the progress and didn't want to ruin it. I started my day cleaning up, going to the gym, doing laundry, reading, getting groceries--basic stuff. What was really nice about it though, was that I realized if I were on the computer all day, I would've done none of that, felt sorry for myself, and went deeper into the internet. I've noticed that not doing anything will make me really stressed out and go down the rabbit hole, but so long as I do something of value, my stress is a lot lower and I don't go down the rabbit hole quite as often. 

Another fascinating thing about yesterday was that I almost started practicing engineering. On my habit hierarchy I made, on the level above all of the basic needs habits (cooking, sleep, clean home, gym, meditation, and going to church), the habit is "deal with stress and mental/physical health better." Above that, is "practice engineering daily." I haven't done this in ages and has long been a goal of mine. When I'm tired, I couldn't give a damn about engineering. The fact that the thought to do so even crossed my mind was amazing since it was the first time in a very long time. I unfortunately had some other stuff come up though, so I didn't get a chance. Progress

Today, I hope to continue the same progress. Top priorities are getting my car to the mechanic as my brake system is failing (fun), cooking at least three days worth of food, and not going on the Internet for fun outside my window. 

 

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Day 65

[Ventpost incoming.]

One day of work and I'm already exhausted. 13 hours. Two of them OT and off the clock, just so I can get ahead. Plus I had to walk home an hour in the rain since I stayed late and couldn't get a ride. And I realized that the majority of my bosses are ------ passive aggressive as hell. There are two things I can't just ------- deal with at work: passive aggression, and not knowing whether someone has your back or hates your guts. I deal with both now on a daily basis, and I'm just ------ over it. I'm tired of waking up on a workday feeling stressed the ---- out, just because I don't know who is going to throw a tantrum somewhere in my general direction.

But ---- all that. 

I need to deal with this better. Their reactions are not my own. I choose my feelings and responses to my environment. The world can be burning and I can be calm. I can't lose sight of this like I've been and let it eat me up. I'm no victim--I'm just a person. And these other people are just people. That's it.

On the bright side of things, I posted through the end of the week daily. Often not when I planned, but I did it. Coming in as drained as I am, it's hard to want to do anything coming home. All I did tonight was watch sports. Forgive and move on.

I want tomorrow to be better than today. I'm going to try and love my enemies better and not view them as such to begin with. Just need to breathe, and check my pride at the door.

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Day 68

This weekend was really rough. I'm thankful it's over. A new start.

I was seriously exhausted by the end of last night. My present lack of ability to consistently deal with stress kept me up late the past few nights. I've gotten a slow start to today. I'm going to try and pick up the pace now.

In an ideal world, the ideal me would have a stoic-warrior-like personality that could just deal with anything and push through with self-mastery. For a while now, I guess you can say that when things go wrong, I get immensely frustrated and/or scared. Hence the frustration with my bosses. I get an email that isn't so nice, which isn't how I want to be treated, and I get bent out of shape because of how it differs from the ideal, which is that I be treated with respect. I came to realize this a few weeks ago upon doing some reflection, but I only considered this based off events only, and not interactions with people, too. 

In reality, I choose what my reaction is to those situations. My reactions will never be perfect, but it doesn't mean I can't improve them. I have to be more aware in the moment so I can stop myself and say, "Look, it's not perfect. Just deal with it and get past it as quickly as possible." 

So for tonight, I have a list of things to do to get back on track.

Dishes, laundry, dinner, groceries, library, meditation, gym or podcast, clean up house, work on application.

The last in the list is potentially good news. My bosses let me know the other day that the job posting to convert from a contractor to full-time employee was posted. I'm scared since it's an open post, and there are others I've been hired with. My contract runs through February, but I've been fighting so hard for this. I have no idea where I stand in relation to my peers. I also don't know how many spots they're hiring. My heart is racing typing this.

Anyway, I'm gonna read some posts and log off for the night and push through.

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Day 69

Did not get through all of my list last night. Went to bed at 9:30, which is really early for an off day. I found myself falling asleep in the living room around 8, so I took it as a message that my body was just not having it, and that I could finish the rest up today. I got through most of the list though.

I started this morning with a cold shower and watching some Game Quitters vids, just to put my mindset in the right place. 

Today's goals are to get groceries, cook for the next three days, pick up some electronics stuff/a gift for someone, meditate, and work on that application so I can send it out after tomorrow. If I want to listen to music, I can do that at 7:30-8:30. 

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Barging in here: I lol'd a little when reading about you falling asleep at random times (during meditation, living room.) It planted a funny picture in my head. 

You really seem to be on the right path, and equipped with the right mindset. Also, I think it's great of you to constantly write your goals for the day or the following day; something I wish I did but I'm too lazy to do it. 

Good luck in moving forward!

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@Simon E, Nonsense, you're not barging in here. :) You're more than welcome to comment. It's public so if anyone can find value in it, so be it. We're all in this together, so I can't be the only person going through the same stuff I am. 

And thank you for your kind comment. The goals thing is more just a way to plan after I've started to stray, and to keep me from doing so. At first it started out as an accountability thing, and in a way, I guess it still is to an extent, but then it was more "I'm gonna be so cool and just own the world!" and now it's just "I really don't give a damn what you think about my goals. I'm just trying to get better." Definitely give goal writing a shot. Do one a day. If you do it, cool. If you don't, that's cool too. As long as it adds value to your life then why not?

Day 70

13 hours of work, and more to go at home. This will end up being around a 3 hour break or so. I need it after 13 hours. Work had its ups and downs.

That said, I need to move quick. I really want to finish that application up tonight, or at least have it ready for a final review tomorrow evening. I also need sleep since I have work tomorrow. All this to keep a roof over my head...this is fucking insane sometimes.

I did a great job with the Internet today. I checked the news briefly at lunch since I was flying solo today, and also once when I got home for about 15 minutes. To relax when i got home, I played my Erik Satie Pandora channel which was, for the first time in a while, something that was legitimately soothing and re-energizing. Just having that in the background is nice. Also, while I understand that is "Intertainment," it kept me from going overboard on the Internet when I got home. It felt healthier than turning into the numb, mindless, drooling zombie I usually am when I'm on that stuff. 

I feel ambivalent. Positive mixed-bag day. 

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Day 71

I got to stop being such a wuss about being exhausted. I just need to do what i need to do, which is nap, or sleep more. If I choose to stay up I better be willing to work through the consequences. 

Two days of work and I'm wiped. I'm spoiled that my schedule is staggered throughout the week. That said, I do need to be taking better care of myself on work nights, even with the important work I was doing last night. I also should just sleep instead of trying to drag myself around like I do, and when I do, I need to be more steadfast in not abusing the Internet and using this as an excuse, like I did tonight.

My cover letter and resume are drafted. I did not work on them tonight though. Was very tired when I got home, and in retrospect, might've been a good thing. I will save it for tomorrow morning and have it sent out around lunch. 

I need to take very good care of myself tomorrow. I'm also working on Sunday. I need to cook for the next 5 days tomorrow, do laundry, and such and such. I will not listen to music during the day or go on the Internet until after dinner, with the exception of a morning post, when I'm more lucid. 

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Day 72

Man, what a rough start to the day. I've slacked hard.

I have some hours left in the day though. I'm choosing not to waste any more, unlike in the past, where I'd choose to waste them.

Computer off.

See ya later.

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