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DaBest

DaBest's Journey For Self-Discipline

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Day 248

No VG - 248 days,  no sports news - 4 days, NF -  2 days , SOB - 29 days, NNO59 - 4 days, NIA1030 - 2 days, NLAF - 2 days, NSOC - 1 days, Meditation -  starting after this.

Today was interesting. Woke up to a text from my friend abroad, who wanted a grudge match chess game. I did NOT make the same mistake like last time and went to the gym and physical therapy first. It set a much better tone for the day. I was generally productive today, which was consisting of many errands. However, I found myself longing for more chess afterwards and the easy rewards that would provide. I resisted, but it makes me think I'm playing with fire. I don't necessarily want to give this up though since it's a much tamer way for me to connect with my friend compared to other gaming alternatives.

I also noticed today that I was looking for easy, looking for distraction on the internet, instead of wanting to invest more of the time in me and my personal development. I've gotten a bit more of a taste this year of what it feels like to put hard work in and improve, especially in the gym. I want to train myself to find more joy in doing the hard work for improvement. 

I'm also going to start meditating for 10 minutes a day. I'm going to need it for January, big time. I'm feeling stressed just thinking about it.

Tomorrow I'd like to get to the gym again, go to physical work for a little bit since it's making me so anxious right now, and either (stetch goal) go salsa dancing tomorrow night or at a minimum, spend some time working on charisma or social skills.

---

@Ikar, wholeheartedly agree on all parts, though for the responsibility portion I was more trying to debate how much of a burden I should place on myself for the benefit of society and others. I would not just jump ship without another ship to jump to. I've had that happen before and I have no desire to experience that again. 

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2 hours ago, DaBest said:

Day 248

No VG - 248 days,  no sports news - 4 days, NF -  2 days , SOB - 29 days, NNO59 - 4 days, NIA1030 - 2 days, NLAF - 2 days, NSOC - 1 days, Meditation -  starting after this.

Today was interesting. Woke up to a text from my friend abroad, who wanted a grudge match chess game. I did NOT make the same mistake like last time and went to the gym and physical therapy first. It set a much better tone for the day. I was generally productive today, which was consisting of many errands. However, I found myself longing for more chess afterwards and the easy rewards that would provide. I resisted, but it makes me think I'm playing with fire. I don't necessarily want to give this up though since it's a much tamer way for me to connect with my friend compared to other gaming alternatives.

I also noticed today that I was looking for easy, looking for distraction on the internet, instead of wanting to invest more of the time in me and my personal development. I've gotten a bit more of a taste this year of what it feels like to put hard work in and improve, especially in the gym. I want to train myself to find more joy in doing the hard work for improvement. 

I'm also going to start meditating for 10 minutes a day. I'm going to need it for January, big time. I'm feeling stressed just thinking about it.

Tomorrow I'd like to get to the gym again, go to physical work for a little bit since it's making me so anxious right now, and either (stetch goal) go salsa dancing tomorrow night or at a minimum, spend some time working on charisma or social skills.

---

@Ikar, wholeheartedly agree on all parts, though for the responsibility portion I was more trying to debate how much of a burden I should place on myself for the benefit of society and others. I would not just jump ship without another ship to jump to. I've had that happen before and I have no desire to experience that again. 

Meditation has been very nice. I'm trying to get used to it, but I do recognize how it separates me from thought and gives me time to collect.

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Day 249

No VG - 249 days,  no sports news - 5 days, NF -  3 days , SOB - 30 days, NNO59 - 5 days, NIA1030 - 3 days, NLAF - 3 days, NSOC - 2 days, Meditation -  2 days

30 days getting out of bed with one alarm, fuck yeah. That's probably a day of time/sleep back in my pocket.

Got to the gym again today. Made some progress on a few lifts, and felt completely dead on some others towards the end of the workout. I'm loving this so far. Also, I started supplementing more vitamin D3 based off the information I've been consuming and I feel surprisingly great. When I got my bloodwork done a few months ago, I was on the literal border of what was considered deficient, granted I hadn't taken my vitamin in the morning so as not to skew the test. I spend a lot of time indoors anyway, so I wouldn't be surprised if I was deficient especially at this time of year. I feel much more alert throughout the day and less tired. I also think my muscles are recovering a bit faster, which some of the research indicates is the case if I bring my levels from a deficient to optimal level.

I also will not be salsa dancing tonight since there's a dress-code I can't meet right now, so I listened the first half of a social skills podcast instead. My one takeaway right now is that a lot of the images I identify with hold me back from being a normal functioning human being. For example, I identify too much with my job, which means if work sucks, I suck. If identify with being a loner, and I'm not necessarily without social contact but still alone at that present moment, it means I am a loner and I suck. Cue attention-bandwidth-consuming negative thoughts. 

I will actually do some work from home after dinner as well as finish the podcast so I can complete my goals. 

Goals for tomorrow: gym, tanning, laundry....I mean gym, work for a bit, laundry with a stretch goal of mending a pair of jeans that I've been ignoring for months.

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Day 250

No VG - 250 days, no sports news - 6 days, NF - 4 days, SOB - 31 days, NNO59 - 6 days, NIA1030 - 4 days, NLAF - 4 days,  NSOC - 3 days, Meditation - 2 days, will do after this.

Quick post since I want to get out of my house reasonably quickly. 

Made it to the gym. About to head to work for a few hours and focus on the big tasks I have. Laundry will happen once I get home. 

I've been finding I've been craving the news a bunch recently. It's weird. I think it's boredom at times, avoiding self-improvement the other.

Also, I got a horrible night's sleep. I had maybe a little too much energy before going ot bed, and before I was about to drift off, all of the new year's texts started pouring in, but I'm also on-call, so each text was a potential ping to go into work late at night. I got very stressed out. I kept reminding myself that I now do not identify with my job, and that if I want to do well at my job, its for the sake of my personal growth and the benefit of others.

Also, to that effect. I'm going to be much more protective of my time and focus at work this year. I'm going to literally hide from people so I can get work done. It's gonna be fun.

 

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33 minutes ago, DaBest said:

Day 250

No VG - 250 days, no sports news - 6 days, NF - 4 days, SOB - 31 days, NNO59 - 6 days, NIA1030 - 4 days, NLAF - 4 days,  NSOC - 3 days, Meditation - 2 days, will do after this.

Quick post since I want to get out of my house reasonably quickly. 

Made it to the gym. About to head to work for a few hours and focus on the big tasks I have. Laundry will happen once I get home. 

I've been finding I've been craving the news a bunch recently. It's weird. I think it's boredom at times, avoiding self-improvement the other.

Also, I got a horrible night's sleep. I had maybe a little too much energy before going ot bed, and before I was about to drift off, all of the new year's texts started pouring in, but I'm also on-call, so each text was a potential ping to go into work late at night. I got very stressed out. I kept reminding myself that I now do not identify with my job, and that if I want to do well at my job, its for the sake of my personal growth and the benefit of others.

Also, to that effect. I'm going to be much more protective of my time and focus at work this year. I'm going to literally hide from people so I can get work done. It's gonna be fun.

 

Is there a way for you to filter calls and texts to specific numbers so you don't have experiences like the one you had last night?

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Hey, I’m glad to hear you’re focusing on work even if it means restricting social time . That’ll pare it down to the essentials. Do you meditate daily? I find even ten minutes of seated practice a day helps me with my cravings. 
 

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Day 251

No VG - 251 days, no sports news - 0 days, NF - 5 days, SOB - 32 days, NNO59 - 0 days, NIA1030 - 5 days, NLAF - 5 days,  NSOC - 4 days, Meditation - 3 days, will do after this.

@BooksandTrees, its a good idea, but I wouldn't be allowed to while I'm on call. My phone number is posted for my whole site to see when I'm on call, and I don't necessarily get calls from people I know.

@Erik2.0, I've spent far too much of my life sacrificing my social life for work. I can't tell you how many friendships I ruined in college because of the combination of "working"," procrastinating, and being a neurotic mess as a result of it. I actually started meditating for ten minutes a day earlier this week. I've meditated in the past, but as with many people, I drop the habit when things get rough, which is exactly the opposite of what one should do. It's helpful.

I actually got to work yesterday and pushed a big project forward a little bit, and I was proud of my progress. I did not check email until I needed to send one at the end, and I was more focused and effective as a result of it. The same thing happened this morning. I didn't check my email (besides my schedule) prior to my deep work period at the start of the day. It was probably my most effective two hours of work since starting this job. I was amazed frankly. I felt like I was starting to get chest pains from the stress though, which I had to focus on and detach myself from my job for a moment. 

In the afternoon I had a phone interview with another company. Keeping my options open.

In the late afternoon, I received a very stressful email though. I caved and indulged in news before 5, sports news no less. The last hour of my day was a big fat zero. My stress, which I couldn't show, was a 9.5/10. I'm borderline okay with my actions though, since I didn't lose my shit, and I was able to get to the gym after, and think through things rationally. In the future, I'd like meditation to take the place of what I did. I did realize how powerful and soothing the internet was as I didn't focus on my issue for a good thirty minutes. I was shocked at how noticeable my physiological and psychological state change was. 

I'm very proud I made it to the gym today all things considered. I'm happy I survived today. I'll continue to try manage my stress,  try to manage to detach my identity from my job, and I'll try to manage my downside better.

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On 1/2/2020 at 10:12 PM, DaBest said:

Day 251

No VG - 251 days, no sports news - 0 days, NF - 5 days, SOB - 32 days, NNO59 - 0 days, NIA1030 - 5 days, NLAF - 5 days,  NSOC - 4 days, Meditation - 3 days, will do after this.

@BooksandTrees, its a good idea, but I wouldn't be allowed to while I'm on call. My phone number is posted for my whole site to see when I'm on call, and I don't necessarily get calls from people I know.

@Erik2.0, I've spent far too much of my life sacrificing my social life for work. I can't tell you how many friendships I ruined in college because of the combination of "working"," procrastinating, and being a neurotic mess as a result of it. I actually started meditating for ten minutes a day earlier this week. I've meditated in the past, but as with many people, I drop the habit when things get rough, which is exactly the opposite of what one should do. It's helpful.

I actually got to work yesterday and pushed a big project forward a little bit, and I was proud of my progress. I did not check email until I needed to send one at the end, and I was more focused and effective as a result of it. The same thing happened this morning. I didn't check my email (besides my schedule) prior to my deep work period at the start of the day. It was probably my most effective two hours of work since starting this job. I was amazed frankly. I felt like I was starting to get chest pains from the stress though, which I had to focus on and detach myself from my job for a moment. 

In the afternoon I had a phone interview with another company. Keeping my options open.

In the late afternoon, I received a very stressful email though. I caved and indulged in news before 5, sports news no less. The last hour of my day was a big fat zero. My stress, which I couldn't show, was a 9.5/10. I'm borderline okay with my actions though, since I didn't lose my shit, and I was able to get to the gym after, and think through things rationally. In the future, I'd like meditation to take the place of what I did. I did realize how powerful and soothing the internet was as I didn't focus on my issue for a good thirty minutes. I was shocked at how noticeable my physiological and psychological state change was. 

I'm very proud I made it to the gym today all things considered. I'm happy I survived today. I'll continue to try manage my stress,  try to manage to detach my identity from my job, and I'll try to manage my downside better.

Do you have an emotional way to release stress such as a night out bowling or playing pool with a buddy or two? The gym is perfect for the stress stored in your body, but I have found immense help when I'm telling jokes and making voice and body impressions during the jokes. It's physically, mentally, and emotionally stimulating and clears my mind. Might help with the friend issue as well. It seems you're frustrated you lost friendships due to work unless I misunderstood. 

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Day 252

No VG - 252 days, no sports news - 1 days, NF - 6 days, SOB - 33 days, NNO59 - 1 days, NIA1030 - 6 days, NLAF - 6 days,  NSOC - 5 days, Meditation - 4 days, will do after this.

@BooksandTrees, well...I used to have gaming, haha. In all honesty, the big ones I'm developing now are the gym and meditation. Sometimes I do, but not as often as I'd like. I'm hoping staying consistent with me three hobbies of choice right now (improv, bodybuilding, salsa dancing) will help with that long term. At work stress is also troubling as well, and I'm really hoping the meditation and being able to examine my thoughts from a rational standpoint will help calm me down. My reaction to a stimulus always has a component that I can choose and modulate, and I think there's definite room for improvement. 

As an example, got my stress low this morning by having an awesome first two hours again. Then my stress ramped up again after a meeting regarding the thing from yesterday, which was resolved, and a huge weight felt lifted off my shoulders. Then it ramped up again when it began to dawn on me how far behind I am on a certain project. I also found out some very key people in my company are leaving, people whose absence will negatively impact my performance this year if nothing else changes. At this point, from a strategic and a personal development standpoint, I'm strongly considering a company switch. Overall though today, I think my actions in response to the stress today were a slight improvement. 

Thankfully, I got to see a couple of close friends that I haven't been able to see for a few months. It made me very happy to just chill and hang out. I also got to see my friend's new baby.

Tomorrow my goals are to hit the gym, get a few hours of work done at work, and go salsa dancing again. It's going to be a late start tomorrow since I just got back from my friend's and I need sleep. Meditation and then sleep.

 

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8 hours ago, DaBest said:

Day 252

No VG - 252 days, no sports news - 1 days, NF - 6 days, SOB - 33 days, NNO59 - 1 days, NIA1030 - 6 days, NLAF - 6 days,  NSOC - 5 days, Meditation - 4 days, will do after this.

@BooksandTrees, well...I used to have gaming, haha. In all honesty, the big ones I'm developing now are the gym and meditation. Sometimes I do, but not as often as I'd like. I'm hoping staying consistent with me three hobbies of choice right now (improv, bodybuilding, salsa dancing) will help with that long term. At work stress is also troubling as well, and I'm really hoping the meditation and being able to examine my thoughts from a rational standpoint will help calm me down. My reaction to a stimulus always has a component that I can choose and modulate, and I think there's definite room for improvement. 

As an example, got my stress low this morning by having an awesome first two hours again. Then my stress ramped up again after a meeting regarding the thing from yesterday, which was resolved, and a huge weight felt lifted off my shoulders. Then it ramped up again when it began to dawn on me how far behind I am on a certain project. I also found out some very key people in my company are leaving, people whose absence will negatively impact my performance this year if nothing else changes. At this point, from a strategic and a personal development standpoint, I'm strongly considering a company switch. Overall though today, I think my actions in response to the stress today were a slight improvement. 

Thankfully, I got to see a couple of close friends that I haven't been able to see for a few months. It made me very happy to just chill and hang out. I also got to see my friend's new baby.

Tomorrow my goals are to hit the gym, get a few hours of work done at work, and go salsa dancing again. It's going to be a late start tomorrow since I just got back from my friend's and I need sleep. Meditation and then sleep.

 

Yikes. Sounds similar to a situation I experienced. My advice would be if you like the company aside from those projects with regards to benefits, pay, and work projects themselves then maybe have faith that they'll hire some people to help you. I was able to hel build a new team and relieve people from their stresses because of more qualified people joining. 

But definitely keep your eyes open. You might find another company has an environment you'd thrive within. Your hobbies seem balanced with community and physical growth. That's great. 

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Day 254

No VG - 254 days, no sports news - 3 days, NF - 8 days, SOB - 35 days, NNO59 - 3 days, NIA1030 -  0 days, NLAF - 8 days,  NSOC - 7 days, Meditation - 6 days, will do after this.

@BooksandTrees, I wish they'd hire more people. There's more than enough work to justify it. My company runs very lean though. We also had a huge turnover last year, which is still continuing now. My manager can't do anything short of getting co-ops, interns, and expensive contractors since we are at our max headcount now. I also don't have the authority to hire anyone. 

---

Saturday was weird. I got to the gym and that was about it. I got a very late start on my day--which for me historically is very bad, especially on the weekends--and it kinda spiraled. Didn't do anything except stay up late. 

Today's been a little better. I got up a little earlier, and I didn't waste as much time today, so far, and I've gotten more chores done. I have to bail on my improv show though since I have too much going on with work and I need to get in very early tomorrow. 

I'm feeling very overwhelmed, which also is contributing to my procrastination. I feel overwhelmed often, but this is a lot stronger than usual. I'm also realizing that I fell further behind on some very important projects than I thought I did. I don't see a way to get back now. I keep trying to not associate my identity with my job but it's still strong. 

I also need to stop feeling so overwhelmed in general, and also have a better response to feeling overwhelmed. If I start facing what's causing the feeling more, maybe I can get more done and feel less overwhelmed. Also, if I stop feeling so overwhelmed all the time, I might have less stress and more energy, as well as more desire to do things. 

Nevertheless, I'm starting a job search in earnest at this point, since my company keeps repeatedly stabbing itself in the foot. It's time to learn something new anyway.

 

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Hey, good luck on the job search. Good job at least getting to the gym and with nofap and meditation. Maybe do some yoga to chill

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Day 255

No VG - 255 days, no sports news - 4 days, NF - 9 days, SOB - 36 days, NNO59 - 4 days, NIA1030 -  1 days, NLAF - 9 days,  NSOC - 8 days, Meditation - 7 days, will do after this.

Well, today was fun.

Woke up felt relaxed as heck. Then i thought about work and an immense dread just came washing over me, further reinforcing the need to unfuck my job or get a new one. 

Got to work early. Had another mini-panic attack in my car before getting into the building. I've never experienced stuff like this before. Got my morning deep work session in and got a lot done in a short period of time, but then even when I got to my morning muster, I openly admitted to my whole team that I was severely behind on a major project starting tomorrow, and that I was freaking out a bit. Met with my boss and another co-worker after to triage. I was a little on edge, and I guess I showed it a bit when my co-worker countered and brought up a point in a seemingly antagonistic way--which is not their intent, but simply doesn't notice. Afterwards, they apologized, which they didn't need to because I knew their intent, and I nearly started crying just out of stress and embarrassment. I left and just stood in a infrequently used stairwell for 5 minutes thinking I was going to completely break down. I was able to talk myself into pulling it together, I did not cry, and I got back to work and proceeded to have probably the most productive day in this job to date. Go figure.

To be honest, I really do feel like I'm on a knife's edge right now. I spoke with my therapist today, thankfully, and talking through it, I think this is a combination of handling more responsibility, workload, and reality then I ever have before, and coupled with my strong recent focus of fixing my life, it's just a lot to handle. If I can get through this though, I will be stronger for it. Today, not crying made me stronger. Telling myself I that I can get though things if I just keep moving is a much better story than wanting to hide and ask for a pity party, which part of me has wanted so much in the past. There's less pain when all of your problems are someone else's fault. 

So yeah, roller coaster day again. I'm kinda proud of how much I caught up in a day on this project. I didn't get everything done that I needed to, but I'm surprisingly calm. 

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Day 256

No VG - 256 days, no sports news - 0 days, NF - 10 days, SOB - 37 days, NNO59 - 5 days, NIA1030 -  2 days, NLAF - 10 days,  NSOC - 9 days, Meditation - 8 days, will do after this.

Super tired. Went to bed late even though I had to get up early. It's weird that I do that a lot. Something to keep in mind.

Got to work at 5 AM today. Left at 5:30 PM. I'm a little beat. With contractors today. We made decent progress. Didn't have my deep work window though. Still stressed. Waiting for something to go wrong. 

Once laundry is done. I'm going to bed.

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Day 257

No VG - 257 days, no sports news - 1 days, NF - 11 days, SOB - 38 days, NNO59 - 6 days, NIA1030 -  3 days, NLAF - 11 days,  NSOC - 10 days, Meditation - 9 days, will do after this.

Got a lot more sleep last night. Thank goodness.

Work was okay today, surprisingly. Anxiety has gone way down with just a few deep work sessions. It will all be okay. Hopefully.

Left early today because I got there early and will be there rather early tomorrow. I'm at home early and I'm kinda bored on the computer, which is actually good. I'll probably hop off shortly and work on mobility and some other stuff.

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5 hours ago, DaBest said:

Day 257

No VG - 257 days, no sports news - 1 days, NF - 11 days, SOB - 38 days, NNO59 - 6 days, NIA1030 -  3 days, NLAF - 11 days,  NSOC - 10 days, Meditation - 9 days, will do after this.

Got a lot more sleep last night. Thank goodness.

Work was okay today, surprisingly. Anxiety has gone way down with just a few deep work sessions. It will all be okay. Hopefully.

Left early today because I got there early and will be there rather early tomorrow. I'm at home early and I'm kinda bored on the computer, which is actually good. I'll probably hop off shortly and work on mobility and some other stuff.

Enjoy the boredom while you have this time. Appreciate the moments where you're not stressing and anxious. Compare it to what you've been dealing with at work. I think that will help make you feel better in a strange way. You'll appreciate your time more and find time to work on stuff that is important to you. Wholesome time is great time.

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Day 258

No VG - 258 days, no sports news - 2 days, NF - 12 days, SOB - 39 days, NNO59 - 7 days, NIA1030 -  4 days, NLAF - 12 days,  NSOC - 11 days, Meditation - 10 days, will do after this.

Got a lot done today, but I also had a lot stacked on my plate. Got some big news that a big thing that's supposed to happen at work is getting moved up a couple of weeks. Yay. 

Just chilling right now. Life's kinda mundane again. Maybe that's a good thing for right now. Also, it's weird having this much free time since I haven't been going to the gym this week. Took this week off as a deload since I started to feel really flat when working out. It also means I have to tweak my diet a little too. No biggie.

I'll probably go on Youtube for a bit and just take care of some other stuff tonight. Again, kinda bored on the computer, and I dig it.

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Hey, 

Sounds like you’re enjoying your Deload week. I might be due for one of those next week. You do one about every eight or nine weeks yeah? 
 

It’s good to have things to do to keep ourselves busy. I read books and started doing some creative writing today. I like following bodybuilding people in YouTube hehe 💪. What’re you doing in your down time?
 

God bless

Erik

Edited by Erik2.0
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Day 259

No VG - 259 days, no sports news - 3 days, NF - 13 days, SOB - 40 days, NNO59 - 8 days, NIA1030 -  5 days, NLAF - 13 days,  NSOC - 12 days, Meditation - 11 days, will do after this.

@Erik2.0, I am enjoying it! Well timed too with all the work going on. Actually, it's been about 8 weeks-ish since I started going consistently. I was aiming for a mini-one every fourth week, but I just felt weak and sloppy at the gym last week, and then I noticed I hadn't really taken a deload in 8. And good job on the creative writing! My down time has been a lot of gym, comedy, salsa dancing, and reading. Though this week a lot of that has been minimized cause of work.

---

At work for 13 hours today. Got a lot of critical items done. How the heck I'm I pulling this off? My mom always said I had a knack for pulling a rabbit out of my you-know-where when things get tough. But this is different though. I feel far more relaxed now despite all the stress. I feel more focused, too. It's surreal. 

I'm gonna mediate and go to bed now. I want to get up early tomorrow to hit the gym. I'm going to be very tempted to relax in the morning and get to the gym later, but this is a problem as far as many of my weekends are concerned. As long as I get out early, the biggest hurdle is cleared for my sanity. So many bad habits start when i stay in late, and it spirals out of control. 

Goals for tomorrow: early gym, go to work/hang out with friend, go salsa dancing. 

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Hey Brother, 

I have been finding the same clarity by engaging in exercise in the mornings, and finding going to the gym more exciting and less like a chore required for my well being. I was struggling thinking to myself, that I should be doing something as it is Friday, and you shared with me a great reminder that their is no shame in resting for a amazing day tomorrow. Thank you! What type of work outs are you doing at the gym? Weights? I've been training calisthenics these last 3 weeks and I have really loved both the exercise, the way my body is look and the satisfaction of dedicating my time to chasing my dreams. 

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Day 261

No VG - 261 days, no sports news - 5 days, NF - 0 days, SOB - 42 days, NNO59 - 10 days, NIA1030 -  7 days, NLAF - 15 days,  NSOC - 14 days, Meditation - 13 days, will do after this. [No Internet Saturdays, Post-It Weekends]

@AssellusPrimus, hey, the most important thing is to take care of yourself. Sometimes you just need rest. Admittedly for me, sometimes sleeping in on Friday night is a bit of a cop out, but this last one was legit. I'm in 100% work mode right now. 

I'm doing weights, mobility work, and physical therapy for my back. For the gym, I made a four day upper-lower plan based off of Jeff Nippard's Fundamental Series on YouTube. I've been really happy with the results so far. I'm slapping on more and more weight and I've been mostly injury free. 

---

Weekend was weird. Saturday started off pretty strong. Got to the gym early. Then if I'm being honest, I just felt really overwhelmed with things and just hid on my computer, which is not the thing to do. 

Today followed a similar pattern. Woke up two hours before my alarm, and made the decision to read in bed. Got really into the book and knocked out 100+ pages in two hours (not a hard read). Then I began to slip some more, had a relapse, and only after that, once the time constraints started to hit, did I start to do anything productive. This was not another one of my classic rock-bottom weekends, but it wasn't a bright one either. 

Overwhelm was the theme of the week really. Overwhelm at work with two weeks worth of contractors, plus a big week-long thing I need to help with after. Overwhelm with simple chores, which really I should not get overwhelmed about. Overwhelm with social life, or lack thereof. Overwhelm with trying to be too perfect with everything. 

A lot of the negativity this weekend could have been avoided. First, the work I did at work took all of two hours today, and it really could've taken one if I were focused. A lot of the chores that I did do (and the ones that I didn't) could've been bulldozed through if I had just stopped acting so weak and just focused. 

WIth all that in mind, I'm going to be making a few changes this week.

1) No internet on Saturdays unless I'm physically at work, getting directions, or looking up social events. This is drastic and I'm freaking out about it a little bit, and because I'm freaking out about it, it means it's probably a good thing for me. I felt similarly when I was giving up video games and associated content last year. Thankfully though, this is one day a week and not seven, so it's not like I'm going to be on edge for the whole week. Ultimately, the goal of this is to bring me closer to reality, which I avoid frequently.

2) No reading in bed in the morning unless I've gotten ready for the day. Earlier start to the day makes me happier and my weekends go better. It also reduces the chance of a relapse.

3) On all days off, writing the three to five things which make me feel most anxious about my day, and putting the first two hours of my day to which of those items would help me be most productive/tackle the most anxiety, even OVER the gym (unless the gym is making me feel anxious). I started doing this at work this past week, and despite the workload, it's been the calmest and most productive I've felt at work since I first started the job. 

I will hopefully get to see my therapist tomorrow, barring any craziness at work. I do want to address this overwhelm I feel and where it comes from. Little things become so catastrophic that I stop acting. It has to stop. 

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29 minutes ago, DaBest said:

Day 261

No VG - 261 days, no sports news - 5 days, NF - 0 days, SOB - 42 days, NNO59 - 10 days, NIA1030 -  7 days, NLAF - 15 days,  NSOC - 14 days, Meditation - 13 days, will do after this. [No Internet Saturdays, Post-It Weekends]

@AssellusPrimus, hey, the most important thing is to take care of yourself. Sometimes you just need rest. Admittedly for me, sometimes sleeping in on Friday night is a bit of a cop out, but this last one was legit. I'm in 100% work mode right now. 

I'm doing weights, mobility work, and physical therapy for my back. For the gym, I made a four day upper-lower plan based off of Jeff Nippard's Fundamental Series on YouTube. I've been really happy with the results so far. I'm slapping on more and more weight and I've been mostly injury free. 

---

Weekend was weird. Saturday started off pretty strong. Got to the gym early. Then if I'm being honest, I just felt really overwhelmed with things and just hid on my computer, which is not the thing to do. 

Today followed a similar pattern. Woke up two hours before my alarm, and made the decision to read in bed. Got really into the book and knocked out 100+ pages in two hours (not a hard read). Then I began to slip some more, had a relapse, and only after that, once the time constraints started to hit, did I start to do anything productive. This was not another one of my classic rock-bottom weekends, but it wasn't a bright one either. 

Overwhelm was the theme of the week really. Overwhelm at work with two weeks worth of contractors, plus a big week-long thing I need to help with after. Overwhelm with simple chores, which really I should not get overwhelmed about. Overwhelm with social life, or lack thereof. Overwhelm with trying to be too perfect with everything. 

A lot of the negativity this weekend could have been avoided. First, the work I did at work took all of two hours today, and it really could've taken one if I were focused. A lot of the chores that I did do (and the ones that I didn't) could've been bulldozed through if I had just stopped acting so weak and just focused. 

WIth all that in mind, I'm going to be making a few changes this week.

1) No internet on Saturdays unless I'm physically at work, getting directions, or looking up social events. This is drastic and I'm freaking out about it a little bit, and because I'm freaking out about it, it means it's probably a good thing for me. I felt similarly when I was giving up video games and associated content last year. Thankfully though, this is one day a week and not seven, so it's not like I'm going to be on edge for the whole week. Ultimately, the goal of this is to bring me closer to reality, which I avoid frequently.

2) No reading in bed in the morning unless I've gotten ready for the day. Earlier start to the day makes me happier and my weekends go better. It also reduces the chance of a relapse.

3) On all days off, writing the three to five things which make me feel most anxious about my day, and putting the first two hours of my day to which of those items would help me be most productive/tackle the most anxiety, even OVER the gym (unless the gym is making me feel anxious). I started doing this at work this past week, and despite the workload, it's been the calmest and most productive I've felt at work since I first started the job. 

I will hopefully get to see my therapist tomorrow, barring any craziness at work. I do want to address this overwhelm I feel and where it comes from. Little things become so catastrophic that I stop acting. It has to stop. 

I hear you with the overwhelming feeling. I worked 60 hours last week and had no time for hobbies and canceled all my plans I had with friends. It really made me feel sad. I was watching tons of porn to get through it all and I crashed hard as you've now read about my Friday night and Saturday morning. 

Sometimes you need those days to sit and do nothing just to recover. I wonder if there's a better way to recover. Say you have one of these stressful weeks and they keep coming. Have you tried going to the gym like normal, eating, then just scheduling a massage in the afternoon? I'm going to do this and really enjoy it. It gets you out of the house, in the hands and care of another person, and you're left in tranquility for over an hour. Then treat yourself to a good meal. Don't get any crap or fast food. Just get a meal you never make for yourself that isn't a cheat meal. You want to feel good after it, not bloated. Some kind of special meal that costs $30 bucks. This is an expensive way that I recommend maybe 5 times a year tops, but it has long lasting effects of over two months for me. It kind of resets my mind. I'm able to start seeing friends more afterwards and not sit in the house masturbaing, watching Youtube and repeating. 

I'd try experimenting with different forms of self care. I also think you need a less stressful community to hang out at and just socialize regarding the activity. I know you do improv and stuff. Is there a more laid back thing you could do like table-top figurines, board games, card games, drawing, or even a few friends to exercise with? 

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