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About AssellusPrimus

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  1. Wednesday 22/01/2020 - Day 2 Made it to Day 2. I need to make a note to self that it becomes so much easier to not game after the first initial day of relapsing. Today I woke up early and repaired my vehicle, then went to get a massage as I continued to have trouble sleeping. I had read that a massage might remedy the situation, though I tried to have a nap with little luck. Productivity was very low today because I am feeling really exhausted, so my intention is to keep the journal short, and make a quick call to a friend who I was scheduled to talk to today.
  2. Tuesday 21/1/2020 - Day 1 Today is day one without gaming. This is an accomplishment in a way as I haven't had a day without gaming for the last 7 days. I had to fight for this victory and had an urge to game earlier this evening which I overcame by going to the gym and exercising. I had a terrible sleep last night falling asleep at 3am and forcing myself to wake up at 8am, this was very difficult for me, and the reasons for my recent insomnia is unknown. I am really hoping that I can fall asleep right away tonight as I am starting to feel the toll that comes from a lack of sleep in my body. This morning I cooked some excellent meals for myself and continued on my quest of seeking a therapist for my gaming addiction, I received a quote and wasn't to surprised to find the cost of therapy to range from 150$ to $200 a session, these numbers certainly discouraged me but I am looking for alternative methods of payments as well as other online resources that provided more affordable options. It frustrates me to think that other black youth, minorities and persons living near poverty, such as my brother who come from homes where affording professional treatment would be impossible are really, remain chained to systems which oppress them. Unfortunately, only the rich and middle class would be able to receive professional treatment. This made me think about the amount of minority groups present in forums and social groups regarding game addiction and I think these groups of people are and will be the last persons to access supports and resources. Guess I felt like ranting and feeling sorry for myself, its my journal I can do that. I won't drag it out today as I am exahusted and want to put myself to bed as early as possible to try and regain some mana before my day starts tomorrow. ...zzzZZZ
  3. Monday - 2020, January, 20th I've decided I am going to use this journal as my primary journal over the next 90 days and possibly longer, as previously I used a journal for game quitters but also a journal for my personal thoughts. I made this decision as I think it would be beneficial to have others contribute to my thought processes, and to reduce the hassle of trying to manage and censor two different journals, this is it. This is the raw deal. I am hoping from this decision to let go of the fear of not being enough and simply being who I am, and additionally I hope my successes and failures might contribute to support someone else life in a good way. Since January 13th, I have been gaming every single day, mostly at night which has interrupted my sleep patterns causing me to wake up late, with little motivation or intentions for the day. During this binge, I have also been smoking greater quantities of marijuana, though yesterday I stopped by disposing of any left overs (by smoking it... ugh). Since weed was legalized in Canada, I have found enjoyment and relief in smoking CBD, but have noticed increasingly over time, I am smoking more frequently and with higher concentrations of THC. Recognizing the signs of addiction, I stopped thankfully with enough time to still be able to manage the cravings, though I am a sure they were managed by my gaming addiction. I had finally had enough courage to come clean to my partner about my addiction, these last two weeks I have been neglecting the relationship and today when she told me she wanted to come live with me, instead of embracing the idea, thought of reasons why it wouldn't work because I was scared I would have to change, and I don't know who I am without this label as gaming addict. I had fear should she know who I am, and my own challenges I wouldn't be enough and she would leave me. She didn't know this and felt maybe the relationship is not working if I don't want to spend our lives together (we are in a long distance relationship Canada and Ecuador so living together was the next step). I realized that I can't hide my most recent relapse anymore because it was going to destroy our relationship so I came clean and shared everything, I told her about my late night binges, how I had fear about her leaving me if she new and most of all how I while I would love to say this is all going to go way, I am failing miserably at coming up with a long term solution for this addiction. She told me she loves me, as an addict, and that she wants to support me so I need to be open and honest because she can now understand whats going on. I am so grateful for her. I think the next step is professional addiction counselling, I have tried a number of times to come up with solutions on my own and failed for 8 years, growing up in poverty I could never justify spending 100 a session on therapy, I don't know many people who can? Will it even work? Who knows, if anyone has tried it I would love to hear your thoughts, suggestions? Is there a particular type of therapy that works best? Should it be gaming specific or just addictions in general, as I know its not just gaming that I have a problem with, but a number of different addictive behaviors such as porn, marijuana, anything that gets a dopamine rush. That's all for the journal today, pretty much a brain dump of the last few weeks as I have been failing to follow through with my journaling, I just wanted to say a big thanks to everyone who comments on my journal as it really motivates me, I am going to try to be more active on the forum and comment on the journals of others, sometimes I just don't know where to start.
  4. Day 1 - Relaspe! Wow guys, I think today might have been the first time that I am able to acknowledge the benefits of the journal. I have really been struggling these couple days, and when I struggle I realize I lose focus on the goal and all my prior motivations, its like they all disappear and I am left lost until I find something that resembles my previous of motivation and grab on to them. Taking the time today to read through the journal made me realize that it does get better and I don't always feel this way, and that when I am not gaming I do feel good, and most of all satisfied with my life (most of the time). Heres too not smoking weed tonight and playing video games!
  5. Day 1 XGaming - Day 1, XFap- Day 2, XSmoking - Day 0 I am proud of myself to containing my relaspe to only one day. Sometimes it takes me weeks to be ready to have another go at quitting, a time in which I usually, refrain from sharing in my journal because of shame, as I know I should be trying harder. One think I will try to commit to this year is writing despite whether or not I relapse. Today, I started the morning a bit later than usual as I was tired from last night. I still managed to study some programming, and prepare all my meals before work. Tomorrow I will am to wake up earlier around 8, complete some of my homework from university, work on coding, and take my car to shop as im having some issues with it. I also will try to start a no fap and Quit Smoking Streak along with my decision to quit gaming.
  6. Day 12 = Relaspe Well Sunday came around and I relapsed, I was at the library working on some coding, and using the promodoro technique and I got the urge to game. Thinking about it, it came before yesterday, I felt it when I went to my siblings house and he was playing, I got caught up in hype. Thankfully, this is probably my most successful relapse, as normally I use the excuse of relapse to countine to play, until it gets really bad and my life is falling apart, but I will take a new approach, I have already uninstalled and I am ready to countine where I left off starting Monday. I really stuggle with develop some sort of routine for the weekends.
  7. Day 11 I really feel the urge pulling me tonight, it alone at my house, nothing really to do for the next 3 hours. It seems so harmless, I am struggling with ways to cope, looking for minigames on my phone, but nothing really satisfies me like the rush I get playing my own game. It didnt help that I went to see my siblings today and he was playing such a great game, some really incredible plays, i had to fight really hard not to download steam when i turned on my laptop. So here I am stuck... knowing it wouldn't be so bad if I played in moderation... yet knowing I am unable to play in moderations, ive tried for years. Perhaps these are the moments, which make a break, a person and mold them into the people they want to be. Truth is I wouldn't know because I never choose to push forward... so today when I finish my day I will learn what it feels like to continue to hold a commitment to oneself. I can for one more day...
  8. Day 10 I feel very inspired reading the posts today. To be quite honest I have been struggling, last night was up until 2am in the morning, browsing the internet and playing some reading games on my phone. It seems, I have smoking more at night before bed and it has been keeping me up. This causes me to sleep later and really throws off my goals in the morning not to mention leaving me feeling like shit. I'm looking forward to the weekend to recover. Work has been going great, and I prepared all my meals today, which was good cause I had eaten out twice in the last two days. Now that the weekend is here I have a lot of unstructured time. I plan on working out, seeing family, cleaning my home, and practicing 6 hours of programming.
  9. Hey Brother, I have been finding the same clarity by engaging in exercise in the mornings, and finding going to the gym more exciting and less like a chore required for my well being. I was struggling thinking to myself, that I should be doing something as it is Friday, and you shared with me a great reminder that their is no shame in resting for a amazing day tomorrow. Thank you! What type of work outs are you doing at the gym? Weights? I've been training calisthenics these last 3 weeks and I have really loved both the exercise, the way my body is look and the satisfaction of dedicating my time to chasing my dreams.
  10. Hey Dave, Welcome to the forums, nice to see another 27 year old Canadian as well! Day 10 for me, I find the weekends difficult, especially Friday nights like today. Looking forward to following your journey, and finding inspiration in your success! I feel this age is a beautiful time to evolve and use the additional time to develop and challenge ourselves to become the person we want tos see looking back at us in the mirror! Lets change our lives!
  11. Day 9 Had a great day today, noticing the cravings are dissapearing and I actually find a distaste for it. I feel like the reason for this is the new purpose I have given to my life. I have created a plan and really focused in on it, and instead of using my time escaping, I am engaged in the lifestyle i am trying to create for myself. Its easy to see how a laspe in the right mentallity or negitive thoughts could create a spiral. I think thats why people take about momentum and how important it is. Lets keep the ball rolling as we come to day 10!
  12. Day 8 Yesterday was a good, day, I always enjoy Mondays as I am back to work, I haven't had much trouble with cravings, though I am noticing I am having trouble getting to bed. I am finding myself smoking cannabis a bit more than I normally would, and these effects are keeping me up browsing my sleep at night. I have been of my behavior over the last few days, and monitoring it, and I know that I could feel more rested and more energetic in the morning if I moved away from this night ritual. @BooksandTrees Congratulations i am sure that was a difficult challenge, I really admire those who complete the days, I hope you can continue to share your tips and wisdom to support those of us on our way there 🙂 I also started carrying a notepad around, which has been really amazing, as I never forget anything anymore and can always look back on ideas I had this morning to ponder them further. I am gonna try and be more open with my goals, approach to self-improvement, moving forward as I invite both critics and compliments. My goals for 2020 have been broken into 6 main categories which directly effect my life. I know there is alot on the list, but with the some 1000 hours I spent last year gaming and small tweaks to my habits, i feel most of them can be accomplished. Health 1. Improve Diet 2. Improve Quality of Sleep – Develop a Consistent Sleep Schedule that meets your personal needs. 3. Address Anterior Pelvic Tilt 4. Free yourself from Addiction 5. Research Holistic ADHD Treatments 6. improve Habits 7. Improve Mental Health 8. Exercise Daily Education 1. More Reading 2. Finish School 3. Learn Spanish 4. Study Naturopathy 5. Learn to Shave 6. Learn to Cook 7. Learn to Program 8. Build Skills on Guitar Finance 1. Investments 2. Debt Free 3. Become Financially Educated 4. Live with a Budget 5. Have a Money Mentor 6. Increase Income 7. Emergency Savings Work 1. Earn 100k 2. First Job in Programing 3. Launch Startup 4. Begin Producing Content 5. Start a Business Social 1. Travel with Wifey 2. Meet New Friends 3. Maintain Relationships 4. Connect with Family 5. Strengthen Sibling Relations 6. Married Spiritual 1. Vision Quest 2. Reconnect with God 3. Medicine Ceremonies 4. Learn Medicine Songs 5. Meditation 6. Develop a relationship with Cannabis 7. Discover Spiritual Teacher 8. Explore my Individual Spirituality
  13. Day 7 The first successful week went by, unfortunately, I have been keeping myself busy and haven't had a whole lot of time to post. I have been really focused on cooking, and exercising as well as tackling a number of goals on my list for 2020. These include working on my sleep health, diet, exercise, mental health, education, budgeting, pretty much a full 360. @DaBest Thanks for you post. I think you touched on what I was getting at, support systems like AA which are in-person, I think would be highly beneficial for supporting this gaming addicts. One of the biggest challenges I face and I am no I am not the only one is sharing your pain, and struggle. Gaming addicts don't receive the same response or have the same supports in places as say alcoholics and drug addicts, but as we can see from the numerous posts, lives are equally disrupted. I know it's my responsible and mine only to make the change, but if I had a million dollars I would spend it on connecting addicts and none addicts, sharing there stories and publicly (Game Quitters is doing a great job of this). I've been actually thinking about creating a meetup group for Game Quitters and maybe running it in a similar style to AA, or at least collaborating with them to develop some kind of trial program. Thanks for sharing ideas, I would love to create a brain dump of solutions, as I do feel called to do something about this, as i am watching my younger brother begin to tread down this dark road and I need to be an example to him. @DaBest
  14. Day 2 New Years Was really nice to reflect on my New Years Goals and I realize I have so much shit I would like to accomplish, none of which I can do if I spend all of my accomplishing time, doing the same repetitive mistakes over and over again. I have resolved to keep myself busy doing a number of different number of challenges which are focused on improving my overall quality of life. I must also remember to include activities in my life that I find relaxing and that can help me distress so that I don't feel that life is just a serious of accomplishments.
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