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DaBest

DaBest's Journey For Self-Discipline

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Thanks, @Erik2.0, and all very sound advice. The gym has been helping on days when I go. At some point I will need to redevelop a meditation habit. It's been a while.

Day 229

No VG - 229 days, journaling - 5 days left, no sports news - 44 days, NF - 9 days, SOB - 10 days, NNO59 - 16 days, NIA1030 - 12 days left

Small amendment to no internet after 1030, journaling is considered acceptable. I don't want the two habits competing against one another should I get home late like today. I also wouldn't want to influence my decisions on whether or not I go to the gym.

Today was much calmer, but still a slog. Caught some breaks today. Hit the gym after. I could live there if my body would tolerate it. It's really starting to get addictive, FINALLY! I just need to make sure I do it right this time and stay injury free.

I also had a fun incident today where I sheared off the rubber on one of my windshield wipers since I didn't get all the ice off. I got a new one after work and spent about an hour figuring out how to remove the old one (not OEM!) and 2 minutes to install the new one. I'm just happy I learned something new and that no one offered to help and destroy my manhood!!! (Just kidding...)

Stressing a little bit over the internet curfew. It did definitely influence ,my decision to do this last. I may need to tweak some more after this week or next. We shall see if the positive changes are there.

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Day 230

No VG - 230 days, journaling - 4 days left, no sports news - 45 days, NF - 10 days, SOB - 11 days, NNO59 - 17 days, NIA1030 - 11 days left

Work's been busy--made me feel sick. Got to the gym again today--made me feel better. 

Going to bed now. Dishes are piling up a bit but so is my sleep debt. I can take care of some in the morning and some in the evening. I have to go out tomorrow night for a while to see a friend's show. Should be fun. 

Kept all my habits today as well. NoFap was difficult.

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Day 233

No VG - 233 days, journaling - missed a few, up for another seven, no sports news - 48 days, NF - 13 days, SOB - 14 days, NNO59 - 20 days, NIA1030 - reset, 13 days left

Missed a couple of days of journaling. Friday I went to see a friend's play that they were starring in, so I got back very late. I really enjoyed the show, especially my friend's performance. He really killed it. 

Saturday was a bit of a backslide. I didn't get out to go salsa dancing since I was making the excuse that my apartment looked like a mess. I didn't really clean up much, and to top it all off, I mistakenly went past my internet limit. Once I realized I made a mistake, I pretty much stopped caring and went to NumbTown. Stayed up kind of late too, but by no means my worst backslide. I think it was the stress of last week and my body not handling it well. In a way, it wasn't good, but that might be one of the few times where I truly needed that. In the future, I need better ways of managing that stress throughout the week so I don't get to that point again. I was almost feeling ill at work on Friday just from the work. 

On the bright side, Saturday and Sunday I got to the gym and I think I figured out my back pain. Tight psoas muscles. I spent time during the intermission of my friends show reading about the biomechanics and functionality and it made sense with my specific symptoms. All I did at the start of my workouts was lying on a kettlebell and sometimes moving my leg a bit, and the pain went away almost instantly. Now if I bend forward, I still can't touch my toes again without a lot of warming up, but all of the strain transferred from my lower back to my hamstrings, which is way better for things like putting on socks and shoes. Even my hips feel a bit better. Sitting will flare things up again though, so I need to be mindful of that. Also, there are some residual pains still, and they feel more acute and stabby, but very minor, and only when sitting. I still have a lot more work to do on my legs and hips, and I still have to figure out why my hamstrings got so insanely tight if my psoas loosened. Though they might not be related...I'll figure it out.

On that note though, I'm actually pretty proud I figured it out on my own. The physical therapist and orthopedic surgeon never brought that up, and it's hard for them to reach that point  because they have hundreds of other patients, so it's not like they can take hours to diagnose me. Really, that's on me to figure out (which is kind of messed up when you think about it.) I don't have a background in anatomy and muscle function, so being able to research all of that and figure it out was very cool. 

And with regards to the workouts I have been able to do, I am still gaining strength, which is fun. It's been almost two months now, but I am starting to see some gains. I've put on about 5 lbs too. All I really care about though is the strength, and not getting injured--the gains will happen if I keep progressing in both ways. 

Therapy tomorrow. New habit will be no laptop while eating at the table.

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This is great motivation. My 2 cents on the NF : walking a lot (cardio exercise in general) combined with removing fat pastries from the diet and cutting down on meat work amazingly well.

I learned this when I fasted- fasting also remarkably puts these cravings in check.

Add to that guarding your gaze and you have the best self control.

 

Edited by Amphibian220
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"Really, that's on me to figure out (which is kind of messed up when you think about it.) I don't have a background in X, Y, Z, so being able to research all of that and figure it out was very cool."

Sounds a lot like life with that small change I made. Good job!

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Day 234

No VG - 234 days, journaling - 6 days left, no sports news - 49 days, NF - 14 days!!!, SOB - 15 days, NNO59 - 21 days, NIA1030 - 12 days left, No Laptop and Food - 13 days left.

@Alexanderle glad you're motivated! This also might be a bit strange, but I personally don't mind the natural horniness--I just want to be in control of it and use that energy for everything. It also really helps motivate me to get out. If anything, I want more cravings, just not for masturbation.

@Ikar, aha! I see what you did there! That's a very positive and productive way of looking at things, and definitely a better alternative frame for some of the hangups I'm currently having. I dig it.

---

The deluge started within 5 minutes of getting to work today. I think I'm getting slightly better at dealing with people's BS and detaching. Also, I realized am much better with handling negativity over email than in person. Tone sets me off. I need to get better at that, which I think will come in time as I like myself more.

Had therapy afterwards. It was good to get some things off my chest. We talked a bit about my long post from last week with the comments my boss made. I think I'm a little more accepting and appreciative of the compliment now. We also reflected a bit on this year. This year, hands down, is the year I spent the most in reality. I've spent years ignoring that and responsibility, and this year I took on heaps of both. Somehow, I survived. I've grown a ton this year. And my internet usage is a lot closer to how I want it to look like at this point. If I am on the internet while I'm at home, much more of it is going to improving my life/my hobbies, and much less of it is going to numbing myself, though that still does happen. I've toned down the numbing which was RAMPANT at the beginning of the year. Paying attention to the real world freaking hurts in the present, but in the long run it hurts less as the rewards are greater. I actually felt kind of proud when we went over this since I hadn't given it much thought. 

And today starts the aforementioned new habit of no laptop + food. Back when I was in super-internet-binge mode, I had a habit loop where I'd get something to eat, start watching YouTube (especially esports this year), get distracted for several hours, realize I'm hungry, get food, but because I need my laptop when I eat, go back to watching YouTube, aaaaaand repeat for 16 hours. This happens to a smaller extent now, particularly because of the other controls that are in place, but it takes me away from being present and does send me down similar, yet smaller loops from time to time. This will help me get even more of my time back, which is the thread which connects all of those habits.

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Hey, good job no fapping that’s hard to do. I’m working on that as well. And also taking in your bosses praise is good too. Your post makes me want to go see my therapist haha

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Day 235

No VG - 235 days, journaling - 5 days left, no sports news - 50 days, NF - 15 days, SOB - 16 days, NNO59 - 22 days, NIA1030 - 11 days left, NLAF - 12 days left, No Sleeping on the Couch - 7 days left

Got through today at work. Felt a little more positive today about the future, but that ebbed and flowed a bit. Maybe it was because of the Tim Ferriss podcast I was listening to on my way in. 

Went to a new gym today. My old one is closing. It's a chain, so I can go to all the others that are in the area. Ran across a co-worker there of all people, and we chatted for a bit, which was cool since I don't see many co-workers outside of work. Actually got a leg workout in for the first time in about two weeks due to back pain issues. I was a little tight from sitting so much today, but I tell you what, that kettlebell just relaxes my back like nothing else. 

Got home, got another load of laundry in during the midweek to take stress off the weekend. Need to do some dishes. 

And most importantly, I'm kinda bored with the internet today for some reason, and I'm finding it easy to stop early tonight.

Finally, I am instituting another habit this week, no sleeping on my couch before going to bed at night. I've been nodding off quite a bit recently. It's not good for my back or hygiene (as I usually don't brush my teeth until I wake up), nor is it good for my sleep quality. I got kind of fed up after last night about that. 

Anyway, like I said, off early tonight. Show tomorrow too! Goodnight y'all.

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You’ve inspired me tonight. 

I wasnt falling asleep for some reason and my first emotions to discomfort were: you need a fix (yes, the addiction fix). Am staying away from that by examining this feeling and understanding the reason. I guess under discomfort, the organism is looking for the quickest way out. Haven’t played for 6 years and haven’t watched game streams for like 2-3 months.

 

i will turn away from the trap by engaging myself in something new: collecting a puzzle. Will report in soon.

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Good stuff @Amphibian220. Keep fighting the good fight.

Day 237

No VG - 237 days, journaling - 3 days left, no sports news - 53 days, NF - 17 days, SOB - 18 days, NNO59 - 24 days, NIA1030 - 9 days left, NLAF - 10 days left, NSOC - 5 days left

Really long day. Mad tired. Still got to the gym AND did Christmas shopping. Up late on my computer but I was actually working. All habits kept today.

My house is a huge mess at this point. I'm going to need some time this weekend to clean it. 

I need to learn to reduce my stress at work and learn how to be energized at my work no matter what. Responsibility is hard.

I'm rambling 'cause I'm tired.

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DaBest

In my first full time job I was falling behind and getting nervous and initially I thought its because I lack strength, endurance etc.

However I observed colleagues who were given just as much work and they reacted to criticism coming from management.

They were emotionally naming reasons why they were falling behind (like buggy CRM software that forced you to repeat certain operations because they weren’t saved, not enough time, not enough instruction). This emotional release made them more resistant to stress, managers understood them and were with them on what is going on.

 

Me being quiet made me feel like some guilty person who is “at fault” for not hitting targets. It was bizzare. Setting expectations straight and being concise and clear on obstacles etc can get managers to listen to you and actually help.

Edited by Amphibian220

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Day 240

No VG - 240 days, journaling - 1 day left, no sports news - 56 days, NF -  2 days , SOB - 21 days, NNO59 - 27 days, NIA1030 - 6 days left, NLAF - 7 days left, NSOC - 2 days left

@Amphibian220, that's not a terrible idea. My boss is definitely in the know about this--he admitted to me recently he didn't manage my workload well at all--but he keeps throwing more at me because I think he just forgets and that we have a ton of stuff to do. I still get nervous though since I think I can still do better, and that I don't feel like I have much to show for the past year.

---

Been a busy couple of nights. Had a show on Friday, which went very well. However, I had a mini panic attack on the ride in while I was reading Tim Ferriss's Four Hour Workweek, in an attempt to unfuck my job. I had to stop reading the book simply because it was making me think of work. After the show, I had a true panic attack in my freaking sleep. I had a dream I was driving around the city I live by back and forth, trying to get things done. There was so much to do, and I was going so fast that I started missing turns. Then I completely fucking panicked and started driving in circles in an intersection, ultimately crashing. At this point I really well and truly was in the middle of a panic attack (which by the way, I've never experienced before). I woke up abruptly, and started hallucinating an orb of light and weird wavy stuff around my room. It was weird. Sleep shouldn't be like that. I also ended up breaking my NoFap streak because even before that, my sleep was terrible as I was drinking that night, and I just chilled in bed. I'll be more mindful of that in the future.

Yesterday I hit the gym and had another show, which went decently well. I felt much calmer.

Today is even more improv, practice + watching a show. Tomorrow, I'm leaving for home for a couple of days, I'll try and continue to post. 

 

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1 hour ago, DaBest said:

Day 240

No VG - 240 days, journaling - 1 day left, no sports news - 56 days, NF -  2 days , SOB - 21 days, NNO59 - 27 days, NIA1030 - 6 days left, NLAF - 7 days left, NSOC - 2 days left

@Amphibian220, that's not a terrible idea. My boss is definitely in the know about this--he admitted to me recently he didn't manage my workload well at all--but he keeps throwing more at me because I think he just forgets and that we have a ton of stuff to do. I still get nervous though since I think I can still do better, and that I don't feel like I have much to show for the past year.

---

Been a busy couple of nights. Had a show on Friday, which went very well. However, I had a mini panic attack on the ride in while I was reading Tim Ferriss's Four Hour Workweek, in an attempt to unfuck my job. I had to stop reading the book simply because it was making me think of work. After the show, I had a true panic attack in my freaking sleep. I had a dream I was driving around the city I live by back and forth, trying to get things done. There was so much to do, and I was going so fast that I started missing turns. Then I completely fucking panicked and started driving in circles in an intersection, ultimately crashing. At this point I really well and truly was in the middle of a panic attack (which by the way, I've never experienced before). I woke up abruptly, and started hallucinating an orb of light and weird wavy stuff around my room. It was weird. Sleep shouldn't be like that. I also ended up breaking my NoFap streak because even before that, my sleep was terrible as I was drinking that night, and I just chilled in bed. I'll be more mindful of that in the future.

Yesterday I hit the gym and had another show, which went decently well. I felt much calmer.

Today is even more improv, practice + watching a show. Tomorrow, I'm leaving for home for a couple of days, I'll try and continue to post. 

 

Definitely find some time to relax or try some deep breathing. I just had an instance where I was not sleeping well and tried masturbation before bed and it just made me watch porn like 5 times and I got more angry. I am just starting to try more deep breathing and detaching from my thoughts in a logical way. My work is also overwhelming with deadlines and it caused me to get 2 hours of sleep on Thursday, but I countered it on Friday by having a productive day, communicating with coworkers about the issues I'm facing, solved them, and then practiced detached thoughts and mindfulness. I also gave myself all of yesterday to be alone, get empty, and just relax my mind. I was angry because I didn't do any hobbies yesterday, but today I've done 3 hours of hobbies because of the added mental peace I gained from healing yesterday.

I wish you luck.

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@DaBest

Hey, 

Sorry you restarted on nofap. I did that too! I'm on day 2 now. Good to hear you're still hitting the gym bro! I'm trying out a three day split so I can try for a fourth day with a yoga class. My sleep has been crazy too. I wake up in the middle of the night every night for some reason. Even if I'm in bed twelve hours I am still tired all day. Hoping to see some help from Doctor for this. How many days do you workout? Getting any cardio or yoga/stretching in? Congrats on your show going well. 

Stay funny,

Erik

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@BooksandTrees I can completely feel where you're coming from. I think meditation is going to be my new habit that I pick up, starting next Monday. Was listening to a podcast between Tim Ferriss and Sam Harris today and it got me hyped up again about meditation.

@Erik2.0, nbd on the NoFap. It's still progress. I'm masturbating a lot less and its saved me a bunch of time and energy. I'm averaging 3-4 days a week at the gym, 4 being the minimum goal. I've been increasing the amount of stretching I do outside of the gym for my back problems recently. 

Just curious, have you gotten your blood checked recently (esp. for thyroid issues) or have been diagnosed with depression? Those can cause long sleep sessions. 

Day 244

No VG - 244 days,  no sports news - 0 days, NF -  6 days , SOB - 25 days, NNO59 - 0 days, NIA1030 - 1 day, NLAF - 3 days left, NSOC - 4 days

Just got back from my folks. Was a very busy Christmas, but it was nice to spend time with them. Unfortunately, my internet habits kind of went to the wayside while I was there, but it wasn't as bad as past experiences. That's progress in a weird way. Tomorrow I'm starting fresh. This was also nice because breaking all the habits reminded me what little value I gained in doing so--usually it's just to deal with boredom or anxiety.

I'm feeling energized after visiting my family and nearly finishing The Four Hour Workweek by Tim Ferriss. I usually feel more energized to perform better and live better after spending time around loved ones. It's motivation for me to get my life together. 

My three big goals for tomorrow are to get to the gym, clean the heck out of my apartment, and go salsa dancing. 

I'm feeling motivated. I'm gonna go to bed early.

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1 hour ago, DaBest said:

@BooksandTrees

Day 244

No VG - 244 days,  no sports news - 0 days, NF -  6 days , SOB - 25 days, NNO59 - 0 days, NIA1030 - 1 day, NLAF - 3 days left, NSOC - 4 days

 Tomorrow I'm starting fresh. This was also nice because breaking all the habits reminded me what little value I gained in doing so--usually it's just to deal with boredom or anxiety.

Strongly disagree. You dont know how far you’ve advanced, dont discount or devalue your efforts. “A lot is lost for lack of a little extra effort”

The feelings lag behind your actual state a lot. I can prove it easily: Did you understand things were getting bad during gaming ? No, maybe when it was glaringly obvious now. You are changing to become a purposeful, responsible and self-sufficient person and your feelings will lag behind your actual state again. Read the celebratory post “one year after”, It has good insights.

Edited by Amphibian220
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13 hours ago, DaBest said:

The Four Hour Workweek by Tim Ferriss

I remember I picked this book up on Christmas 2017 after I had finished Awaken the Giant Within by Tony Robbins, which was the first book I read after leaving high school. I never finished 4HW though. What are your thoughts on it?

11 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

The feelings lag behind your actual state a lot. I can prove it easily: Did you understand things were getting bad during gaming ? No, maybe when it was glaringly obvious now.

I like that idea. Thanks for sharing it, I had to remind myself of that as well.

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Day 245

No VG - 245 days,  no sports news - 1 days, NF -  7 days , SOB - 26 days, NNO59 - 1 days, NIA1030 - 2 day, NLAF - 4 days left, NSOC - 5 days

@Amphibian220. When I meant I was starting fresh today, it was not a comment referring to a rock-bottom situation, if that's what you were getting at. I just meant that I was going to be back on track starting today since I am not traveling (so it's easier to stay disciplined), which I have been so far. I by no means am devaluing what has happened this year. I'm pretty happy about this year for the most part. It was stressful, but I've made a lot of changes and gotten a lot of my time back. I've grown a bunch.

@Ikar, I have many thoughts on the book. Would I live a life like Tim Ferriss? Probably not. Would I change my life to free up more of my time and start living more now? Hell yes. My main priority right now is to use the advise to help me navigate my corporate job better and increase my performance, which some of the book talks about. The book focuses more on escaping the grind so to speak in order to devote more time to growing as a person. I'm not fully onboard with ditching corporate life just yet since I'm still gaining lots of valuable skills, but in particular, it's given me thoughts of how I can supplement my income while I work, God forbid should something happen. I think a decent portion of my work stress would be mitigated if I had separate income streams besides my job and investments. My biggest unanswered question with the book (so far, almost done) is what about responsibility and duty? I think these tools can help one devote more time to more meaningful causes if one chooses, but one could easily use these tools for increasing hedonism. Maybe that question isn't intended to be answered by this book though, which means I'm probably expecting too much.

---

So far so good today. Hit the gym. I fucking love the gym now. I want to get completely shredded. Actually did some considerable cleaning--the place is looking a lot better now. Salsa is upcoming. 

I'm feeling stressed about the salsa stuff. One of my fears is that someone will find out I don't have many friends or suck at salsa (relatively speaking). However, if I consistently go to salsa dancing, I can get better at salsa dancing and make more friends. Funny how that works. I need to keep that in mind.

I've been craving the internet quite a bit today. Podcasts and music. I was eagerly expecting my news window. Man, that's weird. Tomorrow I'm going to try and spend more time doing other stuff.

---

UPDATE: I WENT SALSA DANCING AGAIN FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER!!!!!! Very happy I went simply because I got through the emotions and stress on the way there. Another victory. Had a bunch of fun during the classes at the start.

Couple of things I want to improve on, besides my bachata. 

1) Talking to people before the classes. I didn't do that today, and so were most people who were there. Next time, I'm just going to say hi to a random person and see where the conversation goes. It can't be any worse then going into a scene in improv with no idea about what's going to happen. 

2) Sticking around after classes for the club portion of the night. I didn't say this explicitly, but my bargain with myself was at least making it through the classes if I got through the door. Asking a woman for a dance is something I've done before, but my stress levels were so high I was freaking out a little tonight. 

Also, another reason I left early is because I saw someone who looked very similar to someone who used to be a close friend a few years ago, but then soured for some reason, culminating in an incident where he placed a knife on the back of my neck. I didn't think they did salsa dancing, and while they looked similar, they may have been different or the same. I don't know. I was trying to listen to the person's voice to see if it was different, and I think it was, but I was second guessing myself a bunch. I'm still part of a friend group with that person at the request of the hub of that friend group, though that group is practically fallen apart at this point due to a marriage/baby. The whole thing was weird. Nonetheless, nothing happened, so I'm probably fine even if it is that person. Still, that compounded my anxiety.

I'm pretty freaking proud of myself right now. WOO!

Edited by DaBest
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Day 246

No VG - 246 days,  no sports news - 2 days, NF -  8 days , SOB - 27 days, NNO59 - 2 days, NIA1030 - 3 days, NLAF - 5 days left, NSOC - 6 days

Just want to get an early post in since I might not be able to later.

Three things I want to get done today: gym, dishes, and either more salsa dancing or buying some new shirts and getting them to a tailor. 

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Day 247

No VG - 247 days,  no sports news - 3 days, NF -  1 days , SOB - 28 days, NNO59 - 3 days, NIA1030 - 1 day, NLAF - 1 day, NSOC - 0 days

I messed up big time yesterday. Played chess with a friend online for a little bit, then relapsed on NoFap and didn't get to most of my core tasks. I then proceeded to just act like a child for the next 12+ hours. Not good for a recovering man-child. 

However, I did get the dishes done, which was nice.

Key learnings:

-Playing chess with my friend could be considered a break of my video game streak, though when i went into this, this was the only thing short of playing video games with other people in person that I'm allowed to do. Nonetheless, it is not the best way to start the day. I am pretty much restricted to playing in the morning because my friend moved halfway across the globe, and its hard to get our schedules to align and catch up. Next time this happens, I must go to the gym and get my day started beforehand. The longer I stay at home in the morning before doing something productive, the better chance I have of relapsing with NoFap. 

-Next time I relapse, I'm going to take a quick nap and reset. Otherwise, I will just be trudging about for the next 6 hours, only wanting to be on the computer. 

Today will be better. Key three goals: gym (right after this post), improv, and grocery shopping.

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Misread your post Dabest

Dont relapse, if i am not feeling like doing a certain task, i switch to a different kind of useful task to avoid boredom- relapse

This is not always possible because some tasks are part of your job and are essential. But taking a break in between, calling a friend and getting their support is always great.

Edited by Amphibian220

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Hey, sounds like you’re doing good with your exercise routine. I hope things workout with your nofap. I play board games with my clients sometimes. I don’t consider that much to be gaming, but I also try not to spend much time on board games too. I wouldn’t consider chess gaming especially if it’s on a board in person. Still I wouldn’t be trying to play it either. Especially if it’s triggering for you

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On 12/27/2019 at 11:58 PM, DaBest said:

I have many thoughts on the book. Would I live a life like Tim Ferriss? Probably not. Would I change my life to free up more of my time and start living more now? Hell yes. My main priority right now is to use the advise to help me navigate my corporate job better and increase my performance, which some of the book talks about. The book focuses more on escaping the grind so to speak in order to devote more time to growing as a person. I'm not fully onboard with ditching corporate life just yet since I'm still gaining lots of valuable skills, but in particular, it's given me thoughts of how I can supplement my income while I work, God forbid should something happen. I think a decent portion of my work stress would be mitigated if I had separate income streams besides my job and investments. My biggest unanswered question with the book (so far, almost done) is what about responsibility and duty? I think these tools can help one devote more time to more meaningful causes if one chooses, but one could easily use these tools for increasing hedonism. Maybe that question isn't intended to be answered by this book though, which means I'm probably expecting too much.

I read Ferriss doesn't live that lifestyle of a digital nomad anymore and that he's more settled now. I think there is a minority of people who could live like he did permanently though. After all, it's not about what is in the book, it is about what thoughts the book gave you in your unique circumstances.

As for responsibility, duty and hedonism, this is my take on it; unless someone has money saved up to quit their "corporate job" outright, they have to, at least initially, put in MORE hours of work, be it on setting up a side business or planning on how to navigate their life overall. There has to be a plan in place and following it and sticking to it when going gets tough requires more discipline and willpower than sitting in the "corporate job" that they supposedly hate.

I think it's a good idea to take the book as a cook book. There's a few things to taste and try to make, but most of it gets likely ditched. So even if we all got to have 4-hour workweeks in which we could make all the money we need, as the sensational title of the book suggests, there would still be 164 hours a week to do something with, in a way that doesn't make you a drug addict or soulless, but that would be a topic for a completely different book! ?

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Ikar,

What do you think of Elon Musk’s hours.? He didn’t bother going home after work, just lept in the office and even said if there was a way to lunch without stopping the work, he would do it. 

Meaningful job gives more than just financial security: it also gives security of your time, security in relations (since there is very little energy if at all left to bicker over anything, although you can have a conflict at the workplace), security of purpose, security of growth in knowledge and experience.

Edited by Amphibian220

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