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DaBest's Journey For Self-Discipline


DaBest
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Thank you all for the well wishes. I really appreciate it.

@Alexanderle agree completely. I'm probably going to up the televisits with my therapist to weekly from every other week. Freely chosen human contact is the best thing, and we've basically done away with that. It will take some adjusting at first, but people are resilient. I heard divorce rates were up in some areas though, haha.

---

Past two days were long, but productive. Got the pipe fixed early that Monday, and my co-worker who was on-call for my area really set me up well for success, so while there was a lot to do, it was manageable. He even helped out some more on Monday. I was at work pretty much all day Monday.

Had to go back in (to follow up on the same thing) very early today. Supposed to be in and out in an hour. Took eight. It was well worthwhile though, because we uncovered the true root cause for why that pipe broke, and we were able to fix it quickly. Kept the process going. Feels good. Got home, took a nap and did more work. Long day, but I felt remarkably sane and focused during it.

After I messed around quite a bit after calling my folks. It's late again. I'm gonna meditate for a bit and go to bed. I need to stay busy or sleep I guess.

Tomorrow, I want to give myself a break from YouTube except for music if I choose. 

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Today went ok.

Got up late because I was up late. I meditated a bit in the morning to calm down, and then I cleaned my house thoroughly. Cleared up a lot of mental space, and even though I missed a few hours of work for this, I worked a little late and was far more focused then I have been recently. Also meditated a few more times throughout the day as I noticed I was drifting into escapism, just so I could reset.

I avoided YouTube today, thank goodness. 

I feel a lot better right now. I'm going to turn off my laptop now, and if I keep it off, it will be the earliest I've turned it off in a while. 

Tomorrow, I want to get to work by 9 and work a solid day. I might work out if I have time too.

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  • 1 month later...
  • 1 month later...

Well, fuck. Here goes.

Things are not good, which I guess is the same for a lot of people right now. Overview for the past few months:

-Severe depression and lonliness. I've been crying a bunch recently, even at work.

-Both of my main friend groups, including my improv team, basically dissolved.

-Only solace is work, but work still stresses me out.

-Basically told my boss I was going to walk out as soon as I found employment elsewhere due to some serious BS at work. He left. New boss I'm assuming heard what I said and I got a 15% raise without asking, along with talk of promotion within a year. Also, I'm working in a new area now, which is stressful, but is at least a good learning experience. I can't help but feel like a slave though. 

-Workout at home game has gotten sidelined.

-Meditation may has saved my ass more than once. So has my therapist.

-No dancing or going out since it's all closed. I'm trying to get into golf as a new hobby that's a bit lockdown-proof.

-Intense anger towards my father at times. Blew up at him over the phone once from just years of resentment, during which I'm genuinely surprised the cops weren't called on me for noise or people thinking an actual fight was going on. Can hardly bear to talk to him. 

-I've been all over the place with gaming. Did some online stuff a while back with two friends, one of whom I've lost all touch with, but that also seemed to be the general path of things for about a year up to that point. Went overboard with StarCraft 2. Redownloaded LoL for a day, and thankfully haven't gone back. I do watch LCS and whatnot when it's live to numb the pain. 

-With my other friend, we've been playing XCOM and XCOM 2 together on weekends--he streams, I advise, as he knows my problems. One day I was feeling very down though and bought XCOM 2 myself, which was the first money I spent on a game in 10 years. Promptly deleted after playing for 8 hours, which was not bad all things considered. 

-In a weird way, gaming, especially with that one friend has been a Godsend. That's all I have to look forward to right now, or at least that's how it feels sometimes. The pain of being a fuck-up who has lost many of the few friends I could muster is unbearable at times, along with the corresponding silence. 

-I'm beginning to wonder if I'm a bit bipolar. I've had crazy mood swings from feeling completely dead inside to feeling like there's no doubt I'm going to fix everything. Recently it's been happening with higher frequency, and honestly I'm a bit scared. That said, a lot of these swings are from the combined stress.

The hardest part about this is that I know what's causing this--the lack of connection--but with everything that's going on in the world, it doesn't seem like there's a quick way of remedying that. I feel hopeless at times, which is new. The lonliness was bad enough, and the hoplessness just makes it feel five times worse. 

Writing this makes me feel like a huge pussy, but it's the truth and if I don't put it here, I'm going to explode.

------

I need to start fighting this again. Even if the world were to stay locked down, I cannot keep making this harder for myself than it already is, and I have to learn to bear my cross. 

My only goal for this week is to be in bed by 11:30 every night, and to document it here. Sleep cycle is a bit fucked and it's not helping things. I'm going to start all over again. Start building the habits up and not give up on life, like I honestly have for the past three months. 

Memento mori but not like this.

 

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Thanks @Erik2.0, glad to see you're still here and still positive. I appreciate that, really. It doesn't really help that you say you don't have friends either--there are many like us out there. 

----

I'll be going to bed shortly, before 11:30. 

I felt like trash this morning. I was very on edge today. However, I was very lucky and was able to meet with my therapist. I told him everything, as awkward as it is to admit my current state. It put a lot of things into perspective. I was able to get a lot more rational about things. We also talked about meds, but I'm convinced that it's the fact that my life isn't in order which is why I'm feeling so bad. Not writing it off completely, but to me that's a last resort.

At the end of our conversation, I cried a bit on the inside when he said I was important. For a brief moment it filled a hole in my soul which has been there for years. It was something short and simple, but jarring in comparison to how I was feeling. One tiny ray of light amidst a cave of darkness. Yeah, I'm paying him, but it was genuine. I can only hope that at some point I feel that way more often.

I'm in a much better spot now, and have some of the hope that I completely lost the other day. 

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Welcome back. I think you're brave for writing about this and I think you're important to your job and the community here. Don't feel too bad about the relapse. Without our friends and activities to look forward to doing we can feel ostracized and dissociated from life and happiness. 

I'm glad you're seeing your therapist. I am sorry work is crushing you. 

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Hey man, I am fairly new here so this is first time I see your journal. I am sorry that you relapsed hard, but I support you 100% in your efforts and applaud you for returning here. Don't let your ego turn against you, and in the same time be hopeful. I think all of us can get to a much better place than we currently find ourselves in. Sending love your way!

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Thank you @BooksandTrees, @Erik2.0, and @gargamel. Reading your messages just put a smile on my face just now.

---

Today actually started off much better. I can't remember when the last time I got 8 hours of sleep before a workday, and I didn't remember how focused I was and how much better I could handle the stress. I also was not nearly as depressed when I got home. 

I cooked a meal I saw off of Gordon Ramsay's YouTube channel today. Turned out really well. It was way better than what I've been eating recently.

Things are not perfect, but at least I can take pride in the fact that the last 48 hours have been better than usual, and that I've taken positive steps forward.

Going to bed now, goal met. Goodnight all.

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7 hours ago, DaBest said:

Things are not perfect, but at least I can take pride in the fact that the last 48 hours have been better than usual, and that I've taken positive steps forward.

Going to bed now, goal met. Goodnight all.

This is how I approach things as well. We will never become perfect over night. We have to recognize positive changed and push one step at the time. 

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I cannot remember the last time I got eight hours of sleep for two consecutive work nights, period. I'm assuming it's happened before, but I don't remember it. Unsurprisingly, I feel less shitty when I'm not on four hours of sleep.

Today went reasonably well. I was somewhat productive at work. Not too stressed. Got home and relaxed. I'm going to work out for a bit too. It won't be a full workout, but it's better than where I've been. I think it's another step in the right direction.

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21 minutes ago, DaBest said:

I cannot remember the last time I got eight hours of sleep for two consecutive work nights, period. I'm assuming it's happened before, but I don't remember it. Unsurprisingly, I feel less shitty when I'm not on four hours of sleep.

Today went reasonably well. I was somewhat productive at work. Not too stressed. Got home and relaxed. I'm going to work out for a bit too. It won't be a full workout, but it's better than where I've been. I think it's another step in the right direction.

Keep taking baby steps. It's difficult not being stimulated by games and stuff but it's important to relax and unwind. It's important to be bored. It's important to feel comfortable after work. Keep it up. 

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Tonight will be the fourth night in a row I'll be in bed, aiming for a full 8 hours. I'm pretty gobsmacked about this.

I felt kinda tired today. I have been waking up a bunch in the middle of the night despite getting to bed early.

Unfortunately, I will not do a workout tonight because I rode the relaxation train pretty hard. I should probably do that before dinner instead of after, while I'm still in work-mode somewhat.

Best news is I am much more even-keel right now. 

 

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5 days in a row in bed early! Holy moly.

Felt very tired today. Just stress from the week and my diet being out of whack. 

Didn't really workout much today. Still a bit of a vegetable when I got home. That's fine though--this week was a baby step.

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14 hours ago, DaBest said:

5 days in a row in bed early! Holy moly.

Felt very tired today. Just stress from the week and my diet being out of whack. 

Didn't really workout much today. Still a bit of a vegetable when I got home. That's fine though--this week was a baby step.

This is great. Sometimes the body just needs to recover for a week or two. Just like a sprained wrist or something. The mind needs that time.

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6 days straight. 

Today was boring. I think some of my next steps will be to better construct my weekends. I did work out though, so I don't feel super terrible. 

Its a weird thing to be proud of, and I'm still relatively messed up right now, but it's something. 

 

 

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I did it--one week straight of going to bed before 11:30. Might not happen tonight because of this post and other things, but we will see. As long as I get to bed at a semi-reasonable hour tonight I'll be happy. I usually stay up latest on Monday's because of work anxiety.

I hung out with my friend online for a few hours today. It didn't feel particularly fulfilling. I medicated with YouTube for the rest of the day. When I stopped a few hours ago, I felt immense anguish. I went for a walk to clear my head and it only helped somewhat. Got back home and went to a really dark place for a bit, which was promptly alleviated by YouTube. YouTube is sometimes the only thing that gets me through the pain. 

I don't feel particularly rational right now. I just feel empty and ashamed at how poorly I've managed all my relationships to this point, and how difficult it gets with each passing day to form new ones and make them strong. Right now all I have is work and YouTube. I hate this. My hobbies were shot to bits. My friends went away. The semblance of a relationship with my asshole father is falling apart. I was trying so fucking hard. I thought I was getting close to fixing it all. It just never seems to end. Twenty years of the same patterns repeating themselves. I feel immensely disconnected and don't see a way out, especially with what's going on in the world. I don't think I could handle another lockdown. 

I have to at least try to be rational though. There is a part of me that still hasn't given up, which for some reason makes me feel sad. There's things I can do to make things less bad. If that weren't true, I wouldn't have tried to go to bed early last week. 

First, I should start going to bed at 11. It means I will see more sunlight, and leave work earlier. I should try this for this week.

Second, I need to fill this hole with something. This is where I struggle. I need to remember I've chosen golf as a new activity and one I'm going to have to spend some time to learn. I do have a lesson on Wednesday. On Monday or Tuesday, I would like to visit a thrift store to pick up a driver. I want to go to the range on Wednesday, Saturday, and Sunday, and on the weekend I want to leave my apartment no later than 9 AM. On all the days where I can't practice, I want to work out. If I stick with the hobby long enough, I will make friends.

Third, to free up the time and some of the constant shame I feel, this week I don't want to be on the internet past 10 PM, and I don't want to watch anything gaming related. 

I have to actually try not being a loser for once. 

 

 

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Today started out kind of rough. I felt about the same as when I went to bed last night, which was a 1/10. Really didn't want to do anything or go to work. Got in a little later than I would've liked but still got in 8 hours. The crazy thoughts wore off as the day wore on. I was very grateful for that. I also think I found the root cause for an work issue that's been vexing me for the past week, which also made me feel a bit better.

Because I got in late and because I was a bum and didn't cook last weekend--which I didn't consider last night--I ended up grocery shopping and cooking a ton of food, especially since I've been eating out a lot when at work. I actually put a bit of effort into it this time and was pleased with the results. I also didn't buy any garbage food while I was out, which I've been doing a lot of recently. Admittedly, I am disappointed in not working out today. I'll stretch a bit before bed.

I did end up staying on the Internet past 10 and stayed up past 11. I was a little bit of just not caring once I realized I didn't meet my goal, but at least it's not full-blown stay up til 3 AM. I also did watch a golf video to keep that hobby moving forward.

I also texted my therapist and asked to schedule weekly sessions on Mondays since I seem to become so unstable on weekends and from how much I scared myself last weekend. We didn't meet today, but that will be a good change going forward. 

Today wasn't perfect, but I am happy with how it turned out compared to how it started.

Edited by DaBest
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Mundane day. Got to work a little earlier, got out late again. I messed around a bit when I got home and I'm up later than I wanted, and on the internet. I did watch a golf video for a drill I can do at home and not destroy any furniture. I have a lesson tomorrow which I'm excited for.

I'm going to meditate for a little and go to bed. I was reading some an academic review on meditation and aspects of depression, and realized how a lot of my internal thoughts are not helping me at all, and how a lot of the way that I think actually sets me up to get trapped in loops. Meditation personally helps me a bunch with this. I got away from it recently but this makes me inspired to do more.

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Fell off the wagon a bit, but not into the pits where I was prior. I bit off more than I could chew with my last set of goals. For now I'm going to just keep the sleep goal and push it up to 11:15. I just want to get consistent with that again. Didn't meet that tonight though, but the goal is in place for tomorrow.

Golf has actually helped me cope a bunch. I really look forward to it on the weekends. It's a few hours of just being outside and taking out frustration on a small object without feelings. It also feels nice to improve and adjust. I have a lesson tomorrow and I'm actually going legit golfing on Wednesday with some co-workers. Some hope, finally. 

I also met with my therapist today. I'm going to be doing weekly sessions for the time being since I've been all over the place recently. I also started taking a popular course on the science of happiness on Coursera that he recommended. I'm hoping I can develop some new habits from that. This was the primary reason for why I'm up late right now, at least it wasn't from something stupid.

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