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Mettermrck

Bob's Journey

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Day 88/90. Almost there...feel like I'm doing the last two shoulder dumbbells...gruuunnnnt. ?

@Hitaru, I actually use the Quitzilla app which keeps a running money saving tally for your addictions and how long you've been sober. Gaming is smaller, about $10-15 every two weeks. So it's about $60 now conservatively. Fast food/soda is the killer. I've regularly spent $7-10/day on it! No joke. So yes, $600-$900 saved in 90 days. That is NOT a lie and why I've always considered gaming to be the junior addiction.

A quiet beginning to a quiet weekend. I still need to work on socialization as Saturday is my quiet day. I have church on Sunday and work on weekdays but I need stuff for Saturday. Once Labor Day is gone the tourists will decline and I can start going to the beach. 

Gratitude

1. Saving money

2. Friendship

3. A sense of accomplishment

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Boy, if I had 900 USD right now I'd flee from home and never look back. That's 10 dollars a day. 3650 dollars a year. People smuggle drugs in Gibraltar Strait for that money. Awesome job Bob! 

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Day 89/90 I wanted to complete this early before church as I probably won't have time later. 

@Zala, my next step right now is just continued weight loss and maintaining my momentum.

I've probably not written enough about it, but this weight loss journey has been exhausting and traumatic even as it has been triumphant and fantastic. I don't regret it for a second but it is very mentally draining to put all of my focus into the simple step of not eating fast food and making sure I go to the gym. It feels like I am on constant guard on a giant wall, keeping the addictions from getting in. That just shows me how powerful the addiction is.

I have confidence that in the long run, especially as I transform my body (and by extension, my life), those addictions won't loom so large. Right now, as I'm still somewhat heavy, those old emotions and temptations haven't gone far. And being light headed and tired a lot (in a good way) takes all of me. My next step is continued dedication to maintaining this course for the next year or two. There'll be other steps too, but I'm not sure what yet. I'll keep journaling, just not as often.

Gratitude

1. Getting lighter

2. Almost finished the 90 days, feeling amazed

3. The catharsis of journaling my feelings

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It's great that you are making the next plan after you are done with the 90 days. Almost everyone say the Detox is just the tip of the iceberg. But it would seem that must people don't finish the 90 days nor they continue sober after the 90 days.

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It's great that you are making the next plan after you are done with the 90 days. Almost everyone say the Detox is just the tip of the iceberg. But it would seem that must people don't finish the 90 days nor they continue sober after the 90 days.

I honestly think it's better to stay productive Mettermrck, if you do game just remind yourself of what happened before, during, and after your detox. Should help, congrats on your last day buddy.

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@Mettermrck my friend! 

You are so close! I'm sure this last day will feel like nothing compared to what you've already been through! I know you've had some really hard times through this process, but I imagine that you feel like a rockstar, because you should! You've made it through what thousands try to do, and you've done it while still considering others and being a foundation on this forum for a lot of people, myself included! 

Can't tell you enough how proud I am for how well you've done! EXCELLENT JOB!

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365 days is the next target Bob. We can do this together!

I am hesitant about dropping the journal, as so many productivity 'gurus' have said it is such a good idea. I think, just like me, you need to reshape the focus of it. Maybe rather than talking about your battle with overcoming gaming, we start writing about our goals and start looking ahead to the next day instead? Or, you keep it the way you have it and expand upon your battle with fast food. 

Either way man, tomorrow is going to be huge. I'll chill some wine to celebrate with you B|

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Day 90/90. Well this is it! It's not the super triumphant parade I envisioned when I first started this but I think that's because I'm not stopping to rest on my laurels. I'm moving on with my life and I have more goals to conquer. My journey has only just begun.

@giblets, I also journal at home with a private diary so sometimes it feels like overlap with writing (or typing) the same things twice. As I've mentioned, I will probably keep this forum journal as a weekly journal, to give me more days to organize thoughts, etc. rather than everyday events. But I'll stay on the forums each day as best I can.

So I've been reflecting on what I've learned during this process.

1. Don't talk, just do. When I reread my old thread, it's embarrassing in some cases. I think this detox was my 4th try. I noticed in the early attempts, I tried to project confidence, talk smack, even brag a little about how great I was going to be. In fairness, I think I was trying to psych myself up for the process and I also think I was trying to emulate the self-help, personal development, enthusiastic attitude I was reading around me. In other words, I was being someone I wasn't. In my last attempt, I was broken and I just laid myself on the line. Here I am, world, naked and afraid. Take me as I am. And I just started writing and doing day by day without any gloss.

2. Gaming was a mask. I learned rapidly after I quit gaming that there were real issues underneath that were killing me. I didn't even know they were there until I got off the computer. I've described it before as pulling up a bandage and watching the pus drain. For a week or two after I quit, I was constantly in tears. I felt crushing loneliness. I slept on the couch in the living room just to be around people. So I had to take steps to fight this. I got into contact with old friends I hadn't spoken to in a lonnnng time, some over 15 yrs!!! I set up a system of daily reminders to force myself to regularly reach out to people (I still do). Sometimes I have nothing real to say and sometimes I don't receive a response that day but I keep at it. I also feel free to cry. I don't do this as much as I used to but when it happens, I just go into my bedroom or my car and I just let it out. I also make sure I talk out the pain with someone. And boy does that help! I never would have learned this (or even been aware that this was a problem) until I quit gaming.

3. Create not consume. Another thing that gaming masked was an intense desire for identity, to express myself. I've always had a passion for history and I think it's always torn at me that I never followed through with this, whether finishing a degree or expressing my passion in some other way. Quitting gaming was like kicking away a crutch. Once this happened, I couldn't hide from this pain of having something inside of me that I wanted people to see but wasn't doing anything about. So that's where my podcast project was born. I still have a ways to go with it but I have learned that a creative outlet is a non-negotiable in my life. Period.

So that's that, for this 90 days at least. Onward and upward! *spikes "American" football* ?

Gratitude

1. Finishing just the first step in a transformative journey

2. I'm never alone

3. The chance to truly express who I am

 

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Bob, I-I'm not getting emotional, ok? :$

Feels weird, right? After all that time, one day you reach 90 and it just... happens. I know that feeling! Damn right you are, this is the first step, but do me a favor my man, take today to celebrate and acknowledge this goal. Never forget where you're coming from. When the Bible says "Honor your father and mother", it's also a way of saying "Honor your past".

I find myself falling in ridiculous amounts in point 1. Thank you for your insight and your experience. You're an inspiration, one of the very first people I met here. It's incredible to be witnessing this moment, you and I having finished the detox. I said I'm not getting emotional, right? 

You're one of the people I keep in mind in my daily life, I literally quote and mention you in front of people who don't know you. But you can tell the impact that you're making among us, in this community, with your dedication to yourself and the sincere support you provide to others, of course including myself. I can't wait to know about more and more of your victories.

You've got this bro. Be proud! 

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Hey Bob, 

As I said yesterday, I'm super proud of you man! You've persisted in your efforts, battled your demons into submission, changed your life, and finished your a major milestone in your new life. I think that the coolest thing about all this, however, is how much I've seen YOU change other people. You know where you were 90 days ago, and I haven't seen anyone else who is more dedicated to this forum, to making people stronger, or who is genuinely more passionate about helping other people.

Sorry, @giblets, but Bob gets the crown on this one. You're definitely the close second though ;) 

You've also changed my life. I truly hope that we get the chance to meet someday so I can say "Thank you!" face to face. You've got a passion for people that is only seen a few times in someone's lifetime. You are a rare and amazing individual, and I'm proud to call you my friend. 

I know this road has been super tough for you, but I also know that you've gone through something permanently life changing. I'm a little sad to hear that you're taking a half-step back from the forums as I finally have my chance to return. However! I'll just have to make sure our weekly correspondences are more heartfelt! 

Proud of you to the moon and back my friend! You did it! HELL YEAH!

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@Mettermrck

I feel really happy for you. This a nice a achievement and something to be proud of. I like the fact that you are already setting up new goals. Thanks a lot for explaining the lessons you obtained from the Detox.

Overlapping journals I find it troublesome as well, think, think. Imagine a website where all your journals (I have 2 digital and 1 physical) are stored and which could be shared with millions of other people. Does this exists already? Connect Journal App? I am googling this :D

Don't talk, just do Definitely! Sometimes I feel that just by talking about goals I lose my drive to complete them. Making sure to start something before talking about it, makes it easier.

Gaming was a mask Correct, it seems that excessive video games are a symptom of a hidden issue.

Create not consume This is something that simply is not possible to see while you are gaming. It's like switching a button once you are on detox.

Also thanks for supporting me along at my journal. You were one of the first persons to encourage through Day #0, it helped me a lot, thank you so much.

 

 

 

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Day 90/90. Well this is it! It's not the super triumphant parade I envisioned when I first started this but I think that's because I'm not stopping to rest on my laurels. I'm moving on with my life and I have more goals to conquer. My journey has only just begun.

So I've been reflecting on what I've learned during this process.

1. In my last attempt, I was broken and I just laid myself on the line. Here I am, world, naked and afraid. Take me as I am. And I just started writing and doing day by day without any gloss.

2. I also feel free to cry.

3. Create not consume. Another thing that gaming masked was an intense desire for identity, to express myself. Period.

 

Bro, I super proud of you! I'm also deeply appreciative of your honesty! Your expression strikes all kind of right chords with me.

1. It takes hitting rock bottom and feeling really unhappy to find a solid surface to push off of. With me it's also a feeling of true desperation that made me change.

To be honest I hated your "hee-hees" in your early posts and I had doubts if they were a sign of you intending to bail, and I would just hate for that to happen. I can tell that you have changed and opened up in a sincerest way. I thank you a lot for that! It's very uncommon to see people blossom. I feel confident that you are giving forum members the privilige to witness that phenomenon in real time. It's no exaggeration, I'm spreaking from the heart.

2. Feeling life intensely or being passionate gives the drive to grow. Intense feelings come in highs and lows. I think there's nothing wrong with crying, or laughing, or being angry, or being down, or feeling extatic for that matter. It's those emotions that propel you further in life. Keeping everything in is pointless, there's just no benefit in that. It makes you tense and gives people a very distorted feedback, so they feel perplexed and uneasy about not knowing where you stand with them.

3. I absolutely agree wih you that gaming is like handcuffs or shackes on creativity. I'll be very glad to check out your history podcast. And don't be perfect from the start, let your skyscrappers grow above your shanties. Everything huge started small.

Respect and admiration.

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@Mettermrck

I feel really happy for you. This a nice a achievement and something to be proud of. I like the fact that you are already setting up new goals. Thanks a lot for explaining the lessons you obtained from the Detox.

Overlapping journals I find it troublesome as well, think, think. Imagine a website where all your journals (I have 2 digital and 1 physical) are stored and which could be shared with millions of other people. Does this exists already? Connect Journal App? I am googling this :D

Don't talk, just do Definitely! Sometimes I feel that just by talking about goals I lose my drive to complete them. Making sure to start something before talking about it, makes it easier.

Gaming was a mask Correct, it seems that excessive video games are a symptom of a hidden issue.

Create not consume This is something that simply is not possible to see while you are gaming. It's like switching a button once you are on detox.

Also thanks for supporting me along at my journal. You were one of the first persons to encourage through Day #0, it helped me a lot, thank you so much.

 

 

 

Srry for jumping in late, Hey same here man, i never thought that i would honestly get as far as i did  if it wasn't for your constant support @Mettermrck, i honestly thought nobody would care on here because i figured ok well i'll probably be cast out in a week just like how i was kicked out of every gaming community for trying to fit in, lets see if someone actually wants me to be here, but you proved me wrong.

I really need to thank you for finally reaching Day 90, because brother, you are probably the best darn forum activist on here i've met that constantly motivated and encouraged people's lives for the better and improved on his own no doubt. You really earned it. Thanks man, thanks for every darn thing you do and i really hope you continue your journals. You have uplifted an entire community. Good Vibes!

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God Job Bob!!

As other people have said you are a real inspiration for a lot of people in the community  (including me) 

I am proud about you reaching the 90 days!!

I don't know how to thank you for all the tips you could offer!!

I wish yo all the best for your journey!!!!!!!

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Day 0/367

Well, I'm back....defeated but not giving up. The past year or more has been agony for me. My divorce was finalized early in 2018. I lost a full time job in June due to absenteeism. I was out of work for 5 months, barely scraping by on my Mom's limited income. Somehow I managed, with the help of my state's vocational rehabilitation program, to get another good full-time job. And I lost that in 5 weeks...due to absenteeism. So I'm back on the scraping limited income.

I was already struggling when my 90 day detox completed in Sept 2017. I was already slackening in my diet. When the 90 days was up, the gaming itch was already there, just waiting for me to let my guard down. Boy, did I ever. And boy, did gaming come back into my life.

To make a long story short, I've spent the last 15 months with my head in the clouds, trying to recapture the magic of those 3 months when I was off soda and gaming and transforming my life. Only, I tried to do it by holding on to my addictions in moderation, or at the very least, hold on to one addiction as a crutch while I quit the other. Gaming was usually the crutch. This never worked. I never felt at ease with either habit in my life and could never sustain a balance, despite the best laid plans. I tuned the world out and barely functioned while I played mental tug of war.

After losing my latest job a couple of weeks ago, I had to take a hard look and get past my rationalizations and self-deceptions. It was not easy. I felt like I was begging..."take the soda but please let me keep the gaming!" And it never worked. In my stubbornness, I kept trying.

Finally, this morning, I was playing Mass Effect Andromeda on my brand new gaming laptop. I should've felt wonderful playing such a gorgeous looking game on a powerful computer. But I didn't. I felt empty inside.

I realize now that my addictions are symbiotic. Gaming fills the time and helps me escape reality...soda provides the fuel for my escape rocket. They both have to go. The old saw I've spoken of before, that I just want to play the historical strategy games, has proven false. That only keeps the door open and I return to the RPGs for my binges. No more.

I've missed this community and now return in due humility. My plan is to just go ahead and do a year's detox for 2019 (actually 367 days beginning tomorrow), picking up the pieces along the way.

I think this time I'm going to make it. I don't think I will underestimate the power of my addictions again. It's good to be back. I'm already beginning to breathe free again.

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