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Ending the Loop


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Eeek time for another day at home!

Went to bed pretty late cuz of The Boys S2 E2, but feel good right now. The day seems to be starting out well. Being honest, I feel like relapsing in gaming. I'm having some dreams about video games every night, and there is this voice saying "I'm on break, so it's okay..." Very intriguing. I think I'll try to map my day out first, and once all of the to-do stuff is done I will see if I still feel like playing. Fingers crossed for a no. 

Showerthought of the day: I used to eat with my debit card when I barely had any money on it. Like, use it as a spoon on occasions. Now that it is actually not-so-empty, I take good care of it.

Goals:

  • Get practicing trombone more, start some fun arranging stuff
  • Keep my house clean
  • Be physically active, don't sit or lay down for too long
  • Fight my urges. Let my best guide me, not my worst
  • Do things when they are supposed to be done
  • Do nice things for the people I love 🙂

 

Have a good Friday everyone!

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Hi! I am a 20yo(he/him) college student studying English, Art and Music. When I was introduced to my 1st video game- Tanki Online(haha yes very lame)- I was so overwhelmed with it I would play up to 6

ALRIGHT LET"S DO IT TODAYYYYY Yesterday I was quite lazy- I got things done but the quality was meh. Finally caught up with my to-do list though, so today I can start fresh yeeeahhh!!  Showe

No Games: 37. Having urges, but I know I am too busy and can't let it slip. I do want to just sit down and relax for 20-30 minutes, but can not allow that to happen right now. After all, spending some

14 hours ago, Pochatok said:

I'm having some dreams about video games every night

Me tooooo! I've had a different video game dream every night since quitting earlier this week. I feel like it makes it extra hard. We just miss gaming so I think it's a weird way of our minds processing it all.

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I get cravings too. I just keep enduring and coming back to my breath to try and mindfulness away the thoughts of gaming. Or distract myself by watching tv or doing anything else. Maybe those will work for you too. Maybe you have some other way to stay off the games. Something has been working so far.

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 Update time!!! So, got a game downloaded yesterday, played a bit, but honestly it's just no fun. I think at this point I've developed a passion for my other hobbies that is stronger than my urge to game. I think I might play now and then, but I am infinitely more excited about drawing, composing, embroidering... 

Had another video game dream, damn it was beautiful. I don't think there ever will be a game like that haha- it involved math function-based(complex sin waves and such) and fractal-based procedural generation. I think I'll try to draw that hehe 🙂

Was very tired yesterday, didn't get too many things done. Today started out well, I think I'll try to stay productive for the next few hours.

Goals for today:

  • Exercise for a lot of time, I don't like how I feel physically right now
  • continue my work on composing
  • draw more!
  • Learn about drawing, be persistent with how I study!
  • Practice trombone please

 

Have an awesome weekend everyone!

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5 hours ago, Pochatok said:

So, got a game downloaded yesterday, played a bit,

 

5 hours ago, Pochatok said:

Was very tired yesterday, didn't get too many things done.

 

5 hours ago, Pochatok said:

Had another video game dream

Have you considered how these 3 could be related? I know I have more intense dreams when I'm mentally overwhelmed or exhausted and my mind is trying to recover. 

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Oh yes totally @BooksandTrees

I was feeling so off I decided to play the game, but honestly that felt equally tiring. I've been having game dreams like that all the time though, I do not think they are related to anything that much. The dreams are out-of-this-world beautiful, and I think they appear as video games cuz that shit is too surreal.  

On topic of games, played today again for about an hour. Do feel kind of bad, I was not really trying at the game so it made me feel worse rather than better. I think I am okay with playing games during break for no more than an hour per day, but honestly I just don't see them all that fun anymore. I'll see if I feel like playing anytime later, but every time I play I feel less inclined to lol.

Cheers!

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Hi everyone! Just played some games heh. I no longer have the urge to play for "x more minutes". The game is there, and it is nice and relaxing, but there is a hundred other activities I want to do! I'm making some progress with composition, and hope to spend more time drawing today. Exercising is back to being fun, and I really want to finish up making some presents for my family and friends today.

Showerthought: Just noticed there is a totally random nail stuck in my doorknob. Absolutely 0 reason for it to be there, but I guess we are roommates now.

Goals:

  • Only play games for 10-20 minutes at a time, and only after spent 2+ hours doing other activities. Do not play more than an hour. If I fail to meet these requirements, I'll go coldturkey on them.
  • Practice trombone throughout the day
  • While making presents, listen to audiobooks or podcasts on stuff I find important
  • keep myself and my environment organized and clean
  • Read!
  • Stay social

Have a good Sunday everyone, thank you so much for your comments! Since I joined GQ, my habits overall have improved so much, and I no longer have an "urge" to play games 🙂

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If I counted right, today is Entry #11 of my journal. Doesn't mean anything, but I want to keep track of it heh.

Woke up today feeling rather well. Did some stretches, read for 20 minutes, walked the dogs, browsed reddit and then made some nice art. I LOVE ART! I really hope I will be able to get to the professional, industry-standard level by the time I wear my university graduation gown. 

Random thought: How come I never yawn when playing trombone? What exactly prevents me yawning at certain moments?

What brought me joy yesterday: 

  • Some video games(not gonna do that again though, I don't think I can moderate myself)
  • Drawing
  • Making multitracks on Ableton
  • Reading
  • Family

Goals for today:

  • Do everything at the right time
  • Make the lives of people I love better, show them I love them 🙂
  • Keep my posture 👌
  • Continue to develop the things I am passionate about, even if it is difficult at times. I will succeed through continuous, metacognitive, hard work.

Have a good Monday everyone!

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I thinks that or most people on GQ it is just fucking hard to moderate on videogames. I myself always relapse when I try to go trough that route.

That being said, many of my colleagues ( I would be that most of the population) do play videogames only moderately, so good luck if that is the route you pretend to follow! Just be careful not to relapse.

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13 hours ago, Pochatok said:

How come I never yawn when playing trombone?

I play the trumpet! Cool to see another brass player on here 🎶

 

13 hours ago, Pochatok said:

made some nice art. I LOVE ART! I really hope I will be able to get to the professional, industry-standard level by the time I wear my university graduation gown. 

What medium do you create art in? paint? draw? etc>?

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Day 12!

Yesterday went well, I am continuing to read a lot of stuff about all the bad things going in the porn industry, and that is helping me watch less and less. Have been watching some of @James Good's videos to help me stay away from gaming as well 🙂

Showerthought: I have a habit of "doing my own thing". Sometimes it helps me be more original and innovative, but most of the time it slows down my learning speed. Gotta tune that habit down.

Things that brought me joy yesterday: 

  • Reading 
  • Drawing
  • Cats and Siblings
  • Practicing Trombone
  • Talking to my partner
  • Calling my grandmother

Goals for today:

  • Learn properly, but stay passionate and original.
  • Don't isolate socially
  • Stay away from urges, they don't do me any good.
  • take care of my physical health
  • do things when they are supposed to be done

 

Have a good Tuesday y'all awesome people!

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16 hours ago, dasvira said:

I thinks that or most people on GQ it is just fucking hard to moderate on videogames. I myself always relapse when I try to go trough that route.

That being said, many of my colleagues ( I would be that most of the population) do play videogames only moderately, so good luck if that is the route you pretend to follow! Just be careful not to relapse.

I think that moderation works somewhat well for me: I never play more than 1.5 hours per day, but also have trouble playing less than that. As soon as a game becomes exciting, I lose track of time until I hit that 1.5 hour mark, which is still too much gaming per day for me. Currently, I am able to moderate myself, but not enough. Just quitting altogether seems easier tbh. Thank you for sharing your opinion on this 🙂

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10 minutes ago, Pochatok said:

Day 12!

🙂

Showerthought: I have a habit of "doing my own thing". Sometimes it helps me be more original and innovative, but most of the time it slows down my learning speed. Gotta tune that habit down.

I always thought I was shy and quiet and reserved, so I began to believe that I liked "doing my own thing" as well. I've learned through many different humbling trials, that I like "doing my own thing" only in specific situations. Some days I like to cook and clean by myself, I like to take the day to be in my own space...but one or two days is usually more than enough. I used to hate presentations and being singled out...now I enjoy moments where I can teach a group of people how to do a wrestling move, or to instruct people in certain subjects that I have strengths in. I think I learn well when I have time to read, take notes, and digest material in my own cubby at a library...but I learn best when I can do that as well as work with friends/peers/teachers as a group. I'm not totally sure if you were thinking along the same lines but I hope this is something that you can relate to.

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On 11/20/2020 at 5:04 AM, Pochatok said:

Hi! I am a 20yo(he/him) college student studying English, Art and Music. When I was introduced to my 1st video game- Tanki Online(haha yes very lame)- I was so overwhelmed with it I would play up to 6 hours per day. As of yesterday, I never play more than an hour a day. But, even that amount I find harmful- I could have cleaned up my room, taken a longer shower, do some exercise, talk to my friends... So, I decided to quit, once again. 

Previously, I've quitted countless times. I would get incredibly mad at myself, delete all of my games and social media accounts only to crawl back into gaming within a week Each relapse would be slightly better than the last- the amount of time I spent playing decreased over the years- but addiction would still win over me. I stumbled upon this site just a few hours ago, but reading all the stories here is so inspirational! I really hope that this time there will be no relapse- I plan on playing games from now on only if that is a way to connect with people whom I can not see physically. Time to break the loop of relapsing yeeeeeee!

Here's my priority list for today(I'm keeping it general on purpose):

  • Finish up the 1st three parts of my last Final
  • Submit paperwork for my campus job
  • Practice for the performance tomorrow
  • Make a list of things to do for Winter Break
  • Clean up my room
  • Do other various paperwork for volunteering, other jobs, financial aid, and classes.
  • Talk to my grandparents 🙂
  • Draw on my own.
  • Pick a new book to read.

Hehe I'm so excited to press the "post" button, I have so much faith in this! See you later, and thank you so much for the read!

Cheers,

Pochatok

 

Hey Pochatok,

I've come to check your diary out for the first time and I wish you all the very best in your journey! For me personally, the way that I perceive games now is that they are unfortunately very unproductive, no matter how you rationalise them. Yes, they are a form of social connection but at the end of the day, there are many other activities or interests that can be used to interact with other people! I unfortunately have distanced myself from people that I used to play games with because in the long run, it's not a time commitment that is benefiting my personal growth and those people who still play games can't really see this impact it's actually having on their lives.

When I took a step back from gaming, I was able to understand how little time I have because there's so much to do everyday, and other interests you can develop which are great for personal learning and knowledge, fitness or social skills. Thus, cold turkey quitting wasn't too hard for me once I had this realisation. Remember the sunk cost fallacy and truly understand it!

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5 hours ago, Tabula rasa said:

Yes, they are a form of social connection but at the end of the day, there are many other activities or interests that can be used to interact with other people!

This is a good reminder for me, because that's definitely one of the ways I was already thinking about using gaming for when the 90 days is over.

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13 hours ago, Pochatok said:

I do digital for more serious projects, and ink+pencil, sometimes markers for sketching. I use Procreate and Krita. Do you do art?

Digital seems cool! I don't know much about that. I have used charcoal before. I liked that because it was easy to create shadows and erase too.

I don't really art much though. Yet! But it is something I am interested in. I have tried an art class before but never finished it. Anything art related is very rewarding, but also very time consuming. I have not been able to work myself up to that time commitment yet.

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@Tabula rasaThank you so much for your comment, it means a lot to have someone share their perspective on my journal entries. I think my urge to install a game is still strong, especially right now, in the morning, but so far I've been able to not give into that. Thinking about not the fun part of playing the game, but the sad realization of how much time I wasted is what helps me the most. 

@championeal yes, charcoal is amazing for shading. I honestly just don't like the way it feels, but drawing with charcoal is fun!

9 hours ago, championeal said:

Anything art related is very rewarding, but also very time consuming.

Somewhat true 🙂 From September to mid-November, I only drew for 30 minutes a day, but every day. I would focus on learning something specific every week, like anatomy or landscapes. That consistency, even though small in quantity, helped me improve greatly. I think that if you are passionate about art and can dedicate just 15-30 minutes per day, DO IT! That consistency will lead to you slowly improving until doing art becomes fun and rewarding enough that you want/can dedicate more time to it. 

23 hours ago, BryanJaz said:

I used to hate presentations and being singled out...now I enjoy moments where I can teach a group of people how to do a wrestling move

Haha I'm actually the opposite: I loved doing presentations, being "on stage"(as a child I did not get much social attention from parents/peers), but hated working in groups, hanging out with a lot of people- it felt chaotic to me. I'm much more comfortable with both now, but like you, I still prefer one over the other- I love learning things by myself, on my own. Oh and what I meant in the first place was my tendency to learn things in my own manner- instead of following directions exactly, I'd put my own twist on them, every time. Very annoying tendency tbh.

Cheers everyone, thank you so much for your replies! This forum has become such a big part of my life just overnight simply because the people here are so caring and supportive 🧡

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Day 13

Woke up somewhat meh, I think my dreams were really weird(although cool), and I slept in for too long, which my mom pointed out(grrr). Then I walked my baby sibling and one of the dogs for ~1.5 hours. Felt a bit boring, but I also like being outside. Then I wasted some time on social media, and now am here. Almost noon @where I live

Good things of yesterday:

  1. Talking to my partner, I love her : >
  2. Sharing my art on Instagram
  3. The breakthrough I had in music composition!
  4. Exercising
  5. AHHH I forgot to send picture to grannies NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO gotta do it todayy

Goals for today:

  • Take my time to come up with a to-do list, and stay on top of it!
  • There is more to do than I like to think- I am still a busy person
  • Take care of my loved ones
  • Keep up that posture jeeeez
  • Keep learning, don't just "do" things

Have a good Wednesday everyone, I hope your day goes well!

Cheers, Po

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33 minutes ago, Pochatok said:

 

Haha I'm actually the opposite: I loved doing presentations, being "on stage"(as a child I did not get much social attention from parents/peers), but hated working in groups, hanging out with a lot of people- it felt chaotic to me. I'm much more comfortable with both now, but like you, I still prefer one over the other- I love learning things by myself, on my own. Oh and what I meant in the first place was my tendency to learn things in my own manner- instead of following directions exactly, I'd put my own twist on them, every time. Very annoying tendency tbh.

Ahh I see, well honestly I feel like "doing things your own way" as a starting point is probably better than just following directions. You seem to be very thoughtful and creative so it works for you most times. I'm a chemist and I feel like if I just start following directions blindly, then I kind of miss the point of being a scientist. But for experiments which involve dangerous reagents it is most definitely necessary to follow exact directions. Maybe you just need to reflect on which activities require exactness and which allow for flexibility. Seems like for music if you want to learn a piece you should try to commit to it exactly before putting your own spin on it...but I'm not musician haha. 

 

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DAY 14

Woke up, spend the first 3 hours of my awakenings pretty well. Now I feel a bit unsure of what to do, which is why I am journaling. Can't compose for some reason, but I guess I should just give myself a break. There are so many other things to do anyways...

Showerthought: Isn't it weird how the direction in which our mouth opens isn't aligned with the teeth? Like, if you smile wide, the corners of your smile will be looking into the void- cuz the teeth goes in a circular curve, while the smile is a flat-ish line.

Good things from yesterday:

  1.  Composing felt great
  2. Finishing my art felt great
  3. Watching the Boys
  4. Driving was nice although a bit stressful
  5. Playing Terraria with my GF was fun(I know i know, but this was honestly a good way to spend time together. I think that games as a way to connect with friends I already have(not the same as make friends via gaming) is okay)

Goals for today:

  • If something isn't going well, give yourself a break. Go do something else 🙂
  • Certain activities need to be done at certain times. Get things done on time!
  • Love and take care of family
  • Continue to exercise, and find some cool calisthenics moves to progress towards! 
  • Fooken posture mate!

 

Have a good Thursday everyone, we're almost @TheWeekend! 

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13 hours ago, Pochatok said:

Showerthought: Isn't it weird how the direction in which our mouth opens isn't aligned with the teeth? Like, if you smile wide, the corners of your smile will be looking into the void- cuz the teeth goes in a circular curve, while the smile is a flat-ish line.

Glad the showerthoughts are back!
Day 13 just wasn't the same 😁

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10 hours ago, championeal said:

Glad the showerthoughts are back!
Day 13 just wasn't the same 😁

Hehe thank you! "Showerthoughts" are just my way of re-focusing on something. 

DAY 15

Just noticed that I spent an entire hour in a row on GQ. Don't feel bad at all; I feel like I'm trying to help people, and that's what I always want to do. Sure, there probably is a more meaningful and poductive way, but this is what I have right now and it's okay. I will start to look for things other than GQ that fulfill the same role after this though.

Morning was okay, keep having some odd mild-porn dreams, probably because I am very committed to quitting it as of right now. Hope that goes well. Bahh as I was typing this my thoughts went wat off lmao. Gotta keep myself in check! 

Showerthought: Some foods with lots of sugar feel really sweet, while others- with the exact same amount of sugar- feel much milder. I am really interested in how those foods "hide" their sweetness. Nothing artificial, I checked!

Things I am grateful for yesterday:

  • Y'all here at GQ. Everyone is so supportive, and so hard-trying. Shoutout to @WhoCares, I was so worried I'd never see you again, but you just made another journal entry! 
  • Making Art. Came up with a cool concept yesterday; if it turns out well it could be one of my best pieces to date. 
  • Trombone. Love that instrument sometimes.
  • My partner. She's beautiful 

Uhh there is some family tension going on in the house, can't think of anything else right now. 

Goals for today:

  • Take care of family, don't check this until late evening.
  • Be productive, get done the things I need to get done first.
  • Go hug my dad, he seems sad.

Have a great weekend everyone, don't forget to smile every now and then!

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Day 16

Not starting out the best. Some sad things personally, and also I got frustrated with drawing a rock in the morning. A rock lmao. Never know where I'm gonna fail next. Hope to make some people happier today, and can't wait to see my partner tomorrow. 

I noticed that my biggest urge to reinstall a game comes when I am stressed out. Same for porn and other things I am used to think of as  "relaxing". Most of them I developed such a sense of disgust to, that they are rather stress-inducing. What helps me relief stress, like actually, is thinking of people I like/look up to who have some nice "success stories". Reminds me where I want to be and what I should do to get there- definitely not play games. 

Showerthought: The texture on my wall looks so smooth and flowy, but if I touch it's so rough and dry Eww

Grateful for yesterday:

  • Fermented Juice
  • Composing
  • My partner
  • Sweet foods and Oatmeal
  • Reading about WW2

Goals for today:

  • Be careful socially. Be kind.
  • Learn art. Take a break from output, switch to input.
  • Stay hydrated
  • Be on top of important tasks. Don't walk away from my responsibility.
  • Deal with stress properly.

Stay safe everyone!

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Day 17

I relapsed yesterday... but it felt great! That was probably the first time I did not feel bad while/after playing games. There was a bit of "you could have done something else" thought hovering over my head for some time, but I think it was worth it. I played at the very end of the day, when the rest of my family was asleep, and the only things left to do were make presents for my partner and one other friend, which I still have a ton of time for. Overall, it just felt more or less "deserved", plus I actually just played for fun, like for the first time ever. It was actually relaxing rather than challenging or stressful. 

However, I will have no access to games for the next 2 weeks, and then will still try to stay clean until February, when I have a small break during my 2nd Term of School. 

Things I am grateful for from yesterday:

  • Trader Joe's Thai Chai Mocha Ice Cream
  • National Geographic's latest editions
  • Water
  • My partner and our shared friend
  • Joking Hazard
  • Talking to someone (online) in Russian for the 1st time in 3-ish years.

Goals for today:

  • Get everything done on time, don't waste a minute. I have some important deadlines to meet.
  • Stay physically active. Still body=head empty
  • Be busy, but don't forget to rest
  • Be in control of my urges and my thoughts. Know what's important.

 

Have a good Sunday everyone, you got this!!!!

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