Jump to content
×
×
  • Create New...

NEW VIDEO: What TikTok Does to Your Brain

TheNewMe2.0's Journal - A Better Life


TheNewMe2.0
 Share

Recommended Posts

Positive: Still trying

I haven't given up on licensure yet. Although I had a major setback yesterday. I didn't feel comfortable with my supervisor who was doing everything else right other than making me feel comfy. So I cancelled on her. I'm pretty upset that it didn't go well with her because she did the low rate and was helping me get back logged hours sign off. So she was perfect except I felt so uncomfortable reading her emails that I didn't want to interact with her anymore. My mom was furious and chewed me out over it. I feel all stressed out from the process. I'm planning to never tell my mother anything about my work ever again. Because telling her good news eventually leads to sharing the bad news too and she can't handle bad news without blowing up on me and being a complete jerk to me. So it's best to just withhold any information about work from her so as to avoid the big mistake of setting off the powder keg that is my mom.

I'm looking for a new supervisor. They're all charging double what the old one was costing me. It sucks. I hope I find one who will at least do 80 and hour.

I smiled at birds

I accomplished getting up

I am gratefulf for birds, waking, affirmations, meditation, prayer, god, jesus, ths, mha, and the sky.

God bless

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

And I am grateful for you friend. 
 

I love reading your post because even though you are going through extremely challenging situations; your spirit remains joyful and loving. 
 

Sending strength to you today. 🙂

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

@Icandothis Thanks so much. It's good to see you. I do try to be good even when things are not so good and I have a lot to be grateful for still. Sending you courage.

Positive: I might qualify for medicaid.

So I made just enough that I'm close enough to claim medicaid I think. That's a good thing. It's not such a good thing because I'll probably have to change all my doctors and therapists to use the new health insurance. Which sucks because I like all the doctors I see. Which is really difficult to have happen for me because I'm so picky with people and things. But it's free vs 650 a month. So I think I can probably give it a try. If it doesn't work I can always write my doctors names down and go back to paying for their services.

I smiled at calypta new med I want to try

I accomplished sleeping

I am grateful for calypta, invega, sleep, blankets, pillows, tempurpedic, mattress, sheet, bears, and GQ community

God bless

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Positive: sort of scamming hours

Okay so. I basically have to get my old hours signed off on and no one wants to do that except this one lady I foound. But I can't deal with her energy. So instead of signing off and continuing our supervision. I'm just going to get the signed docs and find someone else once she's signed for me. That way I still get my 1300 hours and also get a new sup who will hopefully be better energy wise. Yep. This is my scam. Whatever you want to call it. I don't think she'll be too offended I think she'd maybe even be okay with just signing off and leaving she's pretty chill about stuffl ike that so far. But unfortunately I can't deal with her energy. After talking to her I'm unable to sleep for hours into the night and feel all stressed out.

I'm glad it's the weekend even though I have interviews to do today and I need to make a video for psych today. Bah. I'll get my hours of MHA and some weight lifting in. Just you wait. Mark my words.

I smiled at MHA

I accomplished planning to ift weights

I am grateful for plates, MHA, weights, eggs, costco, spinach, pencil, roku remote, roku sound bar, and new jacket

God bless

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Positive: I may have gotten a new job.

Well...I possibly got a new job the interview went well. The compensations really good, the supervision is excellent and they help you get a better profile up. Everything's great. Except one thing. I don't get good energy from them. I got such bad energy that I was up all night with insomnia and feel all tense and uncomfortable today still. Also I broke out in some acne and had some suicidal thoughts. I don't know if I can follow through with this job if I'm accepted. I just don't think I can handle that kind of bad energy. But everything else is so perfect about it it makes it difficult to turn down. And I've been looking for jobs for so long to avail too. Sighs. I really don't think I can handle working with that lady though. It's been too painful and too many symptoms from it.

It really does not help at all having my mom yelling at me in the background to take every job no matter how bad it feels for me with the energy. She really sucks at letting me be.

I smiled at my blanket

I accomplished making breakfast

I am grateful for blanket, breakfast, blue, texture, possible better job out there for me somewhere, bible, holyness, blueness of a wound, skin and wrinkles.

God bless

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Mind if I ask what you mean about by energy? What is it exactly that makes you feel uncomfortable about this person?

Don't have to respond if you don't want to. That's cool too.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

@DaBest It's just how I describe the feeling I get from interacting with someone. I'll imagine their energy as dark or light and it hurts or is okay with me. And usually it hurts me to be around others so I am kind of a recluse. It feels like I'm losing the sensations in my body especially in my left leg and it gets worse when I so much as think about the person that caused it. I may, for better or worse, still try to accept the position with the bad energy lady. In the hopes that I won't see her that often because she's the business owner. I'll still see her at monthly meetings though at the least and it's probably gonna suck to a large degree to work for her. And it'll probalby compromise my relationships with otehrs because I'll be in a terrible mood from dealing with the stress of the job. But maybe it's worth it to make better money and get licensed? It's like I'm giving up all that I value most for more money. It's a lot more though.

Positive: mom made dumplings for winter solstice

?Yum the dumplings are good and that means I have more time to write my post because I didn't have to make breakfast. Wonderful. I'll be honest it's real difficult to have something positive to share today. I felt like I had nothing positive to share. And I know it's because I'm dealing with this uncomfortable energy from the lady who interviewed me the other day. I haven't dealt with energy that caused me this much pain before. I don't know if I can handle seeing her regularly for work if she hires me. I've been having thoughts of suicide and wanting to be dead. I don't know if feeling this way is worth the money. But my mom is relentlessly pushing me to take the job anyways even if I do feel suicidal from having to work it. I could end up dead by suicide but I guess it's worth the risk for more money in my mom's eyes. I don't feel like I really want to do it. I just want to feel okay again.

I smiled at myself

I accomplished eating dumplings

I am grateful for me, dumplings, winter solstice, december, christmas, charger, clients, scooters, ramps, and rails.

God bless

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 12/17/2020 at 10:09 AM, TheNewMe2.0 said:

So it's best to just withhold any information about work from her so as to avoid the big mistake of setting off the powder keg that is my mom.

Part of growing up means learning what to share and what to keep secret. What is public and what is private. It's all about assertive boundaries that makes life easy and fun. The urge to share - and who deserves to have that information - is about self control because sharing bad information with certain people will hurt you.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

@TheNewMe2.0, yeah you're in a bit of a pickle. First off, and I know you know this, but please continue to get help IRL. I know you have support around you, but understand that these thoughts will pass and suicide is not the answer. If you ever need someone to talk to, as well, I'm always here to lend an ear and shoulder. Don't forget that.

Your health comes first, no matter what. If you're really struggling that hard with how this person makes you feel, it might be worth considering leaving. You are too important and there are always other ways of making money. And on top of that, despite how difficult some of your clients might be, you are creating so much good in the world! You've created a lot of good for me--if I count for anything. 

Your mom probably is pushing you about the job because she doesn't feel the same things you do about this person. To be honest, I've never had similar sensations to what you described, and I can't say how I'd react if I were in your shoes. I'm not so sure your mom understands there's a risk to begin with, in the first place. She might be angry with you because it might be a experience she's never felt before. I'd say assume she has best intentions for you, but maybe doesn't understand what's going on. 

And again, please get professional help if you need it. This is most important.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

@Bird By Bird Yeah good point. There's really a boundary line at what I can share and can't share with my mom. She just gets really mad at me because I have this people disorder where I don't feel comfortable with most people. So I'll pass on job offers or supervision if I feel uncomfortable and she's like no don't do that work with them even if you don't feel comfy

@DaBestI'm feeling better since I haven't had to talk to anyone I don't feel comfy with in a few days. Although I'm kind of trying to get hours out of one person that I'm uncomfy with and that's not fun. I'm glad I helped create good for you. And probably my clients too. I just hope I find a way to get supervised soon because It's been a long time of working without counting hours towards licensure and it sucks. Every week ends and I go to bed thinking, "Still no supervision. Still no counting hours. Another week of work towards nothing much." My mom doesn't get it. She's just like, well don't kill yourself and take the job no excuses. It's not helpful. All I can get is one therapy session every six weeks with Kaiser insurance. Most insurance companies are like this it kind of sucks.

Positive: I like my jacket

I have this huge north face jacket that was way too expensive. But it's very comfortable and I like it. I've been wearing it a lot since winter came. It's a bit bulky but other than that it's comfortable and warm. The collar is good and doesn't poke me in the face when I wear it. Yep it's my favorite jacket. I got a smaller backup jacket becuase I wanted something less bulky but I haven't been using it much because it's just so cold I need the big one. Gotta put it back in my closet and stop using the couch as my closet.

I'm still looking for a supervisor either at a new job or through psych today. I think I'd rather doing it through the site because I don't want to deal with changing jobs as my current job is functioning okay. It's definitely not ideal and my boss doesn't seem to like me but I haven't been fired and I like my clients so I don't want to mess that up or change it. I want to keep my clients and the best way to ensure that is to stay put at my job. I really think I might get fired someday for not working very many hours though. But we'll see I guess. I may have gotten a new client at my other job. So that's kind of chill. He wants to talk some about anxiety and I'll see if he wants to work with me or not after he hears what I do for that.

I applied for medicaid because I'm poor enough to. They were supposed to call me today but did not. So that's no good. Gotta email them.

I smiled at medicaid

I accomplished eating chocolate and packing lunch

I am grateful for medicaid, choco, lunch, mom, packin, bags, forks, lamps, chinese, and jacket.

God bless

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm very glad to hear you're feeling better right now. That's very unfortunate your mom feels that way.

It's gonna be a long slow grind to the top, but I'm sure we will make it.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

@DaBest Ya I hope we make it. Some days I'm not so sure. But I figure as long as there are still jobs to interview for and supervisors to interview out there I can possibly find someone to supervise me. Mom is jsut boundaries like you said. She can't handle the ups and downs of my process of finding a supervisor. It's best to keep it from her or she'll just keep blowing up on me if I don't try to accept every possible job and supervisor that comes my way even if they're not a good fit.

Positive: I got a new beanie

So my mom pulled this beanie out of the closet randomly for me. That's nice. It says carhartt which is probably someones name who made the hat. I like wearing it outside it keeps my head warm without the cumbersomeness of a hood. I've only got one session and two interviews today before I'm free for christmas break. Hooray. I've got some paperwork to put in on xmas but I'll get paid extra for it and it'll only take like 5-10minutes so it's fine. That's it for four days of peace and quiet. I am going to exercise and chill on my shows and food. It'll be great. Get some time to hang out with mom no doubt too. Although I wonder what she'll do when there's not much to do.

I smiled at fingernails

I accomplished putting on jacket

I am grateful for beanie, fingernails, jacket, people, sand tray, sea salt, himalayan, outside, inside, heater, warmth,

God bless

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Positive: it's Christmas Eve

Yay it's Christmas eve. I already got my present of a giant tv so that's nice. I'm gonna be enjoying that present throughout my xmas break. I get four days off in a row. It's great. Ah I woke up so happy to enjoy my break time. Gonna exercise, meditate, watch tv and maybe even cook. I've been eating frozen food lately and it's kind of not so great for me. So salty.

I found out today that my mom's losing a lot of money on her business. That's not good. Covid's really screwing her over on income with that business. That's too bad. I hope things turn around for her soon. We do have a vaccine now so hopefully things go back to normal soon.

I tried yet another med to no avail. There's only a few left before I'm stuck with somnolence and risperdal. I guess there are worse fates, but it would be really nice if I could find a new med that didn't cause somnolence and still took care of my schizophrenia. My mom's going on a trip to see some friends for a couple days so I'm gonna be just hanging out at the house by myself a lot. I guess that's alright because I do enjoy watching tv when it's quiet with no distractions. No mom walking around on her phone behind me.

It's really difficult in these times when I have a lot of free time to not go back to gaming. Gaming takes so much time when I have breaks like this I have a thought about playing because I have time suddenly. But being on here and positing helps me remember to stay away from games. Even if I grow old and retire to still stay off the games for life. It's for the best. Even if all I do is watch the same three shows. It's better than gaming because I won't be heavily addicted and feeling bad.

I smiled at james

I accomplished banana

I am grateful for james, banana, clients, mat, tables, supergirl, catco magazine, james olsen, hank henshaw, and brainy.

God bless

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Positive: It's Christmas Hooray

Merry Christmas everyone. I'm glad we could all make it here for xmas. Wow aptly for today there is snow outside. It's a white Christmas indeed. Hope mom drives home safely. She texted me about someone and I got bad energy just from hearing about her text about someone else. I didn't know that was possible so I'm not sure if it'll be bad or not. I guess I'll still give talking to them a try. It's four days of Supergirl for me. Yep. My mom's friend sent us a chinese duck which is great for me because now I don't have to cook anything. It's really good with plum sauce and little green onion things too. I think the white bread it came with was hurting my stomach so I'm going to try eating it with whole wheat bread. It's pretty good sitting on the couch watching Supergirl. My severely limited life doesn't look so bad when I'm alone living it like this. I like being alone. No one's energy or noise disturbs me. But I know I can't be alone forever. I've got to work and at least have a relationship with my mom. Eventually I'll have to be in some kind of nursing setup hopefully living in my own home in the last years of my life.

My life is really pretty bad in a lot of ways. It's screwed up. I can't have relationships with just about everyone because their energy isn't good for me. This prevents me from taking jobs and relationships on. My meds cause somnolence and weight gain. I can't do substances, video games and I can only watch 3 tv shows with some relative safety to it. I can't read any books listen to or play music or do art or board games. I really can't do almost everything. It's lucky I at least have three shows and one relationship I guess. But what will I do when my mom's gone? Be alone for the last thirty years of my life? I understand there's still a small hope of finding someone to be friends or date. And to find a better job/supervisor. But the chances are so slim it's almost impossible to find a new opportunity. I feel all but hopeless. And that's a pretty accurate way to feel statistically speaking. I guess I still have that tiny bit of hope.

I smiled at hope

I accomplished eat yogurt

I am grateful for hope, yogurt, yoga, mat, towel, blocks, text, mom, xmas, peoples,

God bless

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Positive: Made it through yesterday

I wasn't doing so good yesterday. I think I might be getting a bad reaction from the Invega sample. Well it'll be pretty much out of my system by today probably. But yeah I was feeling pretty down yesterday. I just felt like God gave me a bad life and I didn't want to live it anymore. My life does seem to be getting worse as time goes on. It's kind of sad really. I may not even be able to watch my three shows after a while. I might lose them and be forced to just meditate 8 hours a day to pass the time. I'd be really like . . . bored? Trying to do that. I don't know if I could mentally handle it. But that's pretty much my only option if I lose my ability to watch the shows. It's the music in them. When they play songs it gets stuck in my head and drives me nuts. I try to mute it when they play loud music for parts of the show but it's only working so well. I don't know if I will be able to keep on with the shows. I surely hope so though. They're just about the only thing that allows me to still hang out with other people and have friends. If I can't watch my shows with others then I'll lose the one thing that allows me to keep hanging out with others. God help me.

I smiled at my post

I accomplished praying

I am grateful for my post, prayer, god, yogurt, shows, mute, salt tray, buddhism, meditation, cold, and hot.

God bless

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Positive: journaling about positive things is good for longevity

In a study done on nun's journals. They found that the more one wrote about positive things the longer they lived. So that's why I start every journal off with something positive. Not that I care entirely that much about living long. I just figure it's healthy and good for me so why not do it. Let's be positive, it'll make you live longer and probably be happier too. I have a great tv and soundbar setup. I like eating my morning breakfast sandwich. My flash doll is super cute and keeps me company on my lovely couch which doesn't hurt my back. Thank God for all these things. I have a lot of sparkling water that I drink lately because I'm home to enjoy it. That's great. It's like soda but with no calories or sugar. I'm doing a little more yoga lately which makes me feel better. I lifted 180lbs for a deadlift recently thats good too. And my mom's back. Which has it's pros and cons but you know it's probably better to have her around than not. She gets a lot of things done.

Actually having my mom gone for the weekend made me want to live in my own place. I just really like being more alone. No one talking to you all the time. Just peace and quiet. Of course that'd be difficult to find looking for a room for rent. Especially with my energy disorder to find people I'm comfortable around. And if I found a basement place it'd be kind of noisy I'm sure. So it'd have to be in the main house which is less private. Yeah with all that in mind I'd probably be wanting to stay at my mom's house as long as I can. Maybe until I can buy an apartment or a small house. Then I could live on my own in peace and quiet with no one else bothering me with their noise. That'd be good. I wonder what a down payment on a small house would cost. I'll look around on Zillow some.

I'm doing a bit better with the mental health. Seeing my mom yesterday really stressed me out. It always stressed me out to see her after she hangs out with her friends. I don't know what it is but that's what happens. I thought maybe it's because she talks to them about my career progress and then she gets stressed or picks up their energy or something. At any rate it caused me to not sleep well last night.

I smiled at car rides

I accomplished morning routiune

I am grateful for cars, rides, routines, mornings, evenings, eggs, salt, pepper, grass, rails, stairs,

God bless

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

positive: still getting job calls

Well still getting job calls. I got a job offer but I didn't feel good energy with the person to an exteme extent so I figured I woudn't take it sadly. It was such a good job other than the energy being bad too. EVerything was good about it. Ah. Darn my disease. Hopefully I find something.

I smiled at lifesavers

I accomplished calling them back

I am grateful for jobs, money, supervisors, lifesavers, callbacks, phones, text, words, people and my clients

God bless

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Merry belated Christmas to you too! 

Schizophrenia is hard. My grandmother had it and my uncle has it currently. There's always hope. I wasn't alive when he was really bad, but apparently a few decades ago he was really struggling with it. It's still difficult for him, but he is much better now and was the bedrock for my grandmother (not the same as before) when he took care of her when she was really old. Modern medicine can work wonders sometimes.

With any luck you'll find something that will make it better. It might just take time. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

@DaBest Ya merry xmas. I have some small hope that they'll invent new medicine for schizophrenia and it'll be better for me than my current meds. But yeah it'll probably take years before I can even try something new. There's a new med out called calypta but it's super expensive I don't think I can pay for it until medical companies start stocking it as a regular drug. Thank you.

Positive: I dunno I'm kind of feeling better

I seem to have come out of a depressive funk where I was feeling pretty suicidal and down on my life. So that's good. I've been dealing with way too much stress and got mad at a client yesterday because I was so stressed out about jobs and supervisors. So I'm gonna just work on that stuff twice a week on tues thurs to keep it to a minimum while still making progress. I don't want to overexert myself and get all burned out stressed out like I have been from doing like non stop applications and interviews.

I'm still pretty bummed that I wasn't able to accept the job that paid 50/hour. That's double my current rate. So that really sucks I can't accept that job because I felt the owner of the company had bad energy and seeing her every month would push me to feel suicidal almost for sure. I don't want to put myself in that situation. But gosh it is still really hard to turn down the offer when it would double my pay. And they said their supervisor just signs off on whatever hours you give him so it would be so much easier to earn my license there too. It's really tragic that the energy was no good. Now I feel like I'll probably find a supervisor that cost me too much and doesn't do all that much and won't find a job that pays more. It's not good. But I've got to move on it's all I can do. Just keep looking for a job with good energy. I'm planning to take photos in the woods today for my pt profile. Maybe I can drum up more customers.

I smiled at fate

I accomplished bringing formal attire

I am grateful for woods, fate, formal attire, collared shirts, buttons, stripes, plaid, cold, warmth, car

God bless

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

@chiliflavor Thanks friend. I'm happy to have made it to one year. My life's still all messed up in many ways. But knowing I've made it a year off games is invigorating and makes me feel good about my future. I have come a long way even if I haven't made it yet.

@alvayusoThank you. I'll keep it up. You too.

Positive: still meditating

I'm meditating 24 minutes a day now. I upped it by ten minutes a day recently. So that's chill. I'm not getting my weight lifting in because of work. I'm hoping that I'll get on meds that will decrease somnolence and increase potential workout time. That would be a Godsend. Still trying and doing my best. Wish me luck. Thanks for being here for me everyone.

I smiled at GQ

I accomplished drinking water (it was tough but I did it)

I am grateful for GQ ofc, my community, everyone on here, water, 80 oz, my lamp, remote, supergirl, notebook, jobs, supervisors, mom

God bless

 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am a bit sad that the GC community isn't bigger to be honest. I miss some more movement around here. What is the meds issue? Are you having troubles to sleep? I have some degree of anxiety and I am also struggling to sleep as much as I wanted to (and without waking up in the middle of the sleep), but through meditation and relaxing activities I am usually able to control it, not always tho.

You do not need luck dude, you accomplished something huge already just by yourself, you can do this :99_muscle:

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

@alvayusoIt might be nice if the community was bigger. It is only so few people on here. My meds make me sleep 13 hours a night so I'm trying to find a replacement med that doesn't do that. It's for schizophrenia. That's good that meditation and self care are working for you. I do the same and it helps me sleep better too but some life stressors are just too much and keep me up. Thanks. The community helped me stay clean too.

Positive: Still alive and living

I went through a bad day yesterday. I wasn't completely sure what set me off. I think it was either my boss chewing me out because she thinks I'm not being professional enough. Or it was this new client that was all talking about his anxiety. Or maybe both who knows. One way or another I was so upset and stressed I went into suicide mode. And just laid around in bed unable to sleep for a while having suicidal thoughts. It wasn't the best time I've ever had sleeping. It's times like these that make me wonder if I'll even be able to be a therapist because I have this bad reaction to clients. And this is just to one client session I'm supposed to do 30 a week. I can't even handle one. I dunno what to do honestly. I feel kind of numb and just like I don't want to try anymore to fix things. I'm just going to keep living my life as is and the suicidal thoughts can come and go as they please. I've no energy left to try to fight them directly. Or anything or anyone. I'm just kind of numb and dead now. I was thinking maybe the new meds I'm trying will make things better. That'd be nice.

Well I have some sessions with my IIH job so I'll go do that and earn the little money I get. Yep.

I smiled at life

I accomplished getting through morning routine

I am grateful for life, MR, vaccine, money, job, enduring misery, pork or something, bones, meat, fat,

God bless

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Damn, it must be hard to deal with the schizophrenia man, I hope you doing well with that. I used to smoke weed everyday (I stopped like 7 or 8 months ago) and I was having a hard time (most time alone, just smoking weed, playing videogames and masturbating), so after a while of that lifestyle I thought I developed schizophrenia. That was like 3 years ago, and I am much better now, but dude I remember being so afraid, I could not even control my mind due to that lifestyle.

I read that you are a therapist right? I can't tell without that many data but, I would say you may take your patients' problems too personal, so you also feel the anxiety too? 

Bosses are sometimes a pain in the ass, would you like to explain what happened exactly?

You are not alone with the suicidal thoughts, I also have problems at home now (primarily because of the fucking covid-19) and yesterday was the moment I most felt suicidal in a while (I also woke up way too early, after sleeping like 6 h, and had a hard time trying to sleep again, when I cannot sleep I felt like shit). Those come a and go anyway dude, try not to stick to the thoughts and focus on the good things. In the end, the worst that can happen in life is dying, game over, at least try to be as happy as possible while we are on this event which is living. 

Stay strong dude, you are not alone.

Edited by alvayuso
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share