alvayuso

Hey dude! Welcome back! I entered GameQuitters the 1st day I stopped gaming (25 days ago, wow), and I really like what you said about having a supportive community and great teachers, it is a great reflection that I felt myself a bunch of times. I think that without any community I would not have been able to complete many things in my life, not gonna lie. I also watch gameplays everyday (some days more, some days less), but I think I should start asking you what do you enjoy doing, your hobbies. Usually, spending too much in social media (including youtube) indicates that there is not much going on in your life, not many challenges to face, not many good habits that keep you away from the silly box 2.0 (that is how a friend called youtube, and it certainly can be if you mindlessly browse and consume without the intention of putting in practice the knowledge you consumed). Apart from that, I can understand why youtube is an issue nowadays, it is much more interesting than regular TV, you just have to differentiate the time you wanna spend just mindlessly watching something on youtube (something pretty sane if you do not overdo it) and the time you wanna really invest in yourself and in the future of that brilliant life you talk about. Hope to hear from you soon buddy! Álvaro.

I hope the new med works well on you man, it is a process of trying and realizing which one works the best with you right? As far as I know, there is no rule for schizo meds, they just work better or worse in different people. Yeah, weed is linked to triggering schizophrenia, on the bright side, you always had it there, so it could be worse if you triggered it when older, I don't know to be honest. In my case it has been like a feeling of not being able to control my mind, I usually speak to myself even during basic actions, such as cleaning my hands or something, I start saying like: there we go so now checking this, and maybe pee... hahah it sounds stupid, but I think it could be due to be alone way too much. I live with my parents, but the relationship is shit (it has always been shit, that is one of the reasons I just played videogames everyday, but in the past, when I felt worse and I was not living with my parents, I could be dragged inside worries and thoughts, and due to weed effects, I sometimes realized that I was thinking out loud in front of a wall in my room (I lived with other 2 guys, so I usually felt like my room was the safe place, and did not leave it, even if I did not have a bad relationship with them), that thing, plus the constant chatter in my mind, and being unable to relax without my vices, leaded me to think I was schizophrenic, and suffering schizophrenic symptoms due to weed consumption maintained over a long period of time apparently is something common too, it is called 'paranoia', but I was so scared of having it that I also developed that kind of hypochondria... It was such a hard time for me in life, for real... Anyway, I would like to know how you developed the schizophrenia and how you realized it, a bit of your story, if you don't mind of course. Well, if you are a therapist there is nothing I can tell you, I am sure you have a therapist too that can help you, telling you advices on how to overcome that feeling when you are next to people in a slow and steady way right? When they said you were not nice enough in your emails, you mean emails between to your clients or to them? I know how you feel... Try to give it some perspective, you could be facing worse problems with your boss or co-workers, but instead you are suffering from stupidities from then don't you think? P.S.: I started skateboarding 2 weeks ago, why should it give you acne dude? Hahaha, give it a try, start slow, maybe you enjoy it! It is definitely very relaxing (to me), and a much better way to spend your time than watching the silly box ;) I send you my best wishes this new year friend. 'If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it' -Mary Engelbreit.

Hey Dennis, I have read your story, a lot of us passed through similar situations. For me were shooters, from there to LoL, then Rocket League, I have always been highly competitive, but luckily enough, I always saw WoW as a 'life eater' (even more than regular videogames), so I managed to stay away from it (even if later I was playing LoL as much as I could). You know? Regretting about past bad choices is like regretting life lessons you needed to learn by heart. Who knows? Maybe your relationship with that girlfriend would have ended even worse due to something else, so do not think about the past, watch the hopeful future you have in front of you! The opportunity to develop your true self and new healthier habits, with new and closer friends that will bring you true happiness in life, not that plastic-like happiness that videogames, drugs or vices in general provide! And most important, be present, enjoy the moment. You know time never comes back. Lastly, I would suggest you a couple of books that helped me a lot during the journey, the first is '12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos' by Jordan B. Peterson, and the other is 'Atomic Habits' by James Clear (I highly recommend you to listen this last one as an audiobook, but if you really enjoy audiobooks, you could listen to both). Stay strong bro, you are not alone.

Damn, it must be hard to deal with the schizophrenia man, I hope you doing well with that. I used to smoke weed everyday (I stopped like 7 or 8 months ago) and I was having a hard time (most time alone, just smoking weed, playing videogames and masturbating), so after a while of that lifestyle I thought I developed schizophrenia. That was like 3 years ago, and I am much better now, but dude I remember being so afraid, I could not even control my mind due to that lifestyle. I read that you are a therapist right? I can't tell without that many data but, I would say you may take your patients' problems too personal, so you also feel the anxiety too? Bosses are sometimes a pain in the ass, would you like to explain what happened exactly? You are not alone with the suicidal thoughts, I also have problems at home now (primarily because of the fucking covid-19) and yesterday was the moment I most felt suicidal in a while (I also woke up way too early, after sleeping like 6 h, and had a hard time trying to sleep again, when I cannot sleep I felt like shit). Those come a and go anyway dude, try not to stick to the thoughts and focus on the good things. In the end, the worst that can happen in life is dying, game over, at least try to be as happy as possible while we are on this event which is living. Stay strong dude, you are not alone.

I am a bit sad that the GC community isn't bigger to be honest. I miss some more movement around here. What is the meds issue? Are you having troubles to sleep? I have some degree of anxiety and I am also struggling to sleep as much as I wanted to (and without waking up in the middle of the sleep), but through meditation and relaxing activities I am usually able to control it, not always tho. You do not need luck dude, you accomplished something huge already just by yourself, you can do this

Absolute beast, that is the way bro keep it going!

Dude, I have the same feeling, and I think it is my mind trying to trick me to go back playing, even a lil bit, because I match with most of those things (I usually played more than I should, I couldn't stop easily, I have given up activities just to game more...) and after 23 days of no gaming, I have this thoughts that, I could play certain games, but in reality I think I am trying to trick myself into gaming again... In my opinion, I think I should not game for a long long time..

I find this kinda weird... If your husband was into crystal meth and he spent a lot of time getting high by himself, would you start taking it to try to communicate with him? No right? I know it is not the same, but that would solve nothing. In my opinion @GamingWidower, you should try to show her how this 'hobby' is in reality eating her entire life. I am not gonna enter on how you are doing with the relationship (romanticism, etc), I am gonna assume you are trying to have an interesting and sane relationship. Maybe having a deep conversation she can realize how much time she is dedicating to something that does not actually exist. If the situations goes even further you may have to go with your wife to couple therapy, those things help a lot to make your partner know what you really feeling, because sometimes when you live with someone for too much time you end up not taking too serious what they say. Planning activities to do together would be something helpful too, better if they are done outside. Good luck pal.

I think you have hit the target on that, I usually tend to try to help people way too much with their problems, as is that is what they really want, and that makes people uncomfortable, because I recently realized people not always want to solve their problems, sometimes that people just want to feel victims and feel sorry for themselves, but not actually improve their situation... So that is a really good advice, I am gonna take notes on that dude, thanks! That article you sent me, I read it and I can tell you that, I have read similar ones, but this one was pretty good, certainly things we sometimes instinctively fall into and that are pretty toxic. I will read it a couple of times definitely. Hope you good @WorkInProgress, merry Christmas and happy new year if we do not talk until then ;)

@WorkInProgress Hey dude! Excuse me but, how I told you previously, I just don't find much time to come here and just write, I really wanted to answer you earlier but I just couldn't. I feel like I do not wanna be on the computer, recently the computer has turned from the source of escapism to the source of the boring tasks (such as continue with my thesis, or my online classes), so my brain want to avoid it at all cost, it is just trying to avoid anxiety I guess. I have been primarily skateboarding, working out and sometimes playing chess with my father. I don't know how to turn this boring tasks into rewarding tasks, I just feel anxiety and boredom when I am working on them and even if I know it is essential to complete them, it feels like if my brain would be kicking me inside when I am approaching them.. It is certainly annoying... Anyway, I want to thank you so much for your advices, the other day my friend and I hanged out in person, and we did not talk about it but I felt him like always, and I realized I am improving at social skills, just by being out of videogames really, because I have not hanged out with anyone in a long time, so I did not feel like I should bring up the thing, I am just gonna try to avoid certain topics for now. I am glad he is not mad or anything with me and as long as we can maintain our friendship, idc what he socially or politically thinks, it does not affect me and it should not be the thing to talk about if I want to avoid that kind of conflict. About the simp thing, I have had a different story, I mean, I have been with a bunch of girls in the past, but I have never realized how to be, since I have never had a proper role model on that, so I would fuck up on several things (like trying to lie to the girl like I want something when I just want to have sexual relationships), and recently I have been figuring out how to do this kind of things, and how to accept that I am who I am, and that you do not need to be TestosteroneMan to be a high quality man and a man proud of himself, some men are just more emotional than others, I just have to embrace a part of myself that I have been trying to deny for a long time (without any result by the way), and improve on things I know I can improve, things that require practice and confidence (like approaching women) and that would help me with my self-esteem a lot. I have never developed a 'player' dude, not much to say about it, I think I would still have fun if I do while I am young, I may have a good time, but it is not my priority at all. Apart from that, the idea that women in general are just less insterested in things than men, and that men are less interested in people than women (IN GENERAL) is real, and I could be writing a whole bunch of paragraphs about it but I think it would be better just to discuss about it, I am always open to discussions, and if you feel like I would be pleased to hang out on discord to chat with you about this, I think it is really interesting! Talking about my father... Man he is just weak. I tried to be again compassionate with him after I read you on Tuesday, and I approached him to teach him how to do some stretches, and he has been doing them but he was like: well I am not gonna do more apart from this cause this ones are just fine. I was like... alright... Then the next day I showed him how he should lose weight, he just told me it was too complex and I think he is not even trying. Whatever man, I am just way too tired. Things at home are fucked up all on the same way: people denying things so they become problems. My grandma has had several problems recently because of some things that would take me a long time to explain, but in general, all because she is also obese. She cries and says that she does not want to drag us with her problems, but even after HUGE efforts to help her to stay in a good health condition, I catch her hidden eating, things she shouldn't, but when she can eat as much salad as she wants, or other things, she does not... My dad also denying all of that. My mother literally 100% of the time complaining but doing nothing to stop complaining. It is all fucked up in the same way, and I am sad to admit that I cannot help them. I am gonna focus on my thing and try to avoid thinking on the stupid things that happen here with my family, because it really drives me mad.

@Bird By Bird Excuse me if I sounded rude but the only comments from you in my posts have been the one on my presentation which I found a bit negative, and this one, and it pissed me a lil bit. I know it is not an instrument but it does not make it inferior, and I understood that, it is a different way of creating music and it is fun, that is what is truly important. Do not take it personal bro I just felt like it was not a very accurate comment.

Yo dude! @WorkInProgressNice to know from you! Yea, speaking with someone else definitely clears ideas, and if this person is good at motivating, it will certainly motivate you! That is what I usually try :P, I am also glad we can continue our dialogs around here (dude I am getting better on typing just by writing this hella long messages, dang hahah Ok I will start with the issue with my friend. This feelings are not simply towards this last thing, let me elaborate a little bit. I know this guy since I was like 7 or 8. He is 3 years older than I, but we did not became friend until several years passed (when I was 14). I will skip this part so I do not bore you with useless info. We maintained a good friendship since then and he was the only one that had a brighter way to think than the others guys in the group, which split in several pieces. When I was pretty fucked up, in the darkest hole of weed, videogame and porn consumption, plus being super lonely, I talked with him one day again (after idk, 2 years without speaking with him) and we met through discord to play games together. After playing some with him I explained him the situation, and that I was trying to fight back but it was pretty hard (not the entire problem, I skipped the porn usage because for some reason it is the most embarrassing thing back then). Since then he played quite a lot with me almost everyday, I could guess he was not having many connections lately too, so I think he was also pretty glad of playing with me. After that we have discussed many things, and he had to help me to understand pretty simple things (like social situations, since I was pretty far behind due to the lack of socializing lately), things that make me feel embarrassed of myself, and that hurt your ego, that someone has to explain you, and I guess he could see it in the way I would speak about it with him. Despite the fact that I was not having much socialization, I would think about what he says me, since I don't want to have messed ideas in my mind, a good student do not just memorize, but rationalize ideas, and sometime I'd argue him, and we usually found common ground, even sometimes I corrected his ideas (which I could feel wasn't the most pleasant feeling for him). After like 5 years now from that, we have had maaaaaaaaaaaaany of those, but I have felt like he does not understand I am not in the same position anymore, so I feel like he keeps trying to 'teach' me things, and when I disagreed and showed him my thoughts about the topic I think he sometimes (not always) ended like a bit pissed or a bit upset about it. I just let it go like, I hope he understands, and even if we had tension I let him feel like I could still find valuable some of their ideas and take it as mine (which in my opinion shows respect), but when I do the opposite, disagree and show him my point of view, lately he has been upset in a higher rate (I feel), just like if he would be thinking 'what is this dude gonna try to teach me, you have not left your house almost in years and you come here to teach me what'. Again, I could be making it all in my mind, but I truly think it is what it's happening and I am tired of speaking with him about it and trying to find common ground to leave the tensions behind (something I usually did if I felt like I had to, if I felt it was my fault, swallowing the ego because I fucking value his friendship a shit ton, and he also did a couple of times), so I am at the point of 'fuck it dude, whatever you say', and I do not want to send bad vibes or anything, I feel so much gratitude since he was helping so much having someone to talk with that I do not want to just explode with him or anything, so I decided I am gonna let it go and let him write me or call me when he feels like. Apart from that, it pisses me off a lot when I get called misogynist, because I have been almost a SIMP for many years, and I am waking up since some months ago, and this kind of shit awakens this inner 'they maybe right, women deserve blablabla...' in my mind, this shit thoughts that put me where I was in the first place for many years, and it pisses me off sooo much. Women deserve equal opportunities and equal respect just like anyone, but men and women are different biologically and it makes changes in the brain that make them be interested in different things. Nothing more to say about the subject. Excuse me for maybe writing way too much but I felt you should need to know. So, and my father well, to be honest I try to treat him like a grown kid, I have been where he was (eating super bad, anxious all time, trying to escape with whatever it is, idc if it is weed, food, porn or videogames, but eventually you have to face your problems and he is not a little boy, he is a grown man that has worked for many years bringing income to run a family, not easy task to do at all, so I try to motivate him showing him he can do it, I show him the small steps and everything, he does not have to think, he just have to commit, believe in me and be disciplined with himself (which sounds kinda stupid trying to teach this things to my father). He just lets himslef sliiiide so easy, spending hours on the phone talking with whoever about political issues that he repeats over and over again, like he is going to change how it is if he says them so many times. It is his responsibility, his hips hurt as fuck and he makes faces and says like 'uuuuuuuuhhhh....ssssssshhh aaaaaahhh....' but he still doesn't commit even if you tell him the consequences he is going to have to face, that is my father, and honestly I am quite pissed of the pussy way he faces problems, and the way he denies them to himself just laughing about them like if he laughs about how fat he is, it is not going to be a problem, and he even insults me when I asked him if he noticed he is obese, he is like 'ahhahaha fuck you' and flips me the middle finger... And it makes me feel like if I was dealing with an 11 year old boy dude. That kind of feeling over many different things have been happening during my entire life, and I understand you have not lived with him your entire life and you are empathic towards him, but I am not that empathic anymore. I have my own problems and I have to put so much mental endurance and strength in order to overcome then that, after I have spent so much time trying to make him think without almost no result in this aspect, it makes me feel pissed and tired...

DAY 13 (12/20/2020) Almost 2 weeks off... Damn, I can't believe this to be honest. This days I have been continuing my thesis and working out primarily, although I have lost way too much time in Youtube, I feel like I can control better that than playing videogames, which was uncontrollable for me. Today I helped my father to face his denials. He tried to make me give him a massage on the leg, because he has psoriatic arthritis and he has pains because he does not move at all, never, he even complains when my mother tells him to go for a little walk, so I showed him reality, which is that he cannot be taking care of his mobility problems only when he cannot walk or even move, he had to start taking care of them long time ago, and if he wants it to not get worse, he will have to work on getting fitter and doing some exercise. I have talked with him about this many times and he has never done it. He ends up eating bad and not moving at all and I told him long time ago that he will face further problems and I am not taking responsibility of his actions (he is 59, weights 79.3 kg and has a 30.58% body fat), so I hope this time, he could see that he is not doing enough, therefore he has to do something about it, and start now. Apart from that, I faced a little argument (well it was not an argument, but he said something that really pissed me off), I was trying to buy a second hand music keyboard, and the woman (I say woman because in the picture you could see a medium age woman, like 45-50 years old), when I asked if it came with a power supply, she told me it works with batteries, which are a comfortable power supply and that they last quite long, so it made me laugh and I sent it to my friend to show him, he told me that she has no idea, and I should not buy from her, I told him literally: bah, it is a woman (trying to refer it as a quite old woman), I am pretty sure she doesn't even know how electricity works. And don't take me wrong, I know well that there are some women into technology, and that know more than I do, I am not referring that women know nothing cause they are women, but because they are not usually interested in knowing what it is about. Well, my friend referred my thought as machismo, and started telling me that there are also men than don't know what a power supply is (which I am pretty sure it does), so I got really confused, surprised and pissed off, and I did not want to start an argument, so I just let him day those things and I answered sincerely and he finally said: but whatever, you should not buy from her because she has no idea. I am pretty sure I am not misogynist person, I just think women and men (IN GENERAL) have different interests, and that do not transform me into a misogynist person just for calling it out, so after this last incident I am gonna give him his space, because it is not the first time we argue about something and lately we ended having too much tension between us and I do not want to do something wrong, so I am gonna get the fuck out and do my things. I have also been trying to ride the skate, since I always wanted to learn, and I never could (videogames were safer, faster and less embarrassing), but now, at 25, I really want to learn how to skate, and I am pretty happy with that, I think I am developing a pretty big pool of hobbies and that is quite nice, since I do not have many urges, I have had some, but not many, and I am pretty proud of myself on that. Let's see how thigs come the next days.

Hey @WorkInProgress I have been a bit off GameQuitters, I started feeling like it is a task, and I lost the... drive or motivation to keep doing it consistently, but I am back! Yea, tbh I have several things in my life right now and I should also prioritize, but shit quitting games have opened so much time, and between the workout, my thesis, now I started skateboarding, which I discovered it releases a lot of anxiety, dude I forgot to keep going with 'Respawn', and also to keep going with the audiobook, although I have kept this couple of concepts I could learn from it in my head, I found them really interesting. Stoic seems much appropriated, it is something so hard to me tho. I consider myself an extrovert even if I sometimes have a hard time trying to socialize with new people because of my lack of experience, when I am comfortable with people I tend to share a lot of ideas, and I literally have to tell myself to shut up a bit. That is something that I felt weed helped with, when I was high I did not feel the drive to keep going on thinking or talking, so I do not put myself in embarrassing situations when I find that I kept talking way too much, or that I am asking too many questions. I would like to know your opinion on this aspect.

Yo @rivers ! Nah don't worry, I also took some time off GameQuitters. I mean, no doubts that it is helpful but it is also like... a task to do, and if I am doing this (replying people or writing on my journal), I want it to be as fun as it could be for me. Well, my parents are this kind of ignorant people that say that they do not do drugs, but they drink some wine (not much not gonna lie), my father drinks literally 4-5 coffees a day, and I am pretty sure he uses some kind of anxiolytic to sleep better, so yea hahah, definitely they do not do drugs. And also they tended to think that smoking weed equals almost to injecting heroine, so... quite rough on that. I have never had proper drug education at home. Neither education to be a man proud of himself or his relationships, I had to discover all by myself, which is rewarding, but tough, so many years lost in denial of my own problems, and thinking not accurately which the problems are. Yea same to you dude, I hope you embrace life and the best of the luck. There is always a bright side on anything ;).

Dude, I am asking myself what is your motivation on writing this kind of comments... Have you checked what defines a musical instrument? Let me tell you it takes 1 min and a MIDI controller does not fit into that definition. It is nothing worse, neither better, it is what it is.

Hey @Dagnet! Welcome to the forum, it is interesting that you have stepped up into GameQuitters, that sounds like a part of yourself do not want to keep up with the dopamine loop you have created around videogames, and you should consider that action as a moment of lucidity inside the patterns of living you have created around addiction. I would ask you to think about something real quick: what is your motivation in gaming? Our founder Cam has a video on that, and there are 4 answers to that question: escapism (just leaving the real world to live in the virtual one, so you can void any real problem you could be living, physically, mentally, or both), measured growth (you know, as human beings, we try to be better on what we do, and when we do it, we have also the feeling of a dopamine rush, that mixed with an hyper stimulant world like the world of videogames, it creates super intense feelings, that create deep emotions towards videogames), socialization (it is the place where you meet people that love the same thing you do, and therefore you can create friendships, even if they usually are fragile like in videogames), and challenge (having an activity that creates a challenge is something also so attached to human beings, being able to achieve something difficult gives us again this dopamine rush, even if it is something mostly lucky (like winning a game on LoL, where there are other 9 people apart from you)). Cam has a lot of videos about it, and they are right there for free. Now, if you are decided to quit and you want the complete guide step by step without spending too much time gathering information in youtube videos, I would highly recommend you to buy 'Respawn' from Cam in his website gamequitters.com. It will provide you with all the information, step by step, everything you need to stop your addiction with the less pain possible (because you will find useless to stop doing what you REALLY want to do, your mind is gonna drag you down day after day until you come back to videogames). Oh, also creating a journal in the forum is really helpful, you will find yourself committed into quitting, and people will also, so they will reach and try to give you advices and tips, or just to talk with you, which usually it is very appreciated. Good luck dude. Regards. Álvaro.

DAY 7 (12/13/2020) Since the 4th day or so creating this journal, I used to write about my previous day, since at night I feel myself pretty tired and I am not able to remember well my thoughts or my actions, so I think it is a good way to train my brain into remembering things from yesterday, and also I find other moments when I have more energy to write about my day. I am not sure if it is a good practice in reality, in my mind it sounds good, but I could be creating excuses to not do it the same day. I'd like to know what any of my readers think about it. Apart from it, yesterday I found myself without time, not because I was doing anything too productive, but because I became interested in a specific kind of instrument. Well, it is not an instrument, it is a MIDI controller, in particular the mini versions of them. They are relatively small gadgets that come with a 25 key keyboard, some pads and some knobs, in addition to some other buttons that allow you to control different aspects of the music you playing or even the entire session. My father listened to me speaking with a friend about it, and he told me that he was looking for one of those, since he wants to record some instruments to help him while practicing with the guitar or the drums (that he plays at a beginner level), so I have been checking videos, gathering information about them and the DAWs (the software you use to load the instruments and everything into the MIDI controller, and I lost way too much time since I felt it was so interesting (and I had to continue with my thesis, which is basically much more boring), and I ended up losing way too much time. Nothing really interesting happened this two days. I have barely cravings to play videogames. Sometimes flashbacks of Rocket League come to my mind, and I have some cravings not gonna lie, but I have to fight it, the feeling I have about it like if it is my 'passion' is not that much a 'passion' but my source of escapism, challenge and measured growth, and I need to find those outside of videogames. To be honest, I don't miss much the social aspect of videogames, I usually found myself into situations where I am playing a game in reality I don't want to play, with people that I do not really enjoy being with, so that aspect is not really something I feel cravings towards right now, to be honest (not saying I do not need to fill it tho, it is important but to be honest, not the highest priority right now). I am looking forward to get one of those MIDI controllers and start practicing and learning how it works, how Ableton (the DAW I choose to use) works and start creating something interesting with them. Not that I want to speed that process, but I feel it would help me to have something interesting, challenging and with measured growth, so I do not think that much on videogames.

Glad to hear from you @WorkInProgress! Before answering your last message, let me tell you that I started to listen to 'Atomic habits', and now I understand all you talking about not identifying anymore as a gamer, and that you are not very good in finding flexible 'triggers' or 'queues' as they are mentioned in the book. Well let me tell you that you have some responsibilities now, and your range of 'habit movement' is gonna be limited because of that, so I would ask you if you did the exercise of prioritizing (you know, putting on a paper which kind of habits you need the most in your life so your quality of life is gonna improve the most). If you did not I would ask you to do that and start one step at a time. Imagine that it is essential that you prioritize 3 habits, then guess improvements that are small enough so you can achieve them, but big enough so they are a challenge for your conscious mind, and stick to those improvements for 3-4 weeks. After that period of time repeat the process. After listening to the first hour of the audio book, I am pretty satisfied of the content (I thought it was going to be something like: you should workout to feel good, or something like that hahah), and those are the conclusions I got from it by now: prioritize, enough improvements, stick to those for enough time, repeat. Now I realize how my life has gone so bad for this long time, it is really easy to neglect small bad habits, and then introduce them to your daily basis, that one day you wake up depressed, out of shape, with a terrible stomach-ache or headache (or both) and craving some kind of drugs or videogames or food... I am gonna stick to the process of developing better habits, and I am gonna start realizing the queue, the craving, the response and the reward of every habit I want to adopt/improve and then start the process of adopting and identifying myself as the person I want to be, and ask myself how this person would act, and in my case, I want to start to identify as a cold person (cold in the sense that is able to control the emotions and the impulses, like letting anxiety build up when something is not exactly going as expected or so), that is the most important to me, and I am gonna develop an entire new section of my journal here just focused on habits. Hope my words inspire you to continue Mario. Have a nice day. Álvaro.

I can totally understand why you are angry about it, I am sometimes too, but it won't help you in any way to step up above your problems. Actually, it will keep you in a negative side of emotions, therefore just try to find your own solutions to live the life you want to. You have realized those negative aspects, and you have been angry for long enough about them, you should leave that behind bro.

DAY 5 (12/11/2020) Wow, I can't believe I am 5 days off videogames. I am experiencing the same feelings than when I stopped smoking weed. I truly believed I could not be the person I wanted to be if I stopped to smoke weed or play videogames, because I thought I relied on them to give me the perspective or whatever it is, but really, that was just BULLSHIT, I am feeling much free now, I am discovering myself in a better mood, motivated to do my tasks (well I keep procrastinating sometimes, but in general, the feeling is that I am more driven towards anything I wanna do. Today I also slept well, no major issues with that, I keep working on my thesis, plus recording my classes, and I have not felt much cravings to be honest. The worst moments is before and after lunch. Those were my favourite moments to game. It reminds me to tobacco addiction, I remember when I smoked tobacco for some time, I felt it was harder to stop smoking some of them (the ones after meals for example) than other ones, so I am just trying to endure it, trying to shift my focus into anything else. Sometimes is into any video on youtube, and sometimes I can shift into something more productive, it depends on how hard are the cravings I think, I am not sure by now, I will keep attention on how that works. During the afternoon I did a physio session, since I have an ultrasounds machine, I found myself I was suffering from a tendinitis on my shoulders (due to trying to hard on some exercises I have been trying lately), and my adductor also suffers from overload for 1 month now and it is not getting much better, I decided to start having this sessions of using heat, then massage, then ultrasounds for 10/20 min (depending on the size of the area, adductors need 20 since tendons just need 10) and then some chill blocks to help the fibbers heal. My shoulders are better but my adductor actually hurts a bit more, but I think it is part of the process, since my shoulders just hurt that day, but my adductor hurt 1 month ago, and I think the pain there is more about having an inflammation process down there that allows more blood and oxygen reach the area and heal it, so I am not worried, I will just take it ease this days, let my shoulders 3 or 4 days until they are alright and keep going on my workout. After that, I had some time to continue my thesis and have a shower, after which I scheduled a date with my Mexican friend through discord. we were talking about our shit, how I am looking for a keyboard or a MIDI controller that could help me beat the cravings, plus learning how to produce some music which is so cool to be honest. We spent like 3 hours there just talking about things, until I was too tired to continue and I decided to say goodbye, bring some food to dinner and go to sleep after it. I am writing this on 12/12, and I guess by now I am used to write about the day before, I find very difficult to take some mins at the end of the day and try to write about everything then bc I find myself tired and lazy, and this is something I want to do as good as I could, so I think I will write on the diary after lunch every day, about the previous day.

How you doing @WorkInProgress? Oh shit, so I have been doing it wrong all the time? Hahaha, yeah you are right, you should know when a comment is done after the 3rd or the 4th day, whatever I have never been too much into forums not gonna lie, I would be doing it that way from now on, thank you for saying it x). I have been reading that article, I have to say that it was a bit hard for me to read it, not bc I couldn't but bc it was so long and I am so slow reading in English that it took me probably one hour and half or so to read it, but it was interesting nonetheless. I can understand how this man felt in those moments, and I want to share with you my opinions about it: Firstly, as he said several times during the post, the event was all but a race (at least for him), he had some good friends coming, he saw it as a moment of spirituality to connect with his friends without worries, because they all seem to have a good relationship and to be nice people to be honest, and let me tell you that is not usual. He did not realize how to differ the race from the true event he could have enjoyed (just having fun with his friends, just getting drunk and singing or so). And that happened because his sense of self esteem depend on the races (I think), so he could not do what he really wanted to, his self esteem gripped his mindset hard. Now, let me tell you that, having your goals and working really hard for them REALLY helps the person to realize how worthy is. It would be nice if you shouldn't have to push yourself too hard and be loved by the opposite sex, or respected by your same sex, but that is not how it works. We all have this self esteem, and it does not depend on if you are this big (in the sense of workout) or you are this fast or you are able to endurance this much (in the sense of running), but how much you are working for it, and if you are also doing progress. I experienced it, before quitting from videogames I always thought my self esteem depended so hard from RL, because I was so proud of myself, on how I played and how I realized how I had to train to improve, but after quitting, I realized that I felt much prouder on how I had willpower to go on running (I also run, even if right now I have a small injury and I am not doing, since July until November I have been running without stopping more than 3 days), and the willpower to workout (things that are, in reality, much harder psychologically and physically than playing a videogame, even if it is the hardest videogame). Also, that feeling of loneliness the writer feels is normal, again what was wrong was the moment. If you are on top, on any activity you can imagine, you are going to feel lonely sometimes, but it doesn't have to be bad, unless you are putting your self esteem above something else, like family, or true friends, those are the moments when you feel bad, lonely, losing the purpose, asking yourself why you do it. Apart from that, eventual loneliness make us appreciate true friendships, pain makes us appreciate pleasure, fatigue makes us appreciate rest, and so on, it is the balance of life, and if you want to feel something you have to feel the opposite (I am so into Buddhism, you can guess it right? haha) Those are important lessons you have to learn through the process of trying hard on anything, and they are only learnt by fucking up, and ironically, you feel so relieved when you realize and you are able to distinguish between situations, because you can still be the open and loving person you want to be with your friends and family, while you push yourself hard on what keeps your self esteem growing and your self worth high, because there will always exist situations where you have to defend yourself, and then is when you want to trust and believe yourself because, you won't have probably much time to think. Thanks for sharing Mario, have a nice weekend.

Yo @rivers, I just read your message, and let me tell you that you had a harder childhood than I had, in my case it was more like neglecting things than ignoring. That childhood was rough dude, and to be honest just having your high school completed is a huge achievement in my opinion. I always had been encouraged (not only with punishments but providing me a good room to study, I had a couple of teachers that would come almost every day on the afternoon to help me on it..), and I am not sure if I would have done it if I were you, I think you should be proud of yourself for being that responsible in that aspect. But anyway, I am glad you did it, I heard about you dropping out of college, yeah to be honest college is some kind of trap. Let me tell you the long story: The year I got kicked out of the bigger campus, I barely played ANY game. My parents got me high once or idk when I can’t remember well so they has always been so dramatic around weed and they started to control me by using this urine tests, so I could only smoke like 1 pot or so, right after they made me pee on that bottle with some cool guys I met in college (in the first campus). Ah, I also started working out, preparing my meals... I really tried to pass but dude, it was somehow impossible, there was always another exam, another home assignment, and since I was a newbie, I focused in every single subject, and that strategy made me fail everyone. I can also remember that at the end of the year, I was so devastated from my marks, that I just decided to forfeit, I bought a PS2 from a rasta, a guy that sometimes came to play poker with us (we usually had a poker game on the weekends) and since my parents were not making that many tests lately, I just started smoking again as much as I wanted to. That year was pretty good on some sense (I could get out of the group of friends I had, which was pretty toxic, since they were starting to take MDMA or cocaine just in a regular basis), I met this cool guys that made me feel much more comfortable, and I had so much fun living alone, meeting new people... But the bad would cover any good I felt that year, I did not pass even 1 subject, and that was devastating to me really... So one of this guys told me about this little campus in a village, that it was easier, but you would have to live in a village, and I was desperate, I did not care. In the end he did not come with me so I went alone, and I was still pretty devastated from that year. When I reached that village, I entered in a house with a nasty smell of fried oil, due to the bar we had below and I was going to live with the brother of one of this guys and his friend. They were like 6 and 7 years older. Due to my attitude back then, (I was pretty paranoid, and I would think all the time they were laughing at me bc I was playing videogames a lot or smth) I was pretty angry and resentful all the time, and when I discovered some guys that smoked weed like me at college, I started hanging out a bit with them, the enough to be known by them so I could come and buy weed (once I bought like 150 €, just not to come back again bc I just wanted to play as much as I could). Then I mixed weed, videogames, and started abusing from porn bc, if I always had it hard with girls, imaging now in a village, I was like: fuck that I will overcome my urges doing this. And like that passed months, until I saw I was not passing as much as i thought, that here nobody was gifting anything, it was easier but there was always work obviously, and some subjects were still pretty hard not gonna lie, so I started getting more and more anxiety from inside, thinking that I should do more and play and smoke less, but by that time it was too late to make me stop, I just couldn’t... so I had an anxiety attack and I had to go to the hospital... that draw a line in my history... I can keep up with the story but I do not want to be too tiring so I will let you read and tell me what you think. Hearing your devotion towards art makes me think you have something inside that really pushes you towards it, and that if that is the case you should not deny it. Let me be honest: earning a living as an artist may not be your future, it could be, but you have to play in the worst case scenario, and it is that artists usually have it very hard, so the average or even in most cases, they need another job while they develop their creations and they may earn some money from there, but if you know something about art is that, if you primarily focus on earning money you will probably feel stuck and without inspiration and this kind of things, so try not to focus on that. Instead, I think you should try to enjoy what you doing as much as possible. Imagine that you are living the best life you could ever live right now (which none know), what would you do? Drag yourself down, thinking how pity your life is because you are not something greater than a bus driver? I would tell you you embrace that life and try to squeeze all you can from it, develop your true character, be happier, do not be too stressed out of the situations and enjoy them, even the worst ones, because that is how life truly feels great, I can tell you. This kind of thoughts made me feel like relieved inside and allowed me to be happier and not be so stressed every day that you are not even feeling rested the next day, so after the months you get older much faster than you should (I hope you understand what I mean xd) Oh btw, I am finishing my thesis right now so, yea I am going to finish it, but I will tell you more in depth about that in the next one. During my high school I was listening to hip hop and rap (mostly spanish) and I also felt pretty identified with it, in the group of friends I had before I went to college all of us listened to hip hop, and all of us smoked weed, so even if they were pretty toxic, I considered them like my brothers, even if later they mostly forgot about me. I’m glad you working as the school bus driver now and that you feeling much happier now with that job. I am pretty sure it is better than fking Wallmart, I hope you are remembering everyday how grateful you should be because of that dude! Stay strong buddy!

Hey @rivers, thank you to come around here and drop your comment, I felt pretty interesting to find someone with who I share this many psychological traits, I mean, I am sorry you also have to deal with them, but at the same time, it feels pretty exciting to be able to share experiences with someone that seems to be this similar to me, not gonna lie! Some things triggered this traits early on in my life in my case: my parents did not spend much time with my big brother and I, we were mostly with my grandma, my mother has always had big problems with the way she expresses herself and her personality, she used to scream for almost everything, obsessed with having everything clean, and they did not really know how to feed a child. My brother was lucky, he has always been the type of guy that eat whatever he wants literally and do not get fat, but I was the opposite, so that mixed with a father that did not like sport or anything of that, I got fat and spent many hours with videogames (much more exciting than hanging out with kids back when you are 8 or so). So here you have, a low self esteemed guy addicted to videogames early on, what happened when I wanted to interact with other people when I was 14, 15, 16? I got really nervous, I felt it was hard, and after my gf left me when I was almost 16, I tried weed. I had tried alcohol and tobacco (I used both but pretty controlled to be honest, nothing crazy), but after trying weed 2 or 3 times, dude I was BLASTING on confidence, on good feelings when I was smoking with other guys and girls, like a feeling of connection between us, like on the same vibe. THAT was what hooked me, the confidence it gave me, the perspective it gave me, allowing me to not be anxious (which I have been all my life) or nervous, even feeling myself cool you know? So imagine, that kept growing, and when I reached college (with some mediocre marks to be honest, although I have to say I passed every year at first) and I started Electrical Engineer, boom. Long story short, I had to go to a small village to pass college bc it was the easiest campus, and there bc I could not connect with anyone (problems with room mates, none on the same vibe, quite depressed after the last year where I got kicked from that campus for not even passing 1 subject) I started smoking even more, playing even more, eating even worse, not working out, overusing porn..... all of that for like 4 years. I have been working in all that and now I am much better, but it has been tough dude. I hope I have not tired you with all this long shit hahah I felt it would be interesting for you to know how I developed this traits, if you wanna share it with me too, I would be pleased to read it from you 😉

Dude you are doing a good job right there! Take some mins every day to feel proud of yourself for all the effort you are doing, you deserve those, really! It could make you feel at the beginning as you should not be rewarding so much simple tasks everyone can do, but right now you are not in the same situation as everyone, so those tasks will have a huge impact on you! So don’t doubt it, just take some mins before going to sleep to be proud and keep going, it is nice to hear that you are doing better!