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Awww, I made it into your grateful list! Thanks bud, I'm grateful for you too. And that's good news with the Abilify! Hope it works.

I don't know how long you've been out of college but there's two things that might help you cut into that if you haven't looked yet. I don't know if your loans are federal (generally lower rates) or private (generally higher rates) loans but 1) you can re-finance or consolidate your loans to a lower interest rate potentially. That could potentially save you thousands of dollars as you pay off the loans depending on how much debt is outstanding and what the interest rates on your current loans are. If the interest rates on your loans are really high (6+ %), there's a better chance of this working out. 2) If they are federal loans and you are out of college for 10 years and meet certain employment requirements, you can apply to get the loans cancelled, and you wouldn't have to pay a dime. 

Just some food for thought.

 

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@DaBestYa I'm grateful for you guys. The Abilify isn't working anymore. I think it's causing me stress, anger and possibly acne too. This is not good. I think I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and accept a 13 hour sleep day everyday from now until possibly forever. I could still try Fanapt but I don't know. I'm kind of sick and tired of trying out new meds. I think I might just want to stay with the risperdal and deal with the somnolence.

Where do I go to get my loans consolidated? They are pretty high % like 5-6 I think.

Positive: at least I still got risperdal

Risperdal kind of sucks because it causes me somnolence. But on the upside it prevents me from feeling suicidal. So I guess it's kind of worth it to not be suicidal. I get less time to be awake but it's more quality time as I'm not all stressed out and overwhelmed. I guess 13 hours is just the price I pay to not be suicidal.

Today's the last day of the week so that's nice. I foolishly listened to a client and applied for jobs when really all I wnated to do was take a break from applying to rest because I'm so exhausted from everything I've been doing. I could really use that break. Well, I'll stop applying after this round and finally get a week off eventually. Probably won't bring it up again.

I smiled at GQ

I accomplished finishing breakfast while stressed from abilify

I am grateful for GQ, breakfast, risperdal, fools gold, mystery spot, santa cruz, ca, va, cold, hot, weather, trees

God bless

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Sorry to hear that the Abilify stopped working so fast.

If you google student loan consolidation, there's a bunch of banks that do stuff like that. Probably the best thing would be to talk to your bank first and see if they can offer something to you that makes sense. 

By the way so I can clear myself legally, I am NOT a financial advisor in any way, and everything I talk about you need to vet for yourself. Plus, you know your financial situation better than I do. 

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@DaBestGotcha. I'll look into debt consolidation from my bank. We shall see if I can get a lowered interest rate. That would be very nice and take some money off the total payment due.

Positive: yay it's the weekend two days off.

I still haven't gone in on working Saturdays yet so I'm enjoying my full two days off at the end of the week. Feels like I'm taking so much time off living like this. It's so luxurious. I kind of feel like I'm not working enough and there's an extra six hours a week I could be working and making money. So probably eventually I'll go ahead and work Saturdays and get at least an extra three hours a week going on there. My client's gonna get a job eventually and then I'll move him from tues thurs to sat. And then I'll have six hours in the week and 3 hours on sat open. So like up to 9 hours. I could get another client at that point in time and add some more hours like that. It would be better money to be working 36 hours a week instead of 30. I'm only at 24 now, but I just got a new client and if they work out then I'll be at 30. Their dad's asking what the services entail which is kind of concerning for me. I don't want a helicopter parent hovering over us the whole time prodding and poking me as I try to do therapy (and watch tv as a reward for doing so). Hopefully the kid's down to watch my shows too.

I smiled at Dabest

I accomplished brushing teeth

I am grateful for seeing dentist today, teeth, debt consolidation, dabs, roku, onn, macbook air, grid, sticks, leaves, dirt

God bless

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Positive: still trying to not masturbate

Despite failing continually epically for many months now since my 6 month streak back in the day. I have contniued to at least keep trying to not masturbate. It's just somehow more difficult now that it was before. Or I don't have as much energy to dedicate to it or something. Ironically I want to stop because I want to have more energy to enjoy life with. And it works for like a week at the most before I relapse and masturbate again. God help me. I don't know what to do to have a long streak again.

I'm trying to force myself to watch tv and chill today aside from exercising. I just looked at houses all day yesterday which was way too much time spent on that. Had me kind of stressed out at the end of the day. I did find a couple houses worth investing in if I had 80k right now to do so. Sadly even if you rent out the house you'll probably just about break even with your mortgage. The only way to make a profit off renting your house is if you rent individual rooms like 4 of them or so. Then you can make money. But the problem is that's a lot of people to deal with trying to make sure they all pay rent on time and stay in the house long term. So renting the whole house you'll just break even but it's probably still worth doing because the house appreciates over time and then you can sell it after owning it for several years to invest in something else.

Looking at housing I feel I'm not motivated at all to move out. I get along well enough with my mom. Plus she cooks and cleans for me. The only reason I'd move out is if I found a wife. Then I could move out with my wife. But the way things aren't going with dating app/approaching for me it seems like I'll never find a wife. And thus it seems I'll never move out. I'll just live at home, try to make more money and eventually buy a triple net. If I could save 60k a year it'd say 5-7 years to buy a 1mil NNN. That'd be worth it. I guess I could store the money in a house while it built up.

Blah hope things work out with the new client. If they don't I guess I'll just have to find a new one. But I'm hoping and trying to make it work. Watching Saiki K on Netflix. It's funny. I like the magician side plot.

I smiled at a new day

i accomplished keeping warm

I am grateful for typos, new dya, warmth, spitting, sand, water, trees, fire, snow, ice,

God bless

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Positive: new week new money

I'm usually excited on Monday to make money again. But because of the Abilify I'm feeling kind of depressed and lethargic. Like I don't want to do crap and I'm not looking forward to work at all. But that's okay. It seems to be wearing off as I've stopped taking it so I'll be alright. Still nervous about this new client. I really want it to work out and am afraid of it going sideways. But so far they said the client's good. I haven't seen if the parents are bad or good yet although the dad wanting to know what services entail is kind of a bad sign that he might be anal about the whole process and cause trouble for me. We'll see though I won't know for sure what's up until I go into their houses and try working with the kid. He's 8 btw. We have a phone call today at 3 to talk to the dad about services. We'll see how that goes. God help me/us get along well enough to keep services going smoothly.

Mom's making me an omlette for breakfast so I don't have to cook breakfast like normal. It's nice. I have more time to type up my GQ post. I am kind of hungry though. Grateful for my mom even if she can be troublesome at times. She was all upset at me for buying ice cream that I decided I didn't like and didn't want to eat. It was like 3$ it's not that big a deal if I tried it, didn't like it and would have to toss it. That's just the price you pay for trying new things. You gotta toss em if they don't work out and that's time and money wasted essentially. You gotta waste some money to try new things because some or all of them won't work out. That's why trying new things is costly.

I wrote in my paper journal yesterday. I don't often have/take time for that. But it was really nice. It helped me get my thoughts out and make sense of things a little more. It helped me not have my thoughts all jumbled up in my head and instead put them on paper. Maybe I'll do that more often.

I smiled at omlette

I accomplished texting sup

I am grateful for omlette, mom, supervision, new client, more money, work, work ethic, happy to earn more, lalala, no music

God bless

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It is important to find activities that you enjoy and relax you as well. I think I burned out a bit after last week. I am sorry to hear that the abilify didn't work so well. But even you have a shorter day, it is better for it to be stress free. As you said that's how it is with new things, that is always the risk haha. Also if you do not have too many reasons to move out I would say that it is not worth stressing about it too much and more so spending extra money on rent. 

 

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@RealworlderYeah, my TV time is my chill time for sure. It actually takes some effort to settle down and watch. A lot of the time I'm just too anxious so I walk around the house for a while or do something else. Sorry to hear you're feeling burned out. Get that chill time in for yourself too. It's no big deal with the abilify the odds were against me so it's not a big surprise that it didn't pan out. I've got one more to try but I kind of don't even want to do it and just give up already. Sometimes giving up is the best thing to do. Getting that quality over quantity with the risperdal. It's not so bad. I'm okay with staying home. The only person who wants me to move out is mom. She wants me to 'live my life' and move out and find a social life. But I haven't found anyone to socialize with aside from people on here really. I mean maybe I'll meet someone through work eventually. But I don't like, think I'll be trying out dating apps again for like years. I just didn't cope well with them before so yeah. Just gonna deal with the isolation.

Positive: got new bottle of rubbing alcohol

I'm in the practice of putting alcohol on my beard trimmer after each use in the morning. I think it keeps it hygienic and prevents it from causing acne. That's been going well. I just got a new bottle today with my moms help. She keeps a stash of most useful things somewhere in the house. Both my clients cancelled on me today so I guess I have the day off. I'm gonna try to make up the sessions later in the week though so I don't miss out on hours. Gotta make that money even if I'm underpaid and making very little as is. Gotta make what I can. Things seem to be looking up with the supervision. They said they will see if I improve for approval and I got into a group supervision that's only 35 an hour so 140 a month. That's pretty cheap considering it'd be 100+ an hour if I got individual supervision from someone off PT. So things might actually work out and start moving forward for me in my journey towards licensure. I also learned that counselingexam.com is a good site to study for the exam with. So I'm hoping to get that done after about a year of working towards my license and having the hours actually count.

I might have to drop my cash client because working with him doesn't count towards licensure so that'd be a huge bummer. I'll see what I can do.

I smiled at butterflies

I accomplished keeping warm with my blue blanket on the couch

I am grateful for my couch, blanket, butterflies, caterpillars, area rugs, flash, lightning belt, armlets, earmuffs, glasses, pen

God bless

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Positive: Survived yesterday's misery

My boss was being a jerk to me yesterday. Just hearing her say my name with contempt in roll call was enough to set me off upset all day and still reeling into the next day as I type this now. God willing she'll get replaced or die or something. At the very least I hope not to have to interact with her except for roll call on these group meetings. I just never hated anyone before I started working this job. Now I've known what it is to hate two people. Sure I try to be about love and not give in but it's very difficult and I just default back to hating her whenever I have to interact with her. There isn't much I can do otherwise. The bible does say people will have evildoers. So maybe she's just an evildoer and we're hating her and that's how things go sometimes. I'm doing my best to still be nice to her and subordinate even though she's a total jerk to me all the time. It's extremely difficult and I don't know if I'm going to be able to handle it. I'll try though.

I budgeted an extra five minutes of time today so I could make a sandwich to try to save money on lunch. If I can get a sandwich to hold me over for lunch then I'll be alright and make it home to eat dinner and not spend money eating out. That would be best. Saving money is good. It's what mom wants and I guess I kind of want it too.

I smiled at savings

I accomplished getting up early for sandwich making

I am grateful for savings, sandwich, making, early, timers, alarms, atom, dcs legends, spiral, notebook

God bless

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I have a hard time believing its possible that you've never hated anyone before starting your job but if that is the case then I'd say its a major improvement because you're working through and acknowledging hate as a human emotion instead of repressing it.

Those new age hippies naively think they can repress all the 'bad' emotions and live in manic land all the time but they always get gipped in the end. Human nature. Its just too bad those self-help gurus ruin so many peoples' lives, including yours and mine, before they learn how to truly love themselves, warts and all.

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@Bird By BirdI see. I'd prefer not to hate people if I can help it. I feel like it makes me in a bad mood. But I understand that it's part of our experience. Sometimes it can't be helped much.

Positive: waffles today

So eating waffles was good. Mom made them for me. I ate a bunch of syrup with them which was also nice. Syrup is so addictive though. It's a little too good. Especially the ones with HFC in it. The day starts late today. But I realized I can start the session like 5-10 minutes early and end a little early to squeeze out a tiny bit more free time for myself at the end of the day. So that's good. My clients might not appreciate it at first, but they'll probably get used to it after a while. Then I can get there early and leave early. I like that. Hm. I'm supposed to like have phone calls today. Gotta check my email to see when I scheduled them for. I wasn't really on top of my game last night or all day yesterday. I just felt all cold for the whole day because I got caught out in the cold the day before and it froze me some. Takes time to thaw back out for me. Got a couple job interviews coming up so that's kind of cool. It's just that there's a low chance I'll actually get them and feel like I want to go work there. My chances of finding a good new job are slim. But we'll see how it goes, maybe I'll find something if I'm super lucky with better pay.

I smiled at CB

I accomplished sleep

I am grateful for food that doesn't upset my stomach, dollar tree, pizza, banquet, sleep, CB, work, face, skin, and phone.

God bless

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Waffles sound amazing, well any syrup is going to be basically just sugar. But unless consumed in excess and constantly it is not that bad. Well as long as you provide your clients with the same amount of time as before they should be fine. How much free time do you think you will gain by doing this? Good luck on your interviews!

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@RealworlderThat sugar. So good. I do try to moderate it. I started bringing a bag of chocolate around with me now to save money on eating out deserts. My clients are getting their 3 hours, I'm just leaving a little early and getting there a little early. Before I would get there early and leave on time. So They're losing a few minutes but it's all fair and legal, I'm not breaking any rules to do this. Just claiming my rightful minutes. I'll get an extra 10 minutes per session so like 10-20 minutes a day probably. More like 10 but it makes a difference when you only get 1 hr free time at the end of the day. Thanks for the luck. I think they both might be full time jobs which I Can't work due to somnolence, but we'll see they could be part time available that works with my schedule.

Positive: TGIF

The standard positive on a Friday of course. Just happy to end out a week and get two days of rest. The not so great thing is I might be looking at working a half day on Saturdays. I did this for a month or so before and it was really grueling. So I don't know if I want to do it again. I think it will be too much for me to handle. I guess that means I'll have to figure out some stuff to make it work. It's kind of just an issue because to keep one of my clients I'm eventually going to have to switch to working half days Saturday so I can still see him once he gets a job and is only available on weekends. Darn. Maybe I can do it.

I smiled at weekends

I accomplished getting through the week

I am grateful for weekends, weeks, days of the week, rugs, tables, chairs, mahjong table, bacon, eggs, spinach

God bless

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Positive: There is some chance however small that 10k student debt will be forgiven.

So they said that there's a small chance it'll happen because it's unlikely that Congress will pass the forgiveness. But it's possible and it sounded like they're gonna try so here's to hoping it actually goes through some day. If I got 10k relieved that would be about 4 months of work for me. That'd be really cool. They talked about relieving 50k but I kind of doubt that's going to happen. They said about 3/4 of debtors doubt that any relief will come. On the bright side they're pausing interest on loans until Oct 1. So that's great I'll have a lot of time to save money to pay my debt. That'll be nice. I don't think they'll pause it much longer than that though. Then it'll be back to paying interest, darn. Wish they'd forgive some debt.

Got more job interviews. I'm kind of tired of job and sup interviews. I hope that the sup at my job will work out and I can finally be done with it and just keep my job. The interviews just haven't been going well at all.

I smiled at jobs

I accomplished setting an intention for the day

I am grateful for fiber powder, DG, jobs, intentions, food, watwer, air, shelter, bed, sheets, pillow, case

God bless

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Good luck with the interviews. I'm also relieved about the student loan forgiveness at the moment. I'm trying to take advantage of the zero interest since I've been fortunate enough to be working, but even if they did forgive $10k in loans I'd be very grateful.

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@BooksandTreesYeah I would be grateful if they forgave 10k too. That'd be a lot of money I didn't have to pay back. They're possibly doing something by March about it so we'll see. Interviews are going horribly. I have a disorder where I don't feel comfortable around most people and after like 20+ interviews I haven't found one that I felt comfortable with. So that means I'm kind of screwed. I could be interviewing every week for a year and still not find a supervisor or a job. I may never get licensed at this rate. It sucks. My life is messed up.

Positive: still the weekend

My mom was being super annoying this morning and I blew up at her and swore. Now it's too quiet. Whatever she was pissing me off a lot. Plus I'm super stressed after talking to some supervisor prospect for an hour+. I just don't feel good around most people and it sucks to be me. But this is just how it is and the best I can do is keep trying new person after new person hoping to finally find one that I feel okay with. It really sucks and I'm exhausted from endless interviews. I don't feel like I have any hope left. I feel like I'm never going to find a job or a supervisor that I feel comfortable with. I'm just going to die poor and never get licensed. There's basically no hope for me.

At least it's still the weekend and I can watch TV and probably do some squats. I'm trying out dropping half a pill off my meds and seeing how that goes. I can't really tell if I'm stressed from the interview or I'm stressed from lowered meds.

I smiled at turtles

I accomplished eating cold corn because we don't have a microwave

I am grateful for turtles, cold, corn, microwaves, lamp, camp, damp, stamp, tramp, nap,

God bless

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4 hours ago, TheNewMe2.0 said:

don't feel like I have any hope left. I feel like I'm never going to find a job or a supervisor that I feel comfortable with. I'm just going to die poor and never get licensed. There's basically no hope for me.

Hey, you are very much not alone in this situation right now! We are in the middle of a pandemic, many of my friends and relatives have been having trouble keeping their jobs or finding new ones. It's not all your fault, not at all: the world is just a shitty place right now 😕 

Don't give up, and keep trying to improve. Life is very difficult right now, but it will get better if you keep trying your hardest :>>> 

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7 hours ago, TheNewMe2.0 said:

I have a disorder where I don't feel comfortable around most people and after like 20+ interviews I haven't found one that I felt comfortable with. So that means I'm kind of screwed. I could be interviewing every week for a year and still not find a supervisor or a job. I may never get licensed at this rate. It sucks. My life is messed up.

Is there a way for you to manipulate your disorder? I'm not trying to be ignorant, but I'm curious. Is there a way for you to create something within someone you meet that allows you to establish comfort? Could you engineer your way to a solution like a placebo of sorts so you can get your job?

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@PochatokThanks for your well wishes. I'll keep trying. It's really difficult though.

@BooksandTrees I could try to think of people as teddy bears or something. I don't think anything can fix my discomfort though. I'm leaning towards just toughing it out for two years and dealing with the god awful discomfort of it all. I can't feel my left leg and it causes me constant tension and discomfort. I can't sleep well at night either due to this. But I might try to just deal with it for two years so I can get licensed. My life is still messed up but yeah...at least I'm in control I guess.

Positive: new week and getting covid vaccine

Getting vaccinated on Sunday for the second shot. It'll probably hurt for a few days again and prevent me from sleeping on my left side. That's okay. It'll be good to not have to wear a mask at work anymore because I'm vaccinated. New week new money. I don't make much because I'm a resident. But I still am happy to make what little money I do earn. It motivates me and I want to save all that I can towards a house and triple net investment. I don't want to do stocks really. They kind of stress me out. The market's doing really well since Biden went into office though. The markets gone up overall for so long I wonder if it'll drop one day and not recover. Got a new job translating on the side for my mom. I just correct her broken english translations.

I smiled at new job with mom

I accomplished getting prepped for a new week

I am grateful for God, Ragnarok the show, mom, new week, clients, new clients, old clients, snow days, new job and translating.

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Positive: reduced meds

So I went down half a pill on the risperdal. I don't plan to get off the bupropion. But if I could get off the risperdal that'd be nice. I might actually put a dent in my somnolence. We'll see how much of it I can get off before I lose it and turn suicidal/anxious again. At any rate going down half a pill seems to be faring a lot better than when I dropped a whole pill. I haven't turned suicidal or too anxious so far. I'll probably wait a month and think about dropping another half pill. I got some fanapt to try but I kind of don't want to try it yet. I think I'll just keep reducing the risperdal and see how that goes. I'm still sleeping 13 hours a night, but I seem to be feeling more awake. So maybe soon I'll be able to cut that down to like 12.5 hours or something. My mom is very happy with my recent reduction. She wants me off the meds and calls them drugs in a scornful tone. But I was legit super suicidal and depressed before I took the bupropion. So that's why I don't want to go off that med. I think I'ld be pretty happy if I could get by okay on just the bup. That'd be nice. We'll see what the following months bring if I can manage to get below 2.5 pills or not but this recent decrease has given me hope.

I have a lot of free time today as I've been getting up 5 minutes early to make a sandwich for the day. It saves money on buying lunch. Yep. Got a lot of free time this morning before work. Don't know what to do though. I guess I'll just watch my reruns or maybe paper journal. Still waiting for The Flash season 7 to come out in Feb with baited breath.

My leg is feeling all messed up and my stress level is a little higher since joining with a new supervisor. But I might just tough it out and work with her anyways because I'm desperate for someone to work with and haven't found anyone in 20+ interviews. I wonder if I'll die or get severe insomnia or something from this. But so far it's just been losing feeling in my left leg which causes me constant discomfort and anxiety. It's awful, but I can possibly bear it for licensure. I'm trying I'll see how I feel after our first 2 hour meeting. It'll probably be bad but we'll see if I can survive it without wanting to kill myself too much.

I smiled at mah post

I accomplished making sandwich

I am grateful for post, sandwich, food, remotes, pen, pencil, bible, mask, salt candle holder, salf zen garden, heater

God bless

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Positive: Got up 50 minutes early today.

So far so good, but the day is long. We shall see if I fall asleep and get super tired from getting up early like this. I'm testing out my theory that I'll need less sleep now that I'm on less Risperdal. We'll see how it goes. Hopefully it works, but it's okay if not. I can possibly keep reducing my meds.

I'm thinking about buying into the stock market. It causes me some anxiety to do so so I'm a bit skeptical of it. But I feel like Apple stock is a good thing to invest in so I might just do it anyways and deal with the consequences of the anxiety.

First group supervision is on Thursday. We'll see how that goes too. If I pick up an extra hour. If my sleep reduces I might be able to manage an hour of supervision here and there so that I can work 36 hours a week. If I can work 36 hours a week I can get my license done in 1 year and 5 months as long as I get approved for supervision in Feb as I'm hoping to do. God willing my mean boss will have a heart and pass me. God willing eh.

I smiled at mom

I accomplished using avocado although honestly I only like avocado in guac.

I am grateful for mom, avocado, chipotle, beans, rice, brown rice, cilantro, lime, onion, tomato, corn salsa,

God bless

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Positive: moms alive

I'm glad moms alive. She got a fever and stuff from the second vaccine shot. So that's not good, I hope that doesn't happen to me. by the way it's real difficult to be positive today. I'm getting acne from something maybe it's my new supervisor and I've had such bad stress from my new sup that my leg is losing feeling and I've been stressed out 24/7 non-stop for a week.

I smiled at kims convenience

I accomplished lunch prep

I am grateful for kims, conven, lunch, prep, phone, text, money, life, not being dead, feeling like dying?, fingernails, fingers

God bless

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Good job on getting up earlier! That is always a great achievement. Hopefully you will be able to function well on less sleep. That would be great to get some more time in the day. Getting it in a year and few months seems like some time but that will fly by and would be awesome if you manage to get it. Also being on the path towards it will the main thing that matters. 

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@RealworlderGetting up earlier isn't going to stick. I just felt super tired and unhappy all day. unfortunately. I haven't been able to find a supervisor I feel comfortable with because of my disease. I get stressed out lose feeling in my leg and get acne from connecting with pretty much everyone. I feel like I'm kind of screwed here. I think I'm gonna have to cancel on my current supervisor leaving me with no one and back to interviewing peoplke. My life is messed up. I don't even know if they're gonna approve me at my work and if they do I don't know if the new sup will work with me and I do'nt know if they'll even give me a sup. There's just a ton of uncertainty around whether or not I'm gonna be able to even move towards my license. And even once I get it I don't know if I'll be able to handle the work that comes with it because I tried before and failed terribly. Just trying to work with my current sup has got me all stressed out this past week and that's part of why I don't htink I can ccontinue working with her. You can probably tell I'm not doing well.

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Hey bud, sorry to hear you've been struggling. One step at a time. Your life might be messed up now, but there's always something to be said for striving for the ideal, whatever that is. No matter how bad things are going, as long as you are still aiming for whatever that goal is, no one can take that from you. Many people don't even have goals and don't even try to better themselves. You bust your ass every single day with all the stuff you have to go through, and even then you still push further. It's impressive as heck.

Two questions, just curious, not necessarily suggesting anything. 1) Is it just in-person meetings that make you feel so badly? I mean, you interact with a bunch of us here on the forums. Would it be helpful if you tried more phone calls or video calls? 2) Have you considered lines of work that involve less in-person interactions, for example, being an author/writer, or doing sales over the phone? I'm not suggesting you run away from your problems, which never works, but your health is important, and maybe it might be beneficial to give yourself some mental space to breathe and try to figure out how to handle in-person interactions better. And you're in a unique situation with your disease, and I really don't want to actually suggest anything since I have a hard time putting myself in your shoes. 

Either way, chin up bud. 

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