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Hello, My clean date is 11/25/19. This is My Story.  It’s 11/14/19 and I decided to recommit to quit today after just thirty minutes of gaming. I was having a hard time dealing with the fact

Positive: I'm 1 year free of video games. Yes that's right. I have not played games for a year now. It's pretty amazing. I don't have much time so maybe tomorrow I'll put up a post where I tag ev

Day 270 NP 232 Np 223 Med 208 NF 108 Positive:  Yeah. You can see me celebrating 9 months clean there. In other news. Even though I'm down to 3mg risperdal I'm still sleeping 13+ hours a da

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On 4/26/2020 at 1:52 AM, Erik2.0 said:

@Marek Thanks for your support and liking my drawings. You're making me want to use colored pencils. They do offer more control. Markers soak everything in color relatively quickly. I'll keep trying markers though seeing as I have a set. I'll just have to draw more Pokemon haha. It's hard to color on one of my drawings when I know I'm probably going to mess it up so I have to do some drawings I don't mind coloring on. I really liked how your coloring book was coming along, keep us posted. I'm seeing a new place tomorrow and it looks promising. I hope that it works out. Or I find an even better place. I am uncomfortable with the people here now and would like to change that. I appreciate your empathy.

I am happy to hear that. Excellent job on Squirtle! Markers seems like a superior option for pokemon with the bright colors. It would be a lot harder to achieve that with pencils. Thank you, I have just finished it and posted on in my journal. I am quite happy with how it turned out, but there are some things that I would change, but maybe next time, haha. It is almost impossible to erase them, and if I try too hard, the outlines start to disappear also. Good luck looking for a new place. And if you decide to stay and look for someone new in the future, there is always a chance to find someone who you get along well. Unfortunately dealing with people is never easy. People who might not seem like it in the first place might be great to live with, and vice versa, it gets different once you see someone every day.  

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@BooksandTrees Thank you. I'm not going to post hours unless it's done that day even if it means I miss some hours if I forget. Usually I remember though. Yeah the living situation got better. We aren't bff's or anything, but we can coexist. One of them is social and tries to make friends/do things. I just don't feel comfortable with her or her friend at all so I try to keep my distance. I dunno if we'll ever be comfortable enough for me to do a social gathering with them. That's okay though. They keep the place clean enough and don't make noise at night which is a big deal for me. They do congregate in the kitchen for hours unfortunately preventing me from watching tv down there most of the time. I'm actually a lot more productive in my room lately anyways so it's not so bad. It's okay. Thanks for saying I didn't seem like I wanted to leave. I think you're right about that. I just don't think I'd have the fortitude to interview a new person for the room in August. I might leave that up to my mom and just ask for someone who is willing to keep it quiet and be nice. I get a lot positive feedback on my Pokemon drawings. But I ended up watching the show and it was way too triggering making me want to play games again. It made me not want to draw anymore either. I guess I could draw and just resist the urge to watch it. I haven't drawn Pokemon lately. 

@Phoenixking Thank you! I like that shading too.

@Marek Thanks for the good advice. I actually search for the brightest colors to color in the Pokemon. I was thinking colored pencils might be better for bright colors. Grass is always greener haha. Yes there is always a chance I could find someone I get along with in the interviews. It will all workout. 

Day 152 NP 115 Np 105 Med 91 NF 8

Positive post: Nofap is going well, I colored with markers and I drank a lot of water. 

I made tea too and it was really nice drinking that. I might just have more hot water and reboil the teabag. I inked and colored a little unicorn that I copied off my drawing notebook cover. I feel so accomplished doing the full process even if it's just for a little creature like that. I did a weighted squat today. It kind of made my back feel off. I'm thinking I might just do a bunch of yoga leg poses on leg day because I just don't seem to be doing well with the squats. Eh, my legs still build a little muscle from those poses. I won't be totally emaciated down there. I think it'll be okay. It'd help me chill out more to do yoga too. 

I bravely asked to trade for my favorite blanket with my housemate. She's pretty accommodating and was okay with it. It's a dark blue blanket with stars constellations on it. Mmm I really like this blanket. 

I made Thai curry that my old friends mom taught me to do long ago. It's still good. A little spicy which I hope I can digest okay. But it's good. I learned to keep a lid on it while I'm boiling vegetables in it to preserve the liquids otherwise it gets too dried up. I feel my Thai curry cooking game is more complete now. 

The girls left the Brit filters on empty and ate one of my food dishes that I didn't say they could eat. They might've gotten confused because I said you can eat the rice. Their first language is Chinese. Hopefully they don't eat my curry. They have their own food. Having housemates involves so much conflict sheesh. I miss the old days when it was just me and mom. But those won't be coming back anytime soon. She says she wants to rent at least one room once the girls are gone to make some money. So that's okay. It'll be okay. 

I smiled at saiki.

I accomplished making curry.

I am grateful for my clients, food, water, shelter, mom, dad, nature, sunlight, green leaves, trees and grass.

God bless

Erik

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Day 153 NP 116 Np 106 Med 92 NF 9

Positive post: I drank over a liter of water, I drew and saw a client.

Feeling a little uneasy today. I think it's either the medication increase, the new housemates or both. Been eating a lot lately and feel tired of eating. Oh I just watched like 4 hours of tv. Kind of zoned out feeling from that. Trying to muster the energy to do a push day for working out. Sit ups, push ups, pike push ups, and dips. Yeah. That'll be a nice four exercise workout. I'm planning to workout seven days a week now. Because I always get lethargic and binge watch tv if I don't workout. Plus I feel like maybe I can handle doing push ups and sit ups on that extra day of the week. If anyone has any advice on this let me know if it's a bad idea to workout everyday or if it's fine. 

I'm trying to do twenty minutes or more of drawing a day. I just finished twenty minutes of tutorials. It's my modest goal to do at least 100 hours in the next year. Maybe I'll do more, who knows? I don't feel like I have a lot to talk about today. My work is making everyone who made the mistake I did come in for a video call on Friday morning. I'm doing my best to always date logs for the same day I submit them so I don't ever get in trouble like this again. Getting punished. Ugh. I'll try to roll with the punches. 

I smiled at God

I accomplished writing my journal entry

I am grateful for pens, folder, paper, ink, pencil, bible, bookmark, gold, red, crimson and pink.

God bless

Erik

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5 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

Day 153 NP 116 Np 106 Med 92 NF 9

Positive post: I drank over a liter of water, I drew and saw a client.

Feeling a little uneasy today. I think it's either the medication increase, the new housemates or both. Been eating a lot lately and feel tired of eating. Oh I just watched like 4 hours of tv. Kind of zoned out feeling from that. Trying to muster the energy to do a push day for working out. Sit ups, push ups, pike push ups, and dips. Yeah. That'll be a nice four exercise workout. I'm planning to workout seven days a week now. Because I always get lethargic and binge watch tv if I don't workout. Plus I feel like maybe I can handle doing push ups and sit ups on that extra day of the week. If anyone has any advice on this let me know if it's a bad idea to workout everyday or if it's fine. 

I'm trying to do twenty minutes or more of drawing a day. I just finished twenty minutes of tutorials. It's my modest goal to do at least 100 hours in the next year. Maybe I'll do more, who knows? I don't feel like I have a lot to talk about today. My work is making everyone who made the mistake I did come in for a video call on Friday morning. I'm doing my best to always date logs for the same day I submit them so I don't ever get in trouble like this again. Getting punished. Ugh. I'll try to roll with the punches. 

I smiled at God

I accomplished writing my journal entry

I am grateful for pens, folder, paper, ink, pencil, bible, bookmark, gold, red, crimson and pink.

God bless

Erik

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Drawing looks good. I would not suggest working out 7 days per week. I just wrote a journal entry about this in a different way. I think I would find a new physical activity to do on weekends like maybe riding a bike on a bike trail or jogging or trail walking or something. Your body needs to relax and you might burn out.

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9 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

Plus I feel like maybe I can handle doing push ups and sit ups on that extra day of the week. If anyone has any advice on this let me know if it's a bad idea to workout everyday or if it's fine. 

 

3 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I would not suggest working out 7 days per week. I just wrote a journal entry about this in a different way. I think I would find a new physical activity to do on weekends like maybe riding a bike on a bike trail or jogging or trail walking or something. Your body needs to relax and you might burn out.

I had the same workout routine for 6 weeks I did every day at the gym to get me started on the daily habit. Later on, I started doing more diverse exercises at the gym and I had to skip some after, otherwise I'd spend three hours every day working out! I take every good opportunity I can get to "skip" my workout and to ride my bike or play football for a change, though I am sure there are hundreds, if not thousands of exercises for all the various muscles, if you want to work out every day. The main scare I had was that I would get injured by working out daily, but it seems I can do it in reasonable limits. Also, being sore for three days is not being injured 😄

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16 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

I'm planning to workout seven days a week now. Because I always get lethargic and binge watch tv if I don't workout. Plus I feel like maybe I can handle doing push ups and sit ups on that extra day of the week. If anyone has any advice on this let me know if it's a bad idea to workout everyday or if it's fine. 

It definitely is possible. As you are already doing push/pull/legs. You can usually do that after each other because you target different muscle groups. But the rest day is helpful, a lot of it depends on how much recovery you need. If anything doing a more cardio + stretching workout on the rest day would work well. This way, you can have a workout 7 days a week. Moreover, if it helps you mentally, it is good to have some kind of exercise daily. What you can also do is make 2x workout plans. Push/pull/legs(A) + Push/pull/legs(B) This way, even if they follow right after each other will bring some novelty for your muscles.

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1 minute ago, Marek said:

It definitely is possible.

I really agree. It is possible. However, only when not feeling sore afterwards. I think it is definitely important and motivating to never be sore. So while training you should never be at 100 percent. Another thing, what I think is useful is to focus on the big 6, when choosing your exercises. The rest is extra.

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2 hours ago, Alexanderle said:

I really agree. It is possible. However, only when not feeling sore afterwards. I think it is definitely important and motivating to never be sore. So while training you should never be at 100 percent. Another thing, what I think is useful is to focus on the big 6, when choosing your exercises. The rest is extra.

It's just my experience, but being sore the next day doesn't necessarily require me going "super-destroyer 10/10 100%" mode. I wouldn't enjoy doing all the exercises to the maximum either, let alone I could do that only twice or thrice per session. It's difficult to determine, but there's a cool middle-ground one can find 🙂

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2 minutes ago, Ikar said:

It's just my experience, but being sore the next day doesn't necessarily require me going "super-destroyer 10/10 100%" mode. I wouldn't enjoy doing all the exercises to the maximum either, let alone I could do that only twice or thrice per session. It's difficult to determine, but there's a cool middle-ground one can find 🙂

While taking my stuff into consideration, I think that I am actually are at this middle-ground. When I say never sore, I don't mean that I don't work hard during the workout. I really feel it immediatley afterwards. But it is more like something of 80 to 90 percent of my capacity. Even the last rep is always one, I can do with enough intensity and great form. Nothing like this "one more rep" stuff. Occasionally, I think it is fine to have a workout, where you go all in. Those are sometimes these LesMills workouts, they offer on campus. I really go all in. But that is the exception. I think it is quite motivating to be ready the next day, while also having a good workout the day before. So yeah, I would count that as middle-ground. ^^ 

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I think I'll take the rest day after taking everyone's words into consideration. I don't want to burnout. I really struggle to stretch much lately and would like to try to run more often. @Alexanderle Which are the big 6? 

I'm pretty tired from walking and dealing with being around housemates. 😮

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Day 154 NP 117 Np 107 Med 93 NF 10

Positive post: I'm alive, breathing and healthy. 

Oh....I don't feel well when I have to interact with housemates. I'm going to try to cook and hide from them more thoroughly the rest of the week. I've got this 'sick of everything' feeling. It's not a good feeling. I've been routinely feeling overwhelmed and wanting to try to sleep to get away from suffering at seven pm. I don't know why god wants to put me through this when I was finally comfortable with my living situation. -_- T.T My therapist was concerned that I was feeling suicidal last week. yeah . . . it's just a lot of suffering. Seeing or even worse talking to those girls makes me feel awful. The more it happens the worse it gets the worse I get. Gotta hide. 

I smiled at my therapist.

I accomplished eating dinner.

God bless

Erik

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40 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

Day 154 NP 117 Np 107 Med 93 NF 10

Positive post: I'm alive, breathing and healthy. 

Oh....I don't feel well when I have to interact with housemates. I'm going to try to cook and hide from them more thoroughly the rest of the week. I've got this 'sick of everything' feeling. It's not a good feeling. I've been routinely feeling overwhelmed and wanting to try to sleep to get away from suffering at seven pm. I don't know why god wants to put me through this when I was finally comfortable with my living situation. -_- T.T My therapist was concerned that I was feeling suicidal last week. yeah . . . it's just a lot of suffering. Seeing or even worse talking to those girls makes me feel awful. The more it happens the worse it gets the worse I get. Gotta hide. 

I smiled at my therapist.

I accomplished eating dinner.

God bless

Erik

It's time for you to reel this all in and take a deep breath. I don't understand your financial situation at home with your family, but I'm interested in hearing why your mother rented out that room to those young girls. They're underage. That strikes me as odd. Is it a government thing?

You had issues when your sister lived at home and your life improved when she left. What are these girls doing that bothers you? I know you're not wanting to talk about it, but what are they doing? You're almost 30. You can and will overcome this. 

Do your parents understand what's bothering you? I think it's unfair that your mom is renting rooms to these people. I'm not being rude by saying this, but your mother knows you have a very important condition with schizophrenia. She needs to respect your boundaries due to the complexity of your triggers and mental wellbeing. She's being highly irresponsible if she knows these things bother you. 

If she doesn't know it's bothering you then you need to sit down one on one with your parents and discuss the situation like you would with your employer. Explain the problem in a diplomatic way and explain the effect it's having on you. 

Moving out can create more problems. If you live in an apartment complex you might get multiple loud neighbors, poor living conditions, a crazy landlord, etc. Try to get your home life back. 

This is not the time to hide. Hiding will only hurt you. You have power and can overcome this. You must be patient and you must be strong. Sleeping the time away won't help you. Can you pick up shadow boxing or another activity to remove some stress? Can you get in your car and sing to loud music? 

Turn your frustrations and pain into strength and you will conquer anything in life. Just gotta manipulate things in your favor and if your mother is in fact not focusing on your wellbeing then take your time and find the safest and quietest place for your new home and don't rush it.

I wish you luck. Don't sleep things away and don't ruminate with depressive thoughts. Remember my diary in April though June of 2019? My mom was abusing me and let me down she promising to support me after quitting my job and dealing with suicidal thoughts. I got so angry at her behavior that I got my job back, found an apartment, and told her to go fuck herself. I got depressed again in August and my new apartment made me nauseous every day. But I didn't give up. Opportunities come out of nowhere as long as you keep trying. I got my old apartment on a lake at a discounted price. I'm happy now. 

You gotta believe in yourself and fight for you by taking action, but not violent action. 

Nobody is worth your pain. I will never forgive my mom and I want her to always know I'll never forgive her for abusing me. That's something she'll take to her grave and I won't give her the satisfaction of forgiving her. You face the consequences of your actions. She is doing that now. 

So don't give up. If your family lets you down then pick up and move on because at the end of the day the only person who always has your back is you and only you. 

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I agree with @BooksandTrees on this one. But I think that Erik is more the forgiving type of a person, which is as fine as your way of handling things. I have seen that after many years of not talking to each other, people would forgive each other, which is not a bad thing. Ofc, this begs the question, what abusing means? 

18 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

I've got this 'sick of everything' feeling.

The question is, what is this feeling exactly and why is it here? If I am highly uncomfortable to speak with a person, maybe I should get the hell out there. But if I am just generally anxious about speaking to some people, but secretly would like to interact with them, maybe then I have to face it and observe, what happens, when I interact a little longer with them.

18 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

 Which are the big 6?

A set of basic and highly effective exercises, which are part of almost every workout plan. What makes an exercise effective? It requires many musclegroups, joints, is intense and simulates a real life situation. Take a leg extension machine in the gym: You only train one muscle, one joint is involved, ofc it is intense, but it simulates no real situation. You will get very good at the leg extension machine. That's it. Now, lets apply this to squats: A ton of muscle groups (almost all of them) and many different joints are involved, it is super intense and it simulates a real situation: Every time, when you sit down and stand up, it is basically a squat. Why would you train standing up and sitting down in the gym? Well that is not a question now, but maybe when you are 90 years old, it will become relevant. Or take the deadlift, which basically simulates you picking up something of the floor. The big six are lunges, squat, deadlift, pulling, pushing, and rotation. And they can be done in a variety of fashions with your bodyweight or barbells etc. Everything else is extra and is only focusing on individual muscle groups to get some extra input. But most importantly: Once I understood this concept, I also understood, why I am doing an exercise. So I think this was quite helpful for me. 

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Great post @BooksandTrees , definitely hit a lot of the things I was thinking about in regard to this diary. I skimmed through your extensive background again to give me better perspective.

@Erik2.0 I couldn't understand it very well at first, but I think that in my case gaming (and my ex likely too, but she left on her own prior to me quitting games) was "the" dependency to get rid of. I felt as if I wasn't limited by anything that would consistently hamper me for longer spans of time. I sense that in your case gaming only masked other stringent dependencies that perhaps I would personally face a few years down the road had I continued gaming. Meds for your condition objectively limit you, but they keep you in acceptable moods. How does living together with your mom limit you? Do you have a good alternative?

Be honest answering the questions above, even if you decide not to share them. Maybe you'll find out that you don't like your parents/family at all; that you hate them, like @BooksandTrees found out. Maybe you'll find out that they have their ups and downs, but acknowledge that they already played their biggest parts in your life, so it's fine to come for a family lunch every week, like I found out.

Good luck and be strong. And read @BooksandTrees 's reply again, as I think he put it wonderfully 🙂

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Thanks to everyone for your comments. I feel they helped me get out of my slump. 

@BooksandTrees Okay, deep breath. My mom's friends' daughter +1 needed a place to hideout for the corona virus and my mom needed money so she rented out the rooms. My moms business isn't doing any business because it's a social gathering business. So she's strapped for cash lately. But I honestly don't know if it's so bad she needs to rent out rooms. I think she's partly doing that just because she wants the money partly because she needs it. I'm trying to go running and walking more and listen to podcasts. Idk about shadow boxing it might be a little too violent for me even though I used to train Muay Thai and Jiu Jitsu. I could try it again.

Yeah, the girls aren't doing much to irritate me aside from being a bit messy. It's just when I talk to them I get a really bad feeling. I don't know how to control or change it other than to avoid them so I don't get said feeling. My mom does care about accommodating my disorder. She understands renting the room makes me uncomfortable to the point of suicide, but still is going to rent rooms anyways because she wants/needs the money. I would be so grateful if she had enough money and decided not to rent rooms anymore. But, I think she's going to continue to rent at least one room after the girls leave. She is sound proofing my room for me which is nice because I'm such a light sleeper but it's not going to fix my 'uncomfortable energy of others' schizophrenia. She made it sound like she'd only rent one room after the girls leave. But knowing her she might just rent to two people and not care because she wants more money. I hope that doesn't happen, I'll protest as best I can if she tries to do that. She prioritizes money to a very high degree. It's kind of too much sometimes.

Also thank you, I will get through this. I guess on sleeping and avoiding my housemates. I feel better when I avoid them and that makes me not feel overwhelmed or want to sleep. So I'm probably going to avoid them for now. Probably indefinitely unless a better solution appears. You don't have to interact much with your housemates if you don't want to. I'm glad your living situation improved and I'm sorry your mom didn't help you like she said she would. I can understand that sometimes people within a family don't want to talk anymore and I think it's okay. Sometimes it's for the best. Like I think it's for the best I don't talk with my sister anymore because it was making me really unhappy to be in touch with her.

@Alexanderle I do try to be a forgiving person. It's more how I am. I stopped talking to my sister so I don't judge B&T. I felt really bad when I'd talk to her too and she kept saying mean things to me for hours over text every week. She eventually did the same thing to my dad and then stopped talking to him because he was a Trump supporter and she's a democrat. I just didn't want to have someone who consistently made my life worse around me all the time. I love and forgive her, but I really don't want to be around her. I understand what all the exercises you listed are except rotation. Does that mean like shoulder press? 

@Ikar My parents bother me sometimes. But they're my best supporters. My mom provides for me financially and helps me keep working. My dad's nice and emotionally supportive to some degree. He supports my hobbies, mom supports my work. This is a big setback my mom is putting me through just to make some extra money. Even if we don't need the money she still insists on renting a room to someone just because she wants more money and doesn't care enough about my well being to not rent that room. It hurts to accept that my mom will only go so far to help me out with my special needs. But I can't do much about it other than to protest her moving more than one person in in August. If I move out I'd be dependent on her to help me pay rent. When I'm not living with her she becomes less supportive of me too. Out of sight out of mind. My meds to cause me to sleep long hours and be much less physically active. But it's worth it to not lose my mind and be unable to hold a job. Living with my mom prevents me from having more control over my life. I'm less independent in making my decisions in general.

Day 155 NP 118 Np 108 Med 94 NF 11

Positive post: I'm good at typing, my drawing seems to have improved and I'm enjoying my kindle book.

I'm reading 'The Happiness Advantage'. It's a little research dense, but I like the overall message: Happiness is really good for you so find ways to practice it. They did a study on Nuns journals. They measured how much positive emotion they wrote in their journals and compared it with how long they lived. The ones who wrote about more positive things lived an average of 10 years longer than their more neutral or negative counterparts. Obviously I found this pertinent for us as we're all journaling. It made me want to try to make even this free writing section of my journal positive. I dunno I can try and be a little more positive in what I write. 🙂 

Yeah as you can read in my responses above my mom cares about helping me, but not enough to not rent out the rooms in our house. I was really upset at her when I realized this. But she's still the most helpful person in my life. If not for her I'd have nowhere to live, no money and probably wouldn't have lasted this past year at my job. Speaking of which. I am doing better at my work lately. I'm up to 29 hours a week and once some paperwork for a client gets done I'll be at 32 hours a week. When I started I was at 0 hours and just sitting around hoping to get some work. Things are looking up for the most part. Once I crest over the 30 hour mark I'll be eligible to finally earn hours toward licensure. And they're setting me up to do 2 hours of supervision a week. This means I'll potentially be able to complete licensure within about two years. That's a really good pace for someone in my field. My supervisor took 7 years by comparison, I think, because she didn't have the understanding or support I do in getting licensed. 

Anyways. I didn't talk to the girls much at all yesterday and I felt better. I feel better today. It's four months with them. Then, once they're gone, possibly only one more tenant takes their place who I'll get to have a say in who rents the place. God willing it'll be someone with nice energy. I'm almost through a 24 video series on YouTube by whytmanga on how to draw anatomy. I have a 42 video series by shinigamiarts qued up for my continued education in art. I think I've gotten better at drawing manga characters overall. I hope I get better at it over time and practice. When I started I just drew from an episode of Naruto I was watching each night. I didn't have any lessons. I just enjoyed drawing. I'd like to try to keep that feeling and just enjoy drawing whether it turns out good or not. Whether I feel like I'm improving or not. 

I think I'm going to stop listening to the game quitters podcast. It makes my mind start thinking about gaming again. I had dreams all night about gaming after listening to the podcast. Speaking of podcasts it's raining so I can't go walk and listen to my podcast. Unless I go to my moms warehouse and walk around there I suppose. I felt really good then really bad about my drawing lately. I know it sounds crazy but I felt like I 'absorbed bad energy from one housemate and that caused me to become negative about my art temporarily'. My recent drawing I was feeling too embarrassed to share. But, I drew it with no reference and It's an improvement on my last no ref drawing. I wonder if learning some portrait drawing would be a good way to go. Whytmanga keeps saying to 'learn from real life'. So maybe if I learned how to draw real life portraits then went back to manga portraits I'd become super good like @remember115 said to do. I guess I'll checkout those new tutorials before I get into that. 

I smiled at my picture.

I accomplished thawing turkey for pasta.

I am grateful for my art supplies, the rain, bamboo blinds, computer, mouse, mousepad, keyboard, functioning body, hair, lips, breath, air and mindfulness.

God bless

Erik

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Day 156 NP 119 Np 109 Med 95 NF 12

Positive post: I drew, got through an uncomfortable session and saw my mom.

This one client I feel uncomfortable with. I would like him and his family to chill more. But I don't know much how to do that. So the sessions are kind of uncomfortable. At least we got through one today though. I don't know how long my continued employment with this client will last at this rate. I'll keep showing up but I can do so much. My mom's making time to see me even though she works 84 hours a week. Which is very nice 🙂 . We went to Whole Foods today and got some groceries. I tend to like Trader Joe's more because it's cheaper and I don't know anyone there, haha. Safer. My mom says after the girls move out in August I can pay her $700 a month for rent and she'll keep those two rooms vacant so I can have the whole house to just us two again. I'm willing to do that. My other option is to move out to a one bedroom cottage (so I don't have to be around people). That's $1300. My mom would give me 700-900 for whatever my room rents for so I'd still be paying around 700 rent to make the difference. I'll go check the place out if I can. But, I'm strongly leaning towards just staying at home. I like being around my mom. She's very loving and supportive. When she's not working crazy hours we go for walks and occasionally watch a comedy show on Netflix. No chance I'm gonna get her into anime, but that's okay 😄 . 

I drew something from shinigami arts channel tutorial. He uses rulers and exact measurements on a lot of things. It's difficult to keep up with. Especially as there are no verbal instructions it's just a visual with music. But I still kind of figured out what to do and the picture came out pretty symmetrical. 

I think I could use the technique again to draw without a reference.

I smiled at the sunshine.

I accomplished one more session.

I am grateful for peanut butter, bananas, sugar free whole wheat bread, mechanical pencils, sakura, kindle, notebook, bookmarks, ohuhu, and dogs.

God bless

Erik

 

4B312D52-067F-4795-B431-AC984705E04B.jpeg

Edited by Erik2.0
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11 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

But, I'm strongly leaning towards just staying at home. I like being around my mom. She's very loving and supportive. When she's not working crazy hours we go for walks and occasionally watch a comedy show on Netflix. No chance I'm gonna get her into anime, but that's okay 😄 . 

It is good that you love your mom. But in nature, it is important that the parents eventually prepare the child for life. Some species are quite fast with that - like ducks. Other species spend more years with that process. But there will inevitably come a time, where you have to go away. There will also come a time, where you mother will not take care of you anymore, but you will take care of your mother. That is just life. One way to start this process, I think is to get your own place, where you feel safe. I never liked to live with roommates. It is wonderful. You can decorate everything the way you want. You can do what you want. It is your little paradise, where you are the king.

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3 hours ago, Alexanderle said:

It is good that you love your mom. But in nature, it is important that the parents eventually prepare the child for life. Some species are quite fast with that - like ducks. Other species spend more years with that process. But there will inevitably come a time, where you have to go away. There will also come a time, where you mother will not take care of you anymore, but you will take care of your mother. That is just life. One way to start this process, I think is to get your own place, where you feel safe. I never liked to live with roommates. It is wonderful. You can decorate everything the way you want. You can do what you want. It is your little paradise, where you are the king.

I agree. The idea is that we have to be independent to then take care of our parents later on. It's an irony, but our parents really should take care of us to make sure we won't need them in the future. It's a story from "No More Mr Nice Guy" as well that a man eventually has to "let go" a bit of his relationship with his mother to "make room" for a new woman who is going to enter his life. Otherwise something alike what happened in the movie Crumb will occur.

Anyhow, moving or not moving is totally up to you. My story is that I left to another city to study and started living on the dorms when I turned 19 (with a roommate). I moved back home after 18 months, lived with my parents for another 14 months (quit gaming at month 11), lived in Iceland for 2 months, came back to my parents for 3 months and now I have my own room on the dorms for 5 months.

The last 3 months I lived with my parents I felt very strongly that there was no space for me. I had nowhere to go and nothing to do in the area. I was getting mad at them for treating me like a child or an associate, depending on which one was more convenient for them. Even though my move caught them by surprise, I think today everyone benefits from the decision. I still see them weekly; we have family lunches, do favors for each other, they give me food or household goods etc.

On 4/30/2020 at 8:19 PM, Erik2.0 said:

@Ikar My parents bother me sometimes. But they're my best supporters. My mom provides for me financially and helps me keep working. My dad's nice and emotionally supportive to some degree. He supports my hobbies, mom supports my work. This is a big setback my mom is putting me through just to make some extra money. Even if we don't need the money she still insists on renting a room to someone just because she wants more money and doesn't care enough about my well being to not rent that room. It hurts to accept that my mom will only go so far to help me out with my special needs. But I can't do much about it other than to protest her moving more than one person in in August. If I move out I'd be dependent on her to help me pay rent. When I'm not living with her she becomes less supportive of me too. Out of sight out of mind. My meds to cause me to sleep long hours and be much less physically active. But it's worth it to not lose my mind and be unable to hold a job. Living with my mom prevents me from having more control over my life. I'm less independent in making my decisions in general.

I think a good idea could be that if you find a comfortable place to live in on your own, she can use the money she gets from renting room(s) to support you or some other similar plan. It might cost her more now, but there is a greater chance you will be able to support her in her later years.

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@Alexanderle Ah but I just want to stay home as long as I can....I guess I could checkout that other place with the cottage. My mom thinks it's best I stay at home too and we rent a room then use the money to pay for my student loans debt.

@Ikar It would actually cost my mom less if I move out because then she can rent more rooms. She'd essentially have +700 if I stay and +1400 if I go. I'm kind of socially messed up and don't like being around most people. It took me a while to come around to my mom, dad and one friend I talk to. Those are the only three people I feel comfortable around. 

I hear you guys saying it's a good idea to move out now while I have this opportunity. I'm just not so sure I want to. Especially when my mom is saying to stay at home would probably be better. 

Day 157 NP 120 Np 110 Med 96 NF 13

Positive post: I got boundaries set in the kitchen with housemates, went for a walk and did push day. 

Phew it was hard doing push day. I opted for chirrups instead of pull ups. I think that was a good idea. It's my plan now to do certain exercises twice a week to try to increase faster at them. Because I've lately been stuck neither increase or decreasing reps on most exercises. Maybe doing them more often will help me get over the hump. 

I'm trying to walk 6000 steps a day weather permitting and do seven yoga poses/sequences. I did my workout and walking, just got to do some yoga now. I think it's feasible. 

Today I felt like I had an epiphany with working out. I realized that possibly from the meds I'm kind of unable to do much. I feel lethargic with little will to do much exercise each day. So instead of trying to hit a bunch of exercises a day like I did before meds. I'm going to try to pick a handful of exercises and do them more often. That way I can at least get good at some things. Instead of stuck not improving at a lot like I am. Hopefully it works.

I finished inking and coloring my drawing from yesterday. I forgot to shade the nose, but I think it's fine. There's enough shaded in things. It smells kind of funny and my eyes get dry when I'm coloring for some reason. But I really like the result sometimes and enjoy looking at the finished picture. 

I smiled at my friend via zoom

I accomplished doing six chin ups

I am grateful for drawing, coloring, inking, pencils, mangawhyt, shinigami arts, my mom, dad, food, and cooking.

God bless

Erik

6510E957-8947-49FA-B930-266585445028.jpeg

Edited by Erik2.0
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1 hour ago, Erik2.0 said:

@Alexanderle Ah but I just want to stay home as long as I can....I guess I could checkout that other place with the cottage. My mom thinks it's best I stay at home too and we rent a room then use the money to pay for my student loans debt.

@Ikar It would actually cost my mom less if I move out because then she can rent more rooms. She'd essentially have +700 if I stay and +1400 if I go. I'm kind of socially messed up and don't like being around most people. It took me a while to come around to my mom, dad and one friend I talk to. Those are the only three people I feel comfortable around. 

I hear you guys saying it's a good idea to move out now while I have this opportunity. I'm just not so sure I want to. Especially when my mom is saying to stay at home would probably be better. 

Day 157 NP 120 Np 110 Med 96 NF 13

Positive post: I got boundaries set in the kitchen with housemates, went for a walk and did push day. 

Phew it was hard doing push day. I opted for chirrups instead of pull ups. I think that was a good idea. It's my plan now to do certain exercises twice a week to try to increase faster at them. Because I've lately been stuck neither increase or decreasing reps on most exercises. Maybe doing them more often will help me get over the hump. 

I'm trying to walk 6000 steps a day weather permitting and do seven yoga poses/sequences. I did my workout and walking, just got to do some yoga now. I think it's feasible. 

Today I felt like I had an epiphany with working out. I realized that possibly from the meds I'm kind of unable to do much. I feel lethargic with little will to do much exercise each day. So instead of trying to hit a bunch of exercises a day like I did before meds. I'm going to try to pick a handful of exercises and do them more often. That way I can at least get good at some things. Instead of stuck not improving at a lot like I am. Hopefully it works.

I finished inking and coloring my drawing from yesterday. I forgot to shade the nose, but I think it's fine. There's enough shaded in things. It smells kind of funny and my eyes get dry when I'm coloring for some reason. But I really like the result sometimes and enjoy looking at the finished picture. 

I smiled at my friend via zoom

I accomplished doing six chin ups

I am grateful for drawing, coloring, inking, pencils, mangawhyt, shinigami arts, my mom, dad, food, and cooking.

God bless

Erik

6510E957-8947-49FA-B930-266585445028.jpeg

Dude, this is great coloring! You can tell that your technique and stroke is getting better.The coloring has purpose instead of just filling in the lines with color. Keep it up.

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10 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

I'm kind of socially messed up and don't like being around most people. It took me a while to come around to my mom, dad and one friend I talk to. Those are the only three people I feel comfortable around. 

How can you know that? What about the rest of the people, who are not "most"? I mean I am also umfomfortable around certain people, but there are so many people out there, who are just like you and me: They want to be loved, have fun, passions and a good life. I am quite sure, there are many people, once you knew them a bit better, you would like as well. 🙂 

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@Erik2.0 Awesome coloring. The shading makes a lot of difference, and it is looking great. It is nice to see such improvements with every picture 🙂. Moving out can be difficult, I love it, I just feel much better in my own space but I know it can be stressful too. I am glad to hear that you set up some boundaries with the housemates. It might help if all of you are on the same page of what each of you is comfortable/ uncomfortable with and it might be easier to stay at home for you then. If that can work out it might be better than moving, especially if you are unsure about moving yourself 

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@BooksandTrees Thanks. I did some shading and wrinkles in this one. It looks better than my usual drawings. Also I'm using a new artist for reference and they draw some really good stuff. 

@Alexanderle Yeah there are probably some people out there that I can get along with comfortably. 

@Marek Thank you. The girls will only be here for four months max. So I'm more looking towards when they leave. I think I'm comfortable enough now to stick out those four months since I get an hour to myself in the kitchen now. Once they leave I'll be looking to find one of those people I'm comfortable with like Alexanderle was talking about to move in with us.

Day 158 NP 121 Np 111 Med 97 NF 14

Positive post: I finished my drawing, did art tutorials and supported my mom.

Todays my one day where I don't work out so I'm posting earlier as I have more free time. Since I increase medication I've been sleeping close to 13 hours a day. That's two hours increase. Yikes. I hope it comes back down to 11 or less. Sleeping this much concerns me as I need some time to go to work too and not be dead tired there. I finished they eyebrows on my drawing that I forgot to color in. I guess I'll post it again, but it's such a minor change it's kind of negligible. I did some drawing tutorials. I feel like I get marginally better at drawing from them. Then I sort of sit in this space where I feel like I want to improve, but don't really know what else to do other than tutorials. Haha. Oh well. I would work on portrait drawing, but the only thing I really like to draw is manga for some reason. 

My mom's struggling a lot with her job. So I offered some moral support. It sounds like things might get better there for her. Some things have to change and they need to get more help to get her job done.

I'm just going to write a bunch of stuff about my life now because I have extra time! My happiness book said that if you think you're young and healthy it will actually make you that way. I read a little bit of the Bible each day. It makes me become a better person. After reading the Bible the first time I feel like I became more of a good person and wanted to be good. It's cool to be inspired to change who you are just from reading a book. I'm starting to read the Mahabharata a little bit. (The Hindu Bible). I think it's pretty cool to read positive books from other religions too. They usually have good messages like love people and don't do substances. Pursue meaningful relationships over one night stands etc. Do no harm, practice non violence. Yeah my friend's a Hindu and I practice yoga and chakra affirmations so I guess I feel a little connected to this religion too. I figure I'll always be a Christian at heart. But I can still benefit from learning about other faiths. It's kind of a weird perspective to have, but I just think of it as like how 'religious studies' majors read the major religious doctrines. 

I'm waiting to talk to my dad. I struggle a little bit with him, but we get along good enough. I'm going to possibly vacation with him using my last week of vacation up. I want us to hang out outside his house because I don't like chilling with his wife. So I'll ask about getting an AirBnB nearby his home. It'll be like another 4-six months before I get another week off PTO. Still this is the first job I actually earned PTO at. 

I smiled at whytmanga tutorial.

I accomplished eating less breakfast.

I am grateful for eggs, avocado, toast, cheese, turkey bacon, spinach, milk, Metamucil, water and nature.

God bless

Erik

Sorry to repost this girl again 3x but I forgot to color in her eyebrows and wanted to post the final version because everyone’s so supportive and I’m grateful for y’all.

2AED40E8-B1FD-49DF-95C2-863E33BE29C4.jpeg

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Day 159 NP 122 Np 112 Med 98 NF 15

Positive post: I'm alive, I'm breathing and I like water. 

Today's kind of a down day for me. Yesterday I spent some time talking with my housemate. This made me unhappy for the next 24 hours pretty much. Nothing rude was really said although I tend not to like what or how she says what she says. I most of all just don't like her vibe. I wanted to say that my drawings are mostly copies. I try to copy other manga artists in the hopes of getting better and I've been getting better at copying. I'm seriously feeling kind of dead today though. My Dr. said my meds will stop fatiguing me soon so that's good news. Work hasn't been too hard thankfully. Telehealth is easier in a lot of ways than in person was. No one attacks me is probably the best part. 

I kind of wish I had a coloring book right about now. I'm kind of tired of drawing and it'd be nice to color someone else's drawing instead of my own for a change.

Well. It's a down day. I'm just going to try to last out the last hours of the day until it's time to sleep and hope tomorrow will be better. Which I believe it will as long as I continue to keep my distance from housemates. 

I smiled at my clients

I accomplished drawing things

I am grateful for my work, my life, love, happiness, hurting, life lessons, god, my mom, pens and kindle.

God bless

Erik

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  • stablish changed the title to TheNewMe2.0's Journal - A Better Life

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